Change

Dude, Where Is Your Peaceful Joy?

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Let the dominoes lay where they fall! I will pick them up one at a time. I cannot get them all at once because that is taking on too much. I can only deal with one thing at a time. Since it is only one, it means getting my peace and joy back.

I have the door open for fresh air and my worship music going to help me combat the insanity taking place outside my door as I write. I pray silently inside.

I have not written since Thursday of last week followed by two different snowfalls of insignificant amounts that were unexpected. I keep letting things interrupt me. I am bothered by not being back one hundred percent since my stay in the hospital.

Here I am, two or three weeks later. I have my coffee at almost 10 am, with a breakfast of scrambled eggs, butter, and red plum jam toast. I am running way behind. This breakfast tastes good.

I am still healing and will share more positive notes on that soon.

This week is bittersweet as I have my private way of saying goodbye to a friend who left this world and mixed it with the Holiday of Thanksgiving. I have so much gratitude in my heart for this friend of mine, Millie. She and I shared many meals and watched ballgames together.

Millie was always thankful and lived a life that way as she was proud of and loved her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

It saddens my heart she is gone but grateful she made the world a better place for anyone alone.

Finally, here we are back at the question that started this entry. Dude, where is your peaceful joy?

I get off track and 30let 03other things blind me. Anger hurts, and I lose touch with myself. I must keep current and when I fail my routine, I lose that peaceful joy.

Today I am hearing the music once more, as it plays in the background, and it is bringing me peace.

I must keep grounded and do my absolute best at staying in my twenty-four hours. It is in doing the next right remembering to have and living out my life in thankfulness for the gift of each day.

It is a gift to be able to live today and not fall apart and be inconsolable. I never understood how selfish that can be when others need more from me.

Grieving is a tricky thing that can keep you on a slippery slope that just can keep you trapped. I have been wrapped up in myself enough. It comes down to priorities and keeping up with a plan that keeps me more balanced.

I am ready to do better for myself and still allow time for me to heal fully.

I cannot afford the time for anxiety. If only, taking the suggestions offered adds something to the life I want to live and the person I grow to be.

It is time to get up and act for the day.

Find your gratitude today and live it out.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Reframing The Negative Thoughts We Get Changes Feelings

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I have borrowed this from Dandelion quotes .com

Hey, Y’all!

It has been another minute since my last writing.

I am here to share my experience, strength, and hope. My experience is going through repetitive lessons. Most of life seems to be a repetition.

I am experiencing a lot of the same lessons. My lessons go deeper in learning more each time.

I am picking this piece of writing from last week. I write a thought. Yesterday, the nurse said I needed to go to The Emergency Room by today. It conjured up all kinds of thoughts and feelings.

I am in the middle of getting my clothes and hygiene items together on the high probability of admission to the hospital. I am very scared by the conversation we had. I cannot be more specific. Suffice it to say I went into meltdown mode.

I had to call or text my tribe members. I am following through in fear. I have learned from past mistakes, not to put things off until I have no choice left.

I have cried out of fear and raised unanswerable questions. I must believe that God will make things okay, but that faith is weak right now. I tell most people; I wish that someone could just hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I wish I could just know that there is nothing to fret about.

There are considerations and things I do not know that only doctors can decide on. I wish that I could walk away with no consequences. The fear of the unknown is strong. For every action, there is a consequence.

I must get some breakfast, take my medication, make my regular morning phone call, and come back to explain how I am going to reframe my negative thoughts.

I first had to produce a plan in just the last few minutes.

I am going to face this dragon head-on. There is already an X-ray ordered which I will have done when I first get to the hospital, and then go directly to the ER.

The negative thoughts are still an issue, but I shall overcome them. I fear the things required for my health. I am not looking forward to a Picc Line in my arm limiting my activity.

Reframing these thoughts means I am in fear of the unknown. I am not a medical professional therefore the orders will be to help me heal properly and safely. Everyone wants me in good health. I want myself in good health.

I am willing to follow the instructions needed to get through this bump in the road.

While things may be frightening, I will walk this road and see the courage I have gained by following through. I will lose the fear with each step I take forward.

I want to be good to myself and trust in God’s plan for me. I will come out on top of this and not lose control of my emotions or let everything be based on fear.

This is my journey as I am reporting on it today.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Thankfulness For The Tools In My Toolbox

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Farmington, Missouri

Hey, Y’all!

I know it has been a few days. It has been hard to keep on top of my game. However, I have managed to make it through each day regardless.

  1. I am thankful for having gratitude as one of my tools
  2. I am thankful for the ability to take inventory of my behavior and motives.
  3. I am thankful for being able to follow directions and take suggestions.
  4. I am thankful for knowing how to pause when necessary.
  5. I am thankful for the truth and to know when I am lying to myself.
  6. I am thankful there are muscles to stretch. Taking the time to stretch those muscles before just using them is advisable.
  7. I am thankful for outside resources and for being able to express my needs.
  8. I am thankful for the people in my life who hear me practice before I find myself in a situation.
  9. I am thankful I can call myself out and admit I am wrong.

Today, it is about finding the answers and keeping my side of the street clear. There is always room for improvement. I do not always make the right choices. I am not perfect. I just hope to do better than the day before.

I watch things happen and sometimes they seem to happen in slow motion. However, as I am ready to scream no, it is often too late.

I do not have to participate in the insanity. I can make better choices. Yet here I am.

To not make a choice is leaving myself open to the insanity of this life.

I have more self-respect than that. I want more for myself than just allowing things to happen to me. I want to enjoy life and be free.

There is something about minding my own business and doing my best to lead a quiet life.

This is not to say I do not get excited about life and want to live life out loud.

It is those quiet moments of a pause with coffee, prayer, and thought given to the day ahead, where I will find the most peace.

It is an important part of my day to strengthen me, for the tasks ahead.

My actions for the day:

I will choose joy.

I will choose happiness.

I will be in pursuit of peace as far as it depends on me, that together we can make it through this day.

I am responsible for my choices. I am responsible when anyone reaches for help so that I can at least point them in the direction of help.

Most times, most people just need their thoughts and fears heard. It is in listening that I can provide the most comfort. What most people need is someone to listen. We all need someone to listen.

It is the encouragement found in pausing, reflecting, sharing, and engaging with one another, that brings about the courage to keep pressing on. We keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We just do the best we can, and in doing the next right thing, we can sleep at night.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I am Starting With Thankfulness With Another Self-Talk

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The Bluffs 2016

Hey, Y’all!

I am here and ready to share my thankfulness and another conversation in my head.

  1. I am thankful for early morning calls.
  2. I am thankful for the moments of silence and prayer with my coffee.
  3. I am thankful for the challenges to help me see when things can go right. Going right does not mean it always goes my way. Going right means it is good and often it is way better than my plans.
  4. I am thankful when I feel like crap, I can choose to make it better by choosing to be more positive. It takes just doing one thing at a time and remembering to encourage others!
  5. I am thankful my alone time is more solitude and a chance to claim sanity.
  6. I am thankful I am not the same person as six months ago.
  7. I am thankful for not having to wrestle with my honesty and sanity like I once did.

Today, I can see more choices set before me. I am thankful I get to participate in my own life instead of waiting for things to happen. There are things and people that are important to me. I am important to me today.

I can care for those close to me and listen to others. I pass on to others what I have. I get up when I fall. I know when to ask for help more so than I used to. I can follow directions. Sometimes in life, we must back and reread the directions.

I am thankful for the people in my life not giving up on me.

I am thankful for my recovery and spirituality. When a day comes along and not always feeling it, I can take a longer pause, say a prayer, and change my view.

You are going to do better because you want better. You are better.

You finally dropped the rock to grab the life preserver. You are well into the continuous journey of making wrongs right. You are having regular conscious contact with God seeking through meditation. You are going through and admitting when you are wrong more quickly and seeking to make things right where wrong has taken place.

You pass on your experience, strength, and hope and do your best to not claim anything you do not have. You have more clarity as the journey contuses.

You have hope today that you have never had before. It is never just enough because we learn until our last breath. We learn as we change. We change as we take necessary action.

The strength and bonds you have with people are much stronger. You hold life closer and try to not take for granted the time we have left on this earth.

Failure is never final if we get up. Our past does not have to dictate the future.

Hold on to thankfulness, hope, peace, and love. One more day of packing into the stream of life and not just taking from it.

This is how we live.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Hearing Someone’s Story I Step Back From The Spiral

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Bismarck, Missouri

Hey, Y’all!

I woke up at 4:15 am today. I am still working on my coffee. I woke up mad. I am disgusted, mad, perplexed, and in general on the edge ready to spiral again. I pause long enough to read in our local gossip area someone reaching out for help.

Now was the time for the judges, jury, and executioners of our fine county to decide if the person was worthy of helping. More than a handful thought so, was the verdict! Humanity is back at work despite the doubters.

For the back story of the person needing help. It was a pregnant woman due in ten days needing a safe place for her and her kids. Food and money for gas to make it to another state which would take a couple of days drive.

The thing about it is, that she was only asking for places to get food. She did not ask anyone for anything. Thankfully, people stepped up and she was grateful. Someone paid for a hotel room, and someone bought food. She also had half the gas money needed to make her trip to her family that was waiting for her and the kids.

This melted my heart.

I am stepping back from the edge again. I do not want to spiral down.

My coffee has started waking me up some. It is in my dad’s coffee mug I have held on to it since my mom gave it to me sometime after my dad’s death. I think even once going through a homeless phase I have held on to it and determined to have coffee no matter what.

It is my piece of peace to feel as though I might be sharing a cup of coffee with him.

I did get to see my dad in a dream this past week. I want to come back to this in a minute. I must catch you up on my readiness to spiral and what has gotten to me first!

I must confess. I have done some screaming, cussing, crying, talking, and sharing. I have not found it necessary to punch a hole in the wall, yet. I sure have envisioned it! I am thinking it through now. A broken hand, another trip to the emergency room, destruction of property that I do not own, and repairs.

What has made me so angry?

I have an infection in my wounds! I am angry because it was preventable, and I did not cause it! It boils down to insurance and money! I had gone nine months infection free! It is a bad infection; it may take having PICC Line once more! Why? Insurance and money.

Thank you, said Insurance Management Company, unsaid!

I feel the swelling and the pain. I started the regular oral antibiotics. I am changing the wraps at home as well as at the wound clinic for now.

Tomorrow I am going to get labs done before entering the wound clinic.

I thought to myself. I can be angry because of this infection. Where is it going to get me in reality? Nowhere!

I switched to this management company because they offered a free monthly food card and extra services. The food and the services are not free. This could cost me dearly! But that is not how they presented it to me.

No, I will not take the blame for this! Believe me, when I say, I have some choice words about this whole situation!

Now back to seeing my dad in a dream. There was a clear river flowing steadily. I stood on the bank right close as if I were to cross. My dad was on the other side of the river, on a bank. He was still wearing his glasses, but much thinner in a blue shirt. No expression on his face, just staring straight through me and the dream ended.

I first thought it is my time to cross, but on second thought, it is not my time. Incidentally, this dream was before I knew about the infection.

It makes sense as it is time to fight this infection!

I think about the song Alison Krauss sings, “Down To The River To Pray.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Staying Miserable Is Not A Choice I Choose

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Leadington August 2022

Hey, Y’all!

Today I just wanted to clear up my statement in my last post. I have done enough rehashing of last week’s trip to the Emergency Room. I am grateful things were not more serious they looked questionable for a while, and even some throughout this week with headaches and lightheadedness.

Sometimes things pop up to derail us from the journey we are on. We get to evaluate ourselves in these times. How will we react emotionally? Where is our gratitude? What are we willing to let go of? Where is our self-care? You also look to see who surrounds you.

I am thankful for the people around me today.

I am thankful I can follow some simple directions.

I am thankful for forgiveness, grace, mercy, and peace.

I am thankful and love seeing the ones who show up time after time, reminding me who my people are.

I am thankful in painful times I can communicate my shortcomings and where I need help, especially with professionals.

I am thankful I can be concerned but not remain miserable.

I am thankful to have some boundaries today and to be able to communicate those to some people, who are not always healthy for me to be around.

I am thankful for the things and people I hold in my heart.

I am thankful for waking up today.

I am thankful I care about myself today.

Those ten things that I am grateful for, make up a good part of who I am.

I do believe in looking to others for direction but mostly the answers are on the inside of us if we will look and search deeply.

In life, just like on the internet. we must scroll past a lot of small stuff We think some small stuff but that is just us blowing it up and out of proportion. We may fail five hundred times at something, but it is just as important to get back up the five hundred and first time.

We do not have to stay stuck or defeated unless we choose to. If we choose to, then it is a choice we have made. I realize today I must take responsibility for all my choices. I am the one who must live with myself.

I need to build my faith up, affirm myself, encourage myself, and accept the fact I have weaknesses that I can overcome. It is also important that I build up, affirm, encourage, and help others when and where I can.

This life is not for the faint of heart. If it were so, our lives would be shorter than they are. Our lives are short in any case.

I want to keep changing and doing the best I can. Sometimes my best is not good enough, but then it changes if I do not give up.

There is no fairness when it comes to self-improvement. We must stay with the bat in hand until we hit a home run!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God bless Y’all, Everybody!

Learning To Be Gentler Towards Myself And Others

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Irondale 2019

Hey, Y’all!

I am doing well on this second day of my reset again. I am in the middle of changing things up and trying to be easy with myself but consistent. I have a determined mind to not allow myself to go backward one day at a time and find the willingness to keep writing.

Monday was Independence Day. I stayed in bed sick all day and all evening.

I do not want to wake up every day ready to scream because things are not going my way or place judgments on people when I have no idea what the full story is for them. In some respects, my writing is to try and deter some people from judging me when it is my judgment against me.

I love what happened to me this morning as I was cooking breakfast and making my coffee. I was praying as well. I usually do a fast prayer and say amen, before I get my sip of coffee and make my daily morning call to a trusted and sweet friend.

My prayer went into thanking God for the things I was grateful for and asking for help throughout the day. I do not want to be that angry person or feel the need for vile language. I do not want to feel like I am refraining all the time either. That is not how I am supposed to be.

When I am out of control of my emotions and words, it is not just slipping. It is an all-out war and here is the thing, in the end, it is a war with self. It is not about people just being stupid. Although, I often say it is and that you cannot cure stupidity.

It is taking those moments that can be stressful remembering to practice patience. People are often patient with me even when I am not showing any sign of grace towards anything or any situation. Again, I am looking at the war with myself.

I have zero tolerance and grace when I consider my actions stupid or thoughtless. I scream and curse at myself. Therefore, in the past, that has been my cop-out if people understood how hard I was on myself they would I was going light on them in comparison. That is still not good for others or me. It is not okay to treat others or myself like garbage.

In Boxcar Mike’s Motivational Board -The very first card says, my friends and I do not hurt each other or ourselves. I try to live by that motivational board but, I fail too. What I learned today in being quieter within and listening to the small voice is that I do not have to rage.

I did a bit of initiative-taking things that require patience, like getting medications set up, making an eye doctor appointment, updating the pharmacy with my insurance, and calling my doctor for refills on the medications I take.

I got through it all without being impatient or raising my voice. It has been a good day. We just need to manage things at a slower pace and steady. Taking the time to realize we can be patient and handle others with genuine care when we do the same for ourselves.

Thanks for reading!

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This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

It Has All Been Said And Done Before

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Desoto, Missouri 2016

Hey Y’all,

I have gotten so far behind after losing any routine I had built up. I am just always happy to reconnect. Once I start doing the things that help me do the things I need to, I start becoming more content. The bottom line is if you want the prizes, you must do the work necessary for those prizes.

What are the prizes?

The prizes are in my own life more weight loss, self-betterment, more consistency in life, more energy, a spiritual life that is positive, and a longer fuse. Happiness is the goal! Just even mere contentment with life and in life. It is not hard to do. The key is to stay current and connected.

My priceless moment at the end of a workday is pushing people out my door, at least in my mind!

Some of you might say. “You’re on disability you do not work!” Let me beg to differ. I am on call 8 am-4 pm daily Mon- Friday, and on some weekends! I have professionals in my home Monday through Friday and on some weekends! If I get people out early, it is all the better. However, some days, I am not done until 5:30 pm.

If I could truly do anything I want in these hours, it would not be having people in my home or doing things to fit into others’ plans. So please do not tell me how easy I have it! I admit it is not all manual labor and my work allows me to take shower on the clock.

Heck, there is a benefit for me! I do enjoy my coffee. But it is not watching movies all day. Now in most cases, no one can write me up for having a difficult day. However, some have tried to write me up! It is my pleasant disposition that helps keep some people at bay.

If only they would stay, there. I am half kidding. Naps would be a wonderful thing! I wish I could encourage and even insist on some people taking them. It would stop so much useless information from going inside my head! I could go on about this! No, I really could!

Now my work is about getting me better and in a place of healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is taking back the responsibility of caring for myself with some help and a watchful eye.

I have so much more progress to make but I have come a long way in the last year.

Yet, I have back-slid enough to pick up certain pieces and make them work for me. Now, it is back to being engaged and participating in my own life and the recovery of my emotional and physical well-being. Here I am resetting the routine. Once more, doing it again in hopes of it taking this time.

Honesty with God, myself, and others.

Open-mindedness to hear other experiences and what works for them.

Willingness to follow through and not give up.

This is the answer, but it is the action that takes you through a process of twists and turns and constantly changing.

I have complained that my fuse has gotten shorter and that I just will not put up with nonsense. Here is how this goes. No one is going to fix that for me. No one can change me or you, we only have ourselves and God to do that in my belief system.

So, we take the stuff we learn, and we go to work. Just like scrolling on social media, we must ignore the stupid stuff that people try to inflict on our brains and find something positive to say or think about.

We make our world safe sometimes by removing ourselves from the situation and moving on to something else. It is best to function as if we have not heard it at all and ignore it. It is easier said than done. As it is with most simple ways, this is the case

In a conversation, I was having a week or so ago with my mama, she is one of the smartest people I know. We agreed we must pick our battles. Some battles are just not worth it. You must move on.

It was a few days later, that I was practicing the mantra I can do anything for twenty-four hours. I got my test within a couple of hours realizing I cannot reason with a person who lacks reasoning. Again, moved on.

It is refusing to be sucked in by the nonsense.

I get to share this with you as part of my journey.

Thanks for reading!

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This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

The Ultimate Price Men Paid For Freedom

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
https://www.thedarksecrets.com/quotes/self-motivation-quotes

Hey All!

Today is Memorial Day, a time to remember the fallen. Those who paid the ultimate price. They didn’t get a choice to go backward. They powered through doing as trained. I give thanks to God for those men.

The past few weeks have been a difficult time for me in relearning some things and getting the timing down. I am back working on a project that is challenging for me. I must make peace with the fact it may just be the slow but steady progress. I cannot allow it to control me or my emotions.

As of Friday, I would have boarded up my windows if I could have. That is how much I wanted to get away from people, places, and things.

The thing of it is, I have had to take stock of going backward closing myself off.

The con is I stay wrapped up inside my head and the growth stops when I close myself off. The reality is some days will suck, while flying high on other days. The key is again the pauses they are important in stopping negativity from entering situations and communication.

You may be asking, how I can compare any of this to those men who fought for freedom? The answer simply is they went through challenges knowing their very life could be taken. Yet, they powered through and gave all until they had nothing left.

To give thanks to those men and show gratitude for what they have given, I must not allow myself to stop just because something is difficult. I have wanted to make changes and I have made changes.

My belief system comes into this journey as well. I mean, after all, I must have a conscience. I cannot leave that part out. In my beliefs is where I do find grace and courage. Now it may not be the courage of the men took, who have fallen. That is more reason to keep going and get through to the other side.

I must not give up on myself. No one else is coming. I have to pick myself up. Did I not get the memo?

Do the next right thing. It begins when I pick myself up off the ground and get back in the saddle. Have my coffee with my morning prayer and meditation. After my shower remember to acknowledge, high-five, and affirm myself. It is all part of self-care, loving myself, and knowing I love what I do as well.

This is all in nurturing the seeds planted in myself and others. I share what I have and what I struggle with. It is all communicating there are no shortcuts. It is in doing and following through is the only way to any kind of success no matter what it is you or I do.

Together we can! We all got dues to pay. It is a fact.

Psalm 31:24 ESV Be strong, and let your heart take courage,

all you who wait for the LORD!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Taking Responsibility In Being Prepared For H.A.L.T

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Shepherding OutDOORS by Walt Merrell Hoffman Press

Hey, Y’all!

Here it is lunchtime and barely finishing my coffee. I wanted to take the time to write today about H.A.L.T. I briefly went over it in a couple of writings. I have things popping up in my journey and I must be prepared for exactly those halt times.

I have failed even recently in taking the responsibility for my side of the street. I am doing my best to start thinking about turning that around by being prepared. I mean the reset came in time for me to try and do damage control over my whole life.

Now doing damage control does not mean I take on anyone’s judgment.

It is just taking responsibility and here we will go over again the acronym of H.A. L.T.

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

I am going to be taking snacks and water and water when I go out anymore because that is my responsibility. I cannot just blame things on blood sugar or being off schedule of my routine. That is not anyone else’s responsibility but mine.

 I have added a new post-it to my desk as a reminder. In changing my behavior visuals are important tools for me. Early on when first stabbing at getting sober I needed phone numbers. A gentleman handed me his phone number and on the back of it read this, “my friends and I do not hurt each other or ourselves.”

While I no longer have the card or know where that man is today; that card has stuck out in my mind all these years later. I wish I had followed that advice all these years. I want to practice those principles in my life today, to save a lot of heartache and headaches. I get the chance to pack more in the stream of life when I stop making excuses for my behavior.

I will say today has certainly not been a perfect day. I overslept once more and had to do a drive-by-text check-in. The rest of this week I Will be concentrating on waking up on time because again being late because I am tired is a behavior, I do not wish to continue.

Allowing the irresponsibility of not doing self-care can mean missed opportunities. Let me say, not being prepared for the halt moments is exactly, not practicing self-care.

While I say all of this I also say, you cannot beat yourself up as I must not do to myself. All we can do is, move forward and do better.

I know I want more for myself in the fact that; I cannot allow something done wrong by me or others to stand in the way of me getting more and giving more.

Again, this is where the accumulation of all the small things (that we think are trivial or insignificant), we or I do matters. They can make or break us from reaching our full potential for getting and being in all the good stuff.

My determination must say to myself, I can do this! Together we can!

Thanks for reading!

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This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!