writing

I am Powerless But I Can Change Me

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Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to Boxcarmike! I hope you enjoy following me in my journey. I have missed a day or two of writing so I may end up making up a day or two of my writing because I have limitations. That’s just the way I am going to roll with this.

I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. The only thing I can change is me.

Its when you realize its beyond addiction or any other sickness, it’s a soul sickness! You have become hardened, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get tired enough you become willing to change as only the dying can be willing enough to change. You beg for any direction to change.

When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. This is so true in my case. The how of it is honest, open minded, and willing. Lets try that again.

Honest

Open minded

Willing

See its all right there in how it works. I am powerless over the past, but I can start my day over anytime I want. Moving forward starts with the first step. For me the first step does still involve my attitude towards alcohol and reminiscing in thoughts of the romance, I once had with it.

You see I became sick and, in my isolation, and getting more tired and sick today. I realize I still grieve for it too. You don’t even realize you’re drowning at the time and so close to going back.

Its time to be honest, open minded, and willing. I haven’t had to do drink or do anything, but I am here to tell you the relapse starts in the mind. I am also here to tell you; the relapse doesn’t have to happen.

But the question always remains am I now willing to listen. Again, I believe it has to be only as willing as the dying can be to change their ways to recover.

The disease of alcoholism can be fatal if not treated. It’s a progressive disease. The disease if you allow it, it will isolate you. I am blessed! I was thrown a rope to tie a knot and hang on to.

Here’s the deal. No one can drag you the whole way. You can be brought to safety.  This is where hope begins. A whole new world can be opened up if, I am only honest, open-minded and willing.

I had to write a letter to my dad accepting his death. Not because I was just told to, but because I needed to do it for me and finally acknowledging his death.

I bring this up because I now see how it’s important, I finally tell alcohol it’s no longer a choice of reminiscing because that romance is only a dance right back to the disease and it will kill me if I allow it. I will kill me If I allow it.

There’s been lots of grieving in my life and it started at a young age of twelve years old and wishing for the guts and a gun to end it all. That’s the real truth of it all. I am an alcoholic and addict. The problem is me and its time to take the trash to the curb once and for all.

I am done grieving just for today!

3 things I am grateful for 21 day challenge:

  1. Friends who tell me the truth
  2. Tears that release years of pain
  3. For the how in the steps I am now ready to take to heal

Thank you for reading another blog post entry of BoxcarMike Over and out! God Bless you Everybody!

 

 

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

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prayer candle

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!”  I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

  1. I am grateful for a meeting
  2. I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
  3. I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

 

Grieving Letting Go and Gratitude

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Hi Everyone,

My schedule keeps getting goofed up by lack of sleep and being up when I should be asleep. Its been difficult for me to keep up with my blog. I am trying to take steps to be positive and change. One of the hardest things for me is to make changes stick.

I am still determined to do better. I just have to realize I can’t jump up and do everything on the turn of a dime. It takes being patient with myself and others and those things in my life that seem so difficult to tackle. Change is a process. What I have been doing wrong is giving up before I even get started.

I feel some gratitude after talks and reading and writing a letter. I have been severely depressed for some time. I haven’t wanted to admit it but I feel some better even with the depression. I can’t say it’s all gone.

However, a ton of weight came off of me after talking, attending a meeting, and writing a letter. In the past I have always said well, I am better now. I am better, but I have a long way to go.

The things that come into play for me is the past and feeling guilt. Feeling remorse over things I don’t have control over. There are plenty of things I never chose or had control over to begin with. Some other things are learning to let go.

Even in grieving. It’s been fourteen years since my dad died. Many days have been grieving almost as much as I did when he first died. With the suggestion and help from a friend, I finally had to write a letter telling him I was letting go and that I accepted he died.

It was a long time even maybe a year later after he died my mom told me, I could say he died. Because that’s what he did! He died.

I know if you know me you think I just beat this gratitude into the ground. The fact is I am grateful today. I am grateful I can let go and push forward. I am never going to forget my dad, nor will I probably not smile or cry when I think about him.

I don’t have to grieve everyday like he just died today. I have decided I am going to get a plant though and put his picture up he deserves to be in my apartment. I deserve to be able to recognize him on a daily basis. He loved me. My mom and him saved me in ways I can never explain.

Yes, I deserve to be happy today. Yes, I can celebrate him and not have to be sad all the time. The other thing I am done with is trying to earn peoples love, man! Not one thing I can do to earn anyone’s love! I can’t go chasing knocking people down for not being better at some points. Its not my job to run people down or even make them like me.

I love me enough to let go today. I may not be perfect at it and it’s a process like anything else. But I am going for the prize of freedom. Won’t you run with me? Let’s find 3 things for 21 days to be grateful for. Let’s rewire our brains together on this journey.

I will end with 3 things I am grateful for today:

  1. I am grateful for freedom
  2. I am grateful for a new outlook
  3. I am grateful for book given to me I really wanted and need both

Thanks for reading and love ya all!

BoxcarMike here, over and out!

 

Anger and What I Cannot Deal With

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prayer candle

I would like to really pretend I have it all together. That’s not me to be able to do that.

I am just jumping in this post because I have had a hard time managing time, emotions, and sleep. My aim is to be up at 4:45 am every morning and it is very difficult to do, when you have been a night owl.

I will be the first to tell you I don’t like changes at all. To be honest the night owl life was ceasing to serve me in a positive way. I just enjoy it is all. The change needed to happen because, I really became tired from having to wait until afternoon to get everything done.

It was also stealing precious time and I was not functioning well with it. The emotions I have are mounting up much like my incoming mail and dreading to go to the mailbox, or even asking someone to get my mail for me.

I have to deal with professionals five days a week out of seven. You add in my personality which at times can be lighthearted, stupid jokes, and a lot of sarcasm which only carries you so far. Everyone has their personality as well. I also like to think I can mind read a lot as well. Who knew I would fail at that?

But I still like to think I am right most of the time. Oh, the many conversations in my head. The most amazing part is, most don’t even know what they have said to me in my head.

My spirituality has been slipping away and stuff is mounting up to where it’s even affecting my health. I was so angry last week my blood pressure rose to the point of needing be told to go to the emergency room, in which case I did not.

I am definitely not a good patient a and I never have been. I might have a little trouble with being compliant but of course I told my therapist I am compliant with him. I know I want to be, but I am not sure it is true.

I have been dropping more than a few f-bombs and “normal me” is not like that all the time. I feel so good when I go to a meeting though until I have to talk about the real. The sad fact is the solution seems to be surrender and letting go. This all seems to be ringing of admitting that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

My life in a sense, has become unmanageable once more. I can’t afford to be angry because of what all it affects. Once more its not just me that it affects, as I like to think sometimes. It affects those around me or even those associating with me.

Some have walked away. I can’t control what others do and I won’t beg anyone to stay. All I can do is strive for better. Do my best to get more rest and letting go of the stuff that bothers me before it gets to the boiling point. I am still trying to figure out where that point starts and stops.

I cannot be perfect for myself therefore, I sure won’t be so damned perfect for others either. That’s not my job. My job is to get through each twenty-four hours I have upon this earth and give freely of what I find to others.

It is, what it is!

Thanks for reading!

 

My Personal Indepence Day Includes Loving Myself

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Ian Espinosa Sparklers

Photo By Ian Espinosa @unsplash.com

Hi Everyone! BoxcarMike here with todays topic along the lines of personal independence from certain medical appendages. I also want to state that just for today I am willing to love myself. It has taken over decade to get to this point where I can say I love me, to myself.

I have had a few health issues and the past two months have had a PICC Line in my arm to receive I-V Antibiotics. I am very grateful it was removed today. I feel freedom without it now.

The one thing that is relevant is that I felt so drained after it was removed because of the added stress I have had in being fearful it would mess up. Towards the end of this journey with the PICC Line I was losing patience with the staff at the infusion center. The nurses though were very good.

I had nurses from another agency come in with the help of my Nurse Practitioner. I was also becoming less patient with acquaintances. When I feel drained, I have less tolerance for people, and it will come out if I don’t remove myself from the situation.

I am exhausted, I have to rely upon self-care at this point, and taking it easy.

Today is the anniversary of celebrating my Dad’s Life 14 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday, most of the time. My brother, Sister, Mom and others made me smile big smiles today. I honestly felt like my brother was with me even though we just shared some news back and forth. He lives in a whole other country, so it was special.

I still grieve a lot for my dad. I also go through moments of being angry about it, but I recognize that today. Oh, and my brother and sister (his wife- I refuse to call her sister-in-law because she’s like a sister.) They raised a fine son and I can’t be prouder of them for doing so.

My mom is a beautiful loving lady with a great heart for people. There’s so much I still want to fix, like seeing her more but I can’t control that right now. Her husband is just as loving. I miss my mom greatly. I have to be well enough to go see her also.

All in all, I am a work in progress. My independence is just starting. I am hoping I grow more independent and finally heal from everything.

My Grandma says something like, the sun will still rise tomorrow. She has great wisdom and is also very loving and caring. I miss time with her as well. Back to the sun still rising tomorrow, simply means life will go on regardless of my decisions or happiness. It’s up to me to be accepting of each choice I make.

The other thing my Grandma has said when I have been angry is, that I will get glad in the same pants I got mad in. If I just learn to listen and remember there is always great wisdom to live by.

Thanks for reading!

 

Happy Independence Day United States of America!

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andre Benz Amer Flag

Photo by Andre Benz @ unsplash.com

Hello Everyone and Happy Independence Day!

This is my Country’s Day of freedom. There have been many brave men and women who have fought and gave what they had for the freedoms here. Many have laid down their lives and died for our freedom.

That in itself deserves the gratitude from all of us, who are benefitting from what they gave. For what we do have, someone else has paid the price. May we never forget that!

Today I am just trying to concentrate on the fact we have freedom.

In my recovery and spiritual well-being freedom of choice is there as well. The freedom from bondage of self that often has the by-product of addiction and illness. We have the freedom to choose to be well today.

The choices we make affects us and those around us. I want to make the healthy choices for myself today. That doesn’t mean I choose what others may want for me. I have to decide for myself what is healthy today.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. We don’t have to stay stuck. It becomes a choice to be free or not. We don’t have to stay sick today.

It comes down to changing our behavior and unlearning the negative ways we have nurtured inside ourselves. This where real freedom is born. It’s not always easy and sometimes we have a real fight on our hands to give up that which we have learned.

Some things have been instilled in us all our life. We have taken lies for truth. This is where we really need to be connected so that hopefully the truth can prevail and break down the walls which we have carefully built brick by brick.

I think about a phrase I often hear and read a lot.  The following taken from page 164 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book “God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order.

But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.”

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then.”

While I have quoted this, I am not saying I have achieved it all. I am working towards it. I do want the freedom and happiness. I want to rightly relate myself to God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him. I choose freedom today!

Thanks for reading!

 

My Writing Helps Me Connect And Belong

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prayer candle

Hey Everyone, it’s BoxcarMike here again!

Writing really is my passion and its been hard to stay connected without writing regularly. Its part of my processing, especially when things don’t make sense.

I get to a point where I have to ride my emotions out, but I can’t let them control my whole life. I have been writing off and on since, 12-14 years old. It’s been important more so since I have been clean and sober. I just forget to make myself a priority as well as my writing.

Keeping thoughts written down was always important. I think even in writing though, its been learning what is true and what is not.

Since starting this blog, I have tried to share who I am and what I believe. I also share about the tools in recovery as prayer and meditation. The need to get out of my own head is very important. We cannot live inside ourselves, otherwise its just one more prison we set up for ourselves. I need the message of hope and I need to pass it on to others. The only way to achieve that is by taking the courage to change myself.

Writing has helped me feel close to God and a way to say things I can’t make in an audible sound. Writing gives me the chance to share as well. I know some can’t believe some of the things that are so embarrassing to share of one’s self. But I think its important to use discretion and in sharing them they lose their powerful hold over me.

Often as people we want to throw out truths about others and shame them in some way. This is true especially if they have hurt us or we have perceived their actions as hurtful. I think my style in this shows I am not afraid to own up to some of the mistakes I have made. Besides, no one can hurt me as good as I can hurt myself. But today its more about me giving those things to God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him.

Sometimes it is really hard trying to make the breakthroughs. But It can be so worth it in the end. Its when we finally cease fighting other people, places, and things. This doesn’t mean we won’t have things crop up. They certainly will crop up, but we can handle them better each time. Sometimes, we don’t handle them well. It doesn’t mean we have failed. We just get another try.

My writing lets me know myself in ways I will never be able to explain as there is always something deep going on. It’s how I have the desire to want to change today and not remain stagnant. I am not willing to give up on me. I have a lot that I am responsible for in taking care of myself just for today.

Writing is good for my soul and it cleanses me so that I can grow. Just for today, I wanted to share this with you.

Thanks for reading!

A Hand To Hold On The Journey

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phil coffman

Photo By Phil Coffman @ Unsplash.com

Hi Everyone, Todays entry is all about passing on what’s been given to us.

When I talk about what’s been given to us, I mean recovery. I stumbled up on someone really struggling. I found myself saying a lot of what’s been said to me. I shared my experience, strength, and hope. I may not be the best example, but I have stayed clean and sober continuously. I know today, I can’t let anyone walk away thinking there is no hope.

I know what it’s like to have no hope. It’s a very dark and scary place to be. I really do like to be friendly even though I know I am not always the happy-go-lucky guy. Heck, I even smile at some people today! But I sure ain’t no Mary Poppins either! I ain’t gonna promise you no rainbows. None of us can do this thing alone.

Probably the one thing that I have loved is listening to Author Anne Lamott. She shared 12 Keys to live by, is that we are all just walking each other home. I don’t have to agree with anyone on everything to like them. Its all about willingness to move forward. We don’t have to stay stuck today.

Anyone that knows me, knows I am in recovery. I was talking with a friend Sunday. Part of moving forward is dealing with the uncomfortable stuff. Its all about facing fears and making amends to the best of our ability. I have plenty of wreckage of my own to still work on. That doesn’t mean I can’t help someone else along the way. None of us are going to get out of here alive. The best we can do is freely give what we have been given.

I know for me to stay stuck and struggling, means to die. I can’t afford to stay stuck today. I have to say I was almost shocked when I heard myself say, it does get better. It’s one moment at a time sometimes. It’s staying on the phone when you don’t want to. Its gathering around the tables when you could have been perfectly fine going back to bed. It’s doing what you can to live a spiritual life. When you realize, it’s not just about you.

The life I now live, is more than just about not picking up the first drink or drug. I do have ups and downs. When its good, its really good. When it’s bad, its really bad. The difference is I can ask for some direction today. I think there could be parts of me that will always be unmanageable. I think that’s by design, to keep me humble and realize I don’t have all the answers.

The simplicity for how it works is the honesty, open-mindedness, and the willingness. What I am a part of is a simple program for complicated people. I am good at complicating things. The truth is I don’t have to be that way today.

Thanks for reading!

Ain’t Ya Tired Yet? Trains and Other Things

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george cernytrain

Photo by George Cerny@unsplash.com

All Aboard! The train whistle blows! BoxcarMike Here!

It feels so good to be home! I’ve missed me for a while now. I am okay. I am being given the chance to change on a daily basis.

It’s a great thing this train is conditioned, at 100° heat index outside.  Enjoying my afternoon coffee in the cool air.  I am filled with gratitude as I look back over the past 2 months and June the craziest month of all. I am enjoying my cigarettes too because I am still addicted to them. That’s okay today. They are my form of coping with life, but I also pray and meditate, just not always as I should.

I have learned a lot from gathering around the tables the past couple of years just how much chaos we create for ourselves, in this thing we call life. We gotta play the hand we are dealt; here’s one of my dad’s sayings, work smarter not harder!

I learned from saying one prayer God has not dropped me. I have lived in such doubt, right up to the moment my prayer was answered. I haven’t had to take a drink or a drug, through the insanity I caused somehow. But I did lose me in the mix before maybe even up until today and I ranted about the anniversaries this week brings up for me, I realized I was free and honest. This was with my brothers, sisters, and my mama bear as I call her to myself, and a few others around the table today.

When my prayer was answered and yes, a lot of begging God because unless this prayer was answered, I would probably lose my apartment. I knew I deserved no help. I had so much pride I couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on. I don’t have to share that here either. Its just a fact, things were not okay.

July 4th is The USA’s Independence Day. Well I am hoping to have my own Independence Day as well, from this picc-line.

July 5th represents the day we celebrated my Dad’s life 14 years ago. That same day in 1979 was my independence from a foster home where some traumatic things happened, before I ever met my Mom and Dad. Can I let go of any of it? Some days I can, and some days like today, I get reminders to keep on forgiving.

As usual I weep and feel the raw emotions during my writing. But I’ve missed me so much because in all earnestness I love the sober me. I feel deeply in all things, when I allow myself that freedom.

It was last weekend when it dawned on me so many anniversaries were coming up. I couldn’t figure out why I was so crazy, besides everything at home going on. This weekend when my prayer was answered I heard my friend say this, Ain’t ya tired yet? As I shared this after the gathering with someone else, they said yeah, its time to take action. Am I gonna have to go though some time, of being uncomfortable? Probably. Anything is better than what was/is.

I am sure this writing leaves more questions than answers. Really what it comes down to is, it’s between me and God. Just as your life is between you and that power greater than yourself.

Some days are the hardest in learning the art of letting go. Other days, it’s hardest to know what to hold on to.

I am grateful to my friend and Sister in Christ Nancy for this reminder:

Image may contain: text

My Mom and Dad gave me their love and forgiveness, before my Dad died. I gave them my forgiveness and love as well. It is all a process and it is a long journey. It ain’t over until it’s over.

There’s always more people to forgive and the art of accepting forgiveness yourself.

Thanks for reading!

The Courage To Change The Things I Can

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loganstephens train

Photo by Logan Stephens @unsplash.com

Hi Everyone,

Today I am going to discuss how the serenity prayer is important for me today.

One of the things that’s most important to me as a writer and person is to always be honest with where I am. Sometimes that can be challenging but I usually feel better with honesty. It goes a lot better than trying to pretend I got everything under control.

Let me just say for the most part my relationship and lack of one at times with God has been complicated. It’s not always so cut and dry. If it makes you uncomfortable, oh well! I won’t pretend that crap is over. I trust and then I take it back. It’s always been a two-step dance almost. It makes for a complicated relationship.

(On a side note, I think that if we were all so trusting and faithful in God we wouldn’t even be here. However, as I said before in other places, I am not here to out anyone or to tell anyone else’s story besides my own).

I know I want different and I have used prayer and meditation because they are important for me. I am not as consistent as I need to be in order to achieve healthy living. I do believe both faith and healing are something we learn, rather than something we just possess.

When I go to write an article here it seems I get a refresher course in how well I am not doing. Some days I still get mad because I cannot afford to drink at some situation or person that has gotten under my skin. I am not a well person. I am just less sick than I used to be.

I have to be willing to change and some days that includes picking up the 700-pound phone to text or call someone or make it to an extra gathering around the tables when offered. Sometimes it means listening to others and their dilemmas. There are things I can do to change my mind-set it’s just when I get there, it is hard to get myself out of that pit.

This is where the crazy train comes back to ask if I want a free ride. Let me just say that ride, is anything but free.

Let’s look at The Serenity Prayer (Short-Version):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

What I have found is I can’t change other people, places, or things. I can change me. Even if I am not willing, I can pray and ask for the willingness to change.

What are the things I can do to change me?

  • Do an inventory: of who or what, the cause, how it affects me.
  • Talk to others phone text listen to someone else and their problems also
  • Pray for others even or how to be of service
  • Meditate
  • Forgive others and yourself
  • Start day over ask God for the ability to get out of the resentment and self -pity
  • Go do something good for someone and try not to get caught doing it or found out that you did good
  • Writing
  • Reading
  • Is there an amends I could be doing that I am avoiding, or have I confronted all my wrongs?
  • Don’t forget to laugh at myself because some of the situations I have gotten myself into, are so unbelievable. Having that other friend who makes sarcastic remarks reminds me of how silly some of the stuff is that I take so seriously.
  • Don’t be an ass

Everything I have listed here is really having the courage to change. I don’t always do these and sometimes it takes me a while to be willing to even ask for the willingness to be willing. That’s the real truth. It’s a day at a time for real and sometimes moment by moment.

Thanks for reading!