writing

Stop The Crazy Train in My Head

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

crazy train

Photo By Melanie Hughes @nutsycoco at Unsplash.com

 

Good Morning Everyone,

Today’s topic is on the crazy train. The crazy train is in my mind. Today with the support of those around me, I know I have a choice to not get on the crazy train.  I find I am no different than most and I am resistant to change. I do have a desire to want change and I can even see the map before me. But in order to change, action must take place.

For me it became even the tiniest thing to do different. The action in difference was to call someone when I am not thinking clearly. I could hear myself repeat to them my thoughts and them ask me for specific information and say it back to me. The step is communication. I do not have to keep repeating the same things and getting what I have always gotten.

What exactly is the crazy train? The crazy train for me is getting information and allowing it to consume me to the point of running through several scenarios of that information and choosing one to be the truth. The fact is all I have done is magnified the negativity of such that the truth is distorted. In other words, I have created a lie and believe it.

I put the change to this in effect over the weekend. I was emotional and realized, maybe I needed someone else to hear what my mind was saying so I wouldn’t be so crazy.

Even crazier, is people have been telling me over the years I have done this, and I refused to believe them. The thought to change my pattern happened, when I caught myself doing it.

The symptoms start with the emotional roller coater we take on. We start having conversations in our head with people who have no clue we are even talking to them. We take our distorted pictures and thoughts for truth. We make decisions based on the lies we believe. We are doing ourselves and others a great disservice when we act in this way. It does nothing to help the situation at hand, when we carry on in negativity.

Looking back on the conversation that took place, I was not put down or made to feel stupid. In fact, I already felt that way from what I was doing to myself before the phone call. The person heard me and spoke gentle.

They also admitted they didn’t know for sure on certain facts and didn’t have all the answers. That’s okay even if the person doesn’t have the answers. At least I could slow down and hear the truth. They were able to help me as far as they had the ability too and as far as I was willing to listen.

As much as negativity can have a domino effect, I believe positivity does as well. It is trusting the process and being willing to put ourselves out there. Each step into change makes room for more changes. It’s definitely not easy, but it is simple if I just listen to myself, God, and others.

This is BoxcarMike, let’s take good care of ourselves and help others. We Might just be a blessing to someone else.

Thanks for reading!

The Journey Begins

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments

Thanks for joining me!

2778852walking home.jpg The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.  Ernest Hemingway

I don’t know where exactly to begin.  I am in the middle of trying to revive some life  back into myself, while opening myself up at the same time. I am on a journey and have been for some time now.  My life is forever changing and yet I feel the brokenness of my soul so heavy.

I claim to be a writer and to be able to paint pictures with my words. The pictures I have inside myself are not so pretty. I fell hard while trying to do this life by myself. I fell emotionally and spiritually. As a result I am starting to feel bankrupt emotionally and spiritually.

I have no words of wisdom nor can I fix anything on my own. I can only share my journey and walk with you, my friends, and family.

The reviving started tonight I have friends in my life that will say the words I need to hear out of nowhere.  Someone mentioned BoxcarMike !  Bam… BoxcarMike was reborn and starting fresh. This is how this blog was born. I did not know how badly I needed a fresh breath of air.

I have to remind myself just because we get a fresh of breath air doesn’t mean we can ignore the past or shut the door on it. I cannot afford to live in fear or hide away.  In fact it means facing things head on and repairing what I can along the way. Our choices affect everything and all of those around us. My life cannot be lived alone on an island.

My life is more than just about putting down drugs and alcohol though its been some years now since picking up , sometimes the true recovery begins when our eyes are opened.  When the pain gets real and has gone deep; no matter how you didnt mean to cause more pain and wreckage, its done even clean and sober.

Its going to take time to really be there with others and stop avoiding the issues at hand. I want to be there for others give the smile they need. The encouragement and be a living example of what it means to be on this journey.

While I feel I have lost myself in my emotional turmoil and chaos I created. The only place I know to start is at the beginning. Its time to face me I stopped facing me some time after the first of the year with good intentions and well wishes.  There’s a jumping off point and I was real close once more.

I can’t afford to jump off and lose my sobriety and clean time. Its been 14 1/2 years and I won’t pick up for no one or anything. My world will never be the same. I say that a lot and it is the truth.

I hope to share more about BoxcarMike his story (my story) is filled with humor sadness growth and determination. I battle with hard times and depression, as a lot of folks do.  But somewhere inside me I believe in waiting til the miracle happens. Sometimes we have to be our own miracle and push through.

The blog is new but I may reuse some pics and content from some of my previous blogs.

I hope you have enjoyed reading and continue to do so. Thanks BoxcarMike