Anger and What I Cannot Deal With

prayer candle

I would like to really pretend I have it all together. That’s not me to be able to do that.

I am just jumping in this post because I have had a hard time managing time, emotions, and sleep. My aim is to be up at 4:45 am every morning and it is very difficult to do, when you have been a night owl.

I will be the first to tell you I don’t like changes at all. To be honest the night owl life was ceasing to serve me in a positive way. I just enjoy it is all. The change needed to happen because, I really became tired from having to wait until afternoon to get everything done.

It was also stealing precious time and I was not functioning well with it. The emotions I have are mounting up much like my incoming mail and dreading to go to the mailbox, or even asking someone to get my mail for me.

I have to deal with professionals five days a week out of seven. You add in my personality which at times can be lighthearted, stupid jokes, and a lot of sarcasm which only carries you so far. Everyone has their personality as well. I also like to think I can mind read a lot as well. Who knew I would fail at that?

But I still like to think I am right most of the time. Oh, the many conversations in my head. The most amazing part is, most don’t even know what they have said to me in my head.

My spirituality has been slipping away and stuff is mounting up to where it’s even affecting my health. I was so angry last week my blood pressure rose to the point of needing be told to go to the emergency room, in which case I did not.

I am definitely not a good patient a and I never have been. I might have a little trouble with being compliant but of course I told my therapist I am compliant with him. I know I want to be, but I am not sure it is true.

I have been dropping more than a few f-bombs and “normal me” is not like that all the time. I feel so good when I go to a meeting though until I have to talk about the real. The sad fact is the solution seems to be surrender and letting go. This all seems to be ringing of admitting that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

My life in a sense, has become unmanageable once more. I can’t afford to be angry because of what all it affects. Once more its not just me that it affects, as I like to think sometimes. It affects those around me or even those associating with me.

Some have walked away. I can’t control what others do and I won’t beg anyone to stay. All I can do is strive for better. Do my best to get more rest and letting go of the stuff that bothers me before it gets to the boiling point. I am still trying to figure out where that point starts and stops.

I cannot be perfect for myself therefore, I sure won’t be so damned perfect for others either. That’s not my job. My job is to get through each twenty-four hours I have upon this earth and give freely of what I find to others.

It is, what it is!

Thanks for reading!

 

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