Life

I Have Updated The Links Page and Sharing Life

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Hey, Y’all!

I am pleased to announce I have fully updated the cooking shows and other favorite links page to this point.

I hope to add in my planting of a few plants. I am limited in living space being in a one-bedroom apartment with a small square of a patio. It is still my refuge and where I can have my sanctuary of peace. I am very grateful for it.

I do want to share more of my life and the favorite things I like to do. I also want to dabble in new things and share those along the way as well.

To have a quality of life means living and doing things as well. It takes action. Doing things even when you know might fail.

I would rather have the enjoyment of at least trying something than not ever knowing if I could do anything. I am like a lot of people sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. When that happens I know it is time to regroup and start smaller.

Changes and cycles are all a part of life’s way.

I want so much more out of life in doing and being. While this is one page I have updated it is just part of my favorite things. If all I did was watch cooking shows and never try a recipe well then it is kind of pointless. Though my meals may not always have the desired appeal to them, the fact I try at all and come out with a result makes me happy.

I am having to reuse a lot of pictures as far as my pictures because I am running out of them to share.

I hope to take more pictures and do more things. I want to make more memories. Especially as a single in this life, it is important to me to document more and make my mark in this life.

Last year I am not sure I was hanging on to a string of hope. This year is different. It has been a year of healing and hope combined. I am learning more to self-sustain but even more so develop spiritually more in faith.

While I hope for many more years to come at the end of my life I do want to be able to say it has been a fun, wild, ride, I hope to make a difference even if it is only in one person’s life. I hope I see the 80s and 90s of old age and do everything people said I could not do. I want to do the things that I say I never could do!

A year ago, I truly believed in my heart I was having to try and figure out how to leave this world peacefully and with as much grace as possible being angry still.

But it was prayers of faith good thoughts, goodwill, and hope. I am never going to stop trying to take greater care of my precious life. I may give in to a few things. But I will continue the journey to the end.

I do find one thing no matter what to be grateful for each day!

Joy comes in the morning!

Thanks for reading!

This has been a blog post entry update by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless, Y’all Everybody!

Reflection, Mourning, Celebrating, And Letting Go of Selfishness

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Photo By: Boxcar Mike I use these reminders

HeyY’all!

I have much love and appreciation as of today the 500 plus likes of Boxcar Mike. I am grateful for this platform.

I am gonna get right into it. I have had a few moments of melancholy and that homesick feeling of wanting yesteryear back. You see, every year right before celebrating my birthday, I have cause to reflect on the year and many years now, before it.

I have 56 years to look back on. Some of those years were harder than others. All of them meant some kind of change was going on.

I want the times with my brother back. I want all the good times with my mama and dad back. I want the good times of more recent years of my mama back. No one sang that country song “You’re Gonna Miss This,”  to me way back then. I took so much for granted.

Oh to have my dad alive, healthy, and well. But if I ever wanted that wish so selfishly well my Mama wouldn’t have the man she does today, who she loves and he loves her. It is not that my dad didn’t love her, or that she didn’t love him, it is more life moved on.

Sometimes our selfish wants to step all over our loved ones. So we learn to love and accept life on life’s terms. Some of those terms mean they get to have a life they couldn’t have otherwise. For there is a season for everything under Heaven.

As for my brother, well he’s alive and well living the closest to a wonderful life as he can. He is with a wonderful wife with whom I just skip in law with and call my sister! They have one handsome son, all grown up now and couldn’t be prouder of as I am also.! Ladies, he’s off the market last I heard. He’s now living the awesome dream he wants as well, all out on his own.

I could go on with all my siblings, aunts, uncles, etc Even Grandma and Grandpa. But do you not know my selfish perfect world if granted, would put an end to their close to perfect worlds, that they get to live in and or finally rest in peace. I love my whole family! I never want to invade or try to trump their way of life with my selfishness.

I did choose to live an hour or more away. I knew it might be hard and some days are harder than others. Especially when you want to help or change things. But the reality is there is no more I could do if there than me here. I would be in the way and selfishly stomping all over what God is doing.

I screw up enough in my own life. I am not perfect! Some days you just cry because well, in the past you see where you made it hard for people to love you. But you do not get to wish their lives away for your selfish dreams. Sometimes I wake up and bust out laughing about a dream or a memory that was funny. This sometimes happens, In the wee hours of the morning.

I have been through many changes, hardships, scares, and looking like I could not come out of the woods, this year alone!

There are probably a good 35 years I want back, Right now, I am just trying to make up for the last ten years. They tell me “Mike buddy, all you got is today.” It is back to simplicity. One day, one heartbeat at a time. That is all we have. I just want another hug, another I love you!

May we all be around for the next entry of Boxcar Mike.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All  Everybody!

A Way Out Through Writing To Myself

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I wanted to update you about the coming soon pages to my blog. I have been lazy as far as those are concerned.

The thing is, this post turned out the way it did. It just is.

Today I am sharing a letter to my younger self. He has been waiting for freedom, and now he is finally free.

To give you the background in my lifetime I have two first names, so I am combing them for the younger guy.

I want to talk to this guy right here!

me at about 15

Jeffrey Michael,

The monsters are gone, and they cannot hurt you anymore. I did not know how to protect you. I tried my best and asked God to rescue you. Through it all, I believe God was there.

You made adult choices between 11 years old to 15 years old and probably even farther. You lived in so many worlds not being satisfied with where you were. You did just want to survive.

My little man, you could not run your life. Your answer to everything was running away.

You got your first-weekend job at 12 years old and had your first drink on the job. This was both comical and sad. You needed all kinds of help. You woke up the next morning forced to do a mile run puking your guts up swearing you’d never do it again.

It was too late you were ready for the next buzz as soon as stuff hit the fan.

You were born into a world of sickness, disease, addiction, and full of dark secrets. You were unwanted on many levels. You carried it with you throughout your life.

There were people assigned to help you along the way that did not always have your best interest in mind.

However, there were people along the way such as clergy, your new parents, and other people, who did and do have your best interest at heart. But you undermined them all to try to get your way.

In the end, regardless of it being your survival tool it only served in self-defeat and was designed only to end your life.

God had to have carried you. That is the only answer to over 20 years of rebellion, addiction, alcoholism, being suicidal, and hospitalizations before you got help. Some people pointed the way, but you could not see your way through.

I am telling you now in the past 9 months you have finally come to terms with some of the things that had you so locked up inside yourself.

Seeds were planted and you were planted right here.

You are finally getting to bloom and accept the life changes. Finally, you are picking up the pieces of your wreckage. You have lots of life left in you. I am not going to let you waste it.

I am ready to surrender you to God to be able to self-parent you with His guidance. They are in the steps of this program which came from God’s word originally.

  1. My life was and is a mess anytime I try to excuse my behaviors.
  2. I had to come to believe I couldn’t be God and had to decide He either was or is not. He Is.
  3. I had to offer myself up and ask for help in turning my life over to God. I can not be running the show.
  4. Had to find my moral compass making a searching and fearless moral inventory. A total self-examination.
  5.  I had to admit to God myself and another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.
  6. I had to be entirely ready to let God remove my defects of character. I have been holding a rock in my hand the entire time with bitterness, resentment, hate, and judgment. I had to drop that rock. I cannot be throwing rocks. I have to forgive people too. It only hurts me and it puts my life at peril.
  7. I have to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings, and that is no shortlist. It is an honest appraisal of my short-comings. This gets me ready to do the following. All my secrets are out whew!
  8. Make a list of all persons I have harmed a Good portion may come off that 4th step moral compass we wrote out. Don’t burn that baby.
  9. Our list will let us know who to make direct amends to where ever possible.
  10. Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong this doesn’t mean I have to wait for this step this is just a good check-in by this point we are getting ready for the next step because step 3 has now been defined by all the steps before and what remains is this:
  11. Sought Through prayer and meditation improve conscious contact with God as we understood God asking only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out!
  12. I am going to be ready to take this message to another person.

This is what is freeing you by laying it all down you got quite a few things to go. Being at step7, you do not have to hold on to the past anymore.

Anything is possible. Like they say Do not quit before the miracle happens. You have had plenty happen and many more are in your future.

I love you.

Love,

Me

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Integrity Not Only In Words But Action

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I am very excited to finally be writing tonight. I have had many technical interruptions that held me off from writing today.

There has been a series of events that happened because of my willingness to change and trust different processes along the way.

In my previous posts, you will have read about my hospitalizations and time in a rehab center following many falls from bed. Plus, there were a host of many things brought on by my health difficulties, of gaining weight, diabetes, wound ulcers swelling, and unwillingness to be hospitalized until a time it was close to the last call.

So, the very first thing I want to share is my right leg and foot are wound-free. Every wound is closed and healed on that leg and foot!

To me, that is a huge miracle! I am so thankful to God for this very thing. I am thankful to drivers’ nurses, doctors, friends, family, and support in all different ways. It took everything and everyone. I do have to keep compression wraps on that leg. But is so amazing.

The left leg and foot where the wounds are, very close to closing. They have a little way to go yet. However, it is so much better.

I left the rehab right before July 4th, 2021; It was then, I made a promise to myself and others, that nothing was going to be the same ever again.

Used by permission of meltblogs from Facebook.com

This right here is what I am replacing my negative self-talk with. Read the words in that meme picture.

I began making changes in my diet asking for help more. At the time I needed more help.

My own photo of What I prepared homemade.

There has been a mountain of changes. Exercising and working with physical therapy, walking more and more so recently. Doing my best to make life less complicated, more organized, and simpler.

I have had to clear my mind of the junk I have held onto for years. I have had to stop excuses for my behavior. It has truly become a program of action. It comes in forgiving others and learning to let myself off the hook for things that were not my fault.

In The last few weeks even, most recently, this week I have drawn some lines in the sand for myself. I have had to get real with God and my faith. I have had to admit some wrongs. I continuously take inventory of myself and even a few lingering details of my past.

I have had to return to a relationship with God built on total honesty and his mercy and grace through all my trials.

I went home and moved to a street-level apartment. I was home for two months or so. Then it was to only be back in the hospital for like a week and diagnosed with osteomyelitis.

I was doing everything I could to get off the PICC line. I was scared I would be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. I have been off antibiotics for about a few weeks now think.

The night I got home from the hospital I talked to God and said I was not ready yet.

I found out I have a whole lot of life left in me. I am making the changes, I am sharing who I am today, what I have done, and this broken mess of a life, I have been leading.

Walking With my walker “Cadillac Jack”
Photos of my walk

I am stopping the negative self-talk, the complaining about not enough. The secret thoughts, I am bringing them to light; I want to show them for what they are and to put them down.

I do want to figure out something as I heal more and more to generate an income and be able to get off government aid and disability. I want to own my own home.

The time is getting real folks! Inflation is going to eat us up.  I won’t sit by and just be quiet anymore. I am also ready to say let’s fire every single one in office as “We the People.” Because almost every single last one in the office is not for the people of this country. We are going to have to pull together no matter which side you are on and be self-sustaining people! Buy Local! I am hearing it from farmers and truckers alike. We must figure out how to replenish what we take from our communities. If we do not, we all go under.

I am getting off track but on track too!

Integrity is taking on the responsibility of my whole self and being true, through and through.

I want to live comfortably in my skin and call a spade a spade. No more hiding. No More on the fence!

I hope you enjoy the many pictures I am sharing as well.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Remembering I am A Spiritual Being Inside Flesh

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Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody,

Here I am in the first eight days of this new year. This time I may be going a little deep and getting to the root in my spirit, first purposed by God creating me. This is based on my beliefs.

This is all part of my journey because I believe coming into this world with harsh realities and not always having the support and care needed, we become conditioned, destroy our spiritual side.

Now that cannot be my excuse for who I am today. I have learned to take responsibility for my own behaviors that become my self-defeat.

There came a point where I knew life had to be better but somehow could not grasp on to the positive and loving reinforcements of love, care, and nurturing.

I have run so far from me in the things I previously sought out to escape the pain, hurt, and terror.

I bought the bitterness, rage, hate, and destruction because as I believed, it was the only way to defeat the evil that came upon me. I did not always consciously understand that I was being just as damaging to other people, places, and things that came upon me.

I became the tornado in other people’s lives continuing in the vicious cycle of self-affliction, blind and oblivious to the harm and injury I caused. I even called it love, much of the time in believing it was and trying to get others to believe it.

That is not to say it was all blind, in fact, I even had a list of people in my head That deserved the judgment, sentencing, and execution of my wrath upon them. Vengeance was paramount as far as I was concerned.

I kept on drinking the poison hoping the evil people would die.

What I was not comprehending is that all my efforts were killing me. Those other people were going on free as I stayed trapped inside myself and at times taking other hostages with me. The hostages were often innocent bystanders and unintended targets of my wrath.

Oh, the remorse I felt when confronted by my behaviors but often in a state of denial, and outright lying. In most cases, I was only remorseful because it was a negative thing. I had no understanding of the impact of my acting out upon others.

The changes started happening when I realized I could follow directions if it meant saving my own life.

I was in a relationship to have because I did not want to be alone. That relationship was 8-10 years of me waking up every day full of hate and wanting to die. I was incapable of being honest with anyone but mostly lying to myself.

In that relationship it was saying I hate you; I love You; I hate you please do not leave me!

It was a circumstance of convenience, self-preservation, using, abusing, self-indulgent, moments of trying to make a show of love as it became, an act. Mostly it was not comprehending the negative impact I caused upon us both.

It has been years of living amends facing the fact I was a sick alcoholic, and addict desperately searching for love in various kinds of ways. However, I was incapable of loving myself.

Today we are friends, and we get to at least share celebrations and grieve over friends and others who passed away. Life has gone on for both of us. But absolutely cheer each other on.

After bouts of drinking, smoking marijuana, pill-popping, and withdrawal somehow, I am staying clean and sober a little over 17 years. It has been at a slow pace but trudging through with changes. The changes are both great and small. But life-changing.


Each day I decide to either keep or rid myself of behaviors that no longer serve me. Make no mistake, it is a choice even living passively making no choice. That is still a choice that has been hard to comprehend.

Challenges gave come and gone. There are challenges that are still present but becoming smaller.

There are tools to help me today and friends that do encourage and support the positive changes in me. The prayer attributed as The St Francois prayer seems to be the way I wish to live out.

The only thing left now is to make direct amends and continue my living amends.

I want to repair the damage I have done and keep sweeping my side of the street. I want to recognize and acknowledge each day. Your side of the street is none of my business.

I am seeking out that spiritual side that heals the human part of me. This makes it possible to repair part of the damage I have caused. There is damage that is irreversible.

There is still a better life waiting.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

My One Word For The Year 2022

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Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Happy New Year!

I am happy to be writing to you after a long silence.

For the past few years instead of doing resolutions I have been picking one word for the year. It has usually been a group of us updating and checking in with each other.

Busy lives and the changes with Covid, I have personally used it as an excuse to not check-in. But now I really want and need those check-ins.

2021, had fallen and rose just as my chest rises and falls. Believe me, I really want to forge ahead but not forgetting my lessons I have learned as well.

I will not keep making promises and breaking them as has been my record in writing and other things. There are circumstances that are beyond my control at present that may limit me from being able to get my entries into my blog.

My solution so far, is that I would be able to do a bunch and upload them at least bi-weekly.

Now that I have detoured from the subject at hand, let me get back to the subject of one word.

Words are powerful and can be life-changing. Words are used to tear down or build up. They can add to beautiful things or take away the beauty. Lives are built on words. In fact, I choose to believe this entire world was created with words. Yet lives have also been destroyed words.

We all get to choose our words and how they might be used. My Mama has said to me, that I may wish to think hard and choose my words wisely. I also get that same advice from others and I have passed it along, myself.

The word I have chosen is “seek”. I hope to really find the truth in what all I do seek.

There are things, I have not had to seek to find the truth. Rather, it was accepted and facing the truth even when painful and other things are just by sheer joy and beauty.

Sometimes the days seem so long, harsh, and seeking out the truth and holding on is all we have.

The advice for all time is we may not like everything we find in hearing or seeing for ourselves. But that is when we find gratitude in just having the experience. Having the experience is life.

I want the good stuff. The good stuff is in the truth I seek. That does not mean there are not ugly truths as well. We can only change what is ugly inside of us and we all have some ugly in us.

We would not be human, otherwise.

Everything is a day at a time. Sometimes it is a heart neat at a time. We breathe in and we breathe out. Sometimes I forget to breathe and then other times I just do it without thinking.

There is so much to try to put in me that I want. There are negative and ugly parts to rid me of, to let more in. I hope to pour more out of me along this journey.

Peace out to all!

Thanks for reading!


This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Journey Of Gratitude Through Many Changes

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody:

It is good to be back at the keyboard in this season of Thanksgiving and to be able to share my gratitude with you.

Though we just celebrated the holiday of Thanksgiving, for me it is an all-year season of giving thanks. Some days seem easier in finding things to give thanks for or finding gratitude. However, every day there is always something to find gratitude for and to give thanks.

While this past year has been a roller coaster filled with dark moments, I did find other things to be grateful for and give thanks in just making it through each day. I will not say every second, I always gave thanks; however, I found through tears and laughter there was life beyond the moment.

The above I wrote several weeks ago. Today I want to add to that as I study through a program of twelve steps and a book written on the experiences of over the first one hundred people and how they found a way out of a hopeless state of mind.

I will tell you I have floundered my way through many years and even this past year through obstacles. I have an illness that was ready to take my very life from me if I let it.

I will start by saying I am grateful for the fact I am alive. There is a solution, there is hope, there’s grace, mercy, and work to do.

I am grateful for a program of action. I am grateful for the closed-mouth friends I have and the journey that has become so spiritual. It has caused me to pause for reflection and to look at the mental and spiritual struggle.

I am grateful for the truth that I can stop multiple behaviors that are not good for my soul if I choose to. I do not have to continue the same patterns over and over, yes at the same time, I have gone right back to them at times.

I am grateful for the awareness today, while I do not always choose the healthy choice. I have chosen better choices at times and other times not so great.

The awareness being that food has always been a drug of choice just as much my alcoholism was a drug of choice. Anything to not feel the way I felt or feel at times. I finally got the freedom to say I ate my feelings and emotions.

I must admit I did not know food would lead me down the same path as my alcoholism had. I am making changes and striving to stick with them.

The most perplexing part of this deal is you cannot just abstain from all food like you can alcohol or other substances.

In my own journey, I have found even other things I want more of because it is a soul sickness.

The healing is an inside job that will hopefully make outside changes as I get better. Some changes have shown outwardly. The realization is always coming to the point of I cannot do this alone.

It is only scratching the surface. It is heading in the right direction if I make the choice each day to do so. I can achieve living my best life. It will take more work, but I am grateful I do not have to die today. I want more of life and to help spread life to others.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

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Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

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train personnel standing beside train

Photo by Mateusz Turbiu0144ski on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!