Change

Alcoholism Two-fold A Physical Craving and A Mental Obsession

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Photography: WordPress Wallpaper

I haven’t stopped reading. I have not posted in a bit though. I apologize for that.

Chapter four of the book, “A Program for You” has been hard for me to put into my own words. I think its is extremely important to always go back to the source. The truth is a lot of stuff is repetitive. It is important to repeat because so much gets said that another person said.

This is why going back to the source is necessary, at least for me. I don’t feel I can fully comprehend things without having that source.

I think for me for years I saw the disease of alcoholism as an allergy and that would be my excuse once more for saying things are not my fault. This is only a half truth. I am responsible for my own actions. Once I am armed with the truth of the disease, I am even more so, responsible.

The disease described as an allergy is twofold. The first part is the physical craving brought on by the first drink. The second part of it being an obsession. This can be arrested by following a simple program.

As I read this with understanding now, it is clicking in how it works. I have to keep going back to the doctor’s words. I have never been able to just trust that someone said something, that someone else said. I think the bottom line to this has always been, since I don’t trust myself, I sure can’t trust others either. Not on their words alone.

You’ll hear it said over and over, it is one of the diseases that will tell you, you don’t have the disease.

Let me just state, I have deep distrust and dislike for doctors in general. I will also say some are miracle workers that go above and beyond their calling. That said, there is something to this Dr William D. Silkworth.

As we read later on in Bill’s Story, it all began with Ebbie T. from the Oxford Groups, a friend of Bill’s. He was hopeless and would be committed to an asylum for the rest of his life if not, for the doctor. Because of his story and getting to share that with Bill. The proof that came from doctor’s opinion resulted in over 100 people recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.

Alcoholics are those that have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Its not that I have this abnormal reaction that makes me a victim, sinful, bad, weak, or wrong. It just is.

I have shared with a couple people and gathered with several people this week.

For most of my childhood I lived in the country. I suppose that’s in fact drawn me to the country and that way of life. Most of my drinking was done in the country, after coming of age and few years before. I have always loved country songs and been to many dances etc.

There’s one country song that came out since I have been sober. It makes me think back to when I drank. It talks about the genie in the bottle and how she lies to you. I bought a bunch of lies and have told several myself. Today I want the truth and need to really be recovered.

I am powerless over alcohol my life is unmanageable. But again, alcohol is but a symptom too. More on that later.

Day 8 3 things grateful for  21 days to rewiring my brain to be happy

  1. I am grateful for the Doctor’s Opinion
  2. I am grateful for fellowship
  3. I am grateful to write.

I will probably start the 21-day challenge over next month in hopes to stay on tract. However, in order to write. I am still going to post 3 things I am grateful for. I find it motivating.

Thanks for reading another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

 

A Recipe Study Thinking I Was Ready

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Welcome Back! This is a Day 7 Blogpost entry. I am far behind.

I thought I was ready to start in on The Big Book. I got drawn back to read another chapter in the book “A Program for You.”  I really thought Id even get done reading the big book and be ready to do chapter by chapter and step by step this week.

I even shared that fact with my therapist. His recommendation was to take it slow and not rush things.

Now that I have read this third chapter, I am seeing why its important not to rush things. The important things brought out in this third chapter are finding out and understanding our problem, to begin with.

The first step shows us our problem is being powerless, and we need power to overcome our powerlessness. Third thing we have to find is that power which is what was recalled by Bill W. Dr Bob and Bill D.

The three basic questions are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What is the solution?
  3. What is the program of action necessary for me to find and to use or implement that solution?

This is where we can finally see The Big Book as a text and study guide or recipe. I am glad that I can see where I was rushing and yet also, I can see where I have now procrastinated and used tiredness as an excuse to fall behind.

I do believe in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous and I do believe in a power greater than myself; Whom I choose to call God as I understand Him and Don’t Understand Him. I don’t expect everyone or maybe anyone, to believe the way I believe.

No matter what we believe I do know that there are no two people on this earth who believe exactly the same.

What I do believe is that the first one hundred people, recovered and they used a simple text or recipe if you will, that is a program of action. I am certainly not saying I wouldn’t love to rush through this. However, if taking my time gets the best results and following these simple directions help me do that, then I want all I can get from it.

I have to keep pressing ahead and do the best I can. I cannot afford for my recovery and well-being to take any days off of blogging.

The blogging happens because I read and learn. I take time to pray and meditate in the middle of it. That’s where the excitement for growth happens but sometimes it is so hard to want to pry the book open to learn. I also have to do better with communication with my closed mouth friend.

I have literally gone to sleep early and taken naps, blowing off our time. I really do care and want more for myself I just have to prove it through action.

I have come to understand a couple of things in recovery time is a great reminder and good to have for milestones to capture those moments in. Quality is what I want to today. Some days I just have to want it more than I want it sometimes. Especially when I let days go by.

21 day Challenge of 3 things to be grateful about for rewiring my brain to happiness:

  1. The opportunity to admit when I am wrong.
  2. The chance to write and share my experience with others.
  3. I am never alone even if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

I Cant Get it Through Osmosis

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Good Morning Everyone,

Welcome to another thought on my journey. I wanted to get back to the book I am now reading “A Program for You.”  In my last post about this book we learned that the first 100 People of AA wrote The Big Book.

The main starting of the Fellowship began out from the Oxford Groups with Ebbie T. Bill W and Dr Bob were the co-founders of AA and much help from Dr William D Silkworth. Bill D. was AA number three. It would take two years to write the book and have it published in 1939.

Chapter three of “A Program for You”, is learning to use The Big Book correctly. I am so grateful for this chapter. It really brought a lot to light. Here’s the real deal of this book. The authors state that if you never read any part of The Big Book to put down this book and begin immediately.

That tells me a lot about the authors having integrity and their belief in using The Big Book. They are out to help jump start people into reading it and following the program of action.

They explain through out this chapter to which I can attest to over at least hanging out in AA how over the years the true message has been watered down. The fellowship of AA came out of the Program of AA not the other way around, as said exactly in this book. I know That I have just wanted to take what I want and leave the rest.

I realize this may sound like I am preaching AA. For me this is the message I needed to hear. You all are only getting to hear what I need. After reading this chapter, I now even realize how important it is for me to read the first 164 pages of The Big Book.

While we cannot do this thing alone it has been told proven to me time and again, no one can do the work for you. You cannot get this through osmosis. This is what I know for me. After all I am just writing this for me and if it helps someone else, then great.

They say the proof is in the pudding. Well I want to take these steps now, and really have a program working in me.

I can write and read all I want. Without change it is fruitless. This I know. I am not willing to let myself water down the experience or the actions in taking these steps. The thing is, I really want more spiritual experiences and to be able to trust and let go.

I also hope to share my journey with anyone else who has this in common. I am so blessed by any who have and are apart of my life. It’s time for me to read and take some direction so that change is a reality and not just a dream.

Day 6 3 things I am grateful for 21 days of rewiring my brain to be happy:

  1. Grateful to the Program of AA
  2. Grateful to God for waking me up for another day
  3. Grateful for the chance to change

Thanks for reading! This has been another blog post entry of BoxcarMike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

Checking Your Foundation and Getting Real

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Hello Again, Everyone!

As I have stated in another post; I believe I did anyway. I am going through the 12 steps again and in preparation I am actually trying to do what is necessary.

It’s no secret I am an alcoholic and addict. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.

I think it’s important to take every suggestion that one has the ability to do. If you can’t I truly believe surrounding yourself with good, quality sobriety is the best way to make it possible. We cannot do this thing alone.

I also believe it all has to be done by design of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am sure many may balk at this. I admit I am using Hazelden’s workbooks, but they are the ones guided by The Big Book and the Book written by two anonymous authors, “A Program for You.”

Today I just read the first chapter and it is jam packed full of facts of exactly how AA began and how the Big Book even came into print, by the first 100 people. Thank goodness for The Oxford Groups and Ebby T bringing the message of hope to Cofounder of AA Bill W.

In this first chapter we learn we learn that the disease is two-fold physical and mental illness. It is a disease that will tell us we don’t have a disease. Yet, we end up in the same situations because nothing changes.

This describes nothing less than insanity when we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. There are so many things this applies to, or so I believe.

We cannot recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind without a spiritual experience. Many experiences though I believe are more of the educational variety as opposed to the lightening bolts and flashes of light. In alcoholism it is the drink that takes the next drink because we get the craving for it and wanting that first euphoria.

While I am almost 15 years clean and sober, I feel that I have a had a break in my spiritual foundation caused by myself. I believe the only way top fix the said foundation is to go back to the beginning of recovery.

It starts even before the admission of defeat this round. Thank goodness, I didn’t need to go back out and drink or use more!

There is no shame in going back and fixing the foundation of your whole system. What would be shameful and sad, even heart breaking for many of my friends, loved ones and myself is to go back out and throw everything away.

I would die never knowing I could be happy, joyous, and free. Today, I know I want to fix the foundation.

It all starts with being honest with yourself, God, and others. Or if you prefer a power greater than yourself. Early on they told me when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. The big motivator is pain.

Pain will drive you to your knees and make you start praying in ways, you haven’t ever thought about maybe ever, or in many years.

One of the things that really made me think was when I was sharing about my anger someone shared with me and others how they watched a person go backward before they died.

The rawness of this disease is you don’t have to take another drink to die from it. I don’t want that to be my legacy. Its time to let of the pain, anger, and even shame.

Day 4 of 3 things to be grateful for in 21 days

  1. My Friend Kassi
  2. Learning Solutions
  3. I am not alone today

This is me getting real! Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike over and out God Bless Everybody!

 

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

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prayer candle

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!”  I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

  1. I am grateful for a meeting
  2. I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
  3. I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

 

My Writing Helps Me Connect And Belong

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Hey Everyone, it’s BoxcarMike here again!

Writing really is my passion and its been hard to stay connected without writing regularly. Its part of my processing, especially when things don’t make sense.

I get to a point where I have to ride my emotions out, but I can’t let them control my whole life. I have been writing off and on since, 12-14 years old. It’s been important more so since I have been clean and sober. I just forget to make myself a priority as well as my writing.

Keeping thoughts written down was always important. I think even in writing though, its been learning what is true and what is not.

Since starting this blog, I have tried to share who I am and what I believe. I also share about the tools in recovery as prayer and meditation. The need to get out of my own head is very important. We cannot live inside ourselves, otherwise its just one more prison we set up for ourselves. I need the message of hope and I need to pass it on to others. The only way to achieve that is by taking the courage to change myself.

Writing has helped me feel close to God and a way to say things I can’t make in an audible sound. Writing gives me the chance to share as well. I know some can’t believe some of the things that are so embarrassing to share of one’s self. But I think its important to use discretion and in sharing them they lose their powerful hold over me.

Often as people we want to throw out truths about others and shame them in some way. This is true especially if they have hurt us or we have perceived their actions as hurtful. I think my style in this shows I am not afraid to own up to some of the mistakes I have made. Besides, no one can hurt me as good as I can hurt myself. But today its more about me giving those things to God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him.

Sometimes it is really hard trying to make the breakthroughs. But It can be so worth it in the end. Its when we finally cease fighting other people, places, and things. This doesn’t mean we won’t have things crop up. They certainly will crop up, but we can handle them better each time. Sometimes, we don’t handle them well. It doesn’t mean we have failed. We just get another try.

My writing lets me know myself in ways I will never be able to explain as there is always something deep going on. It’s how I have the desire to want to change today and not remain stagnant. I am not willing to give up on me. I have a lot that I am responsible for in taking care of myself just for today.

Writing is good for my soul and it cleanses me so that I can grow. Just for today, I wanted to share this with you.

Thanks for reading!

Ain’t Ya Tired Yet? Trains and Other Things

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george cernytrain

Photo by George Cerny@unsplash.com

All Aboard! The train whistle blows! BoxcarMike Here!

It feels so good to be home! I’ve missed me for a while now. I am okay. I am being given the chance to change on a daily basis.

It’s a great thing this train is conditioned, at 100° heat index outside.  Enjoying my afternoon coffee in the cool air.  I am filled with gratitude as I look back over the past 2 months and June the craziest month of all. I am enjoying my cigarettes too because I am still addicted to them. That’s okay today. They are my form of coping with life, but I also pray and meditate, just not always as I should.

I have learned a lot from gathering around the tables the past couple of years just how much chaos we create for ourselves, in this thing we call life. We gotta play the hand we are dealt; here’s one of my dad’s sayings, work smarter not harder!

I learned from saying one prayer God has not dropped me. I have lived in such doubt, right up to the moment my prayer was answered. I haven’t had to take a drink or a drug, through the insanity I caused somehow. But I did lose me in the mix before maybe even up until today and I ranted about the anniversaries this week brings up for me, I realized I was free and honest. This was with my brothers, sisters, and my mama bear as I call her to myself, and a few others around the table today.

When my prayer was answered and yes, a lot of begging God because unless this prayer was answered, I would probably lose my apartment. I knew I deserved no help. I had so much pride I couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on. I don’t have to share that here either. Its just a fact, things were not okay.

July 4th is The USA’s Independence Day. Well I am hoping to have my own Independence Day as well, from this picc-line.

July 5th represents the day we celebrated my Dad’s life 14 years ago. That same day in 1979 was my independence from a foster home where some traumatic things happened, before I ever met my Mom and Dad. Can I let go of any of it? Some days I can, and some days like today, I get reminders to keep on forgiving.

As usual I weep and feel the raw emotions during my writing. But I’ve missed me so much because in all earnestness I love the sober me. I feel deeply in all things, when I allow myself that freedom.

It was last weekend when it dawned on me so many anniversaries were coming up. I couldn’t figure out why I was so crazy, besides everything at home going on. This weekend when my prayer was answered I heard my friend say this, Ain’t ya tired yet? As I shared this after the gathering with someone else, they said yeah, its time to take action. Am I gonna have to go though some time, of being uncomfortable? Probably. Anything is better than what was/is.

I am sure this writing leaves more questions than answers. Really what it comes down to is, it’s between me and God. Just as your life is between you and that power greater than yourself.

Some days are the hardest in learning the art of letting go. Other days, it’s hardest to know what to hold on to.

I am grateful to my friend and Sister in Christ Nancy for this reminder:

Image may contain: text

My Mom and Dad gave me their love and forgiveness, before my Dad died. I gave them my forgiveness and love as well. It is all a process and it is a long journey. It ain’t over until it’s over.

There’s always more people to forgive and the art of accepting forgiveness yourself.

Thanks for reading!

The Courage To Change The Things I Can

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Photo by Logan Stephens @unsplash.com

Hi Everyone,

Today I am going to discuss how the serenity prayer is important for me today.

One of the things that’s most important to me as a writer and person is to always be honest with where I am. Sometimes that can be challenging but I usually feel better with honesty. It goes a lot better than trying to pretend I got everything under control.

Let me just say for the most part my relationship and lack of one at times with God has been complicated. It’s not always so cut and dry. If it makes you uncomfortable, oh well! I won’t pretend that crap is over. I trust and then I take it back. It’s always been a two-step dance almost. It makes for a complicated relationship.

(On a side note, I think that if we were all so trusting and faithful in God we wouldn’t even be here. However, as I said before in other places, I am not here to out anyone or to tell anyone else’s story besides my own).

I know I want different and I have used prayer and meditation because they are important for me. I am not as consistent as I need to be in order to achieve healthy living. I do believe both faith and healing are something we learn, rather than something we just possess.

When I go to write an article here it seems I get a refresher course in how well I am not doing. Some days I still get mad because I cannot afford to drink at some situation or person that has gotten under my skin. I am not a well person. I am just less sick than I used to be.

I have to be willing to change and some days that includes picking up the 700-pound phone to text or call someone or make it to an extra gathering around the tables when offered. Sometimes it means listening to others and their dilemmas. There are things I can do to change my mind-set it’s just when I get there, it is hard to get myself out of that pit.

This is where the crazy train comes back to ask if I want a free ride. Let me just say that ride, is anything but free.

Let’s look at The Serenity Prayer (Short-Version):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

What I have found is I can’t change other people, places, or things. I can change me. Even if I am not willing, I can pray and ask for the willingness to change.

What are the things I can do to change me?

  • Do an inventory: of who or what, the cause, how it affects me.
  • Talk to others phone text listen to someone else and their problems also
  • Pray for others even or how to be of service
  • Meditate
  • Forgive others and yourself
  • Start day over ask God for the ability to get out of the resentment and self -pity
  • Go do something good for someone and try not to get caught doing it or found out that you did good
  • Writing
  • Reading
  • Is there an amends I could be doing that I am avoiding, or have I confronted all my wrongs?
  • Don’t forget to laugh at myself because some of the situations I have gotten myself into, are so unbelievable. Having that other friend who makes sarcastic remarks reminds me of how silly some of the stuff is that I take so seriously.
  • Don’t be an ass

Everything I have listed here is really having the courage to change. I don’t always do these and sometimes it takes me a while to be willing to even ask for the willingness to be willing. That’s the real truth. It’s a day at a time for real and sometimes moment by moment.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stop The Crazy Train in My Head

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crazy train

Photo By Melanie Hughes @nutsycoco at Unsplash.com

 

Good Morning Everyone,

Today’s topic is on the crazy train. The crazy train is in my mind. Today with the support of those around me, I know I have a choice to not get on the crazy train.  I find I am no different than most and I am resistant to change. I do have a desire to want change and I can even see the map before me. But in order to change, action must take place.

For me it became even the tiniest thing to do different. The action in difference was to call someone when I am not thinking clearly. I could hear myself repeat to them my thoughts and them ask me for specific information and say it back to me. The step is communication. I do not have to keep repeating the same things and getting what I have always gotten.

What exactly is the crazy train? The crazy train for me is getting information and allowing it to consume me to the point of running through several scenarios of that information and choosing one to be the truth. The fact is all I have done is magnified the negativity of such that the truth is distorted. In other words, I have created a lie and believe it.

I put the change to this in effect over the weekend. I was emotional and realized, maybe I needed someone else to hear what my mind was saying so I wouldn’t be so crazy.

Even crazier, is people have been telling me over the years I have done this, and I refused to believe them. The thought to change my pattern happened, when I caught myself doing it.

The symptoms start with the emotional roller coater we take on. We start having conversations in our head with people who have no clue we are even talking to them. We take our distorted pictures and thoughts for truth. We make decisions based on the lies we believe. We are doing ourselves and others a great disservice when we act in this way. It does nothing to help the situation at hand, when we carry on in negativity.

Looking back on the conversation that took place, I was not put down or made to feel stupid. In fact, I already felt that way from what I was doing to myself before the phone call. The person heard me and spoke gentle.

They also admitted they didn’t know for sure on certain facts and didn’t have all the answers. That’s okay even if the person doesn’t have the answers. At least I could slow down and hear the truth. They were able to help me as far as they had the ability too and as far as I was willing to listen.

As much as negativity can have a domino effect, I believe positivity does as well. It is trusting the process and being willing to put ourselves out there. Each step into change makes room for more changes. It’s definitely not easy, but it is simple if I just listen to myself, God, and others.

This is BoxcarMike, let’s take good care of ourselves and help others. We Might just be a blessing to someone else.

Thanks for reading!