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Storms Never Last Picking Up The Wreckage

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Hi Everyone!

I really appreciate everyone who reads my blog and I do not say it enough, so thank you.

One of my favorite songs is “Storms Never Last” by Jessi Colter

The first line of that song is “Storms never last, do they baby”

I imagine saying this to my younger self a lot as I am often at war with in myself.

How many of us will recognize that the war is not with anyone else; the war is with ourselves?

With others I must recognize, I did not create it, I did not cause it, and I sure cannot cure it.

However, when it comes to myself, I can usually see where I did create it, I did cause it and most of the problem goes away if I stop doing the things that landed me in such insanity. The other part comes in the form of making amends and swing who I have harmed along the way.

In the past I have just been a tornado in people’s lives. Its so good to have a tribe with me today. Even if we are not talking just sharing bits and pieces of ourselves on social media. I feel warmth of others today and need to reciprocate that back.

When I got to recovery, they told me pain was inevitable, but suffering was optional. I do not have to suffer today. I do not have to keep hurting myself either. That is insanity to keeping hurting yourself in recovery. I think it is clicking some.

My prayers are for God to heal me. But sometimes I think God gives us the tools to heal ourselves. I think my mind has always slammed shut against an idea like that.

Today I am getting the fact that younger me does not get to run the show if I want recovery. Younger me is full of anger and rage still. My job is My job is to love me and do the necessary things to stay in recovery as challenging as it may be. I am horrible at checking in but doing the best I can to improve on that and it is still a little wobbly.

I want to live better and stay the course. To falter is to die and lose everything all over again. I need to keep my recovery and build on it. I deserve to try and win if I stay the course. I do not care about the toys. I want the prize and the prize is life.

This is probably where one would say we cannot wallow in the wreckage we identify who was hurt, who we owe amends to, become willing to make amends and identify the amends owed to each person.

We cannot move freely and be okay if we are still picking up pieces of our wreckage. This is where hopefully; I will take responsibility for my actions.

Everything has its time and place. With the right direction and actions healing can come through.

Thankfully storms never last.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

One Of My Spiritual Experiences My Journey

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Good Afternoon Everyone,

I am starting this writing at 12:22 pm CDT. The snow and ice are still covering the ground temp is like 19°F here in South East Missouri.

I am staying indoors.

I am excited to share this blog post entry with you all. I pray you hear the message and not my words alone. I pray if you are like how I have been for years you too, can find what I have at least what I have for now.

I am not asking you to believe what I believe. I am not shoving anything down your throat. I am sharing my experience that happened today, and the things that led up to this experience.

The first part is that for a matter of a year or better I have been trying to tell you about my journey.

I gathered with a group of people around the tables where we all share something in common. We are people who ordinarily would not have mixed. Thankfully for some of us, we did not mix as we might have fed off each other’s maladies and be in cells next to each other in maximum security prison.

I believe there’s truth in the last line.

For one day at a time, I do not drink or use no matter what. You see I have a soul sickness that tells me I am worthless and deserve to drink if I let it continue in my head.

As I write this I get pretty choked up and feel all the warmth, love, and smiles, all the hugs, they are rolling down my cheeks now.

When I first approached any table, they told me I did not have to pick up again. Well, I did pick up time and time again. This went on for 20 years. I realized at the end I knew how to not pick up, but I did not know how to stay stopped.

For over 16 years one day at a time continuous, I have not picked up a drink or used. There are always other behaviors I am working on. In therapy and doing the things these other people around the tables do to not drink or use.

My journey is all about the continuing of my story. The journey includes me doing the footwork in what it takes to stay clean and sober.

I do have PTSD and I have chronic clinical depression. I say this so that you understand suicidal have been secondary and of course attempt and threats of suicide have been a part of my story.

I believe that God is involved in my journey and a part of my life. This is where my story and journey take a twist.

I grew up basically Christian, doing every church hop and denomination.

I always believed in God even just plainly on my own with several hiccups in my beliefs.

I finally admitted in therapy yesterday that I have trampled the blood of Christ so much that there was no grace left for me. There was grace for everyone else but me.

This morning as I woke up from a nap, I had pictures in my mind of different sins in my life and they were so vivid. It was scary and reminded me of death. I could see me dead.

Alexa was playing some hippie church songs from way back when.

The hippie version of I surrender all came on and I found myself talking to God and singing along and tears filled my eyes. This step as some of us call it I was working on and I said God I give it all to you.

I felt this weight lift it was like a big boulder holding me down. I give my rock God, my whole life, I give it all.

At the end it was like God said you have finally done step 6. I found grace again.

Its my spiritual experience. It happened. The fun part is as a teen I was part of a group known as Jews For Jesus for me personally I loved it was kind of a hippie thing to do.

I am a tree hugging hippie Jesus lover.

I feel real smiles again I am going to make it just for today. The tables are always at work it is our choice to participate.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Realizing I Cannot Do It By Myself

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I seem to fall asleep as soon as I say I am going to try to stay awake until it is a decent bedtime, and invariably it becomes a late night. So here I am writing mainly out of gratitude that I am not in the hospital or hurt myself by some part of me that felt the need to control things.

As we get older, we want more freedom and simultaneously we have more limitations, which we try to ignore.  I have always accused others of being controlling. Ironically, I am the controlling one. This became news to me. It is not recent news trust me on that.

I always want things a certain way. I do not want to have to express that I want things a certain way, or even ask for help in getting things the way I want them. Perhaps I do want people to read my mind and then resent them because they cannot do so.

It was twenty-four hours ago I was trying to help myself get up off the floor because I had knelt and realized I could not get up off the floor. My knees were locked underneath me. I had no strength whatsoever.

Between 2:00 am and 2:30 am my neighbor heard me crying and screaming for help after the 2 hours or so of me praying and asking God for help. It was a total of about 31/2 to 4 hours. I never felt so scared or helpless in my whole life.

I was so grateful for the paramedics and my neighbor. I have vowed to leave things alone that I cannot control. It has been a wake-up call to my situation that I cannot do it all by myself and that I do require help.

There also seems to be another lesson make sure before you take to social media your loved ones are aware and are reassured, you are okay. I still have a few I am way behind on.

I must do some research and figure out away to get me better. I never want to feel that helpless again. However, in the meantime it is about recognizing I have true limits. Respecting my limits is a must.

I find myself happy to be able to be sitting up texting and even writing blog entry. If you had told me even 3 years ago a day was coming, I would not be able to pull myself up off the floor, I would have called you a liar. Yet here I am. My absolutes are, always having my phone and cane on me. I hate having phone on me all the time.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I want to see phones die a horrible death under a tractor trailer. It is not just my phone that annoys me, it is your phone too! The necessary evils they are just makes me want to say bad words.

This comes from a 30 something (Who counts their age after 39 anyway?) who used to be a teen who spent hours and hours on the phone.

I am so grateful for the love support and encouragement from friends and family. I love ya all.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Looking Ahead in February For Self-Care

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While I am doing the best, I can at not isolating, sometimes you do have to shut the door to the outside world and shut off the phone. It is a balancing act.

Today while at the wound center It got very cold outside and all I could think about was coming home and ripping into the crockpot of homemade chili. I made myself wait almost an hour and a half though even after I got home.

I did shut the door and I only turned down the volume on my phone as opposed to shutting it off. I savored every bite of my bowl of chili.

I feel warm, safe, and nourished now.

I wanted to take time to write today as we begin the second month of 2021.

I have been out in left field feeling sorry for myself and grieving. It is all a mixed bag. I think I am back on track now, telling myself to get it together. One day it will be too late to get it together; so, I hope I get it together sooner.

I am trying to corner off my safe space. I must figure out what works for me. I am hanging on to the hope I have now, and hopefully it grow within me.

I suppose writing is one of my ways of reaching out and even passing on what I have.

When I talk about creating that safe space it includes nurturing myself, making better choices realizing I have to self-parent, telling myself no to some things and saying yes to new ideas. Doing what I need to care for myself.

I guess I have done well at limiting my sodium as my blood tests came up that I was a little low on sodium. The suggestion came along to drink some Gatorade and I should be fine. Even the tiniest suggestion can make a way for change.

I am not usually one to jump up and down asking for suggestions unless it is in a smart-alecky way. However, maybe it is time I take a serious look at that and just do what has already been suggested.

I probably spend more time going back the way I came just to ask; are you sure this is the way to the yellow brick road? I could have been at the yellow brick road and planted trees by now if it were not for all the back tracking.

I am looking forward to the month ahead that I can gain some solid footing. This month will hopefully be me putting everything into action I know to do to take care of myself.

Challenges do come along. That does not mean I have to let those challenges sweep me way from doing what I know in my heart to be right in taking care of myself.

I am ready to learn to love myself the right way and make better choices.

May we all do the next right thing.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Welcome To 2021

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Welcome to 2021 This year really sucks in a lot of ways starting out.

My heart was broken on January 1st, 2021.  As a result, I have mostly been unable to tell anyone how I really feel. I lost a lot of hope that day.

COVID-19 did damage to someone in our extended family he was tie in so many facets of my own life. On January 1st COVID-19 took my uncles life. The last of my Grandma’s sons.

One of my friends died as well.

I am not sure of the causes I just know that she had been sick and at least she could go on her own terms.

I realize there’s the circle of life and much more. It just sucks to lose people here on earth.

I have not found it necessary to drink or drug over any of this and if ever I wanted to use it as an excuse to do so, it would only be another poor choice to make. I am thankful I didn’t.

My heart cries out broken and in pain reliving other deaths along the way.

I have been using isolation for a while now and it doesn’t work very well because I realized its like I died to other people. That’s not very fair to them when I love them so much.

Death brings to me so much pain and my brokenness inside me open for others to see. I fall apart easily. I can’t fix me, and I can’t fix others. Death is so frustrating for us left behind. I have joked with those I am forced to have to deal with because of my own health issues.

I broke down one day and said no more doctors no more try this or that stop the meds, and everyone get the hell out if my house. I said that to one of my helpers one day and when I bent over to pick something up; I realized I needed anyone who could be there because they had to be.

I have so much fear of what will come next. Avoidance isn’t working though.

Praying and wishing and hoping is not enough. I have prayed for everyone and still do. It’s not about me. It’s about love.

Each year I have prayed maybe a selfish prayer for not to take anyone else this year because I just want more time and more healing.

I am very sad, and I can’t just get over it.  I can’t imagine what others feel I can’t write their story. I can only tell you mine.

My story started as male unnamed Day. Later I was to meet the lunch lady who became my wonderful mother and her husband my dad. Because they wanted me, I finally had a family. Because they loved me.

My heart broke when my dad passed away and still is broken. I am thankful I still have who all is left and I need them. I don’t how to be there for them, but I want to be.

I am sorry for leaving you out for a while I can’t make it up, I’ll never be good enough.

My most unusual post. Prayers for all.

Thanks for reading and I hope to be back soon! Peace and Love.

This is Boxcar Mike

I Have Been Running Trying To Free Myself

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Good Morning Everyone!

I find I take a lot for granted until time and resources are lost. I want to make the most out of every opportunity going forward.

My days have been filled with empty promises. I do not want to live that way any longer. I deserve better from myself. Those around me deserve better as well. My promises from now on need to be no promises. I just need to do the best I can for each twenty-four hours and accept it as such.

The other day I took a new picture of myself. For the first time in a long time I saw the gleam back in my eyes. The hazel colored eyes that are mine. The softness of my skin. The less weary rough and rugged face.

The hair that lays so nicely atop my head, along with a genuine smile.

I am not so sure I am writing this all so correct. But I see in me the writer that is passionate about who he is, what he has seen, where he has been, and all he hopes to be. I saw all that wrapped in love and grace.

I do not deserve grace that is for sure as none of us really do. It is unmerited favor. It is one of the greatest gifts freely offered.

My feet are rough and sore. They have holes in the skin.

My legs are weak and hurt so bad some days.

I was trying to run on these limbs not even realizing it.

I see hope in me again.

I want to paint a picture now of the days and nights, before finding me.

You see I had lost hope or thought I had.

The nights were filled with horrible images and a darkness shadowed. My nights were not so sweet. I was crying and afraid. I screamed!

I am not sure I even knew how to pray anymore. I honestly thought as many a time before, this was the end of my life. I cried out for my mom. I always cry out for her when I feel I am in trouble. She could not save me.

I felt as though my heart and gut were being ripped from me. I froze.

There was nothing I could do but see a door shutting down on me. I was being force and locked into the ground and I could not make a sound.

This was true fear as it gripped my life. I must get up and walk for this is not a game. This is for keeps. I will not play this round again.

The days are plagued with images from the night and it is all about this rock.

This lady, this man, another man, another lady, my mom, this group of people, are all shouting at me to drop this rock! Unbury yourself! You are not dead! Come out among the living and be free!

Oh, this rock, has been the problem the whole time! The rock holds the garage door I tried to hold up for my family. It holds the tears and fears. The trauma of my childhood[MR1] . and all the things I have done in word thought, and deed.

I am tired of tripping over this rock and letting it bury me. I picked it up to run with it so I do not trip over it.

Oh Mama! it hurts so bad! Please make it stop!

My friend Kay (not her real name) says: “Honey she did not create it, she did not cause it, and your mama cannot cure it. Drop the rock!”

I am trying! I want to be free! Kay says again, “Drop the rock! No one can do it for you. Only you, can drop it.”

I am ready with sobbing that floods all around me. Still, it is not enough until I drop the rock.

Thanks for reading!

Authors Note: The conversation with Kay only happened in my head. But she has said so many words similar. Let us make it clear I love my Mama and I love Kay my dearest friend forever. Both are incredibly special people.

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

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I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

You Must Follow Through No Checking Out

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Hi Everyone

I am back here attempting to write after failing to do any workshop or classes. Physically I could not do it. I spiraled down into deep depression my usual go-to.

However, I am climbing out again. The physical has been real.

I have checked out emotionally and have had several talks with myself about the need to do better and do different. The follow through is always needed.

I just talked with someone as they see me doing better, I said I must have a follow through. Without the follow through its just empty words and continuing to check out.

I do not want to be that person. The graveyards are full of people who had no follow through. They just checked out emotionally letting depression and circumstances drive them into the ground.

The doctors say, I will most likely be on antibiotics the rest of my life. I do not want to accept that. I am not willing to accept death either. At least not right now.

Today is one of my best days. I got enough sleep. I feel alert and know what is going on around me instead of feeling dazed and depressed.

You see you get to appoint of thinking you are accepting everything when you are checking out instead and continue your journey. It is a hard way to live that way You get blind-sighted by everything.

Your family and friends wonder where you are, where you have gone to now. Some even say they have worried and prayed so much hoping you were not just alone, laying in your apartment dead. It is not fair to them.

You still talk to your therapist, thank God! He asks how he can help. You explode with some expletives while saying, if you knew that you would not be there. That is not true.

You are there because you realize your hope candle is about to burn out. You are there because to the rest of the world you have checked out. You are there because you do not want to die. You are there because you finally admit you want to be held and told it is all going to be okay.

Maybe not everything will be okay, but you will get through it if only you follow through.

Writing this is part of my follow-through. I owe so many apologies and one to myself after everyone else. Because part of my apology is doing the follow through.

Even doing the follow-through and living life to the fullest does not prevent death at some point. But no one is dying here in this place today.

This time of year, I am ready to be thankful and have written thankfulness in many ways, in the past. But today, I am grateful most of all for friends and family who have not checked out on me.

Let me preface what I am about to say I am not usually political. What I have to say is partially political but most to do with the heart and spiritual.

I am scared for this world. I fear losing all freedom. It has so much to do with checking out and becoming door mats. I am not asking anyone to agree with me or speak against anyone.

I am telling you what I fear most. Make no mistake it is a reality!

I am grateful for today, being able to write, and just be real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

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Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!