forgiveness

Merry Christmas To All My Friend Family And Readers

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Hey, Y’all!

Merry Christmas!

As I reflect on Christmas in the past, I am grateful for all the years I have had with my family. I realize how often I took those moments for granted, never considering that loved ones would one day be gone. However, I choose to focus on joy because those people are now at peace, and the ones who are still here mean more to me than ever.

Living out my faith has profoundly changed my life. This Christmas has been a deeply cleansing experience for my soul. This journey will require ongoing effort, as I’m only beginning to understand what true surrender means. It involves embracing the moments when God takes hold of all my life.

At this time in my faith walk it means, casting out the negative thoughts and fears. Getting rid of imagination forced upon me. It is like when we get unsolicited advice. We did not ask for advice yet; it was forced upon our brains. We must go with the truth we already have.

My heart was broken shortly after my release from the hospital in the past two or three weeks. While I may still feel the effects of the events that happened; I have the truth inside me. What is more,  I believe my support is unmoved. The truth is the truth.

God has not brought me this far to drop me now.

I felt God say to me, “You are not going under.” I must go with the positive. I am giving God all my pain both physical and emotional pain.

I am asking God for direction, while I am taking direction from my prayer partner and medical team. My life is changing before my eyes. Instead of giving a flat-out no to direction, I am meeting people halfway and trying to be open to more. I am getting stronger even though I notice little problems with other things that are so insignificant, compared to the biggest nemesis.

God is faithful and His word does not return void. Therefore, I want to be faithful to God. I hope I get the chance to share this with everyone going through the challenges, stubbornness, and the same hard-headedness I have had.

The truth is they may not listen. However, a seed gets planted. A seed was planted in me. I believe and I am holding onto hope for myself and others.

1 Peter 1:16 (ESV)

16 since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” 

In this past year and some just in the last few weeks, there are things I have learned, and I am thankful for.

  1. God will lead me if I ask Him to.
  2. Hope will not die as long as we keep our faith feeding it.
  3. Hope gives us faith to hold on to.
  4. Action is the only way we can change.
  5. Change may be the result of evil men, but God brings the good out of it and you find if two people are being tried to be removed from your support they support you anyway.
  6. Soul cleansing is needed from time to time.
  7. Family are people we have taken for granted hold them and hug them tight. They are gone before we know it, just as we may be gone before we know it.
  8. Faith is a walk we cannot fake, and we can make it through with God’s help.
  9. Asking in the morning for help, correcting and making right a wrong or mistake as soon as we can, and thanking Him at night, gives a clean heart and conscience.
  10. Forgiveness, Grace, Love, and our apologies are strong and moving actions

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

It Is Okay To Not Be Okay

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Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all,

I came back to writing finally.

I am dealing with a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual subjects as usual for all of us. We all have a lot to deal with daily. I want to say, I am willing to face it all. It is just a day at a time. Right?

Sunday, I felt touched by a short video I watched. I am botching it by summarizing what it said. Yesterday needed you today, we need you, and tomorrow we will need you, please do not quit. Do not give up. So many people care about you and love you. You are loved and needed.

Just because we do not talk deeply with everyone, does not mean we are not a hope for someone else. It also does not mean the same people who are not deep with us, are not giving us hope. Sometimes things suck.

The only way to get through the hard things in life is to face them We walk through those things, feel the feelings, and work through them. Taking the necessary steps is hard. No one said it would be easy or painless.

I have been dealing with chronic physical issues. I am also facing the fact that I need to deal with grief and loss. I am dealing with emotional and spiritual issues too. All of it has emotional and spiritual aspects. It all comes down to fear and anger. Anger because I am not in charge or better yet, in control.

Face everything and recover. We should look at it this way instead.

Face

Everything

And

Recover

Do you see, facing everything and recovering reveals fear? I have learned this in the past, but I need reminders. There is also a fact of me maybe facing things before, but finding even old things come back up because of not being perfect, I only dealt with them as far as I could understand it at the time.

Just because you work on things once or a thousand times, does not mean there is not more work to do.

I recently told someone that as much as I am sarcastic with I am also sarcastic with God and they told me they argued with God! This is someone whom I consider of a handful of people, I see, as the most devout  Christian I know.

At that moment, I admitted to myself that it was freeing because I had been mad at God for not granting me my wishes. Sarcasm is a form of anger. I am not okay because: I want to say I am doing great. I have no resentments; I am at peace with everything.

I am not okay because I am angry with God that He has allowed the death of precious loved ones, and that negative things keep happening.

In the meantime, I am dealing with these issues with a professional. I am also using the twelve-step program. It will work because God is not going anywhere. I have work to do and much to prepare for.

The biggest help is that 99% of my fears will not even happen.

I have a great support system. I must use my words instead of keeping everything bottled up.

God can manage all my emotions. He is not going to fall apart because I am mad at Him. It is going to be okay.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Freezing and fleeing keep the problems hanging over my head. It becomes heavy baggage that stops me from receiving anything good because; everything is a complaint and nothing is good enough.

That said, I need to find those things for which I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for the support when I need it.
  2. I am thankful for the words to write.
  3. I am thankful for an unexpected visit.
  4. I am thankful for reminders and knowing how to take care of myself; even, in this time of waiting and seeing.
  5. I am thankful for Communion, forgiveness, and the ability to forgive.
  6. I am thankful for provisions.
  7. I am thankful for lymphedema pumps.
  8. I am thankful I can walk.
  9. I am thankful for my nurse’s supplies
  10. I am thankful I can pay my bills.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

If Forgiveness Was Easy Would It Be Forgiving?

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Remembering my plants 2023

Hey, Y’All,

It has been a while since my last blog post entry. It seems I say that starting every entry.

Going through my journey has taught me a lot of life lessons. Some of those lessons I keep repeating. Some lessons I cannot seem to grasp. It is very similar to banging my head against the wall.

Before I share my experience lesson with forgiveness, I want to share I did celebrate 19 years of sobriety and clean time. You see this time is not possible without the work put into it. It is done because people have helped place tools before me and their help in guiding me.

Forgiveness comes down to letting go of my thoughts and realigning them with harmony in this life. It takes prayer and asking forgiveness for myself. Even in what I imagine as harm to myself I can cause harm to others. In most cases, I have done just that.

I must realize once more that I am powerless over people, places, and things. My dependence upon God in this lesson is vital yet, I feel far away. I am asking for his help and again letting go of the rock that will for sure drown me.

Forgiveness is akin to going through grief to process everything.

This weekend may not be the healthiest I have been coping with the sadness by eating comfort foods and being thankful for the same plants that were destroyed through what I perceived as harmful to me.

Someone else gave them to give me happiness and hope. I went through anger and perhaps some anger is still left. I am mostly sad and feel bad that I allowed it to make me angry. Then I cried and felt bad that perhaps I even appeared ungrateful for the original gift. I am grateful I was given the chance to grow something living.

My tomatoes were just beginning to grow, and the peppers were just multiplying. To have it all stopped by things beyond my control was heartbreaking!

All of life and living things and beings are a gift. How blessed we are to experience life in different ways.

Just like anything else you work for and work through, forgiveness means freedom.

Forgiveness has become another lesson in freedom and once more doing the next right thing. It is important to be the best version of me I can be.

The best version of me means being good to others and myself. It means taking care of myself and doing what is necessary to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Forgiveness means I am not blocking any healing.

Change is uncomfortable but necessary. I must do whatever is necessary to make it through this situation at hand. Including finding a healthy closure so it can be put to rest. It will take physical work to make the symbolic pieces laid to rest. I want peace more than being right. I must remind myself of how often I have been forgiven.

This has been one of the hardest lessons to walk through.

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

Numerous Anniversaries Some Sweet Some Not So Sweet

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Angel On My Patio 2022

Hey, Y’all!

This blog post entry, I started earlier this month. I am going to bring it up to date because I cannot let it go unfinished. I am still editing this blog post entry as late as a day before this month’s last day.

While celebrations are usually defined as happy occasions, some are bitter-sweet. Some anniversaries are just sad. The latest mark on the calendar is one that is bitter-sweet.

I have felt a whole gamut of emotions. My life is both different and the same. I named the weekend of July 4th, as my Independence Day a couple of years ago. I was released from a skilled- rehabilitation unit.

I have signed 8 leases in total, since moving to these apartments. I moved once as a condition of my being released from the rehabilitation unit, securing a street-level apartment. I have made it my home.

My life got better, it got worse, and now it is better again.

However, it is spiritual and takes believing God exists especially when things are beyond our control. We scream out in fear, wanting control. The heart pounds heavy. The tears seem endless. The realization comes to us that we are dependent upon prayers and faith.

This is not unlike my last post that it takes friends, family, God, hope, love, faith, prayers, meditation, forgiveness, and letting go. It all works together with balance and checks.

Real recovery is taking steps to be freed from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. It does not happen without a spiritual experience.

For me, the spiritual part only began after finding gratitude. Without gratitude, we have no hope.

One thing is for sure, as my grandma would say, “The sun will rise again in the morning.” My grandma said this was hope, and that we always have hope because Jesus lives in our hearts.

One more important thing my grandma said was when I was mad that it was okay, I was mad. “You will get glad in the same pants you got mad in.” I did not always listen to my grandma especially when she told me I needed to make things right. She was usually referring to making things right with my dad.

It would take a long time to follow that advice. Eventually, grace and mercy would come into the picture to change things. I take that back. Grace and mercy have always been in the picture, rather it has taken a bit for it to be acknowledged by changing and making things right.

Some things I have not been able to make right. Thank goodness for forgiveness.

While I needed forgiveness it has been just as important, I forgive as well to let go of that which holds me back and it is the only way to heal. If something pops up to drudge up old feelings, I must repeat the process. To forgive is a most holy moment of setting me free.

I need reminders often that always it is my job to forgive now since much has been forgiven of me. Unforgiveness makes me stay sick and stuck.

I must remember this with all people. All means all.

A calendar of anniversaries has taught me a lot about life. Every day you must be thankful for the experience.

Today as I close, I will miss my grandma forever on this side of Heaven. But I have the hope of seeing her again on the other side.

Romans 14:8 (ESV)

8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I Have Fought My Unbelief To Believe Him

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July 1st, 2023 Elephant Rocks State Park Belleview Missouri

Hey Y’all!

It has been a while since I have been active in blogging. I have been fighting infections with the help of doctors, nurse practitioner, and nurses. My driver has also been instrumental in helping me as well. My mama, grandma, and lots of people have been praying as well. I have learned a lot about myself and my faith in these recent events.

Following directions, having faith, and doing the best I can to be compliant is important during these times especially when seeking healing. I think of the following scripture: Mark 9;24 ESV 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” I have found it important for me to listen to faith-filled podcasts with scriptures speaking about faith and healing. During my first full night of praying and listening I felt a physical change happen as I asked for healing. I was in fear of facing amputation and it did so happen that amputation thus far has been avoided.

It has been challenging to check my attitude at the door. It is important even more so to forgive others and let go of resentments. It can be a battle of my will against faith and belief in healing. Anger can turn toxic and cause me harm. It works against healing. It is a scientific fact that anger and resentment are poison to us. I find myself talking to myself saying let it go. It feels like I am saying let it go constantly and I am resentful for the fact that I am the one having to let it go all the time.

However, I am also the one asking for forgiveness all the time as well. Change is constant for me to grow. Here is the other part. There is a scripture that states the following: James 4:1-3 ESV.

4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions[a] are at war within you?[b] 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Some translations just say you have not because ask not, however, I love this translation because it gets to the root of mankind holding on always wanting more.

When I do my self-inventory, it does come down to at least thinking someone else has a bigger portion or a better portion. The reality is we do not know what someone else has had to walk through or go through to get their portion, who knows maybe that is their final portion upon this earth.

I still have a lot of steps to go through in this healing. Sometimes the healing is already there, and it is about making the most of what we have and letting go of the toxicity.  This reveals the gift we already have. I want healing and a clean slate. I do not wish to hang on to anger and forgiveness.

The walk to healing means work but the healing itself is a gift.

This brings me to the point of gratitude.

I am convinced that being grateful is just as important as breathing. Without gratitude, we cease to exist. We have no faith without gratitude. We also have no faith without gratitude. Finding one thing to be grateful for grows our faith which is important in healing.

Perhaps at the end of the day, it comes down to letting go in general to finding we have had more all along.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Letting Go Of What Weighs You Down

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My Plants June 2023

Hey, Y’all!

Today I want to share about how we can create the life we want to live. If we want something, we must work for it. We must let go of negative thoughts that weigh us down so that we can build meaningful lives. We build a bedrock for us to live life on purpose.

We begin by choosing what we want, instead of drifting along hoping something good falls in our laps.

I am taking stock of my own life as I write this blog post entry.

Stopping the behaviors that no longer serve us frees us that much more. Letting go of resentments and bitterness. Yes, even jealousy and envy of others who have made their lives doing exactly what they want. Instead of being jealous, we can see them shining a light on our pathway instead.

We can make our dreams a reality if we do the work needed.

We take the necessary actions regardless of how we feel. Our feelings and moods cannot make our dreams come true. Being honest with ourselves about our feelings, moods, and resentments is the practice of self-awareness.

If we write it all out and make a conscious choice, to let go and forgive what has been done to us. Admit what we have done to others and ask for forgiveness. None of us are innocent by word, thought, and deed.

We get out of all the negative and start working on the positive such as having something we can be grateful for.

Exercise is also important no matter how much we get our body moving and stop being a lump in our bed.

No matter where we are presently, we can say to ourselves, “Things will not always be this way.” I can tell you my life has gotten different since learning to say this and learning to take direction from others.

The next thing I am presently learning along with placing boundaries for self-preservation is, “Happy people do things that make them happy.”

I want to be happy and dream big without letting life just slide past me.

Doing the smallest thing to make ourselves feel better. Making our lives simpler is also key. Getting rid of the clutter in our minds and home helps us be able to build brick by brick.

Sister Theresa first said, “Do it anyway.”

A lot of us have had lives built on fear, at least previously. Broken, messy, stuck, and alone.

It is by acting on changing our lives just even by changing our thoughts to positive thoughts and to be encouraging to others and ourselves. I desire to live a real and happy life.

In the picture above are my two plants, the one on the left is a Mammoth Jalapeno Pepper Plant, and the one on the right is a Beef Steak Tomato Plant. A friend started these for me. It is now my job to enjoy these plants and help them grow by nurturing them and watering them.

They are thriving. And so it is with my own life, my job to grow and nurture the good life within me so I can thrive.

I can be the future me by doing simple things.

10 Reasons why I want this for me:

  1. I want to be happy.
  2. I desire a change for more positivity.
  3. I love me.
  4. I want to light the path for others as we walk each other home.
  5. I want a legacy.
  6. It is worth it. Because I am worth it.
  7. Proof that change is possible.
  8. I want to grow and thrive by the choices I make.
  9. I do not want to be stuck.
  10. I believe God will help me do better.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (ESV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life Changing Heard Forgiveness Is For The Forgiver

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Photo by Duren Williams on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I heard this in a message two weeks ago. Though this is not new to me, it is a fact. I believe it is our thoughts that make forgiveness difficult. Thoughts become feelings if we do not stop the thoughts.

For instance, in writing this blog post entry I have had many thoughts as someone was in the room to interrupt me. I became angry and annoyed by anything they did. I do not always get the choice to write while being alone in the room.

What does this mean? I have a resentment and lack of trust for them. It is a basic trust issue. I am unsure why or what it is other than behaviors I do not care for. Yet, these behaviors are some of the same ones I have exhibited before as well.

Because we have grown in an area others may not have, we place ourselves above them. It still comes down to protecting ourselves from things we learned that are hurtful. We do not wish to feel that hurt or necessarily cause that same hurt. Do we not still want others that cause us to hurt to pay handsomely? After all, we had to pay, so they should pay!

I know as I rewrite this blog post, many conversations are taking place in my head. My thoughts are having court take place and I become the judge. Many times, it comes down to dismissing the cases. How do we let the cases go? It is difficult as the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts are more annoying than the acts we see. We must free ourselves before we can free anyone else.

Every act of forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves, allowing our negative thoughts, hurts, and behaviors of others to take root in us.

I attest to the fact when the actions of others take root in me unless  I stop the thoughts, I begin rationalizing my revenge.

If I can stop the thoughts and step back, I  have a chance to redirect my focus. It may mean distancing myself long enough to work through the feelings I have allowed. I must look within myself and take stock of my actions. If I just ignore the situation, an innocent bystander may get the brunt of my wrath.

I have been embarrassed by my behavior. Was being embarrassed enough to change my behavior? Not most of the time. Why? Because I believed I could hide my behaviors and embarrassment. I kept the vicious cycle going. It kept me locked within myself. I could not be free. This is still true unless I forgive myself.

If I am not careful when I step back I isolate myself with my thoughts instead of working through them. This is damaging to my soul. I must take control of my thoughts, so my thoughts do not take control of me.

Recently,  I binge-watched a show I love and have seen every episode before. It shows a woman wrestling with her belief in God. I will not tell you the name of the show, because I am not sure it is healthy to watch. To get to my point every time I am wrestling with myself, I find I am wrestling with God and my beliefs.

There’s also a song some of us, once sang for communion, and in that song was a line, “if I don’t back down I hope you win.” This is where I am every time I want to be centered and let go.

We can wear unforgiveness like a rock around our necks or we can let go of that rock, to save ourselves.

Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? ” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Forgiveness comes down to loving my neighbor as myself. Man, I hope I hear that!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Asleep Behind The Keyboard Mindful of Myself

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Photo by Marcus Aurelius on Pexels.com

Hey Everybody,

I fell asleep in my office chair extremely exhausted. This week the not so pretty parts of my story have become known. The writer part of me cannot hold back what the answers are in my journey; and the spiritual side will not let me hide those things at least in general.

My goal has always been to be authentic and true to myself. To walk and be free of the bondage of self is the ultimate. I will do my best to never tell anyone’s story but my own.

I have been trying to unlearn the masking process and the pretend way of life. I had no prior knowledge of even writing this tonight. Lots of things seem to be happening that I have not planned to share. I do not share the negative parts because I am proud of them.

I have been sharing everything to finally be free, find understanding, as well as help another person.

Just maybe finally the cycle of insanity can be broken. I do believe that there are parts of our lives that can heal in the blink of an eye, but mostly a lot of my healing has come in the form of education. Taking the steps to freedom means work.

I will be the first to tell you I am lazy when it comes to working. Once I start and I am in the salt mines of these steps, I am working! I just did not realize I would take a season for each thing. I am hoping to move faster.

I have to say in my past work, I thought a lot of the amends were to everyone I shared about in previous steps. They are to a degree but a lot more are related to my shortcomings and refusal of letting go at times. I have dreams and thoughts come to me to prepare for the future of my journey. They are painful and gut-wrenching ones.

I have said I could author a book about my own life. Every one of us, could take our lives and make a movie about them. I am just not sure we would want every scene to play out in front of everyone. Thank goodness we can change. We can heal, forgive, we can be forgiven, and sweep our side of the street.

Most of what I learn is from someone else, who has been taught by someone else. The latest phrase I do have to share is simply this, learning to stay in our own lane. If I can just stay in my own lane and not be nosey about your lane, I will do well.

My goodness! My own lane has enough work, without me wanting to stick my nose in where it does not belong! This does not mean we stop communication; we just keep the necessary boundaries and be supportive when we can.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Let It Go, Don’t Shoot The Wounded

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Photo by Anthony on Pexels.com

Good Afternoon Everyone!

The past week has been working through things one day at a time.

A week or so ago, I left off with grace being my word for the year. Grace is a real need in my life and important for me to give grace to others. I have been one to always build these monumental images up in my head of how bad a situation can be. In other words, I must look at the fact that some situations just are not that bad.

When things are overwhelming, I seem to lose focus and have a distorted view of reality. Yes, I am saying sometimes my troubles are of my own making whether that is intentional or not. In many ways I can say, “What a relief… it is just my own head.”  I can take a deep breath and say a prayer to pause and ground myself for a moment.

Sometimes the mountain in my life is just tackling the stacks of papers on my desk. I have been grieving over so many I have known over the years just dying in big groups anymore, or so it seems. I have found I have no more words for those dying and I have finally resigned from taking their inventory or fault finding. I am no longer qualified to judge anyone, and the truth is I never was qualified to do so.

It is only in grace that I can even begin to start loving myself, believing the best and seeing the best in others. By grace I can breathe in and out. By grace I can finally admit that the war I have been fighting has been the war of self. I want better for myself.

I have friends who have yelled in a hushed whisper “Mike! Mike! Michael! Let it go!” I never wanted to let go of anything I thought was my cause.  No matter which group of friends I found next, they would all have the same chant. Was there a group all these same friends signed up for after they got to know me? Perhaps so.

In short, I have learned to let go and realize my dog is not in that fight. I still sometimes slip up and fall backwards. The great thing is it does get less and less.

Today most of my friends both present and those whom maybe we do not have a chance to talk, are some of my greatest heroes. I even count my family who I do not get to see, are my superheroes as well. Every single human has fought wars which we may know nothing about.

They say do not shoot the wounded. I was reading that the other day and there was another line after it. You might be the wounded next time. Oh man, it tugged at my heart because that is exactly what I was doing a lot of times. I do not want to be so selfish. Today I want my tribe and myself to be cheerleaders for each other. I believe most of us are exactly that. I am one of my mama’s biggest fans even and I try to show her that same love and care she has for me all these many years. I do not even come close to it in my own mind; however, it does not take much in the fact of my own energy as it takes grace for me to even do it.

Because of grace my mom and I have forgiveness for each other’s mistakes in the past present and future. Love covers a multitude of sins. I have read that before, and I believe it. I wish to walk with everyone I am with along this journey in that same way.

If you are reading this and thinking hogwash, do not give up on me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!