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What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

A New Season It’s Time For Change

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone,

I cannot believe September is here. For me, it is a sign that the new season is upon us. I am ready to change some things around. I just told a friend in a message that I needed to remember I was alive.

September is when I start my season of gratitude as well. I start on it now in hopes of being able to continue in gratitude the whole year through.

September is the month to begin searching out chili recipes for sure. I also love the smell of spices and making a sweet aroma of spices in all my cooking and baking, I hope to be doing in this new season.

I love the smells of yesteryear also. I am forever trying to make chocolate chip cookies the exact way my mom does.

It is everything about those smells that reminds me of home, safety and feeling loved and a connection like I talked about in my last post. Having those memories of sight, touch, smell, and taste. That is what helps me connect inside to the real me and to pour out love in my heart to others.

It usually comes back a hundred times or more. Sometimes it is as simple as chicken noodle soup.

My nurse and friend Sarah came by today and she mentioned when we talk, she stays there for like a week. We connect so much it sends us into a time warp and finally remembering and rehashing without the woundedness.

My season is changing some as I heal physically. I believe healing is as much physical and spiritual. The emotional roller coaster never helps. But when you find some peace, it comes together I believe.

So, my way of entering this season is I signed up for a 2-month workshop on creative writing, in hopes to improve my writing skills and keep me accountable.

I mean as writers; we hold on to our first drafts like they are our babies.  We are afraid to prune and cut back. I want to always be improving and getting better at crafting my work.

The flip side of the coin is if we put out sucky pieces we are still writing. However, I want to do better than that. Its scary and humbling to admit I need to improve. This is my chance to change.

Change is the pathway to better things and reaching more people. My writing is healing for me. I told a friend even if I suck at the workshop at least I know I will have improved.

I do not believe change is possible without the spiritual part. Maybe that is why I believe it is all spiritual.

When I first took a leap of faith I thought, “Oh, I have arrived!” No, no I did not arrive. I arrived at writing maybe some paragraphs where the reader could follow.

I wanted everything handed to me because I had a message. But I did not have a voice, or a niche, or anything. I am still defining that here, years later.

Change is coming and it is time to stop living in doom and gloom, filled with apathy. I need to remind myself I am alive! Let us not forget who we are.

Thanks for reading!

This has been anther blogpost entry by Boxcar mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

How Do I Release Love And Let It Flow

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone,

Today I am posting in how I release love and let it flow through my passions.

The only way to release love is to have love. I believe you only possess love by experiencing love, in a way that has reached you to the core of your soul. I think its spiritual and in a way that is beyond mumbling the many eloquent words of a prayer or just seeing the sun rise and sunset.

Do not get me wrong. I believe prayer and meditation are important but again they come by experiencing true love.

The true love comes when you are touched to your core to finally reach outside of yourself and make it known you are searching and looking for ways to touch those that have that have touched you to your soul.

Maybe it is someone in your tribe. Maybe it is a stranger’s story.

Let me explain; I do believe in the divine. I believe in divine appointments. These appoint were spoken before the formation of this world its nothing can conjure up or make happen without the spiritual world working in it all.

In these appointments, two or more are touched and love takes effect.  It is in love we are found to our core and more layers of stuff comes from us and even healings of many types can or may happen.

We become more of our true selves and in that sense, we give love to our passions which in turn touch others to their core.

We are only vessel being used and yet heal also if we are willing to be that vessel.

The spiritual journey is not a head trip it happens when we take the action needed. We get a chance to change the negative cycles at work in us.

I have two passions and they include writing and baking. I have been asking myself what they have to with each other. The simple answer is love.

Inside each of us I believe is the desire to create but it only works when we trust The One Creator of us all.

One cliché line is that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. In this instance when the pupil is ready, he or she is ready to stop fighting everything, everyone, and even their self.

I am by no means there all the way. But I am dropping each rock of hardness along the way.

Maybe for the first time I can finally concede to the fact that peace of mind is not just a Mary Poppins fairy tale. It is attainable if we work towards and have an open mind and heart.

Love does win.

Yesterday, I celebrated 16 years of continuous sobriety and clean time.

There is no formula; it is just one day at a time. I want to live a real life today. I am finally reaching that goal as I put one foot in front of the other. This is as spiritual as I get.

I hope to meet many more I trudge this road! Let us not give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Making Life Simpler While Taking Action In Self-Care

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone!

I have been busy with many appointments and my day seems to end with me falling asleep in my recliner.

I am so grateful for the recliner my friend gave me. I love my rocker too, but the recliner is my salvation.

Today after some meandering through life and reading and researching ways to keep up with my passions in this journey, I wish to post on making life simpler while participating in self-care.

My self-care is not any cookie cutter version and will not even be like anyone else’s version, except to learn to go by a schedule and attempting more practice in decluttering.

It might be after 3 am in the morning but to be fair I piled myself into the recliner a bit before 4pm and woke up after 11pm. My emotions have been staying erratic and kept me high strung lately.

I find myself even projecting my expectations on others with out realizing it until way after the fact. I want and need to improve on not continuing to do that.

I really do love people deeply and see life as sacred. I want to see everyone healed but I want to heal me, so I can share of how I healed.

This life is so messy and broken. I want to hold myself up and show the world I am all better. I know the partial secret is gratitude. Part of my healing comes as I let the words flow out of me into this writing.

As with any healing though there is always more action to be done. Compliance has been almost like a dirty word in the past, but I am seeing it more of a bridge or pathway to healing now.

I think also it means stop debating things that really have no relevance or do not affect me. If someone wants to say the sun is purple so be it, smile and tell them to have a great day. Let us keep moving on.

Even if things do affect me, I must consider how much time I am willing to give to a conversation, so that it does not zap all my energy and time.

I often whisper to myself to let things go. The reason being to let things in and fester will only have negative results like a rise in my blood pressure. No argument is worth that today.

The other good thing to put into practice for myself is to have a starting time and an ending time on projects. Times can be adjusted but at least for me it is important to have guideline where I can implement one.

I am hoping all of this will help me, so not everything feels so overwhelming.

I also want to eventually start waiting until at least 6 am to get up, instead of so early in the morning as I have done for some time now.

The other result to hopefully happen is to start scheduling exercise instead of, just fitting it in my day.

I want quality time in everything I do today. I also know it will not happen overnight. However, just being willing to make some changes cannot hurt.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train personnel standing beside train

Photo by Mateusz Turbiu0144ski on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Facing Everything and Recovering This Too Shall Pass

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train with smoke

Photo by Gabriela Palai on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone and Welcome! 

 I have been more than a few days and once again, I am switching gears. 

We will get back to the 4th step, just not right now. 

This week is a busy week and I hope to try to stay current in my writing. It is important for me to write even if it is not always the best writing. It is what helps keep me sane, it does help me process, and I hear it even helps others. 

In the past week, I have mourned over a friend who died. I have been dealing with physical and my own emotional issues as well. 

We all have been dealing with the pandemic and the ramifications of everything to do with it. I know you are sick of hearing about it, as well as myself. I do not want to have to deal with it another day, but that’s not reality. 

It is the suggestion of everything for most of us. For others, it is not that simple. They are facing it head-on. God Bless each one of you. 

I have learned a few things about myself this week. It is important to have the schedule and stick to it. It is the small stuff that trips me up. The reason being when it is small stuff, it adds up and becomes overwhelming.  

For me personally, when I am overwhelmed I have a habit of just staying in bed, not answering the phone, and doing anything I can to avoid the pain. While this is not new to me; it is something I acknowledge. I will not let it remain this way, because after a while there are repercussions of avoiding.  

Inevitably, it is all got to be faced and dealt with. I cannot do this by myself. It is imperative that I have help from others and a power greater than myself. 

I must believe in hope. Without hope, I will perish. I die inside each time I start to give up and say no to those things that would aid in me being able to flourish. 

It goes back to our thoughts, self-talk, and mindset. I am having to ask God to help me change each of these. 

Throughout the day, I have found me yelling at myself to stop it! Then the next breath,  Devil you are a liar and only God’s Word is true.  

This has been my experience. Sometimes it is easier than other times to stay on top of this 

It has been difficult as usual to stay in contact with people who are good for me as well. I must do it and start being consistent with to not be defeated. 

The pain gets real without taking steps to take care of myself. The willingness to go forward means facing it all, feeling it all, and still take responsibility for taking care of myself, the best that I am able. 

It means making those lists and checking them off as I do each thing.  

I hope my actions in writing prove my willingness and consistency. This has been a big challenge I hope to change in. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

 

 

 

 

Step Four A Vigorous Course Of Action

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone! 

I have returned as promised. I am just a little later in the day than last time.  

I am going to recap a bit on what we last discussed and that defining the difference between facts and feelings. I also went in to how that works when implementing a Twelve Step Program into your life as I and countless others have done. 

We only reached as far as the Step 3 and now we are ready to go into how Step 4 should look like and remembering to keep to the facts. That is not to say feelings will not come up. 

Most definitely feelings will come up and what a great tool for dealing with those feelings such as Step 4. We cannot do these steps alone. We will inevitably run onto trouble if we do. We run risk the chance of not being honest mostly with ourselves and God, but others too. 

It is recommended doing this with a sponsor or clergyman. However, it can be with anyone other than a spouse or significant other. This could cause further damage to an already injured party. 

We do not get to relieve ourselves at someone else’s expense. It is just not recovery or even trying to build any life focused, if that is what we do. 

It is helpful to start with a prayer asking God to help us list everyone we can think of we resent.  

We start with making four columns and the first column we start with the heading “I Resent:” and work down that first column. In that column only we list everyone everything or institution we resent until we have listed everything.  

We only must deal with this column only today. This way we can finish the column and not be tempted to just jump over and start writing out casus and blow everything up before we even get started.  

We are only responsible for our own recovery and all we have is today. It is good to make notes also, but we deal only with this column. 

I keep repeating myself because I, myself need things repeated constantly. I hate it and need it both. 

I am one who easily sees the shiny objects in the middle of something important such as starting out on the vigorous course of action. It is important that my attention be gotten a hold of, so I stick close to the task at hand. 

Repetition helps me remember things even if I do not like what I am having to sift through now. This is a fact-finding process which undoubtedly brings up plenty of feelings.  

However, feelings do not get us close to a solution, but they do explain our reasoning and thought process and help us come to an admission of sorts. 

Who or what do we resent? Who or what makes us grind our teeth or spit nails? 

That is what this column is all about. Keeping it inside is only going to keep us sick.  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Real Recovery With Facts Not Feelings

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train under bridge on railway

Photo by Luciana Sena on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I really want to start out today with The Serenity Prayer My Way: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. May I do thy will always. Amen.”

Thank goodness for the tools to work with, to help ourselves be more genuine. Even when we may seem or even in fact, we are unwilling to do what is in front of us, there are seeds being planted.

Obviously, I am not going to do His Will always. But I can put it out there as my mission to do so. I need that spiritual connection and I believe the only way to achieve that is by being as close to who I was created to be.

The first part is knowing who I am in this exact moment, right now. It’s not about who I hope to be, or what I aspire to be, or what others want for me, or even what I want. Its who I am right now. Each of us must answer this for our own self.

There are 3 facts that have become a saying recovery:

I cannot, He can, I think I will let Him! Every day I make this choice by my actions in living.

There is a magic word in there I used. Facts are the reality and it is not about feelings. We soon learn we must define each and not confuse the two. They are not the same and we often confuse feelings for facts.

I still do this often and it takes talking to someone and often it is a lot like being talked down from a ledge. Because when we live life by feelings, the insanity has returned, or it never left.

You see the part of I cannot, really means I make the admission my life is in shambles and I am insane. The He can part, is understanding God can fix things with our cooperation of course and we can be returned to that of a sound mind.

The I will let Him part, is deciding to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is where we begin asking God to direct our thoughts at the start of our day.

It is a daily process and a choice to make each day. I am reminding myself of this very fact. None of us are immune to the ugliness we can feel and let that start directing our day which will end in disaster if we let it.

We are asking God to help us throughout the day first by directing our thoughts. Then we ask for help as too not to add to the wreckage we have already done.

We are taught that if we screw it up, we correct our deeds as soon as possible. Delay may mean we never make it right. It is all about us sweeping our side of the street. What others say, do, or think, is none of our business.

These are the facts in how recovery should work. I am certain we all have our variations.

While we are not cookie cutter human beings or spiritual beings even, the process is still the same.

Stay tuned until next time, as I describe the inventory process and fact-finding results and what it all means. What exactly is that process all about.

We cannot do it all on our own we need help. We are not alone today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Gotta Keep Picking Myself Up I’ll Be Okay

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments

red and black train

Photo by Tina Nord on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone! 

 It’s been another long lapse in time since I last blogged.  I do want to be better at time management and being more consistent in writing.  

This week kas been a continuance from the weekend of remembering my dad’s celebration of life and some other memorials throughout my life.  

My assignment has been to feel the feelings. It really sucks to feel the feelings when dealing with grief and other unpleasant emotions. 

I am dealing with my own sickness and even the soul sickness. 

Some might be wondering what a real soul sickness is exactly.  

For me the soul sickness is my disease in my own head that is so self-judgmental in telling me, I don’t have a right to continue to grieve. I have had several other people die in a short time that have touched my life in one way or another. 

The pandemic has magnified a lot of it too, I will also grant that as true.  

On bright side note I will also state I had one full week of not feeling any kind of depression.  

The past 3 days have been jumping through hoops to get things done. I just fall into bed after a day is done. 

I am horrible at follow through even when its for the good of my health and well-being and having to do the pleasant voice act for professional phone calls make me want to scream. 

But I managed to schedule a doctor’s appointment, scheduled a pickup for delivery return, and dropped off a return. I have been playing mix and match with my prescriptions so the right ones get ordered. 

I have not kept up again with family and friends, but the truth is I am feeling fragile. After having to get out yesterday, had me feeling I was going to collapse at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my apartment. 

While a lot of this is just ordinary everyday stuff to toggle through and work out it is exactly the stuff that breaks us. This is known as the small stuff and it’s hard to do, when you’re not sure how much more you can handle. 

To think about self-care in this position is about rest, eating, drinking fluids, taking medications, and my sarcastic side says yes! sometimes getting through by prayer and medication.  

Self-care includes those ten-minute breaks of crying, even though it feels like hours.  

A big misconception seems to be that one is weak for crying. While I do feel weak for crying; I know today that is untrue. 

The pandemic itself has brought on many changes and in some cases, it has taken away a few choices. It sure has brought old and new grief, both. 

Grief makes everything come to the surface. Especially, my fears.  This now becomes a faith walk. I must find gratitude to combat the fear. Some days are easier than others. 

I promised someone I was going to blog Sunday; it is now Wednesday evening. I guess better late than never. 

  1. I am grateful to push through and get several things completed. 
  1. I am grateful for friends to reach out to. 
  1. I am grateful for guidance. 
  1. I am grateful for well wishes and prayers said for me. 
  1. I am grateful even if I am late, I am walking through and feeling the feelings. 
  1. I am grateful I can make this blog entry today. 
  1. I am grateful to have made doctor’s appointments. 
  1. I am grateful for not giving up and throwing in the towel. 
  1. I am grateful to be trying to be less judgmental of myself. 
  1. I am grateful I can stay inside the next several days. I don’t have to get over heated. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!