hope

Integrity Happens Because I Decide My Behavior

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Walthers Park DeSoto, Missouri 2016

Hi Everyone!

I hope once again to dive deeper into the subject of integrity.

Choosing my behavior begins as soon as I stumble from my bed and get my coffee ready so I can say a prayer.  While it has only been as of late to be consistent with this, so far I am finding it works.

My prayer starts simply: God, please help me today I cannot do this without you. God, please direct my thoughts today to help me to be divorced from self-pity and that I may be of help to others where I can. Help me to pause when angered or agitated. Help me to stay in the right behavior and help me to be mindful of you. Thank you God for another day and help me to live life to the fullest amen.

I look at past behaviors and realize without doing my prayer I would stay stuck the whole day because I did not take that needed moment. I do this before I talk to anyone. Unless of course, I am awakened abruptly.

I try to be as open and honest as I can. I try to be motivated by the right things realizing I am not perfect. None of us are perfect.

I have key people in my circle who I run things by to make sure I am on the right track. Sometimes, it means a talk just to see what is going on inside my head. A lot of times, it means listening to others and not just so I can think of the next thing to say. Sometimes it means being a sounding board to stay out of my head.

Integrity for me means being true to myself and admitting when I am wrong revealing my motives. It also means slowing down a minute and looking at myself through the eyes of others. We cannot always see what others see in us. It also means doing the right thing when no one is watching.

I do my best to avoid behaviors that are going to threaten my freedom. I do my best to avoid behaviors that can lead me back in my addictions. I avoid situations that will threaten my sanity. Peace of mind and minding my own business are priceless today.

I do my best to stop myself from gossiping or entertaining gossip. It has no value in a productive life. However, yes do we all not enjoy a good story every once in a while? I will say it is a trap and can start a trend. It messes with my peace today. I want better for myself.

I write gratitude lists from time to time because otherwise, I can slip into not being grateful. I do not want to be selfish today. Being ungrateful certainly does lead to being selfish.

One of the hardest parts I believe is looking at the exact wrongs and harms I have done to others. But perhaps the hardest of all is making those harms and wrongs right.

Some people and situations will never be the same. My hope is never to do the same wrongs and harms ever again.

For me, it has come down to doing the right thing or not doing it at all. There is no middle ground anymore.

There is more to be continued with this subject of integrity and behavior.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

A Way Out Through Writing To Myself

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I wanted to update you about the coming soon pages to my blog. I have been lazy as far as those are concerned.

The thing is, this post turned out the way it did. It just is.

Today I am sharing a letter to my younger self. He has been waiting for freedom, and now he is finally free.

To give you the background in my lifetime I have two first names, so I am combing them for the younger guy.

I want to talk to this guy right here!

me at about 15

Jeffrey Michael,

The monsters are gone, and they cannot hurt you anymore. I did not know how to protect you. I tried my best and asked God to rescue you. Through it all, I believe God was there.

You made adult choices between 11 years old to 15 years old and probably even farther. You lived in so many worlds not being satisfied with where you were. You did just want to survive.

My little man, you could not run your life. Your answer to everything was running away.

You got your first-weekend job at 12 years old and had your first drink on the job. This was both comical and sad. You needed all kinds of help. You woke up the next morning forced to do a mile run puking your guts up swearing you’d never do it again.

It was too late you were ready for the next buzz as soon as stuff hit the fan.

You were born into a world of sickness, disease, addiction, and full of dark secrets. You were unwanted on many levels. You carried it with you throughout your life.

There were people assigned to help you along the way that did not always have your best interest in mind.

However, there were people along the way such as clergy, your new parents, and other people, who did and do have your best interest at heart. But you undermined them all to try to get your way.

In the end, regardless of it being your survival tool it only served in self-defeat and was designed only to end your life.

God had to have carried you. That is the only answer to over 20 years of rebellion, addiction, alcoholism, being suicidal, and hospitalizations before you got help. Some people pointed the way, but you could not see your way through.

I am telling you now in the past 9 months you have finally come to terms with some of the things that had you so locked up inside yourself.

Seeds were planted and you were planted right here.

You are finally getting to bloom and accept the life changes. Finally, you are picking up the pieces of your wreckage. You have lots of life left in you. I am not going to let you waste it.

I am ready to surrender you to God to be able to self-parent you with His guidance. They are in the steps of this program which came from God’s word originally.

  1. My life was and is a mess anytime I try to excuse my behaviors.
  2. I had to come to believe I couldn’t be God and had to decide He either was or is not. He Is.
  3. I had to offer myself up and ask for help in turning my life over to God. I can not be running the show.
  4. Had to find my moral compass making a searching and fearless moral inventory. A total self-examination.
  5.  I had to admit to God myself and another human being, the exact nature of my wrongs.
  6. I had to be entirely ready to let God remove my defects of character. I have been holding a rock in my hand the entire time with bitterness, resentment, hate, and judgment. I had to drop that rock. I cannot be throwing rocks. I have to forgive people too. It only hurts me and it puts my life at peril.
  7. I have to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings, and that is no shortlist. It is an honest appraisal of my short-comings. This gets me ready to do the following. All my secrets are out whew!
  8. Make a list of all persons I have harmed a Good portion may come off that 4th step moral compass we wrote out. Don’t burn that baby.
  9. Our list will let us know who to make direct amends to where ever possible.
  10. Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong this doesn’t mean I have to wait for this step this is just a good check-in by this point we are getting ready for the next step because step 3 has now been defined by all the steps before and what remains is this:
  11. Sought Through prayer and meditation improve conscious contact with God as we understood God asking only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out!
  12. I am going to be ready to take this message to another person.

This is what is freeing you by laying it all down you got quite a few things to go. Being at step7, you do not have to hold on to the past anymore.

Anything is possible. Like they say Do not quit before the miracle happens. You have had plenty happen and many more are in your future.

I love you.

Love,

Me

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Integrity Not Only In Words But Action

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I am very excited to finally be writing tonight. I have had many technical interruptions that held me off from writing today.

There has been a series of events that happened because of my willingness to change and trust different processes along the way.

In my previous posts, you will have read about my hospitalizations and time in a rehab center following many falls from bed. Plus, there were a host of many things brought on by my health difficulties, of gaining weight, diabetes, wound ulcers swelling, and unwillingness to be hospitalized until a time it was close to the last call.

So, the very first thing I want to share is my right leg and foot are wound-free. Every wound is closed and healed on that leg and foot!

To me, that is a huge miracle! I am so thankful to God for this very thing. I am thankful to drivers’ nurses, doctors, friends, family, and support in all different ways. It took everything and everyone. I do have to keep compression wraps on that leg. But is so amazing.

The left leg and foot where the wounds are, very close to closing. They have a little way to go yet. However, it is so much better.

I left the rehab right before July 4th, 2021; It was then, I made a promise to myself and others, that nothing was going to be the same ever again.

Used by permission of meltblogs from Facebook.com

This right here is what I am replacing my negative self-talk with. Read the words in that meme picture.

I began making changes in my diet asking for help more. At the time I needed more help.

My own photo of What I prepared homemade.

There has been a mountain of changes. Exercising and working with physical therapy, walking more and more so recently. Doing my best to make life less complicated, more organized, and simpler.

I have had to clear my mind of the junk I have held onto for years. I have had to stop excuses for my behavior. It has truly become a program of action. It comes in forgiving others and learning to let myself off the hook for things that were not my fault.

In The last few weeks even, most recently, this week I have drawn some lines in the sand for myself. I have had to get real with God and my faith. I have had to admit some wrongs. I continuously take inventory of myself and even a few lingering details of my past.

I have had to return to a relationship with God built on total honesty and his mercy and grace through all my trials.

I went home and moved to a street-level apartment. I was home for two months or so. Then it was to only be back in the hospital for like a week and diagnosed with osteomyelitis.

I was doing everything I could to get off the PICC line. I was scared I would be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. I have been off antibiotics for about a few weeks now think.

The night I got home from the hospital I talked to God and said I was not ready yet.

I found out I have a whole lot of life left in me. I am making the changes, I am sharing who I am today, what I have done, and this broken mess of a life, I have been leading.

Walking With my walker “Cadillac Jack”
Photos of my walk

I am stopping the negative self-talk, the complaining about not enough. The secret thoughts, I am bringing them to light; I want to show them for what they are and to put them down.

I do want to figure out something as I heal more and more to generate an income and be able to get off government aid and disability. I want to own my own home.

The time is getting real folks! Inflation is going to eat us up.  I won’t sit by and just be quiet anymore. I am also ready to say let’s fire every single one in office as “We the People.” Because almost every single last one in the office is not for the people of this country. We are going to have to pull together no matter which side you are on and be self-sustaining people! Buy Local! I am hearing it from farmers and truckers alike. We must figure out how to replenish what we take from our communities. If we do not, we all go under.

I am getting off track but on track too!

Integrity is taking on the responsibility of my whole self and being true, through and through.

I want to live comfortably in my skin and call a spade a spade. No more hiding. No More on the fence!

I hope you enjoy the many pictures I am sharing as well.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Routine, Recovery, Gratitude, Spirituality, Integrity, and Normality

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Streetwindy on Pexels.com

Good Morning Everyone!

I am enjoying my coffee and feeling encouraged by the forecast calling for 68°.

One of my most difficult tasks is staying on track with a routine. I do have the routine of going to the doctor’s office and the visiting nurses coming in to help me take care of myself. I am very grateful for this.

Until the past few years, I never understood why a routine was so important. The thing is I crave a routine now. I am just starting at it again with waking up, making my lists, calling someone every weekday morning at 7:00 am, and drinking my coffee.

I believe it is important for me to have a few friends where we discuss recovery, spirituality, gratitude, and integrity. It gives me a normality zone to work with. But even more important, is for me to me have that same relationship with God.

One buddy gave me a detailed rundown of his routine schedule. It all begins with thinking ahead of even how to be prepared. Many people were taught this growing up. However, for some of us, it is an art that we lost along the way.

The thing I want is a life of quality and improving that quality of life. It has been proven to be the only way to do that is through having a routine.

One of the ideas that come to mind, is if insanity is defined as doing the same things over expecting different results, then sanity is doing the same things over and expecting the same results.

The catch is we have to be careful about those expectations. For me, expectations in other areas of my life can often lead to trouble. I believe I am safe, though when it comes to building and keeping a healthy routine.

I have forgotten at times how important it is to have 3-5 meals per day and that they are balanced meals. It is also important to do any exercise I possibly can do and for the most part, it is doing the cleaning and walking as much as possible.

The other thing I am going to throw into the mix is my spirituality. It is vitally important to have that intact. My spirituality has suffered much, and yet it is so necessary.

My spirituality comes in the form of my gratitude and always find at least one thing to be grateful for each day. Along with that gratitude is being truthful and hopefully having integrity. Integrity is a noble thing considered by some men.

For me, integrity is part of living life and being truthful in what I worship. It is when you have peace and have nothing to hide from anyone. I have failed utterly in many ways with integrity.

But having a routine and following healthy examples, as well as giving it all to God and asking Him for help. I believe this is the answer. It is my only hope for peace in God.

Milk may do the body well, but I need the meat and vegetables too.

At some point, the acting has to stop and action must be taken. This is necessary for a routine of healthy living to take effect. I want to always be who I say I am; otherwise, they are just words I am spouting off with no action behind them.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

My Helper’s Motivating Me To Do It

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

Hey Everybody !

Here I am again. This time I am talking about, using my caregiver as motivation for me to just do it. It is hard for me to comprehend just how set I am in my ways of doing things. I am telling you; I have higher expectations for doing a task than most are willing to do.

I am having to set reasonable boundaries; this is something brand new for me and stick to them. It makes me nervous and anxious because for me it is usually confronting something.

I remarked to her face that washing hands are important when touching food, dishes, anything, or anyone, that washing hands is important. She is temporary. Therefore, she is my motivator for me to do my own tasks.

I will just have her do things that are not in direct contact with me. I do not dread this woman; I feel sorry for her. That can be a downfall for me too. She is helping me get stronger; in the fact, I can do more for myself.

How does this fit in with gratitude, recovery, and my spiritual life? Physically, it is helping me do more and be more active. This also helps me emotionally. I have gratitude for being able to do more than I have been able to do in the last 4 years. I must slow down and think what I am going to say; and take those pauses so that I speak clearly, nicely, and still make my statements.

I feel like this helper is to teach me more about understanding rather than me being understood. However, I am also finding my voice and to live peacefully as possible.

Everything changes and I am hoping to keep changing with learning to be more tolerant.

I am loving myself today. I love my apartment and want to take care of it and me. There is more work to do on improving myself and my apartment. The main thing is keeping the promise to myself to do better. There are things I have not done well. I am keeping stock of those and trying to correct those things. They are a huge struggle. In the meantime, it is about being grateful for what has changed, and what I continue to do for improvement.

I refuse to go back to the way I once lived. One day, I hope to get the thorn out of my side and be free. I am working up to trying to get out at least once a month for something I want socially.

Even with all the help and money in the world, no one can do our work for us.

  • I am grateful for hot coffee on such a freezing morning.
  • I am grateful for changes.
  • I am grateful that I can see myself truthfully today.
  • I am grateful for my own space.
  • I am grateful for God who loves and understands me trying to better know Him amid my wrongs.
  • I am grateful I get to change my story today.
  • I am grateful for the desire to have a sincere relationship with myself.
  • I am grateful for the way out.
  • I am grateful for the different seasons and patience.
  • I am grateful there is more life, and that I get to take care of what I currently have in all things.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Asleep Behind The Keyboard Mindful of Myself

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Marcus Aurelius on Pexels.com

Hey Everybody,

I fell asleep in my office chair extremely exhausted. This week the not so pretty parts of my story have become known. The writer part of me cannot hold back what the answers are in my journey; and the spiritual side will not let me hide those things at least in general.

My goal has always been to be authentic and true to myself. To walk and be free of the bondage of self is the ultimate. I will do my best to never tell anyone’s story but my own.

I have been trying to unlearn the masking process and the pretend way of life. I had no prior knowledge of even writing this tonight. Lots of things seem to be happening that I have not planned to share. I do not share the negative parts because I am proud of them.

I have been sharing everything to finally be free, find understanding, as well as help another person.

Just maybe finally the cycle of insanity can be broken. I do believe that there are parts of our lives that can heal in the blink of an eye, but mostly a lot of my healing has come in the form of education. Taking the steps to freedom means work.

I will be the first to tell you I am lazy when it comes to working. Once I start and I am in the salt mines of these steps, I am working! I just did not realize I would take a season for each thing. I am hoping to move faster.

I have to say in my past work, I thought a lot of the amends were to everyone I shared about in previous steps. They are to a degree but a lot more are related to my shortcomings and refusal of letting go at times. I have dreams and thoughts come to me to prepare for the future of my journey. They are painful and gut-wrenching ones.

I have said I could author a book about my own life. Every one of us, could take our lives and make a movie about them. I am just not sure we would want every scene to play out in front of everyone. Thank goodness we can change. We can heal, forgive, we can be forgiven, and sweep our side of the street.

Most of what I learn is from someone else, who has been taught by someone else. The latest phrase I do have to share is simply this, learning to stay in our own lane. If I can just stay in my own lane and not be nosey about your lane, I will do well.

My goodness! My own lane has enough work, without me wanting to stick my nose in where it does not belong! This does not mean we stop communication; we just keep the necessary boundaries and be supportive when we can.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

My One Word For The Year 2022

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Happy New Year!

I am happy to be writing to you after a long silence.

For the past few years instead of doing resolutions I have been picking one word for the year. It has usually been a group of us updating and checking in with each other.

Busy lives and the changes with Covid, I have personally used it as an excuse to not check-in. But now I really want and need those check-ins.

2021, had fallen and rose just as my chest rises and falls. Believe me, I really want to forge ahead but not forgetting my lessons I have learned as well.

I will not keep making promises and breaking them as has been my record in writing and other things. There are circumstances that are beyond my control at present that may limit me from being able to get my entries into my blog.

My solution so far, is that I would be able to do a bunch and upload them at least bi-weekly.

Now that I have detoured from the subject at hand, let me get back to the subject of one word.

Words are powerful and can be life-changing. Words are used to tear down or build up. They can add to beautiful things or take away the beauty. Lives are built on words. In fact, I choose to believe this entire world was created with words. Yet lives have also been destroyed words.

We all get to choose our words and how they might be used. My Mama has said to me, that I may wish to think hard and choose my words wisely. I also get that same advice from others and I have passed it along, myself.

The word I have chosen is “seek”. I hope to really find the truth in what all I do seek.

There are things, I have not had to seek to find the truth. Rather, it was accepted and facing the truth even when painful and other things are just by sheer joy and beauty.

Sometimes the days seem so long, harsh, and seeking out the truth and holding on is all we have.

The advice for all time is we may not like everything we find in hearing or seeing for ourselves. But that is when we find gratitude in just having the experience. Having the experience is life.

I want the good stuff. The good stuff is in the truth I seek. That does not mean there are not ugly truths as well. We can only change what is ugly inside of us and we all have some ugly in us.

We would not be human, otherwise.

Everything is a day at a time. Sometimes it is a heart neat at a time. We breathe in and we breathe out. Sometimes I forget to breathe and then other times I just do it without thinking.

There is so much to try to put in me that I want. There are negative and ugly parts to rid me of, to let more in. I hope to pour more out of me along this journey.

Peace out to all!

Thanks for reading!


This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Sowing And Reaping Our Harvest With Thanksgiving

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

I am here because I started out the past few times wanting to go into the thanksgiving or gratitude season. It seems always there was another topic trumping that in the spirit of my writing. Here we are finally.

I have thought so much about this over the past couple of months. I need to concentrate on the positive and always find gratitude during all circumstances. That is not always easy. I fail much of the time. But that is when I pray and talk to others to get myself rightly adjusted again.

I know that each year I am harvesting whatever I have sown in my life I reap the good and the bad both. While it is apparent, I am a slow learner as I think in everything there is a lesson to learn and take away.

I have learned in the past year about what it means to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned that I must ask for the right kind of help. I am learning more about being initiative-taking in caring for myself.

I have grieved over a bunch of bad choices. I had to reap what I sowed. It has not always been great or always finding myself on a spiritual mountain top. In fact, I thought it was the beginning of losing my faith and hope. I found out this was the result of losing my faith and hope.

I am blessed in the face of it all. In my journey, God always seems to supply faith and hope. It has been through other people that are placed in my life.

One of the important things I have learned is in communicating with others to be more informative and a little more specific. Today I am honored to be trusted with others’ words. Together we find a solution or work towards finding one.

Today I have people who help me in the right ways and not just what I may want.

I am grateful for both the tears and the laughter. I am grateful for the lessons and that I still have a long way to go. It means I have a lot of living left to do. It means I get to help others even just listening. I get to identify with others and relate to them.

I am grateful I get to recover from my soul sickness. It is like a roller coaster. When I am unable to tell myself to stop there is God and others to help me. It truly is a journey sometimes is wild.

It is my connection with God and others that make this journey rewarding and special. I want a grateful heart, always looking for the good in everyone and everything. This is when you know the joy of life.

I am grateful for the harvest of this year despite the loss and scares. God is here.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Having Clarity And Living Life On Purpose

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
By Mantas Hesthaven Pexels

Hi Everybody,

Every day is the opportunity for gratitude and giving thanks for thanks for our very lives.

I am not perfect, I screw up. The difference is I get to go back and make things right to the best of my ability. I get that opportunity with every breath of life in me.

The hope is that I will take more pauses, before doing something I must correct. My hope is that I will use love and tolerance as a way of life. I do want a brand new me inside out. Often, this does seem impossible.

I want to see, feel, and experience the beauty in life again. I get the opportunity to pack in the stream of life today whatever contribution I can do and not just be a taker.

Sometimes to really live it you must keep taking those pauses, question yourself longer, make mistakes, or even totally do it wrong. That is until you admit it does not feel good to keep doing wrong.

My way does not work. My way keeps me isolated from those I love and inside my own head alone. The suggestions of another way of what one hundred people took long ago frees me if I choose to take those same suggestions. They are a choice to make each day.

I was told early on the suggestions boil down to is trust God. clean house and help others. Ask God for help each morning and thanking God each night.

I will say to truly live it does not mean just mouthing words or becoming a parrot. I personally tried every wrong way there is to do. I have been told if I ask God to help me direct my thinking, I might have a chance at not being sucked into the bitter morass of self-pity.

It takes work and consistency. I must be honest; work and consistency are not my strong suits. I get better the more I practice it in living this life.

The work and consistency come from having a routine and taking suggestions offered. My way does not work. It never worked. My way has just been a coping mechanism.

I have wanted to reap the benefits of feeling safe and secure without doing the work. I am an impatient person. When someone says it takes more than two weeks, it can cut deep, because then I know that someone has my number.

It sucks to get called out on the very things I do. It will go a lot easier if I cop to it right from jump. Doing the work for me means being vulnerable. Left to my own devices I will destroy myself. That is why I need the tools and to do the work.

Every time I refuse the routine, I am refusing the work and it is just now clicking.

This has been a piece I have been working on for a week thinking it would only take an hour to finish edit and post.

I have been living out this blog post entry by both doing some work and refusing to do the work. It does not stop there. I have stuffed emotions and cried bitter tears. It is seeing how far sickness dwells in myself.

Not every bit of work we do makes us feel better. We must swallow the bitter pill and then become free; of the harm we do after we have taken the solution which are the steps in trusting the process.

Every step is a choice we make. We are either stepping into freedom or away from freedom.

In every situation there is my reasoning and motivation to judge. It is suggested, I have another help study those two things with me to keep me honest. This is how I get to live in my own skin today.

Once I am honest, I can take it to God and be free of the wrong motives and be helpful to another human being. Finally packing back into the stream of life.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!