Resentments

It Is Okay To Not Be Okay

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Hey Y’all,

I came back to writing finally.

I am dealing with a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual subjects as usual for all of us. We all have a lot to deal with daily. I want to say, I am willing to face it all. It is just a day at a time. Right?

Sunday, I felt touched by a short video I watched. I am botching it by summarizing what it said. Yesterday needed you today, we need you, and tomorrow we will need you, please do not quit. Do not give up. So many people care about you and love you. You are loved and needed.

Just because we do not talk deeply with everyone, does not mean we are not a hope for someone else. It also does not mean the same people who are not deep with us, are not giving us hope. Sometimes things suck.

The only way to get through the hard things in life is to face them We walk through those things, feel the feelings, and work through them. Taking the necessary steps is hard. No one said it would be easy or painless.

I have been dealing with chronic physical issues. I am also facing the fact that I need to deal with grief and loss. I am dealing with emotional and spiritual issues too. All of it has emotional and spiritual aspects. It all comes down to fear and anger. Anger because I am not in charge or better yet, in control.

Face everything and recover. We should look at it this way instead.

Face

Everything

And

Recover

Do you see, facing everything and recovering reveals fear? I have learned this in the past, but I need reminders. There is also a fact of me maybe facing things before, but finding even old things come back up because of not being perfect, I only dealt with them as far as I could understand it at the time.

Just because you work on things once or a thousand times, does not mean there is not more work to do.

I recently told someone that as much as I am sarcastic with I am also sarcastic with God and they told me they argued with God! This is someone whom I consider of a handful of people, I see, as the most devout  Christian I know.

At that moment, I admitted to myself that it was freeing because I had been mad at God for not granting me my wishes. Sarcasm is a form of anger. I am not okay because: I want to say I am doing great. I have no resentments; I am at peace with everything.

I am not okay because I am angry with God that He has allowed the death of precious loved ones, and that negative things keep happening.

In the meantime, I am dealing with these issues with a professional. I am also using the twelve-step program. It will work because God is not going anywhere. I have work to do and much to prepare for.

The biggest help is that 99% of my fears will not even happen.

I have a great support system. I must use my words instead of keeping everything bottled up.

God can manage all my emotions. He is not going to fall apart because I am mad at Him. It is going to be okay.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Freezing and fleeing keep the problems hanging over my head. It becomes heavy baggage that stops me from receiving anything good because; everything is a complaint and nothing is good enough.

That said, I need to find those things for which I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for the support when I need it.
  2. I am thankful for the words to write.
  3. I am thankful for an unexpected visit.
  4. I am thankful for reminders and knowing how to take care of myself; even, in this time of waiting and seeing.
  5. I am thankful for Communion, forgiveness, and the ability to forgive.
  6. I am thankful for provisions.
  7. I am thankful for lymphedema pumps.
  8. I am thankful I can walk.
  9. I am thankful for my nurse’s supplies
  10. I am thankful I can pay my bills.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Letting Go Of What Weighs You Down

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My Plants June 2023

Hey, Y’all!

Today I want to share about how we can create the life we want to live. If we want something, we must work for it. We must let go of negative thoughts that weigh us down so that we can build meaningful lives. We build a bedrock for us to live life on purpose.

We begin by choosing what we want, instead of drifting along hoping something good falls in our laps.

I am taking stock of my own life as I write this blog post entry.

Stopping the behaviors that no longer serve us frees us that much more. Letting go of resentments and bitterness. Yes, even jealousy and envy of others who have made their lives doing exactly what they want. Instead of being jealous, we can see them shining a light on our pathway instead.

We can make our dreams a reality if we do the work needed.

We take the necessary actions regardless of how we feel. Our feelings and moods cannot make our dreams come true. Being honest with ourselves about our feelings, moods, and resentments is the practice of self-awareness.

If we write it all out and make a conscious choice, to let go and forgive what has been done to us. Admit what we have done to others and ask for forgiveness. None of us are innocent by word, thought, and deed.

We get out of all the negative and start working on the positive such as having something we can be grateful for.

Exercise is also important no matter how much we get our body moving and stop being a lump in our bed.

No matter where we are presently, we can say to ourselves, “Things will not always be this way.” I can tell you my life has gotten different since learning to say this and learning to take direction from others.

The next thing I am presently learning along with placing boundaries for self-preservation is, “Happy people do things that make them happy.”

I want to be happy and dream big without letting life just slide past me.

Doing the smallest thing to make ourselves feel better. Making our lives simpler is also key. Getting rid of the clutter in our minds and home helps us be able to build brick by brick.

Sister Theresa first said, “Do it anyway.”

A lot of us have had lives built on fear, at least previously. Broken, messy, stuck, and alone.

It is by acting on changing our lives just even by changing our thoughts to positive thoughts and to be encouraging to others and ourselves. I desire to live a real and happy life.

In the picture above are my two plants, the one on the left is a Mammoth Jalapeno Pepper Plant, and the one on the right is a Beef Steak Tomato Plant. A friend started these for me. It is now my job to enjoy these plants and help them grow by nurturing them and watering them.

They are thriving. And so it is with my own life, my job to grow and nurture the good life within me so I can thrive.

I can be the future me by doing simple things.

10 Reasons why I want this for me:

  1. I want to be happy.
  2. I desire a change for more positivity.
  3. I love me.
  4. I want to light the path for others as we walk each other home.
  5. I want a legacy.
  6. It is worth it. Because I am worth it.
  7. Proof that change is possible.
  8. I want to grow and thrive by the choices I make.
  9. I do not want to be stuck.
  10. I believe God will help me do better.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (ESV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life Changing Heard Forgiveness Is For The Forgiver

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Hey, Y’all!

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I heard this in a message two weeks ago. Though this is not new to me, it is a fact. I believe it is our thoughts that make forgiveness difficult. Thoughts become feelings if we do not stop the thoughts.

For instance, in writing this blog post entry I have had many thoughts as someone was in the room to interrupt me. I became angry and annoyed by anything they did. I do not always get the choice to write while being alone in the room.

What does this mean? I have a resentment and lack of trust for them. It is a basic trust issue. I am unsure why or what it is other than behaviors I do not care for. Yet, these behaviors are some of the same ones I have exhibited before as well.

Because we have grown in an area others may not have, we place ourselves above them. It still comes down to protecting ourselves from things we learned that are hurtful. We do not wish to feel that hurt or necessarily cause that same hurt. Do we not still want others that cause us to hurt to pay handsomely? After all, we had to pay, so they should pay!

I know as I rewrite this blog post, many conversations are taking place in my head. My thoughts are having court take place and I become the judge. Many times, it comes down to dismissing the cases. How do we let the cases go? It is difficult as the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts are more annoying than the acts we see. We must free ourselves before we can free anyone else.

Every act of forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves, allowing our negative thoughts, hurts, and behaviors of others to take root in us.

I attest to the fact when the actions of others take root in me unless  I stop the thoughts, I begin rationalizing my revenge.

If I can stop the thoughts and step back, I  have a chance to redirect my focus. It may mean distancing myself long enough to work through the feelings I have allowed. I must look within myself and take stock of my actions. If I just ignore the situation, an innocent bystander may get the brunt of my wrath.

I have been embarrassed by my behavior. Was being embarrassed enough to change my behavior? Not most of the time. Why? Because I believed I could hide my behaviors and embarrassment. I kept the vicious cycle going. It kept me locked within myself. I could not be free. This is still true unless I forgive myself.

If I am not careful when I step back I isolate myself with my thoughts instead of working through them. This is damaging to my soul. I must take control of my thoughts, so my thoughts do not take control of me.

Recently,  I binge-watched a show I love and have seen every episode before. It shows a woman wrestling with her belief in God. I will not tell you the name of the show, because I am not sure it is healthy to watch. To get to my point every time I am wrestling with myself, I find I am wrestling with God and my beliefs.

There’s also a song some of us, once sang for communion, and in that song was a line, “if I don’t back down I hope you win.” This is where I am every time I want to be centered and let go.

We can wear unforgiveness like a rock around our necks or we can let go of that rock, to save ourselves.

Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? ” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Forgiveness comes down to loving my neighbor as myself. Man, I hope I hear that!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Goodbye 2019 Dropping The Rock

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My Hope is to get out all that I have wanted to share for this time of year. 

This is the last day of 2019 and the last day of a decade to begin a new one tomorrow. 

There is a lot I have learned in the past several years and even more so in these past few months. One being I can do more and I can do better. I don’t have to stay stuck today. 

The other thing I can say just because I don’t stay stuck doesn’t mean I don’t go backwards at some points. It’s not always easy to keep the flow going. I forgive myself for not always being perfect and moving forward. 

I say this in faith right now. The reason for that is I am naturally hard on myself and beat myself up for mistakes and stupidity.  It all happens because I am human and I don’t always think before I speak. 

While I even write this, I pray I choose my words with care and wisdom. 

There has been much I have wanted to change and the willingness has gone back and forth. However, I am getting better. 

I have learned praying for those you resent actually changes how you feel about them and you become more willing to see them as sick people. 

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” This is Step Six of The Twelve Steps.  

The defects of character for me include my anger and resentment. Realizing I am holding others for ransom so they feel the rage of my anger I feel they deserve.  

What I did not always realize is this formula kept me sick. Often my anger was even directed at the wrong ones as well. I have to become humbled and, in some ways, I am humbled just by the simple forgiveness of others. 

I am letting go. I believe it’s all in degrees. I am not perfect by any means, but I am willing. 

I want to leave my anger, resentments, bad choices, and hatred behind in 2019. 

Today, I started reading the second edition of “Drop the Rock.”  

While reading this book will not take away my defects of character, I believe I will gain a better understanding and let go of the rock I am holding. 

I believe it’s all by spiritual design and God will choose how these defects of character are removed. My only responsibility is becoming entirely ready.  

I have made a good beginning but it is only to say it’s just barely scratching the surface. 

Today, I will choose sanity over hurting myself and others. Life is too short to choose otherwise. 

I do want to love me today. I haven’t really loved me my whole life. I have never thought I have been worth it. Not really.  

I still don’t know I am worth it all. But I know I want to try harder than ever to let go of the past as much as humanly possible. 

Today, I let go of all that binds me that I may move forward. 

Goodbye 2019! 

Here’s to a better year! Let’s close this curtain now! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody and Happy New Year! 

Resentments, Bondage, Prayer, Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom!

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Hi Everyone – The following passage is from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 552: 

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.  

Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  

Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.’ 
 
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes.  

And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.” 

I have been reading this and using this as a prayer all week. I am going to keep doing it until it takes for a particular person. I have no reason to doubt it works. I may have to keep doing it for a while. I am willing. 

Everything takes as long as it takes. No one else can do your foot work for you. Even in sponsorship, the sponsor is only there as a guide and to help facilitate your choices. 

I happen to believe that God shows up for the honesty and because of His mercy. Certainly not my mercy. My mercy, is so I can be free and that’s the truth. 

Forgiveness is hard. I must remember this when I am asking it of others, for my wrongs.  

With the practice of forgiving and asking for others to be blessed, I have to believe it gets easier as I go along. It always comes back to honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This is how it works. 

I am hoping to catch up on my posting this weekend, as I have been under the weather all week. That was two weeks ago. 

Now I am trying to get back on track. I now feel better physically and there’s no way to catch up. Now it’s just moving forward. 

  • I am grateful for mercy and forgiveness. 
  • I am grateful for the journey and one more tool to use. 
  • I am grateful God shows up when 2 or more are gathered. 
  • I am grateful I have a choice to change my actions and the end of a chapter. 
  • I am grateful for guidance and maturity ahead of me but also realizing everyone is fallible but probably better seasoned than myself. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to have it all together.  
  • I am grateful no one has it all together. 
  • I am grateful I do the right things even when I don’t want to. 
  • I am grateful for the hand up. 
  • I am grateful it’s also up to me to pass on what I have been given. 

The bonus for today is even if it feels like a train wreck, it’s not the end of the world. The sun will rise again, regardless. 

Thanks for reading! This post took about three weeks to finish. 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!