When You Are In A Brown LA Haze

November 24, 2024 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

I have shared Jimmy Buffet before here we go again.

“Come Monday”

By Jimmy Buffett

Headin’ up to San Francisco

For the Labor Day weekend show,

I’ve got my hush-puppies on,

I guess I never was meant for

Glitter rock and roll.

And honey I didn’t know

That I’d be missin’ you so.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

Yes, it’s been quite a summer,

Rent-a-cars and westbound trains.

And now you’re off on vacation,

Somethin’ you tried to explain.

And darlin’ I love you so that’s

The reason I just let you go.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

I can’t help it honey,

You’re that much a part of me now.

Remember the night in Montana when

We said there’d be no room for doubt.

I hope you’re enjoying’ the scenery,

I know that it’s pretty up there.

We can go hikin on Tuesday,

With you I’d walk anywhere.

California has worn me quite thin,

I just can’t wait to see you again.

Come Monday It’ll be all right,

Come Monday I’ll be holding you tight.

I spent four lonely days in a brown L.A. haze

And I just want you back by my side.

I have drifted along, diving deep into a pit of darkness. I found myself in a very dark place. I am slowly climbing out, holding on to any words I can to help me escape the darkness. It felt like a brown L.A. haze for me too, but it lasted much longer than four days. Embracing the journey and utilizing the tools at your disposal can be challenging. It will not always be an easy path.

I am not where I had hoped to be and that is because of my procrastination in short. I must make peace and accept I procrastinated while all the distractions and interruptions happened as well. I own the fact I did not have the knowledge or allow for adjustments which is why I screamed when things did not go my way.

The biggest mistake I made was going on autopilot.

When I accepted my journey, I said I wanted a better relationship with myself. However, I just stopped checking in with myself and autopilot did not work. Before I can have better relationships with anyone else, I must have a better relationship with myself. I cannot be checked out and expect things to run smoothly.

If you have set everything on autopilot so you can put out other fires, you are not going to see autopilot not working if you have not checked in. You are also not going to see that you are going down for a crash landing.

You might swear you have done everything you know how, but the proof is in the pudding. If you have crashed and fallen into the pit of darkness, you have not done everything you could do. Therefore, you have not used all the tools you have.

I must admit now that I have not done everything I could do. Thanks to my tribe and writing this blog post, I am aware now.

It is now my responsibility to take care of myself, make amends where needed, and move forward.

For the past two weeks, I have not taken my diabetes medication under the guidance of a nurse, and I have been managing my blood sugar levels well. I am presently losing weight which is making me feel good.

The deal is if my blood sugar starts messing up, I will go back on the medication. I hope to be able to stay off the medication. Everything is a day at a time in my life.

It is now Sunday, November 24^th, 2024. I started this post yesterday. I am feeling good and in a great mood.

I am starting first things first:

Asking For Help to start the day with prayer (Coffee is immensely helpful to me)
Breakfast and medications according to directions of my doctor and medical staff
Making my to-do lists
Making My calls and texts checking my calendars (taking directions and seeing if I might be helpful and encouraging to others)
Stop- Breathe- make a gratitude list and meditate on what is good!
Remembering H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired)and my pauses ( God save me from being angry!)
Get as much done as possible.
Checking in, listening to others, or an uplifting message

throughout the day.

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.

— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 90

Alcoholics Anonymous World Services

Today, I realized that I cannot manage my anger responsibly by holding onto it. My therapist has been trying to convey this message to me for over twenty years now—he gets all giddy about this kind of insight (shh… do not tell him I shared this secret about anger and feeling disturbed). He believes my thinking is flawed.

I need to view others as individuals who are struggling and require help just like I do. There are certain things beyond my control; I must accept them and move forward.

I make right whatever wrong I have done as soon as possible. I am often slow in this process. However, if I truly desire to be free and be at peace with myself God, and others, I must do it.

At the end of the day, I thank God for helping me make it for these twenty-four hours.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Post-Surgery Physical And Emotional Healing Choices

October 14, 2022 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

A little more than a week ago, my hospital admission occurred. Admission to the hospital is hardly ever a pleasant experience but necessary. In my case, it was very necessary. I am very blessed to still have all my limbs and lower extremities.

What the doctors and I did not know is that I had an active case of Osteomyelitis. It was causing wounds not to heal and was in two small bones in my foot. Last Saturday, I had surgery to have those two small bones removed and I could begin to heal.

I have about made it through the first week of healing at home. It has been multiple appointments and having Home Health come back to my home to resume care of wounds. Though the one doctor and the wound clinic are taking care of the foot that had surgery.

I have like six weeks before the sutures come out and I am to take it easy and allow others to do for me, which I admit I resent.

I am trying to find time to take that deep breath throughout the day without answering questions that seem constantly coming at me.

I need everyone to leave before the end of the day sometimes. I need time for myself besides just having to lie down and rest and elevate my feet. I need time for writing, meditation, and conversations besides with friends who do have time.

While I was in the hospital, I was very emotional much of the time. During my first few days, I was still reeling from one of my favorite country music stars death Loretta Lynn. I found myself singing God Bless America Again very loudly something hardly do except to cope with stressful situations.

The nurses easily poked on and dug into twelve times for an I-V and some attempts left lasting marks. Nurses that put in I-Vs, you must do better. Please do not dig, that is not the way to do it because you are afraid of running out of time for a break or because you have other patients. Do it right or do not do it. Admit you need better training. Supervisors, help your Nurses. Do not sit on your butt watching Facebook or other social media. If you do it correctly the patient will have minimal discomfort!

Saturday, I had my surgery and while I did have pain, it was tolerable. I needed four tablets of tramadol to get through recovery time until I went home Sunday afternoon when I was discharged from the hospital.

I was happy to attend my Men’s Group on Tuesday online where the topic of anger came up.

Many things push us into anger and feeling overwhelmed by everyday life-type things.

The importance is in identifying what anger looks like and catching our thoughts early on. Being able to control our thoughts and remember to remind ourselves of true statements instead of believing a lie.

The first part of everything begins with how we start our day and the self-care in beginning our day.

This comes from prayer and meditation.

We encourage ourselves and affirm ourselves by using “I am statements.”

The attitude of gratitude by remembering and writing down the things for which we are thankful.

Reading for me which would be in God’s word and remembering God loves me and wants the best for me.

It is a lifelong process.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Hearing Someone’s Story I Step Back From The Spiral

August 25, 2022 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

I woke up at 4:15 am today. I am still working on my coffee. I woke up mad. I am disgusted, mad, perplexed, and in general on the edge ready to spiral again. I pause long enough to read in our local gossip area someone reaching out for help.

Now was the time for the judges, jury, and executioners of our fine county to decide if the person was worthy of helping. More than a handful thought so, was the verdict! Humanity is back at work despite the doubters.

For the back story of the person needing help. It was a pregnant woman due in ten days needing a safe place for her and her kids. Food and money for gas to make it to another state which would take a couple of days drive.

The thing about it is, that she was only asking for places to get food. She did not ask anyone for anything. Thankfully, people stepped up and she was grateful. Someone paid for a hotel room, and someone bought food. She also had half the gas money needed to make her trip to her family that was waiting for her and the kids.

This melted my heart.

I am stepping back from the edge again. I do not want to spiral down.

My coffee has started waking me up some. It is in my dad’s coffee mug I have held on to it since my mom gave it to me sometime after my dad’s death. I think even once going through a homeless phase I have held on to it and determined to have coffee no matter what.

It is my piece of peace to feel as though I might be sharing a cup of coffee with him.

I did get to see my dad in a dream this past week. I want to come back to this in a minute. I must catch you up on my readiness to spiral and what has gotten to me first!

I must confess. I have done some screaming, cussing, crying, talking, and sharing. I have not found it necessary to punch a hole in the wall, yet. I sure have envisioned it! I am thinking it through now. A broken hand, another trip to the emergency room, destruction of property that I do not own, and repairs.

What has made me so angry?

I have an infection in my wounds! I am angry because it was preventable, and I did not cause it! It boils down to insurance and money! I had gone nine months infection free! It is a bad infection; it may take having PICC Line once more! Why? Insurance and money.

Thank you, said Insurance Management Company, unsaid!

I feel the swelling and the pain. I started the regular oral antibiotics. I am changing the wraps at home as well as at the wound clinic for now.

Tomorrow I am going to get labs done before entering the wound clinic.

I thought to myself. I can be angry because of this infection. Where is it going to get me in reality? Nowhere!

I switched to this management company because they offered a free monthly food card and extra services. The food and the services are not free. This could cost me dearly! But that is not how they presented it to me.

No, I will not take the blame for this! Believe me, when I say, I have some choice words about this whole situation!

Now back to seeing my dad in a dream. There was a clear river flowing steadily. I stood on the bank right close as if I were to cross. My dad was on the other side of the river, on a bank. He was still wearing his glasses, but much thinner in a blue shirt. No expression on his face, just staring straight through me and the dream ended.

I first thought it is my time to cross, but on second thought, it is not my time. Incidentally, this dream was before I knew about the infection.

It makes sense as it is time to fight this infection!

I think about the song Alison Krauss sings, “Down To The River To Pray.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

The Choices We Face In Going Forward

February 7, 2022 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Howdy!

We are making it through another day.

It is so easy to isolate and forget to check in. It can be okay if taking time in solitude and reflection of our lives. However, for me it just leads to too much time alone inside my head. There really is too much me in my mind. It leads to unproductive time and that can be a slippery slope.

I avoid the significant issues because they are painful and often come up even in my dreams as I sleep. Making the changes and getting through each obstacle that comes up can prove difficult. It is possible to work through the changes. The truth shall set me free.

Today, I am trying to find gratitude again in that I can keep dealing with others. I have had to deal with someone stealing from me and I do not want to be angry. At the same time, I have had to look at myself. I have had to look at the fact I made it too easy for it to happen.

Now I am finding alternative ways to deal with the situation. I had a part in this happening. I enabled the person to do this and having thrown away the proof, I have chosen to take precautions and be initiative-taking. I cannot stress enough how important it is to document everything, especially in finances.

The gratitude I find in this situation is in being taught a lesson. The lesson is, the fact there are protocols in place for a reason. If you remove them because you think everyone is honest, you can easily be disappointed. It is not a time to be passive.

I have had to go back and look at my past. In my recovery, I have learned a lot. I cannot even imagine the sting I have left upon others in my whirlwind of the life I have led.

I am no angel, but I am not the worst. The self-loathing can send me into self-pity if I allow it. I do not want self-pity to be my story or legacy. Therefore, changes are necessary, and taking responsibility for my predicament. Blaming does not help anyone. It is in acting and taking responsibility that will bring about change. The reality is I stayed in bed for two days and dwelled on this situation. The difference is I am now making a gratitude list and planning. A lot of the time by me doing the next right thing is delayed.

I do not always do the best things for myself, but I am changing despite myself. I have the choice to take the higher road and prevent the same thing from happening repeatedly.

If I choose to hold this as a resentment, it only hurts me.
It does not solve the situation. I do not want to wake up angry every day brooding because something happened to me. I did this for too long with other things. It made my life a wreck.

There is a way out with the tools at my feet. I do not have to stay self-imprisoned over negative things today. The choice is mine.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

January 12, 2022 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

January 1, 2020 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year.

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow.

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward.

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity. It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak.

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom.

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better.

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people.

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others.

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing.

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019.

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding.

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface.

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise.

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible.

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward.

Goodbye 2019!

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year!

All To Thee I Surrender All

October 10, 2019 / boxcarmike / 2 Comments

Hi Everyone,

I am catching up again, because of physical issues it’s been hard to stay up to date.

Life is often a mixed bag. One is never without struggles and they are also never without many things to be grateful for, at least in my life this is true.

I am learning to be more of service as a chairman or facilitator of meetings and answering the call when someone asks for help. Maybe it’s just listening to others and getting out of my own head for a while.

I am having to ask for help from others today and that’s very humbling.

Things that have always been true but refreshers are always needed are:

I realize tonight for me, that alcohol and anger really are one in the same for me. Neither serve me very well. I am tired, the anger has worn me down.

We can’t lie and recover.

We can’t hold onto anger and recover.

It doesn’t matter what was done to you. What matters is what you are doing to others and if you are taking responsibility today.

I am willing to be alone today rather than have someone take my joy and peace.

I don’t have the right to judge you today.

We all have choices choose them wisely.

Our greatest message is how we live and not what we say.

Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t come to an understanding.

Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

What we sow is what we will reap.

People will fail me at some point and I will them too. That’s a promise. No one’s perfect.

It’s okay to let go I don’t have to try to control everything. It’s not my job.

I think back to the church hymns while growing up and I was very young, about 10 years old. “All to Thee My Blessed Savior, I surrender all. I surrender all, I surrender all!” The minister would ask in the middle of that hymn do you really, people? Do you surrender all?

Each of us have that same question to answer for ourselves and how we choose, will determine the rest.

Not only do my decisions affect me today. They affect others as well. Especially, those around me. I am not my own person today. I am a part of a we thing.

I am grateful for help today.
I am grateful for the truth.
I am grateful to be able to surrender.
I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to others today.
I am grateful I can choose today.
I am grateful for the care and the transparency of others. It teaches me to do the same, to the best of my ability.
I am grateful I picked 4pm, it will keep me accountable.
I am grateful I don’t have to make excuses today.
I am grateful I get to stay in contact today and stay connected.

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike and I thank you for reading! Over and Out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

There Is A Way Of Changing Your Ending

September 23, 2019 / boxcarmike / 3 Comments

Hello Everyone!

It’s great to be able to be back on a laptop even if temporarily, until I get one of my own.

The past two weeks have thrown me with the laptop dying and a weeks’ worth of gatherings missed. I also am enduring a loss of my vehicle having to sell it. It’s a great loss to me and all of these things combined, haven’t exactly made me feel too spiritual.

I am grateful for the lessons learned and it doesn’t mean I have to like the turn of events, rather I get to walk through them.

I have mentioned the lack of gatherings and therefore I also have had a lack in remaining grateful in this walk. Consistency and gratitude are important in this journey.

It takes walking through the valley to start climbing upward and I cannot do it alone, at any time.

So far along this journey you all have been with me as I hit a snag after snag. I have had reasons for each one but now it’s time to push ahead so I don’t stay stuck.

Part of not staying stuck means forgiving other people as I have been forgiven and even thanking people for their patience with me. I can’t stay in anger or allow it control me. I may have to feel the anger but it’s important I let it go even with some bitter tears as my heart breaks.

The difference is now I have an answer to that heart break and I can change the end of that story. That’s a true gift given to me to change some of the endings, where I didn’t realize I had a choice before. My heart does not have to break.

I honestly made a decision this afternoon to give up the anger forgive because the anger will kill me. (I’ve taken lots of breaks in writing this post entry). I even had to make a decision on two more losses this afternoon. I refuse to be angry over them. Moving forward is all that counts right now.

I am going to keep doing the Gratitude Lists because they do keep me somewhat centered in today. Even as I write this one of those losses, I mentioned that happened this afternoon is coming back to me. So, it seems it is all in foot work.

Yes, I do believe we have to write stuff out. I do believe we have to pray and meditate. Sometimes we have to share in a general way and share specifics in private.

Even if we disagree with others, we need to hear them out. They just may have a solution.

The sad stories we have can have happier endings if we are open enough to try. Many hugs, prayers, and love all go into my program. It’s not all blood, sweat, and tears. Not today, anyway.

Before today I was not sure there was a way out. There is a way out and sometimes it means working your butt off and stepping back. When I freed the anger of one, I was able to go to someone else and say thank you for being patient with me these past couple of years to another and he said, peace brother!

I wish peace to all of you as well.

I am grateful for friends who tell me the truth.

I am grateful for forgiveness and peace.

I am grateful that right things get replaced and the things we must give up are done for our own best interest.

I am grateful for being trusted today.

I am grateful I am truly loved by others and that I am learning to love in the right ways.

I am grateful that there is a way out and I don’t have to stay stuck.

I am grateful to see the majestic clouds in the sky today

I am grateful to just be a small part of this world.

I am grateful for being able to take a step back and breathe.

I am grateful for unity and the ability for being true to myself all in the process of letting go. It’s okay today.

I especially want to thank my church people you know who you are and I hope those of you who read this pass this on to others who may not see it. I love you all.

Thank you to all my readers.

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike Over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

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