Checking Off Our Needs List And Reality

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Hi Family and Friends,

Today’s writing and points to ponder would be based on several questions I keep asking myself about other people. Without further explanations I will start listing the questions.

  1. Do I believe the best about a person?
  2. Do I believe the worst about a person?
  3. Is it easier to believe the or the worst about someone?
  4. What is my track record for believing about a person?
  5. Why is it easier one way or the other and how does it apply here?
  6. How much history do I have with the person in question?
  7. If I have a negative fact with this person can I forgive it and move on with this person?
  8. Can we both still have our needs met in the arrangement we have with one another?
  9. Will I be hurting this person by asking for my needs to be met?
  10. Will I be hurting myself by not getting my needs met?

This is like a mini inventory of questions; I need to ask myself when I start feeling guilty. Not everything is my fault when something negative happens.

As someone in recovery I can be honest and tell you both in recovery and out of recovery I have made bad choices. The difference is I try to fix them today if they are truly mine to fix.

It means taking responsibility for my side of the street. Because I have been in the wrong so many times, I am willing to believe the worst about others. I also take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility.

Sometimes it is hard for me to separate the friendship part of a work type relationship and let them know my needs. I have also been guilty of asking too much of just true friends.

Somewhere in the middle is a balance and learning to work it out peacefully in this messy world.

It is never okay to let oneself off the hook for wrongs done. We still have the responsibility for clearing away the wreckage. We also must realize what is not our responsibility and not let it hook us like a fish.

That can be manipulation. That is why questions are always needed to check our motives.

Once we know better, we can do better. I am a believer in that choice.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful I do not want to intentionally hurt others today.
  2. I am thankful for choices today.
  3. I am thankful I want clear motives today.
  4. I am thankful I feel a relationship with God being restored.
  5. I am thankful I can be honest today.
  6. I am thankful for friends and professionals helping me.
  7. I am thankful I can help others.
  8. I am thankful I see the difference between needs and wants.
  9. I am thankful I can share part of me today and be real.
  10. I am thankful for me not giving up today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Hope So We Don’t Give Up

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Hi Family and Friends,

Each time I get at the keyboard to really be determined to follow through, my writing seems to be directed. Its like I get a slight clue and feels uncertain until it hits home.

I knew the title would be something about being under construction. Sometimes I feel like I need to wear a sign saying I am under construction or, I am just a work in progress. I also think it would be easier if others wore their signs too!

Wouldn’t it be easier, if we knew exactly who it was that lost hope, I mean has no hope left? To really know what that looks like.

I have lived through a few times where I felt I lost all hope. However, I made it through somehow. Evidently, I was able to hang on tighter. However, some people did not get that grip, they slipped, and they did not wake up today. They ran out of hope and they felt there was no one they could tell that to.

Their friends, colleagues, and loved ones are left behind grieving.

I have found I am judgmental of other people. I have a history with accusing others of being judgmental of me. It is one of those areas in my life that still needs work.

I have always figured others, must have it easier. But this is not the case. Its because of judgments like this it makes it even harder for others. That is the truth that I have found.

However, on personal experiences it is hard for everyone.

On the slippery slope of depression no one is immune to it. The sad part is in depression we become much more selfish in ways, if we were in a right mind, we would never treat others the way we do.

In the progression of this writing I am broken hearted. I think it is selfish for me to be broken hearted.

The sad part is a well-known pastor left behind his family with lots of questions, I am sure.

No one has it all together. We all make mistakes and we will make ourselves pay for those mistakes the rest of our lives; or we will let them take our lives from us.

I can only imagine a fraction because none of us know what the final snap was. I have been suicidal before and yet I am still alive. Therefore, I cannot fully know how someone feels, who follows through successfully, in taking their own life.

I do not know if reading this sometime later, will help me in my own times of depression. I can only say this is my way of dealing with something I find tragic and finite.

I guess I would hope that if dealing with someone suicidal, I would get in the way of any plan of ending their own life I could and help them find hope. That is not always possible. The truth is, as people we hide a lot.

My prayer is that God’s peace holds these people together that are truly the ones left behind.

My memory of the one person I mention, is how much he believed in the God of the Fatherless. That they finally be fathered, so that they can be the fathers, they were created to be.

How tragic this is, above all on Mother’s Day Weekend. God’s peace that passes all understanding, to his wife and children.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Will I Do Until The End

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Hi Everyone,

I am glad to be on my second day of writing.  I am hoping to make some sense and to grow into a human being that isn’t just sucking life’s air.  I have been in some type of recovery, for what feels like my whole life. I just want to do my best today and maybe have a plan with reasonable goals.

This journey as I have said before, is messy at best. I do some how keep getting up and pushing forward. I figure my life span is somewhere between 7 and 20 years left. I hope I will have left a legacy somehow, even without having children of my own.

I don’t want the end of my life to be just a few words and then finished. Otherwise then it would seem it was just a prison sentence, right?

A book is not quite enough either. I think it must be real changes and hard work.

The challenges before me are difficult. Its physical, emotional, and spiritual. It’s more than any song. It’s more than weeping bitter-sweet.

It’s about taking my thoughts captive and taming my tongue and flesh. Its trusting in God and allowing Him to take control when I am strong or weak.

The questions I now must answer are:

  1. What are my goals?
  2. What makes me happy?
  3. Where is God at in my life?
  4. Is God evident to others in how I am living?
  5. What is my responsibility today?
  6. Can I or have I truly let go of past hurts and wounds?
  7. What can I do in helping others mend?
  8. Have I stopped hurting and wounding others?

I must find these answers inside myself. We do have to ask ourselves the hard questions to be totally open and honest. Otherwise, there is no solid foundation.

Some days I feel like I am adrift much the way in the movie, Castaway with Tom Hanks and Wilson.  I don’t want my life to end just barely keeping my head above water.

I know there’s life out there. I want to show I have lived and left something good behind. I used to think I knew what that something is.

I am not so sure I know anymore. I am going to have to dig and see what I can come up with. I hope you continue to see me on my journey.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for my life and the ability change.
  2. I am thankful for everyone who is and has been a part of my life.
  3. I am thankful for the time to write.
  4. I am thankful for honesty from others and that I get to be honest with myself today.
  5. I am thankful for medical transporters, EMT’s, home health aides, doctors, nurses, custodians, truckers, teachers, fast food workers, store associates, policemen, firemen, correction officers, therapists, and all of whom are taking risks to be of service.
  6. I am thankful for solitude verses loneliness.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to contemplate what the rest of my life might look like.
  8. I am thankful for siblings.
  9. I am thankful for my mom and her husband.
  10. I am thankful for mercy and grace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

There’s More Than Enough To Go Around

Today I am writing from my heart from the weekend to present in reflection of my choices. 

There always begins a new theme as I reflect on my choices in this journey. I feel so deeply and find that I really want my passion for life to stay alive. I look at my friends and family. 

There’s so much to be grateful for and so much of life seems to be the push and pull at the same time.  

My one friend his words to me at the most horrifying and scariest moment of my life said… “It won’t always be this way.” I have had people say it since and you know what those words are to me now? Those are words of love and affirmation. 

The words are validation that I matter and everything eventually changes. 

When you’re on this journey there’s plenty of laughter, tears, and love. It’s letting go of the hatred. Holding on to love. 

Love comes in many different packages and it’s not always wrapped the way we think it should be. In accepting those gifts however, they may come gives us freedom and the person who gives, they get freedom as well. 

We get to reflect on memories and making new ones. We get a chance to roll with change no matter how scary and painful it may feel at times. 

Maybe for the first time I am recognizing I live alone; but I am never alone.  

Sometimes I am embarrassed for the way my life is and how it turned out. I get in self-pity. I am afraid to admit that sometimes because things just feel unfair. It really is a process. 

I told someone the other day, I realize I have rights but sometimes now I don’t always want to trump with my rights if it means giving up peace.  

Growing up, I always thought to that love was just peace, physical touch, hugs, and just reminding others with words. 

Today I know love is, a friend not letting you leave the house like a total slob. Love is sometimes being pushed out when it is so scary and you are begging them to please not make you go. 

Sometimes people have to move away and you are sad and you don’t want to watch them leave; but you stand there waving because they are the best gift that ever came into your life.  

You hit a midlife crisis thinking you can be a teenager and age finally sets in, and you realize you don’t want all the chaos. 

The afternoons or evening curled up with a book and a cup of coffee are the best times now. 

We let go of the negative things. We let go of the bad. It’s just a process and doesn’t happen overnight.  

We hold on to all the good and we pass it on. We walk each other home because finally we understand, there’s more than enough to go around.  

We try to not hurt ourselves or each other. We are not saints! We get a chance at freedom. Just for today. 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all everybody! 

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

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My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year. 

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow. 

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today. 

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward. 

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity.  It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak. 

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom. 

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better. 

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people. 

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.  

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.  

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others. 

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing. 

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019. 

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”  

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding. 

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.  

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface. 

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise. 

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.  

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible. 

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward. 

Goodbye 2019! 

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year! 

Changes In My Pathway By Doing Footwork

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This is an entry started weeks and weeks ago. 

I seem to get behind for one reason or another. Here I am trying my best today to find that conscious contact with God.  

About a month ago my mom was reminding me of my faith and as it related back to my teenage years with Christian Music Artists. Today I know my spirituality is on the same level as I have with tolerance. 

A lot of times my tolerance is out the window and I need those small reminders of prayers or music, to get me back on a spiritual plane. It even starts with the simple gratitude list. 

I wake up crabby and really need my coffee and quiet time. Some days it seems impossible to get. That is until I realize I can start my day over anytime I choose to. It means getting my head straight and thinking with right motives. 

Being restored to sanity through prayer and meditation can be done. But how willing am I to do that today? Sometimes it feels easier to scream at things and say how unfair things are, but I pay a high price to continue on as such. 

I have friends who remind me I am only as happy as I allow myself to be.  

To catch up to today I have done the 4th, 5th, 6th, step and I am now working on the 7th step. 

I won’t say I am proud of myself because that’s just too vain in my book. However, I am pleased I have worked this far.  

I woke up at 10 pm tonight to my helper-worker person saying something in a text. Instead of flippantly replying angrily. I found myself calling her and saying, “Help me understand.” This is not my behavior at all according to my records of communication. 

I have to believe there is a sovereign grace at work with in me when I choose to do the foot work. 

When I do the footwork, the teacher shows up and change happens. Unfortunately, in some cases I kind of was already written off by some and as I work further, I will make amends as necessary. 

I never see the changes until they have already begun. Others see changes in us usually way ahead of us. 

I found out Saturday I will lie about stuff if given the chance. But I also tell on myself after I have fixed it. It does not make it okay to lie. It is noteworthy so that I check myself at the time it happens, so I can change that behavior. 

I will repeat as I have said in other posts, we cannot do this thing alone. It is a program of action which enables us to change our behaviors, actions and reactions. The way we respond to situations makes the difference. 

A side note worth saying is, to not respond is a response. It’s all about self-parenting today. 

I am a horrible self-parent I will neglect my needs, health, sleep, discipline, and beat up on myself.  

Thankfully for the closed mouth people in my life today and a God of Love I can change. I don’t have to continue the same patterns. 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out! 

God Bless y’all Everybody! 

There Is A Way Of Changing Your Ending

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Hello Everyone! 

It’s great to be able to be back on a laptop even if temporarily, until I get one of my own. 

The past two weeks have thrown me with the laptop dying and a weeks’ worth of gatherings missed. I also am enduring a loss of my vehicle having to sell it. It’s a great loss to me and all of these things combined, haven’t exactly made me feel too spiritual.  

I am grateful for the lessons learned and it doesn’t mean I have to like the turn of events, rather I get to walk through them. 

I have mentioned the lack of gatherings and therefore I also have had a lack in remaining grateful in this walk. Consistency and gratitude are important in this journey.  

It takes walking through the valley to start climbing upward and I cannot do it alone, at any time. 

So far along this journey you all have been with me as I hit a snag after snag. I have had reasons for each one but now it’s time to push ahead so I don’t stay stuck.  

Part of not staying stuck means forgiving other people as I have been forgiven and even thanking people for their patience with me. I can’t stay in anger or allow it control me. I may have to feel the anger but it’s important I let it go even with some bitter tears as my heart breaks.  

The difference is now I have an answer to that heart break and I can change the end of that story. That’s a true gift given to me to change some of the endings, where I didn’t realize I had a choice before. My heart does not have to break.  

I honestly made a decision this afternoon to give up the anger forgive because the anger will kill me. (I’ve taken lots of breaks in writing this post entry). I even had to make a decision on two more losses this afternoon. I refuse to be angry over them. Moving forward is all that counts right now. 

I am going to keep doing the Gratitude Lists because they do keep me somewhat centered in today. Even as I write this one of those losses, I mentioned that happened this afternoon is coming back to me. So, it seems it is all in foot work. 

Yes, I do believe we have to write stuff out. I do believe we have to pray and meditate. Sometimes we have to share in a general way and share specifics in private.  

Even if we disagree with others, we need to hear them out. They just may have a solution.  

The sad stories we have can have happier endings if we are open enough to try. Many hugs, prayers, and love all go into my program. It’s not all blood, sweat, and tears. Not today, anyway.  

Before today I was not sure there was a way out. There is a way out and sometimes it means working your butt off and stepping back. When I freed the anger of one, I was able to go to someone else and say thank you for being patient with me these past couple of years to another and he said, peace brother! 

I wish peace to all of you as well.  

  • I am grateful for friends who tell me the truth.  
  • I am grateful for forgiveness and peace. 
  • I am grateful that right things get replaced and the things we must give up are done for our own best interest. 
  • I am grateful for being trusted today. 
  • I am grateful I am truly loved by others and that I am learning to love in the right ways. 
  • I am grateful that there is a way out and I don’t have to stay stuck.  
  • I am grateful to see the majestic clouds in the sky today 
  • I am grateful to just be a small part of this world. 
  • I am grateful for being able to take a step back and breathe. 
  • I am grateful for unity and the ability for being true to myself all in the process of letting go. It’s okay today. 

I especially want to thank my church people you know who you are and I hope those of you who read this pass this on to others who may not see it. I love you all. 

Thank you to all my readers. 

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all everybody! 

Everyday A Chance To Change My Story

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Good Morning Everyone,

I am a day behind and it’s okay. I will hopefully get caught up with a second posting this afternoon.

This morning I am sitting here drinking my coffee and listening to hymns by Selah and thinking about my morning gathering around the tables. How grateful and wonderfully awesome is the chance for change.

Everyday is the chance to change my story. I am thinking about the strength and hope others have given me, as well as them sharing their experience.

I know I am not sharing much about the book right now. Maybe my experience is just what’s important to share right now.

I have been considering the past few months, how far away I am from the God of my understanding and as I don’t understand Him. Please don’t try to correct me on this because, the God of my understanding tells me there is a mystery I don’t understand.

After all a power greater than me and an all-knowing presence …There has to be more than I understand or can ever comprehend. It’s the God connection that changes my story.

You can get as angry as you want, I am finally surrendering to the fact I can’t ever know all there is to this. I am not shoving it down your throat, this is my experience.

I am not sure I can ever go back to the child understanding of God. Each hymn takes me back to childhood part of me and it also raises inside of me, a belief stronger than I have had in maybe, years.

What? Am I supposed to leave this out of my experience, because it might make others uncomfortable? It’s part of my journey! Whether you realize it or not, all of you are part of my journey and so is every experience.

It’s all still piece-meal for me, accepting truths a little bit at a time.

What I do know is the simple part. Striving to wake up each morning and asking God to direct my thinking that I would not be sucked into self-pity or false pride. Asking for God for protection and care to keep me away from a drink.

I need help doing the next right thing, as well as what I can do for someone else.

Throughout the day asking God to help me pause in difficult times or when I am tempted to be angry saying the prayer to save me from being angry. Yes, there’s a lot I need saved from and it always seems to be, being broken down enough to ask for help.

I cannot do it on my own. By the same token though, no one can do the steps or the foot work for me.

It also means pausing before I speak or do anything. The three questions always to consider is it kind, is it necessary, and is it helpful.

At night remembering to go over my day would be key as well. Making sure I have corrected any wrong along the way. I am a slow learner at this. Then finally saying a prayer of thanks for one more day. The bottom line, if I do my part God can’t help but do His part.

We are now back at the beginning, where we started with the first 100 people. They each woke up each day, having the chance to change their story. Just for today I can do this with God and everyone else.

Thank you for reading! This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all!

To Thine Own Self Be True Always

Hi Everyone!

Today was a rather busy day. I first had to deal with medical and physical issues the first half of the day. It was one of those mornings where it was hard to get up on time. But I trudged through today.

I still read in my book. However, I feel it more important to share about my day, along the journey. Part of recovery is building friendships and being open to allow the day to unfold as it will. The friendship and fellowship are all part of staying connected.

I was so blessed today in a few ways just sharing with others in person. Being clean and sober is so much better when you can honestly share with others. We get to share and be as open as we want. I find sharing everything from the gut and where we honestly stand now, is so helpful in a way to remember to be grateful.

Once you have a few 24 hours under your belt you can even see in yourself some growth just by sharing. When you’re not down in the dumps and you can find that gratitude, you learn that you can be happy and celebrate with others, in their growth as well.

In the near half day mark, I took time to share with my driver and friend. Maybe I should say he took the time more so. It did help clarify things and though this person may not necessarily be at the gatherings, just having that human contact is helpful.

When I got sober the saying used to be to “wear life like a loose coat.”  Don’t take everything so serious. Especially, we shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously. The point is growth and we don’t have to be all doom and gloom.

After all part of recovery is learning to enjoy life and with a purpose. (Man, I hope I am hearing myself, right now!)

In the latter part of the afternoon, a friend came over she cut my hair and did a wonderful job. I didn’t have to explain much. But even doing stuff like this is like trusting people. Learning to trust each other is a gift. The chance to be trusted is also a gift. The great thing is we all share when you really become part of, rather than just being around.

This evening was even more special as my therapist came for a one on one time. If you’re anything like me, you need all the help you can get through therapy. I received my 15-year coin of sobriety. It meant so much to me that he presented it. I cannot wait to take it to my gatherings to pass it around the tables.

This therapist I have saw some of the me that used to be. He has also seen me through the years go through valleys and mountain tops. Tonight, I just needed the reminder I wasn’t alone. No matter how old we get and even though we know we aren’t alone, we just sometimes need that reminder.

Now that I have written it all out, I can see I had reminders all day. I was never alone. I am grateful for that today. To Thine Own Self Be True.

Thanks for reading. This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless y’all !

 

 

 

My Journey is About Progress Rather Than Perfection

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Hi Everyone!

I just have to keep writing. I couldn’t get what I wanted to write about into words. Instead, I am sharing my experience today. I want to be intentional and do better. I also want to be better.

I guess I am amazed because every time I think I am going to write on a subject, or use it to chair a meeting, it gets switched. Today I am not sure if it’s God or if I just let myself run out of time.

Maybe a bit of both happened. I am thinking God can use our weaknesses and make something beautiful out of it.

It was a really long day I was trying forever to get caught up on a few things. I also wanted to help someone else. I found myself being helped a lot too. What an amazing day, even though I could feel my energy just being drained.

It was time for my ride, and I felt so unprepared, but I grabbed my stuff and went out the door. I am very grateful for rides today. They help me stay connected. We also get time to share before and after each gathering.

Tonight, someone made me realize it was important to share my anniversary/birthday, even though it felt repetitious.

I also learned what I share matters. It can mean so much to someone relatively new, to know others have stayed clean and sober longer than twenty-four hours.

In spite of everything I have still grown, and someone’s been trying to get me to see that. Sure, maybe I have a lot of work still but compared to how I once was. I can put some words together and possibly say a prayer, and every once in a while, even pause.

I am not quitting on myself today. I want to keep going forward even when I get tired.

A long time ago a friend handed me a card with his phone number on it. On the back of the card, it read me, and my friends don’t hurt each other or ourselves today. We still learn today that we do sometimes hurt others and ourselves today.

We just try not to hurt ourselves or others today. I am guilty of both. I keep searching for the next right thing to do.

Sometimes the next right thing to do seems like a tall order this is why we need to stay connected. I can’t do it alone. I do have to do the work and the piper will come, if I ignore my behavior.

Part of what I can do is carry this part of the message and share my journey along the way as living amends. I cannot change without mending my ways. Finally, I just realized as I am writing this, it takes a lot of grace!

I do want to share with you there is a way out of our self-destructive, messed up ways. There is hope and we have to hang on to it and be willing to take the steps out of the insanity.

The last thing I want to say in this entry is that one day is just as important as someone who has 5, 10, or even 15 years. It works. We can start for hope’s door anytime we choose to.

Thank you for reading! As I’ve mentioned I have Facebook Page Boxcar Mike search for me on Facebook and if you want to be friends let me know on that page or drop a comment here and let me know your name. If you just add me without me knowing you, then I will suspect more spam.

This here Boxcar Mike, over and out! God bless y’all everybody!