Prayer

Confronting Every Aspect of My Life’s Hypocrisy

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Walthers Park DeSoto Missouri 2016

Hey, Y’all!

I am here and we have some new viewers and new followers. I welcome you all and I hope everyone feels free to comment and post.

I also added one new page of links to this blog “Cooking Shows And Other Favorites.”

I am excited with today’s topic continuing where I kind of strayed off-topic with integrity. I took a break from it. Without further droning on.

Here, we go!

Hypocrisy would mean lacking integrity. Saying I believe one way and then acting differently. However, I would be preaching to others the importance of holding up a moral code. One I did not follow myself, therefore making me a hypocrite.

I decided after a talk with my mama to look up the definition of integrity I ended up with a good summarization of the word after surfing the internet. One plain definition in just plain talk is, behaving in such a way that one does the right thing even when no one is watching.

A quote shared with me is and found spot on.

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. It’s choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. It’s choosing to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”

— Brené Brown, via twitter.com Dare To Lead

Definition of integrity

1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: INCORRUPTIBILITY

2: an unimpaired condition: SOUNDNESS

3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: COMPLETENESS

Cited from: Merriam-Webster Dictionary

My self-examination and inventory of my life over the years have finally gotten me to scream to myself; “your words and your actions must match up to have any quality of life.”

The things I have had to look and test with are the quotes below:

  1. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  George S. Patton
  2. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” Stephanie Lahart
  3. “Is it true, is it kind, or is it necessary?” Socrates

I have had to look at my life and something helped that I took hard at the time was when a friend mentioned, “Oh so a lot of your problems have been self-imposed and self-sabotaged?” Well, I was taken aback and embarrassed by the truth in front of me. I sheepishly answered, yeah.

But that seed planted was enough to grow and finally get me to face me.

I started changing as I feel granted more years to live than what could have been. It was not enough. There had to be more crucial changes my diet had to change. I had to admit to my innermost being that I was addicted to food as much as I was an alcoholic and addict.

I started over on my step work I started getting more honest.
I had to get past being a victim of circumstances and I am working hard on that today.

In the not-too-distant past, I had to admit I was addicted to more. I had to start changing what I was feeding myself through screens. It was taking me down and giving me a paralyzing fear.

I listened to a message yesterday at Browers Wesleyan Church. I listened with more intent on receiving a message just as much, maybe, even more, than when I decided I was defeated by my other addictions. You don’t have to agree with me or what was spoken.

Now I have already been making changes before this message was ever spoken. The real question for me yesterday was, will I keep doing what I am doing or go back to old ways.

I want my whole life above board. If I feel the need to hide anything then I am not walking the life of integrity. The thing is I am not hiding anything anymore. I will not go backward on this.

It is the secrets that will kill you.

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) 6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Everything I say is about my journey, my walk; if it helps you then great.

I know this was still a basic overview and hope to dive deeper in the next blog post entry.

I am not done with this subject by a long shot!

Like I have said before, I was told I could have a better life. I want that better life. I am doing what I have to for me to get it.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Integrity Not Only In Words But Action

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I am very excited to finally be writing tonight. I have had many technical interruptions that held me off from writing today.

There has been a series of events that happened because of my willingness to change and trust different processes along the way.

In my previous posts, you will have read about my hospitalizations and time in a rehab center following many falls from bed. Plus, there were a host of many things brought on by my health difficulties, of gaining weight, diabetes, wound ulcers swelling, and unwillingness to be hospitalized until a time it was close to the last call.

So, the very first thing I want to share is my right leg and foot are wound-free. Every wound is closed and healed on that leg and foot!

To me, that is a huge miracle! I am so thankful to God for this very thing. I am thankful to drivers’ nurses, doctors, friends, family, and support in all different ways. It took everything and everyone. I do have to keep compression wraps on that leg. But is so amazing.

The left leg and foot where the wounds are, very close to closing. They have a little way to go yet. However, it is so much better.

I left the rehab right before July 4th, 2021; It was then, I made a promise to myself and others, that nothing was going to be the same ever again.

Used by permission of meltblogs from Facebook.com

This right here is what I am replacing my negative self-talk with. Read the words in that meme picture.

I began making changes in my diet asking for help more. At the time I needed more help.

My own photo of What I prepared homemade.

There has been a mountain of changes. Exercising and working with physical therapy, walking more and more so recently. Doing my best to make life less complicated, more organized, and simpler.

I have had to clear my mind of the junk I have held onto for years. I have had to stop excuses for my behavior. It has truly become a program of action. It comes in forgiving others and learning to let myself off the hook for things that were not my fault.

In The last few weeks even, most recently, this week I have drawn some lines in the sand for myself. I have had to get real with God and my faith. I have had to admit some wrongs. I continuously take inventory of myself and even a few lingering details of my past.

I have had to return to a relationship with God built on total honesty and his mercy and grace through all my trials.

I went home and moved to a street-level apartment. I was home for two months or so. Then it was to only be back in the hospital for like a week and diagnosed with osteomyelitis.

I was doing everything I could to get off the PICC line. I was scared I would be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. I have been off antibiotics for about a few weeks now think.

The night I got home from the hospital I talked to God and said I was not ready yet.

I found out I have a whole lot of life left in me. I am making the changes, I am sharing who I am today, what I have done, and this broken mess of a life, I have been leading.

Walking With my walker “Cadillac Jack”
Photos of my walk

I am stopping the negative self-talk, the complaining about not enough. The secret thoughts, I am bringing them to light; I want to show them for what they are and to put them down.

I do want to figure out something as I heal more and more to generate an income and be able to get off government aid and disability. I want to own my own home.

The time is getting real folks! Inflation is going to eat us up.  I won’t sit by and just be quiet anymore. I am also ready to say let’s fire every single one in office as “We the People.” Because almost every single last one in the office is not for the people of this country. We are going to have to pull together no matter which side you are on and be self-sustaining people! Buy Local! I am hearing it from farmers and truckers alike. We must figure out how to replenish what we take from our communities. If we do not, we all go under.

I am getting off track but on track too!

Integrity is taking on the responsibility of my whole self and being true, through and through.

I want to live comfortably in my skin and call a spade a spade. No more hiding. No More on the fence!

I hope you enjoy the many pictures I am sharing as well.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Working On Updating Two New Pages To Boxcar Mike

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Photo by: Michael D Radin

Hi Everyone!

I am currently in the middle of drafting two new pages to be added to Boxcar Mike.

One of the pages will feature recovery link resources.

The second page will have the cooking shows I watch and follow on Facebook and Youtube social media.

In my most recent post, I mention how important it is for me to have a routine and schedule. I hope to share more content such as pictures and more specifically, sharing how I live out my daily life.

I have a list of things to do today. These things include laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cooking, taking out the trash, and walking.

There is always plenty of action to be taken. This is where my phrases of doing the next right thing and first things first, come in as help to remind me to breathe in and out. The next right thing is to take the action.

Lists are helpful for me, but it means taking action again. Lists are not helpful if you don’t take the action. I sometimes have made lists and have not even taken the first step. It all just becomes words on paper never getting anything done.

There are many times when I must keep moving items to be done to the next day’s list. That is until I bite the bullet and complete, said items.

It is the simplest things that can determine how my day goes with my reaction to taking charge of them. The important thing is for me to keep moving forward with exercise health, faith, prayer, and meditation.

Sometimes I must stop in the middle of something go back to the last next right thing. For instance, I had to stop writing for a minute and go grab my phone and put it on the charger, so it is fully charged for my walk.

When walking any distance alone I must have my phone with me for any emergency and my safety. But anyone who knows me, knows I hate being attached to a phone. I think I was born a rule breaker. The phone has that rule of reminding of a routine.

I have rebelled against a routine because I just wanted freedom. I am finding out today that having a routine does give me freedom. It is just about breaking habits now. I mean the habits that get in the way of me following a routine.

I hate discussions on habits, but I know I will be asked about it. It is the habit of laziness and wanting to pull the covers over your head and scream at people to get out!

I am constantly questioning my motives in doing everything because, in the past, all my motives did not always have the best intentions. Here is the best thing about questioning myself today; I have better choices to make.

I do not always choose the better choices. But again, there rings that freedom in making choices. I can always improve.

I went back to writing on my routine again.

The original intent of this entry was to update you on what I plan to add to this blog. Well, originally, I was going to try to feature this stuff on Facebook and have people come over there and interact with me there.

However, Facebook just didn’t have the appeal to me as the platform to share the same pages.

So here we are. I hope to get more updating done today but it will come after my list of stuff to get done.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Yall Everybody!

Humility Gives A New Outlook And Strength

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Photo by Victor Freitas on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

It is great to be behind the keyboard once more. My hope is that at least one person feels helped by my sharing whenever that time may come, even if it is not today.

If I use humility as the tool to look at myself square in the eye and just admit them. Humility as a tool means I finally stop trying to explain my wrongs away. Once, I have listed my shortcomings and acknowledge them, as well as give all of myself to my Creator.

Reprinted.76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. (“The Seventh Step Prayer”) Amen

With What I have shared in the past two posts, this is only a beginning for me in trying to repair the wreckage I have caused, in the lives of others and my own.

I often drag my feet in doing the next right thing. It is because I hate having to face the fact of one more wrong. However, if I am to ever be free from the bondage of self it is necessary to do so.

In my wrongs, it is not the fact I was drunk or high. It is the fact of having an alcoholic mind and living with untreated alcoholism. On the other hand, every time I drank or got high there was usually an embarrassing scene.

In my fifty years plus of living nothing has been more apparent, than the embarrassment of my behavior because things were not going my way. The aftermath has been horrible; at times I want to give myself that as an excuse to not look at my behavior. I cannot change behaviors I am unwilling to look at.

The difference is today that I do want to do the next right thing. I do want to make things right and not just bury myself in a hole and be isolated because someone might call me out on something. Hiding is a cowardly way out.

The whole time I ran from my problems and pain and that is I learned to survive. It is not an excuse; there comes a point to look at everything, admit, make right what I can, and give the rest to God.

Step Seven in my journey is just the beginning of looking at everything that has been at the root of the harm to other people, places, and things. I believe that humility must come before going into Step Eight.

It reminds me that I do not have to go into self-pity and just give a brush off once more. Humility gives the foundation and strength to admit to the harms I have caused, so that I might be genuine making my list and forthright in step nine to make the amends.

It is a lifelong process that makes it possible to live in my own skin and not have regrets. I have always yelled at others to look at the truth.
It is not about them anymore. It never was.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody !

Here We Go Again Another Round At The ER

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

He Y’all I am up late tonight behind the keyboard once more.

My heart is heavy and have some concerns as I must get up in the morning and head to the emergency room at the hospital. Today I got a call late from the wound clinic that the Nurse Practitioner wants me to go to the emergency room to have my feet checked out. They are not evidently and or going in the right direction of healing.

I have several good things on my side though. I have a praying Mama and Grandma. I also have several friends praying and most people I miss terribly. But I have never felt so cared for by so many people. I have a good friend willing to take me to the hospital.

I promised my Mama I could go back to sleep, and I am exhausted even though I did sleep all evening. I had my friendly helper fry up some hamburger and all I had to do was put it together with cheese, chips, sour cream, and guacamole for some simple nachos.

However, I had to stop and ask her to finish it because I got weak all the sudden. I should have sat down to do it in hindsight. I got about a 1/4 of it down and I am taking bites of some more of it as I write this entry. But once I ate, I knew I had to lay down and I am blaming most of it on not sleeping well the night before.

I had overslept and the nurse said she had come by to change my dressings. I never heard or call or knock on the door /ring the bell. Thankfully I woke up before a great panic set in to call my friend who has a key to my apartment and the whole thing start with calling my mom. I called the nurse, and she came back by 1:30pm.

When she started unwrapping my legs and feet, I had pain. There is a calloused part starting to look like it could open into a wound. This is not a good thing as I just got off the IV antibiotics through the PICC Line I had in my arm through my rehab and all.

Also, the night before I started throwing up. I had chalked it up to some food not agreeing with me. However, I also know this could have been a sign and I just thought of it now. So, one more thing I must tell the doctors in the morning.

The blood tests they did which is routine was some highs and some lows and I never can figure it all out, but I was doing better when I was on my protein shakes for sure.

I am trying to get all of this out of my head so I can stop worrying.

When I finally did call my Mama, I admitted I was afraid about even going to the hospital and did not want to go, but we both know I must. She prayed for the fear to go, and I prayed for her to have supernatural rest and that her husband be healed of his ailments and that God will heal my Mama in ways that He knows she needs to be healed.

My living room/office is clean and mostly decluttered. I will not get to enjoy it so much tomorrow. It makes me sad we got it clean for me just to leave for the hospital. At least it will be clean when I come home.

I am leaving between 9:30 and 10:00 am to head to the hospital. Now to make a list for in the morning of things I want to take including a list of my medications and all.

I am going to try to take a short walk. I want to enjoy the midnight air. So maybe just on this short sidewalk in front of my apartment. I will have my phone with me.

I will get back to sleep and wake in the morning. Oh, also I need to call my therapist so he knows everything going on and maybe I will talk to him just shortly before this whole ball starts rolling tomorrow.

I have some tears and it is okay as I do have a lot to cry over and a lot to be grateful for both. I guess my prayer is that Jesus takes the wheel and bring me back whole somehow. This is a hard walk. I wish I could hug everyone. I am sure you think I am just being dramatic, but it is scary, and I love every one of you. God Bless you and keep you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Changes Coming A Whole Brand New Ballgame

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Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody!

I am here with more reasons and mostly the same reasons why I seem to be missing in action a lot. My health has been on a decline as well as my emotional well-being and nervous system.

I really thought I could move ahead with out as many changes. That was my first mistake.

I have had a couple of falls and being stuck off the bed and on halfway kind of pinned and on box springs. I could not get me up. I was trapped by own weight, dead weight.

The muscle behind my knee has quit working right. It is the muscle that allows us to bend our knees and legs to get up almost without thinking about it when we are healthy.

I hate admitting this because there is nothing else, nor anyone else to put the blame on. I have allowed my unhealthy ways to trap me in.

I must dig out the tools and figure out how I can live peaceably but healthier in my eating and exercise. It includes getting enough water, rest, and actual sleep as well.

Even starting on a small scale of change is better than not trying at all.

I have my reasons for not wanting weight loss surgery. So, I have 6 months to convince the medical team I can make a goal and keep moving forward.

EMS has been here a total of two times; I do not want there to be a third time.

I still must decide what goals are attainable and reasonable for me, for this next month. I must write them down and track the steps to accomplish them.

I really was not prepared in thinking how messed up my body is even though people could yell it at me. Even though caring all I heard was the yelling or their passion.

I refuse to be defeated and it all hurts physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Whatever I decide I am going to have to stick with it because change is hard and its going to take repetition of new things to make this change.

The hardest is feeling the shame inside feeling crippled by it just as much as the dis-eases that come with unhealthy living.

You think that by doing a few healthy things it can get better. I can tell you; it is not enough to do just a few things.

I want to change and do better. It will take lots of hard work on my part.

There are other changes that will have to take place too though I am not ready to confront those just yet.

The way I do figure it is if these changes can happen then its way better than the humiliation and self-degradation, I have been through by not being able to help myself.

I never felt so small than when I was communicating to my mom that I was scared and that I had to get my oxygen level up and be able to do the exercises.

But I felt great after prayer with her I was able to do both get my oxygen level up and get some exercises in.

I have a chance to change; I am going to take it with Gods help.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y‘all Everybody!

Taking Action to Make Changes Happen

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Photo by Vlad Cheu021ban on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

I really cannot say I have accomplished a lot in the way of moving forward to look for a new place to live. I also have done horrible staying in touch with people. But again, I will not give up. I can do better and vow to do so.

I did make a list with due dates for each task and a place to mark in my progress, until I have completed the list. I made such a list years ago to motivate myself to complete such tasks.

It already has motivated me to get rid of the piles of papers on my desk and put them in folders. One thing that was important for me was to get all my bills down to a zero balance. This has relieved a lot of stress and undue pressure on myself.

This last week I had a face-to-face therapy session. One of the great things about this session was to find and feel that spiritual connection again. It has stayed on my mind since last Friday.

It has been a long time to find the spiritual part under all the human brokenness in me. Its just junk that I have been carrying around. I do not always know how to let go or deal with it rationally.

It was as if God Himself, pushed all the junk aside and asked if I would meet him in the middle so I can be free. This getting ready to move is like the physical act of cleaning the junk out and taking responsibility for myself. I do want to be willing to let go of the crud and stop being afraid of everything.

When I feel halfway decent, it is like all the things are being put in place for me to keep busy and not be distracted. As I write this, I see how I finished one task completely. I have 11 more tasks on my list to complete by the end of the week.

The other thing I need to address is that I need to put in the work of showing care for all those in my tribe and doing my best to reply to people more promptly. This is especially true with those of you in my own tribe. I do value each and everyone of you who read what I have to say.

I guess all in all when we say we are ready to make a change we must take physical action. If we do not act, it makes it hard to show the seriousness in making the changes needed.

I guess as I reflect over my life right now, I see this as a moment I am choosing to want to make a change. In this moment I get to take the steps necessary to make this change.

Acting, gives me freedom to choose and not be forced into moving where I do not want to move. Real self-care begins when you take the forcefulness out of your life by doing the next right thing.

I am now really excited for this journey to continue.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Photo by mirsad mujanovic on Pexels.com

Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

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Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!