Life Changing Heard Forgiveness Is For The Forgiver

January 30, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I heard this in a message two weeks ago. Though this is not new to me, it is a fact. I believe it is our thoughts that make forgiveness difficult. Thoughts become feelings if we do not stop the thoughts.

For instance, in writing this blog post entry I have had many thoughts as someone was in the room to interrupt me. I became angry and annoyed by anything they did. I do not always get the choice to write while being alone in the room.

What does this mean? I have a resentment and lack of trust for them. It is a basic trust issue. I am unsure why or what it is other than behaviors I do not care for. Yet, these behaviors are some of the same ones I have exhibited before as well.

Because we have grown in an area others may not have, we place ourselves above them. It still comes down to protecting ourselves from things we learned that are hurtful. We do not wish to feel that hurt or necessarily cause that same hurt. Do we not still want others that cause us to hurt to pay handsomely? After all, we had to pay, so they should pay!

I know as I rewrite this blog post, many conversations are taking place in my head. My thoughts are having court take place and I become the judge. Many times, it comes down to dismissing the cases. How do we let the cases go? It is difficult as the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts are more annoying than the acts we see. We must free ourselves before we can free anyone else.

Every act of forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves, allowing our negative thoughts, hurts, and behaviors of others to take root in us.

I attest to the fact when the actions of others take root in me unless I stop the thoughts, I begin rationalizing my revenge.

If I can stop the thoughts and step back, I have a chance to redirect my focus. It may mean distancing myself long enough to work through the feelings I have allowed. I must look within myself and take stock of my actions. If I just ignore the situation, an innocent bystander may get the brunt of my wrath.

I have been embarrassed by my behavior. Was being embarrassed enough to change my behavior? Not most of the time. Why? Because I believed I could hide my behaviors and embarrassment. I kept the vicious cycle going. It kept me locked within myself. I could not be free. This is still true unless I forgive myself.

If I am not careful when I step back I isolate myself with my thoughts instead of working through them. This is damaging to my soul. I must take control of my thoughts, so my thoughts do not take control of me.

Recently, I binge-watched a show I love and have seen every episode before. It shows a woman wrestling with her belief in God. I will not tell you the name of the show, because I am not sure it is healthy to watch. To get to my point every time I am wrestling with myself, I find I am wrestling with God and my beliefs.

There’s also a song some of us, once sang for communion, and in that song was a line, “if I don’t back down I hope you win.” This is where I am every time I want to be centered and let go.

We can wear unforgiveness like a rock around our necks or we can let go of that rock, to save ourselves.

Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? ” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Forgiveness comes down to loving my neighbor as myself. Man, I hope I hear that!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Its Time To Heal To Make Progress

February 4, 2020 / boxcarmike / 3 Comments

Hello My friends! I have had a lot to deal with emotionally and physically. Part of this journey has been the stumbling in and out of things and still keeping clean and sober.

I deal with tremors in my hands at times. The most has been dealing with my feet and legs and resting and fighting the cold weather that zooms in and out of my state.

Thankfully what we are finding is my tremors actually count as part of my pulse. Which means it’s been giving false reading, of like 113 beats per minute.

I do let agitation run my blood pressure too at times. Thankfully with the steps it has lessened some.

I am finally back at that point where I love me best when I am not trying to perform. I am doing some soul searching again.

It’s all about giving up the parts of you that keep you sick and realizing some of those parts when they are given up to God, He has a plan for them.

In my past and present both, I have hurt out of my hurt. I am asking for help each day that my behavior in that way, would be stopped. You see it’s up to me to stop the cycle of that hurt. That hurt keeps me sick and it spreads sickness like a wild fire.

Forgiveness of others and myself is still the key to happiness.

In my soul searching and letting go of things are some questions I have even had to ask myself tonight, in pondering it all.

Do I realize the gifts I was even given before to get me out of a place where I was sure to die alone and empty?

Do I realize that even when things were bad, all anybody wanted was the best for me, even in my hatefulness?

Do I realize how much God and man power it took to get me out of a really, really, bad place?

I took a lot for granted. That’s the truth. Today I count my blessings now with this mini inventory of sorts.

There seem to be no shortcuts in doing this deal. It’s all messy. The only way to heal is to walk through the mess and pick it up and throw it away. The only way to do that is to own up to it and ask for forgiveness. You make your amends and go forward.

If you can do this much maybe, just maybe, your whole tribe won’t be afflicted by yours and my own sickness.

Part of the hell, in my thought is dying and not doing anything to change for the positive before you die. We must change and we must heal otherwise life is meaningless.

My world has been turned upside down in my reflections. I have to be willing to do my part.

We ask God to heal our land, to heal our loved ones, and anyone we may meet along the way. Isn’t it time for us to heal today? It’s time for me to heal and I am not sure what it looks like, except that I trust the process.

Happy New Year and Happy February! I am thankful to have made it through January. Together we can!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

GodBless Y’all Everybody!

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

January 1, 2020 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year.

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow.

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward.

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity. It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak.

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom.

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better.

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people.

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others.

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing.

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019.

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding.

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface.

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise.

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible.

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward.

Goodbye 2019!

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year!

Resentments, Bondage, Prayer, Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom!

November 18, 2019 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone – The following passage is from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 552:

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.

Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.’

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes.

And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.”

I have been reading this and using this as a prayer all week. I am going to keep doing it until it takes for a particular person. I have no reason to doubt it works. I may have to keep doing it for a while. I am willing.

Everything takes as long as it takes. No one else can do your foot work for you. Even in sponsorship, the sponsor is only there as a guide and to help facilitate your choices.

I happen to believe that God shows up for the honesty and because of His mercy. Certainly not my mercy. My mercy, is so I can be free and that’s the truth.

Forgiveness is hard. I must remember this when I am asking it of others, for my wrongs.

With the practice of forgiving and asking for others to be blessed, I have to believe it gets easier as I go along. It always comes back to honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This is how it works.

I am hoping to catch up on my posting this weekend, as I have been under the weather all week. That was two weeks ago.

Now I am trying to get back on track. I now feel better physically and there’s no way to catch up. Now it’s just moving forward.

I am grateful for mercy and forgiveness.
I am grateful for the journey and one more tool to use.

I am grateful God shows up when 2 or more are gathered.
I am grateful I have a choice to change my actions and the end of a chapter.
I am grateful for guidance and maturity ahead of me but also realizing everyone is fallible but probably better seasoned than myself.
I am grateful I don’t have to have it all together.
I am grateful no one has it all together.
I am grateful I do the right things even when I don’t want to.
I am grateful for the hand up.
I am grateful it’s also up to me to pass on what I have been given.

The bonus for today is even if it feels like a train wreck, it’s not the end of the world. The sun will rise again, regardless.

Thanks for reading! This post took about three weeks to finish.

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

There Is A Way Of Changing Your Ending

September 23, 2019 / boxcarmike / 3 Comments

Hello Everyone!

It’s great to be able to be back on a laptop even if temporarily, until I get one of my own.

The past two weeks have thrown me with the laptop dying and a weeks’ worth of gatherings missed. I also am enduring a loss of my vehicle having to sell it. It’s a great loss to me and all of these things combined, haven’t exactly made me feel too spiritual.

I am grateful for the lessons learned and it doesn’t mean I have to like the turn of events, rather I get to walk through them.

I have mentioned the lack of gatherings and therefore I also have had a lack in remaining grateful in this walk. Consistency and gratitude are important in this journey.

It takes walking through the valley to start climbing upward and I cannot do it alone, at any time.

So far along this journey you all have been with me as I hit a snag after snag. I have had reasons for each one but now it’s time to push ahead so I don’t stay stuck.

Part of not staying stuck means forgiving other people as I have been forgiven and even thanking people for their patience with me. I can’t stay in anger or allow it control me. I may have to feel the anger but it’s important I let it go even with some bitter tears as my heart breaks.

The difference is now I have an answer to that heart break and I can change the end of that story. That’s a true gift given to me to change some of the endings, where I didn’t realize I had a choice before. My heart does not have to break.

I honestly made a decision this afternoon to give up the anger forgive because the anger will kill me. (I’ve taken lots of breaks in writing this post entry). I even had to make a decision on two more losses this afternoon. I refuse to be angry over them. Moving forward is all that counts right now.

I am going to keep doing the Gratitude Lists because they do keep me somewhat centered in today. Even as I write this one of those losses, I mentioned that happened this afternoon is coming back to me. So, it seems it is all in foot work.

Yes, I do believe we have to write stuff out. I do believe we have to pray and meditate. Sometimes we have to share in a general way and share specifics in private.

Even if we disagree with others, we need to hear them out. They just may have a solution.

The sad stories we have can have happier endings if we are open enough to try. Many hugs, prayers, and love all go into my program. It’s not all blood, sweat, and tears. Not today, anyway.

Before today I was not sure there was a way out. There is a way out and sometimes it means working your butt off and stepping back. When I freed the anger of one, I was able to go to someone else and say thank you for being patient with me these past couple of years to another and he said, peace brother!

I wish peace to all of you as well.

I am grateful for friends who tell me the truth.

I am grateful for forgiveness and peace.

I am grateful that right things get replaced and the things we must give up are done for our own best interest.

I am grateful for being trusted today.

I am grateful I am truly loved by others and that I am learning to love in the right ways.

I am grateful that there is a way out and I don’t have to stay stuck.

I am grateful to see the majestic clouds in the sky today

I am grateful to just be a small part of this world.

I am grateful for being able to take a step back and breathe.

I am grateful for unity and the ability for being true to myself all in the process of letting go. It’s okay today.

I especially want to thank my church people you know who you are and I hope those of you who read this pass this on to others who may not see it. I love you all.

Thank you to all my readers.

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike Over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

A Recipe Study Thinking I Was Ready

August 19, 2019 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

nature-background-hd-3 Photography by: wallpaper found in my collection

Welcome Back! This is a Day 7 Blogpost entry. I am far behind.

I thought I was ready to start in on The Big Book. I got drawn back to read another chapter in the book “A Program for You.” I really thought Id even get done reading the big book and be ready to do chapter by chapter and step by step this week.

I even shared that fact with my therapist. His recommendation was to take it slow and not rush things.

Now that I have read this third chapter, I am seeing why its important not to rush things. The important things brought out in this third chapter are finding out and understanding our problem, to begin with.

The first step shows us our problem is being powerless, and we need power to overcome our powerlessness. Third thing we have to find is that power which is what was recalled by Bill W. Dr Bob and Bill D.

The three basic questions are as follows:

What is the problem?
What is the solution?
What is the program of action necessary for me to find and to use or implement that solution?

This is where we can finally see The Big Book as a text and study guide or recipe. I am glad that I can see where I was rushing and yet also, I can see where I have now procrastinated and used tiredness as an excuse to fall behind.

I do believe in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous and I do believe in a power greater than myself; Whom I choose to call God as I understand Him and Don’t Understand Him. I don’t expect everyone or maybe anyone, to believe the way I believe.

No matter what we believe I do know that there are no two people on this earth who believe exactly the same.

What I do believe is that the first one hundred people, recovered and they used a simple text or recipe if you will, that is a program of action. I am certainly not saying I wouldn’t love to rush through this. However, if taking my time gets the best results and following these simple directions help me do that, then I want all I can get from it.

I have to keep pressing ahead and do the best I can. I cannot afford for my recovery and well-being to take any days off of blogging.

The blogging happens because I read and learn. I take time to pray and meditate in the middle of it. That’s where the excitement for growth happens but sometimes it is so hard to want to pry the book open to learn. I also have to do better with communication with my closed mouth friend.

I have literally gone to sleep early and taken naps, blowing off our time. I really do care and want more for myself I just have to prove it through action.

I have come to understand a couple of things in recovery time is a great reminder and good to have for milestones to capture those moments in. Quality is what I want to today. Some days I just have to want it more than I want it sometimes. Especially when I let days go by.

21 day Challenge of 3 things to be grateful about for rewiring my brain to happiness:

The opportunity to admit when I am wrong.
The chance to write and share my experience with others.
I am never alone even if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

Checking Your Foundation and Getting Real

August 13, 2019August 13, 2019 / boxcarmike / 2 Comments

Image result for a program for you

Hello Again, Everyone!

As I have stated in another post; I believe I did anyway. I am going through the 12 steps again and in preparation I am actually trying to do what is necessary.

It’s no secret I am an alcoholic and addict. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.

I think it’s important to take every suggestion that one has the ability to do. If you can’t I truly believe surrounding yourself with good, quality sobriety is the best way to make it possible. We cannot do this thing alone.

I also believe it all has to be done by design of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am sure many may balk at this. I admit I am using Hazelden’s workbooks, but they are the ones guided by The Big Book and the Book written by two anonymous authors, “A Program for You.”

Today I just read the first chapter and it is jam packed full of facts of exactly how AA began and how the Big Book even came into print, by the first 100 people. Thank goodness for The Oxford Groups and Ebby T bringing the message of hope to Cofounder of AA Bill W.

In this first chapter we learn we learn that the disease is two-fold physical and mental illness. It is a disease that will tell us we don’t have a disease. Yet, we end up in the same situations because nothing changes.

This describes nothing less than insanity when we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. There are so many things this applies to, or so I believe.

We cannot recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind without a spiritual experience. Many experiences though I believe are more of the educational variety as opposed to the lightening bolts and flashes of light. In alcoholism it is the drink that takes the next drink because we get the craving for it and wanting that first euphoria.

While I am almost 15 years clean and sober, I feel that I have a had a break in my spiritual foundation caused by myself. I believe the only way top fix the said foundation is to go back to the beginning of recovery.

It starts even before the admission of defeat this round. Thank goodness, I didn’t need to go back out and drink or use more!

There is no shame in going back and fixing the foundation of your whole system. What would be shameful and sad, even heart breaking for many of my friends, loved ones and myself is to go back out and throw everything away.

I would die never knowing I could be happy, joyous, and free. Today, I know I want to fix the foundation.

It all starts with being honest with yourself, God, and others. Or if you prefer a power greater than yourself. Early on they told me when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. The big motivator is pain.

Pain will drive you to your knees and make you start praying in ways, you haven’t ever thought about maybe ever, or in many years.

One of the things that really made me think was when I was sharing about my anger someone shared with me and others how they watched a person go backward before they died.

The rawness of this disease is you don’t have to take another drink to die from it. I don’t want that to be my legacy. Its time to let of the pain, anger, and even shame.

Day 4 of 3 things to be grateful for in 21 days

My Friend Kassi
Learning Solutions
I am not alone today

This is me getting real! Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike over and out God Bless Everybody!

I am Powerless But I Can Change Me

August 11, 2019August 11, 2019 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

gratitude3

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to Boxcarmike! I hope you enjoy following me in my journey. I have missed a day or two of writing so I may end up making up a day or two of my writing because I have limitations. That’s just the way I am going to roll with this.

I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. The only thing I can change is me.

Its when you realize its beyond addiction or any other sickness, it’s a soul sickness! You have become hardened, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get tired enough you become willing to change as only the dying can be willing enough to change. You beg for any direction to change.

When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. This is so true in my case. The how of it is honest, open minded, and willing. Lets try that again.

Honest

Open minded

Willing

See its all right there in how it works. I am powerless over the past, but I can start my day over anytime I want. Moving forward starts with the first step. For me the first step does still involve my attitude towards alcohol and reminiscing in thoughts of the romance, I once had with it.

You see I became sick and, in my isolation, and getting more tired and sick today. I realize I still grieve for it too. You don’t even realize you’re drowning at the time and so close to going back.

Its time to be honest, open minded, and willing. I haven’t had to do drink or do anything, but I am here to tell you the relapse starts in the mind. I am also here to tell you; the relapse doesn’t have to happen.

But the question always remains am I now willing to listen. Again, I believe it has to be only as willing as the dying can be to change their ways to recover.

The disease of alcoholism can be fatal if not treated. It’s a progressive disease. The disease if you allow it, it will isolate you. I am blessed! I was thrown a rope to tie a knot and hang on to.

Here’s the deal. No one can drag you the whole way. You can be brought to safety. This is where hope begins. A whole new world can be opened up if, I am only honest, open-minded and willing.

I had to write a letter to my dad accepting his death. Not because I was just told to, but because I needed to do it for me and finally acknowledging his death.

I bring this up because I now see how it’s important, I finally tell alcohol it’s no longer a choice of reminiscing because that romance is only a dance right back to the disease and it will kill me if I allow it. I will kill me If I allow it.

There’s been lots of grieving in my life and it started at a young age of twelve years old and wishing for the guts and a gun to end it all. That’s the real truth of it all. I am an alcoholic and addict. The problem is me and its time to take the trash to the curb once and for all.

I am done grieving just for today!

3 things I am grateful for 21 day challenge:

Friends who tell me the truth
Tears that release years of pain
For the how in the steps I am now ready to take to heal

Thank you for reading another blog post entry of BoxcarMike Over and out! God Bless you Everybody!

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

August 9, 2019August 9, 2019 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

prayer candle

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!” I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

I am grateful for a meeting
I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

Grieving Letting Go and Gratitude

August 7, 2019 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

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Hi Everyone,

My schedule keeps getting goofed up by lack of sleep and being up when I should be asleep. Its been difficult for me to keep up with my blog. I am trying to take steps to be positive and change. One of the hardest things for me is to make changes stick.

I am still determined to do better. I just have to realize I can’t jump up and do everything on the turn of a dime. It takes being patient with myself and others and those things in my life that seem so difficult to tackle. Change is a process. What I have been doing wrong is giving up before I even get started.

I feel some gratitude after talks and reading and writing a letter. I have been severely depressed for some time. I haven’t wanted to admit it but I feel some better even with the depression. I can’t say it’s all gone.

However, a ton of weight came off of me after talking, attending a meeting, and writing a letter. In the past I have always said well, I am better now. I am better, but I have a long way to go.

The things that come into play for me is the past and feeling guilt. Feeling remorse over things I don’t have control over. There are plenty of things I never chose or had control over to begin with. Some other things are learning to let go.

Even in grieving. It’s been fourteen years since my dad died. Many days have been grieving almost as much as I did when he first died. With the suggestion and help from a friend, I finally had to write a letter telling him I was letting go and that I accepted he died.

It was a long time even maybe a year later after he died my mom told me, I could say he died. Because that’s what he did! He died.

I know if you know me you think I just beat this gratitude into the ground. The fact is I am grateful today. I am grateful I can let go and push forward. I am never going to forget my dad, nor will I probably not smile or cry when I think about him.

I don’t have to grieve everyday like he just died today. I have decided I am going to get a plant though and put his picture up he deserves to be in my apartment. I deserve to be able to recognize him on a daily basis. He loved me. My mom and him saved me in ways I can never explain.

Yes, I deserve to be happy today. Yes, I can celebrate him and not have to be sad all the time. The other thing I am done with is trying to earn peoples love, man! Not one thing I can do to earn anyone’s love! I can’t go chasing knocking people down for not being better at some points. Its not my job to run people down or even make them like me.

I love me enough to let go today. I may not be perfect at it and it’s a process like anything else. But I am going for the prize of freedom. Won’t you run with me? Let’s find 3 things for 21 days to be grateful for. Let’s rewire our brains together on this journey.

I will end with 3 things I am grateful for today:

I am grateful for freedom
I am grateful for a new outlook
I am grateful for book given to me I really wanted and need both

Thanks for reading and love ya all!

BoxcarMike here, over and out!

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