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It Becomes A Holy Moment In Recovery

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hey, Y’all!

I am back and looking forward to sharing more in this entry.

I have shared some about my recovery and my journey since being clean and sober. I can tell you now that in my experience finding recovery in your inner being and seeing it work is holy. You find it in others and it is just as holy seeing it work in their lives also.

When changes happen by forgiving and allowing your will to change.

You see in my world, there is law and order mandated by God. Yet God in His divine ways, which are higher than my ways, made a way for grace and mercy. Because of grace and mercy, a way gets made out of no way.

I found forgiveness is for me when it comes to me forgiving others. What forgiveness does for me is much more than I ever knew. Forgiveness means I am letting go. Forgiveness means I am withdrawing myself from that story. If I have been offended it means something touched me deeply that was awakened in me.

Forgiveness gives me the freedom to finally deal with myself and God.

I thought being forgiven had taught me something. However, when I learned about being the forgiver, I was in for a true awakening. I am still not finished learning about forgiving and being forgiven.

To reiterate why forgiveness is holy is that it means I want peace more than my right to stay offended. It frees me and the other person both. I do not have to stay enslaved to the pain and hurt. It is one less thing to carry in my excess baggage.

There is yet another part of forgiveness and that is forgiving ourselves. It is another way of saying that excess baggage because when I arrived in the rooms of recovery I had a long list of both hurts I had caused and a mountain full of hurts in my mind of what was done to me. Also, not all of the hurts were just in my mind. On both counts, I wore that shame. My heart was hard and I was scared of facing a day without a drink and having to face the real stuff. I let them lead me to doctors for pills.

Okay, let’s do pills. What could they hurt? A lot especially, when you go back out and add alcohol. Smoking a joint was trickery for me Id get high and then am paranoid as heck.

But I digress, shame was at the root of everything. Wrongs were done both drunk and stone-cold sober. My heart got very hard back then.

Recovery has changed me. I have to face myself and everything I am still in the process of letting go. In my journey recently my heart was hardening some. I was staying angry and holding on to some things.

I was starting to doubt my recovery and it welled up in me in a moment and shocked me as I saw it work in a particular moment with another person. I had my mind made up Sunday Night that I was gonna blast someone with words Monday Morning.

It changed at a moment’s notice when communicating with someone else we ended up helping each other. It softened my heart. It changed the course of my actions.  Today has been a day of more softening of my heart and more rest for the body and soul.

I will say I cannot afford to keep going in circles. By not forgiving I am allowing my shame to deepen, therefore, making it even harder to forgive.

I am the one who makes me crazy when I refuse to forgive. I want recovery more than ever. This is not philosophical, this is real.

As I close, I am leaving you with these three verses from The Holy Scriptures.

  • For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 (ESV)
  • 15. but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16. since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”  1Peter 1:15-16 (ESV)
  • 8. He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life’s Experiences Have Given Me Many Blessings

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Hey, Y’all!

It is great to be behind the keyboard again. I apologize for ghosting my blog for the past couple of months.

When I am not writing, I get scatterbrained because I lose my center. I want to change by getting plugged back into writing. I am looking forward to wound healing and healthy tissue progressing. Things are looking great with my wounds.

There have been many obstacles that got in the way of my healing. However, my body seems to be overcoming the obstacles. The weight loss progress is a different story. I am looking at what to do differently and taking in new information and calling upon what worked before.  

I will take the good parts of any day over the negative results.

I am not that person who wants to show grotesque pictures to the whole world or even to my loved ones. At one time I did some things like that but I just want to take the healing and not have to look at how bad things are I suppose.

The other side of the coin is, multiple times a week for years I have seen pictures of my wounds. I did show others once in many years what seemed to be an endless nightmare. I am not healed yet, but I feel healing is manifesting for sure.

Right now I am dependent upon taking my blood sugar and the pills to control it. However, I still take care in choosing what I eat most of the time. My blood sugar is excellent being controlled at 5.2. I am very happy with this result.

In other news, I have rearranged my house (my apartment). I am staying busy going through the drawers and getting rid of papers and things to make life more manageable. It is so much easier when less is more.

This evening after a long day of doing wound care and a doctor’s appointment, I took a nap. I was tired and needed the rest.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.  I have many goals to meet in all of the different areas of my life. Sometimes I get sidetracked and focus on stuff that has no real meaning or place in my life. This is why my writing is important, if even insignificant to others. It helps keep me grounded.

I am so grateful for my friends and for learning that they are not to be taken for granted. I also get to see where I am a friend to them and I also have learned I am not to be taken for granted either. I get to be a friend to me today and I am learning to treat myself better.

Life is one big recovery field I get to glean from and learn how to change and grow. This takes losing to gain so much more. It means less of me and mine to get to us. Together we can do this. Alone, I cannot accomplish as much.

Gratitude goes a long way in my recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit. I must count my blessings.

Numbers 6:24-26 (ESV)

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Willing To Do Be BetterThan Yesterday

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Hey, Y’all!

We want things to change and be better. We want everything and everyone around us to be of a higher standard and to meet our needs accordingly. The sky is the limit! We are reaching for those stars. If we pay attention and look closely, maybe everything is better than we could ever hope for.

Here begs the question. Are we willing to do better and be better than yesterday? Are we willing to come up to a higher standard? I am just remembering after reading so many times, “we cannot transmit something we have not got.” If we do not have something we cannot give it.

I know from my experience, one day I can turn around and see the change in others. However, I may still be holding on to judgments, pettiness, and anger. Meanwhile, everything and everyone else around me has changed and come up to a higher standard. Suddenly, it is a whole new ball game. The team is ready for us. Are we ready for the team?

We suddenly realize it is not about who is better.  Are we willing to be better than yesterday? Even if we have something, we can lose it or give it up. In most cases, we give it up in trading what we might have for something newer, shinier, and bigger.

If we are not careful death becomes us.

In the beginning, the thing we most wanted was to free ourselves and all of those around us. Our vision becomes clouded by the things we refuse to let go of. What we know suddenly becomes everything we have believed from assumptions and decisions we made long ago. We decided and so it was until we decided to change. That is if we make that decision.

Pain has been my biggest motivator in making changes. It has taken both physical and emotional pain. Sometimes, even just seeing the pain caused in others by my decisions and actions. I admit, mostly it is my personal feeling of pain.

If we just take the opportunity to be open to hearing others out. I said the words not too long ago; that most people just need us to listen so they can unlock themselves. I remember once a friend of mine suggested that I have tunnel vision.

I was so wrapped up in myself that I had not even noticed the sarcasm in his voice. I asked him if it was fatal and if it was permanent. His answer was plain, it could be fatal, and it could be permanent if I was not willing to change some things.

It would be many years before changing my ways. I am still changing and have gone back and forth.

Some days are simply better than others. On the whole, everything is better, and I am better than I once was.

Yesterday I heard the word, humility. Humility is in the way of not waiting or wanting applause for choosing to do the next right thing by others.

It comes down to putting off our selfishness and letting go of my old ideas. It is seeing the good in everything and everyone.

It boils down to finding gratitude in the hardest of things we often go through.

We soon learn to be grateful for all the doors that close and the doors that open to us.

Psalm 119:105 (ESV)

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

I hope to continue writing and sharing my journey more consistently.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Come With Me On My Journey By Accident

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Hey, Y’all!

It has been too long again, y’all! It has been over a month since I have written. I woke up after an hour and a half nap and knew it was time to write. Let us just walk together, as I tell you things that have happened along my journey. I woke up laughing.

In my sleep waking up I was listening to Jase Robertson share something along the lines of God is not going to stop everything in creation to say; Hey hold up everyone, Jase made a mistake! We need to wait. (Note: Jase, if you read this I may have taken your words out of context). People tell me I hear wrong a lot of the time.

Once I said the words, God is ready for me to write out loud to myself, this light that has been burned out for a week, suddenly flickered on! Is this by accident? I think not. I even told my mama today; I have not written in like a month.

It seems I could not go on without another infection happening, this new year. The ailments that go along with the infection of being tired all the time and dragging. Some more effects in which I will belabor the point.

However, there is a difference this time in treating the infection. Thankfully, the days of needing the PICC Line are gone. The labs in the pharmacy take an antibiotic and some pumps of this gel mix it up and put it directly on the wound.

However, knowing the cause of the infection type and what bacteria is growing from a culture is necessary to know in this treatment.

I caution everyone to seek a professional. DO NOT ATTEMPT ON YOUR OWN!

Suffice it to say in my experience this is working! Hallelujah! What a miracle. Thank you, God!

My wonderful care worker (L) has gone on to another client so that he/she could get better hours, meaning a full-time check. Before L left, I asked L if I could pray for L. This is out of my comfort zone, yet it happened!

God told me to pray for L. I asked for forgiveness in that prayer if anything I said or did cause harm or was a stumbling block for healing and forgiveness and that L would be blessed as L went forward. At the end of that prayer, we both just said Wow!

I talk to God, I tell Him how badly I mess up at things.

I just could not get over what I thought I heard Jase say. It is like am I that self-absorbed to think all of creation must stop because I am struggling with all kinds of mistakes? How selfish! If it is what Jase said or not, those are the words I was to hear. I can laugh at the incredulous of my thoughts.

Micah 6:8 (ESV)

He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Holding Up The Whole Wide World, Really!

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Hey, Y’all!

Ain’t it heavy?

Man! I am telling you, it is heavy if you are thinking and trying to hold up the whole world by yourself! You are not alone.

We all fall into this thinking trap, thinking we are alone and trying to do it all ourselves. We do not even know half of it if we had to do it all by ourselves. I had one of those times by the end of the day, yesterday.

I am here to tell you I know some days it feels like we are in this world all alone. I am also here to tell you in those times we need people to tell us we are believing a big, fat lie! When my security is threatened by a letter that gets sent out by a computer glitch error, I went into a meltdown mode.

Thank goodness from a friend for giving me some direction. Even though there were directions in the letter I did not know how to do it at that moment. I had to hear directions verbally. I was able to get a live person by the second time I called the number. It was only after hearing and following directions, that I could admit I overreacted.

I was not alone. I had people who could help me help myself. In this world today sometimes, it feels like there is a rain cloud directly over your house. Your roof has all kinds of holes and all you have is one little pail, running from leak to leak trying to catch all the rain, hoping you can save your home from flooding.

It is useless and wasted energy to keep running and screaming. It accomplishes nothing. We will always find trouble at every turn. None of us can keep it all together. We can learn to remain calm and not fear the worst. People and technology make mistakes all the time.

However, it is important to remember while we remain calm, that we have responsibilities. We may have to wait and see how some things turn out but we keep moving on in the meantime. I am still learning and making progress, even making mistakes along the way.

The world is not as heavy when I let go. I am not alone in this life. This is another lie I believed until I was shown the truth. We have to weed out all the lies we believe so that we can live. We do not have to be miserable.

I strive for happiness today. This means changing my mindset and stopping the lies I have believed. If I believe that I am always right, there is no room for change and I will remain miserable and lose out on a lot in this life. I want more for myself and others.

I am not alone. I cannot hold up this world. I will never be perfect, but I can do better than I do. I am not always right. I must keep changing to learn to enjoy life.

There is a plan and I know a man who can. It gets better than this, I promise.

John 16:33 ESV

33 I have said these things to you, that n me you may have peace In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!  

Freedom Begins When We Stop Comparing Ourselves

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Hey, Y’all!

I am up late writing because I am experiencing some physical pain. I cannot control the pain. I hope and pray by following the suggestions of my doctors and nurses, I can help alleviate the pain. It helps stop the pain when I use the lymphedema pumps on my legs and feet. Praying helps but actions do back up the prayer.

Following directions is imperative for my healing. This is something I have had to learn in the past decade or more.

I must admit that following directions is not something I have done well. I have improved over the years. I hope to achieve a better understanding of how to keep improving, on listening and doing what is suggested in all of the areas of my life.

We can ask for help, but if we are not listening and following directions, we will not know how to change or improve our state of being.

I have heard that changing takes patience, practice, and time. Time takes time. If all we have are words, we cannot change without actions that match up to the words. I am impatient with myself and others when it comes to change.

I have parroted phrases thinking it was enough to make a change in myself. Why? I was comparing myself to others and others said it was the right way. I tried mimicking others, but I did not have the directions for making the changes.

Anyone who has ever worked an equation with algebra knows you can have all the right letters, numbers, and powers to the numbers, but if you do not have the directions for solving the equation, you cannot show the work for the answer.

I am above no one. I did not know how to make the necessary changes in my thoughts. I compared myself to others and had lofty thoughts of who I thought I wanted to be. That has always been the case in my life. It still gets me in trouble, to this day.

I need reminders so that I do not get myself isolated or bogged down in my thoughts because I am comparing myself to others. It is that which I compare myself to that keeps me bound. When I compare myself to something unrealistic, I am enslaved, trying to be that which I am not.

Today I have some directions and suggestions from others and it is helping me change. Some days are better than others.

When I compare myself to others or try to be someone I am not I cut myself off from God and others.

I heard it said years ago if you hang around a barbershop long enough you will get a haircut. Being the people watcher I am, I started watching the different haircuts and would pick one out thinking it would change me. I was not the cool person I saw. I was still me; I was doing the same things I had always done.

It is the thoughts of ourselves we must change. We are not all that and a bag of chips. We are neither lowly nor miserable pieces of garbage. We can live a life that is true to what we are supposed to be. But it is doing necessary action daily.

We start finding gratitude and seeing the beauty in life. We learn what having respect for ourselves and others means. We not only start speaking differently but we take the actions necessary to grow in deeper love for life. We find that we are not only hearing mere words but directions that we comprehend.

We lose our chains and become free.

Proverbs 4:26 ESV

Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Waking Up In The Wee Morning Hours

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Hey, Y’all!

Good morning! I woke up at 2:21 a.m. I was in bed by 9:35 p.m. I believe I was subconsciously bothered by the fact; I left the kitchen a mess. I was in automatic mode when I woke up and went to work cleaning up my mess.

Oh yes, coffee time is here, regardless. My coffee tastes great, first thing in the morning. I look forward to it helping me be in a calm state.

Here it is two hours later, having taken so much time to be comfortable. I had to set up my pumps, settle in with my coffee, and get the music turned on. I want my things and my comfort.

Can you believe we started the second week of the new year, yesterday?

The new work week for me starts today. I have a home health nurse coming this morning to do my dressing changes. I also have my home health aid worker coming today. Being up early does make writing easier. I am not sure; I want to be up at 2:30 am every day.

I do want a regular schedule. It is all about routine. Having a routine is what has helped my mama, grandma, and other successful people live longer than I have. I want to be successful and meet my goals. It is all part of the healing process, and healing takes hard work.

We can ask for all the prayers and say all the prayers possible, but there is work for me to do. Faith takes work. Many people call faith a spiritual muscle. Sometimes it is making those physical muscles work as well.

I just got this image of God saying, “I am not asking you to run a 50-yard dash; all I am asking you to do, is walk!”

For those of you who may not know I have had a diagnosis of venous insufficiency. I have had wounds and a few months ago I had an infection that turned into Osteomyelitis. I have had chronic wounds since the late 1990s. Thankfully, the Osteomyelitis was able to be removed by cutting out two small bones through an incise on the side below my great toe of the left foot. This prevented the spread of the horrible infection to the main bone that is connected to the left leg. To this date, I have been infection free. Perhaps this is the longest time yet, I have not had an infection or have had to take antibiotics.

My goals surround being fully healed. A good part of this means, getting weight off and increasing my mobility. Sometimes we get healed instantly, sometimes not at all, and other times healing comes as an education. Some of us are slow learners. I am learning now, though!

I will get consistent. I will practice consistency today by exercising, walking, and being ready for each appointment.

Most days I do accomplish a lot of tasks. I do require help some days. I do need to learn to ask for the right kind of help and in the right way. However, I find doing as much as I physically can handle keeps me more independent.

This is a part of my journey. Thankfully, this is me on the other side of having an infection.

 Proverbs 17:22 ESV

 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I will be joyful as I go for a walk right now! I went for a twenty-minute walk.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Comfortable Saturday For Rest And Refocusing Today

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Hey, Y’all!

I am here today thanking You, God!

I purposely slept in until 10:30 a.m. and I did enjoy it. I am still enjoying my coffee from a small brunch I made myself. My candles are lit, and the music is turned on to keep me calm and quiet in my heart. I just need to enjoy the day and still accomplish a few things as I rest.

I most enjoy not having anyone here today because I just need time where no one is invading my space. Though, I know people are here to help me. Sometimes, though, it feels like I am paying rent to just have people here to interrupt my day. Perhaps, that is their purpose after all.

If left to myself on a given day, I might lose my sense of purpose. I know in some way; I might be helping them as well.

Today is comfortable, and it is not like I am giving up all my responsibilities.

I am refocusing today on how this next week might go, and what will better help me accomplish more.  

Someone asked that I add them to my calendar next week. I said that I must call them next week as I see how it plays out. I have more people to add to my calendar as well.

The people I want to add to my calendar, have not been able to talk about realistic dates and times possible. The main cause we have the thing in common is just seeing how we are going to do with our new goals and regular work weeks.

I am listening to this song called “Fear Is a Liar’ Fear, he is a liar. He will steal your rest and happiness. This is true. When I allow fear to come into my head, my rest and happiness get stolen. I do not wish to live my life in fear.

I must find faith and act on it. This takes reordering my thought process. I must think good things. If I concentrate on negative things it takes me back to fear. I have allowed much over my lifetime to be taken or, how about this, I gave away.

I gave away too much. In return, I was called dirty and trash. I was called worthless and a bad seed.

I did not get clean and sober to live in a way, that brings those negative things upon me. No one should ever say those things to another human being. Ever! It is not about showing you my scars; it is to make a point about living a real life.

I have a purpose in this life otherwise, I would not be here. If we did not have a purpose none of us would be here. Our mission is to find that purpose and live it. I do not want to fade away. Living a life of faith is hard at times.

I do see failures this past week. I also see, I still got up each day. That in itself is a success for me.

You see, today is a comfortable day for me. I am running to God today, hoping to change my thoughts and renew my mind. I want to think about good things. I am refocusing so that my efforts for the upcoming week shall be more successful.

Here is a short story, and then I will be close closing. This story takes in a small town in Missouri next to some railroad tracks.

I was 19 or 20 years old. I am driving this big and heavy car. In fact, for my car people out there, it is a 1970-something, Mercury, Montego. It had been raining. Sure enough, a train is coming that will take some time to pass. The liquor store is only minutes from closing. This shows my priorities.

We must get to that liquor store before it closes. Mind you, there is a full carload of people. In my intelligence, I decide to make a U-turn on this narrow road with mud on both sides of the road.

Well, I fishtail and slide off into what is a ditch of solid mud! I am determined to get back on the road. The tires are spinning. It becomes apparent, we are going to need to push this car. Well, I go to get out of the car. Holy Cow! The car door will not open. That is right, I spun the wheels so much that I buried the frame of the car.

The next day, a farmer towed the car out with a tractor. Thankfully, the girls had walked to the liquor store.

What is my point in telling you this story? The point is you need some traction so you are not just spinning your wheels. If you have no traction all of your efforts are futile. The more you spin, the deeper you are burying yourself.

I do not want my efforts done in vain. I am going to get some traction, by thinking positive thoughts with renewed energy.

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Upon Waking Taking Every Opportunity To Succeed

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Hey, Y’all!

Today, my schedule includes a wound care appointment. I will have grafts applied to my wounds. I am hoping all the grafts take. To see the healing progress of the wounds is good. I do have more optimism as I see the progress with each dressing change.

I woke up at 3:50 a.m. before the alarm sounded. I decided to get up anyway to take advantage of the extra time. I am anxious this morning as I write. I am anxious because it is clear, no matter how much time I have, there is always more to do. Managing the time and tasks is still challenging.

I had started this entry early this morning and time caught up to me once more. I have done some walking and I took a nap once I got home from my appointment.

I am grateful today at my appointment my fears were put to rest by the Nurse Practitioner and my Nurse. There was some thick calloused skin to be removed. It was causing me pain. All the wounds look good, and I am approved to keep going with the skin grafts.

I am pressing through once more writing while my chore worker is here. I am having my worship music going to try and keep me focused on just my writing. This can be challenging. I prefer to not have to communicate during this time.

My silence communicates loudly. We only have an hour to go as it helped to do an hour of overtime yesterday. I can do this more nicely!

You see I have learned any kind of anger can make my writing time unenjoyable. My whole point in writing is to get a message out and enjoy it at the same time. It does not serve me well to be angry or resent the situation.

I am taking every opportunity to find ways to manage my time. The nap did help me physically. However, it did cost me more time than I intended. My lesson today is about learning to be okay with readjusting accordingly.

Inside I am screaming mad, and my mind feels so cluttered with all the information I have soaked up in changing my approach to what it means for me to be consistent. I am also trying to accomplish too many tasks at once. I will take a breath, now.

I was reminded this morning that I am doing great. I do need to remember this is the first week of making changes. I do have too high of expectations of myself, in that I want it as though I have been living in a new way, all my life.

Cutting out the clutter in my mind is a process. It is going to take time.

I am not forgetting to be thankful in this process of change.

  1. I am thankful I want to be intentional.
  2. I am thankful for reminders to breathe.
  3. I am thankful I am responsible for my progress.
  4. I am thankful I am not doing this alone and I have wonderful supportive friends. But especially one friend and my Mama.
  5. I am thankful for a new way to communicate with my brother and his family.
  6. I am thankful I took a moment to breathe and just connect with my chore worker for a few minutes today.
  7. I am thankful this process is taking place and I will not be defeated in following it through.
  8. I am thankful I can encourage others.
  9. I am thankful I can fight the disease with the tools I have been able to acquire.
  10. I am grateful that being thankful with all my heart can change the balance of all things.

In the end, today has been a success through my gratitude.

Philippians 4:7 ESV And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Progress Not Perfection According To My Schedule

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Hey, Y’all!

Here we are on a Tuesday Afternoon. I made good use of the morning. However, my morning did not exactly go to schedule, but I did get in my walking. The schedule is hard to get implemented perfectly, but I am happy with my accomplishment of walking. It is the progress that matters.

I was also able to do my laundry and attend the men’s group I attend every Tuesday.

I have shared about my recovery before, using the HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I was called about whether my insurance would cover even an office visit tomorrow. I could feel myself getting a bit hungry.

I realized I needed to calm down and the fact it was going to be another forty-five minutes before I could get to the food. I was angry, because of just of the chance my insurance trying to charge me a large sum deductible. I did calm down and admit the person on the other end of the phone did help talk me down.

I am now using my pumps again hoping to use them for about three hours total this afternoon. And use them again tonight. I am eating cheese now for a snack. I was happy to get my coffee in this morning. That is always vital for me to deal with life.

This week is the reality of climbing on my journey. I am determined to get better. Amazingly, I am making calls consistently in the morning time. I am having to make time while people are present in my apartment, and I dislike how that is having to work. It feels cramped to write during this time. It is how it will get done today.

Today it is beyond my control, and this is where acceptance must play a part in my day. I imagine this is where my day looks a lot like having a job. The only difference is it is my job, to help others, help me.

This question surfaces a lot during office visits. “How can I help you today?” If I was a professional, I might know. Is my usual reply; and that is stating nicely I suppose. I want to do better and have a better answer. I am not always willing to see what it is they can help me with.

I can do better if I want to. Is that what we say about others? “They could help if they wanted to.” I can help me today by chilling out. In the same way, it will help others who help me. My brother’s words one time as he watched me be this frantic ball of anxiety-ridden human come to mind often. It is in a good way. I use the question he formed as a self-check.

“Is this the way you are all the time?” I was ashamed then, and embarrassed. Since then, I have made better progress. I still have a long way to go.

Today, after getting off the phone, I found myself frantic about doing the laundry. I feared not being able to be done enough, to attend my men’s group. I called myself names, going on about how poor I had done with going along with the plan. In the end, I made it to the men’s group, and I did finish my laundry.

Today was an accomplishment, and dare I say tomorrow will even be better and hopefully not find the need to use name-calling, anyone.

I am looking forward to relaxing this evening. It is all about self-care and doing better.

Philippians 4:13 ESV I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!