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Drunk Dreams, Nightmares, and Feelings, You’re Okay

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everyone,  

While I made some grammar errors yesterday, I am just glad to have made an entry.  

In recovery at times when feelings come up you have to recognize them as just that, feelings. They are real and there is a valid reason for them but they don’t have to dictate your recovery or life. 

I got shook to my core again yesterday when I learned someone dear to me had to pick up a drink again. I realized I was no different given any other day. 

Without help and hope, I too could pick up again with no check in place. Consequently, when I deal with the real the feelings come up. The inventory I have been taking is bringing up past memories again and I was hoping I was over it. 

It is less fearful for me in this process than in the past. But drink dreams and nightmares are happening and it’s okay. It’s such a relief to wake up and know it’s not real.  

But here again I have to go back and realize I have not had regular spiritual maintenance in some time. Sure, maybe I have said some prayers, do therapy, and attended some meetings. However, it’s not enough without taking action in my life and truly facing the truth. 

I am so grateful I get told I will get through this. This is dealing with the feelings and learning to put them in check. This is dealing with the untreated alcoholism somewhere in my path. 

I can do this and I am okay. That’s the best part I have a chance to stay in recovery. We say, if we knew better, we’d do better. Well here’s my chance to prove it in my life. I can do better today. 

If I am willing to take direction then I have a chance be sober today and not have to throw up every single feeling in a meeting. I did enough throw up for a life time, when I was a wet drunk. 

Today one day at a time in recovery I can pack something of substance in the stream of life if I am honest open minded and willing. 

Feelings are just feelings; they are not necessarily real or fictional. Drunk dreams are not real. Nightmares are not real. Isn’t it just a relief to know we are better than what we have dreamed or felt? 

I’s all a process. 

  • I am grateful for life today and want the best I can have. 
  • I am grateful many have recovered and made it through this process. 
  • I am grateful I am willing to recover today and not just sit on the side lines staying sick and getting sicker. 
  • I am grateful others share their stories with me and Iam not so different. 
  • I am grateful I can share my story today too and I am getting stronger with each step.   
  • I am grateful for friends I get to have in my life today.  
  • I am grateful nightmares and drunk dreams are not real. 
  • Iam grateful I don’t have to be a nightmare in someone else’s life today. 
  • I am grateful there’s power in numbers today. 
  • I am grateful when I feel weak, I have someone strong encouraging me to pick myself up. I can do it and together we can. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Just When You Think It’s A Blah Day!

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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I Some days are easier than others. There’s no rhyme or reason for what just is. Not every day is so super spiritual or feels so gratifying. It’s putting one foot in front of the other going through the motions. 

It does help to review a gratitude list and pray and ask for help. Especially if you have a few days of these type string together as I have had. Anger will pop up if we are not careful. 

I have found this to be true for me and not even know why. Sometimes, truthfully, I don’t care why or even want to trace my steps back to find out why. 

I am finding emotions popping up as I finish this this fourth step. Things are coming out in conversations I never intended to even explain to people.  

That really bothers me because I wanted to wait until I say everything at once with a closed mouth friend. I am finding out though, I am not even in charge of how things go.  

It so seems, when I asked God to help me, he took that request serious and I have no control of the outcomes.  

Everything is making me question whether we can really take credit for growth if God can even use our worse defects for his own plan. I’d have to say I can’t take any credit for any growth.  

I feel more annoyed with the lack of enthusiasm in this particular blog post entry. Oh well! I promised to be transparent with this journey. 

I stepped away for a few hours and now I am armed with more information about my day. I am grateful I woke up today and that I am sober. 

My heart hurts for others really having a bad time of it. I am learning I can pray and don’t have to stay sad. 

When friends go back out it can be hard maybe because of our own egos. I am not sure. 

But it’s like this: we didn’t get them sober and we can’t get them drunk. I have to believe God exists and Iam not Him. There’s something divine and mysterious both at work, when prayer happens. Let’s not forget Thy will not mine be done. 

I am not the judge of anyone. I can’t be. Life is hard and we have no idea what each other are going through. Let’s just handle each other with the loving care we have been show.  

Patience and tolerance are not my suit by nature but just for today may I show it just the same as I’ve been shown. 

  • Iam grateful for the loving God in my life today. 
  • Iam grateful because people have never given up on me (the real ones). 
  • I am grateful because Iam trusted to show love and tolerance even when I have failed miserably at it. 
  • I am grateful I can pause sometimes. 
  • I am grateful others are there when I need them most. 
  • Iam grateful grace has been there even when I had nothing but vulgar words to say and people don’t stop encouraging me. 
  • I am grateful some amends I make are more prompt than they used to be. 
  • I am grateful for the smiles and they aren’t fake ones today. 
  • I am grateful I can remind others they are important and matter to my sobriety today. 
  • I am grateful my day can change. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all  Everybody! 

My Thoughts On Step 4 and The Columns

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everyone,  

I just have a lot going on keeping me busy and going through illness and a weakened body. It’s just facts. Believe me, I wish I could just write all the time than deal with some of the things I am having to deal with. 

What I am realizing is, it is having to deal with all the crap I don’t want to deal with. This is what makes the journey possible.  

“We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” 

My journey in this has been to start with column one where underneath I put each person principle situation or whatever I resent. I have been taught and learned that I only deal with this column alone.  

It is suggested the memories will flood back in. However, I just deal with one column at a time, in its entirety before going to the next column, of said resentment.  

When I start thinking about whole situation it’s time to stop, until I can again return to my column and finish only that column. 

Taking this direction has stopped me from living in yester-year while doing this process. It is important for me to only do the process and not make myself sick over it. 

I was asked the question of how I ground myself. Ultimately, I don’t. But sometimes, I am able to stop and say this is not happening right now.  

I currently am finishing up the second column in my fourth step, the causes. In my first column I have had to go by the rule if even Iam agitated, I had to list it. 

The bottom line in doing this, is that I am helping myself in this process. While somethings may appear as if it’s a right to resent. I still played a part somewhere. I get to own that and move forward is the goal. 

I am not doing this to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The point is to look at myself square in the eye and rise above it all.  

It does not do any good to be wallowing in all the crap that was and has happened. This is what makes us miserable and that’s no kind of life. 

Also, it’s important to realize just because we have gone through stuff isn’t about our guilt or innocence, it’s about seeing our side of the street. 

This is where, to thine own self be true really counts. 

I am sure I will have more to share on the fiiyrth step before I have moved on to the next step. 

  • I am grateful for the chance to be real today. 
  • I am grateful for friends and family. 
  • I am grateful for the direction in our program. 
  • I am grateful for simplicity. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to be perfect, to just do the best of my ability today. 
  • I am grateful I can listen today. 
  • I am grateful for peaceful times. 
  • I am grateful for noticing life outside my four walls. 
  • I am grateful I do make a difference and it’s not to please anyone. 

This is a heads-up for my readers: I usually take November and December for gratitude months as well as time to reflect over my one word for the year I had chosen for 2019.  

Sometime, in December I will choose a new one word for the year 2020! I will share more along these lines in upcoming posts. 

Thank you all for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

All To Thee I Surrender All

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hi Everyone, 

I am catching up again, because of physical issues it’s been hard to stay up to date. 

Life is often a mixed bag. One is never without struggles and they are also never without many things to be grateful for, at least in my life this is true. 

I am learning to be more of service as a chairman or facilitator of meetings and answering the call when someone asks for help. Maybe it’s just listening to others and getting out of my own head for a while. 

I am having to ask for help from others today and that’s very humbling. 

Things that have always been true but refreshers are always needed are: 

I realize tonight for me, that alcohol and anger really are one in the same for me. Neither serve me very well. I am tired, the anger has worn me down. 

  • We can’t lie and recover. 
  • We can’t hold onto anger and recover. 
  • It doesn’t matter what was done to you. What matters is what you are doing to others and if you are taking responsibility today. 
  • I am willing to be alone today rather than have someone take my joy and peace. 
  • I don’t have the right to judge you today. 
  • We all have choices choose them wisely. 
  • Our greatest message is how we live and not what we say. 
  • Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t come to an understanding. 
  • Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. 
  • What we sow is what we will reap. 
  •  People will fail me at some point and I will them too. That’s a promise. No one’s perfect. 
  •  It’s okay to let go I don’t have to try to control everything. It’s not my job. 

I think back to the church hymns while growing up and I was very young, about 10 years old.  “All to Thee My Blessed Savior, I surrender all. I surrender all, I surrender all!” The minister would ask in the middle of that hymn do you really, people? Do you surrender all? 

Each of us have that same question to answer for ourselves and how we choose, will determine the rest. 

Not only do my decisions affect me today. They affect others as well. Especially, those around me. I am not my own person today. I am a part of a we thing. 

  • I am grateful for help today. 
  • I am grateful for the truth. 
  • I am grateful to be able to surrender. 
  • I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to others today. 
  • I am grateful I can choose today. 
  • I am grateful for the care and the transparency of others. It teaches me to do the same, to the best of my ability. 
  • I am grateful I picked 4pm, it will keep me accountable. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to make excuses today. 
  • I am grateful I get to stay in contact today and stay connected. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike and I thank you for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Step Three Relieve Me of The Bondage of Self

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everybody! 

This is the second part to step three. My will power is useless because I want to try and control situations and people with it. Therefore, it is improperly used and foolishly burned up. 

My dependence has to be up on God. I have not always been able to do this perfectly and I still don’t. It is a lot of zig zags, ups, and downs.  

I don’t have it all together. Maybe I need to realize I have tried to say that I have had it all together; and Iam telling you now that is in error.  

I just have some days that are better than others. I am hoping to be more steady and grow more along this journey.  

To figure out Gods intention for me seems a deep mystery. I do know there is a plan and a solution even when I don’t think so. 

Taken from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Book of AA on pages 40 and 41 :  

“In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy Will, not mine, be done.” 

I have often said it without the thought of thy will not mine be done. This at first may have been because it was it was shorter. Now I know a lot of times instead I was forcing my own will and not allowing God to be God. 

Today I know I really do want to rightly relate myself to God. I did at first in recovery is the group as God. That worked for a while but then I let go to dependence on one or two people and I became unhealthy. 

When those failed, I realized I had a deeper need and sometimes today it is still hard but I am trying to let God be God to the best of my ability. 

If you are anything like me you get in your own way a lot.  

Heck, sometimes I have even blocked help that was readily available but my heart and attitude was not always right, to receive that help. 

The biggest reveal to me in this journey is that I have often put myself in sticky situations. It has been hard to accept responsibility for the mess I have created; at times I still want to blame others or situations. 

I really want to mean this today each time I read or say this other simple prayer known as Third Step Prayer:  

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.” 

  • I am grateful that I have prayers to rely upon 
  • I am grateful for strength, when I feel weak. 
  • I am grateful for rides to the gatherings around the tables. 
  • I am grateful to be included today. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay bitter. 
  • I am grateful for prayers of others. 
  • I am grateful I have people who love and care about me. 
  • I am grateful life doesn’t have to be as hard as I make it out to be sometimes. 
  • I am grateful someone can point the way for me to get out of my own way. 
  • I am grateful for the stillness I can ask for when I remember to and the peace that affords. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Surrendering Got Me To Step 1

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Welcome Back Y’all ! 

I go from cold, to hot, to cold, along this journey. I won’t hide that from you. I am in hopes of being able to stay the course now. 

What I have been describing and sharing with others in this journey whenever I have mentioned my anger, is going back to that alcoholic thinking. I have wanted to control things and make an impact so that I can have my way. It doesn’t work.  

Anger has stopped working for me and I did not realize it the same way I was with alcohol. It had been a long-time quit working for me, before I could acknowledge it wasn’t working anymore.   

My self –reliance and self-will cannot cure it or make it go away. I needed help and I finally asked for it, like a dying man. My world was crumbling and even as I write this it is fresh what my thinking and ways were doing to me even yesterday morning with just thoughts alone. 

I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink in fifteen years. However, of real serenity I have had very little. Why? Because I have been unwilling until now! I am grateful I never picked up in these years and a lot of help along the way and I have even had some growth but it’s not enough anymore. 

When I finished writing last night I was chatting with a friend and I finally admitted unless I do these steps I will self-destruct. I asked for help and direction.  

I get to change my ending in a brand-new way today by being willing and as a reader suggested, finally surrendering! Isn’t it so much easier to just surrender than whistling in the dark? It’s a lot less lonely too.  

As usual these days I am in tears as I write this because I finally want that freedom, I have craved. The funny thing is the only way I will get it is by telling on my disease and surrendering.  

Here’s a key for you. This is one of those diseases that will lie to you and tell you nothing is wrong with you. But I admit my life is unmanageable and without help it is too much for me to bear alone. 

Step 1 became my admission that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanageable. Along with that I am filled with rage, I am an addict, and I can be a narcissist.  

While I have made progress, I am here to tell you I have done things to get me where I am, that my life is unmanageable. I did those things to me out of not being responsible for me. I have to take responsibility for my life today.  

This is where the steps come into play and real recovery starts. It starts each day and no matter what, refusing to give up or give in. 

  • I am grateful for the truth today. 
  • I am grateful I can surrender to a program of action today 
  • I am grateful for a loving God who can express Himself in me and make known the desires of my heart. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay suck today or lie to cover up another lie. 
  • I am grateful for help and direction. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to live in fear today. 
  • I am grateful I could see joy in another human being yesterday. 
  • I am grateful for all of my friends each one is different and I see each of their unique ways as a colorful world. 
  • I am grateful for aunts, grandmothers, mothers, brothers and sisters who pray. 
  • I am grateful for the strength to write this today and Iam not falling apart I get to pick up the pieces today. 

This Boxcar Mike! Thanks for reading ya’ll Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everbody!