Prayer

My Personal Indepence Day Includes Loving Myself

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Ian Espinosa Sparklers

Photo By Ian Espinosa @unsplash.com

Hi Everyone! BoxcarMike here with todays topic along the lines of personal independence from certain medical appendages. I also want to state that just for today I am willing to love myself. It has taken over decade to get to this point where I can say I love me, to myself.

I have had a few health issues and the past two months have had a PICC Line in my arm to receive I-V Antibiotics. I am very grateful it was removed today. I feel freedom without it now.

The one thing that is relevant is that I felt so drained after it was removed because of the added stress I have had in being fearful it would mess up. Towards the end of this journey with the PICC Line I was losing patience with the staff at the infusion center. The nurses though were very good.

I had nurses from another agency come in with the help of my Nurse Practitioner. I was also becoming less patient with acquaintances. When I feel drained, I have less tolerance for people, and it will come out if I don’t remove myself from the situation.

I am exhausted, I have to rely upon self-care at this point, and taking it easy.

Today is the anniversary of celebrating my Dad’s Life 14 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday, most of the time. My brother, Sister, Mom and others made me smile big smiles today. I honestly felt like my brother was with me even though we just shared some news back and forth. He lives in a whole other country, so it was special.

I still grieve a lot for my dad. I also go through moments of being angry about it, but I recognize that today. Oh, and my brother and sister (his wife- I refuse to call her sister-in-law because she’s like a sister.) They raised a fine son and I can’t be prouder of them for doing so.

My mom is a beautiful loving lady with a great heart for people. There’s so much I still want to fix, like seeing her more but I can’t control that right now. Her husband is just as loving. I miss my mom greatly. I have to be well enough to go see her also.

All in all, I am a work in progress. My independence is just starting. I am hoping I grow more independent and finally heal from everything.

My Grandma says something like, the sun will still rise tomorrow. She has great wisdom and is also very loving and caring. I miss time with her as well. Back to the sun still rising tomorrow, simply means life will go on regardless of my decisions or happiness. It’s up to me to be accepting of each choice I make.

The other thing my Grandma has said when I have been angry is, that I will get glad in the same pants I got mad in. If I just learn to listen and remember there is always great wisdom to live by.

Thanks for reading!

 

Ain’t Ya Tired Yet? Trains and Other Things

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george cernytrain

Photo by George Cerny@unsplash.com

All Aboard! The train whistle blows! BoxcarMike Here!

It feels so good to be home! I’ve missed me for a while now. I am okay. I am being given the chance to change on a daily basis.

It’s a great thing this train is conditioned, at 100° heat index outside.  Enjoying my afternoon coffee in the cool air.  I am filled with gratitude as I look back over the past 2 months and June the craziest month of all. I am enjoying my cigarettes too because I am still addicted to them. That’s okay today. They are my form of coping with life, but I also pray and meditate, just not always as I should.

I have learned a lot from gathering around the tables the past couple of years just how much chaos we create for ourselves, in this thing we call life. We gotta play the hand we are dealt; here’s one of my dad’s sayings, work smarter not harder!

I learned from saying one prayer God has not dropped me. I have lived in such doubt, right up to the moment my prayer was answered. I haven’t had to take a drink or a drug, through the insanity I caused somehow. But I did lose me in the mix before maybe even up until today and I ranted about the anniversaries this week brings up for me, I realized I was free and honest. This was with my brothers, sisters, and my mama bear as I call her to myself, and a few others around the table today.

When my prayer was answered and yes, a lot of begging God because unless this prayer was answered, I would probably lose my apartment. I knew I deserved no help. I had so much pride I couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on. I don’t have to share that here either. Its just a fact, things were not okay.

July 4th is The USA’s Independence Day. Well I am hoping to have my own Independence Day as well, from this picc-line.

July 5th represents the day we celebrated my Dad’s life 14 years ago. That same day in 1979 was my independence from a foster home where some traumatic things happened, before I ever met my Mom and Dad. Can I let go of any of it? Some days I can, and some days like today, I get reminders to keep on forgiving.

As usual I weep and feel the raw emotions during my writing. But I’ve missed me so much because in all earnestness I love the sober me. I feel deeply in all things, when I allow myself that freedom.

It was last weekend when it dawned on me so many anniversaries were coming up. I couldn’t figure out why I was so crazy, besides everything at home going on. This weekend when my prayer was answered I heard my friend say this, Ain’t ya tired yet? As I shared this after the gathering with someone else, they said yeah, its time to take action. Am I gonna have to go though some time, of being uncomfortable? Probably. Anything is better than what was/is.

I am sure this writing leaves more questions than answers. Really what it comes down to is, it’s between me and God. Just as your life is between you and that power greater than yourself.

Some days are the hardest in learning the art of letting go. Other days, it’s hardest to know what to hold on to.

I am grateful to my friend and Sister in Christ Nancy for this reminder:

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My Mom and Dad gave me their love and forgiveness, before my Dad died. I gave them my forgiveness and love as well. It is all a process and it is a long journey. It ain’t over until it’s over.

There’s always more people to forgive and the art of accepting forgiveness yourself.

Thanks for reading!