I Cant Get it Through Osmosis

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Good Morning Everyone,

Welcome to another thought on my journey. I wanted to get back to the book I am now reading “A Program for You.”  In my last post about this book we learned that the first 100 People of AA wrote The Big Book.

The main starting of the Fellowship began out from the Oxford Groups with Ebbie T. Bill W and Dr Bob were the co-founders of AA and much help from Dr William D Silkworth. Bill D. was AA number three. It would take two years to write the book and have it published in 1939.

Chapter three of “A Program for You”, is learning to use The Big Book correctly. I am so grateful for this chapter. It really brought a lot to light. Here’s the real deal of this book. The authors state that if you never read any part of The Big Book to put down this book and begin immediately.

That tells me a lot about the authors having integrity and their belief in using The Big Book. They are out to help jump start people into reading it and following the program of action.

They explain through out this chapter to which I can attest to over at least hanging out in AA how over the years the true message has been watered down. The fellowship of AA came out of the Program of AA not the other way around, as said exactly in this book. I know That I have just wanted to take what I want and leave the rest.

I realize this may sound like I am preaching AA. For me this is the message I needed to hear. You all are only getting to hear what I need. After reading this chapter, I now even realize how important it is for me to read the first 164 pages of The Big Book.

While we cannot do this thing alone it has been told proven to me time and again, no one can do the work for you. You cannot get this through osmosis. This is what I know for me. After all I am just writing this for me and if it helps someone else, then great.

They say the proof is in the pudding. Well I want to take these steps now, and really have a program working in me.

I can write and read all I want. Without change it is fruitless. This I know. I am not willing to let myself water down the experience or the actions in taking these steps. The thing is, I really want more spiritual experiences and to be able to trust and let go.

I also hope to share my journey with anyone else who has this in common. I am so blessed by any who have and are apart of my life. It’s time for me to read and take some direction so that change is a reality and not just a dream.

Day 6 3 things I am grateful for 21 days of rewiring my brain to be happy:

  1. Grateful to the Program of AA
  2. Grateful to God for waking me up for another day
  3. Grateful for the chance to change

Thanks for reading! This has been another blog post entry of BoxcarMike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

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Are You Letting It Eat Your Lunch?

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Photograph By: Nicate Lee @ unsplash.com

Hi Everyone,

It’s great to be back writing and I admit I owe two or three days to my blog here. Life gets so busy and I get tired easily. With my thinking, I seem to get on the merry-go-around, and never seem to quite make the ride come to a full stop. All it really takes is deciding and taking the action to lay down the stuff that seems to keep rolling around in our heads.

So much time gets stolen from staying one the merry-go-around. Did I mention precious time?

I don’t know about you, but I seem to waste too much time on stuff that doesn’t matter and won’t matter a hundred years from now. I am on this journey to change my life and the pattern in my thinking.

I am leading this post right back to the book and the Twelve Steps. I mentioned in my last post. I really believe this is all part of that admission and it’s up to me to get off of the merry-go-around. It’s all in step one of admitting I have a problem. This same problem is what kept me active in my disease for many years. The bottom line is that, it is insanity.

I won’t be perfect here on this earth. I know I can’t do one single thing perfect. But all that is asked of me is again, the honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. I can have progress today, if I choose it. To do otherwise and have everything eat my lunch, is a soul sickness. I’d much rather spread hope than the sickness of my soul.

Until the work is done on the inside, I cannot transmit something I don’t have to others. But taking this journey together is different. I can share my hope along the way.

I will always say, we cannot do this thing alone. It takes surrounding ourselves with people who have been there, just like we are, or like I am. I believe there’s more than enough evidence here for my admission of insanity. Goodness, enough people have seen me in action with insanity. Let me just say that is not flattering myself either or anything to boast about.

I do believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in God as I understand God, and also as I don’t understand God. That’s my thing of course and I am not here to debate about if there a God or not a God.

I believe that I can be restored to sanity. I believe that I want sanity today. I do believe there are more spiritual experiences ahead. I do believe most will be still of the educational variety. The reason I believe that, is because I believe it is always a temptation to be too high and mighty.

If you prefer the word ego would be a great fit here. I n my earliest days of getting clean and sober ego was defines as edging God out. I have done that plenty in my walk.

Today I want my recovery to be more progressive than my disease. I can’t, He can, I think I’ll let Him.

Daily 3 things grateful for in 21 days to rewire our brain Day5:

  1. I am grateful for my closed mouth friends
  2. I am grateful for texting with my mom
  3. I am grateful for rides to the meetings I go to and before and after meetings

Thank you for reading! This has been another blogpost entry from BoxcarMike! God Bless Everybody!

Checking Your Foundation and Getting Real

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Hello Again, Everyone!

As I have stated in another post; I believe I did anyway. I am going through the 12 steps again and in preparation I am actually trying to do what is necessary.

It’s no secret I am an alcoholic and addict. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.

I think it’s important to take every suggestion that one has the ability to do. If you can’t I truly believe surrounding yourself with good, quality sobriety is the best way to make it possible. We cannot do this thing alone.

I also believe it all has to be done by design of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am sure many may balk at this. I admit I am using Hazelden’s workbooks, but they are the ones guided by The Big Book and the Book written by two anonymous authors, “A Program for You.”

Today I just read the first chapter and it is jam packed full of facts of exactly how AA began and how the Big Book even came into print, by the first 100 people. Thank goodness for The Oxford Groups and Ebby T bringing the message of hope to Cofounder of AA Bill W.

In this first chapter we learn we learn that the disease is two-fold physical and mental illness. It is a disease that will tell us we don’t have a disease. Yet, we end up in the same situations because nothing changes.

This describes nothing less than insanity when we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. There are so many things this applies to, or so I believe.

We cannot recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind without a spiritual experience. Many experiences though I believe are more of the educational variety as opposed to the lightening bolts and flashes of light. In alcoholism it is the drink that takes the next drink because we get the craving for it and wanting that first euphoria.

While I am almost 15 years clean and sober, I feel that I have a had a break in my spiritual foundation caused by myself. I believe the only way top fix the said foundation is to go back to the beginning of recovery.

It starts even before the admission of defeat this round. Thank goodness, I didn’t need to go back out and drink or use more!

There is no shame in going back and fixing the foundation of your whole system. What would be shameful and sad, even heart breaking for many of my friends, loved ones and myself is to go back out and throw everything away.

I would die never knowing I could be happy, joyous, and free. Today, I know I want to fix the foundation.

It all starts with being honest with yourself, God, and others. Or if you prefer a power greater than yourself. Early on they told me when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. The big motivator is pain.

Pain will drive you to your knees and make you start praying in ways, you haven’t ever thought about maybe ever, or in many years.

One of the things that really made me think was when I was sharing about my anger someone shared with me and others how they watched a person go backward before they died.

The rawness of this disease is you don’t have to take another drink to die from it. I don’t want that to be my legacy. Its time to let of the pain, anger, and even shame.

Day 4 of 3 things to be grateful for in 21 days

  1. My Friend Kassi
  2. Learning Solutions
  3. I am not alone today

This is me getting real! Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike over and out God Bless Everybody!

 

I am Powerless But I Can Change Me

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Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to Boxcarmike! I hope you enjoy following me in my journey. I have missed a day or two of writing so I may end up making up a day or two of my writing because I have limitations. That’s just the way I am going to roll with this.

I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. The only thing I can change is me.

Its when you realize its beyond addiction or any other sickness, it’s a soul sickness! You have become hardened, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get tired enough you become willing to change as only the dying can be willing enough to change. You beg for any direction to change.

When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. This is so true in my case. The how of it is honest, open minded, and willing. Lets try that again.

Honest

Open minded

Willing

See its all right there in how it works. I am powerless over the past, but I can start my day over anytime I want. Moving forward starts with the first step. For me the first step does still involve my attitude towards alcohol and reminiscing in thoughts of the romance, I once had with it.

You see I became sick and, in my isolation, and getting more tired and sick today. I realize I still grieve for it too. You don’t even realize you’re drowning at the time and so close to going back.

Its time to be honest, open minded, and willing. I haven’t had to do drink or do anything, but I am here to tell you the relapse starts in the mind. I am also here to tell you; the relapse doesn’t have to happen.

But the question always remains am I now willing to listen. Again, I believe it has to be only as willing as the dying can be to change their ways to recover.

The disease of alcoholism can be fatal if not treated. It’s a progressive disease. The disease if you allow it, it will isolate you. I am blessed! I was thrown a rope to tie a knot and hang on to.

Here’s the deal. No one can drag you the whole way. You can be brought to safety.  This is where hope begins. A whole new world can be opened up if, I am only honest, open-minded and willing.

I had to write a letter to my dad accepting his death. Not because I was just told to, but because I needed to do it for me and finally acknowledging his death.

I bring this up because I now see how it’s important, I finally tell alcohol it’s no longer a choice of reminiscing because that romance is only a dance right back to the disease and it will kill me if I allow it. I will kill me If I allow it.

There’s been lots of grieving in my life and it started at a young age of twelve years old and wishing for the guts and a gun to end it all. That’s the real truth of it all. I am an alcoholic and addict. The problem is me and its time to take the trash to the curb once and for all.

I am done grieving just for today!

3 things I am grateful for 21 day challenge:

  1. Friends who tell me the truth
  2. Tears that release years of pain
  3. For the how in the steps I am now ready to take to heal

Thank you for reading another blog post entry of BoxcarMike Over and out! God Bless you Everybody!

 

 

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

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Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!”  I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

  1. I am grateful for a meeting
  2. I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
  3. I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

 

Grieving Letting Go and Gratitude

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Hi Everyone,

My schedule keeps getting goofed up by lack of sleep and being up when I should be asleep. Its been difficult for me to keep up with my blog. I am trying to take steps to be positive and change. One of the hardest things for me is to make changes stick.

I am still determined to do better. I just have to realize I can’t jump up and do everything on the turn of a dime. It takes being patient with myself and others and those things in my life that seem so difficult to tackle. Change is a process. What I have been doing wrong is giving up before I even get started.

I feel some gratitude after talks and reading and writing a letter. I have been severely depressed for some time. I haven’t wanted to admit it but I feel some better even with the depression. I can’t say it’s all gone.

However, a ton of weight came off of me after talking, attending a meeting, and writing a letter. In the past I have always said well, I am better now. I am better, but I have a long way to go.

The things that come into play for me is the past and feeling guilt. Feeling remorse over things I don’t have control over. There are plenty of things I never chose or had control over to begin with. Some other things are learning to let go.

Even in grieving. It’s been fourteen years since my dad died. Many days have been grieving almost as much as I did when he first died. With the suggestion and help from a friend, I finally had to write a letter telling him I was letting go and that I accepted he died.

It was a long time even maybe a year later after he died my mom told me, I could say he died. Because that’s what he did! He died.

I know if you know me you think I just beat this gratitude into the ground. The fact is I am grateful today. I am grateful I can let go and push forward. I am never going to forget my dad, nor will I probably not smile or cry when I think about him.

I don’t have to grieve everyday like he just died today. I have decided I am going to get a plant though and put his picture up he deserves to be in my apartment. I deserve to be able to recognize him on a daily basis. He loved me. My mom and him saved me in ways I can never explain.

Yes, I deserve to be happy today. Yes, I can celebrate him and not have to be sad all the time. The other thing I am done with is trying to earn peoples love, man! Not one thing I can do to earn anyone’s love! I can’t go chasing knocking people down for not being better at some points. Its not my job to run people down or even make them like me.

I love me enough to let go today. I may not be perfect at it and it’s a process like anything else. But I am going for the prize of freedom. Won’t you run with me? Let’s find 3 things for 21 days to be grateful for. Let’s rewire our brains together on this journey.

I will end with 3 things I am grateful for today:

  1. I am grateful for freedom
  2. I am grateful for a new outlook
  3. I am grateful for book given to me I really wanted and need both

Thanks for reading and love ya all!

BoxcarMike here, over and out!

 

Anger and What I Cannot Deal With

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I would like to really pretend I have it all together. That’s not me to be able to do that.

I am just jumping in this post because I have had a hard time managing time, emotions, and sleep. My aim is to be up at 4:45 am every morning and it is very difficult to do, when you have been a night owl.

I will be the first to tell you I don’t like changes at all. To be honest the night owl life was ceasing to serve me in a positive way. I just enjoy it is all. The change needed to happen because, I really became tired from having to wait until afternoon to get everything done.

It was also stealing precious time and I was not functioning well with it. The emotions I have are mounting up much like my incoming mail and dreading to go to the mailbox, or even asking someone to get my mail for me.

I have to deal with professionals five days a week out of seven. You add in my personality which at times can be lighthearted, stupid jokes, and a lot of sarcasm which only carries you so far. Everyone has their personality as well. I also like to think I can mind read a lot as well. Who knew I would fail at that?

But I still like to think I am right most of the time. Oh, the many conversations in my head. The most amazing part is, most don’t even know what they have said to me in my head.

My spirituality has been slipping away and stuff is mounting up to where it’s even affecting my health. I was so angry last week my blood pressure rose to the point of needing be told to go to the emergency room, in which case I did not.

I am definitely not a good patient a and I never have been. I might have a little trouble with being compliant but of course I told my therapist I am compliant with him. I know I want to be, but I am not sure it is true.

I have been dropping more than a few f-bombs and “normal me” is not like that all the time. I feel so good when I go to a meeting though until I have to talk about the real. The sad fact is the solution seems to be surrender and letting go. This all seems to be ringing of admitting that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

My life in a sense, has become unmanageable once more. I can’t afford to be angry because of what all it affects. Once more its not just me that it affects, as I like to think sometimes. It affects those around me or even those associating with me.

Some have walked away. I can’t control what others do and I won’t beg anyone to stay. All I can do is strive for better. Do my best to get more rest and letting go of the stuff that bothers me before it gets to the boiling point. I am still trying to figure out where that point starts and stops.

I cannot be perfect for myself therefore, I sure won’t be so damned perfect for others either. That’s not my job. My job is to get through each twenty-four hours I have upon this earth and give freely of what I find to others.

It is, what it is!

Thanks for reading!