Author: boxcarmike

True Ambition and Pressing Through When Tempted

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Image may contain: fire, night and outdoor
Photo By BoxcarMike

True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and humbly under the grace of God.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions AA Pages 124-125) 

Hi Everyone, 

This afternoon I finally finished the third column of my fourth step inventory. I was so grateful to get the push I needed. 

I was reminded as I was doing my step work of the wonderful bonfire with friends last night and how awesome it was that we are mix of people under normal circumstances probably wouldn’t have mixed.  

So, we have a singleness of purpose somehow guided by the God of our understanding. Tonight, as I did my work and even writing now, I have a candle lit. Believe me it is nothing compared to the awesome bonfire. 

I really want to let go of everything and be free of the prison in my mind. All of us that gather together its representation of exactly those who are in the process at least, of being freed from what our minds have created within ourselves. 

I found out today in my journey, to let myself stay untreated in the steps means I could go way off the beam. I can’t afford to pay that price today. I am not willing to go to prison because of an unwillingness to work the steps. 

I am ready to press through. Today for these 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary. The three legacies which are unity, service, and recovery: These are what remind me about to thine own self be true. 

Gathering together and giving it away, to keep it. I need people and they need me. I can’t stay a hermit and be okay. I have to be willing to go outside my comfort zone and be real. Tell people where I am so I can find out if Iam headed for trouble. 

I cannot afford to be alone in my own head anymore. It just doesn’t work. It’s suicide if I do.  

I didn’t know crazy can fake itself and look calm like today. It’s enough to scare you into doing whatever you have to do, to keep crazy away. 

Prayers alone are not enough it takes work and action. You must open your mouth no one is a mind reader. 

There is one who has all power. That one is God may you find him now. We read this at every meeting and it’s so true. Alone, I have no power but together we can. 

Half measures availed us nothing, let’s press on! 

  • I am grateful for sponsorship. 
  • I am grateful for the bonfires, candles, gathering and a loving God as he may express himself. 
  • I am grateful for the singleness of purpose. 
  • I am grateful for the life saver. 
  • I am grateful for choices today. 
  • I am grateful for get out of jail free card, that’s in the steps if we work them. 
  • I am grateful we can work at demolishing the prison we built. 
  • I am grateful to be loved regardless where I am. 
  • I am grateful for homecoming.  
  • I am grateful for the strength to get through today when I was very tempted to nap. 

Thank you reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Gratitude for Mirrors and Teachers of Ourselves

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Image may contain: flower, plant, text and nature

Hello, on this second grateful day of November 2019. 

I really do want to stay on the topic of gratitude. There’s so much to learn about ourselves and others. Others are my teaches, as well as a mirror for me in many ways.  

I gathered with others around tables this morning and I am grateful I went. I realized I was alone in the hall for a few minutes, so I bowed my head and prayed. I knew I was feeling negative, just a tad. 

I went outside before the meeting started to get my nicotine fill in and said another prayer. 

We started the meeting and this guy behind me is my mirror. He mirrors the way I have behaved in other meetings. Why is this so annoying?  Because it is bothering me. I let him go on for 3 more times! I finally a note and pass it to him to please stop and tell him he’s being rude. 

I’ve definitely won his friendship now. Insert sarcasm anywhere. He responded just the way I would have; because it would have embarrassed me too. 

This man was a mirror of my behavior. We think it is no big deal, that we are having fun, and we are harmless. But we never know whose life we are messing with, if they don’t have the full benefit of the meeting. This is still life and death and it is a big deal. 

Today this man was my teacher and mirror. People have had patience with me. Perhaps again I will have the opportunity to show this man more patience and tolerance. Maybe, I will even show him love! 

Here’s another secret, we can’t change someone else’s behavior, only our own. I am grateful for the teacher and mirror today. 

Here are the questions I now have for myself:  

Is what I have that’s so clever to say, going to add strength to myself and others? 

Are my clever words going to help me work through the steps any better?  

Will joking around during serious discussions, hinder others or my own progress? 

Are my clever words even necessary? 

These few questions are like an inventory that in all likelihood that reveals my clever words are not so clever and are not needed.  

As long as I am honest, I can change my behavior and not be sore about it. It’s all part of the journey. 

  • I am grateful for changes. 
  • I am grateful for mirrors. 
  • I am grateful for teachers. 
  • I am grateful I have been shown patience and tolerance. 
  • I am grateful I now get the chance to show patience and tolerance. 
  • I am grateful for the journey of gratitude and getting to find new ways each day. 
  • I am grateful as friends we truly care about each other and we make a difference. 
  • I am grateful that the truth comes out today. 
  • I am grateful for the sacrifice’s others have made so that I will learn to sacrifice for others. 
  • I am grateful for learning more about a another’s journey. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

November Is National Gratitude Month

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
No photo description available.

Hi Everybody, 

November is National Gratitude Month. For a handful of years, I have always tried to keep November as full of gratitude and some of those years were very difficult, but it has worked. 

November does seem the test of my gratitude. Remembering what I have and the people surrounding me. 

I love November for more than the holiday of Thanksgiving, it is remembering to give thanks through all kinds of different times. It is usually a time I remember for the sacredness of each evening and especially the weekends. 

I am hoping I do better at contacting my mom this month. She has been a great support all of my life. Even when she may not have been so happy with my choices, she answered the phone and had an I love you. 

My true friends are the same way. Some of them I am gathering with tomorrow evening for a bonfire. I was telling one it’s going to be like home coming. I am grateful for times like these and get all excited like a kid at Christmas or some other fun fest. 

Yesterday I was grateful for a ride out to the deep country with my friend. Though I was asleep most of the way there, it was just a chance to hang out. 

Tonight, my sacred time is in writing this blog entry. I am grateful for it. It makes me grateful too because in the middle of it I had four different conversations going about the bonfire, and finding I had friends helping from every angle, for a ride for me to get there. 

We thought we had it worked out but plans changed slightly for a few of us and needed to reassess the situation. It’s all working out. I am grateful for that and grateful someone could answer yes. 

Today was visiting a friend in the hospital and I am grateful she is being released tomorrow. It’s not just about celebrating and being grateful for things in my life; also, it is celebrating and being grateful for things in others’ lives. 

Gratitude changes us and gets us out of our own head. 

I am no saint. I still get moody, roll my eyes, and say things maybe not so nice. However, when I practice gratitude it all gets better. I get better. We don’t have to stay dark and gloomy. Just for today. 

  • I am grateful for my mom. 
  • I am grateful for friends. 
  • I am grateful for gratitude. 
  • I am grateful I can change. 
  • I am grateful for the wonderful things happening in others’ lives. 
  • I am grateful for bonfires. 
  • I am grateful for others that they pitch in and help. 
  • I am grateful for the grey skies and sunny skies both. 
  • I am grateful for rides to the country to fall asleep in the car. 
  • I am grateful for smiles and caring. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Night Time Prayer and Changes and Pauses

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

We continually take our inventory and try to step back immediately when something is amiss.   

I am still working on my fourth step and dragging my feet a bit. 

However tonight at a meeting we went over making sure our ground is safe and how to ask for help.  

I just also admit that at times when things are going rough, I still do want a drink. But I think it through today, just like I have the past 15 years. Nothing is worth my sobriety today. 

Tonight, we studied on the way we ask for help. The prayer above shows how we might end our day but we begin each day with asking God to direct our thinking. 

There’s no need to keep on adding to the wreckage along our journey. We have clear it each time we cause it. We get better as we do it. 

One clear idea is that we grow and change or we die. I want to be better each day and some days I do accomplish that. Some days are where Iam busy making amends along the way. No one is perfect and we want progress for sure. 

Our secrets only kill us. It’s to our benefit to be open with another human being. We can also get help in discovering our motives and hopefully rid ourselves of contempt and hate for others. 

We learn to look at our foes as sick people and ask God how we may be of help to them with right motives. 

We make apologies and admit where we are wrong. Sorry is not an apology!  

It’s about learning to be sober and living quality lives. We clean our side of the street as we go and make use of what we learn along the way.  

When we stop growing and refuse to change, we begin to become ill and we are headed for death. For us to drink, is to die. 

The Prayer above is just one more way to be God-Conscious and to concede we are not alone, ever.  

We get the chance to live, learn, listen, and share. Our prayers do not go unheard.  

Change is not always easy. We may not always be willing. But we do concede when we are faced with calamity, that change must take place.  

Today I don’t want to stay stuck. I have a choice to get up and make changes or I die. It really is that simple for the alcoholic. 

I choose life. 

  • I am grateful for the gatherings. 
  • I am grateful we each get to share. 
  • I am grateful for the chance to be around others who want to grow and thrive even when we are tired. 
  • I am grateful to be God-Conscious today.  
  • I am grateful not every day is chaotic as it once was. 
  • I am grateful I get to give of myself today. 
  • I am grateful God hears my prayers. 
  • I am grateful to be losing interest in selfish things. 
  • I am grateful for therapy even when it too maybe too hard at times and I resist it. 
  • I am grateful for the honest feedback from others today. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Drunk Dreams, Nightmares, and Feelings, You’re Okay

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,  

While I made some grammar errors yesterday, I am just glad to have made an entry.  

In recovery at times when feelings come up you have to recognize them as just that, feelings. They are real and there is a valid reason for them but they don’t have to dictate your recovery or life. 

I got shook to my core again yesterday when I learned someone dear to me had to pick up a drink again. I realized I was no different given any other day. 

Without help and hope, I too could pick up again with no check in place. Consequently, when I deal with the real the feelings come up. The inventory I have been taking is bringing up past memories again and I was hoping I was over it. 

It is less fearful for me in this process than in the past. But drink dreams and nightmares are happening and it’s okay. It’s such a relief to wake up and know it’s not real.  

But here again I have to go back and realize I have not had regular spiritual maintenance in some time. Sure, maybe I have said some prayers, do therapy, and attended some meetings. However, it’s not enough without taking action in my life and truly facing the truth. 

I am so grateful I get told I will get through this. This is dealing with the feelings and learning to put them in check. This is dealing with the untreated alcoholism somewhere in my path. 

I can do this and I am okay. That’s the best part I have a chance to stay in recovery. We say, if we knew better, we’d do better. Well here’s my chance to prove it in my life. I can do better today. 

If I am willing to take direction then I have a chance be sober today and not have to throw up every single feeling in a meeting. I did enough throw up for a life time, when I was a wet drunk. 

Today one day at a time in recovery I can pack something of substance in the stream of life if I am honest open minded and willing. 

Feelings are just feelings; they are not necessarily real or fictional. Drunk dreams are not real. Nightmares are not real. Isn’t it just a relief to know we are better than what we have dreamed or felt? 

I’s all a process. 

  • I am grateful for life today and want the best I can have. 
  • I am grateful many have recovered and made it through this process. 
  • I am grateful I am willing to recover today and not just sit on the side lines staying sick and getting sicker. 
  • I am grateful others share their stories with me and Iam not so different. 
  • I am grateful I can share my story today too and I am getting stronger with each step.   
  • I am grateful for friends I get to have in my life today.  
  • I am grateful nightmares and drunk dreams are not real. 
  • Iam grateful I don’t have to be a nightmare in someone else’s life today. 
  • I am grateful there’s power in numbers today. 
  • I am grateful when I feel weak, I have someone strong encouraging me to pick myself up. I can do it and together we can. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Just When You Think It’s A Blah Day!

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Mark Plötz on Pexels.com

I Some days are easier than others. There’s no rhyme or reason for what just is. Not every day is so super spiritual or feels so gratifying. It’s putting one foot in front of the other going through the motions. 

It does help to review a gratitude list and pray and ask for help. Especially if you have a few days of these type string together as I have had. Anger will pop up if we are not careful. 

I have found this to be true for me and not even know why. Sometimes, truthfully, I don’t care why or even want to trace my steps back to find out why. 

I am finding emotions popping up as I finish this this fourth step. Things are coming out in conversations I never intended to even explain to people.  

That really bothers me because I wanted to wait until I say everything at once with a closed mouth friend. I am finding out though, I am not even in charge of how things go.  

It so seems, when I asked God to help me, he took that request serious and I have no control of the outcomes.  

Everything is making me question whether we can really take credit for growth if God can even use our worse defects for his own plan. I’d have to say I can’t take any credit for any growth.  

I feel more annoyed with the lack of enthusiasm in this particular blog post entry. Oh well! I promised to be transparent with this journey. 

I stepped away for a few hours and now I am armed with more information about my day. I am grateful I woke up today and that I am sober. 

My heart hurts for others really having a bad time of it. I am learning I can pray and don’t have to stay sad. 

When friends go back out it can be hard maybe because of our own egos. I am not sure. 

But it’s like this: we didn’t get them sober and we can’t get them drunk. I have to believe God exists and Iam not Him. There’s something divine and mysterious both at work, when prayer happens. Let’s not forget Thy will not mine be done. 

I am not the judge of anyone. I can’t be. Life is hard and we have no idea what each other are going through. Let’s just handle each other with the loving care we have been show.  

Patience and tolerance are not my suit by nature but just for today may I show it just the same as I’ve been shown. 

  • Iam grateful for the loving God in my life today. 
  • Iam grateful because people have never given up on me (the real ones). 
  • I am grateful because Iam trusted to show love and tolerance even when I have failed miserably at it. 
  • I am grateful I can pause sometimes. 
  • I am grateful others are there when I need them most. 
  • Iam grateful grace has been there even when I had nothing but vulgar words to say and people don’t stop encouraging me. 
  • I am grateful some amends I make are more prompt than they used to be. 
  • I am grateful for the smiles and they aren’t fake ones today. 
  • I am grateful I can remind others they are important and matter to my sobriety today. 
  • I am grateful my day can change. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all  Everybody! 

A Moment of Silence For Those Still Suffering

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Fabio Partenheimer on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,  

Today I am preparing for a meeting Sunday I will be chairing.  

 11th Step  

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him.” 

I think about the format of the meeting and how it in itself really prepares us to think about others before ourselves. 

We Start with the serenity prayer and a moment of silence before it begins to think about and lift up those in and out of the meeting rooms, who are still suffering from the disease of addiction and alcoholism. 

Those of us who gather around the tables are so blessed to have each other and the opportunity to stay plugged in. 

The other day I had a chance to share with someone about my need for meetings and how sick I get without them.  

I explained how I have hidden in meetings and wow it really shows how much when I look yp with a guilt-ridden face. Often feeling embarrassed I am not farther along the path of this journey. 

The fact is that moment of silence was a prayer for those to grab on to the life saver and be willing to help their self with honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. The How, in “How it Works. 

The very fact is some people die going to meetings all the time. It is true insanity as well from not using and working the steps. In other words, a head full of knowledge, but little to no recovery. 

It doesn’t have to be this way but it takes the willingness to change. Often it is by the prayers of others, that our eyes get opened wide for the first time. 

The spirituality of this program is often described as magical. May it be so, as many will find the recovery with the right motives and action. 

I guess I view even the moment of silence as magical when I am grounded and think of others in and out of the rooms. 

We will stay sick until; we are sick and tired of being sick and tired, of being sick and tired. 

Once we have started on this program of action, we have the responsibility to reach out for anyone who wants the solution to the insanity we have tolerated for so long. 

If you’re sitting a meeting and feel like you’re drowning in your own stuff. It’s up to you to call out for help and take the direction from someone.  

There is hope and as I think about seeking through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as we understood him, I have the opportunity to recover and so can you. 

I have a lot to look at today and some of it is the same stuff but on a different level. Some of it is figuring out where I take my thoughts to change my story in the end. 

We don’t have to remain the same, we can change. Together we can! 

  • I am grateful for the opportunity to change. 
  • I am grateful for the strength in the number of people with me. 
  • I am grateful for the chances I have had to fall on my face proving I cannot do this alone. 
  • I am grateful when I stuck out my hand someone grabbed on to it and said c’mon! 
  • I am grateful in some way I can stick out my hand too. 
  • I am grateful for the main person who gives me rides and to others who have helped as well. 
  • I am grateful for the God of my understanding and as I don’t understand Him, that He understands me. 
  • I am grateful to be okay today and not just fine. 
  • I am grateful for unconditional love. 
  • I am grateful we are all walking each other home just one day at a time. 

This has been a blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

Thank you for reading! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Making a Sacred Space and Having Gratitude

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone, 

I wanted to share more about the upcoming posts. It’s still a daily struggle to try to keep up with my writing. That’s probably because it’s a daily struggle to keep a healthy perspective and my too high of expectations. 

I have a desire to keep moving forward and to be able to live up to my recovery findings. 

In the past and my plans for the present, is to continue in gratitude and making a sacred space that’s safe and healthy.  

I truly believe working the steps of the program and sharing with a closed mouthed friend, God, and admissions to myself, is what will cultivate the sacredness and gratitude. 

I think so much of making something sacred is being honest and worshipping in truth.  

You cannot change without making changes. It takes a lot of work and sincerity. 

In the meantime, I am working actively on the steps and trying to organize to have a regular schedule for writing and having the time for the sacred space I speak of.  

Sacred space for everyone is as different as their worship or what they worship. I am not here to shove down your throat. I can only share my experience strength and hope.  

I will also share my hopes and excitement.  

The personal growth through my blog posts first started some years back after a high school reunion. I shared about my dreams and goals. I have had a few friends help support me through my changes and some people I didn’t even know.  

If I tried to list the m all I would undoubtedly hurt someone unintentionally. So, it’s best not to list anyone, because my memory for names is not always good. 

I have also had new friends come in and help support and reinforce what others have continued to do over the years. I am truly grateful for you all. 

While my progress has been back and forth, as well as all over the place I finally feel some peace. I do feel like I am headed for steady focus and the best is yet to come. 

This does not mean doing anything perfectly, just doing the best of my ability each day and truly being accountable to myself, others, and God. 

It has taken every bit of strength today to just come this far in the twenty-four hours of today. 

  • I am grateful for the chance at new life today. 
  • I am grateful to celebrate friends today. 
  • I am grateful friends have not given up on me even in my most unlovable moments. 
  • I am grateful for my own Mom’s support along my whole journey even when I have been doing it wrong. 
  • I am grateful to share with others that there is a way out from the bitter morass of self-pity which I have walked in my whole life. 
  • I am grateful today for the chance to be free from the bondage of self. 
  • I am grateful for the fact we do not have to do this alone. 
  • I am grateful that whatever I choose matters today and I matter. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike Over and out! 

Thank you for reading. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

My Thoughts On Step 4 and The Columns

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Krivec Ales on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,  

I just have a lot going on keeping me busy and going through illness and a weakened body. It’s just facts. Believe me, I wish I could just write all the time than deal with some of the things I am having to deal with. 

What I am realizing is, it is having to deal with all the crap I don’t want to deal with. This is what makes the journey possible.  

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” 

My journey in this has been to start with column one where underneath I put each person principle situation or whatever I resent. I have been taught and learned that I only deal with this column alone.  

It is suggested the memories will flood back in. However, I just deal with one column at a time, in its entirety before going to the next column, of said resentment.  

When I start thinking about whole situation it’s time to stop, until I can again return to my column and finish only that column. 

Taking this direction has stopped me from living in yester-year while doing this process. It is important for me to only do the process and not make myself sick over it. 

I was asked the question of how I ground myself. Ultimately, I don’t. But sometimes, I am able to stop and say this is not happening right now.  

I currently am finishing up the second column in my fourth step, the causes. In my first column I have had to go by the rule if even Iam agitated, I had to list it. 

The bottom line in doing this, is that I am helping myself in this process. While somethings may appear as if it’s a right to resent. I still played a part somewhere. I get to own that and move forward is the goal. 

I am not doing this to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The point is to look at myself square in the eye and rise above it all.  

It does not do any good to be wallowing in all the crap that was and has happened. This is what makes us miserable and that’s no kind of life. 

Also, it’s important to realize just because we have gone through stuff isn’t about our guilt or innocence, it’s about seeing our side of the street. 

This is where, to thine own self be true really counts. 

I am sure I will have more to share on the fiiyrth step before I have moved on to the next step. 

  • I am grateful for the chance to be real today. 
  • I am grateful for friends and family. 
  • I am grateful for the direction in our program. 
  • I am grateful for simplicity. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to be perfect, to just do the best of my ability today. 
  • I am grateful I can listen today. 
  • I am grateful for peaceful times. 
  • I am grateful for noticing life outside my four walls. 
  • I am grateful I do make a difference and it’s not to please anyone. 

This is a heads-up for my readers: I usually take November and December for gratitude months as well as time to reflect over my one word for the year I had chosen for 2019.  

Sometime, in December I will choose a new one word for the year 2020! I will share more along these lines in upcoming posts. 

Thank you all for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

All To Thee I Surrender All

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Nguyễn Lâm on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone, 

I am catching up again, because of physical issues it’s been hard to stay up to date. 

Life is often a mixed bag. One is never without struggles and they are also never without many things to be grateful for, at least in my life this is true. 

I am learning to be more of service as a chairman or facilitator of meetings and answering the call when someone asks for help. Maybe it’s just listening to others and getting out of my own head for a while. 

I am having to ask for help from others today and that’s very humbling. 

Things that have always been true but refreshers are always needed are: 

I realize tonight for me, that alcohol and anger really are one in the same for me. Neither serve me very well. I am tired, the anger has worn me down. 

  • We can’t lie and recover. 
  • We can’t hold onto anger and recover. 
  • It doesn’t matter what was done to you. What matters is what you are doing to others and if you are taking responsibility today. 
  • I am willing to be alone today rather than have someone take my joy and peace. 
  • I don’t have the right to judge you today. 
  • We all have choices choose them wisely. 
  • Our greatest message is how we live and not what we say. 
  • Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t come to an understanding. 
  • Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. 
  • What we sow is what we will reap. 
  •  People will fail me at some point and I will them too. That’s a promise. No one’s perfect. 
  •  It’s okay to let go I don’t have to try to control everything. It’s not my job. 

I think back to the church hymns while growing up and I was very young, about 10 years old.  “All to Thee My Blessed Savior, I surrender all. I surrender all, I surrender all!” The minister would ask in the middle of that hymn do you really, people? Do you surrender all? 

Each of us have that same question to answer for ourselves and how we choose, will determine the rest. 

Not only do my decisions affect me today. They affect others as well. Especially, those around me. I am not my own person today. I am a part of a we thing. 

  • I am grateful for help today. 
  • I am grateful for the truth. 
  • I am grateful to be able to surrender. 
  • I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to others today. 
  • I am grateful I can choose today. 
  • I am grateful for the care and the transparency of others. It teaches me to do the same, to the best of my ability. 
  • I am grateful I picked 4pm, it will keep me accountable. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to make excuses today. 
  • I am grateful I get to stay in contact today and stay connected. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike and I thank you for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!