What Will I Do Until The End

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Hi Everyone,

I am glad to be on my second day of writing.  I am hoping to make some sense and to grow into a human being that isn’t just sucking life’s air.  I have been in some type of recovery, for what feels like my whole life. I just want to do my best today and maybe have a plan with reasonable goals.

This journey as I have said before, is messy at best. I do some how keep getting up and pushing forward. I figure my life span is somewhere between 7 and 20 years left. I hope I will have left a legacy somehow, even without having children of my own.

I don’t want the end of my life to be just a few words and then finished. Otherwise then it would seem it was just a prison sentence, right?

A book is not quite enough either. I think it must be real changes and hard work.

The challenges before me are difficult. Its physical, emotional, and spiritual. It’s more than any song. It’s more than weeping bitter-sweet.

It’s about taking my thoughts captive and taming my tongue and flesh. Its trusting in God and allowing Him to take control when I am strong or weak.

The questions I now must answer are:

  1. What are my goals?
  2. What makes me happy?
  3. Where is God at in my life?
  4. Is God evident to others in how I am living?
  5. What is my responsibility today?
  6. Can I or have I truly let go of past hurts and wounds?
  7. What can I do in helping others mend?
  8. Have I stopped hurting and wounding others?

I must find these answers inside myself. We do have to ask ourselves the hard questions to be totally open and honest. Otherwise, there is no solid foundation.

Some days I feel like I am adrift much the way in the movie, Castaway with Tom Hanks and Wilson.  I don’t want my life to end just barely keeping my head above water.

I know there’s life out there. I want to show I have lived and left something good behind. I used to think I knew what that something is.

I am not so sure I know anymore. I am going to have to dig and see what I can come up with. I hope you continue to see me on my journey.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful for my life and the ability change.
  2. I am thankful for everyone who is and has been a part of my life.
  3. I am thankful for the time to write.
  4. I am thankful for honesty from others and that I get to be honest with myself today.
  5. I am thankful for medical transporters, EMT’s, home health aides, doctors, nurses, custodians, truckers, teachers, fast food workers, store associates, policemen, firemen, correction officers, therapists, and all of whom are taking risks to be of service.
  6. I am thankful for solitude verses loneliness.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to contemplate what the rest of my life might look like.
  8. I am thankful for siblings.
  9. I am thankful for my mom and her husband.
  10. I am thankful for mercy and grace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

Everyday A Chance To Change My Story

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Good Morning Everyone,

I am a day behind and it’s okay. I will hopefully get caught up with a second posting this afternoon.

This morning I am sitting here drinking my coffee and listening to hymns by Selah and thinking about my morning gathering around the tables. How grateful and wonderfully awesome is the chance for change.

Everyday is the chance to change my story. I am thinking about the strength and hope others have given me, as well as them sharing their experience.

I know I am not sharing much about the book right now. Maybe my experience is just what’s important to share right now.

I have been considering the past few months, how far away I am from the God of my understanding and as I don’t understand Him. Please don’t try to correct me on this because, the God of my understanding tells me there is a mystery I don’t understand.

After all a power greater than me and an all-knowing presence …There has to be more than I understand or can ever comprehend. It’s the God connection that changes my story.

You can get as angry as you want, I am finally surrendering to the fact I can’t ever know all there is to this. I am not shoving it down your throat, this is my experience.

I am not sure I can ever go back to the child understanding of God. Each hymn takes me back to childhood part of me and it also raises inside of me, a belief stronger than I have had in maybe, years.

What? Am I supposed to leave this out of my experience, because it might make others uncomfortable? It’s part of my journey! Whether you realize it or not, all of you are part of my journey and so is every experience.

It’s all still piece-meal for me, accepting truths a little bit at a time.

What I do know is the simple part. Striving to wake up each morning and asking God to direct my thinking that I would not be sucked into self-pity or false pride. Asking for God for protection and care to keep me away from a drink.

I need help doing the next right thing, as well as what I can do for someone else.

Throughout the day asking God to help me pause in difficult times or when I am tempted to be angry saying the prayer to save me from being angry. Yes, there’s a lot I need saved from and it always seems to be, being broken down enough to ask for help.

I cannot do it on my own. By the same token though, no one can do the steps or the foot work for me.

It also means pausing before I speak or do anything. The three questions always to consider is it kind, is it necessary, and is it helpful.

At night remembering to go over my day would be key as well. Making sure I have corrected any wrong along the way. I am a slow learner at this. Then finally saying a prayer of thanks for one more day. The bottom line, if I do my part God can’t help but do His part.

We are now back at the beginning, where we started with the first 100 people. They each woke up each day, having the chance to change their story. Just for today I can do this with God and everyone else.

Thank you for reading! This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all!

To Thine Own Self Be True Always

Hi Everyone!

Today was a rather busy day. I first had to deal with medical and physical issues the first half of the day. It was one of those mornings where it was hard to get up on time. But I trudged through today.

I still read in my book. However, I feel it more important to share about my day, along the journey. Part of recovery is building friendships and being open to allow the day to unfold as it will. The friendship and fellowship are all part of staying connected.

I was so blessed today in a few ways just sharing with others in person. Being clean and sober is so much better when you can honestly share with others. We get to share and be as open as we want. I find sharing everything from the gut and where we honestly stand now, is so helpful in a way to remember to be grateful.

Once you have a few 24 hours under your belt you can even see in yourself some growth just by sharing. When you’re not down in the dumps and you can find that gratitude, you learn that you can be happy and celebrate with others, in their growth as well.

In the near half day mark, I took time to share with my driver and friend. Maybe I should say he took the time more so. It did help clarify things and though this person may not necessarily be at the gatherings, just having that human contact is helpful.

When I got sober the saying used to be to “wear life like a loose coat.”  Don’t take everything so serious. Especially, we shouldn’t take ourselves so seriously. The point is growth and we don’t have to be all doom and gloom.

After all part of recovery is learning to enjoy life and with a purpose. (Man, I hope I am hearing myself, right now!)

In the latter part of the afternoon, a friend came over she cut my hair and did a wonderful job. I didn’t have to explain much. But even doing stuff like this is like trusting people. Learning to trust each other is a gift. The chance to be trusted is also a gift. The great thing is we all share when you really become part of, rather than just being around.

This evening was even more special as my therapist came for a one on one time. If you’re anything like me, you need all the help you can get through therapy. I received my 15-year coin of sobriety. It meant so much to me that he presented it. I cannot wait to take it to my gatherings to pass it around the tables.

This therapist I have saw some of the me that used to be. He has also seen me through the years go through valleys and mountain tops. Tonight, I just needed the reminder I wasn’t alone. No matter how old we get and even though we know we aren’t alone, we just sometimes need that reminder.

Now that I have written it all out, I can see I had reminders all day. I was never alone. I am grateful for that today. To Thine Own Self Be True.

Thanks for reading. This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless y’all !

 

 

 

My Journey is About Progress Rather Than Perfection

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Hi Everyone!

I just have to keep writing. I couldn’t get what I wanted to write about into words. Instead, I am sharing my experience today. I want to be intentional and do better. I also want to be better.

I guess I am amazed because every time I think I am going to write on a subject, or use it to chair a meeting, it gets switched. Today I am not sure if it’s God or if I just let myself run out of time.

Maybe a bit of both happened. I am thinking God can use our weaknesses and make something beautiful out of it.

It was a really long day I was trying forever to get caught up on a few things. I also wanted to help someone else. I found myself being helped a lot too. What an amazing day, even though I could feel my energy just being drained.

It was time for my ride, and I felt so unprepared, but I grabbed my stuff and went out the door. I am very grateful for rides today. They help me stay connected. We also get time to share before and after each gathering.

Tonight, someone made me realize it was important to share my anniversary/birthday, even though it felt repetitious.

I also learned what I share matters. It can mean so much to someone relatively new, to know others have stayed clean and sober longer than twenty-four hours.

In spite of everything I have still grown, and someone’s been trying to get me to see that. Sure, maybe I have a lot of work still but compared to how I once was. I can put some words together and possibly say a prayer, and every once in a while, even pause.

I am not quitting on myself today. I want to keep going forward even when I get tired.

A long time ago a friend handed me a card with his phone number on it. On the back of the card, it read me, and my friends don’t hurt each other or ourselves today. We still learn today that we do sometimes hurt others and ourselves today.

We just try not to hurt ourselves or others today. I am guilty of both. I keep searching for the next right thing to do.

Sometimes the next right thing to do seems like a tall order this is why we need to stay connected. I can’t do it alone. I do have to do the work and the piper will come, if I ignore my behavior.

Part of what I can do is carry this part of the message and share my journey along the way as living amends. I cannot change without mending my ways. Finally, I just realized as I am writing this, it takes a lot of grace!

I do want to share with you there is a way out of our self-destructive, messed up ways. There is hope and we have to hang on to it and be willing to take the steps out of the insanity.

The last thing I want to say in this entry is that one day is just as important as someone who has 5, 10, or even 15 years. It works. We can start for hope’s door anytime we choose to.

Thank you for reading! As I’ve mentioned I have Facebook Page Boxcar Mike search for me on Facebook and if you want to be friends let me know on that page or drop a comment here and let me know your name. If you just add me without me knowing you, then I will suspect more spam.

This here Boxcar Mike, over and out! God bless y’all everybody!

 

 

Alcoholism Two-fold A Physical Craving and A Mental Obsession

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I haven’t stopped reading. I have not posted in a bit though. I apologize for that.

Chapter four of the book, “A Program for You” has been hard for me to put into my own words. I think its is extremely important to always go back to the source. The truth is a lot of stuff is repetitive. It is important to repeat because so much gets said that another person said.

This is why going back to the source is necessary, at least for me. I don’t feel I can fully comprehend things without having that source.

I think for me for years I saw the disease of alcoholism as an allergy and that would be my excuse once more for saying things are not my fault. This is only a half truth. I am responsible for my own actions. Once I am armed with the truth of the disease, I am even more so, responsible.

The disease described as an allergy is twofold. The first part is the physical craving brought on by the first drink. The second part of it being an obsession. This can be arrested by following a simple program.

As I read this with understanding now, it is clicking in how it works. I have to keep going back to the doctor’s words. I have never been able to just trust that someone said something, that someone else said. I think the bottom line to this has always been, since I don’t trust myself, I sure can’t trust others either. Not on their words alone.

You’ll hear it said over and over, it is one of the diseases that will tell you, you don’t have the disease.

Let me just state, I have deep distrust and dislike for doctors in general. I will also say some are miracle workers that go above and beyond their calling. That said, there is something to this Dr William D. Silkworth.

As we read later on in Bill’s Story, it all began with Ebbie T. from the Oxford Groups, a friend of Bill’s. He was hopeless and would be committed to an asylum for the rest of his life if not, for the doctor. Because of his story and getting to share that with Bill. The proof that came from doctor’s opinion resulted in over 100 people recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind.

Alcoholics are those that have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. Its not that I have this abnormal reaction that makes me a victim, sinful, bad, weak, or wrong. It just is.

I have shared with a couple people and gathered with several people this week.

For most of my childhood I lived in the country. I suppose that’s in fact drawn me to the country and that way of life. Most of my drinking was done in the country, after coming of age and few years before. I have always loved country songs and been to many dances etc.

There’s one country song that came out since I have been sober. It makes me think back to when I drank. It talks about the genie in the bottle and how she lies to you. I bought a bunch of lies and have told several myself. Today I want the truth and need to really be recovered.

I am powerless over alcohol my life is unmanageable. But again, alcohol is but a symptom too. More on that later.

Day 8 3 things grateful for  21 days to rewiring my brain to be happy

  1. I am grateful for the Doctor’s Opinion
  2. I am grateful for fellowship
  3. I am grateful to write.

I will probably start the 21-day challenge over next month in hopes to stay on tract. However, in order to write. I am still going to post 3 things I am grateful for. I find it motivating.

Thanks for reading another blog post entry of Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

 

Checking Your Foundation and Getting Real

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Hello Again, Everyone!

As I have stated in another post; I believe I did anyway. I am going through the 12 steps again and in preparation I am actually trying to do what is necessary.

It’s no secret I am an alcoholic and addict. The disease of alcoholism is a progressive one.

I think it’s important to take every suggestion that one has the ability to do. If you can’t I truly believe surrounding yourself with good, quality sobriety is the best way to make it possible. We cannot do this thing alone.

I also believe it all has to be done by design of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I am sure many may balk at this. I admit I am using Hazelden’s workbooks, but they are the ones guided by The Big Book and the Book written by two anonymous authors, “A Program for You.”

Today I just read the first chapter and it is jam packed full of facts of exactly how AA began and how the Big Book even came into print, by the first 100 people. Thank goodness for The Oxford Groups and Ebby T bringing the message of hope to Cofounder of AA Bill W.

In this first chapter we learn we learn that the disease is two-fold physical and mental illness. It is a disease that will tell us we don’t have a disease. Yet, we end up in the same situations because nothing changes.

This describes nothing less than insanity when we keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. There are so many things this applies to, or so I believe.

We cannot recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind without a spiritual experience. Many experiences though I believe are more of the educational variety as opposed to the lightening bolts and flashes of light. In alcoholism it is the drink that takes the next drink because we get the craving for it and wanting that first euphoria.

While I am almost 15 years clean and sober, I feel that I have a had a break in my spiritual foundation caused by myself. I believe the only way top fix the said foundation is to go back to the beginning of recovery.

It starts even before the admission of defeat this round. Thank goodness, I didn’t need to go back out and drink or use more!

There is no shame in going back and fixing the foundation of your whole system. What would be shameful and sad, even heart breaking for many of my friends, loved ones and myself is to go back out and throw everything away.

I would die never knowing I could be happy, joyous, and free. Today, I know I want to fix the foundation.

It all starts with being honest with yourself, God, and others. Or if you prefer a power greater than yourself. Early on they told me when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. The big motivator is pain.

Pain will drive you to your knees and make you start praying in ways, you haven’t ever thought about maybe ever, or in many years.

One of the things that really made me think was when I was sharing about my anger someone shared with me and others how they watched a person go backward before they died.

The rawness of this disease is you don’t have to take another drink to die from it. I don’t want that to be my legacy. Its time to let of the pain, anger, and even shame.

Day 4 of 3 things to be grateful for in 21 days

  1. My Friend Kassi
  2. Learning Solutions
  3. I am not alone today

This is me getting real! Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog entry post by BoxcarMike over and out God Bless Everybody!

 

I am Powerless But I Can Change Me

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Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to Boxcarmike! I hope you enjoy following me in my journey. I have missed a day or two of writing so I may end up making up a day or two of my writing because I have limitations. That’s just the way I am going to roll with this.

I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. The only thing I can change is me.

Its when you realize its beyond addiction or any other sickness, it’s a soul sickness! You have become hardened, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get tired enough you become willing to change as only the dying can be willing enough to change. You beg for any direction to change.

When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. This is so true in my case. The how of it is honest, open minded, and willing. Lets try that again.

Honest

Open minded

Willing

See its all right there in how it works. I am powerless over the past, but I can start my day over anytime I want. Moving forward starts with the first step. For me the first step does still involve my attitude towards alcohol and reminiscing in thoughts of the romance, I once had with it.

You see I became sick and, in my isolation, and getting more tired and sick today. I realize I still grieve for it too. You don’t even realize you’re drowning at the time and so close to going back.

Its time to be honest, open minded, and willing. I haven’t had to do drink or do anything, but I am here to tell you the relapse starts in the mind. I am also here to tell you; the relapse doesn’t have to happen.

But the question always remains am I now willing to listen. Again, I believe it has to be only as willing as the dying can be to change their ways to recover.

The disease of alcoholism can be fatal if not treated. It’s a progressive disease. The disease if you allow it, it will isolate you. I am blessed! I was thrown a rope to tie a knot and hang on to.

Here’s the deal. No one can drag you the whole way. You can be brought to safety.  This is where hope begins. A whole new world can be opened up if, I am only honest, open-minded and willing.

I had to write a letter to my dad accepting his death. Not because I was just told to, but because I needed to do it for me and finally acknowledging his death.

I bring this up because I now see how it’s important, I finally tell alcohol it’s no longer a choice of reminiscing because that romance is only a dance right back to the disease and it will kill me if I allow it. I will kill me If I allow it.

There’s been lots of grieving in my life and it started at a young age of twelve years old and wishing for the guts and a gun to end it all. That’s the real truth of it all. I am an alcoholic and addict. The problem is me and its time to take the trash to the curb once and for all.

I am done grieving just for today!

3 things I am grateful for 21 day challenge:

  1. Friends who tell me the truth
  2. Tears that release years of pain
  3. For the how in the steps I am now ready to take to heal

Thank you for reading another blog post entry of BoxcarMike Over and out! God Bless you Everybody!