writing

My Helper’s Motivating Me To Do It

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Hey Everybody !

Here I am again. This time I am talking about, using my caregiver as motivation for me to just do it. It is hard for me to comprehend just how set I am in my ways of doing things. I am telling you; I have higher expectations for doing a task than most are willing to do.

I am having to set reasonable boundaries; this is something brand new for me and stick to them. It makes me nervous and anxious because for me it is usually confronting something.

I remarked to her face that washing hands are important when touching food, dishes, anything, or anyone, that washing hands is important. She is temporary. Therefore, she is my motivator for me to do my own tasks.

I will just have her do things that are not in direct contact with me. I do not dread this woman; I feel sorry for her. That can be a downfall for me too. She is helping me get stronger; in the fact, I can do more for myself.

How does this fit in with gratitude, recovery, and my spiritual life? Physically, it is helping me do more and be more active. This also helps me emotionally. I have gratitude for being able to do more than I have been able to do in the last 4 years. I must slow down and think what I am going to say; and take those pauses so that I speak clearly, nicely, and still make my statements.

I feel like this helper is to teach me more about understanding rather than me being understood. However, I am also finding my voice and to live peacefully as possible.

Everything changes and I am hoping to keep changing with learning to be more tolerant.

I am loving myself today. I love my apartment and want to take care of it and me. There is more work to do on improving myself and my apartment. The main thing is keeping the promise to myself to do better. There are things I have not done well. I am keeping stock of those and trying to correct those things. They are a huge struggle. In the meantime, it is about being grateful for what has changed, and what I continue to do for improvement.

I refuse to go back to the way I once lived. One day, I hope to get the thorn out of my side and be free. I am working up to trying to get out at least once a month for something I want socially.

Even with all the help and money in the world, no one can do our work for us.

  • I am grateful for hot coffee on such a freezing morning.
  • I am grateful for changes.
  • I am grateful that I can see myself truthfully today.
  • I am grateful for my own space.
  • I am grateful for God who loves and understands me trying to better know Him amid my wrongs.
  • I am grateful I get to change my story today.
  • I am grateful for the desire to have a sincere relationship with myself.
  • I am grateful for the way out.
  • I am grateful for the different seasons and patience.
  • I am grateful there is more life, and that I get to take care of what I currently have in all things.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Gratitude In Changes And Taking Care Of Myself

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Good morning!

Happy Tuesday morning.

I am looking forward to the day opening with almost having a heatwave of 58° here in Southeast Missouri. I am starting my day with gratitude for that alone. It is a wonderful day to open the apartment and let fresh air in.

It is also a wonderful day to get my walking in. I want more exercise than these four walls. I hope to get a few pictures hung. I want to enjoy myself just being at home with no nurse visits or helpers today.

I have a new caregiver coming on Wednesday. I want time to myself today.

  • I am grateful for a beautiful day.
  • I am grateful enjoying my coffee undisturbed and in relative silence.
  • I am grateful to share my experiences with others.
  • I am grateful for my genuine smile on the inside as well today.
  • I am grateful for regaining physical strength.
  • I am grateful I am not in the dumps today.
  • I am grateful for help and those who look out for me.
  • I am grateful for the choice to do better.
  • I am grateful there is the chance to live happy and purposeful.
  • I am grateful for family and friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put in a list.

I get the choice to take care of myself in effective ways today. For me, it must start with gratitude. Just being grateful to wake up today. To see the beauty in life. In another time and place that was a dream. Today it is my reality.

In doing everyday things to make my meals today. There were times I was unable to make myself a meal. Today I can.

I am also thinking about my one word for the year, which is the word, seek. I had a small thought of what that might mean for me this year. The truth being, some of the things I have shared in my recent posts, I had no idea I would share. The thing for me to recognize is I am not the same person today.

I have and will talk to God about those matters.

I am not willing to live a life based on anger and needless worry. I am not willing to stay in depression and pull the covers over my head every day.

I have issues to deal with. I will not let those issues overtake me today. As I am unable to live anyone else’s life nor can anyone live my life.

It has taken me years to stop taking your temperature to see if I am okay. Guess what? I am doing great! There are still areas of my life that need work and thank goodness for grace. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings today.

I got my own backyard and sidewalk to clean. I cannot be meddling in yours.
I am going to keep seeking a happy, joyous, and free life.

I also want to say I am grateful for all the teachers in my life. I have been told by others and believe them; I can have a good life. I am going for it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Looking Ahead in February For Self-Care

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While I am doing the best, I can at not isolating, sometimes you do have to shut the door to the outside world and shut off the phone. It is a balancing act.

Today while at the wound center It got very cold outside and all I could think about was coming home and ripping into the crockpot of homemade chili. I made myself wait almost an hour and a half though even after I got home.

I did shut the door and I only turned down the volume on my phone as opposed to shutting it off. I savored every bite of my bowl of chili.

I feel warm, safe, and nourished now.

I wanted to take time to write today as we begin the second month of 2021.

I have been out in left field feeling sorry for myself and grieving. It is all a mixed bag. I think I am back on track now, telling myself to get it together. One day it will be too late to get it together; so, I hope I get it together sooner.

I am trying to corner off my safe space. I must figure out what works for me. I am hanging on to the hope I have now, and hopefully it grow within me.

I suppose writing is one of my ways of reaching out and even passing on what I have.

When I talk about creating that safe space it includes nurturing myself, making better choices realizing I have to self-parent, telling myself no to some things and saying yes to new ideas. Doing what I need to care for myself.

I guess I have done well at limiting my sodium as my blood tests came up that I was a little low on sodium. The suggestion came along to drink some Gatorade and I should be fine. Even the tiniest suggestion can make a way for change.

I am not usually one to jump up and down asking for suggestions unless it is in a smart-alecky way. However, maybe it is time I take a serious look at that and just do what has already been suggested.

I probably spend more time going back the way I came just to ask; are you sure this is the way to the yellow brick road? I could have been at the yellow brick road and planted trees by now if it were not for all the back tracking.

I am looking forward to the month ahead that I can gain some solid footing. This month will hopefully be me putting everything into action I know to do to take care of myself.

Challenges do come along. That does not mean I have to let those challenges sweep me way from doing what I know in my heart to be right in taking care of myself.

I am ready to learn to love myself the right way and make better choices.

May we all do the next right thing.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

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Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

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Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Facing Everything and Recovering This Too Shall Pass

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train with smoke

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Hi Everyone and Welcome! 

 I have been more than a few days and once again, I am switching gears. 

We will get back to the 4th step, just not right now. 

This week is a busy week and I hope to try to stay current in my writing. It is important for me to write even if it is not always the best writing. It is what helps keep me sane, it does help me process, and I hear it even helps others. 

In the past week, I have mourned over a friend who died. I have been dealing with physical and my own emotional issues as well. 

We all have been dealing with the pandemic and the ramifications of everything to do with it. I know you are sick of hearing about it, as well as myself. I do not want to have to deal with it another day, but that’s not reality. 

It is the suggestion of everything for most of us. For others, it is not that simple. They are facing it head-on. God Bless each one of you. 

I have learned a few things about myself this week. It is important to have the schedule and stick to it. It is the small stuff that trips me up. The reason being when it is small stuff, it adds up and becomes overwhelming.  

For me personally, when I am overwhelmed I have a habit of just staying in bed, not answering the phone, and doing anything I can to avoid the pain. While this is not new to me; it is something I acknowledge. I will not let it remain this way, because after a while there are repercussions of avoiding.  

Inevitably, it is all got to be faced and dealt with. I cannot do this by myself. It is imperative that I have help from others and a power greater than myself. 

I must believe in hope. Without hope, I will perish. I die inside each time I start to give up and say no to those things that would aid in me being able to flourish. 

It goes back to our thoughts, self-talk, and mindset. I am having to ask God to help me change each of these. 

Throughout the day, I have found me yelling at myself to stop it! Then the next breath,  Devil you are a liar and only God’s Word is true.  

This has been my experience. Sometimes it is easier than other times to stay on top of this 

It has been difficult as usual to stay in contact with people who are good for me as well. I must do it and start being consistent with to not be defeated. 

The pain gets real without taking steps to take care of myself. The willingness to go forward means facing it all, feeling it all, and still take responsibility for taking care of myself, the best that I am able. 

It means making those lists and checking them off as I do each thing.  

I hope my actions in writing prove my willingness and consistency. This has been a big challenge I hope to change in. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

 

 

 

 

Step Four A Vigorous Course Of Action

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hello Everyone! 

I have returned as promised. I am just a little later in the day than last time.  

I am going to recap a bit on what we last discussed and that defining the difference between facts and feelings. I also went in to how that works when implementing a Twelve Step Program into your life as I and countless others have done. 

We only reached as far as the Step 3 and now we are ready to go into how Step 4 should look like and remembering to keep to the facts. That is not to say feelings will not come up. 

Most definitely feelings will come up and what a great tool for dealing with those feelings such as Step 4. We cannot do these steps alone. We will inevitably run onto trouble if we do. We run risk the chance of not being honest mostly with ourselves and God, but others too. 

It is recommended doing this with a sponsor or clergyman. However, it can be with anyone other than a spouse or significant other. This could cause further damage to an already injured party. 

We do not get to relieve ourselves at someone else’s expense. It is just not recovery or even trying to build any life focused, if that is what we do. 

It is helpful to start with a prayer asking God to help us list everyone we can think of we resent.  

We start with making four columns and the first column we start with the heading “I Resent:” and work down that first column. In that column only we list everyone everything or institution we resent until we have listed everything.  

We only must deal with this column only today. This way we can finish the column and not be tempted to just jump over and start writing out casus and blow everything up before we even get started.  

We are only responsible for our own recovery and all we have is today. It is good to make notes also, but we deal only with this column. 

I keep repeating myself because I, myself need things repeated constantly. I hate it and need it both. 

I am one who easily sees the shiny objects in the middle of something important such as starting out on the vigorous course of action. It is important that my attention be gotten a hold of, so I stick close to the task at hand. 

Repetition helps me remember things even if I do not like what I am having to sift through now. This is a fact-finding process which undoubtedly brings up plenty of feelings.  

However, feelings do not get us close to a solution, but they do explain our reasoning and thought process and help us come to an admission of sorts. 

Who or what do we resent? Who or what makes us grind our teeth or spit nails? 

That is what this column is all about. Keeping it inside is only going to keep us sick.  

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Real Recovery With Facts Not Feelings

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train under bridge on railway

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Hi Everyone!

I really want to start out today with The Serenity Prayer My Way: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. May I do thy will always. Amen.”

Thank goodness for the tools to work with, to help ourselves be more genuine. Even when we may seem or even in fact, we are unwilling to do what is in front of us, there are seeds being planted.

Obviously, I am not going to do His Will always. But I can put it out there as my mission to do so. I need that spiritual connection and I believe the only way to achieve that is by being as close to who I was created to be.

The first part is knowing who I am in this exact moment, right now. It’s not about who I hope to be, or what I aspire to be, or what others want for me, or even what I want. Its who I am right now. Each of us must answer this for our own self.

There are 3 facts that have become a saying recovery:

I cannot, He can, I think I will let Him! Every day I make this choice by my actions in living.

There is a magic word in there I used. Facts are the reality and it is not about feelings. We soon learn we must define each and not confuse the two. They are not the same and we often confuse feelings for facts.

I still do this often and it takes talking to someone and often it is a lot like being talked down from a ledge. Because when we live life by feelings, the insanity has returned, or it never left.

You see the part of I cannot, really means I make the admission my life is in shambles and I am insane. The He can part, is understanding God can fix things with our cooperation of course and we can be returned to that of a sound mind.

The I will let Him part, is deciding to turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. This is where we begin asking God to direct our thoughts at the start of our day.

It is a daily process and a choice to make each day. I am reminding myself of this very fact. None of us are immune to the ugliness we can feel and let that start directing our day which will end in disaster if we let it.

We are asking God to help us throughout the day first by directing our thoughts. Then we ask for help as too not to add to the wreckage we have already done.

We are taught that if we screw it up, we correct our deeds as soon as possible. Delay may mean we never make it right. It is all about us sweeping our side of the street. What others say, do, or think, is none of our business.

These are the facts in how recovery should work. I am certain we all have our variations.

While we are not cookie cutter human beings or spiritual beings even, the process is still the same.

Stay tuned until next time, as I describe the inventory process and fact-finding results and what it all means. What exactly is that process all about.

We cannot do it all on our own we need help. We are not alone today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Gotta Keep Picking Myself Up I’ll Be Okay

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments

red and black train

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Hello Everyone! 

 It’s been another long lapse in time since I last blogged.  I do want to be better at time management and being more consistent in writing.  

This week kas been a continuance from the weekend of remembering my dad’s celebration of life and some other memorials throughout my life.  

My assignment has been to feel the feelings. It really sucks to feel the feelings when dealing with grief and other unpleasant emotions. 

I am dealing with my own sickness and even the soul sickness. 

Some might be wondering what a real soul sickness is exactly.  

For me the soul sickness is my disease in my own head that is so self-judgmental in telling me, I don’t have a right to continue to grieve. I have had several other people die in a short time that have touched my life in one way or another. 

The pandemic has magnified a lot of it too, I will also grant that as true.  

On bright side note I will also state I had one full week of not feeling any kind of depression.  

The past 3 days have been jumping through hoops to get things done. I just fall into bed after a day is done. 

I am horrible at follow through even when its for the good of my health and well-being and having to do the pleasant voice act for professional phone calls make me want to scream. 

But I managed to schedule a doctor’s appointment, scheduled a pickup for delivery return, and dropped off a return. I have been playing mix and match with my prescriptions so the right ones get ordered. 

I have not kept up again with family and friends, but the truth is I am feeling fragile. After having to get out yesterday, had me feeling I was going to collapse at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my apartment. 

While a lot of this is just ordinary everyday stuff to toggle through and work out it is exactly the stuff that breaks us. This is known as the small stuff and it’s hard to do, when you’re not sure how much more you can handle. 

To think about self-care in this position is about rest, eating, drinking fluids, taking medications, and my sarcastic side says yes! sometimes getting through by prayer and medication.  

Self-care includes those ten-minute breaks of crying, even though it feels like hours.  

A big misconception seems to be that one is weak for crying. While I do feel weak for crying; I know today that is untrue. 

The pandemic itself has brought on many changes and in some cases, it has taken away a few choices. It sure has brought old and new grief, both. 

Grief makes everything come to the surface. Especially, my fears.  This now becomes a faith walk. I must find gratitude to combat the fear. Some days are easier than others. 

I promised someone I was going to blog Sunday; it is now Wednesday evening. I guess better late than never. 

  1. I am grateful to push through and get several things completed. 
  1. I am grateful for friends to reach out to. 
  1. I am grateful for guidance. 
  1. I am grateful for well wishes and prayers said for me. 
  1. I am grateful even if I am late, I am walking through and feeling the feelings. 
  1. I am grateful I can make this blog entry today. 
  1. I am grateful to have made doctor’s appointments. 
  1. I am grateful for not giving up and throwing in the towel. 
  1. I am grateful to be trying to be less judgmental of myself. 
  1. I am grateful I can stay inside the next several days. I don’t have to get over heated. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!