The title of this blog entry will be understood before the end.
I have done much grieving in the past year over friends and family dying. Covid has not taken them all two had cancer, one had heart complications, another is getting ready to leave this world with a clot in her lung.
I have done some grieving in the past two months over my own inabilities. A loss of freedom in ways I have had to think about how to get up and sit down especially when no one is around. How to make my way to the bathroom and kitchen is a big deal.
I deal with a lot of death dreams and they frighten me. Death makes me surrender to the fact I am mortal, and death will happen one day.
However, I can attest to finally having one death dream where I visited with my dad. He and I were picking and joking with one another. My Uncle was there, and he asked me about what he needed to do to take care of his legs as he sat on a couch. My dad and I on a staircase still joking around.
Oh, how I hugged my dad and did not want to let go. It has been almost16 years since he passed away. I miss him every day. But I had a peace after this dream that made me smile and I was happy for the good time in my dream with my dad.
I also realized my uncles’ question was for me; what was I going to do to care for my legs?
It is time to heal. I am a broken mess inside with more grief to spare.
What was I going to do? This means that it is not my time to go anytime soon. I needed to prepare for living.
Sunday morning, I was filled with physical pain and grief. Less than 24 hours ago I had learned great friend I once had, passed away. My heart hurt for him and many of us who loved him. Without my friend I would not have met so many friends along the way. I would never have jumped on an airplane. You do not get to just pull over to the side of the road in an airplane!
I attempted to make a good breakfast in pain and grief, and it did not pan out well literally! I ate it anyway and went back to bed.
I started worrying about if transportation was going to send me a car or van for my eye doctors appointment coming up this week. I eventually drifted off to sleep.
The Beginning of The Story!
I awoke at 5:30 pm completely famished. I heated up some more of the failed breakfast and realized I did not think about it. I just walked to the kitchen leaving my cane in the bedroom.
I am still in some pain and do not know if this will continue with me being able to walk from room to room with out having to plan my every move.
As I headed back to my bedroom with my portion of breakfast from this morning, I sat down on the bed and said, thank you God.
I had burst into tears while trying to take that first bite and admitted to God I was a mess. I thanked him over and over. Chuck Girard was singing on Alexa and something about no longer a sinner but one who when falls runs to God.
I need to back up here because oh in the wee hours I was watching The Resurrection of Gavin Stone on Netflix, it is a pg. movie. I was boohooing at the turn around in this actor playing an actor whose life was totally turned around.
Now back to Chuck Girard of course I finally see a text from my momma asking how I was. I decided to call her in the last 10 min window of time she might be able to answer. Instead, I am needing to leave a voicemail with my halfway crying and how good God was I had got up walked without thinking about it. I am doing good some pain but nothing like past several weeks or two months.
Oh, how I love my mama so much. I guess I told her I had her permission to write a part of her own story in mine, rather than asking for permission. Old habits die hard.
She said it will be interesting to read y’all. As Alexa played on the song came from my youth, my mama would sing lots of times. My mama would try to deal with strife among eight children by singing at times! She was not going to hear complaining or pay attention to “why do I have to wash the dishes this time, I did it last time.”
So, she would often be heard singing: “Sometimes Alleluia, Sometimes Praise the Lord, sometimes gently singing our hearts in one accord.” You did not want to force my Mama out of her singing otherwise she would start singing I am not listening, and that was the final warning.
Oh, and she and my dad would play Chuck Girard tapes in our van. However, tick my dad off and you might hear him yelling for a bit but here is how that played out a great deal of the time.
Again, my mama would start singing when you could hear a pin drop in that van. Often it led to my dad joining in with her and before you knew it the whole van was singing or humming.
It was the hard times in that van God used to touch one or all of us no matter what we were going through. I spent many silent tears in the back of that van praying neither of my parents would yell out a question to me.
I never wanted them to worry about me falling apart or having to explain what was really going on inside my head. It was only recently I heard my mama admit to me she worries. I am so blind.
She probably worried every time I went out the door, I just thought she never noticed. That is also my reasoning in trying to get away with a lot of things.
I loved coming home from school on the days she sang and baked. The candle would be lit in the entryway Everything was mopped and she had cookies or bread in the oven. There was peace in our house in the midst, as she had struggled some days to get three little ones down for a nap.
You see its in this time I can see how my relationship to God is as with my family and parents. I cry happy tears over this fact that they gave grace a lot. There are more happy times to remember.
I know my mama, friends, my tribe, and they are all really family, do not know what to do with me a lot of the time.
I am finally ready to take the new change in my journey. By the way as far as me walking better I do not know if it will last or if its going to keep getting better.
I am so loved, and I love you all so much. Today I want to hang on to the good stuff. I miss my friends and family that have passed away. I miss the good times. I miss those I have not been able to see or talk to in a while.
As of this moment my new word for the year is “Grace.” I am going to learn it, accept it, and give it!
Thanks for reading!
This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!
God Bless Y’all Everybody!