God

What Will I Do Until The End

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Hi Everyone,

I am glad to be on my second day of writing.  I am hoping to make some sense and to grow into a human being that isn’t just sucking life’s air.  I have been in some type of recovery, for what feels like my whole life. I just want to do my best today and maybe have a plan with reasonable goals.

This journey as I have said before, is messy at best. I do some how keep getting up and pushing forward. I figure my life span is somewhere between 7 and 20 years left. I hope I will have left a legacy somehow, even without having children of my own.

I don’t want the end of my life to be just a few words and then finished. Otherwise then it would seem it was just a prison sentence, right?

A book is not quite enough either. I think it must be real changes and hard work.

The challenges before me are difficult. Its physical, emotional, and spiritual. It’s more than any song. It’s more than weeping bitter-sweet.

It’s about taking my thoughts captive and taming my tongue and flesh. Its trusting in God and allowing Him to take control when I am strong or weak.

The questions I now must answer are:

  1. What are my goals?
  2. What makes me happy?
  3. Where is God at in my life?
  4. Is God evident to others in how I am living?
  5. What is my responsibility today?
  6. Can I or have I truly let go of past hurts and wounds?
  7. What can I do in helping others mend?
  8. Have I stopped hurting and wounding others?

I must find these answers inside myself. We do have to ask ourselves the hard questions to be totally open and honest. Otherwise, there is no solid foundation.

Some days I feel like I am adrift much the way in the movie, Castaway with Tom Hanks and Wilson.  I don’t want my life to end just barely keeping my head above water.

I know there’s life out there. I want to show I have lived and left something good behind. I used to think I knew what that something is.

I am not so sure I know anymore. I am going to have to dig and see what I can come up with. I hope you continue to see me on my journey.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for my life and the ability change.
  2. I am thankful for everyone who is and has been a part of my life.
  3. I am thankful for the time to write.
  4. I am thankful for honesty from others and that I get to be honest with myself today.
  5. I am thankful for medical transporters, EMT’s, home health aides, doctors, nurses, custodians, truckers, teachers, fast food workers, store associates, policemen, firemen, correction officers, therapists, and all of whom are taking risks to be of service.
  6. I am thankful for solitude verses loneliness.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to contemplate what the rest of my life might look like.
  8. I am thankful for siblings.
  9. I am thankful for my mom and her husband.
  10. I am thankful for mercy and grace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

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My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year. 

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow. 

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today. 

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward. 

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity.  It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak. 

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom. 

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better. 

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people. 

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.  

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.  

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others. 

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing. 

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019. 

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”  

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding. 

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.  

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface. 

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise. 

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.  

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible. 

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward. 

Goodbye 2019! 

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year! 

Changes In My Pathway By Doing Footwork

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This is an entry started weeks and weeks ago. 

I seem to get behind for one reason or another. Here I am trying my best today to find that conscious contact with God.  

About a month ago my mom was reminding me of my faith and as it related back to my teenage years with Christian Music Artists. Today I know my spirituality is on the same level as I have with tolerance. 

A lot of times my tolerance is out the window and I need those small reminders of prayers or music, to get me back on a spiritual plane. It even starts with the simple gratitude list. 

I wake up crabby and really need my coffee and quiet time. Some days it seems impossible to get. That is until I realize I can start my day over anytime I choose to. It means getting my head straight and thinking with right motives. 

Being restored to sanity through prayer and meditation can be done. But how willing am I to do that today? Sometimes it feels easier to scream at things and say how unfair things are, but I pay a high price to continue on as such. 

I have friends who remind me I am only as happy as I allow myself to be.  

To catch up to today I have done the 4th, 5th, 6th, step and I am now working on the 7th step. 

I won’t say I am proud of myself because that’s just too vain in my book. However, I am pleased I have worked this far.  

I woke up at 10 pm tonight to my helper-worker person saying something in a text. Instead of flippantly replying angrily. I found myself calling her and saying, “Help me understand.” This is not my behavior at all according to my records of communication. 

I have to believe there is a sovereign grace at work with in me when I choose to do the foot work. 

When I do the footwork, the teacher shows up and change happens. Unfortunately, in some cases I kind of was already written off by some and as I work further, I will make amends as necessary. 

I never see the changes until they have already begun. Others see changes in us usually way ahead of us. 

I found out Saturday I will lie about stuff if given the chance. But I also tell on myself after I have fixed it. It does not make it okay to lie. It is noteworthy so that I check myself at the time it happens, so I can change that behavior. 

I will repeat as I have said in other posts, we cannot do this thing alone. It is a program of action which enables us to change our behaviors, actions and reactions. The way we respond to situations makes the difference. 

A side note worth saying is, to not respond is a response. It’s all about self-parenting today. 

I am a horrible self-parent I will neglect my needs, health, sleep, discipline, and beat up on myself.  

Thankfully for the closed mouth people in my life today and a God of Love I can change. I don’t have to continue the same patterns. 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out! 

God Bless y’all Everybody! 

Just When You Think It’s A Blah Day!

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I Some days are easier than others. There’s no rhyme or reason for what just is. Not every day is so super spiritual or feels so gratifying. It’s putting one foot in front of the other going through the motions. 

It does help to review a gratitude list and pray and ask for help. Especially if you have a few days of these type string together as I have had. Anger will pop up if we are not careful. 

I have found this to be true for me and not even know why. Sometimes, truthfully, I don’t care why or even want to trace my steps back to find out why. 

I am finding emotions popping up as I finish this this fourth step. Things are coming out in conversations I never intended to even explain to people.  

That really bothers me because I wanted to wait until I say everything at once with a closed mouth friend. I am finding out though, I am not even in charge of how things go.  

It so seems, when I asked God to help me, he took that request serious and I have no control of the outcomes.  

Everything is making me question whether we can really take credit for growth if God can even use our worse defects for his own plan. I’d have to say I can’t take any credit for any growth.  

I feel more annoyed with the lack of enthusiasm in this particular blog post entry. Oh well! I promised to be transparent with this journey. 

I stepped away for a few hours and now I am armed with more information about my day. I am grateful I woke up today and that I am sober. 

My heart hurts for others really having a bad time of it. I am learning I can pray and don’t have to stay sad. 

When friends go back out it can be hard maybe because of our own egos. I am not sure. 

But it’s like this: we didn’t get them sober and we can’t get them drunk. I have to believe God exists and Iam not Him. There’s something divine and mysterious both at work, when prayer happens. Let’s not forget Thy will not mine be done. 

I am not the judge of anyone. I can’t be. Life is hard and we have no idea what each other are going through. Let’s just handle each other with the loving care we have been show.  

Patience and tolerance are not my suit by nature but just for today may I show it just the same as I’ve been shown. 

  • Iam grateful for the loving God in my life today. 
  • Iam grateful because people have never given up on me (the real ones). 
  • I am grateful because Iam trusted to show love and tolerance even when I have failed miserably at it. 
  • I am grateful I can pause sometimes. 
  • I am grateful others are there when I need them most. 
  • Iam grateful grace has been there even when I had nothing but vulgar words to say and people don’t stop encouraging me. 
  • I am grateful some amends I make are more prompt than they used to be. 
  • I am grateful for the smiles and they aren’t fake ones today. 
  • I am grateful I can remind others they are important and matter to my sobriety today. 
  • I am grateful my day can change. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all  Everybody! 

Making a Sacred Space and Having Gratitude

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Hi Everyone, 

I wanted to share more about the upcoming posts. It’s still a daily struggle to try to keep up with my writing. That’s probably because it’s a daily struggle to keep a healthy perspective and my too high of expectations. 

I have a desire to keep moving forward and to be able to live up to my recovery findings. 

In the past and my plans for the present, is to continue in gratitude and making a sacred space that’s safe and healthy.  

I truly believe working the steps of the program and sharing with a closed mouthed friend, God, and admissions to myself, is what will cultivate the sacredness and gratitude. 

I think so much of making something sacred is being honest and worshipping in truth.  

You cannot change without making changes. It takes a lot of work and sincerity. 

In the meantime, I am working actively on the steps and trying to organize to have a regular schedule for writing and having the time for the sacred space I speak of.  

Sacred space for everyone is as different as their worship or what they worship. I am not here to shove down your throat. I can only share my experience strength and hope.  

I will also share my hopes and excitement.  

The personal growth through my blog posts first started some years back after a high school reunion. I shared about my dreams and goals. I have had a few friends help support me through my changes and some people I didn’t even know.  

If I tried to list the m all I would undoubtedly hurt someone unintentionally. So, it’s best not to list anyone, because my memory for names is not always good. 

I have also had new friends come in and help support and reinforce what others have continued to do over the years. I am truly grateful for you all. 

While my progress has been back and forth, as well as all over the place I finally feel some peace. I do feel like I am headed for steady focus and the best is yet to come. 

This does not mean doing anything perfectly, just doing the best of my ability each day and truly being accountable to myself, others, and God. 

It has taken every bit of strength today to just come this far in the twenty-four hours of today. 

  • I am grateful for the chance at new life today. 
  • I am grateful to celebrate friends today. 
  • I am grateful friends have not given up on me even in my most unlovable moments. 
  • I am grateful for my own Mom’s support along my whole journey even when I have been doing it wrong. 
  • I am grateful to share with others that there is a way out from the bitter morass of self-pity which I have walked in my whole life. 
  • I am grateful today for the chance to be free from the bondage of self. 
  • I am grateful for the fact we do not have to do this alone. 
  • I am grateful that whatever I choose matters today and I matter. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike Over and out! 

Thank you for reading. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

My Thoughts On Step 4 and The Columns

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Hi Everyone,  

I just have a lot going on keeping me busy and going through illness and a weakened body. It’s just facts. Believe me, I wish I could just write all the time than deal with some of the things I am having to deal with. 

What I am realizing is, it is having to deal with all the crap I don’t want to deal with. This is what makes the journey possible.  

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” 

My journey in this has been to start with column one where underneath I put each person principle situation or whatever I resent. I have been taught and learned that I only deal with this column alone.  

It is suggested the memories will flood back in. However, I just deal with one column at a time, in its entirety before going to the next column, of said resentment.  

When I start thinking about whole situation it’s time to stop, until I can again return to my column and finish only that column. 

Taking this direction has stopped me from living in yester-year while doing this process. It is important for me to only do the process and not make myself sick over it. 

I was asked the question of how I ground myself. Ultimately, I don’t. But sometimes, I am able to stop and say this is not happening right now.  

I currently am finishing up the second column in my fourth step, the causes. In my first column I have had to go by the rule if even Iam agitated, I had to list it. 

The bottom line in doing this, is that I am helping myself in this process. While somethings may appear as if it’s a right to resent. I still played a part somewhere. I get to own that and move forward is the goal. 

I am not doing this to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The point is to look at myself square in the eye and rise above it all.  

It does not do any good to be wallowing in all the crap that was and has happened. This is what makes us miserable and that’s no kind of life. 

Also, it’s important to realize just because we have gone through stuff isn’t about our guilt or innocence, it’s about seeing our side of the street. 

This is where, to thine own self be true really counts. 

I am sure I will have more to share on the fiiyrth step before I have moved on to the next step. 

  • I am grateful for the chance to be real today. 
  • I am grateful for friends and family. 
  • I am grateful for the direction in our program. 
  • I am grateful for simplicity. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to be perfect, to just do the best of my ability today. 
  • I am grateful I can listen today. 
  • I am grateful for peaceful times. 
  • I am grateful for noticing life outside my four walls. 
  • I am grateful I do make a difference and it’s not to please anyone. 

This is a heads-up for my readers: I usually take November and December for gratitude months as well as time to reflect over my one word for the year I had chosen for 2019.  

Sometime, in December I will choose a new one word for the year 2020! I will share more along these lines in upcoming posts. 

Thank you all for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Step Three Relieve Me of The Bondage of Self

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Hi Everybody! 

This is the second part to step three. My will power is useless because I want to try and control situations and people with it. Therefore, it is improperly used and foolishly burned up. 

My dependence has to be up on God. I have not always been able to do this perfectly and I still don’t. It is a lot of zig zags, ups, and downs.  

I don’t have it all together. Maybe I need to realize I have tried to say that I have had it all together; and Iam telling you now that is in error.  

I just have some days that are better than others. I am hoping to be more steady and grow more along this journey.  

To figure out Gods intention for me seems a deep mystery. I do know there is a plan and a solution even when I don’t think so. 

Taken from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Book of AA on pages 40 and 41 :  

“In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy Will, not mine, be done.” 

I have often said it without the thought of thy will not mine be done. This at first may have been because it was it was shorter. Now I know a lot of times instead I was forcing my own will and not allowing God to be God. 

Today I know I really do want to rightly relate myself to God. I did at first in recovery is the group as God. That worked for a while but then I let go to dependence on one or two people and I became unhealthy. 

When those failed, I realized I had a deeper need and sometimes today it is still hard but I am trying to let God be God to the best of my ability. 

If you are anything like me you get in your own way a lot.  

Heck, sometimes I have even blocked help that was readily available but my heart and attitude was not always right, to receive that help. 

The biggest reveal to me in this journey is that I have often put myself in sticky situations. It has been hard to accept responsibility for the mess I have created; at times I still want to blame others or situations. 

I really want to mean this today each time I read or say this other simple prayer known as Third Step Prayer:  

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.” 

  • I am grateful that I have prayers to rely upon 
  • I am grateful for strength, when I feel weak. 
  • I am grateful for rides to the gatherings around the tables. 
  • I am grateful to be included today. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay bitter. 
  • I am grateful for prayers of others. 
  • I am grateful I have people who love and care about me. 
  • I am grateful life doesn’t have to be as hard as I make it out to be sometimes. 
  • I am grateful someone can point the way for me to get out of my own way. 
  • I am grateful for the stillness I can ask for when I remember to and the peace that affords. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Step Two Sanity Can Be Restored

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hi Everybody! 

Part Two of Step Two, is being restored to sanity. It takes starting the root of Step Two to work through all of the rest of the steps in order to rightly relate ourselves to God.

It means clearing out all the junk so the Grace of God can fully enter us.  

I had many times both drunk and dry where the living room furniture was flapped over or someone was seriously hurt due to the anger and rage, I was showing. 

It’s been an insane way to live. What’s even crazier is while one may stay dry this is what is happening in the mind as a person white knuckle it. You’re miserable and the damage is still being done until true recovery begins. 

Recovery can’t begin or at least it couldn’t until I decided who or what I was coming to believe in and being restored couldn’t happen until I rightly relate myself to God. 

As I am picking up these steps and setting right the foundation, this is where I can learn to rightly relate myself to God. I can’t do it alone; however, it does take my own decision alone.  

With the decision in place, I can begin action with direction.  

Sometimes I think it’s easier to call ourselves crazy, but hard to accept we are in fact mentally ill. We have deemed crazy as fun and more of a daredevil inside us as harmless. 

Let’s not be mistaken, our illness has taken us beyond harmless and in put us in some precarious and harmful positions. It’s not just us this has affected. 

Unfortunately, our actions and decisions affected everyone around us. 

Today I know I must change. In order to change means being willing to believe in a power greater than myself (God) can and will restore me to sanity. 

For me personally, I have been signed into many hospitals, a few times willingly and few times not so willingly I have tried many of the medications out there. 

Perhaps now is the time, taking the steps and taking direction means I have a fighting chance to stay sober and grow.  

It’s all about getting honest and cleaning up the junk so that we may find the freedom we crave. This hardly even the beginning its just scratching the surface and part of an outline.  

This decision finally starts with a prayer as we begin Step Three. This will be in the next couple of entries I write. I may write more on something else before I write on Step Three. 

I don’t want to promise the very next entry yet. I usually become a liar by making a promise. But Maybe I will I have no idea. Each time I write it really feels like I am directed outside my wants. 

  • I am grateful for Step Two  
  • Iam grateful for a loving God as He may express Himself in and through my life if and when I allow Him to. 
  • I am grateful for the chance to get better each day. 
  • I am grateful for sharing with others and getting to listen to others. 
  • I am grateful for people who tell me the truth today. 
  • I am grateful to get to be of service especially when I have no clue. It keeps my head at the right size. 
  • I am grateful I can ask others for help. 
  • I am grateful I am not a doormat today. I can be assertive. 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike Thanks for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Came To Believe A Power Greater Than

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Hi Everybody! It’s great to be back to share about Step 2 of the 12 Steps. 

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  

A lot of us joke that we should have had sanity first before we could be restored to us. Others of us it hits very close to home. I like to think that it’s a God or a power greater than, that is restoring my whole self and that it would include sanity even if I didn’t have sanity before. 

When I first came to the rooms, I was willing I thought to do anything it meant to stay sober. Sure, I repeated prayers and gave all the answers I thought they wanted to hear.  

I was not really ready for God. I didn’t want to hear about God or the belief thing. The fruit of my soul even proved that. I kept on not being able to stay sober because of it. I didn’t even realize that until now as Iam writing this but that’s the truth. I couldn’t believe that you believed because it was not enough.  

Though I would mouth the words I believed. I was definitely a belligerent one on the inside. As a child I believed God for anything and believed Him on His word.  

This is an important part of the journey. This is where we are making a formation of our journey ahead. It’s important to know what we believe in and what we are coming to believe to restore us to sanity.  

As an adult I was not so ready to believe. I had to stop the lies and lying. Steps One through twelve are all about surrendering to a program of action. This comes by believing in a power greater than myself, I do call God today.  

I first started by mouthing the words and just trying to follow along with the rest of the requirements. It was not enough. I had to come to believe. I was still reeking of alcohol and alcoholism. You see it was a thinking problem too. This is why I needed sanity. I need sanity still today. 

This means stopping the fear too. I still have alcoholic thinking even after 15 years of not drinking. So, when I first got here it was about not being willing to believe. Lip service just leads to another drunk. 

Today it is about doing it piece-meal with my belief. It allows me to grow in a relationship with God. I didn’t have to swallow all of the God concept at once.  

I have more to write on this as well as more reading to do. I will add a part two to the second step. 

This is a good resting place for now. 

  • I am grateful for God the power greater than myself. 
  • I am grateful for the second step and that I can be restored to sanity. 
  • I am grateful I can pause today and think about everything that it took for me to believe and have faith. 
  • I am grateful for prayer and meditation. 
  • I am grateful for friends. 
  • I am grateful to my readers. 
  • I am grateful that I can take the time to trace my anger back to what fear it is Iam having today. 
  • I am grateful for lunch with a friend. 
  • I am grateful for that cup of coffee first thing in ther morning. 
  • I am grateful for laughter. 

Thanks for reading! This is Boxcar Mike with another day of gratitude and sharing on the steps of recovery. Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

I am Responsible When Anyone, Anywhere, Reaches Out!

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Hi Everybody, Welcome back! 

Now I last started on step one and what that meant.  

Today in light of a few things you learn really quick how important thew message is to everyone suffering in and out of recovery  

No one knows what each other goes through, though we may have a general idea our walk is as different as are people.

There’s a saying in something similar that whenever anyone, anywhere, reaches out for another hand, I always want that available as well for me and for that Iam responsible 

We all need the message of hope and it is my responsibility to carry that to others. Today I know I I need to hear others to get out of my own head. That is part of doing the deal. However, it’s just part of the deal. 

As I mentioned the steps before you see we have to do the steps and practice them in our lives so that we might live out our recovery.

Then we truly have the whole message; if we have cleaned our side of the street and saw to it, that our own house is in order. 

Nothing is as effective as working with another person, to keep away from the first drink. It also means we can let go of our selfish thoughts and humble ourselves to listen to another person. It gets us out of our own heads. 

The time we take to listen may mean the difference between life and death. There’s nothing wrong with inconveniencing ourselves and putting on several pot of coffee, to listen to someone else until the wee hours of the morning. 

Countless others have done it for me. There is no reason why I cannot do it for others. 

It is like we are on The Titanic, if we don’t take the time to help our brothers and sisters along this journey. We will all drown if we don’t take the hand of one reaching out for help.

For if we stop accepting another’s hand, what’s to stop another from stopping. Soon we will have no one listening to anyone and then recovery stops. 

We all at some point or other need to be heard and we all need to be listening to another. It’s one of the gifts and miracles of the program. We cannot afford to rest. 

It’s part of our daily insurance and helps us with our daily reprieve. That is only contingent on our spiritual condition. 

I know what it is to be left alone and I know what it is to leave someone alone. I never want either to be repeated in my life time. Therefore, I am responsible today when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help. 

Please come back tomorrow as I explain what I have learned in Step 2 of the 12 Steps. In conclusion is my Daily Gratitude List: 

  • I am grateful that others listen to me.  
  • I am grateful I can listen to others and get out of my own head. 
  • I am grateful that just for today I have another reprieve and that Iam not alone. 
  • I am grateful for the ability to learn along this journey and that I don’t have to have all of the answers. 
  • I am grateful that in letting go I can find joy today. 
  • I am grateful that I can take responsibility just for today. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to fake it until I make it today.  
  • I am grateful I made the choice to continue changing my story and I don’t have to be ashamed of that. 
  • I am grateful for the unconditional love of God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him today. 

This has been another blog post entry of BoxCar Mike! Thanks for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody