The Diagnosis And Update Since Being Home

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Hey, Y’all,

The original diagnosis was that I was admitted on Friday, November 29th, 2024. I was said to have hypoxia, which is where your vital organs do not have enough oxygen. It can be deadly. I also had an infection that went through my entire central nervous system. I contracted strep throat through a wound in my foot in the infection.

An MRI showed positive for osteomyelitis. Two bones in my foot had had to be amputated as well. At first in the Emergency Room, they thought I was dealing with pneumonia. That was when they caught it as an infection going through my central nervous system.

In the meantime, since being discharged from the hospital on December 6th, 2024. I am continuing antibiotics and was told the osteomyelitis is gone. I am receiving home health and going to the wound clinic. I am also getting home visits from  Physical Therapy.

While Thanksgiving was a bust this year, I have so much to be grateful for. The nurses, techs, and everyone who had any part in helping me. I have had a lot of support. There is still much more work and healing to go through.

Strange enough my faith in God is stronger. I am letting my home health aide do his job and doing my best to not be controlling and trying to have lists of my needs available beforehand.

There are several blessings I have received in the way of both family and friends.

We are about on schedule for the goals I have in keeping my apartment safe and clean.

I Love myself enough:

  1. To heal
  2. To do the work to change
  3. To deal with others with care
  4. To be gentle but firm with myself and not make excuses.
  5.  I want to make sure I never have to go through this experience again.

I hope to make a Thanksgiving meal soon, but it may take a minute before I am ready to do that.

Every weekday is going to be filled with something medical and physical.

I am enjoying my coffee and making my lists for today.

My entire world was turned upside down because everything was good or so I thought. It just proves your life can change in the blink of an eye.

The fun thing and adorable thing I shared in my last post was Rosie The Raccoon, which Tonya gave me. I am so attached to this stuffed animal because it came from her. She is that kind of beautiful person. The attachment of love and care. You just never know where your journey might lead.

There is another nurse who gave me a wake-up call because she spoke to me and loved the music to which I was listening. She really lives her life out loud! It woke me up to the thought I needed to get back to that. Living Life out loud. Stop being afraid of what others think! She also turned me onto her son’s music, and I can feel the beat and lives that have thrived from that.

I am pressing forward while healing!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

It Is A War But It Is Not My Fight

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Rosie The Raccoon Photo by Michael Radin and Tonya Day December2024.

Hey, Y’all!

I am grateful I can write. I have cried over changes and my emotions flooding my face in the past two weeks. To recap I contracted an infection that has gone through my entire central nervous system. It affected me to the point of strep throat and osteomyelitis. I also lost control of bodily functions in the short term until I became hospitalized.

I am going through challenging adjustments.

Before I get too far, I am thankful for my wound clinic team and driver, my home health nurses, my family, and my friends. I need you forever and I want to be there for you.

I feel prayers and love.

I cried in large part because I was not prepared for how hard it is to take care of myself as well as the pain. I am giving a special shout-out to my friends who got me comfort food and beverages. My friend who picked up my apartment did laundry made my bed and waited for me to get in my bed and get my medications.

I am a grown man with the little boy inside me afraid but going through the dark to come out the other side.

I love me enough to heal. I am thankful I can show up for myself today.

I have to take a break and think about sleep- 2:09 am

I am behind the keyboard and monitor to write Wednesday, November 11th, 2024. at 10:03 pm.

Today was a long day, but it was good, even if it was painful. I didn’t think before getting into the hospital van that I couldn’t just pick up my foot, as always, it’s painful to heal.

Unfortunately, a narcotic is necessary. I am being careful checking in and letting people know what I am doing so I do not go backward; besides there are only so many I am allowed and then no more so making them stretch as long as I can. I am doing what is necessary to heal.

Today I went to the wound clinic to get my wraps changed on my feet and legs. I went to my primary doctor after the wound clinic, and then I came home and had physical therapy this afternoon. I took myself off all of my diabetes medicine and controlled my blood sugars through diet alone, which is impressive!

I am grateful for everyone’s good wishes, thoughts, and prayers.

I titled this entry “It Is A War, But It Is Not My Fight” That is because God used everyone and has pulled me through one more time. He is even using a doctor I originally had years ago in St Louis, and here we are in small-town Missouri.

A special blessing is one of my nurses who has been a nurse for a few of my hospital stays or Tech  (I am not sure of the correct title), Tonya. She means the world to me regardless of the outcome I am not looking to gain anything but unconditional love and friendship. I could be related to her husband I am still having to verify exactly how, but like a 5th or 6th cousin.

There is always more to share but I am tired again I had to take a few hours’ nap and now I need more sleep.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

When You Are In A Brown LA Haze

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Photo by Ellie Burgin on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I have shared Jimmy Buffet before here we go again.

“Come Monday”

By Jimmy Buffett

Headin’ up to San Francisco

For the Labor Day weekend show,

I’ve got my hush-puppies on,

I guess I never was meant for

Glitter rock and roll.

And honey I didn’t know

That I’d be missin’ you so.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

Yes, it’s been quite a summer,

Rent-a-cars and westbound trains.

And now you’re off on vacation,

Somethin’ you tried to explain.

And darlin’ I love you so that’s

The reason I just let you go.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

I can’t help it honey,

You’re that much a part of me now.

Remember the night in Montana when

We said there’d be no room for doubt.

I hope you’re enjoying’ the scenery,

I know that it’s pretty up there.

We can go hikin on Tuesday,

With you I’d walk anywhere.

California has worn me quite thin,

I just can’t wait to see you again.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

I have drifted along, diving deep into a pit of darkness. I found myself in a very dark place. I am slowly climbing out, holding on to any words I can to help me escape the darkness. It felt like a brown L.A. haze for me too, but it lasted much longer than four days. Embracing the journey and utilizing the tools at your disposal can be challenging. It will not always be an easy path.

I am not where I had hoped to be and that is because of my procrastination in short. I must make peace and accept I procrastinated while all the distractions and interruptions happened as well. I own the fact I did not have the knowledge or allow for adjustments which is why I screamed when things did not go my way.

The biggest mistake I made was going on autopilot.

When I accepted my journey, I said I wanted a better relationship with myself. However, I just stopped checking in with myself and autopilot did not work. Before I can have better relationships with anyone else, I  must have a better relationship with myself. I cannot be checked out and expect things to run smoothly.

If you have set everything on autopilot so you can put out other fires, you are not going to see autopilot not working if you have not checked in. You are also not going to see that you are going down for a crash landing.

You might swear you have done everything you know how, but the proof is in the pudding. If you have crashed and fallen into the pit of darkness, you have not done everything you could do. Therefore, you have not used all the tools you have.

I must admit now that I have not done everything I could do. Thanks to my tribe and writing this blog post, I am aware now.

It is now my responsibility to take care of myself, make amends where needed, and move forward.

For the past two weeks, I have not taken my diabetes medication under the guidance of a nurse, and I have been managing my blood sugar levels well. I am presently losing weight which is making me feel good.

The deal is if my blood sugar starts messing up, I will go back on the medication. I hope to be able to stay off the medication. Everything is a day at a time in my life.

It is now Sunday, November 24th, 2024. I started this post yesterday. I am feeling good and in a great mood.

I am starting first things first:

  • Asking For Help to start the day with prayer (Coffee is immensely helpful to me)
  • Breakfast and medications according to directions of my doctor and medical staff
  • Making my to-do lists
  • Making My calls and texts checking my calendars (taking directions and seeing if I might be helpful and encouraging to others)
  • Stop- Breathe- make a gratitude list and meditate on what is good!
  • Remembering H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired)and my pauses ( God save me from being angry!)
  • Get as much done as possible.
  • Checking in, listening to others, or an uplifting message

throughout the day.

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 90

Alcoholics Anonymous World Services

Today, I realized that I cannot manage my anger responsibly by holding onto it. My therapist has been trying to convey this message to me for over twenty years now—he gets all giddy about this kind of insight (shh… do not tell him I shared this secret about anger and feeling disturbed). He believes my thinking is flawed.

I need to view others as individuals who are struggling and require help just like I do. There are certain things beyond my control; I must accept them and move forward.

I make right whatever wrong I have done as soon as possible. I am often slow in this process. However, if I truly desire to be free and be at peace with myself God, and others, I must do it.

At the end of the day, I thank God for helping me make it for these twenty-four hours.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Finding Gratitude In Everything And Giving Thanks

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Photo by Anna Tukhfatullina Food Photographer/Stylist on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Last week began wonderfully. I roasted a turkey on Sunday that my friend had dropped off. I was genuinely grateful for the opportunity to roast the turkey. We made a deal: if I roasted it, we would split it, which was a fantastic arrangement.

My new home health aide started on Monday. He has proven to be an incredible help. However, by the end of the week, he fell ill, and I started feeling unwell on Friday night.

By Saturday night, I was on the mend, and I devoted the rest of the weekend to resting, aside from catching up on missed calls and texts.

Let me be clear—the turkey was not the cause of our illness; there may have been black mold discovered in the plumbing of my shower during cleaning. Fortunately, we both recovered from our symptoms.

While it can be challenging to find gratitude during sickness, I recognize its importance.

This past Monday, I had the medical team and driver, and they were exceptional. My lung screening came back all clear, with no suspicious spots. I appreciate their support, no matter my mood.

My home health aide is truly a blessing, ensuring my home is thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom. I woke up to find Asian beetle bugs trying to invade my door, and my driver took charge first thing this morning, knocking them off so they would not stick to us or get inside my apartment.

On Monday afternoon, my aide was able to take down two nests and remove spider webs around the door and windows. He meticulously cleaned the kitchen, including counters, cabinets, and appliances. He emptied everything from under the sink and cleaned around the pipes, spraying the perimeter to prevent pests. This support has been vital in helping me stay grounded and off my feet.

On Tuesday, he helped me start the laundry and complete the washing and drying. He returned the laundry and assisted me with hanging and folding it while I finished putting everything away. He also cleaned the top and sides of my table.

On Wednesday, a friend brought the necessary medicine for my Home Health Nurse to take care of my wounds, and I seized the opportunity to help my friend drive his car to a shop and be outside of my apartment. We enjoyed a productive visit.

Upon returning, my nurse was already there, and my friend assisted me inside with my late lunch. My nurse completed the wound care, and my home health aide arrived halfway through.

Throughout this week, I have outlined the significant accomplishments made. It is evident how I would have been on my feet otherwise, and I would not have been able to maintain the same level of thoroughness without his help.

This is different from my whole experience since first having a home health aide in my home. The other part is too, I have changed the way I interact with people and have learned how to make reasonable compromises with fewer expectations. Such a diligent worker impresses me!

I am slowly learning to assertively say what I am fussy about.

I also want to note that quite possibly the reason for so many infections in the past when I was allowed to take showers, is because of the black mold.

While this blog post may appear dull to readers, it plays a crucial role in the journey. Embracing the boring and mundane moments is vital for growth and understanding along the way.

I am learning more lessons in this journey and also by sharing it, I have the opportunity to acknowledge each step of the process. For all of what I learned thus far, I am grateful. It has truly been one day at a time.

James 1:17 (ESV)

17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I Am Determined To Be Back On Top

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Photo by Cody King on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am determined to get back on top of everything. In my last blog post, I mentioned that I must roll with the changes, or at least, it was implied if I did not specifically say it outright. Little did I know that changes would follow the very next day. My home health aide quit unexpectedly. It was for the best.

It was a substantial change because I was doing my best to accept and accommodate her needs besides expressing my own. I wished her well and nothing but goodness in her future adventures. I am also relieved. This may be the first time I ever accepted a change in the right way.

On Monday afternoon, a new helper will be introduced to me as well as a new assistant office manager for the agency that helps me with my home health needs. I am looking forward to meeting the new people. I am hoping this change helps benefit the changes that I need to take responsibility for in my own life.

My writing is important to me, but I have just been drifting and staying in a depressed state these past few months. With each setback in gaining a total of four wounds, I have accepted them. However, I cannot deny they have affected my emotional well-being.

It affects my well-being because new wounds make me feel I am losing a battle for healing. What caused the new wounds was fluid build-up, as well as tunneling that happens from wounds, already present traveling to present dead skin. This is over ten years’ worth of decay.

This is now taking debridement as well as soaking and dressing in compression wraps to treat the wounds. The good news is as the wounds form, we are aggressively treating the wounds, so they are short-lived.

Today, I woke up at 4:17 am and enjoyed a continental breakfast at home. Getting up early has allowed me to have more personal time, as the new helper has a different schedule. I am grateful for the change, as the previous schedule was exhausting. I am hoping this will now be a routine.

The previous schedule took away my time with friends as well as diminishing both my afternoon and evening time.

I feel hopeful right now. I am now ready for a new day!

The changes I am making begin with taking responsibility just for myself. I am also hoping for better communication and to start addressing any problems as soon as they crop up and not let anything fester into resentments. I also know that not everything will always go my way. This is where acceptance enters the picture.

However, reasonable requests for cleaning, preparing meals, and errands that are nearby should not be a problem. I also can let go of taking responsibility for receipts and turning in expense reports to the office. This will take the stress off of me.

Being prepared by having daily tasks posted for my helper to do will go a long way with communication and also meet my needs. I will also have a written outline of my expectations for Monday. This is taking responsibility for communicating and advocating for my personal care needs.

This is the difference between being assertive and passive. Meaning what I say, and not saying it mean. This is not negotiating or asking questions, rather I am stating my needs so they can be met properly.

Having all of this in place will help me move forward with my emotional and spiritual growth. Having a new helper will also take time for me to be off my feet and allow physical healing. This will enable me to comply with my medical team. It is also within the bounds of being compliant with the home health agency.

In the past, I have vocally been aggressive and or passive rather than assertive. Being passive or aggressive does not accomplish anything. It escalates resentments already present. Being assertive promotes clear communication and squashes any resentment.

My hope in accomplishing all of this will stop other things, other people, and myself from wasting my time. This in turn will help me write more consistently.

I am ready for a positive outlook now and climb out of the mud and mire. I am grateful for all of you reading this and for all of those in my tribe. It is time to press forward now.

Philippians 3:12-14 (ESV)

“12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Its Changes In Latitudes Changes in Attitudes

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Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Life is full of changes and challenges. As the great Jimmy Buffett once said: “It’s those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, nothing remains quite the same. With all of our running and all of our cunning, if we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.”

Let us embrace the changes, maintain a positive attitude, and find humor. In the past month or so, it seems like one curveball after another keeps coming at me. As I have talked with others, this is their consensus as well. I had no idea I would be in my late fifties learning how to effectively deal with these curveballs. In the past, my answer would have been that nothing can be done about them. Today, it is all about taking each day at a time.

My health issue curveballs have been dealing wounds as always. I am hoping to continue dealing with these at home with the home health nurse and visit the wound clinic on an outpatient basis.

We make plans and set goals without knowing what challenges lie ahead. There is no way to plan for everything, so we do our best to cope.

In my life, it has been all about health issues. This includes physical and mental health issues. I am a firm believer that you cannot heal the physical without also addressing the emotional health as well. It does not stop there; it also encompasses spiritual health as well.

Change does not happen overnight in most cases. In my world, miracles and cures are mostly of the educational variety. It works this way so I can learn. The other thing related to healing is forgiveness. Learning to accept forgiveness and to forgive others.

Being forgiven let me understand there was no way I could ever make right what was forgiven. Forgiving others in return frees me.

I would be remiss if I did not include the importance my therapy and recovery have played a part in trying to be healthy today.

You would think in twenty years I would have retained the knowledge and importance of having a routine. This is the best advice ever given to me. My best friend for over twenty years now shared this with me when he asked me a question. What is your routine? My answer was I do not know. He shared this, get one. Twenty years later he still says you know when I stick to my routine, I do a whole lot better.

In therapy, there are questions my therapist asks me or tries to do every week if I am cooperative. I finally understand that I also need to ask myself these questions.

  1. How are you?
  2. What are you feeling?
  3. Have you eaten today?
  4. Are you taking your medications?
  5. How is your sleep schedule?
  6. What did you do this week?
  7. Did you go anywhere or do anything fun besides doctor’s appointments?

I take my vitals every day without fail. The same is true about my medications. Very rarely do I miss either of those two things.

My grandma used to say, if you make your bed first thing when you get up you will get a routine going.

Boxcar Mike says, give others the latitude they need and none of the attitude.

One of the things I told my worker today is that we all must practice self-care. If we take care of ourselves today, we can be stronger tomorrow.

3 John 1:2 (ESV)

2 Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

I hope to share more soon.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Taking Opportunities Believe Pray And Wait

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Hey, Y’all!

It is always a wonderful day when I can take the time to make a blog post entry.

As usual, I feel strapped for time. I want to take the opportunities I can. I have missed opportunities as well. I feel bad about those missed opportunities. There are times when I cannot make up for missed opportunities.

I must do better, is all I can say to myself.

I have made progress despite taking steps backward. I am learning that there are opportunities I get to take today. Spiritually, there is the opportunity to pray for others. There are people I pray for; I get to pray with them; there are people, I pray for their needs alone.

I had hoped to finish this in early August. It is Now September 3rd, 2024.

I needed my local support team and thankfully each one has been there in whatever way I needed them. I am thankful for each one. I could not have made it without a local support team.

In recent events, I have encountered another infection. Thankfully, I am on a strong antibiotic but doing well thanks to my medical team.

I am learning along the way and finally understand how the longer it takes to heal wounds the more chances for more wounds. The reason is that years of damage cause further deterioration of good skin tissue. I hope I retain this comprehension as it is the first time I acknowledge it.

I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for a new carpet extractor to clean my carpet.
  2. I am thankful for the meals and food given to me.
  3. I am thankful for the daily phone calls.
  4. I am thankful for my medical team.
  5. I am thankful for restful sleep.
  6. I am thankful for healing for a family member and their medical team.
  7. I am thankful for the reminders.
  8. I am thankful for celebrating twenty years of sobriety and clean time.
  9. I am thankful for the ones who have stuck by through thick and thin through my recovery.
  10. I am thankful for what my grandma used to say, “Michael, the sun will rise again tomorrow.”

In waiting and praying I do not have to fall apart today. I learned that I could keep busy and do what I can. I can ask questions, seek advice, and allow change to happen.

Sometimes to obtain the information I seek is to repeat what I was told from the beginning. While repeating this information, you deduct your fears and irrational thoughts and stick to the facts. You keep praying, waiting, and believing the best is happening.

There is always more learning and doing right where I am.

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I Feel Like I am On A Time Clock

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Hey Y’all!

I feel like I am on a time clock racing to get everything done. My writing is important to me. Though my writing has been nonexistent lately, I am trying again. I wish to do better and just show myself doing better.

I am doing stretches and walking. I am doing my pumps and a workout with the chores. I have chores in the mornings. My helper gets here late afternoon, usually, the heaviest thing she must do is the laundry and trash.

Physically, my wounds looked worse on Monday. My head has just gone mad with thoughts about that. Thankfully, they looked much better yesterday when the nurse was here. We shall see what they look like tomorrow and Monday.

I have not forgotten about working on the grief, loss, resentments, causes, and my part where it affects me. I must work toward forgiveness to free myself. I am collaborating with my therapist, the professional I mentioned in the last entry. I must find my way out of the emotional mess.

I am praying for help to be the best version of myself to be the best friend I can be and to give of myself the best I can.

I have been on the other side of seeing nothing wrong and wondering why everything is out of order. I have done stupid things and won stupid prizes. We cannot see; until we are willing to see. It takes work, meditation, prayer, and willingness to change.

There is no answer to the why until we do the work of HOW. That is Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. We get down to causes and effects, and admission of our part. The one common denominator in everything that happens is me.

You learn by living it out. I fall apart when I am not spiritually fit. This is why I need my support system and simple reminders. Unfortunately, it takes what I consider devastating news before I call for the lifeline.

 “GOOD judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence- are the qualities needed *(taken from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous) these and one spiritual we should have, “sensible, tactful, considerate and humble.” *(Taken from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous).

Every time I find myself in a spot, I must change. When we start seeing the changes in ourselves, we get excited. However, it is grunting work in the beginning. It can be an upheaval getting to the root. But it is so worth it. There will always be bumps in the road, when I hit one, I must get through it.

The truth is, I lose control when I hit those bumps. I am determined to be better.

  1. I am thankful for the ability to learn.
  2. I am thankful for the patience of others.
  3. I am thankful for answers when I seek them.
  4. I am thankful for the chance to write and share with others.
  5. I am thankful for the ability to see and understand.
  6. I am thankful for my choices.
  7. I am thankful I can turn around anytime.
  8. I am thankful God is forgiving.
  9. I am thankful for a song that just came on to remind me of happier times.
  10. I am thankful for my courage.

(1 Corinthians 16:13 ESV)

 13 Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

It Is Okay To Not Be Okay

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Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all,

I came back to writing finally.

I am dealing with a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual subjects as usual for all of us. We all have a lot to deal with daily. I want to say, I am willing to face it all. It is just a day at a time. Right?

Sunday, I felt touched by a short video I watched. I am botching it by summarizing what it said. Yesterday needed you today, we need you, and tomorrow we will need you, please do not quit. Do not give up. So many people care about you and love you. You are loved and needed.

Just because we do not talk deeply with everyone, does not mean we are not a hope for someone else. It also does not mean the same people who are not deep with us, are not giving us hope. Sometimes things suck.

The only way to get through the hard things in life is to face them We walk through those things, feel the feelings, and work through them. Taking the necessary steps is hard. No one said it would be easy or painless.

I have been dealing with chronic physical issues. I am also facing the fact that I need to deal with grief and loss. I am dealing with emotional and spiritual issues too. All of it has emotional and spiritual aspects. It all comes down to fear and anger. Anger because I am not in charge or better yet, in control.

Face everything and recover. We should look at it this way instead.

Face

Everything

And

Recover

Do you see, facing everything and recovering reveals fear? I have learned this in the past, but I need reminders. There is also a fact of me maybe facing things before, but finding even old things come back up because of not being perfect, I only dealt with them as far as I could understand it at the time.

Just because you work on things once or a thousand times, does not mean there is not more work to do.

I recently told someone that as much as I am sarcastic with I am also sarcastic with God and they told me they argued with God! This is someone whom I consider of a handful of people, I see, as the most devout  Christian I know.

At that moment, I admitted to myself that it was freeing because I had been mad at God for not granting me my wishes. Sarcasm is a form of anger. I am not okay because: I want to say I am doing great. I have no resentments; I am at peace with everything.

I am not okay because I am angry with God that He has allowed the death of precious loved ones, and that negative things keep happening.

In the meantime, I am dealing with these issues with a professional. I am also using the twelve-step program. It will work because God is not going anywhere. I have work to do and much to prepare for.

The biggest help is that 99% of my fears will not even happen.

I have a great support system. I must use my words instead of keeping everything bottled up.

God can manage all my emotions. He is not going to fall apart because I am mad at Him. It is going to be okay.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Freezing and fleeing keep the problems hanging over my head. It becomes heavy baggage that stops me from receiving anything good because; everything is a complaint and nothing is good enough.

That said, I need to find those things for which I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for the support when I need it.
  2. I am thankful for the words to write.
  3. I am thankful for an unexpected visit.
  4. I am thankful for reminders and knowing how to take care of myself; even, in this time of waiting and seeing.
  5. I am thankful for Communion, forgiveness, and the ability to forgive.
  6. I am thankful for provisions.
  7. I am thankful for lymphedema pumps.
  8. I am thankful I can walk.
  9. I am thankful for my nurse’s supplies
  10. I am thankful I can pay my bills.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Still Working On Goals Happy May Day!

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Bich Tran on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Here we are at 1:54 am. I cannot believe I am up this late. I went to bed tired, and I was sure I would fall asleep. Instead, I am right here writing to you all. There has been a week or so lapse in entering any blog entries because it has been putting in the work on my base goals.

I am fighting tiredness and feeling sick off and on.

I am happy I have my calendars filled out and ready to go for the month. Having the calendars completed and the ability to make my lists each day helps me feel more organized and goes a long way in being initiative-taking each day. I am realizing I have work to do on the inside of myself to be more assertive in the right way in situations.

There are emotions I am fighting that have led to depression that I must overcome.

I tell myself that it all will be better tomorrow. It may take more than tomorrow to feel better. Even during the times, I say I give up; I have not given up. I still get back up.

It sucks at times because a group may be going through our life lessons at the same time. For me, it is always hopeful I have not burned new bridges that have taken years to build. I also hope I am not disappearing from older friendships.

The calendars and lists: they tell me where I am so I can figure out where I am going. I want to excel at a faster rate than what it is taking and that is where the emotions and doubt come in. It is where I fight myself because I want to be better.

Inside my head, I scream you must do better! I am impatient with myself.

I keep holding on to a friend’s words he said to me about eight or nine years ago. “It will not always be this way.” I am angry at the slowness in myself. It seems and looks like others can just change overnight. The truth is I know it took them longer as well.

It all goes back to cautioning myself to not compare ourselves with one another.

We never know where another person is at their starting point of change. We do not know the work everyone else had to do to get where they are. We do not know what sacrifices each of us has made to do better or to get better.

To make a real change in this life gets to the core of our being. We run the gamut of emotions from screaming, crying, laughing, and silence. We must keep hanging on for one more day. I will get through these twenty-four hours just as I have all the past days.

  1. I am thankful to have courage.
  2. I am thankful for my portion.
  3. I am thankful for smiles.
  4. I am thankful for hope.
  5. I am thankful that change does happen.
  6. I am thankful for life lessons.
  7. I am thankful for others helping me figure out what I cannot figure out alone.

Acts 17:28 ESV

28 for “‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said, “‘For we are indeed his offspring.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!