Learning To Walk Graceful and Give Grace

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There is so much to share tonight. I dedicate this to our families and loved ones, who have not given up on us. May we continue our walk forward. 

Some of our biggest teachers come from the mommas and the grandmas who pray without ceasing on our behalf. It doesn’t matter what you believe; it’s not about that. 

I had no intention of writing tonight. However, I went to a meeting and upon returning there was a package at my apartment door waiting for me. 

I couldn’t wait to unwrap it as the address and name it contained was from my mom and her husband. Both people I love dearly! 

Inside were shirts which I needed and a size that works and my favorite colors. I couldn’t wait to get a comfy shirt on, it had long sleeves. The kind you can roll half way up and it had a pocket! 

What a beautiful gift! Thank you and for your prayers, Mom and B,!  

Thank you also Grandma for always praying. 

Some people have walked this journey with me the past several months of really getting honest with a program of action.  I have a lot of anger in the past and it’s still with me in some ways. 

But this gift reminded me of grace and love. I am currently working on finally letting go of the anger to free me up. As long as I hold on to anger, I will never be able to walk in the grace I have been given. I will never be able to extend that grace until I let go of the anger. 

I have been holding on to all these bags of rocks in case they were needed. Don’t you know I want to throw these rocks at people who I get vibes off that remind me of certain people from my past. 

But those bags of rocks have been holding me down. They weigh me down. They cause pain for me. Not the other person. The traps I set for others have trapped me. They have enclosed the walls on me. I am suffocating myself. 

We are so busy often looking for an answer to prayer, our prayers, our momma’s prayers, our grandmother’s prayers, our friend’s prayers, when we ultimately, are the answer to prayer. 

All we have to do, is let go and everyone’s prayer is answered. We get to be free. That’s what I want today on my journey. It is time to let go and be free. 

It’s in the program of action.  

  1. Admit my life is unmanageable. 
  1. I get to ask to be restored to sanity 
  1. Turn my will and life over to the care of God as we understood Him. 
  1. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory. All my secrets are written down. Lots of anger and resentments. 
  1. Admitted to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. (Everything I have held on to). 
  1. We’re entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. (Dropping our bags of rocks). 

There’s more to share but this is where I am. I know in a previous post I said I was at step 7, but this is where I am. 

I get to accept what has happened and I get to pray for those in my 5th step that I hold ill will against. This is how I become the answer to my own prayer and everyone else who has been praying for me. 

It’s going to take walking in the grace to get through this step. If I do this then I have a shot at sanity today. I am not affected by some emotional mental disorder if I just let go. 

If I can be free, it’s worth it. 

Thanks for Reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike! Over and out. 

God Bless y’all everybody! 

True Ambition and Pressing Through When Tempted

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True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and humbly under the grace of God.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions AA Pages 124-125) 

Hi Everyone, 

This afternoon I finally finished the third column of my fourth step inventory. I was so grateful to get the push I needed. 

I was reminded as I was doing my step work of the wonderful bonfire with friends last night and how awesome it was that we are mix of people under normal circumstances probably wouldn’t have mixed.  

So, we have a singleness of purpose somehow guided by the God of our understanding. Tonight, as I did my work and even writing now, I have a candle lit. Believe me it is nothing compared to the awesome bonfire. 

I really want to let go of everything and be free of the prison in my mind. All of us that gather together its representation of exactly those who are in the process at least, of being freed from what our minds have created within ourselves. 

I found out today in my journey, to let myself stay untreated in the steps means I could go way off the beam. I can’t afford to pay that price today. I am not willing to go to prison because of an unwillingness to work the steps. 

I am ready to press through. Today for these 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary. The three legacies which are unity, service, and recovery: These are what remind me about to thine own self be true. 

Gathering together and giving it away, to keep it. I need people and they need me. I can’t stay a hermit and be okay. I have to be willing to go outside my comfort zone and be real. Tell people where I am so I can find out if Iam headed for trouble. 

I cannot afford to be alone in my own head anymore. It just doesn’t work. It’s suicide if I do.  

I didn’t know crazy can fake itself and look calm like today. It’s enough to scare you into doing whatever you have to do, to keep crazy away. 

Prayers alone are not enough it takes work and action. You must open your mouth no one is a mind reader. 

There is one who has all power. That one is God may you find him now. We read this at every meeting and it’s so true. Alone, I have no power but together we can. 

Half measures availed us nothing, let’s press on! 

  • I am grateful for sponsorship. 
  • I am grateful for the bonfires, candles, gathering and a loving God as he may express himself. 
  • I am grateful for the singleness of purpose. 
  • I am grateful for the life saver. 
  • I am grateful for choices today. 
  • I am grateful for get out of jail free card, that’s in the steps if we work them. 
  • I am grateful we can work at demolishing the prison we built. 
  • I am grateful to be loved regardless where I am. 
  • I am grateful for homecoming.  
  • I am grateful for the strength to get through today when I was very tempted to nap. 

Thank you reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Night Time Prayer and Changes and Pauses

We continually take our inventory and try to step back immediately when something is amiss.   

I am still working on my fourth step and dragging my feet a bit. 

However tonight at a meeting we went over making sure our ground is safe and how to ask for help.  

I just also admit that at times when things are going rough, I still do want a drink. But I think it through today, just like I have the past 15 years. Nothing is worth my sobriety today. 

Tonight, we studied on the way we ask for help. The prayer above shows how we might end our day but we begin each day with asking God to direct our thinking. 

There’s no need to keep on adding to the wreckage along our journey. We have clear it each time we cause it. We get better as we do it. 

One clear idea is that we grow and change or we die. I want to be better each day and some days I do accomplish that. Some days are where Iam busy making amends along the way. No one is perfect and we want progress for sure. 

Our secrets only kill us. It’s to our benefit to be open with another human being. We can also get help in discovering our motives and hopefully rid ourselves of contempt and hate for others. 

We learn to look at our foes as sick people and ask God how we may be of help to them with right motives. 

We make apologies and admit where we are wrong. Sorry is not an apology!  

It’s about learning to be sober and living quality lives. We clean our side of the street as we go and make use of what we learn along the way.  

When we stop growing and refuse to change, we begin to become ill and we are headed for death. For us to drink, is to die. 

The Prayer above is just one more way to be God-Conscious and to concede we are not alone, ever.  

We get the chance to live, learn, listen, and share. Our prayers do not go unheard.  

Change is not always easy. We may not always be willing. But we do concede when we are faced with calamity, that change must take place.  

Today I don’t want to stay stuck. I have a choice to get up and make changes or I die. It really is that simple for the alcoholic. 

I choose life. 

  • I am grateful for the gatherings. 
  • I am grateful we each get to share. 
  • I am grateful for the chance to be around others who want to grow and thrive even when we are tired. 
  • I am grateful to be God-Conscious today.  
  • I am grateful not every day is chaotic as it once was. 
  • I am grateful I get to give of myself today. 
  • I am grateful God hears my prayers. 
  • I am grateful to be losing interest in selfish things. 
  • I am grateful for therapy even when it too maybe too hard at times and I resist it. 
  • I am grateful for the honest feedback from others today. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

All To Thee I Surrender All

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Hi Everyone, 

I am catching up again, because of physical issues it’s been hard to stay up to date. 

Life is often a mixed bag. One is never without struggles and they are also never without many things to be grateful for, at least in my life this is true. 

I am learning to be more of service as a chairman or facilitator of meetings and answering the call when someone asks for help. Maybe it’s just listening to others and getting out of my own head for a while. 

I am having to ask for help from others today and that’s very humbling. 

Things that have always been true but refreshers are always needed are: 

I realize tonight for me, that alcohol and anger really are one in the same for me. Neither serve me very well. I am tired, the anger has worn me down. 

  • We can’t lie and recover. 
  • We can’t hold onto anger and recover. 
  • It doesn’t matter what was done to you. What matters is what you are doing to others and if you are taking responsibility today. 
  • I am willing to be alone today rather than have someone take my joy and peace. 
  • I don’t have the right to judge you today. 
  • We all have choices choose them wisely. 
  • Our greatest message is how we live and not what we say. 
  • Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t come to an understanding. 
  • Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. 
  • What we sow is what we will reap. 
  •  People will fail me at some point and I will them too. That’s a promise. No one’s perfect. 
  •  It’s okay to let go I don’t have to try to control everything. It’s not my job. 

I think back to the church hymns while growing up and I was very young, about 10 years old.  “All to Thee My Blessed Savior, I surrender all. I surrender all, I surrender all!” The minister would ask in the middle of that hymn do you really, people? Do you surrender all? 

Each of us have that same question to answer for ourselves and how we choose, will determine the rest. 

Not only do my decisions affect me today. They affect others as well. Especially, those around me. I am not my own person today. I am a part of a we thing. 

  • I am grateful for help today. 
  • I am grateful for the truth. 
  • I am grateful to be able to surrender. 
  • I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to others today. 
  • I am grateful I can choose today. 
  • I am grateful for the care and the transparency of others. It teaches me to do the same, to the best of my ability. 
  • I am grateful I picked 4pm, it will keep me accountable. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to make excuses today. 
  • I am grateful I get to stay in contact today and stay connected. 

This has been another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike and I thank you for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Step Two Sanity Can Be Restored

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Hi Everybody! 

Part Two of Step Two, is being restored to sanity. It takes starting the root of Step Two to work through all of the rest of the steps in order to rightly relate ourselves to God.

It means clearing out all the junk so the Grace of God can fully enter us.  

I had many times both drunk and dry where the living room furniture was flapped over or someone was seriously hurt due to the anger and rage, I was showing. 

It’s been an insane way to live. What’s even crazier is while one may stay dry this is what is happening in the mind as a person white knuckle it. You’re miserable and the damage is still being done until true recovery begins. 

Recovery can’t begin or at least it couldn’t until I decided who or what I was coming to believe in and being restored couldn’t happen until I rightly relate myself to God. 

As I am picking up these steps and setting right the foundation, this is where I can learn to rightly relate myself to God. I can’t do it alone; however, it does take my own decision alone.  

With the decision in place, I can begin action with direction.  

Sometimes I think it’s easier to call ourselves crazy, but hard to accept we are in fact mentally ill. We have deemed crazy as fun and more of a daredevil inside us as harmless. 

Let’s not be mistaken, our illness has taken us beyond harmless and in put us in some precarious and harmful positions. It’s not just us this has affected. 

Unfortunately, our actions and decisions affected everyone around us. 

Today I know I must change. In order to change means being willing to believe in a power greater than myself (God) can and will restore me to sanity. 

For me personally, I have been signed into many hospitals, a few times willingly and few times not so willingly I have tried many of the medications out there. 

Perhaps now is the time, taking the steps and taking direction means I have a fighting chance to stay sober and grow.  

It’s all about getting honest and cleaning up the junk so that we may find the freedom we crave. This hardly even the beginning its just scratching the surface and part of an outline.  

This decision finally starts with a prayer as we begin Step Three. This will be in the next couple of entries I write. I may write more on something else before I write on Step Three. 

I don’t want to promise the very next entry yet. I usually become a liar by making a promise. But Maybe I will I have no idea. Each time I write it really feels like I am directed outside my wants. 

  • I am grateful for Step Two  
  • Iam grateful for a loving God as He may express Himself in and through my life if and when I allow Him to. 
  • I am grateful for the chance to get better each day. 
  • I am grateful for sharing with others and getting to listen to others. 
  • I am grateful for people who tell me the truth today. 
  • I am grateful to get to be of service especially when I have no clue. It keeps my head at the right size. 
  • I am grateful I can ask others for help. 
  • I am grateful I am not a doormat today. I can be assertive. 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike Thanks for reading! Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Surrendering Got Me To Step 1

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Welcome Back Y’all ! 

I go from cold, to hot, to cold, along this journey. I won’t hide that from you. I am in hopes of being able to stay the course now. 

What I have been describing and sharing with others in this journey whenever I have mentioned my anger, is going back to that alcoholic thinking. I have wanted to control things and make an impact so that I can have my way. It doesn’t work.  

Anger has stopped working for me and I did not realize it the same way I was with alcohol. It had been a long-time quit working for me, before I could acknowledge it wasn’t working anymore.   

My self –reliance and self-will cannot cure it or make it go away. I needed help and I finally asked for it, like a dying man. My world was crumbling and even as I write this it is fresh what my thinking and ways were doing to me even yesterday morning with just thoughts alone. 

I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink in fifteen years. However, of real serenity I have had very little. Why? Because I have been unwilling until now! I am grateful I never picked up in these years and a lot of help along the way and I have even had some growth but it’s not enough anymore. 

When I finished writing last night I was chatting with a friend and I finally admitted unless I do these steps I will self-destruct. I asked for help and direction.  

I get to change my ending in a brand-new way today by being willing and as a reader suggested, finally surrendering! Isn’t it so much easier to just surrender than whistling in the dark? It’s a lot less lonely too.  

As usual these days I am in tears as I write this because I finally want that freedom, I have craved. The funny thing is the only way I will get it is by telling on my disease and surrendering.  

Here’s a key for you. This is one of those diseases that will lie to you and tell you nothing is wrong with you. But I admit my life is unmanageable and without help it is too much for me to bear alone. 

Step 1 became my admission that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanageable. Along with that I am filled with rage, I am an addict, and I can be a narcissist.  

While I have made progress, I am here to tell you I have done things to get me where I am, that my life is unmanageable. I did those things to me out of not being responsible for me. I have to take responsibility for my life today.  

This is where the steps come into play and real recovery starts. It starts each day and no matter what, refusing to give up or give in. 

  • I am grateful for the truth today. 
  • I am grateful I can surrender to a program of action today 
  • I am grateful for a loving God who can express Himself in me and make known the desires of my heart. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay suck today or lie to cover up another lie. 
  • I am grateful for help and direction. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to live in fear today. 
  • I am grateful I could see joy in another human being yesterday. 
  • I am grateful for all of my friends each one is different and I see each of their unique ways as a colorful world. 
  • I am grateful for aunts, grandmothers, mothers, brothers and sisters who pray. 
  • I am grateful for the strength to write this today and Iam not falling apart I get to pick up the pieces today. 

This Boxcar Mike! Thanks for reading ya’ll Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everbody!  

To Thine Own Self Be True Always

Hi Everyone!

Today was a rather busy day. I first had to deal with medical and physical issues the first half of the day. It was one of those mornings where it was hard to get up on time. But I trudged through today.

I still read in my book. However, I feel it more important to share about my day, along the journey. Part of recovery is building friendships and being open to allow the day to unfold as it will. The friendship and fellowship are all part of staying connected.

I was so blessed today in a few ways just sharing with others in person. Being clean and sober is so much better when you can honestly share with others. We get to share and be as open as we want. I find sharing everything from the gut and where we honestly stand now, is so helpful in a way to remember to be grateful.

Once you have a few 24 hours under your belt you can even see in yourself some growth just by sharing. When you’re not down in the dumps and you can find that gratitude, you learn that you can be happy and celebrate with others, in their growth as well.

In the near half day mark, I took time to share with my driver and friend. Maybe I should say he took the time more so. It did help clarify things and though this person may not necessarily be at the gatherings, just having that human contact is helpful.

When I got sober the saying used to be to “wear life like a loose coat.”  Don’t take everything so serious. Especially, we shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously. The point is growth and we don’t have to be all doom and gloom.

After all part of recovery is learning to enjoy life and with a purpose. (Man, I hope I am hearing myself, right now!)

In the latter part of the afternoon, a friend came over she cut my hair and did a wonderful job. I didn’t have to explain much. But even doing stuff like this is like trusting people. Learning to trust each other is a gift. The chance to be trusted is also a gift. The great thing is we all share when you really become part of, rather than just being around.

This evening was even more special as my therapist came for a one on one time. If you’re anything like me, you need all the help you can get through therapy. I received my 15-year coin of sobriety. It meant so much to me that he presented it. I cannot wait to take it to my gatherings to pass it around the tables.

This therapist I have saw some of the me that used to be. He has also seen me through the years go through valleys and mountain tops. Tonight, I just needed the reminder I wasn’t alone. No matter how old we get and even though we know we aren’t alone, we just sometimes need that reminder.

Now that I have written it all out, I can see I had reminders all day. I was never alone. I am grateful for that today. To Thine Own Self Be True.

Thanks for reading. This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless y’all !

 

 

 

My Journey is About Progress Rather Than Perfection

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Hi Everyone!

I just have to keep writing. I couldn’t get what I wanted to write about into words. Instead, I am sharing my experience today. I want to be intentional and do better. I also want to be better.

I guess I am amazed because every time I think I am going to write on a subject, or use it to chair a meeting, it gets switched. Today I am not sure if it’s God or if I just let myself run out of time.

Maybe a bit of both happened. I am thinking God can use our weaknesses and make something beautiful out of it.

It was a really long day I was trying forever to get caught up on a few things. I also wanted to help someone else. I found myself being helped a lot too. What an amazing day, even though I could feel my energy just being drained.

It was time for my ride, and I felt so unprepared, but I grabbed my stuff and went out the door. I am very grateful for rides today. They help me stay connected. We also get time to share before and after each gathering.

Tonight, someone made me realize it was important to share my anniversary/birthday, even though it felt repetitious.

I also learned what I share matters. It can mean so much to someone relatively new, to know others have stayed clean and sober longer than twenty-four hours.

In spite of everything I have still grown, and someone’s been trying to get me to see that. Sure, maybe I have a lot of work still but compared to how I once was. I can put some words together and possibly say a prayer, and every once in a while, even pause.

I am not quitting on myself today. I want to keep going forward even when I get tired.

A long time ago a friend handed me a card with his phone number on it. On the back of the card, it read me, and my friends don’t hurt each other or ourselves today. We still learn today that we do sometimes hurt others and ourselves today.

We just try not to hurt ourselves or others today. I am guilty of both. I keep searching for the next right thing to do.

Sometimes the next right thing to do seems like a tall order this is why we need to stay connected. I can’t do it alone. I do have to do the work and the piper will come, if I ignore my behavior.

Part of what I can do is carry this part of the message and share my journey along the way as living amends. I cannot change without mending my ways. Finally, I just realized as I am writing this, it takes a lot of grace!

I do want to share with you there is a way out of our self-destructive, messed up ways. There is hope and we have to hang on to it and be willing to take the steps out of the insanity.

The last thing I want to say in this entry is that one day is just as important as someone who has 5, 10, or even 15 years. It works. We can start for hope’s door anytime we choose to.

Thank you for reading! As I’ve mentioned I have Facebook Page Boxcar Mike search for me on Facebook and if you want to be friends let me know on that page or drop a comment here and let me know your name. If you just add me without me knowing you, then I will suspect more spam.

This here Boxcar Mike, over and out! God bless y’all everybody!

 

 

Alcoholism Two-fold A Physical Craving and A Mental Obsession

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I haven’t stopped reading. I have not posted in a bit though. I apologize for that.

Chapter four of the book, “A Program for You” has been hard for me to put into my own words. I think its is extremely important to always go back to the source. The truth is a lot of stuff is repetitive. It is important to repeat because so much gets said that another person said.

This is why going back to the source is necessary, at least for me. I don’t feel I can fully comprehend things without having that source.

I think for me for years I saw the disease of alcoholism as an allergy and that would be my excuse once more for saying things are not my fault. This is only a half truth. I am responsible for my own actions. Once I am armed with the truth of the disease, I am even more so, responsible.

The disease described as an allergy is twofold. The first part is the physical craving brought on by the first drink. The second part of it being an obsession. This can be arrested by following a simple program.

As I read this with understanding now, it is clicking in how it works. I have to keep going back to the doctor’s words. I have never been able to just trust that someone said something, that someone else said. I think the bottom line to this has always been, since I don’t trust myself, I sure can’t trust others either. Not on their words alone.

You’ll hear it said over and over, it is one of the diseases that will tell you, you don’t have the disease.

Let me just state, I have deep distrust and dislike for doctors in general. I will also say some are miracle workers that go above and beyond their calling. That said, there is something to this Dr William D. Silkworth.

As we read later on in Bill’s Story, it all began with Ebbie T. from the Oxford Groups, a friend of Bill’s. He was hopeless and would be committed to an asylum for the rest of his life if not, for the doctor. Because of his story and getting to share that with Bill. The proof that came from doctor’s opinion resulted in over 100 people recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.

Alcoholics are those that have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Its not that I have this abnormal reaction that makes me a victim, sinful, bad, weak, or wrong. It just is.

I have shared with a couple people and gathered with several people this week.

For most of my childhood I lived in the country. I suppose that’s in fact drawn me to the country and that way of life. Most of my drinking was done in the country, after coming of age and few years before. I have always loved country songs and been to many dances etc.

There’s one country song that came out since I have been sober. It makes me think back to when I drank. It talks about the genie in the bottle and how she lies to you. I bought a bunch of lies and have told several myself. Today I want the truth and need to really be recovered.

I am powerless over alcohol my life is unmanageable. But again, alcohol is but a symptom too. More on that later.

Day 8 3 things grateful for  21 days to rewiring my brain to be happy

  1. I am grateful for the Doctor’s Opinion
  2. I am grateful for fellowship
  3. I am grateful to write.

I will probably start the 21-day challenge over next month in hopes to stay on tract. However, in order to write. I am still going to post 3 things I am grateful for. I find it motivating.

Thanks for reading another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

 

A Recipe Study Thinking I Was Ready

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Welcome Back! This is a Day 7 Blogpost entry. I am far behind.

I thought I was ready to start in on The Big Book. I got drawn back to read another chapter in the book “A Program for You.”  I really thought Id even get done reading the big book and be ready to do chapter by chapter and step by step this week.

I even shared that fact with my therapist. His recommendation was to take it slow and not rush things.

Now that I have read this third chapter, I am seeing why its important not to rush things. The important things brought out in this third chapter are finding out and understanding our problem, to begin with.

The first step shows us our problem is being powerless, and we need power to overcome our powerlessness. Third thing we have to find is that power which is what was recalled by Bill W. Dr Bob and Bill D.

The three basic questions are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What is the solution?
  3. What is the program of action necessary for me to find and to use or implement that solution?

This is where we can finally see The Big Book as a text and study guide or recipe. I am glad that I can see where I was rushing and yet also, I can see where I have now procrastinated and used tiredness as an excuse to fall behind.

I do believe in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous and I do believe in a power greater than myself; Whom I choose to call God as I understand Him and Don’t Understand Him. I don’t expect everyone or maybe anyone, to believe the way I believe.

No matter what we believe I do know that there are no two people on this earth who believe exactly the same.

What I do believe is that the first one hundred people, recovered and they used a simple text or recipe if you will, that is a program of action. I am certainly not saying I wouldn’t love to rush through this. However, if taking my time gets the best results and following these simple directions help me do that, then I want all I can get from it.

I have to keep pressing ahead and do the best I can. I cannot afford for my recovery and well-being to take any days off of blogging.

The blogging happens because I read and learn. I take time to pray and meditate in the middle of it. That’s where the excitement for growth happens but sometimes it is so hard to want to pry the book open to learn. I also have to do better with communication with my closed mouth friend.

I have literally gone to sleep early and taken naps, blowing off our time. I really do care and want more for myself I just have to prove it through action.

I have come to understand a couple of things in recovery time is a great reminder and good to have for milestones to capture those moments in. Quality is what I want to today. Some days I just have to want it more than I want it sometimes. Especially when I let days go by.

21 day Challenge of 3 things to be grateful about for rewiring my brain to happiness:

  1. The opportunity to admit when I am wrong.
  2. The chance to write and share my experience with others.
  3. I am never alone even if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

God Bless Everybody!