Love

2022 We Have Less Than Three Days

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Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Hey, Y’all!

Today is a drastic change in my weather, from a week ago. We are reaching close to 60° Fahrenheit. There is some light rain. Where last week we were having freezing temperatures with ice and snow. It is nice to have better weather.

I am taking time to listen to worship music even with my caregiver here and a lit candle glowing. It is freeing to just have time in my head and heart while disconnected from my caregiver. It is allowing me my prayer and meditation time even as I write.

I fall so short of my own beliefs many times but no matter, I need my prayer and meditation time. I am also doing my lymphedema pumps on my legs and feet. You can say I am multitasking.

What is upon my heart to share is the fact we have less than 3 days of 2022. My One-Word for 2022 was the word, seek. I have sought through a lot this past year. I continually seek better ways than what I have done in the past. It is in the middle of the quietness I usually get my answers.

I am grateful for the changes in me and many more to come.

I feel an urgency to make these last 3 days count more than any of the 360-plus days before them. There has been a new normal I have been trying for more so in the past nine months. I am feeling my way through while on this path.

There is a saying I strive to live out. “To Thine own self be true.” I seek my own heart to see if it holds God as I understand Him, The Word He has for me. However, I am not perfect and fail daily in some way. But God is all I can say.

My spirit is just being washed in this music as I say my prayer quietly and still. It feels like rain in my soul. For Once, it is not bitter-sweet tears just fresh clean. I smell the scents of nature all around me.

I think about God making everything new. He is making things new for me. My very first One-Word ever was, “Renew.” There have been several words in the past several years. I mention these words because everything is being made like new. I am seeking with my heart and soul. I am excited about the new year.

My prayers are for us all to have our eyes open. I am praying for chains to be broken. I am praying we all experience grace so that we might pass it on to others.

I am grateful for the grace given to me by others; I hope to pass it on.

I am grateful for having closed-mouth friends and being a closed-mouth friend as well.

I do not know all the plans just that I want to be consistent and possess consistency in my life.

May we live out everything we wanted in 2022 in these last three days.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

My One Word For 2023 Is Consistency

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Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is cold here in Southeast, Missouri at 29°. It is feeling like winter for sure. Christmas weekend is predicted to be cold. I do not feel ready for that kind of wintry weather. However, ready, or not I am certain sooner rather than later Winter will make its presence known.

This weekend I am being productive in getting my carpets cleaned. I started getting a schedule started for 2023 on my calendars, so I do not feel rushed at the beginning of the new year to put everything in the calendars.

It is a clever idea to have a plan together to arrange transportation when needed. It also helps me to understand my schedule so I can give a fair answer to others wanting to schedule me into their plans. It is mostly dealing with the professionals of doctors and visits from health care workers. It also allows me the freedom to schedule time for myself.

I want to do whatever I can to create less stress for myself. It helps me not become angry and ready to scream. I need to be able to do things at my speed and not just be pushed. Pushing myself is better than someone else doing it for me. I do admit sometimes it is important that I reevaluate my speed.

I am striving for less stress and tension and reminding myself it is not the end of the world if my plans do not pan out.

I am just now continuing this blog post entry, this Wednesday Morning with my fresh hot cup of coffee. I began this entry a few days ago.

I talk big for plans most of the time but bringing everything to fruition is a whole other ball game.

I believe the key thing for me is to have smaller goals and to be consistent with the steps to completing those goals in 2023.

What I am discovering and have discovered over and over is being consistent with a smaller list of goals brings better results than doing a larger list never gets completed. There is so much I am behind on, and I want to do better overall rather than just do enough to scrape by.

In the men’s group, I attend we talked about the fact of trying a process once or twice and failing.

The reasons for falling back are not working through the process and our destructive thoughts.

The first thing in many instances is that we do not know the process until we have fully worked through the process. Our destructive thoughts include worrying, timidity, and thinking we are not good enough. We give up before we ever succeed.

When we freeze up, our destructive actions come into play indecisiveness and procrastination.

Committing to the process and giving everything, we have is what is going to get us to grow and succeed.

I am ready for a change to stick to and to keep growing. I do not want to keep falling back and keep starting over.

One of the most freeing things said that jumped out to me from my latest meeting: “What may be a part of my story is not who I am today!”

I am not giving up today!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

What Is It Costing Me To Not Change?

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My Baked Ziti December 10th, 2022

Hey, Y’all!

I was baking this afternoon into the early evening making my Baked Ziti. I have the spices, meat, and sauce down okay. I still need more practice before I have this recipe down.

As I boiled the noodles, I thought about how each ingredient goes in the recipe to produce a great taste. It did turn out good; it just was not that makes you want to slap your mama taste!

As I was mixing the ingredients I was thinking about each task, person, belief, routine, quality, trait, and gift that makes up our life.

I am having to do a reset even as I write this post. Today has been a total stop-and-reset day so I can write. It takes that meditation time and getting in my zone with God, Whom I have avoided concerning my me time. Dealing with my behavior and thoughts by myself in my choices.

I cannot even pray without getting in the meditation time. Here lately, it has been doing the autopilot self-will run riot just briefly pausing at times and other times not so much. My greatest accomplishment is making the daily check-ins with one person for all five working days I do believe.

I did do check-ins with two other guys for as much as I could with time, or if I were not falling asleep at the wheel you know.

The thing is, I can call upon God for others usually without a problem. However, doing my daily check-in with God has been far away. Thus, here I am resetting.

What does it cost me not to change?

It has cost me my deep meaningful time with God. It has cost me using the right judgment in situations that may have hurt other people and myself by making a stupid mistake in just joking.

It cost me not to state boundaries clearly. I have given others the free pass by saying people will be people. The cost of boundaries crossed is resentment and seething. Yes, this is getting the honesty out because it makes you want to scream!

Everything is happening so fast and in slow motion at the same time and I am saying to myself (did you see what that so and so did, and you did nothing!), oh heck, no! Son of a biscuit eater!

The hardest part is in not forgiving myself and burying one more thing as I seethe.

As it comes up and is pointed out by others then I end up screaming because what am I supposed to do now? It costs a person their sanity and peace of mind.

Change is of utmost importance; it is the path of my growth journey. We can stop raising our red flags to get smacked with some of the stuff that happens to us if we put down our pride and get real.

I want to do the passive role and not make waves. Instead, I make jokes, use sarcasm, and do anything to deflect from the reality of hurt.

This is not to say that I have not grown, I have. It is another growing pain. It is a bump in the road along my journey, which has distracted me.

It takes a reset to call out things for yourself. It costs a high price until you are willing to face reality.

You cannot lay down anything you do not acknowledge; you just bury it until it gets dealt with. You may think you have control just make sure you are not in self-destruct mode.

My journey constantly involves taking a personal inventory of how I interact with life. I hope to make clear boundaries and be mindful when they are crossed. In turn, I can communicate assertively when or if someone has crossed a boundary.

When the first thirty years of your life have been nomadic, you tend to not have clear lines where things start and end. I have never stayed on the same property for longer than five years. I have stayed where I live presently for six and a half years. Because of an absolute must, I have changed apartments, but it is on the same property.

It is five days later as I wrap up this blog post entry.

I am blessed and have much to be thankful for and always room for more growth.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Dude, Where Is Your Peaceful Joy?

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Let the dominoes lay where they fall! I will pick them up one at a time. I cannot get them all at once because that is taking on too much. I can only deal with one thing at a time. Since it is only one, it means getting my peace and joy back.

I have the door open for fresh air and my worship music going to help me combat the insanity taking place outside my door as I write. I pray silently inside.

I have not written since Thursday of last week followed by two different snowfalls of insignificant amounts that were unexpected. I keep letting things interrupt me. I am bothered by not being back one hundred percent since my stay in the hospital.

Here I am, two or three weeks later. I have my coffee at almost 10 am, with a breakfast of scrambled eggs, butter, and red plum jam toast. I am running way behind. This breakfast tastes good.

I am still healing and will share more positive notes on that soon.

This week is bittersweet as I have my private way of saying goodbye to a friend who left this world and mixed it with the Holiday of Thanksgiving. I have so much gratitude in my heart for this friend of mine, Millie. She and I shared many meals and watched ballgames together.

Millie was always thankful and lived a life that way as she was proud of and loved her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

It saddens my heart she is gone but grateful she made the world a better place for anyone alone.

Finally, here we are back at the question that started this entry. Dude, where is your peaceful joy?

I get off track and 30let 03other things blind me. Anger hurts, and I lose touch with myself. I must keep current and when I fail my routine, I lose that peaceful joy.

Today I am hearing the music once more, as it plays in the background, and it is bringing me peace.

I must keep grounded and do my absolute best at staying in my twenty-four hours. It is in doing the next right remembering to have and living out my life in thankfulness for the gift of each day.

It is a gift to be able to live today and not fall apart and be inconsolable. I never understood how selfish that can be when others need more from me.

Grieving is a tricky thing that can keep you on a slippery slope that just can keep you trapped. I have been wrapped up in myself enough. It comes down to priorities and keeping up with a plan that keeps me more balanced.

I am ready to do better for myself and still allow time for me to heal fully.

I cannot afford the time for anxiety. If only, taking the suggestions offered adds something to the life I want to live and the person I grow to be.

It is time to get up and act for the day.

Find your gratitude today and live it out.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Catching Up In The Spirit Of Writing

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The Bluffs I never tire from seeing them.

Hey, Y’all!

I am still recovering, and it is all looking good in comparison to where everything was. The appointments get overwhelming after a while.

I keep breaking promises to myself and others regarding my writing. I wanted to do my laundry, but my body gave out just gathering it up. I decided to let someone help me and take over the laundry today and instead I would catch up with writing.

I am playing some soft worship music as I write, and it is helping me be at peace and I feel more peaceful with everything around me.

Spiritually I feel like I am at a tug of war with life. Emotionally I have been anxious and experiencing panic attacks which have made me crazy.

Change stays constant, at least around me it is always changing.

I am doing my best to keep up with my Mama she is in my eyes so sweet, tender, strong, and fragile, all at the same time. I am finding it is no picnic for anyone but if you do what you do with love it becomes a joy in the labor of love. It brings peace and rests even as it takes a toll on the body.

My heart is heavy because inside I see the broken mess that I seem to hold on to while letting go and picking up the pieces seems so hard to do. It is how we gain strength or so, that I am beginning to believe.

I am stronger than I once was, and I will gain more strength as I grow

I pay my bills today and I am doing all I can to help myself. Everything gets more expensive, and it takes all I can to get through each month. But when things are paid, I can rest easy.

As people we always want more but learning to live within your means when things are stretched makes sleep easier.

I am sitting here in my living room/office area with the door open and the window raised with the sun shining bright in the 70s temperature-wise. It is so beautiful outside. This is priceless weather and a beautiful setting.

I enjoy having this time to myself to write and just be at peace.

I have whined a lot inside myself about feeling abandoned at times, but people are still there loving me for me. When you can say all this to yourself honestly, you have love and gratitude.

  1. I am grateful for the love and gratitude I feel in my heart and soul.
  2. I am grateful for God and His love for me.
  3. I am grateful for peace and joy.
  4. I am grateful for two gentlemen I met while waiting for a ride home from an appointment. One guy was named John, he gave me Hall’s cough drop and told me of his belief. Another man named Joe needed my help and had a rough life like I once lived. I told Him he was loved, and I loved him as my brother. I gave him what he said he needed, and he was incredibly grateful he smiled wide. It did my heart good. (A merry heart does good like medicine).
  5. I am grateful for everyone who has helped me and given me help.
  6. I am grateful for those who care for me by talking to me, transporting me, physically caring for me, and medically tending to my needs. Those who help me so much emotionally and with laughter and tears.
  7. I am grateful my life is full of so much more than tears and fears.
  8. I am grateful for the ability to choose calm.
  9. I am grateful for pauses and reminders along the way in my journey.
  10. I am grateful to be hopeful.

While my life is not constantly in a state of peace it is good to know peace today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

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I am Starting With Thankfulness With Another Self-Talk

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
The Bluffs 2016

Hey, Y’all!

I am here and ready to share my thankfulness and another conversation in my head.

  1. I am thankful for early morning calls.
  2. I am thankful for the moments of silence and prayer with my coffee.
  3. I am thankful for the challenges to help me see when things can go right. Going right does not mean it always goes my way. Going right means it is good and often it is way better than my plans.
  4. I am thankful when I feel like crap, I can choose to make it better by choosing to be more positive. It takes just doing one thing at a time and remembering to encourage others!
  5. I am thankful my alone time is more solitude and a chance to claim sanity.
  6. I am thankful I am not the same person as six months ago.
  7. I am thankful for not having to wrestle with my honesty and sanity like I once did.

Today, I can see more choices set before me. I am thankful I get to participate in my own life instead of waiting for things to happen. There are things and people that are important to me. I am important to me today.

I can care for those close to me and listen to others. I pass on to others what I have. I get up when I fall. I know when to ask for help more so than I used to. I can follow directions. Sometimes in life, we must back and reread the directions.

I am thankful for the people in my life not giving up on me.

I am thankful for my recovery and spirituality. When a day comes along and not always feeling it, I can take a longer pause, say a prayer, and change my view.

You are going to do better because you want better. You are better.

You finally dropped the rock to grab the life preserver. You are well into the continuous journey of making wrongs right. You are having regular conscious contact with God seeking through meditation. You are going through and admitting when you are wrong more quickly and seeking to make things right where wrong has taken place.

You pass on your experience, strength, and hope and do your best to not claim anything you do not have. You have more clarity as the journey contuses.

You have hope today that you have never had before. It is never just enough because we learn until our last breath. We learn as we change. We change as we take necessary action.

The strength and bonds you have with people are much stronger. You hold life closer and try to not take for granted the time we have left on this earth.

Failure is never final if we get up. Our past does not have to dictate the future.

Hold on to thankfulness, hope, peace, and love. One more day of packing into the stream of life and not just taking from it.

This is how we live.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Are We Not The Deceiver Of Ourselves?

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Kateryna Babaieva on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

First off, Happy September!

Second Happy Monday! and Happy Labor Day!

Here we are for another look in the mirror. It is all that time and space filled with trips in our brains filled with memories of fun, happiness, joy, sadness, anger, grief, hope, gratitude, and peace.

Our dreams and nightmares have it all wrapped up inside us. How we respond and live each day is in direct proportion to what we hold on to. We hold on to stuff because we either have not found a way to make thing things right or we have not made peace with it. In other words, we have not cleared our side of the street.

Are you interested in what started this ball of regret, cluttered, and dysfunctional life of living hell started? Are you ready for the truth? It has taken me 50-plus years to produce the same answer told to me many years ago.

It started with a lie! The lies that others told me and the lies I believed are some of the same ones I told because I thought they were the truth. I was not so good at making up my lies I had to practice those lies. I had to lie to myself hoping, I could believe my lies so that others would believe them too!

No matter how small a lie is it can take you to some dark places. What woke me up to this was a nightmare I had last week. I was never so scared and grateful to wake up from it. I woke up to the ringing of the phone. Thank heavens, quite literally! I was in Hell.

For some backstories, I have gotten lazy in my writing. This is usually a clear indication I am lazy in self-care. This means even prayer and meditation are suffering. This also means there is a ticking bomb inside me ready to go off if someone I allow lights the fuse.

A friend called and we were going to go through a study together. I leaped out of that bed to do exactly that. In another time and place, I probably either slept through the phone or woke up staring at it and telling it to shut up. I even said to my friend I have never been so grateful for a phone call.

Here we are! I write a letter once telling a lie, I was not going to mail it but still, it had that lie. The letter was found in a trash can by someone else, who then confronted me with the letter. I then quickly lied, by saying I lied about something else so I could escape this situation I found myself in.

I then tried to tell myself none of this was happening. One, being confronted by someone with a letter of lies, two that what had happened in the past, did not happen since I just made the new lie up. How do I keep up with this lying?

There was so much wasted energy wasted time, and then burning bridges on fire at present! It did not stop there!

Love and romance were for me, or so I thought. I just wanted to be a normal cool guy. Heartbroken by number one and soon number two, she was a genie in a bottle who held the bottle of Jack Daniels and a joint. Nothing was going to stop me now.

She lied to me! Why would she lie? She messed up everything. I let her because I lied to her too! I did not see all that was coming. Why would a Genie lie to me? In a smashed-up Mustang convertible, she and I lied but we had been hit by a drunk driver. I escaped with my life with barely a scratch. She escaped too with a broken arm or leg but with her life.

I watched as the officer poured out our Jack Daniels. The true love of my life was being poured out on the ground, and I am underage! Lies full of lies!

The Love Train was a train wreck! Miraculously, we were not charged with public intoxication, and she did not get a DUI! Her web of lies my web of lies it all kept working till she and I both destroyed me in my family’s church, and it was trying to destroy my family.

I can tell this story because it is my story.

Not once had I laid a hand on her, not once had I talked to her like trash or threaten her but a whole church believed her. Yet, I had no idea this was even being said. I was oblivious to it. I let her lie.

That is just the beginning, with some middle parts of the story of lies in my life that I created or believed.

Now, all this has me singing in my head, George Strait’s song, “I Let Her Lie.”

We all believe what we want to believe in the end. Who and what are you going to believe in your own life today?

I do not know about you. I am seeing some solid foundation, finally.

It is time for some more coffee, scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Reflection, Mourning, Celebrating, And Letting Go of Selfishness

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Photo By: Boxcar Mike I use these reminders

HeyY’all!

I have much love and appreciation as of today the 500 plus likes of Boxcar Mike. I am grateful for this platform.

I am gonna get right into it. I have had a few moments of melancholy and that homesick feeling of wanting yesteryear back. You see, every year right before celebrating my birthday, I have cause to reflect on the year and many years now, before it.

I have 56 years to look back on. Some of those years were harder than others. All of them meant some kind of change was going on.

I want the times with my brother back. I want all the good times with my mama and dad back. I want the good times of more recent years of my mama back. No one sang that country song “You’re Gonna Miss This,”  to me way back then. I took so much for granted.

Oh to have my dad alive, healthy, and well. But if I ever wanted that wish so selfishly well my Mama wouldn’t have the man she does today, who she loves and he loves her. It is not that my dad didn’t love her, or that she didn’t love him, it is more life moved on.

Sometimes our selfish wants to step all over our loved ones. So we learn to love and accept life on life’s terms. Some of those terms mean they get to have a life they couldn’t have otherwise. For there is a season for everything under Heaven.

As for my brother, well he’s alive and well living the closest to a wonderful life as he can. He is with a wonderful wife with whom I just skip in law with and call my sister! They have one handsome son, all grown up now and couldn’t be prouder of as I am also.! Ladies, he’s off the market last I heard. He’s now living the awesome dream he wants as well, all out on his own.

I could go on with all my siblings, aunts, uncles, etc Even Grandma and Grandpa. But do you not know my selfish perfect world if granted, would put an end to their close to perfect worlds, that they get to live in and or finally rest in peace. I love my whole family! I never want to invade or try to trump their way of life with my selfishness.

I did choose to live an hour or more away. I knew it might be hard and some days are harder than others. Especially when you want to help or change things. But the reality is there is no more I could do if there than me here. I would be in the way and selfishly stomping all over what God is doing.

I screw up enough in my own life. I am not perfect! Some days you just cry because well, in the past you see where you made it hard for people to love you. But you do not get to wish their lives away for your selfish dreams. Sometimes I wake up and bust out laughing about a dream or a memory that was funny. This sometimes happens, In the wee hours of the morning.

I have been through many changes, hardships, scares, and looking like I could not come out of the woods, this year alone!

There are probably a good 35 years I want back, Right now, I am just trying to make up for the last ten years. They tell me “Mike buddy, all you got is today.” It is back to simplicity. One day, one heartbeat at a time. That is all we have. I just want another hug, another I love you!

May we all be around for the next entry of Boxcar Mike.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All  Everybody!

A Way Out Through Writing To Myself

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I wanted to update you about the coming soon pages to my blog. I have been lazy as far as those are concerned.

The thing is, this post turned out the way it did. It just is.

Today I am sharing a letter to my younger self. He has been waiting for freedom, and now he is finally free.

To give you the background in my lifetime I have two first names, so I am combing them for the younger guy.

I want to talk to this guy right here!

me at about 15

Jeffrey Michael,

The monsters are gone, and they cannot hurt you anymore. I did not know how to protect you. I tried my best and asked God to rescue you. Through it all, I believe God was there.

You made adult choices between 11 years old to 15 years old and probably even farther. You lived in so many worlds not being satisfied with where you were. You did just want to survive.

My little man, you could not run your life. Your answer to everything was running away.

You got your first-weekend job at 12 years old and had your first drink on the job. This was both comical and sad. You needed all kinds of help. You woke up the next morning forced to do a mile run puking your guts up swearing you’d never do it again.

It was too late you were ready for the next buzz as soon as stuff hit the fan.

You were born into a world of sickness, disease, addiction, and full of dark secrets. You were unwanted on many levels. You carried it with you throughout your life.

There were people assigned to help you along the way that did not always have your best interest in mind.

However, there were people along the way such as clergy, your new parents, and other people, who did and do have your best interest at heart. But you undermined them all to try to get your way.

In the end, regardless of it being your survival tool it only served in self-defeat and was designed only to end your life.

God had to have carried you. That is the only answer to over 20 years of rebellion, addiction, alcoholism, being suicidal, and hospitalizations before you got help. Some people pointed the way, but you could not see your way through.

I am telling you now in the past 9 months you have finally come to terms with some of the things that had you so locked up inside yourself.

Seeds were planted and you were planted right here.

You are finally getting to bloom and accept the life changes. Finally, you are picking up the pieces of your wreckage. You have lots of life left in you. I am not going to let you waste it.

I am ready to surrender you to God to be able to self-parent you with His guidance. They are in the steps of this program which came from God’s word originally.

  1. My life was and is a mess anytime I try to excuse my behaviors.
  2. I had to come to believe I couldn’t be God and had to decide He either was or is not. He Is.
  3. I had to offer myself up and ask for help in turning my life over to God. I can not be running the show.
  4. Had to find my moral compass making a searching and fearless moral inventory. A total self-examination.
  5.  I had to admit to God myself and another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.
  6. I had to be entirely ready to let God remove my defects of character. I have been holding a rock in my hand the entire time with bitterness, resentment, hate, and judgment. I had to drop that rock. I cannot be throwing rocks. I have to forgive people too. It only hurts me and it puts my life at peril.
  7. I have to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings, and that is no shortlist. It is an honest appraisal of my short-comings. This gets me ready to do the following. All my secrets are out whew!
  8. Make a list of all persons I have harmed a Good portion may come off that 4th step moral compass we wrote out. Don’t burn that baby.
  9. Our list will let us know who to make direct amends to where ever possible.
  10. Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong this doesn’t mean I have to wait for this step this is just a good check-in by this point we are getting ready for the next step because step 3 has now been defined by all the steps before and what remains is this:
  11. Sought Through prayer and meditation improve conscious contact with God as we understood God asking only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out!
  12. I am going to be ready to take this message to another person.

This is what is freeing you by laying it all down you got quite a few things to go. Being at step7, you do not have to hold on to the past anymore.

Anything is possible. Like they say Do not quit before the miracle happens. You have had plenty happen and many more are in your future.

I love you.

Love,

Me

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering I am A Spiritual Being Inside Flesh

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Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody,

Here I am in the first eight days of this new year. This time I may be going a little deep and getting to the root in my spirit, first purposed by God creating me. This is based on my beliefs.

This is all part of my journey because I believe coming into this world with harsh realities and not always having the support and care needed, we become conditioned, destroy our spiritual side.

Now that cannot be my excuse for who I am today. I have learned to take responsibility for my own behaviors that become my self-defeat.

There came a point where I knew life had to be better but somehow could not grasp on to the positive and loving reinforcements of love, care, and nurturing.

I have run so far from me in the things I previously sought out to escape the pain, hurt, and terror.

I bought the bitterness, rage, hate, and destruction because as I believed, it was the only way to defeat the evil that came upon me. I did not always consciously understand that I was being just as damaging to other people, places, and things that came upon me.

I became the tornado in other people’s lives continuing in the vicious cycle of self-affliction, blind and oblivious to the harm and injury I caused. I even called it love, much of the time in believing it was and trying to get others to believe it.

That is not to say it was all blind, in fact, I even had a list of people in my head That deserved the judgment, sentencing, and execution of my wrath upon them. Vengeance was paramount as far as I was concerned.

I kept on drinking the poison hoping the evil people would die.

What I was not comprehending is that all my efforts were killing me. Those other people were going on free as I stayed trapped inside myself and at times taking other hostages with me. The hostages were often innocent bystanders and unintended targets of my wrath.

Oh, the remorse I felt when confronted by my behaviors but often in a state of denial, and outright lying. In most cases, I was only remorseful because it was a negative thing. I had no understanding of the impact of my acting out upon others.

The changes started happening when I realized I could follow directions if it meant saving my own life.

I was in a relationship to have because I did not want to be alone. That relationship was 8-10 years of me waking up every day full of hate and wanting to die. I was incapable of being honest with anyone but mostly lying to myself.

In that relationship it was saying I hate you; I love You; I hate you please do not leave me!

It was a circumstance of convenience, self-preservation, using, abusing, self-indulgent, moments of trying to make a show of love as it became, an act. Mostly it was not comprehending the negative impact I caused upon us both.

It has been years of living amends facing the fact I was a sick alcoholic, and addict desperately searching for love in various kinds of ways. However, I was incapable of loving myself.

Today we are friends, and we get to at least share celebrations and grieve over friends and others who passed away. Life has gone on for both of us. But absolutely cheer each other on.

After bouts of drinking, smoking marijuana, pill-popping, and withdrawal somehow, I am staying clean and sober a little over 17 years. It has been at a slow pace but trudging through with changes. The changes are both great and small. But life-changing.


Each day I decide to either keep or rid myself of behaviors that no longer serve me. Make no mistake, it is a choice even living passively making no choice. That is still a choice that has been hard to comprehend.

Challenges gave come and gone. There are challenges that are still present but becoming smaller.

There are tools to help me today and friends that do encourage and support the positive changes in me. The prayer attributed as The St Francois prayer seems to be the way I wish to live out.

The only thing left now is to make direct amends and continue my living amends.

I want to repair the damage I have done and keep sweeping my side of the street. I want to recognize and acknowledge each day. Your side of the street is none of my business.

I am seeking out that spiritual side that heals the human part of me. This makes it possible to repair part of the damage I have caused. There is damage that is irreversible.

There is still a better life waiting.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!