Facing Everything and Recovering This Too Shall Pass

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Hi Everyone and Welcome! 

 I have been more than a few days and once again, I am switching gears. 

We will get back to the 4th step, just not right now. 

This week is a busy week and I hope to try to stay current in my writing. It is important for me to write even if it is not always the best writing. It is what helps keep me sane, it does help me process, and I hear it even helps others. 

In the past week, I have mourned over a friend who died. I have been dealing with physical and my own emotional issues as well. 

We all have been dealing with the pandemic and the ramifications of everything to do with it. I know you are sick of hearing about it, as well as myself. I do not want to have to deal with it another day, but that’s not reality. 

It is the suggestion of everything for most of us. For others, it is not that simple. They are facing it head-on. God Bless each one of you. 

I have learned a few things about myself this week. It is important to have the schedule and stick to it. It is the small stuff that trips me up. The reason being when it is small stuff, it adds up and becomes overwhelming.  

For me personally, when I am overwhelmed I have a habit of just staying in bed, not answering the phone, and doing anything I can to avoid the pain. While this is not new to me; it is something I acknowledge. I will not let it remain this way, because after a while there are repercussions of avoiding.  

Inevitably, it is all got to be faced and dealt with. I cannot do this by myself. It is imperative that I have help from others and a power greater than myself. 

I must believe in hope. Without hope, I will perish. I die inside each time I start to give up and say no to those things that would aid in me being able to flourish. 

It goes back to our thoughts, self-talk, and mindset. I am having to ask God to help me change each of these. 

Throughout the day, I have found me yelling at myself to stop it! Then the next breath,  Devil you are a liar and only God’s Word is true.  

This has been my experience. Sometimes it is easier than other times to stay on top of this 

It has been difficult as usual to stay in contact with people who are good for me as well. I must do it and start being consistent with to not be defeated. 

The pain gets real without taking steps to take care of myself. The willingness to go forward means facing it all, feeling it all, and still take responsibility for taking care of myself, the best that I am able. 

It means making those lists and checking them off as I do each thing.  

I hope my actions in writing prove my willingness and consistency. This has been a big challenge I hope to change in. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

 

 

 

 

Step Four A Vigorous Course Of Action

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Hello Everyone! 

I have returned as promised. I am just a little later in the day than last time.  

I am going to recap a bit on what we last discussed and that defining the difference between facts and feelings. I also went in to how that works when implementing a Twelve Step Program into your life as I and countless others have done. 

We only reached as far as the Step 3 and now we are ready to go into how Step 4 should look like and remembering to keep to the facts. That is not to say feelings will not come up. 

Most definitely feelings will come up and what a great tool for dealing with those feelings such as Step 4. We cannot do these steps alone. We will inevitably run onto trouble if we do. We run risk the chance of not being honest mostly with ourselves and God, but others too. 

It is recommended doing this with a sponsor or clergyman. However, it can be with anyone other than a spouse or significant other. This could cause further damage to an already injured party. 

We do not get to relieve ourselves at someone else’s expense. It is just not recovery or even trying to build any life focused, if that is what we do. 

It is helpful to start with a prayer asking God to help us list everyone we can think of we resent.  

We start with making four columns and the first column we start with the heading “I Resent:” and work down that first column. In that column only we list everyone everything or institution we resent until we have listed everything.  

We only must deal with this column only today. This way we can finish the column and not be tempted to just jump over and start writing out casus and blow everything up before we even get started.  

We are only responsible for our own recovery and all we have is today. It is good to make notes also, but we deal only with this column. 

I keep repeating myself because I, myself need things repeated constantly. I hate it and need it both. 

I am one who easily sees the shiny objects in the middle of something important such as starting out on the vigorous course of action. It is important that my attention be gotten a hold of, so I stick close to the task at hand. 

Repetition helps me remember things even if I do not like what I am having to sift through now. This is a fact-finding process which undoubtedly brings up plenty of feelings.  

However, feelings do not get us close to a solution, but they do explain our reasoning and thought process and help us come to an admission of sorts. 

Who or what do we resent? Who or what makes us grind our teeth or spit nails? 

That is what this column is all about. Keeping it inside is only going to keep us sick.  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Real Recovery With Facts Not Feelings

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Hi Everyone!

I really want to start out today with The Serenity Prayer My Way: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. May I do thy will always. Amen.”

Thank goodness for the tools to work with, to help ourselves be more genuine. Even when we may seem or even in fact, we are unwilling to do what is in front of us, there are seeds being planted.

Obviously, I am not going to do His Will always. But I can put it out there as my mission to do so. I need that spiritual connection and I believe the only way to achieve that is by being as close to who I was created to be.

The first part is knowing who I am in this exact moment, right now. It’s not about who I hope to be, or what I aspire to be, or what others want for me, or even what I want. Its who I am right now. Each of us must answer this for our own self.

There are 3 facts that have become a saying recovery:

I cannot, He can, I think I will let Him! Every day I make this choice by my actions in living.

There is a magic word in there I used. Facts are the reality and it is not about feelings. We soon learn we must define each and not confuse the two. They are not the same and we often confuse feelings for facts.

I still do this often and it takes talking to someone and often it is a lot like being talked down from a ledge. Because when we live life by feelings, the insanity has returned, or it never left.

You see the part of I cannot, really means I make the admission my life is in shambles and I am insane. The He can part, is understanding God can fix things with our cooperation of course and we can be returned to that of a sound mind.

The I will let Him part, is deciding to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is where we begin asking God to direct our thoughts at the start of our day.

It is a daily process and a choice to make each day. I am reminding myself of this very fact. None of us are immune to the ugliness we can feel and let that start directing our day which will end in disaster if we let it.

We are asking God to help us throughout the day first by directing our thoughts. Then we ask for help as too not to add to the wreckage we have already done.

We are taught that if we screw it up, we correct our deeds as soon as possible. Delay may mean we never make it right. It is all about us sweeping our side of the street. What others say, do, or think, is none of our business.

These are the facts in how recovery should work. I am certain we all have our variations.

While we are not cookie cutter human beings or spiritual beings even, the process is still the same.

Stay tuned until next time, as I describe the inventory process and fact-finding results and what it all means. What exactly is that process all about.

We cannot do it all on our own we need help. We are not alone today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Gotta Keep Picking Myself Up I’ll Be Okay

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Hello Everyone! 

 It’s been another long lapse in time since I last blogged.  I do want to be better at time management and being more consistent in writing.  

This week kas been a continuance from the weekend of remembering my dad’s celebration of life and some other memorials throughout my life.  

My assignment has been to feel the feelings. It really sucks to feel the feelings when dealing with grief and other unpleasant emotions. 

I am dealing with my own sickness and even the soul sickness. 

Some might be wondering what a real soul sickness is exactly.  

For me the soul sickness is my disease in my own head that is so self-judgmental in telling me, I don’t have a right to continue to grieve. I have had several other people die in a short time that have touched my life in one way or another. 

The pandemic has magnified a lot of it too, I will also grant that as true.  

On bright side note I will also state I had one full week of not feeling any kind of depression.  

The past 3 days have been jumping through hoops to get things doneI just fall into bed after a day is done. 

I am horrible at follow through even when its for the good of my health and well-being and having to do the pleasant voice act for professional phone calls make me want to scream. 

But I managed to schedule a doctor’s appointment, scheduled a pickup for delivery return, and dropped off a return. I have been playing mix and match with my prescriptions so the right ones get ordered. 

I have not kept up again with family and friends, but the truth is I am feeling fragile. After having to get out yesterday, had me feeling I was going to collapse at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my apartment. 

While a lot of this is just ordinary everyday stuff to toggle through and work out it is exactly the stuff that breaks us. This is known as the small stuff and it’s hard to do, when you’re not sure how much more you can handle. 

To think about self-care in this position is about rest, eating, drinking fluids, taking medications, and my sarcastic side says yes! sometimes getting through by prayer and medication.  

Self-care includes those ten-minute breaks of crying, even though it feels like hours.  

A big misconception seems to be that one is weak for crying. While I do feel weak for crying; I know today that is untrue. 

The pandemic itself has brought on many changes and in some cases, it has taken away a few choices. It sure has brought old and new grief, both. 

Grief makes everything come to the surface. Especially, my fears.  This now becomes a faith walk. I must find gratitude to combat the fear. Some days are easier than others. 

I promised someone I was going to blog Sunday; it is now Wednesday evening. I guess better late than never. 

  1. I am grateful to push through and get several things completed. 
  1. I am grateful for friends to reach out to. 
  1. I am grateful for guidance. 
  1. I am grateful for well wishes and prayers said for me. 
  1. I am grateful even if I am late, I am walking through and feeling the feelings. 
  1. I am grateful I can make this blog entry today. 
  1. I am grateful to have made doctor’s appointments. 
  1. I am grateful for not giving up and throwing in the towel. 
  1. I am grateful to be trying to be less judgmental of myself. 
  1. I am grateful I can stay inside the next several days. I don’t have to get over heated. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Happy Mother’s Day Mama and All Moms

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Hi Family and Friends,

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers! This most importantly to all of you where you gave birth or stepped in to be the caring one for any child. To be a stepmother, foster mother adoptive mother, or plain mom to anyone.

Some of us are blessed more than once and have had multiple moms along the way. I am so grateful for the ones I have. But I am especially grateful for my Mama. I gave her plenty of reason to give up on me more than once she never did.

She just found more love and forgiveness. We have had to mend fences along the way, but she has showered me with love and grace.

I am especially proud of my Mama because, she has learned the value of taking a stand when need be and not be a doormat. She is strong and able. She finds time for everyone she loves. She asks for nothing but love and grace back.

She has fed the hungry and been there to help. She is content in plenty and when there has been a lack of things needed. She truly lives on her faith in God and believing the best about others.

When she wants to bless you, she does not just say it with words. She shows you.

white petaled flowers

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She has been a caretaker for her husband whom she loves more each day. She loves who she loves and will not apologize for it. What is more no one should ever ask her to.

My Mama, she has had to fight for things but only out of love. She is sweet, caring, and nurturing.

My mama believes in having a plan taking her time and doing anything right the first time. She also believes in a learning curve too; I think that is where she learned grace the most.

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She and my dad adopted me in my teens, and I think their family and friends must have asked; are you crazy?

My Mama has been patient and kind that is just her nature. She loves her coffee and quiet time. Please let her have it. Without it she could lose to an unbelievably bad day. I wish I would have understood that more growing up but often I was selfish.

She is just the closest thing to perfect I have ever known. This includes even the times I was not happy and did not always have a kind word for her. She was still graceful and forgiving.

Perhaps the most graceful time I ever saw her was one moment a very lovely bride to my dad for almost 43 years to becoming a widow and figuring out her life from there.

She reinvented herself and carried on their shared business. She signed up for college and traveled all over. She helped teach English as a second language.

She has done different kinds of ministry with videoing and crafty type stuff. She has fed all kinds of people and prayed with many.

She met the next love of her life whom she already knew. They had been friends for years even with my dad.

Since then she has been on journey and not always joyful but full of faith. The two have them have made it for a long while now after being married.

It wonderful to see her tenacity and true to her vows when they married.

I think her walk has just made her that much more graceful and loving.

I love you Mama!

Thank for reading!

This has been a testament to my Mama by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Checking Off Our Needs List And Reality

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Hi Family and Friends,

Today’s writing and points to ponder would be based on several questions I keep asking myself about other people. Without further explanations I will start listing the questions.

  1. Do I believe the best about a person?
  2. Do I believe the worst about a person?
  3. Is it easier to believe the or the worst about someone?
  4. What is my track record for believing about a person?
  5. Why is it easier one way or the other and how does it apply here?
  6. How much history do I have with the person in question?
  7. If I have a negative fact with this person can I forgive it and move on with this person?
  8. Can we both still have our needs met in the arrangement we have with one another?
  9. Will I be hurting this person by asking for my needs to be met?
  10. Will I be hurting myself by not getting my needs met?

This is like a mini inventory of questions; I need to ask myself when I start feeling guilty. Not everything is my fault when something negative happens.

As someone in recovery I can be honest and tell you both in recovery and out of recovery I have made bad choices. The difference is I try to fix them today if they are truly mine to fix.

It means taking responsibility for my side of the street. Because I have been in the wrong so many times, I am willing to believe the worst about others. I also take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility.

Sometimes it is hard for me to separate the friendship part of a work type relationship and let them know my needs. I have also been guilty of asking too much of just true friends.

Somewhere in the middle is a balance and learning to work it out peacefully in this messy world.

It is never okay to let oneself off the hook for wrongs done. We still have the responsibility for clearing away the wreckage. We also must realize what is not our responsibility and not let it hook us like a fish.

That can be manipulation. That is why questions are always needed to check our motives.

Once we know better, we can do better. I am a believer in that choice.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful I do not want to intentionally hurt others today.
  2. I am thankful for choices today.
  3. I am thankful I want clear motives today.
  4. I am thankful I feel a relationship with God being restored.
  5. I am thankful I can be honest today.
  6. I am thankful for friends and professionals helping me.
  7. I am thankful I can help others.
  8. I am thankful I see the difference between needs and wants.
  9. I am thankful I can share part of me today and be real.
  10. I am thankful for me not giving up today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Truth Shall Set You Free

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Hi Family and Friends,

Its great to be able to reach you all today. I hope what I share today has value and helps even one person besides myself.

A lot of stuff I have shared this week, I have shared before. Maybe not as truthful and maybe not with me taking more personal responsibility. I think it all deals with the personal relationships and spiritual connection.

For me for years I have just grieved and grieved and not healed. Today I am healing and working to get some where in the grieving process. It becomes an honor and not just pain, but real love.

I do not know why it takes almost 40 or 50 years to say I was wrong.

Believe me when I say this there are times there are no second chances.

All we can do is clean our side of the street when those times happen. It is a continual process of living out amends to others. I do not give up hope, but there are times I am worn down. I do feel like I have given up at times, but somehow, I just keep getting back up and say okay, we can do this.

That somehow, is God, friends, and family. I am not alone in anything I do. But I will say that at times, it feels alone. How selfish to think so though?

Because of others, the chance to look at, and say the truth today, I am given many opportunities for growth. I do not always take every opportunity, but I am given them regardless.

There are times I do get stuck and feel like I will never be able to climb out of the dark hole. It is a little more bearable today than what it was. I am content with most things in my life and see some hope ahead today.

I will get better at some things, but I doubt I will do anything perfectly.

I promised myself I would at least make progress on honoring my dad and get things more ready for his spot in my apartment. I stuck to that promise and transplanted a peace lily plant into a bigger planter.

I have a picture of my dad printed out. I am still decluttering my apartment, to make it easier to live in. So progress is the key. Years ago, I was more of a hoarder while today its just getting of a few junky items.

I can be happy about that today.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for the ability to see growth in myself.
  2. I am thankful for God, friends, and family.
  3. I am thankful for ways to make myself follow through today.
  4. I am thankful for the ways of nature and that some things are just natural.
  5. I am thankful for fellow writers and bloggers.
  6. I am thankful for friends I have made from professional helpers in my life.
  7. I am thankful I am still here to tell my stories.
  8. I am thankful I do not need anyone’s approval today or their permission for me to be human.
  9. I am thankful for being able to still smell rain at times.
  10. I am thankful for everything beautiful

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering Family And Lamenting Over How It Was

 

Hi Family and Friends!

I never know what its truly going to be about here in this blog entry until I start typing or pecking away as the case may be.

I mourn a lot about how things once were and how much I have taken for granted over the years.

I have talked about wanting a life plan and trying to take responsibility for my life today.

There is much more to write about why that is important to me today. I grieve over the past with my family and wishing I had treated them warmer and held them more closely than I did.

Nothing has driven the point home more clearly about how I have treated people than living through this pandemic and knowing I cannot be close to family and certain others.

A lot of that is due to how I have treated them and, in some cases, acted as if they did not exist. I really thought that at the time it was about me just hiding inside myself afraid to be present because I did not want to get knocked down

Like it or not, we did that a lot in our family with plain sarcasm or snide remarks. I played in that part. I wish to God I could take it all back and would have been more loving or only plain showed up!

I am lamenting some here over my family and what was and is no longer.

Its priceless when I get to text with my brother and mom. I love them both and their new lives.  I miss my brother’s family and I wish I could give my nephew that hug and share with him about the great things about our family.

The great things are we were all hard workers we grew a garden together. We never hired anyone to fix things we could do ourselves. Some things we just learned as we went.

We did family celebrations. We went to church together. Some where in there was love and I ran away from it many times. I wish I could take back the day when my sister tried to comfort me as we made the choice to let my dad just go peacefully.

I pushed her hand away not because I was rejecting her but because I was trying to ask a question. She never knew that. I never explained it.

I love them all more than anything, but I am not sure we could spend more than a day together at a time.

Just a quick note my dad was going to die no matter what and, in the end, he died on his own terms. I choose to see it that way.

I am writing and confessing this because, there are others out there and you want your family to take all the blame. At one time, before I made peace with my parents, I wanted them to take all the blame.

I will say this because of grace, humility, love, forgiveness, and peace that passes all understanding; I got to love my dad, and my dad got to love me before he died.

Because of this, I also get to love my mom and mom loves me today.

We have a big family there fore I will always have a long way to go in making those lifelong amends.

The other side of the coin for me is I did not know how to be family and I still do not know how. It is just one day at a time. For everything there is a season.

I was told long ago one day you are going to miss this and never get it back. I did not believe them. I wish I had.

I will close with this verse which is appropriate from the Holy Scriptures:

Ecclesiastes 3 English Standard Version (ESV)

A Time for Everything

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

How Will I Work A Life Plan?

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Hi Everyone,

I took part of the day listening to podcasts, sermons and reading blog entries of others and doing my own research.

What I am writing today is not fair to even say that I have a plan to plan out my life.

What was interesting was to see how everything flowed together in some fashion.

I started reading a blog entry that talked about a life plan. It is most important to have a life plan to be successful. We all want to have a favorable memory left behind when our lives end here on earth.

I was really turned off by the blogger, mainly because he had his course email sign up not once but twice on the front of the blog, which made me clear them twice. This was before I could even read the content he was providing.

I like the idea of living life on purpose.

You can live your life on purpose. It begins by creating a “Life Plan.” This won’t insulate you from life’s many adversities and unexpected twists and turns, but it will help you become an active participant in your life, intentionally shaping your own future. Michael Hyatt

  1. 1. God
  2. Self
  3. Health
  4. Growth
  5. Rest
  6. Family
  7. Friends
  8. Writing
  9. Finances
  10. What kind of ministry or help I could be?

 The above are items to consider in my life plan.

The thing is, I am not so positive all the time. On any given day Id do my best to talk myself or anyone out of doing a life plan. I sure did not get negative overnight and I am not going to be Mary Poppins either.

That is why I think the second sermon I listened to on living out your faith was so important and interestingly flowed in today.

It was my pastor friend I listened to and I miss him a lot.

It reminded me of a few things in fact:

I do not want to be foolish and silly thinking I can do this life without God.

  1. I need to be able to ask God and others questions I have.
  2. Everyone needs a team of people not just one or two.

We cannot allow ourselves to get so bogged down in planning our life either. We do Have to live life and as most of my friends say, we insist on enjoying life.

In the coming days, I hope to have more to write on this subject.

10 Things I am Thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for a breath of fresh air.
  2. I am thankful for wisdom.
  3. I am thankful for a loving God as I always say even when I can be most unlovable.
  4. I am thankful for the strength to get through today.
  5. I am thankful for good gifts from God and that I may take what he gives me and grow.
  6. I am thankful for supportive friends and family.
  7. I am thankful for my Pastor Friend this one really brings tears of joy.
  8. I am thankful for the chance to live out faith.
  9. I am thankful we can be silly even as tension rises.
  10. I am thankful for anyone reading.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

What Will I Do Until The End

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Hi Everyone,

I am glad to be on my second day of writing.  I am hoping to make some sense and to grow into a human being that isn’t just sucking life’s air.  I have been in some type of recovery, for what feels like my whole life. I just want to do my best today and maybe have a plan with reasonable goals.

This journey as I have said before, is messy at best. I do some how keep getting up and pushing forward. I figure my life span is somewhere between 7 and 20 years left. I hope I will have left a legacy somehow, even without having children of my own.

I don’t want the end of my life to be just a few words and then finished. Otherwise then it would seem it was just a prison sentence, right?

A book is not quite enough either. I think it must be real changes and hard work.

The challenges before me are difficult. Its physical, emotional, and spiritual. It’s more than any song. It’s more than weeping bitter-sweet.

It’s about taking my thoughts captive and taming my tongue and flesh. Its trusting in God and allowing Him to take control when I am strong or weak.

The questions I now must answer are:

  1. What are my goals?
  2. What makes me happy?
  3. Where is God at in my life?
  4. Is God evident to others in how I am living?
  5. What is my responsibility today?
  6. Can I or have I truly let go of past hurts and wounds?
  7. What can I do in helping others mend?
  8. Have I stopped hurting and wounding others?

I must find these answers inside myself. We do have to ask ourselves the hard questions to be totally open and honest. Otherwise, there is no solid foundation.

Some days I feel like I am adrift much the way in the movie, Castaway with Tom Hanks and Wilson.  I don’t want my life to end just barely keeping my head above water.

I know there’s life out there. I want to show I have lived and left something good behind. I used to think I knew what that something is.

I am not so sure I know anymore. I am going to have to dig and see what I can come up with. I hope you continue to see me on my journey.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for my life and the ability change.
  2. I am thankful for everyone who is and has been a part of my life.
  3. I am thankful for the time to write.
  4. I am thankful for honesty from others and that I get to be honest with myself today.
  5. I am thankful for medical transporters, EMT’s, home health aides, doctors, nurses, custodians, truckers, teachers, fast food workers, store associates, policemen, firemen, correction officers, therapists, and all of whom are taking risks to be of service.
  6. I am thankful for solitude verses loneliness.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to contemplate what the rest of my life might look like.
  8. I am thankful for siblings.
  9. I am thankful for my mom and her husband.
  10. I am thankful for mercy and grace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!