help

My One Word For 2023 Is Consistency

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Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is cold here in Southeast, Missouri at 29°. It is feeling like winter for sure. Christmas weekend is predicted to be cold. I do not feel ready for that kind of wintry weather. However, ready, or not I am certain sooner rather than later Winter will make its presence known.

This weekend I am being productive in getting my carpets cleaned. I started getting a schedule started for 2023 on my calendars, so I do not feel rushed at the beginning of the new year to put everything in the calendars.

It is a clever idea to have a plan together to arrange transportation when needed. It also helps me to understand my schedule so I can give a fair answer to others wanting to schedule me into their plans. It is mostly dealing with the professionals of doctors and visits from health care workers. It also allows me the freedom to schedule time for myself.

I want to do whatever I can to create less stress for myself. It helps me not become angry and ready to scream. I need to be able to do things at my speed and not just be pushed. Pushing myself is better than someone else doing it for me. I do admit sometimes it is important that I reevaluate my speed.

I am striving for less stress and tension and reminding myself it is not the end of the world if my plans do not pan out.

I am just now continuing this blog post entry, this Wednesday Morning with my fresh hot cup of coffee. I began this entry a few days ago.

I talk big for plans most of the time but bringing everything to fruition is a whole other ball game.

I believe the key thing for me is to have smaller goals and to be consistent with the steps to completing those goals in 2023.

What I am discovering and have discovered over and over is being consistent with a smaller list of goals brings better results than doing a larger list never gets completed. There is so much I am behind on, and I want to do better overall rather than just do enough to scrape by.

In the men’s group, I attend we talked about the fact of trying a process once or twice and failing.

The reasons for falling back are not working through the process and our destructive thoughts.

The first thing in many instances is that we do not know the process until we have fully worked through the process. Our destructive thoughts include worrying, timidity, and thinking we are not good enough. We give up before we ever succeed.

When we freeze up, our destructive actions come into play indecisiveness and procrastination.

Committing to the process and giving everything, we have is what is going to get us to grow and succeed.

I am ready for a change to stick to and to keep growing. I do not want to keep falling back and keep starting over.

One of the most freeing things said that jumped out to me from my latest meeting: “What may be a part of my story is not who I am today!”

I am not giving up today!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

What Is It Costing Me To Not Change?

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My Baked Ziti December 10th, 2022

Hey, Y’all!

I was baking this afternoon into the early evening making my Baked Ziti. I have the spices, meat, and sauce down okay. I still need more practice before I have this recipe down.

As I boiled the noodles, I thought about how each ingredient goes in the recipe to produce a great taste. It did turn out good; it just was not that makes you want to slap your mama taste!

As I was mixing the ingredients I was thinking about each task, person, belief, routine, quality, trait, and gift that makes up our life.

I am having to do a reset even as I write this post. Today has been a total stop-and-reset day so I can write. It takes that meditation time and getting in my zone with God, Whom I have avoided concerning my me time. Dealing with my behavior and thoughts by myself in my choices.

I cannot even pray without getting in the meditation time. Here lately, it has been doing the autopilot self-will run riot just briefly pausing at times and other times not so much. My greatest accomplishment is making the daily check-ins with one person for all five working days I do believe.

I did do check-ins with two other guys for as much as I could with time, or if I were not falling asleep at the wheel you know.

The thing is, I can call upon God for others usually without a problem. However, doing my daily check-in with God has been far away. Thus, here I am resetting.

What does it cost me not to change?

It has cost me my deep meaningful time with God. It has cost me using the right judgment in situations that may have hurt other people and myself by making a stupid mistake in just joking.

It cost me not to state boundaries clearly. I have given others the free pass by saying people will be people. The cost of boundaries crossed is resentment and seething. Yes, this is getting the honesty out because it makes you want to scream!

Everything is happening so fast and in slow motion at the same time and I am saying to myself (did you see what that so and so did, and you did nothing!), oh heck, no! Son of a biscuit eater!

The hardest part is in not forgiving myself and burying one more thing as I seethe.

As it comes up and is pointed out by others then I end up screaming because what am I supposed to do now? It costs a person their sanity and peace of mind.

Change is of utmost importance; it is the path of my growth journey. We can stop raising our red flags to get smacked with some of the stuff that happens to us if we put down our pride and get real.

I want to do the passive role and not make waves. Instead, I make jokes, use sarcasm, and do anything to deflect from the reality of hurt.

This is not to say that I have not grown, I have. It is another growing pain. It is a bump in the road along my journey, which has distracted me.

It takes a reset to call out things for yourself. It costs a high price until you are willing to face reality.

You cannot lay down anything you do not acknowledge; you just bury it until it gets dealt with. You may think you have control just make sure you are not in self-destruct mode.

My journey constantly involves taking a personal inventory of how I interact with life. I hope to make clear boundaries and be mindful when they are crossed. In turn, I can communicate assertively when or if someone has crossed a boundary.

When the first thirty years of your life have been nomadic, you tend to not have clear lines where things start and end. I have never stayed on the same property for longer than five years. I have stayed where I live presently for six and a half years. Because of an absolute must, I have changed apartments, but it is on the same property.

It is five days later as I wrap up this blog post entry.

I am blessed and have much to be thankful for and always room for more growth.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Dude, Where Is Your Peaceful Joy?

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Let the dominoes lay where they fall! I will pick them up one at a time. I cannot get them all at once because that is taking on too much. I can only deal with one thing at a time. Since it is only one, it means getting my peace and joy back.

I have the door open for fresh air and my worship music going to help me combat the insanity taking place outside my door as I write. I pray silently inside.

I have not written since Thursday of last week followed by two different snowfalls of insignificant amounts that were unexpected. I keep letting things interrupt me. I am bothered by not being back one hundred percent since my stay in the hospital.

Here I am, two or three weeks later. I have my coffee at almost 10 am, with a breakfast of scrambled eggs, butter, and red plum jam toast. I am running way behind. This breakfast tastes good.

I am still healing and will share more positive notes on that soon.

This week is bittersweet as I have my private way of saying goodbye to a friend who left this world and mixed it with the Holiday of Thanksgiving. I have so much gratitude in my heart for this friend of mine, Millie. She and I shared many meals and watched ballgames together.

Millie was always thankful and lived a life that way as she was proud of and loved her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

It saddens my heart she is gone but grateful she made the world a better place for anyone alone.

Finally, here we are back at the question that started this entry. Dude, where is your peaceful joy?

I get off track and 30let 03other things blind me. Anger hurts, and I lose touch with myself. I must keep current and when I fail my routine, I lose that peaceful joy.

Today I am hearing the music once more, as it plays in the background, and it is bringing me peace.

I must keep grounded and do my absolute best at staying in my twenty-four hours. It is in doing the next right remembering to have and living out my life in thankfulness for the gift of each day.

It is a gift to be able to live today and not fall apart and be inconsolable. I never understood how selfish that can be when others need more from me.

Grieving is a tricky thing that can keep you on a slippery slope that just can keep you trapped. I have been wrapped up in myself enough. It comes down to priorities and keeping up with a plan that keeps me more balanced.

I am ready to do better for myself and still allow time for me to heal fully.

I cannot afford the time for anxiety. If only, taking the suggestions offered adds something to the life I want to live and the person I grow to be.

It is time to get up and act for the day.

Find your gratitude today and live it out.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Catching Up In The Spirit Of Writing

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The Bluffs I never tire from seeing them.

Hey, Y’all!

I am still recovering, and it is all looking good in comparison to where everything was. The appointments get overwhelming after a while.

I keep breaking promises to myself and others regarding my writing. I wanted to do my laundry, but my body gave out just gathering it up. I decided to let someone help me and take over the laundry today and instead I would catch up with writing.

I am playing some soft worship music as I write, and it is helping me be at peace and I feel more peaceful with everything around me.

Spiritually I feel like I am at a tug of war with life. Emotionally I have been anxious and experiencing panic attacks which have made me crazy.

Change stays constant, at least around me it is always changing.

I am doing my best to keep up with my Mama she is in my eyes so sweet, tender, strong, and fragile, all at the same time. I am finding it is no picnic for anyone but if you do what you do with love it becomes a joy in the labor of love. It brings peace and rests even as it takes a toll on the body.

My heart is heavy because inside I see the broken mess that I seem to hold on to while letting go and picking up the pieces seems so hard to do. It is how we gain strength or so, that I am beginning to believe.

I am stronger than I once was, and I will gain more strength as I grow

I pay my bills today and I am doing all I can to help myself. Everything gets more expensive, and it takes all I can to get through each month. But when things are paid, I can rest easy.

As people we always want more but learning to live within your means when things are stretched makes sleep easier.

I am sitting here in my living room/office area with the door open and the window raised with the sun shining bright in the 70s temperature-wise. It is so beautiful outside. This is priceless weather and a beautiful setting.

I enjoy having this time to myself to write and just be at peace.

I have whined a lot inside myself about feeling abandoned at times, but people are still there loving me for me. When you can say all this to yourself honestly, you have love and gratitude.

  1. I am grateful for the love and gratitude I feel in my heart and soul.
  2. I am grateful for God and His love for me.
  3. I am grateful for peace and joy.
  4. I am grateful for two gentlemen I met while waiting for a ride home from an appointment. One guy was named John, he gave me Hall’s cough drop and told me of his belief. Another man named Joe needed my help and had a rough life like I once lived. I told Him he was loved, and I loved him as my brother. I gave him what he said he needed, and he was incredibly grateful he smiled wide. It did my heart good. (A merry heart does good like medicine).
  5. I am grateful for everyone who has helped me and given me help.
  6. I am grateful for those who care for me by talking to me, transporting me, physically caring for me, and medically tending to my needs. Those who help me so much emotionally and with laughter and tears.
  7. I am grateful my life is full of so much more than tears and fears.
  8. I am grateful for the ability to choose calm.
  9. I am grateful for pauses and reminders along the way in my journey.
  10. I am grateful to be hopeful.

While my life is not constantly in a state of peace it is good to know peace today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

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The Truths Of Your Shortomings To Get Past Them

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Leadington, Missouri July 19th, 2022

Hey, Y’all!

I am here again today using my life experience along my journey in what it takes to get things done. In my experience, I must call out the truth of my shortcomings to myself, God, and a trusted person.

If I can call out the truth, then it can help me get past whatever it is and do what I need to do for that day. Each day is a new challenge and sometimes repetitiveness happens. Regardless, I must get things done. I cannot have a bunch of half-done things and rest well. I am not sure anyone rests when things are half-done

Like it or not there is a routine in my mind, and I try to put it on paper daily. I check off each item as I complete it. I also have a digital and I have my physical calendar, to look at and mark off each day and the main events with a big X.

Every day feels like a time management process. If I do not have things written or printed out, I end up spinning my wheels, wasting time when I could get it done, and feeling as though I can rest, at the end of the day.

I am picking back up here now, Wednesday Morning. Yesterday was a day unto itself. I had an eye doctor appointment, so I could get my eyes evaluated for new glasses. I am far-sighted and thankfully only a little worse.

Getting back to the subject of calling myself out on my shortcomings. It is important so that I can be okay. This morning I had a conversation with someone about the power of letter writing as well. I thought to myself as we hung up, I need to write a letter to myself and figure out where I am going.

I cannot stay, and not move. I must keep growing and improving on where I want to go and who I want to be.

It is a continuous journey once we decide to let go of the stuff that holds us back from self-betterment and or growing into the person we want. I know I am created for more than I am now.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

This World Is Too Much With Us

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A photo I took out by Bismarck Lake Bismarck, MO

Hey Y’all,

I am back. I am recovering from being sick and it has been challenging to say the least. I did enjoy my birthday, as it was one of the best!

The topic at hand grabbed my heart in the past week or so. I was watching a cooking show and saw someone had a devotion book with the title on the page that read: “This World Is Too Much With Us.”

When I saw the title, I instantly imagined God saying that out in the open as a statement.

I see God as the Ultimate Parent in my world. I see God as The Creator. I see God as love and the Spiritual Being or Divine One.

God in my eyes had rules and expectations, but most of all God had a plan. That plan included us. My views keep changing but the constant is that God loves me accepts me, created me, sees me as enough, and provides for me. He always provides a way out if I look for it. I find myself when going through a difficult time, that Life was never meant to be this hard! There has to be an easier way!

I know when I begin a new adventure I will spend my energy foolishly, thinking if I just start full force with all I have I will plow through with no problem. But it does become a problem because I get worn out realizing I must start at the beginning once more.

It seems when we are the most worn is when we are needed most or that we need to be needed. We want to fulfill some impossible tasks. Because we want to help in some way, be a part of, and build a bridge to make it easier for others as well as ourselves.

We keep hoping for an easier softer way. The reality is if we just do what is in front of us to do is the easier way. The other way just becomes a way of using and being used up. It is like using some unearned credit to make it for what we think might be an easy ride up the mountain. What I fail to realize is that unearned credit is going to be time to be paid back plus interest. This is what living life on credit or a bartering system is like. Because in the very beginning we start using scales that are not balanced, It is just like gambling. Only we do it with our very lives, The house always what? The house always wins! We lose more than what we were supposed to gain.

The ways of this world just do not work. In the faint distance, I can hear my mom and dad calling after me. “We never meant that for you!” In the same way, I hear God today saying: “It was supposed to be easier, did you not hear my instructions? Did you not listen? I never meant that harm to you. That was not my plan for you!”

This world will use you up, chew you up, and spit you out. We get used up trying to find an easier, softer way.

Being on this journey means doing what is in front of me. Letting go of my expectations of what I think the instructions mean and following the instructions makes it easier. I see more beauty in life when I find my gratitude.

Safety comes when I just do my part and it becomes an easier mountain climb just one foot in front of the other. God has been here the whole time. This World is too much with us.

In the end, this is how we walk each other home. My Mama is calling for supper time … I just heard her…”Michael, Michael, Its’ time to come home!” Be there in a minute Ma!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all!

Confronting Every Aspect of My Life’s Hypocrisy

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Walthers Park DeSoto Missouri 2016

Hey, Y’all!

I am here and we have some new viewers and new followers. I welcome you all and I hope everyone feels free to comment and post.

I also added one new page of links to this blog “Cooking Shows And Other Favorites.”

I am excited with today’s topic continuing where I kind of strayed off-topic with integrity. I took a break from it. Without further droning on.

Here, we go!

Hypocrisy would mean lacking integrity. Saying I believe one way and then acting differently. However, I would be preaching to others the importance of holding up a moral code. One I did not follow myself, therefore making me a hypocrite.

I decided after a talk with my mama to look up the definition of integrity I ended up with a good summarization of the word after surfing the internet. One plain definition in just plain talk is, behaving in such a way that one does the right thing even when no one is watching.

A quote shared with me is and found spot on.

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. It’s choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. It’s choosing to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”

— Brené Brown, via twitter.com Dare To Lead

Definition of integrity

1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: INCORRUPTIBILITY

2: an unimpaired condition: SOUNDNESS

3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: COMPLETENESS

Cited from: Merriam-Webster Dictionary

My self-examination and inventory of my life over the years have finally gotten me to scream to myself; “your words and your actions must match up to have any quality of life.”

The things I have had to look and test with are the quotes below:

  1. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  George S. Patton
  2. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” Stephanie Lahart
  3. “Is it true, is it kind, or is it necessary?” Socrates

I have had to look at my life and something helped that I took hard at the time was when a friend mentioned, “Oh so a lot of your problems have been self-imposed and self-sabotaged?” Well, I was taken aback and embarrassed by the truth in front of me. I sheepishly answered, yeah.

But that seed planted was enough to grow and finally get me to face me.

I started changing as I feel granted more years to live than what could have been. It was not enough. There had to be more crucial changes my diet had to change. I had to admit to my innermost being that I was addicted to food as much as I was an alcoholic and addict.

I started over on my step work I started getting more honest.
I had to get past being a victim of circumstances and I am working hard on that today.

In the not-too-distant past, I had to admit I was addicted to more. I had to start changing what I was feeding myself through screens. It was taking me down and giving me a paralyzing fear.

I listened to a message yesterday at Browers Wesleyan Church. I listened with more intent on receiving a message just as much, maybe, even more, than when I decided I was defeated by my other addictions. You don’t have to agree with me or what was spoken.

Now I have already been making changes before this message was ever spoken. The real question for me yesterday was, will I keep doing what I am doing or go back to old ways.

I want my whole life above board. If I feel the need to hide anything then I am not walking the life of integrity. The thing is I am not hiding anything anymore. I will not go backward on this.

It is the secrets that will kill you.

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) 6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Everything I say is about my journey, my walk; if it helps you then great.

I know this was still a basic overview and hope to dive deeper in the next blog post entry.

I am not done with this subject by a long shot!

Like I have said before, I was told I could have a better life. I want that better life. I am doing what I have to for me to get it.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Working On Updating Two New Pages To Boxcar Mike

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Photo by: Michael D Radin

Hi Everyone!

I am currently in the middle of drafting two new pages to be added to Boxcar Mike.

One of the pages will feature recovery link resources.

The second page will have the cooking shows I watch and follow on Facebook and Youtube social media.

In my most recent post, I mention how important it is for me to have a routine and schedule. I hope to share more content such as pictures and more specifically, sharing how I live out my daily life.

I have a list of things to do today. These things include laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cooking, taking out the trash, and walking.

There is always plenty of action to be taken. This is where my phrases of doing the next right thing and first things first, come in as help to remind me to breathe in and out. The next right thing is to take the action.

Lists are helpful for me, but it means taking action again. Lists are not helpful if you don’t take the action. I sometimes have made lists and have not even taken the first step. It all just becomes words on paper never getting anything done.

There are many times when I must keep moving items to be done to the next day’s list. That is until I bite the bullet and complete, said items.

It is the simplest things that can determine how my day goes with my reaction to taking charge of them. The important thing is for me to keep moving forward with exercise health, faith, prayer, and meditation.

Sometimes I must stop in the middle of something go back to the last next right thing. For instance, I had to stop writing for a minute and go grab my phone and put it on the charger, so it is fully charged for my walk.

When walking any distance alone I must have my phone with me for any emergency and my safety. But anyone who knows me, knows I hate being attached to a phone. I think I was born a rule breaker. The phone has that rule of reminding of a routine.

I have rebelled against a routine because I just wanted freedom. I am finding out today that having a routine does give me freedom. It is just about breaking habits now. I mean the habits that get in the way of me following a routine.

I hate discussions on habits, but I know I will be asked about it. It is the habit of laziness and wanting to pull the covers over your head and scream at people to get out!

I am constantly questioning my motives in doing everything because, in the past, all my motives did not always have the best intentions. Here is the best thing about questioning myself today; I have better choices to make.

I do not always choose the better choices. But again, there rings that freedom in making choices. I can always improve.

I went back to writing on my routine again.

The original intent of this entry was to update you on what I plan to add to this blog. Well, originally, I was going to try to feature this stuff on Facebook and have people come over there and interact with me there.

However, Facebook just didn’t have the appeal to me as the platform to share the same pages.

So here we are. I hope to get more updating done today but it will come after my list of stuff to get done.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Yall Everybody!

My Helper’s Motivating Me To Do It

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Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

Hey Everybody !

Here I am again. This time I am talking about, using my caregiver as motivation for me to just do it. It is hard for me to comprehend just how set I am in my ways of doing things. I am telling you; I have higher expectations for doing a task than most are willing to do.

I am having to set reasonable boundaries; this is something brand new for me and stick to them. It makes me nervous and anxious because for me it is usually confronting something.

I remarked to her face that washing hands are important when touching food, dishes, anything, or anyone, that washing hands is important. She is temporary. Therefore, she is my motivator for me to do my own tasks.

I will just have her do things that are not in direct contact with me. I do not dread this woman; I feel sorry for her. That can be a downfall for me too. She is helping me get stronger; in the fact, I can do more for myself.

How does this fit in with gratitude, recovery, and my spiritual life? Physically, it is helping me do more and be more active. This also helps me emotionally. I have gratitude for being able to do more than I have been able to do in the last 4 years. I must slow down and think what I am going to say; and take those pauses so that I speak clearly, nicely, and still make my statements.

I feel like this helper is to teach me more about understanding rather than me being understood. However, I am also finding my voice and to live peacefully as possible.

Everything changes and I am hoping to keep changing with learning to be more tolerant.

I am loving myself today. I love my apartment and want to take care of it and me. There is more work to do on improving myself and my apartment. The main thing is keeping the promise to myself to do better. There are things I have not done well. I am keeping stock of those and trying to correct those things. They are a huge struggle. In the meantime, it is about being grateful for what has changed, and what I continue to do for improvement.

I refuse to go back to the way I once lived. One day, I hope to get the thorn out of my side and be free. I am working up to trying to get out at least once a month for something I want socially.

Even with all the help and money in the world, no one can do our work for us.

  • I am grateful for hot coffee on such a freezing morning.
  • I am grateful for changes.
  • I am grateful that I can see myself truthfully today.
  • I am grateful for my own space.
  • I am grateful for God who loves and understands me trying to better know Him amid my wrongs.
  • I am grateful I get to change my story today.
  • I am grateful for the desire to have a sincere relationship with myself.
  • I am grateful for the way out.
  • I am grateful for the different seasons and patience.
  • I am grateful there is more life, and that I get to take care of what I currently have in all things.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Asleep Behind The Keyboard Mindful of Myself

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Photo by Marcus Aurelius on Pexels.com

Hey Everybody,

I fell asleep in my office chair extremely exhausted. This week the not so pretty parts of my story have become known. The writer part of me cannot hold back what the answers are in my journey; and the spiritual side will not let me hide those things at least in general.

My goal has always been to be authentic and true to myself. To walk and be free of the bondage of self is the ultimate. I will do my best to never tell anyone’s story but my own.

I have been trying to unlearn the masking process and the pretend way of life. I had no prior knowledge of even writing this tonight. Lots of things seem to be happening that I have not planned to share. I do not share the negative parts because I am proud of them.

I have been sharing everything to finally be free, find understanding, as well as help another person.

Just maybe finally the cycle of insanity can be broken. I do believe that there are parts of our lives that can heal in the blink of an eye, but mostly a lot of my healing has come in the form of education. Taking the steps to freedom means work.

I will be the first to tell you I am lazy when it comes to working. Once I start and I am in the salt mines of these steps, I am working! I just did not realize I would take a season for each thing. I am hoping to move faster.

I have to say in my past work, I thought a lot of the amends were to everyone I shared about in previous steps. They are to a degree but a lot more are related to my shortcomings and refusal of letting go at times. I have dreams and thoughts come to me to prepare for the future of my journey. They are painful and gut-wrenching ones.

I have said I could author a book about my own life. Every one of us, could take our lives and make a movie about them. I am just not sure we would want every scene to play out in front of everyone. Thank goodness we can change. We can heal, forgive, we can be forgiven, and sweep our side of the street.

Most of what I learn is from someone else, who has been taught by someone else. The latest phrase I do have to share is simply this, learning to stay in our own lane. If I can just stay in my own lane and not be nosey about your lane, I will do well.

My goodness! My own lane has enough work, without me wanting to stick my nose in where it does not belong! This does not mean we stop communication; we just keep the necessary boundaries and be supportive when we can.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!