forgiveness

Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

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Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Let It Go, Don’t Shoot The Wounded

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Good Afternoon Everyone!

The past week has been working through things one day at a time.

A week or so ago, I left off with grace being my word for the year. Grace is a real need in my life and important for me to give grace to others. I have been one to always build these monumental images up in my head of how bad a situation can be. In other words, I must look at the fact that some situations just are not that bad.

When things are overwhelming, I seem to lose focus and have a distorted view of reality. Yes, I am saying sometimes my troubles are of my own making whether that is intentional or not. In many ways I can say, “What a relief… it is just my own head.”  I can take a deep breath and say a prayer to pause and ground myself for a moment.

Sometimes the mountain in my life is just tackling the stacks of papers on my desk. I have been grieving over so many I have known over the years just dying in big groups anymore, or so it seems. I have found I have no more words for those dying and I have finally resigned from taking their inventory or fault finding. I am no longer qualified to judge anyone, and the truth is I never was qualified to do so.

It is only in grace that I can even begin to start loving myself, believing the best and seeing the best in others. By grace I can breathe in and out. By grace I can finally admit that the war I have been fighting has been the war of self. I want better for myself.

I have friends who have yelled in a hushed whisper “Mike! Mike! Michael! Let it go!” I never wanted to let go of anything I thought was my cause.  No matter which group of friends I found next, they would all have the same chant. Was there a group all these same friends signed up for after they got to know me? Perhaps so.

In short, I have learned to let go and realize my dog is not in that fight. I still sometimes slip up and fall backwards. The great thing is it does get less and less.

Today most of my friends both present and those whom maybe we do not have a chance to talk, are some of my greatest heroes. I even count my family who I do not get to see, are my superheroes as well. Every single human has fought wars which we may know nothing about.

They say do not shoot the wounded. I was reading that the other day and there was another line after it. You might be the wounded next time. Oh man, it tugged at my heart because that is exactly what I was doing a lot of times. I do not want to be so selfish. Today I want my tribe and myself to be cheerleaders for each other. I believe most of us are exactly that. I am one of my mama’s biggest fans even and I try to show her that same love and care she has for me all these many years. I do not even come close to it in my own mind; however, it does not take much in the fact of my own energy as it takes grace for me to even do it.

Because of grace my mom and I have forgiveness for each other’s mistakes in the past present and future. Love covers a multitude of sins. I have read that before, and I believe it. I wish to walk with everyone I am with along this journey in that same way.

If you are reading this and thinking hogwash, do not give up on me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding Hope So We Don’t Give Up

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sad mature businessman thinking about problems in living room

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Hi Family and Friends,

Each time I get at the keyboard to really be determined to follow through, my writing seems to be directed. Its like I get a slight clue and feels uncertain until it hits home.

I knew the title would be something about being under construction. Sometimes I feel like I need to wear a sign saying I am under construction or, I am just a work in progress. I also think it would be easier if others wore their signs too!

Wouldn’t it be easier, if we knew exactly who it was that lost hope, I mean has no hope left? To really know what that looks like.

I have lived through a few times where I felt I lost all hope. However, I made it through somehow. Evidently, I was able to hang on tighter. However, some people did not get that grip, they slipped, and they did not wake up today. They ran out of hope and they felt there was no one they could tell that to.

Their friends, colleagues, and loved ones are left behind grieving.

I have found I am judgmental of other people. I have a history with accusing others of being judgmental of me. It is one of those areas in my life that still needs work.

I have always figured others, must have it easier. But this is not the case. Its because of judgments like this it makes it even harder for others. That is the truth that I have found.

However, on personal experiences it is hard for everyone.

On the slippery slope of depression no one is immune to it. The sad part is in depression we become much more selfish in ways, if we were in a right mind, we would never treat others the way we do.

In the progression of this writing I am broken hearted. I think it is selfish for me to be broken hearted.

The sad part is a well-known pastor left behind his family with lots of questions, I am sure.

No one has it all together. We all make mistakes and we will make ourselves pay for those mistakes the rest of our lives; or we will let them take our lives from us.

I can only imagine a fraction because none of us know what the final snap was. I have been suicidal before and yet I am still alive. Therefore, I cannot fully know how someone feels, who follows through successfully, in taking their own life.

I do not know if reading this sometime later, will help me in my own times of depression. I can only say this is my way of dealing with something I find tragic and finite.

I guess I would hope that if dealing with someone suicidal, I would get in the way of any plan of ending their own life I could and help them find hope. That is not always possible. The truth is, as people we hide a lot.

My prayer is that God’s peace holds these people together that are truly the ones left behind.

My memory of the one person I mention, is how much he believed in the God of the Fatherless. That they finally be fathered, so that they can be the fathers, they were created to be.

How tragic this is, above all on Mother’s Day Weekend. God’s peace that passes all understanding, to his wife and children.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering Family And Lamenting Over How It Was

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Hi Family and Friends!

I never know what its truly going to be about here in this blog entry until I start typing or pecking away as the case may be.

I mourn a lot about how things once were and how much I have taken for granted over the years.

I have talked about wanting a life plan and trying to take responsibility for my life today.

There is much more to write about why that is important to me today. I grieve over the past with my family and wishing I had treated them warmer and held them more closely than I did.

Nothing has driven the point home more clearly about how I have treated people than living through this pandemic and knowing I cannot be close to family and certain others.

A lot of that is due to how I have treated them and, in some cases, acted as if they did not exist. I really thought that at the time it was about me just hiding inside myself afraid to be present because I did not want to get knocked down

Like it or not, we did that a lot in our family with plain sarcasm or snide remarks. I played in that part. I wish to God I could take it all back and would have been more loving or only plain showed up!

I am lamenting some here over my family and what was and is no longer.

Its priceless when I get to text with my brother and mom. I love them both and their new lives.  I miss my brother’s family and I wish I could give my nephew that hug and share with him about the great things about our family.

The great things are we were all hard workers we grew a garden together. We never hired anyone to fix things we could do ourselves. Some things we just learned as we went.

We did family celebrations. We went to church together. Some where in there was love and I ran away from it many times. I wish I could take back the day when my sister tried to comfort me as we made the choice to let my dad just go peacefully.

I pushed her hand away not because I was rejecting her but because I was trying to ask a question. She never knew that. I never explained it.

I love them all more than anything, but I am not sure we could spend more than a day together at a time.

Just a quick note my dad was going to die no matter what and, in the end, he died on his own terms. I choose to see it that way.

I am writing and confessing this because, there are others out there and you want your family to take all the blame. At one time, before I made peace with my parents, I wanted them to take all the blame.

I will say this because of grace, humility, love, forgiveness, and peace that passes all understanding; I got to love my dad, and my dad got to love me before he died.

Because of this, I also get to love my mom and mom loves me today.

We have a big family there fore I will always have a long way to go in making those lifelong amends.

The other side of the coin for me is I did not know how to be family and I still do not know how. It is just one day at a time. For everything there is a season.

I was told long ago one day you are going to miss this and never get it back. I did not believe them. I wish I had.

I will close with this verse which is appropriate from the Holy Scriptures:

Ecclesiastes 3 English Standard Version (ESV)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Resentments, Bondage, Prayer, Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom!

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Hi Everyone – The following passage is from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 552: 

“If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.  

Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.  

Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.’ 
 
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes.  

And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.” 

I have been reading this and using this as a prayer all week. I am going to keep doing it until it takes for a particular person. I have no reason to doubt it works. I may have to keep doing it for a while. I am willing. 

Everything takes as long as it takes. No one else can do your foot work for you. Even in sponsorship, the sponsor is only there as a guide and to help facilitate your choices. 

I happen to believe that God shows up for the honesty and because of His mercy. Certainly not my mercy. My mercy, is so I can be free and that’s the truth. 

Forgiveness is hard. I must remember this when I am asking it of others, for my wrongs.  

With the practice of forgiving and asking for others to be blessed, I have to believe it gets easier as I go along. It always comes back to honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This is how it works. 

I am hoping to catch up on my posting this weekend, as I have been under the weather all week. That was two weeks ago. 

Now I am trying to get back on track. I now feel better physically and there’s no way to catch up. Now it’s just moving forward. 

  • I am grateful for mercy and forgiveness. 
  • I am grateful for the journey and one more tool to use. 
  • I am grateful God shows up when 2 or more are gathered. 
  • I am grateful I have a choice to change my actions and the end of a chapter. 
  • I am grateful for guidance and maturity ahead of me but also realizing everyone is fallible but probably better seasoned than myself. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to have it all together.  
  • I am grateful no one has it all together. 
  • I am grateful I do the right things even when I don’t want to. 
  • I am grateful for the hand up. 
  • I am grateful it’s also up to me to pass on what I have been given. 

The bonus for today is even if it feels like a train wreck, it’s not the end of the world. The sun will rise again, regardless. 

Thanks for reading! This post took about three weeks to finish. 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

There Is A Way Of Changing Your Ending

/ boxcarmike / 3 Comments
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Hello Everyone! 

It’s great to be able to be back on a laptop even if temporarily, until I get one of my own. 

The past two weeks have thrown me with the laptop dying and a weeks’ worth of gatherings missed. I also am enduring a loss of my vehicle having to sell it. It’s a great loss to me and all of these things combined, haven’t exactly made me feel too spiritual.  

I am grateful for the lessons learned and it doesn’t mean I have to like the turn of events, rather I get to walk through them. 

I have mentioned the lack of gatherings and therefore I also have had a lack in remaining grateful in this walk. Consistency and gratitude are important in this journey.  

It takes walking through the valley to start climbing upward and I cannot do it alone, at any time. 

So far along this journey you all have been with me as I hit a snag after snag. I have had reasons for each one but now it’s time to push ahead so I don’t stay stuck.  

Part of not staying stuck means forgiving other people as I have been forgiven and even thanking people for their patience with me. I can’t stay in anger or allow it control me. I may have to feel the anger but it’s important I let it go even with some bitter tears as my heart breaks.  

The difference is now I have an answer to that heart break and I can change the end of that story. That’s a true gift given to me to change some of the endings, where I didn’t realize I had a choice before. My heart does not have to break.  

I honestly made a decision this afternoon to give up the anger forgive because the anger will kill me. (I’ve taken lots of breaks in writing this post entry). I even had to make a decision on two more losses this afternoon. I refuse to be angry over them. Moving forward is all that counts right now. 

I am going to keep doing the Gratitude Lists because they do keep me somewhat centered in today. Even as I write this one of those losses, I mentioned that happened this afternoon is coming back to me. So, it seems it is all in foot work. 

Yes, I do believe we have to write stuff out. I do believe we have to pray and meditate. Sometimes we have to share in a general way and share specifics in private.  

Even if we disagree with others, we need to hear them out. They just may have a solution.  

The sad stories we have can have happier endings if we are open enough to try. Many hugs, prayers, and love all go into my program. It’s not all blood, sweat, and tears. Not today, anyway.  

Before today I was not sure there was a way out. There is a way out and sometimes it means working your butt off and stepping back. When I freed the anger of one, I was able to go to someone else and say thank you for being patient with me these past couple of years to another and he said, peace brother! 

I wish peace to all of you as well.  

  • I am grateful for friends who tell me the truth.  
  • I am grateful for forgiveness and peace. 
  • I am grateful that right things get replaced and the things we must give up are done for our own best interest. 
  • I am grateful for being trusted today. 
  • I am grateful I am truly loved by others and that I am learning to love in the right ways. 
  • I am grateful that there is a way out and I don’t have to stay stuck.  
  • I am grateful to see the majestic clouds in the sky today 
  • I am grateful to just be a small part of this world. 
  • I am grateful for being able to take a step back and breathe. 
  • I am grateful for unity and the ability for being true to myself all in the process of letting go. It’s okay today. 

I especially want to thank my church people you know who you are and I hope those of you who read this pass this on to others who may not see it. I love you all. 

Thank you to all my readers. 

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike Over and out! 

God Bless Y’all everybody!