Change

Wrenches Thrown In Plans By Sleep Issues

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Hey, Y’all!

I had supper at 9:30 p.m. tonight. When eating this late, I would have had peanut butter and jam or just peanut butter, and called it a night. However, I wanted to make my blog post entry yet, tonight. I decided to have a cheeseburger with pickles and glad I did. I could feel an immediate change in my body.

The day started badly it kept going not so well after oversleeping. Then technology threatened an appointment I had today. Wrenches get thrown into plans with oversleeping. I made it through a good part of the day until early afternoon when a four-and-a-half-hour nap caused other plans down the drain as well.

At any rate, I have muddled through this day. I did not find it necessary to go berserk aside, from the technical issues which I hope, have been resolved. No phones or laptops were thrown. I consider this even successful. I want to do better, and I will get there.

If I have ever been fighting default mode, this has been the week for it. I believe tomorrow will be better. I did get some things accomplished today and had some really good talks to alleviate some past and present anxiety in relationships with people. I admit there must be more action, than talk going forward.

Talking, planning, writing, and good intentions are not getting the actions done.

However, if nothing else this whole process is making me write more consistently. It is also allowing me to find out what needs to be readjusted to succeed. I hope to write more consistently at a regular time if possible.

I admit, I get anxious and worry over the smallest things. I will need to find what will help me to end this madness.

I hated missing two different encounters this evening. I will let it go and strive for better.

For the past two blog post entries, I have meant to share more about what was shared in my men’s meeting. It is along the lines of planning goals and taking more control over our thoughts. I need to take all my thoughts captive daily and redirect my thinking.

Anyone who has at least taken a college course or quite possibly, by today’s educational system made it into their senior year, of high school has heard of using S.M.A.R.T Goals. They are made by specific terms., attainable, realistic, and time-based.  

I found this important several years ago and helpful. It still takes action versus thinking on our part. Deciding goals is not doing the action. However, it does give us a starting place.

The other thing I am hoping for, in making my goals is setting my intentions. What is my motivation for change? Why would I make this change and what is it going to do to help serve me?

The next step is to visualize my goals and what that change will look like and what it will mean. Then we decide, commit, and keep the goals posted where they are visible and handy, so we can take action.

Before any of this can be done it means getting ourselves unstuck from our thoughts, anxiety, stress, and being overwhelmed.

As important as it is, that we get the physical clutter around us eliminated, it is just as important that we unclutter our minds, and refocus.

As renew our minds and think n that which is good we can finally come to a place of reevaluating our hearts. We start doing what is important, not forgetting to have an attitude of gratitude.

We must allow room for readjustments. We must give ourselves grace so that we remember, to give others grace too.

Psalm 127:2 ESV

It is in vain that you rise up early

    and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

    for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Upon Waking Taking Every Opportunity To Succeed

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Hey, Y’all!

Today, my schedule includes a wound care appointment. I will have grafts applied to my wounds. I am hoping all the grafts take. To see the healing progress of the wounds is good. I do have more optimism as I see the progress with each dressing change.

I woke up at 3:50 a.m. before the alarm sounded. I decided to get up anyway to take advantage of the extra time. I am anxious this morning as I write. I am anxious because it is clear, no matter how much time I have, there is always more to do. Managing the time and tasks is still challenging.

I had started this entry early this morning and time caught up to me once more. I have done some walking and I took a nap once I got home from my appointment.

I am grateful today at my appointment my fears were put to rest by the Nurse Practitioner and my Nurse. There was some thick calloused skin to be removed. It was causing me pain. All the wounds look good, and I am approved to keep going with the skin grafts.

I am pressing through once more writing while my chore worker is here. I am having my worship music going to try and keep me focused on just my writing. This can be challenging. I prefer to not have to communicate during this time.

My silence communicates loudly. We only have an hour to go as it helped to do an hour of overtime yesterday. I can do this more nicely!

You see I have learned any kind of anger can make my writing time unenjoyable. My whole point in writing is to get a message out and enjoy it at the same time. It does not serve me well to be angry or resent the situation.

I am taking every opportunity to find ways to manage my time. The nap did help me physically. However, it did cost me more time than I intended. My lesson today is about learning to be okay with readjusting accordingly.

Inside I am screaming mad, and my mind feels so cluttered with all the information I have soaked up in changing my approach to what it means for me to be consistent. I am also trying to accomplish too many tasks at once. I will take a breath, now.

I was reminded this morning that I am doing great. I do need to remember this is the first week of making changes. I do have too high of expectations of myself, in that I want it as though I have been living in a new way, all my life.

Cutting out the clutter in my mind is a process. It is going to take time.

I am not forgetting to be thankful in this process of change.

  1. I am thankful I want to be intentional.
  2. I am thankful for reminders to breathe.
  3. I am thankful I am responsible for my progress.
  4. I am thankful I am not doing this alone and I have wonderful supportive friends. But especially one friend and my Mama.
  5. I am thankful for a new way to communicate with my brother and his family.
  6. I am thankful I took a moment to breathe and just connect with my chore worker for a few minutes today.
  7. I am thankful this process is taking place and I will not be defeated in following it through.
  8. I am thankful I can encourage others.
  9. I am thankful I can fight the disease with the tools I have been able to acquire.
  10. I am grateful that being thankful with all my heart can change the balance of all things.

In the end, today has been a success through my gratitude.

Philippians 4:7 ESV And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Progress Not Perfection According To My Schedule

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Hey, Y’all!

Here we are on a Tuesday Afternoon. I made good use of the morning. However, my morning did not exactly go to schedule, but I did get in my walking. The schedule is hard to get implemented perfectly, but I am happy with my accomplishment of walking. It is the progress that matters.

I was also able to do my laundry and attend the men’s group I attend every Tuesday.

I have shared about my recovery before, using the HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I was called about whether my insurance would cover even an office visit tomorrow. I could feel myself getting a bit hungry.

I realized I needed to calm down and the fact it was going to be another forty-five minutes before I could get to the food. I was angry, because of just of the chance my insurance trying to charge me a large sum deductible. I did calm down and admit the person on the other end of the phone did help talk me down.

I am now using my pumps again hoping to use them for about three hours total this afternoon. And use them again tonight. I am eating cheese now for a snack. I was happy to get my coffee in this morning. That is always vital for me to deal with life.

This week is the reality of climbing on my journey. I am determined to get better. Amazingly, I am making calls consistently in the morning time. I am having to make time while people are present in my apartment, and I dislike how that is having to work. It feels cramped to write during this time. It is how it will get done today.

Today it is beyond my control, and this is where acceptance must play a part in my day. I imagine this is where my day looks a lot like having a job. The only difference is it is my job, to help others, help me.

This question surfaces a lot during office visits. “How can I help you today?” If I was a professional, I might know. Is my usual reply; and that is stating nicely I suppose. I want to do better and have a better answer. I am not always willing to see what it is they can help me with.

I can do better if I want to. Is that what we say about others? “They could help if they wanted to.” I can help me today by chilling out. In the same way, it will help others who help me. My brother’s words one time as he watched me be this frantic ball of anxiety-ridden human come to mind often. It is in a good way. I use the question he formed as a self-check.

“Is this the way you are all the time?” I was ashamed then, and embarrassed. Since then, I have made better progress. I still have a long way to go.

Today, after getting off the phone, I found myself frantic about doing the laundry. I feared not being able to be done enough, to attend my men’s group. I called myself names, going on about how poor I had done with going along with the plan. In the end, I made it to the men’s group, and I did finish my laundry.

Today was an accomplishment, and dare I say tomorrow will even be better and hopefully not find the need to use name-calling, anyone.

I am looking forward to relaxing this evening. It is all about self-care and doing better.

Philippians 4:13 ESV I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Happy New Year 2023 Here We Are!

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Hey, Y’all!

Here we are in 2023, Happy New Year!

There is a lot of work and happiness to fulfill this year. I am hoping to improve on consistency going by today’s routine. I got up super early, but my default mode went into action. It has taken me hours to not get far on my daily list. However, I did some rearranging that was not part of the plan for today.

A friend and I are implementing The Five-Second Rule Mel Robbins coined. I mentioned it previously when I took the workshop Mel Robbins freely shared back in the spring. The Spring Reset course. At present, we have a whole year to reset!

My plan of action is the following:

  1. 5-4-3-2-1- Get-up
  2. 5-4-3-2-1- brush teeth/mouthwash
  3. 5-4-3-2-1-walk
  4. 5-4-3-2-1- drink water and so on

The other part of my plan is to high-five myself in the bathroom mirror saying my full name. Saying I love you to myself and telling myself, “You are going to do great today!” This is called “The High-Five Habit,” Mel Robbins also coined this.

While I want to push myself to do better, I realize the risk of me wanting to do it perfectly. The reality is that I am not going to do anything perfectly. Therefore, I need to recognize the need to talk to myself more gently than I have in the past and treat myself more gently.

I want real change in my life. It is so easy to slip back into default mode screaming at myself for failing, and about plans that are not cooperating.

I can do better. Today I am resisting the urge to scream at myself for not living up to the expectations of my plans set forth. I am still accomplishing things off my list and even writing this is part of what I planned on. I just hoped that I was more successful today. The important thing is to not give up.

I have been told it takes twenty-eight days to make a habit and an additional forty-plus days, to make a habit stick.

I want to live the best version of myself possible. It will take hard work and determination and doing the same thing over and over. This is how it went in my default mode. I will do better! Today is not a total failure.

Celebrating the smallest of victories helps in being supportive of myself. Celebrating in definition along these lines is, being proud of myself that I have made accomplishments today.

Today is a gift for each of us to be alive, breathing, and taking of ourselves.

As I get ready to close out this entry, my time in prayer and meditation is vital. Without that time, I am just spinning my wheels. It does take determination and consistency, to have that conscious contact with God as I understand Him.

Having that conscious contact with God is what gives me my thankfulness, hope, desire to do better, and willingness.

Let us be kind to ourselves and each other.

Psalm 84:12 ESV “O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Consistently Committing To The Hard Work And Determination

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Hey, Y’all!

I have a lot to share and put into action myself today. I did say I may write a few posts today and so far, that does seem to be the plan.

I am enjoying my coffee and being in my writing mode.

I want to be quick to point out, I am not just writing, talking, or thinking about things today, as on this last day of the year. All I have is today. What will I get done in these last twelve hours?

I am working on the never-ending decluttering of my desk and tables. I have a little stand to put together. I have gathered clothes for the task of doing laundry. I have dishes soaking in the sink and I plan to mop my walls with bleach today the mop bucket is out.

Each day there is a plan to get things done. Why is it important so much gets done today? I am not willing to wait another day to get things done that I know I can be finished with today. I am determined today is the bottom line.

This is a way I can take care of myself. The more I can get done the less anxious I will be.

I am no one special. We all have these types of things waiting on us to get done daily.

I am not waiting on the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth day of January, or never, to get started completing even the smallest of goals. I want to live more simply, and not always feel in a rush to be on top of things.

Oh my gosh! I was taught, not that I managed the concept well, or even carried it out if we prepare ahead of time, we do not have to sweat the small stuff. Thinking about it, talking about it making lists for it, is still not doing it.

It is doing the behind-the-scenes grunt work, which is going to give us the jump in living our daily life. Hard work and determination get us farther than just thinking about things. It is what will make us successful. The key is sticking to making that commitment daily.

I have thrown away some old ideas and listened to others on what makes them successful. The problem becomes, as in some of the new things I am learning my brain still goes into default mode because it has not fully learned the new ideas.

Change does not happen overnight. It never has and it never will. We must put the information into our brains and most of the time that is done by doing. Taking the action necessary to make changes.

One of the biggest things for me to get the concept of is that I do not have to react to change by screaming, getting into a huff, or slamming the door, because the process is hard. Change is doing what is unfamiliar.

Change can look like a threat. It is a threat to our default mode. Yet change is part of life, and it happens daily.

Finally, if we have set ourselves like flint to stone, we have arrived at acceptance. We have a choice. We have a life choice before us. It can make or break us

What will we choose?

It is time for me to get on with my tasks for the day. I am hoping to come back one more time at least, with more of my thoughts and actions of the day.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I Regret Not Freely Being Myself More

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Hey, Y’all!

I may end up writing a few blog post entries today because I regret not writing more consistently.

Life happens. Wrenches get thrown into plans, and I find I do freak out when I must readjust accordingly. This has happened more than a few times this week. More so the plan changed in the last several months. Dealing with the aftermath has sucked cow’s buttermilk.

For one that has a history of hating routines, I sure have melted down over the curveballs thrown at me.

The latest curveball was finding out my town had a water boil advisory alert! It had been in effect for several days. I freaked out. I grabbed dishes and all the stuff out of cabinets boiled water and added bleach! I should also add, I have a helper. I can be a little controlling when I freak out.

I can be a little controlling about boiling water as well.

As I was telling a couple of friends about my day, one of them pointed out, “not everyone is going to do the same as you.” Another friend said, “Do you realize you told someone how to boil water?” I said in my defense, the helper said, she was not a good cook. I said also in my defense, a year ago I was telling someone how to wash their hands!

I have grown! I am not going to be fixed overnight! My friend said in jest, “you cannot be fixed.” We laughed some more. He suggested, I start a recipe section on social media and tell everyone the recipe for boiling water! I said, I just might do it!

You might think this is the end of this story. You would be wrong. I kept waiting for the updates on the advisory because by the end of the day there was supposed to be an update on the advisory. There was an update that said we were free to use our water normally again. I still did not believe people because I did not see where an official, said as much.

I finally, did see the post that said the advisory was lifted. I now breathe a little bit easier. I do want to play it safe where health risks are a concern. The problem becomes not being able to freely live. My sense of humor disappears. I am not enjoying the same life I am protecting.

I am realizing you can never prepare enough. Some things you cannot prepare for, with a lack of communication. Sometimes you must be more flexible than you might at first be willing to be.

I got a lesson in life today. It is forcing me to look at more things that matter. I need to take advantage of the help I receive in all areas of my life. I do have a responsibility to take care of myself. I do need to quit being afraid of being locked into my own words.

I do fear someone will use my own words against me and make me commit to something they believe.

I shared this funny and sad story. However, it is exactly something like this story, that points to my fears. I want more out of my life than fear.

I want to enjoy freely being me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

2022 We Have Less Than Three Days

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Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Hey, Y’all!

Today is a drastic change in my weather, from a week ago. We are reaching close to 60° Fahrenheit. There is some light rain. Where last week we were having freezing temperatures with ice and snow. It is nice to have better weather.

I am taking time to listen to worship music even with my caregiver here and a lit candle glowing. It is freeing to just have time in my head and heart while disconnected from my caregiver. It is allowing me my prayer and meditation time even as I write.

I fall so short of my own beliefs many times but no matter, I need my prayer and meditation time. I am also doing my lymphedema pumps on my legs and feet. You can say I am multitasking.

What is upon my heart to share is the fact we have less than 3 days of 2022. My One-Word for 2022 was the word, seek. I have sought through a lot this past year. I continually seek better ways than what I have done in the past. It is in the middle of the quietness I usually get my answers.

I am grateful for the changes in me and many more to come.

I feel an urgency to make these last 3 days count more than any of the 360-plus days before them. There has been a new normal I have been trying for more so in the past nine months. I am feeling my way through while on this path.

There is a saying I strive to live out. “To Thine own self be true.” I seek my own heart to see if it holds God as I understand Him, The Word He has for me. However, I am not perfect and fail daily in some way. But God is all I can say.

My spirit is just being washed in this music as I say my prayer quietly and still. It feels like rain in my soul. For Once, it is not bitter-sweet tears just fresh clean. I smell the scents of nature all around me.

I think about God making everything new. He is making things new for me. My very first One-Word ever was, “Renew.” There have been several words in the past several years. I mention these words because everything is being made like new. I am seeking with my heart and soul. I am excited about the new year.

My prayers are for us all to have our eyes open. I am praying for chains to be broken. I am praying we all experience grace so that we might pass it on to others.

I am grateful for the grace given to me by others; I hope to pass it on.

I am grateful for having closed-mouth friends and being a closed-mouth friend as well.

I do not know all the plans just that I want to be consistent and possess consistency in my life.

May we live out everything we wanted in 2022 in these last three days.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Our Family Is Everything Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas, Y’all!

This is a day late. However, until New Year’s Eve, I consider it Christmas.

I received a lot of precious cards from several people. They do mean so much and I did not get cards out to many people. I feel bad because you know today, everything changes in a heartbeat. But I am grateful to be able to pray for people and situations.

I want to share some words from my Mama and her husband that mean so much to me because it describes us.

“To the son of my heart-and my friend and brother in Christ”

My background is I am adopted, which I believe I have shared before. At the tender age of twelve, my Mama and I had a connection and started as friends. There was a space in time between our meeting and meeting up again. Where she and my dad got me for many weekends and led us into a home study, for them to adopt me. I am skipping a lot to make this part a short story.

Our friendship deepened as I was maturing some days and not so much, other days. God just worked on all of us, and life gets messy in between. I needed a family and to belong in a family. Life got messy in my growing up even more, but love was still there. We had a bond even in the worst of the mess.

Even through my lies and addiction there was a friendship and many times it needed to be revived, but I was still her son. She was still my mama. She prayed for my safety and for me to get honest. It has been a journey. Christmas Eve, we shared a conversation that was pure and honest. The conversation cemented our friendship more so.

The ability to be openly honest with another person is a true gift. What tops that even more is the fact offense is not taken and there is no preface needed.

I am not having to hide my screw-ups today. I am responsible for myself. I will not hide, or pretend, nor will I be blocked in. I get to grow at my pace.

No, we never get out of this life without some regrets. However, I am doing my best to minimize regrets by becoming stronger; and that does not mean anyone will like me any differently. It does mean, change for the better is possible.

When I talk to God, I can be more honest and do better. I can rest better. I can lower my expectations of others and realize not everything, or anyone is perfect. and put more energy into every relationship just a bit better than the day before.

Some of the best gifts have no wrapping paper, curling ribbon, or neat little bows.

While I described this conversation with my mama, the best gift yet. I believe that not just for the family you are raised with, but for everyone in your tribe, this is possible. It does not always happen overnight.

One day though, it can happen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

My One Word For 2023 Is Consistency

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Hey, Y’all!

It is cold here in Southeast, Missouri at 29°. It is feeling like winter for sure. Christmas weekend is predicted to be cold. I do not feel ready for that kind of wintry weather. However, ready, or not I am certain sooner rather than later Winter will make its presence known.

This weekend I am being productive in getting my carpets cleaned. I started getting a schedule started for 2023 on my calendars, so I do not feel rushed at the beginning of the new year to put everything in the calendars.

It is a clever idea to have a plan together to arrange transportation when needed. It also helps me to understand my schedule so I can give a fair answer to others wanting to schedule me into their plans. It is mostly dealing with the professionals of doctors and visits from health care workers. It also allows me the freedom to schedule time for myself.

I want to do whatever I can to create less stress for myself. It helps me not become angry and ready to scream. I need to be able to do things at my speed and not just be pushed. Pushing myself is better than someone else doing it for me. I do admit sometimes it is important that I reevaluate my speed.

I am striving for less stress and tension and reminding myself it is not the end of the world if my plans do not pan out.

I am just now continuing this blog post entry, this Wednesday Morning with my fresh hot cup of coffee. I began this entry a few days ago.

I talk big for plans most of the time but bringing everything to fruition is a whole other ball game.

I believe the key thing for me is to have smaller goals and to be consistent with the steps to completing those goals in 2023.

What I am discovering and have discovered over and over is being consistent with a smaller list of goals brings better results than doing a larger list never gets completed. There is so much I am behind on, and I want to do better overall rather than just do enough to scrape by.

In the men’s group, I attend we talked about the fact of trying a process once or twice and failing.

The reasons for falling back are not working through the process and our destructive thoughts.

The first thing in many instances is that we do not know the process until we have fully worked through the process. Our destructive thoughts include worrying, timidity, and thinking we are not good enough. We give up before we ever succeed.

When we freeze up, our destructive actions come into play indecisiveness and procrastination.

Committing to the process and giving everything, we have is what is going to get us to grow and succeed.

I am ready for a change to stick to and to keep growing. I do not want to keep falling back and keep starting over.

One of the most freeing things said that jumped out to me from my latest meeting: “What may be a part of my story is not who I am today!”

I am not giving up today!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

What Is It Costing Me To Not Change?

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My Baked Ziti December 10th, 2022

Hey, Y’all!

I was baking this afternoon into the early evening making my Baked Ziti. I have the spices, meat, and sauce down okay. I still need more practice before I have this recipe down.

As I boiled the noodles, I thought about how each ingredient goes in the recipe to produce a great taste. It did turn out good; it just was not that makes you want to slap your mama taste!

As I was mixing the ingredients I was thinking about each task, person, belief, routine, quality, trait, and gift that makes up our life.

I am having to do a reset even as I write this post. Today has been a total stop-and-reset day so I can write. It takes that meditation time and getting in my zone with God, Whom I have avoided concerning my me time. Dealing with my behavior and thoughts by myself in my choices.

I cannot even pray without getting in the meditation time. Here lately, it has been doing the autopilot self-will run riot just briefly pausing at times and other times not so much. My greatest accomplishment is making the daily check-ins with one person for all five working days I do believe.

I did do check-ins with two other guys for as much as I could with time, or if I were not falling asleep at the wheel you know.

The thing is, I can call upon God for others usually without a problem. However, doing my daily check-in with God has been far away. Thus, here I am resetting.

What does it cost me not to change?

It has cost me my deep meaningful time with God. It has cost me using the right judgment in situations that may have hurt other people and myself by making a stupid mistake in just joking.

It cost me not to state boundaries clearly. I have given others the free pass by saying people will be people. The cost of boundaries crossed is resentment and seething. Yes, this is getting the honesty out because it makes you want to scream!

Everything is happening so fast and in slow motion at the same time and I am saying to myself (did you see what that so and so did, and you did nothing!), oh heck, no! Son of a biscuit eater!

The hardest part is in not forgiving myself and burying one more thing as I seethe.

As it comes up and is pointed out by others then I end up screaming because what am I supposed to do now? It costs a person their sanity and peace of mind.

Change is of utmost importance; it is the path of my growth journey. We can stop raising our red flags to get smacked with some of the stuff that happens to us if we put down our pride and get real.

I want to do the passive role and not make waves. Instead, I make jokes, use sarcasm, and do anything to deflect from the reality of hurt.

This is not to say that I have not grown, I have. It is another growing pain. It is a bump in the road along my journey, which has distracted me.

It takes a reset to call out things for yourself. It costs a high price until you are willing to face reality.

You cannot lay down anything you do not acknowledge; you just bury it until it gets dealt with. You may think you have control just make sure you are not in self-destruct mode.

My journey constantly involves taking a personal inventory of how I interact with life. I hope to make clear boundaries and be mindful when they are crossed. In turn, I can communicate assertively when or if someone has crossed a boundary.

When the first thirty years of your life have been nomadic, you tend to not have clear lines where things start and end. I have never stayed on the same property for longer than five years. I have stayed where I live presently for six and a half years. Because of an absolute must, I have changed apartments, but it is on the same property.

It is five days later as I wrap up this blog post entry.

I am blessed and have much to be thankful for and always room for more growth.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!