God

Surrendering Got Me To Step 1

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Welcome Back Y’all ! 

I go from cold, to hot, to cold, along this journey. I won’t hide that from you. I am in hopes of being able to stay the course now. 

What I have been describing and sharing with others in this journey whenever I have mentioned my anger, is going back to that alcoholic thinking. I have wanted to control things and make an impact so that I can have my way. It doesn’t work.  

Anger has stopped working for me and I did not realize it the same way I was with alcohol. It had been a long-time quit working for me, before I could acknowledge it wasn’t working anymore.   

My self –reliance and self-will cannot cure it or make it go away. I needed help and I finally asked for it, like a dying man. My world was crumbling and even as I write this it is fresh what my thinking and ways were doing to me even yesterday morning with just thoughts alone. 

I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink in fifteen years. However, of real serenity I have had very little. Why? Because I have been unwilling until now! I am grateful I never picked up in these years and a lot of help along the way and I have even had some growth but it’s not enough anymore. 

When I finished writing last night I was chatting with a friend and I finally admitted unless I do these steps I will self-destruct. I asked for help and direction.  

I get to change my ending in a brand-new way today by being willing and as a reader suggested, finally surrendering! Isn’t it so much easier to just surrender than whistling in the dark? It’s a lot less lonely too.  

As usual these days I am in tears as I write this because I finally want that freedom, I have craved. The funny thing is the only way I will get it is by telling on my disease and surrendering.  

Here’s a key for you. This is one of those diseases that will lie to you and tell you nothing is wrong with you. But I admit my life is unmanageable and without help it is too much for me to bear alone. 

Step 1 became my admission that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanageable. Along with that I am filled with rage, I am an addict, and I can be a narcissist.  

While I have made progress, I am here to tell you I have done things to get me where I am, that my life is unmanageable. I did those things to me out of not being responsible for me. I have to take responsibility for my life today.  

This is where the steps come into play and real recovery starts. It starts each day and no matter what, refusing to give up or give in. 

  • I am grateful for the truth today. 
  • I am grateful I can surrender to a program of action today 
  • I am grateful for a loving God who can express Himself in me and make known the desires of my heart. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay suck today or lie to cover up another lie. 
  • I am grateful for help and direction. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to live in fear today. 
  • I am grateful I could see joy in another human being yesterday. 
  • I am grateful for all of my friends each one is different and I see each of their unique ways as a colorful world. 
  • I am grateful for aunts, grandmothers, mothers, brothers and sisters who pray. 
  • I am grateful for the strength to write this today and Iam not falling apart I get to pick up the pieces today. 

This Boxcar Mike! Thanks for reading ya’ll Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everbody!  

My Journey is About Progress Rather Than Perfection

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Hi Everyone!

I just have to keep writing. I couldn’t get what I wanted to write about into words. Instead, I am sharing my experience today. I want to be intentional and do better. I also want to be better.

I guess I am amazed because every time I think I am going to write on a subject, or use it to chair a meeting, it gets switched. Today I am not sure if it’s God or if I just let myself run out of time.

Maybe a bit of both happened. I am thinking God can use our weaknesses and make something beautiful out of it.

It was a really long day I was trying forever to get caught up on a few things. I also wanted to help someone else. I found myself being helped a lot too. What an amazing day, even though I could feel my energy just being drained.

It was time for my ride, and I felt so unprepared, but I grabbed my stuff and went out the door. I am very grateful for rides today. They help me stay connected. We also get time to share before and after each gathering.

Tonight, someone made me realize it was important to share my anniversary/birthday, even though it felt repetitious.

I also learned what I share matters. It can mean so much to someone relatively new, to know others have stayed clean and sober longer than twenty-four hours.

In spite of everything I have still grown, and someone’s been trying to get me to see that. Sure, maybe I have a lot of work still but compared to how I once was. I can put some words together and possibly say a prayer, and every once in a while, even pause.

I am not quitting on myself today. I want to keep going forward even when I get tired.

A long time ago a friend handed me a card with his phone number on it. On the back of the card, it read me, and my friends don’t hurt each other or ourselves today. We still learn today that we do sometimes hurt others and ourselves today.

We just try not to hurt ourselves or others today. I am guilty of both. I keep searching for the next right thing to do.

Sometimes the next right thing to do seems like a tall order this is why we need to stay connected. I can’t do it alone. I do have to do the work and the piper will come, if I ignore my behavior.

Part of what I can do is carry this part of the message and share my journey along the way as living amends. I cannot change without mending my ways. Finally, I just realized as I am writing this, it takes a lot of grace!

I do want to share with you there is a way out of our self-destructive, messed up ways. There is hope and we have to hang on to it and be willing to take the steps out of the insanity.

The last thing I want to say in this entry is that one day is just as important as someone who has 5, 10, or even 15 years. It works. We can start for hope’s door anytime we choose to.

Thank you for reading! As I’ve mentioned I have Facebook Page Boxcar Mike search for me on Facebook and if you want to be friends let me know on that page or drop a comment here and let me know your name. If you just add me without me knowing you, then I will suspect more spam.

This here Boxcar Mike, over and out! God bless y’all everybody!

 

 

Checking Your Foundation and Getting Real

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Hello Again, Everyone!

As I have stated in another post; I believe I did anyway. I am going through the 12 steps again and in preparation I am actually trying to do what is necessary.

It’s no secret I am an alcoholic and addict. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.

I think it’s important to take every suggestion that one has the ability to do. If you can’t I truly believe surrounding yourself with good, quality sobriety is the best way to make it possible. We cannot do this thing alone.

I also believe it all has to be done by design of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am sure many may balk at this. I admit I am using Hazelden’s workbooks, but they are the ones guided by The Big Book and the Book written by two anonymous authors, “A Program for You.”

Today I just read the first chapter and it is jam packed full of facts of exactly how AA began and how the Big Book even came into print, by the first 100 people. Thank goodness for The Oxford Groups and Ebby T bringing the message of hope to Cofounder of AA Bill W.

In this first chapter we learn we learn that the disease is two-fold physical and mental illness. It is a disease that will tell us we don’t have a disease. Yet, we end up in the same situations because nothing changes.

This describes nothing less than insanity when we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. There are so many things this applies to, or so I believe.

We cannot recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind without a spiritual experience. Many experiences though I believe are more of the educational variety as opposed to the lightening bolts and flashes of light. In alcoholism it is the drink that takes the next drink because we get the craving for it and wanting that first euphoria.

While I am almost 15 years clean and sober, I feel that I have a had a break in my spiritual foundation caused by myself. I believe the only way top fix the said foundation is to go back to the beginning of recovery.

It starts even before the admission of defeat this round. Thank goodness, I didn’t need to go back out and drink or use more!

There is no shame in going back and fixing the foundation of your whole system. What would be shameful and sad, even heart breaking for many of my friends, loved ones and myself is to go back out and throw everything away.

I would die never knowing I could be happy, joyous, and free. Today, I know I want to fix the foundation.

It all starts with being honest with yourself, God, and others. Or if you prefer a power greater than yourself. Early on they told me when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. The big motivator is pain.

Pain will drive you to your knees and make you start praying in ways, you haven’t ever thought about maybe ever, or in many years.

One of the things that really made me think was when I was sharing about my anger someone shared with me and others how they watched a person go backward before they died.

The rawness of this disease is you don’t have to take another drink to die from it. I don’t want that to be my legacy. Its time to let of the pain, anger, and even shame.

Day 4 of 3 things to be grateful for in 21 days

  1. My Friend Kassi
  2. Learning Solutions
  3. I am not alone today

This is me getting real! Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike over and out God Bless Everybody!

 

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

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prayer candle

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!”  I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

  1. I am grateful for a meeting
  2. I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
  3. I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

 

Happy Independence Day United States of America!

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Hello Everyone and Happy Independence Day!

This is my Country’s Day of freedom. There have been many brave men and women who have fought and gave what they had for the freedoms here. Many have laid down their lives and died for our freedom.

That in itself deserves the gratitude from all of us, who are benefitting from what they gave. For what we do have, someone else has paid the price. May we never forget that!

Today I am just trying to concentrate on the fact we have freedom.

In my recovery and spiritual well-being freedom of choice is there as well. The freedom from bondage of self that often has the by-product of addiction and illness. We have the freedom to choose to be well today.

The choices we make affects us and those around us. I want to make the healthy choices for myself today. That doesn’t mean I choose what others may want for me. I have to decide for myself what is healthy today.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. We don’t have to stay stuck. It becomes a choice to be free or not. We don’t have to stay sick today.

It comes down to changing our behavior and unlearning the negative ways we have nurtured inside ourselves. This where real freedom is born. It’s not always easy and sometimes we have a real fight on our hands to give up that which we have learned.

Some things have been instilled in us all our life. We have taken lies for truth. This is where we really need to be connected so that hopefully the truth can prevail and break down the walls which we have carefully built brick by brick.

I think about a phrase I often hear and read a lot.  The following taken from page 164 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book “God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order.

But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.”

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then.”

While I have quoted this, I am not saying I have achieved it all. I am working towards it. I do want the freedom and happiness. I want to rightly relate myself to God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him. I choose freedom today!

Thanks for reading!

 

My Writing Helps Me Connect And Belong

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Hey Everyone, it’s BoxcarMike here again!

Writing really is my passion and its been hard to stay connected without writing regularly. Its part of my processing, especially when things don’t make sense.

I get to a point where I have to ride my emotions out, but I can’t let them control my whole life. I have been writing off and on since, 12-14 years old. It’s been important more so since I have been clean and sober. I just forget to make myself a priority as well as my writing.

Keeping thoughts written down was always important. I think even in writing though, its been learning what is true and what is not.

Since starting this blog, I have tried to share who I am and what I believe. I also share about the tools in recovery as prayer and meditation. The need to get out of my own head is very important. We cannot live inside ourselves, otherwise its just one more prison we set up for ourselves. I need the message of hope and I need to pass it on to others. The only way to achieve that is by taking the courage to change myself.

Writing has helped me feel close to God and a way to say things I can’t make in an audible sound. Writing gives me the chance to share as well. I know some can’t believe some of the things that are so embarrassing to share of one’s self. But I think its important to use discretion and in sharing them they lose their powerful hold over me.

Often as people we want to throw out truths about others and shame them in some way. This is true especially if they have hurt us or we have perceived their actions as hurtful. I think my style in this shows I am not afraid to own up to some of the mistakes I have made. Besides, no one can hurt me as good as I can hurt myself. But today its more about me giving those things to God as I understand Him and don’t understand Him.

Sometimes it is really hard trying to make the breakthroughs. But It can be so worth it in the end. Its when we finally cease fighting other people, places, and things. This doesn’t mean we won’t have things crop up. They certainly will crop up, but we can handle them better each time. Sometimes, we don’t handle them well. It doesn’t mean we have failed. We just get another try.

My writing lets me know myself in ways I will never be able to explain as there is always something deep going on. It’s how I have the desire to want to change today and not remain stagnant. I am not willing to give up on me. I have a lot that I am responsible for in taking care of myself just for today.

Writing is good for my soul and it cleanses me so that I can grow. Just for today, I wanted to share this with you.

Thanks for reading!

Ain’t Ya Tired Yet? Trains and Other Things

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All Aboard! The train whistle blows! BoxcarMike Here!

It feels so good to be home! I’ve missed me for a while now. I am okay. I am being given the chance to change on a daily basis.

It’s a great thing this train is conditioned, at 100° heat index outside.  Enjoying my afternoon coffee in the cool air.  I am filled with gratitude as I look back over the past 2 months and June the craziest month of all. I am enjoying my cigarettes too because I am still addicted to them. That’s okay today. They are my form of coping with life, but I also pray and meditate, just not always as I should.

I have learned a lot from gathering around the tables the past couple of years just how much chaos we create for ourselves, in this thing we call life. We gotta play the hand we are dealt; here’s one of my dad’s sayings, work smarter not harder!

I learned from saying one prayer God has not dropped me. I have lived in such doubt, right up to the moment my prayer was answered. I haven’t had to take a drink or a drug, through the insanity I caused somehow. But I did lose me in the mix before maybe even up until today and I ranted about the anniversaries this week brings up for me, I realized I was free and honest. This was with my brothers, sisters, and my mama bear as I call her to myself, and a few others around the table today.

When my prayer was answered and yes, a lot of begging God because unless this prayer was answered, I would probably lose my apartment. I knew I deserved no help. I had so much pride I couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on. I don’t have to share that here either. Its just a fact, things were not okay.

July 4th is The USA’s Independence Day. Well I am hoping to have my own Independence Day as well, from this picc-line.

July 5th represents the day we celebrated my Dad’s life 14 years ago. That same day in 1979 was my independence from a foster home where some traumatic things happened, before I ever met my Mom and Dad. Can I let go of any of it? Some days I can, and some days like today, I get reminders to keep on forgiving.

As usual I weep and feel the raw emotions during my writing. But I’ve missed me so much because in all earnestness I love the sober me. I feel deeply in all things, when I allow myself that freedom.

It was last weekend when it dawned on me so many anniversaries were coming up. I couldn’t figure out why I was so crazy, besides everything at home going on. This weekend when my prayer was answered I heard my friend say this, Ain’t ya tired yet? As I shared this after the gathering with someone else, they said yeah, its time to take action. Am I gonna have to go though some time, of being uncomfortable? Probably. Anything is better than what was/is.

I am sure this writing leaves more questions than answers. Really what it comes down to is, it’s between me and God. Just as your life is between you and that power greater than yourself.

Some days are the hardest in learning the art of letting go. Other days, it’s hardest to know what to hold on to.

I am grateful to my friend and Sister in Christ Nancy for this reminder:

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My Mom and Dad gave me their love and forgiveness, before my Dad died. I gave them my forgiveness and love as well. It is all a process and it is a long journey. It ain’t over until it’s over.

There’s always more people to forgive and the art of accepting forgiveness yourself.

Thanks for reading!