A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

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Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Doing The Medicine Deal To Get Better

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Hey Y’all,

I am here up late behind the keyboard ready to share more along my journey.

I am up late because I had to get in medicine. As I have shared before I have a PICC-Line in my arm, and it carries the antibiotics through my veins in the blood supply to fight the infection. I also take an oral antibiotic to assist in this process.

What I have not shared is, while I was in the hospital, I have the diagnosis through an x-ray showing of Osteomyelitis. This was the scariest news because it means an infection in the bone. I did not deal with this news very well I just wanted to come home and hide. It took me a while to share this with family even and not even all family but those that deal with me, anyway.

One of the options my Nurse Practitioner was looking at was oxygen therapy in a chamber or tube, for 3 hours a day 5 days a week for 30 weeks. I was very fearful even considering this option and in a weeks’ time skin has begun to grow around the bone isolating it enough to fight the infection. Thankfully, we do not have to consider the oxygen chamber as an option now.

So, we are back to Home Nurse Visits and weekly appointments at the wound clinic to check in for progress while I have my dressings changed there. The other wounds are healing incredibly!

I also must be careful because the bone is brittle, and I could easily break my foot carelessly.

I do believe God is at the center of all of it. It has been the prayers and help of friends and family. Even medicines and food to aid in this healing process. I have so much love and gratitude. God has this regardless of how I may have responded.

In this next twenty-four hours I really want to face me and God together. When I first heard the diagnosis Osteomyelitis, I could not say it because I did not want to face the truth. It was a just easier to say a serious infection.

In my journey of recovery, I have found it difficult to keep talking, to keep sharing, to keep on taking an inventory of my behavior, and to keep from omitting the truth which is just another way of lying. I am doing my best to change, and I do fall short.

I have made a resolve to enjoy my apartment once again. I want to see about hanging pictures even, finally just to show decoration and hope to have embarked upon that this week.

I do have my home health helper back to help with cleaning, cooking, laundry shopping and retrieving my medicine. I am so grateful for this help, and I want to continue my tradition of remembering gratitude or giving thanks for so much in this season of Fall.

I should have updated a couple of people before I even post this. Your love and support mean so much!

As a side note, I am becoming willing to change my eating habits and try Keto. I am doing what I can to learn about it. One of my friends is teaching me there are foods out there called Keto friendly, and it is not true.

I am thankful for all of you. I invite you to stay tuned as I hope to update this blog more. With that I will now close.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Life Turned Upside Down Sideways Inside Out

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Hey Y’all 

Here I am finally writing now a week or two home from the hospital.

I am sure people are wondering what is going and specifically I will not say yet. The PICC Line is in once again fighting an infection, a serious one at that. Fear has been a part of this deal because it is that scary and hard to come to within ways that could be life-changing. For days, my lie by omission was easier than facing the truth.

Facing the truth meant I had to speak the truth. It meant speaking it to those who have been in a spot to help me manage me.

Fear gripped me to the point of not being able to sleep and still I regress back to that since even believing God has this. I fall apart and ask for help from God and others. I needed to remember what the truth is and even stuff just lost in the mix of events.

No, I am not dying any faster than anyone else who woke up today. I am hoping that these dang antibiotics and lifestyle changes such as diet will help even more in reversing the order of things.

Yup, I cry at the drop of a hat even more so these days. I am dealing with anger and self-pity at times. No one likes to admit to these things. I take more medication now than when I was self-diagnosed and self-medicated.

Coming home has been an adjustment that has not been easy for me, caregivers, and even just friends. They take my blood at least once a week.

Friday, I met with my primary FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner), and he is happy with the fact I am trying to stay on top of appointments and medications. To be clear I have not been one for hospitals and doctors. All though I have had to for disability and other problems.

What is the real story? What is my part in it? How do I help myself? How do I help those trying to help me?

Well, I got to take a break and do my antibiotics and rest while waiting for the nurse to call. I hope to finish this blog entry, edit it, and publish it today.

I still struggle with getting a routine down because everything seems to change daily.

One thing I do have to share is that Friday when the nurse checked the PICC-Line, there was no blood return. Today, she drew blood for labs from the PICC-Line and both concluded it was God.

Every PICC-Line I have had we have never been able to continue getting blood, it was amazing when it worked today. I was also happy as she did not have to stick me. She was prepared just in case she had to a butterfly.

I am ready to be in a season of thankfulness, peacefulness, and full of hope. I am looking forward to sharing changes for the positive and changes bringing on healing in body mind and spirit.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Here We Go Again Another Round At The ER

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He Y’all I am up late tonight behind the keyboard once more.

My heart is heavy and have some concerns as I must get up in the morning and head to the emergency room at the hospital. Today I got a call late from the wound clinic that the Nurse Practitioner wants me to go to the emergency room to have my feet checked out. They are not evidently and or going in the right direction of healing.

I have several good things on my side though. I have a praying Mama and Grandma. I also have several friends praying and most people I miss terribly. But I have never felt so cared for by so many people. I have a good friend willing to take me to the hospital.

I promised my Mama I could go back to sleep, and I am exhausted even though I did sleep all evening. I had my friendly helper fry up some hamburger and all I had to do was put it together with cheese, chips, sour cream, and guacamole for some simple nachos.

However, I had to stop and ask her to finish it because I got weak all the sudden. I should have sat down to do it in hindsight. I got about a 1/4 of it down and I am taking bites of some more of it as I write this entry. But once I ate, I knew I had to lay down and I am blaming most of it on not sleeping well the night before.

I had overslept and the nurse said she had come by to change my dressings. I never heard or call or knock on the door /ring the bell. Thankfully I woke up before a great panic set in to call my friend who has a key to my apartment and the whole thing start with calling my mom. I called the nurse, and she came back by 1:30pm.

When she started unwrapping my legs and feet, I had pain. There is a calloused part starting to look like it could open into a wound. This is not a good thing as I just got off the IV antibiotics through the PICC Line I had in my arm through my rehab and all.

Also, the night before I started throwing up. I had chalked it up to some food not agreeing with me. However, I also know this could have been a sign and I just thought of it now. So, one more thing I must tell the doctors in the morning.

The blood tests they did which is routine was some highs and some lows and I never can figure it all out, but I was doing better when I was on my protein shakes for sure.

I am trying to get all of this out of my head so I can stop worrying.

When I finally did call my Mama, I admitted I was afraid about even going to the hospital and did not want to go, but we both know I must. She prayed for the fear to go, and I prayed for her to have supernatural rest and that her husband be healed of his ailments and that God will heal my Mama in ways that He knows she needs to be healed.

My living room/office is clean and mostly decluttered. I will not get to enjoy it so much tomorrow. It makes me sad we got it clean for me just to leave for the hospital. At least it will be clean when I come home.

I am leaving between 9:30 and 10:00 am to head to the hospital. Now to make a list for in the morning of things I want to take including a list of my medications and all.

I am going to try to take a short walk. I want to enjoy the midnight air. So maybe just on this short sidewalk in front of my apartment. I will have my phone with me.

I will get back to sleep and wake in the morning. Oh, also I need to call my therapist so he knows everything going on and maybe I will talk to him just shortly before this whole ball starts rolling tomorrow.

I have some tears and it is okay as I do have a lot to cry over and a lot to be grateful for both. I guess my prayer is that Jesus takes the wheel and bring me back whole somehow. This is a hard walk. I wish I could hug everyone. I am sure you think I am just being dramatic, but it is scary, and I love every one of you. God Bless you and keep you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Time Is Up! What Have I Done

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Hey Y’all!

It is good to be back behind the keyboard again. I am sorry it has been so long. My life has stayed turned upside down and I am still searching for answers and resolves in turning things around. I have no real answers right now, just a hope that I can keep on keeping on!

On August 28, 2021, I celebrated my 17th year of being clean and sober. But there is more that does still have to change. I feel so broken in ways to the point of just being in pieces waiting for God to show me how I go back together.

I have wanted to reinvent myself in so many ways. With some I feel they are telling me time is up! Do it or do not do it. With others they are just patiently waiting with God waiting for me to step forward to take the action needed to help myself.

I have had to isolate a lot for health reasons and a lot of bitter tears asking how, when, and why?

I cannot seem to shake loose everything that has happened since coming home from the rehab and moving. The moving happened within 48 hours of coming home from the rehab. I feel like I turned a corner and jumped on runaway train. All the while screaming I want things back and I want to let loose of all that is not good for me.

Some of my most cherished friends I miss most of all, even the ones that are walking with me. Have I lost them? That is what is screaming inside my head so loudly, yet in the silence. I cannot seem to find my way back to who I am.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!
Hymn Lyrics

The God of all in my understanding and as I may not understand Him is where I find refuge right now.

I still have good dreams on how to live my life out loud. even though the nightmares still come. I walk a little way and I fall. But I refuse to stay down maybe that’s why I can still see His mercy and grace upon my life.

I really do want change in my life.

Maybe now is the time to go back to the basics of reading and hearing the true words I need. The words that remind me of who I am.

There are some people ready to help if I will just ask. How do I let go of my will?

I cry out when I am alone for fear certain people are gone. But there they are just waiting.

I have a story to tell its just waiting for me to form the words. My words are like paint, and they will paint a picture when they are true. I am not sure which way to turn but I must take a step for anything just something to change.

I hope when it is all ready, I will be standing up right and my hand stretched to yours as we give and take and come away from each other changed from where we once were.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Taking Responsibility For My Time And Happiness

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Hi Everyone,

Time is so expensive. We all say there’s not enough time in the day to complete everything. My World is so turned upside down I cannot make sense of much.

I stay irritable and discontented. I do not like feeling this way. I need to find gratitude again and make the best of all situations. I am having to remember my problems are not other people’s problems. Therefore, remembering how I speak to others and remembering to be respectful in my speech is most important.

I know I have a few friends sore that I have not made time for them, and I need to regardless, if other friends are feeling left out in the cold right now. The problem is now is both sets of friends are sore and feeling abandoned. For that matter I am sure my mama even feels abandoned, but I will take time this evening for her and 2 friends at least.

If you are feeling sore, just know I am not happy with me either. I am doing the best I can in this moment. These twenty-four hours are all I have, to try and do right by. I am sure I am not doing right. Except for my Mama, that is never wrong, and she will always come before anyone almost.

A lot of this I spoke out loud to my visiting nurse Katie, while she was here addressing my wounds and rewrapping my feet and legs. She reminds me a lot of my mama always trying to arrange appointments and take of the kids while doing other responsibilities as well. All though my mama didn’t work outside the home as we grew up, she still had other responsibilities and needed time away. Time away never happened for her though, well not usually.

I do not want my time stolen from me either. There always time thieves lurking about or the things you casually forgot as you were making a time schedule and to-do lists.

Take my word, forgetting things can be very expensive and blow up in your face as well.

I am trying to figure out my time, what will work, and be convenient. Time is never convenient. You just make it work somehow, I guess.

I need to get busy and make a list of what needs done. I still have stuff to unpack and today is so backwards, I have yet to make my bed. I always say I am coming in to unpack and put away more boxes or totes, but I feel so defeated not knowing where stuff is nor how to make it work in the space provided, without spending more money or asking for something.

I guess I will just make my mind up to not go outside until it is done. I am really taking risks the longer I leave stuff to be done. They are unnecessary and only set me up to stay irritable and discontent.

I am going to take responsibility for me and my happiness, starting now!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Out With it All Hospital Rehab and Moved

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Howdy Everyone!

It has been a wild summer to say the least. It is one I would love a different do-over for.

It was early June in the wee hours of the morning I went to the hospital by ambulance. It was over 13 times of the ambulance being called to help me off the floor. I did not keep count. I finally relented and asked to be taken to the hospital.

The next day would be surgery on my wounds in the lower extremities of my limbs.

It is many medicines and a PICC Line of antibiotic and oral antibiotics. I did about 3 weeks of rehab in a nursing home, again nothing I want to relive.

I must keep getting stronger I do feel tired and weak, but I am determined! I will not be kept down. I am losing some weight finally. Cigarettes are the same as alcohol for me these days and right now I cannot seem to just say no.

After 3 weeks of rehab, I came home for a day or so and moved on Independence Day July 4th, 2021. Thanks first off to God a good friend who loves Yahweh and his friend. They are both totally sold out to Him.

There have been many helpers and people on the phone and internet to interact with and have encouraged me and I am grateful for that.

I am kicking Physical Therapy’s butt even if it feels like mine is being kicked instead. I have not had any falls since being home or falling out of bed.

In my first week of rehab, I felt it necessary to prove I could walk out to the patio and show off I did. I feel flat on my face and needed help getting up nothing damaged. Whew!

There have been traumatizing things along the way in my journey but being grateful for coming through is awesome!

My friend Jean and other neighbors are great. We share a small community group like and take care of each other. Jean has loaned me Cadillac which I renamed Jack the Cadillac, a rollator walker I use to do a lot of different things.

When I get tired I can sit on Jack or just out visiting on my own patio. I also want to mention a great blessing to get to know Bobby in the nursing home.

Because of him my friends Mike and Connie were there and found me there. They and along with others helped keep my sanity when cigarettes just could not do it all.

One of the best things happened during the biggest process of my move was Wren Jean’s husband Barbecued for us all on the 4th of July.  What a blessing!

I have my best buddy for years who never missed a move in my 18-20 years of knowing him who checks on me a lot and tells me the truth even when I may not care to hear it.

My recovery is rocking even when I am fatigued and feeling negative. God is with me each step of the way. I just have to keep on keeping on.

Kassi, I do not know what I would do without you, your clan, and the girls who have all checked on me like Joyce, Marie, Suzy, and others.

Well, I have to get ready another day of kicking Physical Therapy’s butt!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry for Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Changes Coming A Whole Brand New Ballgame

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Hello Everybody!

I am here with more reasons and mostly the same reasons why I seem to be missing in action a lot. My health has been on a decline as well as my emotional well-being and nervous system.

I really thought I could move ahead with out as many changes. That was my first mistake.

I have had a couple of falls and being stuck off the bed and on halfway kind of pinned and on box springs. I could not get me up. I was trapped by own weight, dead weight.

The muscle behind my knee has quit working right. It is the muscle that allows us to bend our knees and legs to get up almost without thinking about it when we are healthy.

I hate admitting this because there is nothing else, nor anyone else to put the blame on. I have allowed my unhealthy ways to trap me in.

I must dig out the tools and figure out how I can live peaceably but healthier in my eating and exercise. It includes getting enough water, rest, and actual sleep as well.

Even starting on a small scale of change is better than not trying at all.

I have my reasons for not wanting weight loss surgery. So, I have 6 months to convince the medical team I can make a goal and keep moving forward.

EMS has been here a total of two times; I do not want there to be a third time.

I still must decide what goals are attainable and reasonable for me, for this next month. I must write them down and track the steps to accomplish them.

I really was not prepared in thinking how messed up my body is even though people could yell it at me. Even though caring all I heard was the yelling or their passion.

I refuse to be defeated and it all hurts physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Whatever I decide I am going to have to stick with it because change is hard and its going to take repetition of new things to make this change.

The hardest is feeling the shame inside feeling crippled by it just as much as the dis-eases that come with unhealthy living.

You think that by doing a few healthy things it can get better. I can tell you; it is not enough to do just a few things.

I want to change and do better. It will take lots of hard work on my part.

There are other changes that will have to take place too though I am not ready to confront those just yet.

The way I do figure it is if these changes can happen then its way better than the humiliation and self-degradation, I have been through by not being able to help myself.

I never felt so small than when I was communicating to my mom that I was scared and that I had to get my oxygen level up and be able to do the exercises.

But I felt great after prayer with her I was able to do both get my oxygen level up and get some exercises in.

I have a chance to change; I am going to take it with Gods help.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y‘all Everybody!

Taking Action to Make Changes Happen

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Hi Everyone,

I really cannot say I have accomplished a lot in the way of moving forward to look for a new place to live. I also have done horrible staying in touch with people. But again, I will not give up. I can do better and vow to do so.

I did make a list with due dates for each task and a place to mark in my progress, until I have completed the list. I made such a list years ago to motivate myself to complete such tasks.

It already has motivated me to get rid of the piles of papers on my desk and put them in folders. One thing that was important for me was to get all my bills down to a zero balance. This has relieved a lot of stress and undue pressure on myself.

This last week I had a face-to-face therapy session. One of the great things about this session was to find and feel that spiritual connection again. It has stayed on my mind since last Friday.

It has been a long time to find the spiritual part under all the human brokenness in me. Its just junk that I have been carrying around. I do not always know how to let go or deal with it rationally.

It was as if God Himself, pushed all the junk aside and asked if I would meet him in the middle so I can be free. This getting ready to move is like the physical act of cleaning the junk out and taking responsibility for myself. I do want to be willing to let go of the crud and stop being afraid of everything.

When I feel halfway decent, it is like all the things are being put in place for me to keep busy and not be distracted. As I write this, I see how I finished one task completely. I have 11 more tasks on my list to complete by the end of the week.

The other thing I need to address is that I need to put in the work of showing care for all those in my tribe and doing my best to reply to people more promptly. This is especially true with those of you in my own tribe. I do value each and everyone of you who read what I have to say.

I guess all in all when we say we are ready to make a change we must take physical action. If we do not act, it makes it hard to show the seriousness in making the changes needed.

I guess as I reflect over my life right now, I see this as a moment I am choosing to want to make a change. In this moment I get to take the steps necessary to make this change.

Acting, gives me freedom to choose and not be forced into moving where I do not want to move. Real self-care begins when you take the forcefulness out of your life by doing the next right thing.

I am now really excited for this journey to continue.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Let It Go, Don’t Shoot The Wounded

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Good Afternoon Everyone!

The past week has been working through things one day at a time.

A week or so ago, I left off with grace being my word for the year. Grace is a real need in my life and important for me to give grace to others. I have been one to always build these monumental images up in my head of how bad a situation can be. In other words, I must look at the fact that some situations just are not that bad.

When things are overwhelming, I seem to lose focus and have a distorted view of reality. Yes, I am saying sometimes my troubles are of my own making whether that is intentional or not. In many ways I can say, “What a relief… it is just my own head.”  I can take a deep breath and say a prayer to pause and ground myself for a moment.

Sometimes the mountain in my life is just tackling the stacks of papers on my desk. I have been grieving over so many I have known over the years just dying in big groups anymore, or so it seems. I have found I have no more words for those dying and I have finally resigned from taking their inventory or fault finding. I am no longer qualified to judge anyone, and the truth is I never was qualified to do so.

It is only in grace that I can even begin to start loving myself, believing the best and seeing the best in others. By grace I can breathe in and out. By grace I can finally admit that the war I have been fighting has been the war of self. I want better for myself.

I have friends who have yelled in a hushed whisper “Mike! Mike! Michael! Let it go!” I never wanted to let go of anything I thought was my cause.  No matter which group of friends I found next, they would all have the same chant. Was there a group all these same friends signed up for after they got to know me? Perhaps so.

In short, I have learned to let go and realize my dog is not in that fight. I still sometimes slip up and fall backwards. The great thing is it does get less and less.

Today most of my friends both present and those whom maybe we do not have a chance to talk, are some of my greatest heroes. I even count my family who I do not get to see, are my superheroes as well. Every single human has fought wars which we may know nothing about.

They say do not shoot the wounded. I was reading that the other day and there was another line after it. You might be the wounded next time. Oh man, it tugged at my heart because that is exactly what I was doing a lot of times. I do not want to be so selfish. Today I want my tribe and myself to be cheerleaders for each other. I believe most of us are exactly that. I am one of my mama’s biggest fans even and I try to show her that same love and care she has for me all these many years. I do not even come close to it in my own mind; however, it does not take much in the fact of my own energy as it takes grace for me to even do it.

Because of grace my mom and I have forgiveness for each other’s mistakes in the past present and future. Love covers a multitude of sins. I have read that before, and I believe it. I wish to walk with everyone I am with along this journey in that same way.

If you are reading this and thinking hogwash, do not give up on me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!