Author: boxcarmike

Let It Go, Don’t Shoot The Wounded

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Good Afternoon Everyone!

The past week has been working through things one day at a time.

A week or so ago, I left off with grace being my word for the year. Grace is a real need in my life and important for me to give grace to others. I have been one to always build these monumental images up in my head of how bad a situation can be. In other words, I must look at the fact that some situations just are not that bad.

When things are overwhelming, I seem to lose focus and have a distorted view of reality. Yes, I am saying sometimes my troubles are of my own making whether that is intentional or not. In many ways I can say, “What a relief… it is just my own head.”  I can take a deep breath and say a prayer to pause and ground myself for a moment.

Sometimes the mountain in my life is just tackling the stacks of papers on my desk. I have been grieving over so many I have known over the years just dying in big groups anymore, or so it seems. I have found I have no more words for those dying and I have finally resigned from taking their inventory or fault finding. I am no longer qualified to judge anyone, and the truth is I never was qualified to do so.

It is only in grace that I can even begin to start loving myself, believing the best and seeing the best in others. By grace I can breathe in and out. By grace I can finally admit that the war I have been fighting has been the war of self. I want better for myself.

I have friends who have yelled in a hushed whisper “Mike! Mike! Michael! Let it go!” I never wanted to let go of anything I thought was my cause.  No matter which group of friends I found next, they would all have the same chant. Was there a group all these same friends signed up for after they got to know me? Perhaps so.

In short, I have learned to let go and realize my dog is not in that fight. I still sometimes slip up and fall backwards. The great thing is it does get less and less.

Today most of my friends both present and those whom maybe we do not have a chance to talk, are some of my greatest heroes. I even count my family who I do not get to see, are my superheroes as well. Every single human has fought wars which we may know nothing about.

They say do not shoot the wounded. I was reading that the other day and there was another line after it. You might be the wounded next time. Oh man, it tugged at my heart because that is exactly what I was doing a lot of times. I do not want to be so selfish. Today I want my tribe and myself to be cheerleaders for each other. I believe most of us are exactly that. I am one of my mama’s biggest fans even and I try to show her that same love and care she has for me all these many years. I do not even come close to it in my own mind; however, it does not take much in the fact of my own energy as it takes grace for me to even do it.

Because of grace my mom and I have forgiveness for each other’s mistakes in the past present and future. Love covers a multitude of sins. I have read that before, and I believe it. I wish to walk with everyone I am with along this journey in that same way.

If you are reading this and thinking hogwash, do not give up on me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Sometime Alleluia, Sometimes Praise The Lord, Sometimes …

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Hi Everyone,

The title of this blog entry will be understood before the end.

I have done much grieving in the past year over friends and family dying. Covid has not taken them all two had cancer, one had heart complications, another is getting ready to leave this world with a clot in her lung.

I have done some grieving in the past two months over my own inabilities. A loss of freedom in ways I have had to think about how to get up and sit down especially when no one is around. How to make my way to the bathroom and kitchen is a big deal.

I deal with a lot of death dreams and they frighten me. Death makes me surrender to the fact I am mortal, and death will happen one day.

However, I can attest to finally having one death dream where I visited with my dad. He and I were picking and joking with one another. My Uncle was there, and he asked me about what he needed to do to take care of his legs as he sat on a couch. My dad and I on a staircase still joking around.

Oh, how I hugged my dad and did not want to let go. It has been almost16 years since he passed away. I miss him every day. But I had a peace after this dream that made me smile and I was happy for the good time in my dream with my dad.

I also realized my uncles’ question was for me; what was I going to do to care for my legs?

It is time to heal. I am a broken mess inside with more grief to spare.

What was I going to do? This means that it is not my time to go anytime soon. I needed to prepare for living.

Sunday morning, I was filled with physical pain and grief. Less than 24 hours ago I had learned great friend I once had, passed away. My heart hurt for him and many of us who loved him. Without my friend I would not have met so many friends along the way. I would never have jumped on an airplane. You do not get to just pull over to the side of the road in an airplane!

I attempted to make a good breakfast in pain and grief, and it did not pan out well literally! I ate it anyway and went back to bed.

I started worrying about if transportation was going to send me a car or van for my eye doctors appointment coming up this week. I eventually drifted off to sleep.

The Beginning of The Story!

I awoke at 5:30 pm completely famished. I heated up some more of the failed breakfast and realized I did not think about it. I just walked to the kitchen leaving my cane in the bedroom.

I am still in some pain and do not know if this will continue with me being able to walk from room to room with out having to plan my every move.

As I headed back to my bedroom with my portion of breakfast from this morning, I sat down on the bed and said, thank you God.

I had burst into tears while trying to take that first bite and admitted to God I was a mess. I thanked him over and over. Chuck Girard was singing on Alexa and something about no longer a sinner but one who when falls runs to God.

I need to back up here because oh in the wee hours I was watching The Resurrection of Gavin Stone on Netflix, it is a pg. movie. I was boohooing at the turn around in this actor playing an actor whose life was totally turned around.

Now back to Chuck Girard of course I finally see a text from my momma asking how I was. I decided to call her in the last 10 min window of time she might be able to answer. Instead, I am needing to leave a voicemail with my halfway crying and how good God was I had got up walked without thinking about it. I am doing good some pain but nothing like past several weeks or two months.

Oh, how I love my mama so much. I guess I told her I had her permission to write a part of her own story in mine, rather than asking for permission. Old habits die hard.

She said it will be interesting to read y’all. As Alexa played on the song came from my youth, my mama would sing lots of times. My mama would try to deal with strife among eight children by singing at times! She was not going to hear complaining or pay attention to “why do I have to wash the dishes this time, I did it last time.”

So, she would often be heard singing: “Sometimes Alleluia, Sometimes Praise the Lord, sometimes gently singing our hearts in one accord.” You did not want to force my Mama out of her singing otherwise she would start singing I am not listening, and that was the final warning.

Oh, and she and my dad would play Chuck Girard tapes in our van. However, tick my dad off and you might hear him yelling for a bit but here is how that played out a great deal of the time.

Again, my mama would start singing when you could hear a pin drop in that van. Often it led to my dad joining in with her and before you knew it the whole van was singing or humming.

It was the hard times in that van God used to touch one or all of us no matter what we were going through. I spent many silent tears in the back of that van praying neither of my parents would yell out a question to me.

I never wanted them to worry about me falling apart or having to explain what was really going on inside my head. It was only recently I heard my mama admit to me she worries. I am so blind.

She probably worried every time I went out the door, I just thought she never noticed. That is also my reasoning in trying to get away with a lot of things.

I loved coming home from school on the days she sang and baked. The candle would be lit in the entryway Everything was mopped and she had cookies or bread in the oven. There was peace in our house in the midst, as she had struggled some days to get three little ones down for a nap.

You see its in this time I can see how my relationship to God is as with my family and parents. I cry happy tears over this fact that they gave grace a lot. There are more happy times to remember.

I know my mama, friends, my tribe, and they are all really family, do not know what to do with me a lot of the time.

I am finally ready to take the new change in my journey. By the way as far as me walking better I do not know if it will last or if its going to keep getting better.

I am so loved, and I love you all so much. Today I want to hang on to the good stuff. I miss my friends and family that have passed away. I miss the good times. I miss those I have not been able to see or talk to in a while.

As of this moment my new word for the year is “Grace.” I am going to learn it, accept it, and give it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Love You, I Love me, Let’s Walk Together

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Hi Everyone,

I am thankful I am at home getting to write to you all today. Yesterday, I was not sure if I would get to be at home as I was and I am dealing with real physical issues. I sat in an exam room for couple of hours or more waiting on kidney test results from blood work and conversations to take place.

The blood work came back great. However, I am swollen from below my chest down to my feet. For five days I will be on 80 mg of Lasix and drinking normal amount of water. A lot of other tests and seeing my primary tomorrow. I hope to get to come home tomorrow.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Every time I go through something I start to wonder if this is what the end looks like for me. The truth is I do not think so. It is all about learning new adjustments.

I told a nurse I loved her and meant it. I wanted to say different to be cute. I really do not like being emotional because then I am vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I must consider everything I am saying and truly reflect on my reality and what I truly feel.

Over the weekend I took some direction and attended two Zoom meetings. Certain ones have been on me for a while to do this. It has taken the better part of a year, but I did it. I felt at home and something awakened inside me again. I even said I love myself.

I have not been able to say that for years. Part of me wonders if my body went into shock over me saying I love me and meaning it. I really do love me and can still say so, so far.

I took a long break. I attended my third zoom meeting with the same bunch of people and stayed for the meeting after the meeting.

Before I attended the meeting tonight, I was freaking out about possibilities and outcomes for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.         I called three people and avoided calling two people because I did not want them to worry. All three people called me back and one came over.

I was hugged in the 2 phone calls or at least felt so. The one who came over gave me a hug and helped me reinforce a bandage as well. That is when I headed straight to my zoom meeting.

I know I am loved by lots of people.

In my meeting, I listened to two speakers share their experience, strength, and hope.

After the meeting is where I hear the camaraderie and even experience it a bit. At the urging of all people present, I got two guys’ phone numbers to call for my fear tomorrow and just to let them know what is going on.

I have a journey to keep on trudging through. I have a responsibility to myself and others. I want to share what really becomes experience, strength, and hope.

I must remember there is so much to be grateful for.

Thank you for taking this walk with me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Storms Never Last Picking Up The Wreckage

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Hi Everyone!

I really appreciate everyone who reads my blog and I do not say it enough, so thank you.

One of my favorite songs is “Storms Never Last” by Jessi Colter

The first line of that song is “Storms never last, do they baby”

I imagine saying this to my younger self a lot as I am often at war with in myself.

How many of us will recognize that the war is not with anyone else; the war is with ourselves?

With others I must recognize, I did not create it, I did not cause it, and I sure cannot cure it.

However, when it comes to myself, I can usually see where I did create it, I did cause it and most of the problem goes away if I stop doing the things that landed me in such insanity. The other part comes in the form of making amends and swing who I have harmed along the way.

In the past I have just been a tornado in people’s lives. Its so good to have a tribe with me today. Even if we are not talking just sharing bits and pieces of ourselves on social media. I feel warmth of others today and need to reciprocate that back.

When I got to recovery, they told me pain was inevitable, but suffering was optional. I do not have to suffer today. I do not have to keep hurting myself either. That is insanity to keeping hurting yourself in recovery. I think it is clicking some.

My prayers are for God to heal me. But sometimes I think God gives us the tools to heal ourselves. I think my mind has always slammed shut against an idea like that.

Today I am getting the fact that younger me does not get to run the show if I want recovery. Younger me is full of anger and rage still. My job is My job is to love me and do the necessary things to stay in recovery as challenging as it may be. I am horrible at checking in but doing the best I can to improve on that and it is still a little wobbly.

I want to live better and stay the course. To falter is to die and lose everything all over again. I need to keep my recovery and build on it. I deserve to try and win if I stay the course. I do not care about the toys. I want the prize and the prize is life.

This is probably where one would say we cannot wallow in the wreckage we identify who was hurt, who we owe amends to, become willing to make amends and identify the amends owed to each person.

We cannot move freely and be okay if we are still picking up pieces of our wreckage. This is where hopefully; I will take responsibility for my actions.

Everything has its time and place. With the right direction and actions healing can come through.

Thankfully storms never last.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

One Of My Spiritual Experiences My Journey

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Good Afternoon Everyone,

I am starting this writing at 12:22 pm CDT. The snow and ice are still covering the ground temp is like 19°F here in South East Missouri.

I am staying indoors.

I am excited to share this blog post entry with you all. I pray you hear the message and not my words alone. I pray if you are like how I have been for years you too, can find what I have at least what I have for now.

I am not asking you to believe what I believe. I am not shoving anything down your throat. I am sharing my experience that happened today, and the things that led up to this experience.

The first part is that for a matter of a year or better I have been trying to tell you about my journey.

I gathered with a group of people around the tables where we all share something in common. We are people who ordinarily would not have mixed. Thankfully for some of us, we did not mix as we might have fed off each other’s maladies and be in cells next to each other in maximum security prison.

I believe there’s truth in the last line.

For one day at a time, I do not drink or use no matter what. You see I have a soul sickness that tells me I am worthless and deserve to drink if I let it continue in my head.

As I write this I get pretty choked up and feel all the warmth, love, and smiles, all the hugs, they are rolling down my cheeks now.

When I first approached any table, they told me I did not have to pick up again. Well, I did pick up time and time again. This went on for 20 years. I realized at the end I knew how to not pick up, but I did not know how to stay stopped.

For over 16 years one day at a time continuous, I have not picked up a drink or used. There are always other behaviors I am working on. In therapy and doing the things these other people around the tables do to not drink or use.

My journey is all about the continuing of my story. The journey includes me doing the footwork in what it takes to stay clean and sober.

I do have PTSD and I have chronic clinical depression. I say this so that you understand suicidal have been secondary and of course attempt and threats of suicide have been a part of my story.

I believe that God is involved in my journey and a part of my life. This is where my story and journey take a twist.

I grew up basically Christian, doing every church hop and denomination.

I always believed in God even just plainly on my own with several hiccups in my beliefs.

I finally admitted in therapy yesterday that I have trampled the blood of Christ so much that there was no grace left for me. There was grace for everyone else but me.

This morning as I woke up from a nap, I had pictures in my mind of different sins in my life and they were so vivid. It was scary and reminded me of death. I could see me dead.

Alexa was playing some hippie church songs from way back when.

The hippie version of I surrender all came on and I found myself talking to God and singing along and tears filled my eyes. This step as some of us call it I was working on and I said God I give it all to you.

I felt this weight lift it was like a big boulder holding me down. I give my rock God, my whole life, I give it all.

At the end it was like God said you have finally done step 6. I found grace again.

Its my spiritual experience. It happened. The fun part is as a teen I was part of a group known as Jews For Jesus for me personally I loved it was kind of a hippie thing to do.

I am a tree hugging hippie Jesus lover.

I feel real smiles again I am going to make it just for today. The tables are always at work it is our choice to participate.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Realizing I Cannot Do It By Myself

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I seem to fall asleep as soon as I say I am going to try to stay awake until it is a decent bedtime, and invariably it becomes a late night. So here I am writing mainly out of gratitude that I am not in the hospital or hurt myself by some part of me that felt the need to control things.

As we get older, we want more freedom and simultaneously we have more limitations, which we try to ignore.  I have always accused others of being controlling. Ironically, I am the controlling one. This became news to me. It is not recent news trust me on that.

I always want things a certain way. I do not want to have to express that I want things a certain way, or even ask for help in getting things the way I want them. Perhaps I do want people to read my mind and then resent them because they cannot do so.

It was twenty-four hours ago I was trying to help myself get up off the floor because I had knelt and realized I could not get up off the floor. My knees were locked underneath me. I had no strength whatsoever.

Between 2:00 am and 2:30 am my neighbor heard me crying and screaming for help after the 2 hours or so of me praying and asking God for help. It was a total of about 31/2 to 4 hours. I never felt so scared or helpless in my whole life.

I was so grateful for the paramedics and my neighbor. I have vowed to leave things alone that I cannot control. It has been a wake-up call to my situation that I cannot do it all by myself and that I do require help.

There also seems to be another lesson make sure before you take to social media your loved ones are aware and are reassured, you are okay. I still have a few I am way behind on.

I must do some research and figure out away to get me better. I never want to feel that helpless again. However, in the meantime it is about recognizing I have true limits. Respecting my limits is a must.

I find myself happy to be able to be sitting up texting and even writing blog entry. If you had told me even 3 years ago a day was coming, I would not be able to pull myself up off the floor, I would have called you a liar. Yet here I am. My absolutes are, always having my phone and cane on me. I hate having phone on me all the time.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I want to see phones die a horrible death under a tractor trailer. It is not just my phone that annoys me, it is your phone too! The necessary evils they are just makes me want to say bad words.

This comes from a 30 something (Who counts their age after 39 anyway?) who used to be a teen who spent hours and hours on the phone.

I am so grateful for the love support and encouragement from friends and family. I love ya all.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Looking Ahead in February For Self-Care

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While I am doing the best, I can at not isolating, sometimes you do have to shut the door to the outside world and shut off the phone. It is a balancing act.

Today while at the wound center It got very cold outside and all I could think about was coming home and ripping into the crockpot of homemade chili. I made myself wait almost an hour and a half though even after I got home.

I did shut the door and I only turned down the volume on my phone as opposed to shutting it off. I savored every bite of my bowl of chili.

I feel warm, safe, and nourished now.

I wanted to take time to write today as we begin the second month of 2021.

I have been out in left field feeling sorry for myself and grieving. It is all a mixed bag. I think I am back on track now, telling myself to get it together. One day it will be too late to get it together; so, I hope I get it together sooner.

I am trying to corner off my safe space. I must figure out what works for me. I am hanging on to the hope I have now, and hopefully it grow within me.

I suppose writing is one of my ways of reaching out and even passing on what I have.

When I talk about creating that safe space it includes nurturing myself, making better choices realizing I have to self-parent, telling myself no to some things and saying yes to new ideas. Doing what I need to care for myself.

I guess I have done well at limiting my sodium as my blood tests came up that I was a little low on sodium. The suggestion came along to drink some Gatorade and I should be fine. Even the tiniest suggestion can make a way for change.

I am not usually one to jump up and down asking for suggestions unless it is in a smart-alecky way. However, maybe it is time I take a serious look at that and just do what has already been suggested.

I probably spend more time going back the way I came just to ask; are you sure this is the way to the yellow brick road? I could have been at the yellow brick road and planted trees by now if it were not for all the back tracking.

I am looking forward to the month ahead that I can gain some solid footing. This month will hopefully be me putting everything into action I know to do to take care of myself.

Challenges do come along. That does not mean I have to let those challenges sweep me way from doing what I know in my heart to be right in taking care of myself.

I am ready to learn to love myself the right way and make better choices.

May we all do the next right thing.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Welcome To 2021

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Welcome to 2021 This year really sucks in a lot of ways starting out.

My heart was broken on January 1st, 2021.  As a result, I have mostly been unable to tell anyone how I really feel. I lost a lot of hope that day.

COVID-19 did damage to someone in our extended family he was tie in so many facets of my own life. On January 1st COVID-19 took my uncles life. The last of my Grandma’s sons.

One of my friends died as well.

I am not sure of the causes I just know that she had been sick and at least she could go on her own terms.

I realize there’s the circle of life and much more. It just sucks to lose people here on earth.

I have not found it necessary to drink or drug over any of this and if ever I wanted to use it as an excuse to do so, it would only be another poor choice to make. I am thankful I didn’t.

My heart cries out broken and in pain reliving other deaths along the way.

I have been using isolation for a while now and it doesn’t work very well because I realized its like I died to other people. That’s not very fair to them when I love them so much.

Death brings to me so much pain and my brokenness inside me open for others to see. I fall apart easily. I can’t fix me, and I can’t fix others. Death is so frustrating for us left behind. I have joked with those I am forced to have to deal with because of my own health issues.

I broke down one day and said no more doctors no more try this or that stop the meds, and everyone get the hell out if my house. I said that to one of my helpers one day and when I bent over to pick something up; I realized I needed anyone who could be there because they had to be.

I have so much fear of what will come next. Avoidance isn’t working though.

Praying and wishing and hoping is not enough. I have prayed for everyone and still do. It’s not about me. It’s about love.

Each year I have prayed maybe a selfish prayer for not to take anyone else this year because I just want more time and more healing.

I am very sad, and I can’t just get over it.  I can’t imagine what others feel I can’t write their story. I can only tell you mine.

My story started as male unnamed Day. Later I was to meet the lunch lady who became my wonderful mother and her husband my dad. Because they wanted me, I finally had a family. Because they loved me.

My heart broke when my dad passed away and still is broken. I am thankful I still have who all is left and I need them. I don’t how to be there for them, but I want to be.

I am sorry for leaving you out for a while I can’t make it up, I’ll never be good enough.

My most unusual post. Prayers for all.

Thanks for reading and I hope to be back soon! Peace and Love.

This is Boxcar Mike

I Have Been Running Trying To Free Myself

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Good Morning Everyone!

I find I take a lot for granted until time and resources are lost. I want to make the most out of every opportunity going forward.

My days have been filled with empty promises. I do not want to live that way any longer. I deserve better from myself. Those around me deserve better as well. My promises from now on need to be no promises. I just need to do the best I can for each twenty-four hours and accept it as such.

The other day I took a new picture of myself. For the first time in a long time I saw the gleam back in my eyes. The hazel colored eyes that are mine. The softness of my skin. The less weary rough and rugged face.

The hair that lays so nicely atop my head, along with a genuine smile.

I am not so sure I am writing this all so correct. But I see in me the writer that is passionate about who he is, what he has seen, where he has been, and all he hopes to be. I saw all that wrapped in love and grace.

I do not deserve grace that is for sure as none of us really do. It is unmerited favor. It is one of the greatest gifts freely offered.

My feet are rough and sore. They have holes in the skin.

My legs are weak and hurt so bad some days.

I was trying to run on these limbs not even realizing it.

I see hope in me again.

I want to paint a picture now of the days and nights, before finding me.

You see I had lost hope or thought I had.

The nights were filled with horrible images and a darkness shadowed. My nights were not so sweet. I was crying and afraid. I screamed!

I am not sure I even knew how to pray anymore. I honestly thought as many a time before, this was the end of my life. I cried out for my mom. I always cry out for her when I feel I am in trouble. She could not save me.

I felt as though my heart and gut were being ripped from me. I froze.

There was nothing I could do but see a door shutting down on me. I was being force and locked into the ground and I could not make a sound.

This was true fear as it gripped my life. I must get up and walk for this is not a game. This is for keeps. I will not play this round again.

The days are plagued with images from the night and it is all about this rock.

This lady, this man, another man, another lady, my mom, this group of people, are all shouting at me to drop this rock! Unbury yourself! You are not dead! Come out among the living and be free!

Oh, this rock, has been the problem the whole time! The rock holds the garage door I tried to hold up for my family. It holds the tears and fears. The trauma of my childhood[MR1] . and all the things I have done in word thought, and deed.

I am tired of tripping over this rock and letting it bury me. I picked it up to run with it so I do not trip over it.

Oh Mama! it hurts so bad! Please make it stop!

My friend Kay (not her real name) says: “Honey she did not create it, she did not cause it, and your mama cannot cure it. Drop the rock!”

I am trying! I want to be free! Kay says again, “Drop the rock! No one can do it for you. Only you, can drop it.”

I am ready with sobbing that floods all around me. Still, it is not enough until I drop the rock.

Thanks for reading!

Authors Note: The conversation with Kay only happened in my head. But she has said so many words similar. Let us make it clear I love my Mama and I love Kay my dearest friend forever. Both are incredibly special people.

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!