hope

My Life Turned Upside Down Sideways Inside Out

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hey Y’all 

Here I am finally writing now a week or two home from the hospital.

I am sure people are wondering what is going and specifically I will not say yet. The PICC Line is in once again fighting an infection, a serious one at that. Fear has been a part of this deal because it is that scary and hard to come to within ways that could be life-changing. For days, my lie by omission was easier than facing the truth.

Facing the truth meant I had to speak the truth. It meant speaking it to those who have been in a spot to help me manage me.

Fear gripped me to the point of not being able to sleep and still I regress back to that since even believing God has this. I fall apart and ask for help from God and others. I needed to remember what the truth is and even stuff just lost in the mix of events.

No, I am not dying any faster than anyone else who woke up today. I am hoping that these dang antibiotics and lifestyle changes such as diet will help even more in reversing the order of things.

Yup, I cry at the drop of a hat even more so these days. I am dealing with anger and self-pity at times. No one likes to admit to these things. I take more medication now than when I was self-diagnosed and self-medicated.

Coming home has been an adjustment that has not been easy for me, caregivers, and even just friends. They take my blood at least once a week.

Friday, I met with my primary FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner), and he is happy with the fact I am trying to stay on top of appointments and medications. To be clear I have not been one for hospitals and doctors. All though I have had to for disability and other problems.

What is the real story? What is my part in it? How do I help myself? How do I help those trying to help me?

Well, I got to take a break and do my antibiotics and rest while waiting for the nurse to call. I hope to finish this blog entry, edit it, and publish it today.

I still struggle with getting a routine down because everything seems to change daily.

One thing I do have to share is that Friday when the nurse checked the PICC-Line, there was no blood return. Today, she drew blood for labs from the PICC-Line and both concluded it was God.

Every PICC-Line I have had we have never been able to continue getting blood, it was amazing when it worked today. I was also happy as she did not have to stick me. She was prepared just in case she had to a butterfly.

I am ready to be in a season of thankfulness, peacefulness, and full of hope. I am looking forward to sharing changes for the positive and changes bringing on healing in body mind and spirit.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Love You, I Love me, Let’s Walk Together

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Hi Everyone,

I am thankful I am at home getting to write to you all today. Yesterday, I was not sure if I would get to be at home as I was and I am dealing with real physical issues. I sat in an exam room for couple of hours or more waiting on kidney test results from blood work and conversations to take place.

The blood work came back great. However, I am swollen from below my chest down to my feet. For five days I will be on 80 mg of Lasix and drinking normal amount of water. A lot of other tests and seeing my primary tomorrow. I hope to get to come home tomorrow.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Every time I go through something I start to wonder if this is what the end looks like for me. The truth is I do not think so. It is all about learning new adjustments.

I told a nurse I loved her and meant it. I wanted to say different to be cute. I really do not like being emotional because then I am vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I must consider everything I am saying and truly reflect on my reality and what I truly feel.

Over the weekend I took some direction and attended two Zoom meetings. Certain ones have been on me for a while to do this. It has taken the better part of a year, but I did it. I felt at home and something awakened inside me again. I even said I love myself.

I have not been able to say that for years. Part of me wonders if my body went into shock over me saying I love me and meaning it. I really do love me and can still say so, so far.

I took a long break. I attended my third zoom meeting with the same bunch of people and stayed for the meeting after the meeting.

Before I attended the meeting tonight, I was freaking out about possibilities and outcomes for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.         I called three people and avoided calling two people because I did not want them to worry. All three people called me back and one came over.

I was hugged in the 2 phone calls or at least felt so. The one who came over gave me a hug and helped me reinforce a bandage as well. That is when I headed straight to my zoom meeting.

I know I am loved by lots of people.

In my meeting, I listened to two speakers share their experience, strength, and hope.

After the meeting is where I hear the camaraderie and even experience it a bit. At the urging of all people present, I got two guys’ phone numbers to call for my fear tomorrow and just to let them know what is going on.

I have a journey to keep on trudging through. I have a responsibility to myself and others. I want to share what really becomes experience, strength, and hope.

I must remember there is so much to be grateful for.

Thank you for taking this walk with me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Realizing I Cannot Do It By Myself

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I seem to fall asleep as soon as I say I am going to try to stay awake until it is a decent bedtime, and invariably it becomes a late night. So here I am writing mainly out of gratitude that I am not in the hospital or hurt myself by some part of me that felt the need to control things.

As we get older, we want more freedom and simultaneously we have more limitations, which we try to ignore.  I have always accused others of being controlling. Ironically, I am the controlling one. This became news to me. It is not recent news trust me on that.

I always want things a certain way. I do not want to have to express that I want things a certain way, or even ask for help in getting things the way I want them. Perhaps I do want people to read my mind and then resent them because they cannot do so.

It was twenty-four hours ago I was trying to help myself get up off the floor because I had knelt and realized I could not get up off the floor. My knees were locked underneath me. I had no strength whatsoever.

Between 2:00 am and 2:30 am my neighbor heard me crying and screaming for help after the 2 hours or so of me praying and asking God for help. It was a total of about 31/2 to 4 hours. I never felt so scared or helpless in my whole life.

I was so grateful for the paramedics and my neighbor. I have vowed to leave things alone that I cannot control. It has been a wake-up call to my situation that I cannot do it all by myself and that I do require help.

There also seems to be another lesson make sure before you take to social media your loved ones are aware and are reassured, you are okay. I still have a few I am way behind on.

I must do some research and figure out away to get me better. I never want to feel that helpless again. However, in the meantime it is about recognizing I have true limits. Respecting my limits is a must.

I find myself happy to be able to be sitting up texting and even writing blog entry. If you had told me even 3 years ago a day was coming, I would not be able to pull myself up off the floor, I would have called you a liar. Yet here I am. My absolutes are, always having my phone and cane on me. I hate having phone on me all the time.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I want to see phones die a horrible death under a tractor trailer. It is not just my phone that annoys me, it is your phone too! The necessary evils they are just makes me want to say bad words.

This comes from a 30 something (Who counts their age after 39 anyway?) who used to be a teen who spent hours and hours on the phone.

I am so grateful for the love support and encouragement from friends and family. I love ya all.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

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Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding Hope So We Don’t Give Up

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sad mature businessman thinking about problems in living room

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Hi Family and Friends,

Each time I get at the keyboard to really be determined to follow through, my writing seems to be directed. Its like I get a slight clue and feels uncertain until it hits home.

I knew the title would be something about being under construction. Sometimes I feel like I need to wear a sign saying I am under construction or, I am just a work in progress. I also think it would be easier if others wore their signs too!

Wouldn’t it be easier, if we knew exactly who it was that lost hope, I mean has no hope left? To really know what that looks like.

I have lived through a few times where I felt I lost all hope. However, I made it through somehow. Evidently, I was able to hang on tighter. However, some people did not get that grip, they slipped, and they did not wake up today. They ran out of hope and they felt there was no one they could tell that to.

Their friends, colleagues, and loved ones are left behind grieving.

I have found I am judgmental of other people. I have a history with accusing others of being judgmental of me. It is one of those areas in my life that still needs work.

I have always figured others, must have it easier. But this is not the case. Its because of judgments like this it makes it even harder for others. That is the truth that I have found.

However, on personal experiences it is hard for everyone.

On the slippery slope of depression no one is immune to it. The sad part is in depression we become much more selfish in ways, if we were in a right mind, we would never treat others the way we do.

In the progression of this writing I am broken hearted. I think it is selfish for me to be broken hearted.

The sad part is a well-known pastor left behind his family with lots of questions, I am sure.

No one has it all together. We all make mistakes and we will make ourselves pay for those mistakes the rest of our lives; or we will let them take our lives from us.

I can only imagine a fraction because none of us know what the final snap was. I have been suicidal before and yet I am still alive. Therefore, I cannot fully know how someone feels, who follows through successfully, in taking their own life.

I do not know if reading this sometime later, will help me in my own times of depression. I can only say this is my way of dealing with something I find tragic and finite.

I guess I would hope that if dealing with someone suicidal, I would get in the way of any plan of ending their own life I could and help them find hope. That is not always possible. The truth is, as people we hide a lot.

My prayer is that God’s peace holds these people together that are truly the ones left behind.

My memory of the one person I mention, is how much he believed in the God of the Fatherless. That they finally be fathered, so that they can be the fathers, they were created to be.

How tragic this is, above all on Mother’s Day Weekend. God’s peace that passes all understanding, to his wife and children.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drunk Dreams, Nightmares, and Feelings, You’re Okay

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Hi Everyone,  

While I made some grammar errors yesterday, I am just glad to have made an entry.  

In recovery at times when feelings come up you have to recognize them as just that, feelings. They are real and there is a valid reason for them but they don’t have to dictate your recovery or life. 

I got shook to my core again yesterday when I learned someone dear to me had to pick up a drink again. I realized I was no different given any other day. 

Without help and hope, I too could pick up again with no check in place. Consequently, when I deal with the real the feelings come up. The inventory I have been taking is bringing up past memories again and I was hoping I was over it. 

It is less fearful for me in this process than in the past. But drink dreams and nightmares are happening and it’s okay. It’s such a relief to wake up and know it’s not real.  

But here again I have to go back and realize I have not had regular spiritual maintenance in some time. Sure, maybe I have said some prayers, do therapy, and attended some meetings. However, it’s not enough without taking action in my life and truly facing the truth. 

I am so grateful I get told I will get through this. This is dealing with the feelings and learning to put them in check. This is dealing with the untreated alcoholism somewhere in my path. 

I can do this and I am okay. That’s the best part I have a chance to stay in recovery. We say, if we knew better, we’d do better. Well here’s my chance to prove it in my life. I can do better today. 

If I am willing to take direction then I have a chance be sober today and not have to throw up every single feeling in a meeting. I did enough throw up for a life time, when I was a wet drunk. 

Today one day at a time in recovery I can pack something of substance in the stream of life if I am honest open minded and willing. 

Feelings are just feelings; they are not necessarily real or fictional. Drunk dreams are not real. Nightmares are not real. Isn’t it just a relief to know we are better than what we have dreamed or felt? 

I’s all a process. 

  • I am grateful for life today and want the best I can have. 
  • I am grateful many have recovered and made it through this process. 
  • I am grateful I am willing to recover today and not just sit on the side lines staying sick and getting sicker. 
  • I am grateful others share their stories with me and Iam not so different. 
  • I am grateful I can share my story today too and I am getting stronger with each step.   
  • I am grateful for friends I get to have in my life today.  
  • I am grateful nightmares and drunk dreams are not real. 
  • Iam grateful I don’t have to be a nightmare in someone else’s life today. 
  • I am grateful there’s power in numbers today. 
  • I am grateful when I feel weak, I have someone strong encouraging me to pick myself up. I can do it and together we can. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

My Thoughts On Step 4 and The Columns

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Hi Everyone,  

I just have a lot going on keeping me busy and going through illness and a weakened body. It’s just facts. Believe me, I wish I could just write all the time than deal with some of the things I am having to deal with. 

What I am realizing is, it is having to deal with all the crap I don’t want to deal with. This is what makes the journey possible.  

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” 

My journey in this has been to start with column one where underneath I put each person principle situation or whatever I resent. I have been taught and learned that I only deal with this column alone.  

It is suggested the memories will flood back in. However, I just deal with one column at a time, in its entirety before going to the next column, of said resentment.  

When I start thinking about whole situation it’s time to stop, until I can again return to my column and finish only that column. 

Taking this direction has stopped me from living in yester-year while doing this process. It is important for me to only do the process and not make myself sick over it. 

I was asked the question of how I ground myself. Ultimately, I don’t. But sometimes, I am able to stop and say this is not happening right now.  

I currently am finishing up the second column in my fourth step, the causes. In my first column I have had to go by the rule if even Iam agitated, I had to list it. 

The bottom line in doing this, is that I am helping myself in this process. While somethings may appear as if it’s a right to resent. I still played a part somewhere. I get to own that and move forward is the goal. 

I am not doing this to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The point is to look at myself square in the eye and rise above it all.  

It does not do any good to be wallowing in all the crap that was and has happened. This is what makes us miserable and that’s no kind of life. 

Also, it’s important to realize just because we have gone through stuff isn’t about our guilt or innocence, it’s about seeing our side of the street. 

This is where, to thine own self be true really counts. 

I am sure I will have more to share on the fiiyrth step before I have moved on to the next step. 

  • I am grateful for the chance to be real today. 
  • I am grateful for friends and family. 
  • I am grateful for the direction in our program. 
  • I am grateful for simplicity. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to be perfect, to just do the best of my ability today. 
  • I am grateful I can listen today. 
  • I am grateful for peaceful times. 
  • I am grateful for noticing life outside my four walls. 
  • I am grateful I do make a difference and it’s not to please anyone. 

This is a heads-up for my readers: I usually take November and December for gratitude months as well as time to reflect over my one word for the year I had chosen for 2019.  

Sometime, in December I will choose a new one word for the year 2020! I will share more along these lines in upcoming posts. 

Thank you all for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

All To Thee I Surrender All

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hi Everyone, 

I am catching up again, because of physical issues it’s been hard to stay up to date. 

Life is often a mixed bag. One is never without struggles and they are also never without many things to be grateful for, at least in my life this is true. 

I am learning to be more of service as a chairman or facilitator of meetings and answering the call when someone asks for help. Maybe it’s just listening to others and getting out of my own head for a while. 

I am having to ask for help from others today and that’s very humbling. 

Things that have always been true but refreshers are always needed are: 

I realize tonight for me, that alcohol and anger really are one in the same for me. Neither serve me very well. I am tired, the anger has worn me down. 

  • We can’t lie and recover. 
  • We can’t hold onto anger and recover. 
  • It doesn’t matter what was done to you. What matters is what you are doing to others and if you are taking responsibility today. 
  • I am willing to be alone today rather than have someone take my joy and peace. 
  • I don’t have the right to judge you today. 
  • We all have choices choose them wisely. 
  • Our greatest message is how we live and not what we say. 
  • Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t come to an understanding. 
  • Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. 
  • What we sow is what we will reap. 
  •  People will fail me at some point and I will them too. That’s a promise. No one’s perfect. 
  •  It’s okay to let go I don’t have to try to control everything. It’s not my job. 

I think back to the church hymns while growing up and I was very young, about 10 years old.  “All to Thee My Blessed Savior, I surrender all. I surrender all, I surrender all!” The minister would ask in the middle of that hymn do you really, people? Do you surrender all? 

Each of us have that same question to answer for ourselves and how we choose, will determine the rest. 

Not only do my decisions affect me today. They affect others as well. Especially, those around me. I am not my own person today. I am a part of a we thing. 

  • I am grateful for help today. 
  • I am grateful for the truth. 
  • I am grateful to be able to surrender. 
  • I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to others today. 
  • I am grateful I can choose today. 
  • I am grateful for the care and the transparency of others. It teaches me to do the same, to the best of my ability. 
  • I am grateful I picked 4pm, it will keep me accountable. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to make excuses today. 
  • I am grateful I get to stay in contact today and stay connected. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike and I thank you for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!