Love

A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Here We Go Again Another Round At The ER

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

He Y’all I am up late tonight behind the keyboard once more.

My heart is heavy and have some concerns as I must get up in the morning and head to the emergency room at the hospital. Today I got a call late from the wound clinic that the Nurse Practitioner wants me to go to the emergency room to have my feet checked out. They are not evidently and or going in the right direction of healing.

I have several good things on my side though. I have a praying Mama and Grandma. I also have several friends praying and most people I miss terribly. But I have never felt so cared for by so many people. I have a good friend willing to take me to the hospital.

I promised my Mama I could go back to sleep, and I am exhausted even though I did sleep all evening. I had my friendly helper fry up some hamburger and all I had to do was put it together with cheese, chips, sour cream, and guacamole for some simple nachos.

However, I had to stop and ask her to finish it because I got weak all the sudden. I should have sat down to do it in hindsight. I got about a 1/4 of it down and I am taking bites of some more of it as I write this entry. But once I ate, I knew I had to lay down and I am blaming most of it on not sleeping well the night before.

I had overslept and the nurse said she had come by to change my dressings. I never heard or call or knock on the door /ring the bell. Thankfully I woke up before a great panic set in to call my friend who has a key to my apartment and the whole thing start with calling my mom. I called the nurse, and she came back by 1:30pm.

When she started unwrapping my legs and feet, I had pain. There is a calloused part starting to look like it could open into a wound. This is not a good thing as I just got off the IV antibiotics through the PICC Line I had in my arm through my rehab and all.

Also, the night before I started throwing up. I had chalked it up to some food not agreeing with me. However, I also know this could have been a sign and I just thought of it now. So, one more thing I must tell the doctors in the morning.

The blood tests they did which is routine was some highs and some lows and I never can figure it all out, but I was doing better when I was on my protein shakes for sure.

I am trying to get all of this out of my head so I can stop worrying.

When I finally did call my Mama, I admitted I was afraid about even going to the hospital and did not want to go, but we both know I must. She prayed for the fear to go, and I prayed for her to have supernatural rest and that her husband be healed of his ailments and that God will heal my Mama in ways that He knows she needs to be healed.

My living room/office is clean and mostly decluttered. I will not get to enjoy it so much tomorrow. It makes me sad we got it clean for me just to leave for the hospital. At least it will be clean when I come home.

I am leaving between 9:30 and 10:00 am to head to the hospital. Now to make a list for in the morning of things I want to take including a list of my medications and all.

I am going to try to take a short walk. I want to enjoy the midnight air. So maybe just on this short sidewalk in front of my apartment. I will have my phone with me.

I will get back to sleep and wake in the morning. Oh, also I need to call my therapist so he knows everything going on and maybe I will talk to him just shortly before this whole ball starts rolling tomorrow.

I have some tears and it is okay as I do have a lot to cry over and a lot to be grateful for both. I guess my prayer is that Jesus takes the wheel and bring me back whole somehow. This is a hard walk. I wish I could hug everyone. I am sure you think I am just being dramatic, but it is scary, and I love every one of you. God Bless you and keep you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Out With it All Hospital Rehab and Moved

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Mark Plu00f6tz on Pexels.com

Howdy Everyone!

It has been a wild summer to say the least. It is one I would love a different do-over for.

It was early June in the wee hours of the morning I went to the hospital by ambulance. It was over 13 times of the ambulance being called to help me off the floor. I did not keep count. I finally relented and asked to be taken to the hospital.

The next day would be surgery on my wounds in the lower extremities of my limbs.

It is many medicines and a PICC Line of antibiotic and oral antibiotics. I did about 3 weeks of rehab in a nursing home, again nothing I want to relive.

I must keep getting stronger I do feel tired and weak, but I am determined! I will not be kept down. I am losing some weight finally. Cigarettes are the same as alcohol for me these days and right now I cannot seem to just say no.

After 3 weeks of rehab, I came home for a day or so and moved on Independence Day July 4th, 2021. Thanks first off to God a good friend who loves Yahweh and his friend. They are both totally sold out to Him.

There have been many helpers and people on the phone and internet to interact with and have encouraged me and I am grateful for that.

I am kicking Physical Therapy’s butt even if it feels like mine is being kicked instead. I have not had any falls since being home or falling out of bed.

In my first week of rehab, I felt it necessary to prove I could walk out to the patio and show off I did. I feel flat on my face and needed help getting up nothing damaged. Whew!

There have been traumatizing things along the way in my journey but being grateful for coming through is awesome!

My friend Jean and other neighbors are great. We share a small community group like and take care of each other. Jean has loaned me Cadillac which I renamed Jack the Cadillac, a rollator walker I use to do a lot of different things.

When I get tired I can sit on Jack or just out visiting on my own patio. I also want to mention a great blessing to get to know Bobby in the nursing home.

Because of him my friends Mike and Connie were there and found me there. They and along with others helped keep my sanity when cigarettes just could not do it all.

One of the best things happened during the biggest process of my move was Wren Jean’s husband Barbecued for us all on the 4th of July.  What a blessing!

I have my best buddy for years who never missed a move in my 18-20 years of knowing him who checks on me a lot and tells me the truth even when I may not care to hear it.

My recovery is rocking even when I am fatigued and feeling negative. God is with me each step of the way. I just have to keep on keeping on.

Kassi, I do not know what I would do without you, your clan, and the girls who have all checked on me like Joyce, Marie, Suzy, and others.

Well, I have to get ready another day of kicking Physical Therapy’s butt!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry for Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Let It Go, Don’t Shoot The Wounded

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Anthony on Pexels.com

Good Afternoon Everyone!

The past week has been working through things one day at a time.

A week or so ago, I left off with grace being my word for the year. Grace is a real need in my life and important for me to give grace to others. I have been one to always build these monumental images up in my head of how bad a situation can be. In other words, I must look at the fact that some situations just are not that bad.

When things are overwhelming, I seem to lose focus and have a distorted view of reality. Yes, I am saying sometimes my troubles are of my own making whether that is intentional or not. In many ways I can say, “What a relief… it is just my own head.”  I can take a deep breath and say a prayer to pause and ground myself for a moment.

Sometimes the mountain in my life is just tackling the stacks of papers on my desk. I have been grieving over so many I have known over the years just dying in big groups anymore, or so it seems. I have found I have no more words for those dying and I have finally resigned from taking their inventory or fault finding. I am no longer qualified to judge anyone, and the truth is I never was qualified to do so.

It is only in grace that I can even begin to start loving myself, believing the best and seeing the best in others. By grace I can breathe in and out. By grace I can finally admit that the war I have been fighting has been the war of self. I want better for myself.

I have friends who have yelled in a hushed whisper “Mike! Mike! Michael! Let it go!” I never wanted to let go of anything I thought was my cause.  No matter which group of friends I found next, they would all have the same chant. Was there a group all these same friends signed up for after they got to know me? Perhaps so.

In short, I have learned to let go and realize my dog is not in that fight. I still sometimes slip up and fall backwards. The great thing is it does get less and less.

Today most of my friends both present and those whom maybe we do not have a chance to talk, are some of my greatest heroes. I even count my family who I do not get to see, are my superheroes as well. Every single human has fought wars which we may know nothing about.

They say do not shoot the wounded. I was reading that the other day and there was another line after it. You might be the wounded next time. Oh man, it tugged at my heart because that is exactly what I was doing a lot of times. I do not want to be so selfish. Today I want my tribe and myself to be cheerleaders for each other. I believe most of us are exactly that. I am one of my mama’s biggest fans even and I try to show her that same love and care she has for me all these many years. I do not even come close to it in my own mind; however, it does not take much in the fact of my own energy as it takes grace for me to even do it.

Because of grace my mom and I have forgiveness for each other’s mistakes in the past present and future. Love covers a multitude of sins. I have read that before, and I believe it. I wish to walk with everyone I am with along this journey in that same way.

If you are reading this and thinking hogwash, do not give up on me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Sometime Alleluia, Sometimes Praise The Lord, Sometimes …

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Ithalu Dominguez on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

The title of this blog entry will be understood before the end.

I have done much grieving in the past year over friends and family dying. Covid has not taken them all two had cancer, one had heart complications, another is getting ready to leave this world with a clot in her lung.

I have done some grieving in the past two months over my own inabilities. A loss of freedom in ways I have had to think about how to get up and sit down especially when no one is around. How to make my way to the bathroom and kitchen is a big deal.

I deal with a lot of death dreams and they frighten me. Death makes me surrender to the fact I am mortal, and death will happen one day.

However, I can attest to finally having one death dream where I visited with my dad. He and I were picking and joking with one another. My Uncle was there, and he asked me about what he needed to do to take care of his legs as he sat on a couch. My dad and I on a staircase still joking around.

Oh, how I hugged my dad and did not want to let go. It has been almost16 years since he passed away. I miss him every day. But I had a peace after this dream that made me smile and I was happy for the good time in my dream with my dad.

I also realized my uncles’ question was for me; what was I going to do to care for my legs?

It is time to heal. I am a broken mess inside with more grief to spare.

What was I going to do? This means that it is not my time to go anytime soon. I needed to prepare for living.

Sunday morning, I was filled with physical pain and grief. Less than 24 hours ago I had learned great friend I once had, passed away. My heart hurt for him and many of us who loved him. Without my friend I would not have met so many friends along the way. I would never have jumped on an airplane. You do not get to just pull over to the side of the road in an airplane!

I attempted to make a good breakfast in pain and grief, and it did not pan out well literally! I ate it anyway and went back to bed.

I started worrying about if transportation was going to send me a car or van for my eye doctors appointment coming up this week. I eventually drifted off to sleep.

The Beginning of The Story!

I awoke at 5:30 pm completely famished. I heated up some more of the failed breakfast and realized I did not think about it. I just walked to the kitchen leaving my cane in the bedroom.

I am still in some pain and do not know if this will continue with me being able to walk from room to room with out having to plan my every move.

As I headed back to my bedroom with my portion of breakfast from this morning, I sat down on the bed and said, thank you God.

I had burst into tears while trying to take that first bite and admitted to God I was a mess. I thanked him over and over. Chuck Girard was singing on Alexa and something about no longer a sinner but one who when falls runs to God.

I need to back up here because oh in the wee hours I was watching The Resurrection of Gavin Stone on Netflix, it is a pg. movie. I was boohooing at the turn around in this actor playing an actor whose life was totally turned around.

Now back to Chuck Girard of course I finally see a text from my momma asking how I was. I decided to call her in the last 10 min window of time she might be able to answer. Instead, I am needing to leave a voicemail with my halfway crying and how good God was I had got up walked without thinking about it. I am doing good some pain but nothing like past several weeks or two months.

Oh, how I love my mama so much. I guess I told her I had her permission to write a part of her own story in mine, rather than asking for permission. Old habits die hard.

She said it will be interesting to read y’all. As Alexa played on the song came from my youth, my mama would sing lots of times. My mama would try to deal with strife among eight children by singing at times! She was not going to hear complaining or pay attention to “why do I have to wash the dishes this time, I did it last time.”

So, she would often be heard singing: “Sometimes Alleluia, Sometimes Praise the Lord, sometimes gently singing our hearts in one accord.” You did not want to force my Mama out of her singing otherwise she would start singing I am not listening, and that was the final warning.

Oh, and she and my dad would play Chuck Girard tapes in our van. However, tick my dad off and you might hear him yelling for a bit but here is how that played out a great deal of the time.

Again, my mama would start singing when you could hear a pin drop in that van. Often it led to my dad joining in with her and before you knew it the whole van was singing or humming.

It was the hard times in that van God used to touch one or all of us no matter what we were going through. I spent many silent tears in the back of that van praying neither of my parents would yell out a question to me.

I never wanted them to worry about me falling apart or having to explain what was really going on inside my head. It was only recently I heard my mama admit to me she worries. I am so blind.

She probably worried every time I went out the door, I just thought she never noticed. That is also my reasoning in trying to get away with a lot of things.

I loved coming home from school on the days she sang and baked. The candle would be lit in the entryway Everything was mopped and she had cookies or bread in the oven. There was peace in our house in the midst, as she had struggled some days to get three little ones down for a nap.

You see its in this time I can see how my relationship to God is as with my family and parents. I cry happy tears over this fact that they gave grace a lot. There are more happy times to remember.

I know my mama, friends, my tribe, and they are all really family, do not know what to do with me a lot of the time.

I am finally ready to take the new change in my journey. By the way as far as me walking better I do not know if it will last or if its going to keep getting better.

I am so loved, and I love you all so much. Today I want to hang on to the good stuff. I miss my friends and family that have passed away. I miss the good times. I miss those I have not been able to see or talk to in a while.

As of this moment my new word for the year is “Grace.” I am going to learn it, accept it, and give it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Love You, I Love me, Let’s Walk Together

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

I am thankful I am at home getting to write to you all today. Yesterday, I was not sure if I would get to be at home as I was and I am dealing with real physical issues. I sat in an exam room for couple of hours or more waiting on kidney test results from blood work and conversations to take place.

The blood work came back great. However, I am swollen from below my chest down to my feet. For five days I will be on 80 mg of Lasix and drinking normal amount of water. A lot of other tests and seeing my primary tomorrow. I hope to get to come home tomorrow.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Every time I go through something I start to wonder if this is what the end looks like for me. The truth is I do not think so. It is all about learning new adjustments.

I told a nurse I loved her and meant it. I wanted to say different to be cute. I really do not like being emotional because then I am vulnerable. If I am vulnerable, I must consider everything I am saying and truly reflect on my reality and what I truly feel.

Over the weekend I took some direction and attended two Zoom meetings. Certain ones have been on me for a while to do this. It has taken the better part of a year, but I did it. I felt at home and something awakened inside me again. I even said I love myself.

I have not been able to say that for years. Part of me wonders if my body went into shock over me saying I love me and meaning it. I really do love me and can still say so, so far.

I took a long break. I attended my third zoom meeting with the same bunch of people and stayed for the meeting after the meeting.

Before I attended the meeting tonight, I was freaking out about possibilities and outcomes for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.         I called three people and avoided calling two people because I did not want them to worry. All three people called me back and one came over.

I was hugged in the 2 phone calls or at least felt so. The one who came over gave me a hug and helped me reinforce a bandage as well. That is when I headed straight to my zoom meeting.

I know I am loved by lots of people.

In my meeting, I listened to two speakers share their experience, strength, and hope.

After the meeting is where I hear the camaraderie and even experience it a bit. At the urging of all people present, I got two guys’ phone numbers to call for my fear tomorrow and just to let them know what is going on.

I have a journey to keep on trudging through. I have a responsibility to myself and others. I want to share what really becomes experience, strength, and hope.

I must remember there is so much to be grateful for.

Thank you for taking this walk with me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Have Been Running Trying To Free Myself

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Ruslan Zzaebok on Pexels.com

Good Morning Everyone!

I find I take a lot for granted until time and resources are lost. I want to make the most out of every opportunity going forward.

My days have been filled with empty promises. I do not want to live that way any longer. I deserve better from myself. Those around me deserve better as well. My promises from now on need to be no promises. I just need to do the best I can for each twenty-four hours and accept it as such.

The other day I took a new picture of myself. For the first time in a long time I saw the gleam back in my eyes. The hazel colored eyes that are mine. The softness of my skin. The less weary rough and rugged face.

The hair that lays so nicely atop my head, along with a genuine smile.

I am not so sure I am writing this all so correct. But I see in me the writer that is passionate about who he is, what he has seen, where he has been, and all he hopes to be. I saw all that wrapped in love and grace.

I do not deserve grace that is for sure as none of us really do. It is unmerited favor. It is one of the greatest gifts freely offered.

My feet are rough and sore. They have holes in the skin.

My legs are weak and hurt so bad some days.

I was trying to run on these limbs not even realizing it.

I see hope in me again.

I want to paint a picture now of the days and nights, before finding me.

You see I had lost hope or thought I had.

The nights were filled with horrible images and a darkness shadowed. My nights were not so sweet. I was crying and afraid. I screamed!

I am not sure I even knew how to pray anymore. I honestly thought as many a time before, this was the end of my life. I cried out for my mom. I always cry out for her when I feel I am in trouble. She could not save me.

I felt as though my heart and gut were being ripped from me. I froze.

There was nothing I could do but see a door shutting down on me. I was being force and locked into the ground and I could not make a sound.

This was true fear as it gripped my life. I must get up and walk for this is not a game. This is for keeps. I will not play this round again.

The days are plagued with images from the night and it is all about this rock.

This lady, this man, another man, another lady, my mom, this group of people, are all shouting at me to drop this rock! Unbury yourself! You are not dead! Come out among the living and be free!

Oh, this rock, has been the problem the whole time! The rock holds the garage door I tried to hold up for my family. It holds the tears and fears. The trauma of my childhood[MR1] . and all the things I have done in word thought, and deed.

I am tired of tripping over this rock and letting it bury me. I picked it up to run with it so I do not trip over it.

Oh Mama! it hurts so bad! Please make it stop!

My friend Kay (not her real name) says: “Honey she did not create it, she did not cause it, and your mama cannot cure it. Drop the rock!”

I am trying! I want to be free! Kay says again, “Drop the rock! No one can do it for you. Only you, can drop it.”

I am ready with sobbing that floods all around me. Still, it is not enough until I drop the rock.

Thanks for reading!

Authors Note: The conversation with Kay only happened in my head. But she has said so many words similar. Let us make it clear I love my Mama and I love Kay my dearest friend forever. Both are incredibly special people.

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Jan Kroon on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!