Love

How Do I Release Love And Let It Flow

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Hi Everyone,

Today I am posting in how I release love and let it flow through my passions.

The only way to release love is to have love. I believe you only possess love by experiencing love, in a way that has reached you to the core of your soul. I think its spiritual and in a way that is beyond mumbling the many eloquent words of a prayer or just seeing the sun rise and sunset.

Do not get me wrong. I believe prayer and meditation are important but again they come by experiencing true love.

The true love comes when you are touched to your core to finally reach outside of yourself and make it known you are searching and looking for ways to touch those that have that have touched you to your soul.

Maybe it is someone in your tribe. Maybe it is a stranger’s story.

Let me explain; I do believe in the divine. I believe in divine appointments. These appoint were spoken before the formation of this world its nothing can conjure up or make happen without the spiritual world working in it all.

In these appointments, two or more are touched and love takes effect.  It is in love we are found to our core and more layers of stuff comes from us and even healings of many types can or may happen.

We become more of our true selves and in that sense, we give love to our passions which in turn touch others to their core.

We are only vessel being used and yet heal also if we are willing to be that vessel.

The spiritual journey is not a head trip it happens when we take the action needed. We get a chance to change the negative cycles at work in us.

I have two passions and they include writing and baking. I have been asking myself what they have to with each other. The simple answer is love.

Inside each of us I believe is the desire to create but it only works when we trust The One Creator of us all.

One cliché line is that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. In this instance when the pupil is ready, he or she is ready to stop fighting everything, everyone, and even their self.

I am by no means there all the way. But I am dropping each rock of hardness along the way.

Maybe for the first time I can finally concede to the fact that peace of mind is not just a Mary Poppins fairy tale. It is attainable if we work towards and have an open mind and heart.

Love does win.

Yesterday, I celebrated 16 years of continuous sobriety and clean time.

There is no formula; it is just one day at a time. I want to live a real life today. I am finally reaching that goal as I put one foot in front of the other. This is as spiritual as I get.

I hope to meet many more I trudge this road! Let us not give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

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Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day Mama and All Moms

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Hi Family and Friends,

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mothers! This most importantly to all of you where you gave birth or stepped in to be the caring one for any child. To be a stepmother, foster mother adoptive mother, or plain mom to anyone.

Some of us are blessed more than once and have had multiple moms along the way. I am so grateful for the ones I have. But I am especially grateful for my Mama. I gave her plenty of reason to give up on me more than once she never did.

She just found more love and forgiveness. We have had to mend fences along the way, but she has showered me with love and grace.

I am especially proud of my Mama because, she has learned the value of taking a stand when need be and not be a doormat. She is strong and able. She finds time for everyone she loves. She asks for nothing but love and grace back.

She has fed the hungry and been there to help. She is content in plenty and when there has been a lack of things needed. She truly lives on her faith in God and believing the best about others.

When she wants to bless you, she does not just say it with words. She shows you.

white petaled flowers

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She has been a caretaker for her husband whom she loves more each day. She loves who she loves and will not apologize for it. What is more no one should ever ask her to.

My Mama, she has had to fight for things but only out of love. She is sweet, caring, and nurturing.

My mama believes in having a plan taking her time and doing anything right the first time. She also believes in a learning curve too; I think that is where she learned grace the most.

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She and my dad adopted me in my teens, and I think their family and friends must have asked; are you crazy?

My Mama has been patient and kind that is just her nature. She loves her coffee and quiet time. Please let her have it. Without it she could lose to an unbelievably bad day. I wish I would have understood that more growing up but often I was selfish.

She is just the closest thing to perfect I have ever known. This includes even the times I was not happy and did not always have a kind word for her. She was still graceful and forgiving.

Perhaps the most graceful time I ever saw her was one moment a very lovely bride to my dad for almost 43 years to becoming a widow and figuring out her life from there.

She reinvented herself and carried on their shared business. She signed up for college and traveled all over. She helped teach English as a second language.

She has done different kinds of ministry with videoing and crafty type stuff. She has fed all kinds of people and prayed with many.

She met the next love of her life whom she already knew. They had been friends for years even with my dad.

Since then she has been on journey and not always joyful but full of faith. The two have them have made it for a long while now after being married.

It wonderful to see her tenacity and true to her vows when they married.

I think her walk has just made her that much more graceful and loving.

I love you Mama!

Thank for reading!

This has been a testament to my Mama by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Making Room This Is How I Roll

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Hi Family and Friends,

Thanks for joining me today. Yesterday I shared about family and my lamenting over what was and how that will never be the same.

This is like the third time I have been trying to plan to make a spot in my apartment to honor my dad in remembering him. I only plain got too tired yesterday, to even start the process after doctor appointments and a late supper.

Today instead of saying it will be completed I will commit to at least starting this process. This way I will not break any promises to myself or my readers.

For anyone who wants to knit pick in how long it takes me to complete things. I will say I do things in Mike Fashion, and that is okay today. I do not need anyone’s permission or approval.

I started going through fear after my writing yesterday. I was also being afraid when I was on my way to the doctors. I really want things a lot different from where they are.

Even with the one doctor, the expiration date for all of us on this earth came up as a topic. I am all over the place because so much is uncertain.

Let me steer us back to things about my dad and why I love the fact of honoring him. This also will also bring out things we loved as a family.

My Dad’s cooking and grilling were at the top. Mom and he loved picking out things for home made nachos and taco soup. My aunt fits in there also as well as one of my sisters.

On Sundays we loved breakfast for supper. Also, at times even though my mom might be under the weather would step in and make hot ham and cheese sandwiches. I know he would even do eggs occasionally.

As men we loved chili; my dad was one of the best at chili.

Grilling he even trusted me with some grilling like all the meats and he would do the fish himself. That was his expertise.

He did the smoker for hams and turkeys. While these were just general things, we all loved it still brought in that family time. We did not always have things this way. Many times, we could be short on supplies.

A ham bone in the freezer, beans, and cornbread were the whole weeks menu. We did a lot of praying.

I do not want to lament continuously over the past. My dad would not want that either. I want to remember the good times and honor my dad for the good he did.

The spicy hot food contest we would have. Usually one on one contests when it was serious game on. Eating a handful of peppers to see who could last the longest.

My mom and dad both, believed in helping people even in their own time of need. There are so many lessons we learned on both sides of that coin.

I am always purging more and making room, to keep the good stuff.

I guess I just see my own expiration date not real clear but knowing its there with in reach. I do not want to leave this world, with one word of good left unsaid.

I love my dad always and forever. This is how I roll.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

 

 

 

 

Remembering Family And Lamenting Over How It Was

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

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Hi Family and Friends!

I never know what its truly going to be about here in this blog entry until I start typing or pecking away as the case may be.

I mourn a lot about how things once were and how much I have taken for granted over the years.

I have talked about wanting a life plan and trying to take responsibility for my life today.

There is much more to write about why that is important to me today. I grieve over the past with my family and wishing I had treated them warmer and held them more closely than I did.

Nothing has driven the point home more clearly about how I have treated people than living through this pandemic and knowing I cannot be close to family and certain others.

A lot of that is due to how I have treated them and, in some cases, acted as if they did not exist. I really thought that at the time it was about me just hiding inside myself afraid to be present because I did not want to get knocked down

Like it or not, we did that a lot in our family with plain sarcasm or snide remarks. I played in that part. I wish to God I could take it all back and would have been more loving or only plain showed up!

I am lamenting some here over my family and what was and is no longer.

Its priceless when I get to text with my brother and mom. I love them both and their new lives.  I miss my brother’s family and I wish I could give my nephew that hug and share with him about the great things about our family.

The great things are we were all hard workers we grew a garden together. We never hired anyone to fix things we could do ourselves. Some things we just learned as we went.

We did family celebrations. We went to church together. Some where in there was love and I ran away from it many times. I wish I could take back the day when my sister tried to comfort me as we made the choice to let my dad just go peacefully.

I pushed her hand away not because I was rejecting her but because I was trying to ask a question. She never knew that. I never explained it.

I love them all more than anything, but I am not sure we could spend more than a day together at a time.

Just a quick note my dad was going to die no matter what and, in the end, he died on his own terms. I choose to see it that way.

I am writing and confessing this because, there are others out there and you want your family to take all the blame. At one time, before I made peace with my parents, I wanted them to take all the blame.

I will say this because of grace, humility, love, forgiveness, and peace that passes all understanding; I got to love my dad, and my dad got to love me before he died.

Because of this, I also get to love my mom and mom loves me today.

We have a big family there fore I will always have a long way to go in making those lifelong amends.

The other side of the coin for me is I did not know how to be family and I still do not know how. It is just one day at a time. For everything there is a season.

I was told long ago one day you are going to miss this and never get it back. I did not believe them. I wish I had.

I will close with this verse which is appropriate from the Holy Scriptures:

Ecclesiastes 3 English Standard Version (ESV)

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

There’s More Than Enough To Go Around

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Today I am writing from my heart from the weekend to present in reflection of my choices. 

There always begins a new theme as I reflect on my choices in this journey. I feel so deeply and find that I really want my passion for life to stay alive. I look at my friends and family. 

There’s so much to be grateful for and so much of life seems to be the push and pull at the same time.  

My one friend his words to me at the most horrifying and scariest moment of my life said… “It won’t always be this way.” I have had people say it since and you know what those words are to me now? Those are words of love and affirmation. 

The words are validation that I matter and everything eventually changes. 

When you’re on this journey there’s plenty of laughter, tears, and love. It’s letting go of the hatred. Holding on to love. 

Love comes in many different packages and it’s not always wrapped the way we think it should be. In accepting those gifts however, they may come gives us freedom and the person who gives, they get freedom as well. 

We get to reflect on memories and making new ones. We get a chance to roll with change no matter how scary and painful it may feel at times. 

Maybe for the first time I am recognizing I live alone; but I am never alone.  

Sometimes I am embarrassed for the way my life is and how it turned out. I get in self-pity. I am afraid to admit that sometimes because things just feel unfair. It really is a process. 

I told someone the other day, I realize I have rights but sometimes now I don’t always want to trump with my rights if it means giving up peace.  

Growing up, I always thought to that love was just peace, physical touch, hugs, and just reminding others with words. 

Today I know love is, a friend not letting you leave the house like a total slob. Love is sometimes being pushed out when it is so scary and you are begging them to please not make you go. 

Sometimes people have to move away and you are sad and you don’t want to watch them leave; but you stand there waving because they are the best gift that ever came into your life.  

You hit a midlife crisis thinking you can be a teenager and age finally sets in, and you realize you don’t want all the chaos. 

The afternoons or evening curled up with a book and a cup of coffee are the best times now. 

We let go of the negative things. We let go of the bad. It’s just a process and doesn’t happen overnight.  

We hold on to all the good and we pass it on. We walk each other home because finally we understand, there’s more than enough to go around.  

We try to not hurt ourselves or each other. We are not saints! We get a chance at freedom. Just for today. 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all everybody! 

Its Time To Heal To Make Progress

/ boxcarmike / 3 Comments

Hello My friends! I have had a lot to deal with emotionally and physically. Part of this journey has been the stumbling in and out of things and still keeping clean and sober. 

I deal with tremors in my hands at times. The most has been dealing with my feet and legs and resting and fighting the cold weather that zooms in and out of my state. 

Thankfully what we are finding is my tremors actually count as part of my pulse. Which means it’s been giving false reading, of like 113 beats per minute. 

I do let agitation run my blood pressure too at times. Thankfully with the steps it has lessened some. 

I am finally back at that point where I love me best when I am not trying to perform. I am doing some soul searching again.  

It’s all about giving up the parts of you that keep you sick and realizing some of those parts when they are given up to God, He has a plan for them.  

In my past and present both, I have hurt out of my hurt. I am asking for help each day that my behavior in that way, would be stopped. You see it’s up to me to stop the cycle of that hurt. That hurt keeps me sick and it spreads sickness like a wild fire. 

Forgiveness of others and myself is still the key to happiness.  

In my soul searching and letting go of things are some questions I have even had to ask myself tonight, in pondering it all. 

  1. Do I realize the gifts I was even given before to get me out of a place where I was sure to die alone and empty? 
  1. Do I realize that even when things were bad, all anybody wanted was the best for me, even in my hatefulness? 
  1. Do I realize how much God and man power it took to get me out of a really, really, bad place? 

I took a lot for granted. That’s the truth. Today I count my blessings now with this mini inventory of sorts.  

There seem to be no shortcuts in doing this deal. It’s all messy. The only way to heal is to walk through the mess and pick it up and throw it away.  The only way to do that is to own up to it and ask for forgiveness. You make your amends and go forward. 

If you can do this much maybe, just maybe, your whole tribe won’t be afflicted by yours and my own sickness. 

Part of the hell, in my thought is dying and not doing anything to change for the positive before you die. We must change and we must heal otherwise life is meaningless. 

My world has been turned upside down in my reflections. I have to be willing to do my part. 

We ask God to heal our land, to heal our loved ones, and anyone we may meet along the way. Isn’t it time for us to heal today? It’s time for me to heal and I am not sure what it looks like, except that I trust the process. 

Happy New Year and Happy February! I am thankful to have made it through January. Together we can! 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out! 

GodBless Y’all Everybody!  

Gratitude for Mirrors and Teachers of Ourselves

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Hello, on this second grateful day of November 2019. 

I really do want to stay on the topic of gratitude. There’s so much to learn about ourselves and others. Others are my teaches, as well as a mirror for me in many ways.  

I gathered with others around tables this morning and I am grateful I went. I realized I was alone in the hall for a few minutes, so I bowed my head and prayed. I knew I was feeling negative, just a tad. 

I went outside before the meeting started to get my nicotine fill in and said another prayer. 

We started the meeting and this guy behind me is my mirror. He mirrors the way I have behaved in other meetings. Why is this so annoying?  Because it is bothering me. I let him go on for 3 more times! I finally a note and pass it to him to please stop and tell him he’s being rude. 

I’ve definitely won his friendship now. Insert sarcasm anywhere. He responded just the way I would have; because it would have embarrassed me too. 

This man was a mirror of my behavior. We think it is no big deal, that we are having fun, and we are harmless. But we never know whose life we are messing with, if they don’t have the full benefit of the meeting. This is still life and death and it is a big deal. 

Today this man was my teacher and mirror. People have had patience with me. Perhaps again I will have the opportunity to show this man more patience and tolerance. Maybe, I will even show him love! 

Here’s another secret, we can’t change someone else’s behavior, only our own. I am grateful for the teacher and mirror today. 

Here are the questions I now have for myself:  

Is what I have that’s so clever to say, going to add strength to myself and others? 

Are my clever words going to help me work through the steps any better?  

Will joking around during serious discussions, hinder others or my own progress? 

Are my clever words even necessary? 

These few questions are like an inventory that in all likelihood that reveals my clever words are not so clever and are not needed.  

As long as I am honest, I can change my behavior and not be sore about it. It’s all part of the journey. 

  • I am grateful for changes. 
  • I am grateful for mirrors. 
  • I am grateful for teachers. 
  • I am grateful I have been shown patience and tolerance. 
  • I am grateful I now get the chance to show patience and tolerance. 
  • I am grateful for the journey of gratitude and getting to find new ways each day. 
  • I am grateful as friends we truly care about each other and we make a difference. 
  • I am grateful that the truth comes out today. 
  • I am grateful for the sacrifice’s others have made so that I will learn to sacrifice for others. 
  • I am grateful for learning more about a another’s journey. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Just When You Think It’s A Blah Day!

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I Some days are easier than others. There’s no rhyme or reason for what just is. Not every day is so super spiritual or feels so gratifying. It’s putting one foot in front of the other going through the motions. 

It does help to review a gratitude list and pray and ask for help. Especially if you have a few days of these type string together as I have had. Anger will pop up if we are not careful. 

I have found this to be true for me and not even know why. Sometimes, truthfully, I don’t care why or even want to trace my steps back to find out why. 

I am finding emotions popping up as I finish this this fourth step. Things are coming out in conversations I never intended to even explain to people.  

That really bothers me because I wanted to wait until I say everything at once with a closed mouth friend. I am finding out though, I am not even in charge of how things go.  

It so seems, when I asked God to help me, he took that request serious and I have no control of the outcomes.  

Everything is making me question whether we can really take credit for growth if God can even use our worse defects for his own plan. I’d have to say I can’t take any credit for any growth.  

I feel more annoyed with the lack of enthusiasm in this particular blog post entry. Oh well! I promised to be transparent with this journey. 

I stepped away for a few hours and now I am armed with more information about my day. I am grateful I woke up today and that I am sober. 

My heart hurts for others really having a bad time of it. I am learning I can pray and don’t have to stay sad. 

When friends go back out it can be hard maybe because of our own egos. I am not sure. 

But it’s like this: we didn’t get them sober and we can’t get them drunk. I have to believe God exists and Iam not Him. There’s something divine and mysterious both at work, when prayer happens. Let’s not forget Thy will not mine be done. 

I am not the judge of anyone. I can’t be. Life is hard and we have no idea what each other are going through. Let’s just handle each other with the loving care we have been show.  

Patience and tolerance are not my suit by nature but just for today may I show it just the same as I’ve been shown. 

  • Iam grateful for the loving God in my life today. 
  • Iam grateful because people have never given up on me (the real ones). 
  • I am grateful because Iam trusted to show love and tolerance even when I have failed miserably at it. 
  • I am grateful I can pause sometimes. 
  • I am grateful others are there when I need them most. 
  • Iam grateful grace has been there even when I had nothing but vulgar words to say and people don’t stop encouraging me. 
  • I am grateful some amends I make are more prompt than they used to be. 
  • I am grateful for the smiles and they aren’t fake ones today. 
  • I am grateful I can remind others they are important and matter to my sobriety today. 
  • I am grateful my day can change. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!