Welcome to 2021 This year really sucks in a lot of ways starting out.

My heart was broken on January 1^st, 2021.  As a result, I have mostly been unable to tell anyone how I really feel. I lost a lot of hope that day.

COVID-19 did damage to someone in our extended family he was tie in so many facets of my own life. On January 1^st COVID-19 took my uncles life. The last of my Grandma’s sons.

One of my friends died as well.

I am not sure of the causes I just know that she had been sick and at least she could go on her own terms.

I realize there’s the circle of life and much more. It just sucks to lose people here on earth.

I have not found it necessary to drink or drug over any of this and if ever I wanted to use it as an excuse to do so, it would only be another poor choice to make. I am thankful I didn’t.

My heart cries out broken and in pain reliving other deaths along the way.

I have been using isolation for a while now and it doesn’t work very well because I realized its like I died to other people. That’s not very fair to them when I love them so much.

Death brings to me so much pain and my brokenness inside me open for others to see. I fall apart easily. I can’t fix me, and I can’t fix others. Death is so frustrating for us left behind. I have joked with those I am forced to have to deal with because of my own health issues.

I broke down one day and said no more doctors no more try this or that stop the meds, and everyone get the hell out if my house. I said that to one of my helpers one day and when I bent over to pick something up; I realized I needed anyone who could be there because they had to be.

I have so much fear of what will come next. Avoidance isn’t working though.

Praying and wishing and hoping is not enough. I have prayed for everyone and still do. It’s not about me. It’s about love.

Each year I have prayed maybe a selfish prayer for not to take anyone else this year because I just want more time and more healing.

I am very sad, and I can’t just get over it.  I can’t imagine what others feel I can’t write their story. I can only tell you mine.

My story started as male unnamed Day. Later I was to meet the lunch lady who became my wonderful mother and her husband my dad. Because they wanted me, I finally had a family. Because they loved me.

My heart broke when my dad passed away and still is broken. I am thankful I still have who all is left and I need them. I don’t how to be there for them, but I want to be.

I am sorry for leaving you out for a while I can’t make it up, I’ll never be good enough.

My most unusual post. Prayers for all.

Thanks for reading and I hope to be back soon! Peace and Love.

This is Boxcar Mike