There’s More Than Enough To Go Around

Today I am writing from my heart from the weekend to present in reflection of my choices. 

There always begins a new theme as I reflect on my choices in this journey. I feel so deeply and find that I really want my passion for life to stay alive. I look at my friends and family. 

There’s so much to be grateful for and so much of life seems to be the push and pull at the same time.  

My one friend his words to me at the most horrifying and scariest moment of my life said… “It won’t always be this way.” I have had people say it since and you know what those words are to me now? Those are words of love and affirmation. 

The words are validation that I matter and everything eventually changes. 

When you’re on this journey there’s plenty of laughter, tears, and love. It’s letting go of the hatred. Holding on to love. 

Love comes in many different packages and it’s not always wrapped the way we think it should be. In accepting those gifts however, they may come gives us freedom and the person who gives, they get freedom as well. 

We get to reflect on memories and making new ones. We get a chance to roll with change no matter how scary and painful it may feel at times. 

Maybe for the first time I am recognizing I live alone; but I am never alone.  

Sometimes I am embarrassed for the way my life is and how it turned out. I get in self-pity. I am afraid to admit that sometimes because things just feel unfair. It really is a process. 

I told someone the other day, I realize I have rights but sometimes now I don’t always want to trump with my rights if it means giving up peace.  

Growing up, I always thought to that love was just peace, physical touch, hugs, and just reminding others with words. 

Today I know love is, a friend not letting you leave the house like a total slob. Love is sometimes being pushed out when it is so scary and you are begging them to please not make you go. 

Sometimes people have to move away and you are sad and you don’t want to watch them leave; but you stand there waving because they are the best gift that ever came into your life.  

You hit a midlife crisis thinking you can be a teenager and age finally sets in, and you realize you don’t want all the chaos. 

The afternoons or evening curled up with a book and a cup of coffee are the best times now. 

We let go of the negative things. We let go of the bad. It’s just a process and doesn’t happen overnight.  

We hold on to all the good and we pass it on. We walk each other home because finally we understand, there’s more than enough to go around.  

We try to not hurt ourselves or each other. We are not saints! We get a chance at freedom. Just for today. 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all everybody! 

Its Time To Heal To Make Progress

Hello My friends! I have had a lot to deal with emotionally and physically. Part of this journey has been the stumbling in and out of things and still keeping clean and sober. 

I deal with tremors in my hands at times. The most has been dealing with my feet and legs and resting and fighting the cold weather that zooms in and out of my state. 

Thankfully what we are finding is my tremors actually count as part of my pulse. Which means it’s been giving false reading, of like 113 beats per minute. 

I do let agitation run my blood pressure too at times. Thankfully with the steps it has lessened some. 

I am finally back at that point where I love me best when I am not trying to perform. I am doing some soul searching again.  

It’s all about giving up the parts of you that keep you sick and realizing some of those parts when they are given up to God, He has a plan for them.  

In my past and present both, I have hurt out of my hurt. I am asking for help each day that my behavior in that way, would be stopped. You see it’s up to me to stop the cycle of that hurt. That hurt keeps me sick and it spreads sickness like a wild fire. 

Forgiveness of others and myself is still the key to happiness.  

In my soul searching and letting go of things are some questions I have even had to ask myself tonight, in pondering it all. 

  1. Do I realize the gifts I was even given before to get me out of a place where I was sure to die alone and empty? 
  1. Do I realize that even when things were bad, all anybody wanted was the best for me, even in my hatefulness? 
  1. Do I realize how much God and man power it took to get me out of a really, really, bad place? 

I took a lot for granted. That’s the truth. Today I count my blessings now with this mini inventory of sorts.  

There seem to be no shortcuts in doing this deal. It’s all messy. The only way to heal is to walk through the mess and pick it up and throw it away.  The only way to do that is to own up to it and ask for forgiveness. You make your amends and go forward. 

If you can do this much maybe, just maybe, your whole tribe won’t be afflicted by yours and my own sickness. 

Part of the hell, in my thought is dying and not doing anything to change for the positive before you die. We must change and we must heal otherwise life is meaningless. 

My world has been turned upside down in my reflections. I have to be willing to do my part. 

We ask God to heal our land, to heal our loved ones, and anyone we may meet along the way. Isn’t it time for us to heal today? It’s time for me to heal and I am not sure what it looks like, except that I trust the process. 

Happy New Year and Happy February! I am thankful to have made it through January. Together we can! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out! 

GodBless Y’all Everybody!  

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

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My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year. 

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow. 

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today. 

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward. 

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity.  It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak. 

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom. 

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better. 

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people. 

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.  

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.  

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others. 

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing. 

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019. 

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”  

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding. 

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.  

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface. 

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise. 

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.  

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible. 

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward. 

Goodbye 2019! 

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year! 

Learning To Walk Graceful and Give Grace

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There is so much to share tonight. I dedicate this to our families and loved ones, who have not given up on us. May we continue our walk forward. 

Some of our biggest teachers come from the mommas and the grandmas who pray without ceasing on our behalf. It doesn’t matter what you believe; it’s not about that. 

I had no intention of writing tonight. However, I went to a meeting and upon returning there was a package at my apartment door waiting for me. 

I couldn’t wait to unwrap it as the address and name it contained was from my mom and her husband. Both people I love dearly! 

Inside were shirts which I needed and a size that works and my favorite colors. I couldn’t wait to get a comfy shirt on, it had long sleeves. The kind you can roll half way up and it had a pocket! 

What a beautiful gift! Thank you and for your prayers, Mom and B,!  

Thank you also Grandma for always praying. 

Some people have walked this journey with me the past several months of really getting honest with a program of action.  I have a lot of anger in the past and it’s still with me in some ways. 

But this gift reminded me of grace and love. I am currently working on finally letting go of the anger to free me up. As long as I hold on to anger, I will never be able to walk in the grace I have been given. I will never be able to extend that grace until I let go of the anger. 

I have been holding on to all these bags of rocks in case they were needed. Don’t you know I want to throw these rocks at people who I get vibes off that remind me of certain people from my past. 

But those bags of rocks have been holding me down. They weigh me down. They cause pain for me. Not the other person. The traps I set for others have trapped me. They have enclosed the walls on me. I am suffocating myself. 

We are so busy often looking for an answer to prayer, our prayers, our momma’s prayers, our grandmother’s prayers, our friend’s prayers, when we ultimately, are the answer to prayer. 

All we have to do, is let go and everyone’s prayer is answered. We get to be free. That’s what I want today on my journey. It is time to let go and be free. 

It’s in the program of action.  

  1. Admit my life is unmanageable. 
  1. I get to ask to be restored to sanity 
  1. Turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. 
  1. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory. All my secrets are written down. Lots of anger and resentments. 
  1. Admitted to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. (Everything I have held on to). 
  1. We’re entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. (Dropping our bags of rocks). 

There’s more to share but this is where I am. I know in a previous post I said I was at step 7, but this is where I am. 

I get to accept what has happened and I get to pray for those in my 5th step that I hold ill will against. This is how I become the answer to my own prayer and everyone else who has been praying for me. 

It’s going to take walking in the grace to get through this step. If I do this then I have a shot at sanity today. I am not affected by some emotional mental disorder if I just let go. 

If I can be free, it’s worth it. 

Thanks for Reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out. 

God Bless y’all everybody! 

Changes In My Pathway By Doing Footwork

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This is an entry started weeks and weeks ago. 

I seem to get behind for one reason or another. Here I am trying my best today to find that conscious contact with God.  

About a month ago my mom was reminding me of my faith and as it related back to my teenage years with Christian Music Artists. Today I know my spirituality is on the same level as I have with tolerance. 

A lot of times my tolerance is out the window and I need those small reminders of prayers or music, to get me back on a spiritual plane. It even starts with the simple gratitude list. 

I wake up crabby and really need my coffee and quiet time. Some days it seems impossible to get. That is until I realize I can start my day over anytime I choose to. It means getting my head straight and thinking with right motives. 

Being restored to sanity through prayer and meditation can be done. But how willing am I to do that today? Sometimes it feels easier to scream at things and say how unfair things are, but I pay a high price to continue on as such. 

I have friends who remind me I am only as happy as I allow myself to be.  

To catch up to today I have done the 4th, 5th, 6th, step and I am now working on the 7th step. 

I won’t say I am proud of myself because that’s just too vain in my book. However, I am pleased I have worked this far.  

I woke up at 10 pm tonight to my helper-worker person saying something in a text. Instead of flippantly replying angrily. I found myself calling her and saying, “Help me understand.” This is not my behavior at all according to my records of communication. 

I have to believe there is a sovereign grace at work with in me when I choose to do the foot work. 

When I do the footwork, the teacher shows up and change happens. Unfortunately, in some cases I kind of was already written off by some and as I work further, I will make amends as necessary. 

I never see the changes until they have already begun. Others see changes in us usually way ahead of us. 

I found out Saturday I will lie about stuff if given the chance. But I also tell on myself after I have fixed it. It does not make it okay to lie. It is noteworthy so that I check myself at the time it happens, so I can change that behavior. 

I will repeat as I have said in other posts, we cannot do this thing alone. It is a program of action which enables us to change our behaviors, actions and reactions. The way we respond to situations makes the difference. 

A side note worth saying is, to not respond is a response. It’s all about self-parenting today. 

I am a horrible self-parent I will neglect my needs, health, sleep, discipline, and beat up on myself.  

Thankfully for the closed mouth people in my life today and a God of Love I can change. I don’t have to continue the same patterns. 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out! 

God Bless y’all Everybody! 

Resentments, Bondage, Prayer, Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom!

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Hi Everyone – The following passage is from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 552: 

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.  

Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  

Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.’ 
 
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes.  

And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.” 

I have been reading this and using this as a prayer all week. I am going to keep doing it until it takes for a particular person. I have no reason to doubt it works. I may have to keep doing it for a while. I am willing. 

Everything takes as long as it takes. No one else can do your foot work for you. Even in sponsorship, the sponsor is only there as a guide and to help facilitate your choices. 

I happen to believe that God shows up for the honesty and because of His mercy. Certainly not my mercy. My mercy, is so I can be free and that’s the truth. 

Forgiveness is hard. I must remember this when I am asking it of others, for my wrongs.  

With the practice of forgiving and asking for others to be blessed, I have to believe it gets easier as I go along. It always comes back to honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This is how it works. 

I am hoping to catch up on my posting this weekend, as I have been under the weather all week. That was two weeks ago. 

Now I am trying to get back on track. I now feel better physically and there’s no way to catch up. Now it’s just moving forward. 

  • I am grateful for mercy and forgiveness. 
  • I am grateful for the journey and one more tool to use. 
  • I am grateful God shows up when 2 or more are gathered. 
  • I am grateful I have a choice to change my actions and the end of a chapter. 
  • I am grateful for guidance and maturity ahead of me but also realizing everyone is fallible but probably better seasoned than myself. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to have it all together.  
  • I am grateful no one has it all together. 
  • I am grateful I do the right things even when I don’t want to. 
  • I am grateful for the hand up. 
  • I am grateful it’s also up to me to pass on what I have been given. 

The bonus for today is even if it feels like a train wreck, it’s not the end of the world. The sun will rise again, regardless. 

Thanks for reading! This post took about three weeks to finish. 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

True Ambition and Pressing Through When Tempted

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Photo By BoxcarMike

True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and humbly under the grace of God.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions AA Pages 124-125) 

Hi Everyone, 

This afternoon I finally finished the third column of my fourth step inventory. I was so grateful to get the push I needed. 

I was reminded as I was doing my step work of the wonderful bonfire with friends last night and how awesome it was that we are mix of people under normal circumstances probably wouldn’t have mixed.  

So, we have a singleness of purpose somehow guided by the God of our understanding. Tonight, as I did my work and even writing now, I have a candle lit. Believe me it is nothing compared to the awesome bonfire. 

I really want to let go of everything and be free of the prison in my mind. All of us that gather together its representation of exactly those who are in the process at least, of being freed from what our minds have created within ourselves. 

I found out today in my journey, to let myself stay untreated in the steps means I could go way off the beam. I can’t afford to pay that price today. I am not willing to go to prison because of an unwillingness to work the steps. 

I am ready to press through. Today for these 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary. The three legacies which are unity, service, and recovery: These are what remind me about to thine own self be true. 

Gathering together and giving it away, to keep it. I need people and they need me. I can’t stay a hermit and be okay. I have to be willing to go outside my comfort zone and be real. Tell people where I am so I can find out if Iam headed for trouble. 

I cannot afford to be alone in my own head anymore. It just doesn’t work. It’s suicide if I do.  

I didn’t know crazy can fake itself and look calm like today. It’s enough to scare you into doing whatever you have to do, to keep crazy away. 

Prayers alone are not enough it takes work and action. You must open your mouth no one is a mind reader. 

There is one who has all power. That one is God may you find him now. We read this at every meeting and it’s so true. Alone, I have no power but together we can. 

Half measures availed us nothing, let’s press on! 

  • I am grateful for sponsorship. 
  • I am grateful for the bonfires, candles, gathering and a loving God as he may express himself. 
  • I am grateful for the singleness of purpose. 
  • I am grateful for the life saver. 
  • I am grateful for choices today. 
  • I am grateful for get out of jail free card, that’s in the steps if we work them. 
  • I am grateful we can work at demolishing the prison we built. 
  • I am grateful to be loved regardless where I am. 
  • I am grateful for homecoming.  
  • I am grateful for the strength to get through today when I was very tempted to nap. 

Thank you reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!