God

Confronting Every Aspect of My Life’s Hypocrisy

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Walthers Park DeSoto Missouri 2016

Hey, Y’all!

I am here and we have some new viewers and new followers. I welcome you all and I hope everyone feels free to comment and post.

I also added one new page of links to this blog “Cooking Shows And Other Favorites.”

I am excited with today’s topic continuing where I kind of strayed off-topic with integrity. I took a break from it. Without further droning on.

Here, we go!

Hypocrisy would mean lacking integrity. Saying I believe one way and then acting differently. However, I would be preaching to others the importance of holding up a moral code. One I did not follow myself, therefore making me a hypocrite.

I decided after a talk with my mama to look up the definition of integrity I ended up with a good summarization of the word after surfing the internet. One plain definition in just plain talk is, behaving in such a way that one does the right thing even when no one is watching.

A quote shared with me is and found spot on.

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort. It’s choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. It’s choosing to practice your values rather than simply professing them.”

— Brené Brown, via twitter.com Dare To Lead

Definition of integrity

1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: INCORRUPTIBILITY

2: an unimpaired condition: SOUNDNESS

3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: COMPLETENESS

Cited from: Merriam-Webster Dictionary

My self-examination and inventory of my life over the years have finally gotten me to scream to myself; “your words and your actions must match up to have any quality of life.”

The things I have had to look and test with are the quotes below:

  1. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  George S. Patton
  2. “Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.” Stephanie Lahart
  3. “Is it true, is it kind, or is it necessary?” Socrates

I have had to look at my life and something helped that I took hard at the time was when a friend mentioned, “Oh so a lot of your problems have been self-imposed and self-sabotaged?” Well, I was taken aback and embarrassed by the truth in front of me. I sheepishly answered, yeah.

But that seed planted was enough to grow and finally get me to face me.

I started changing as I feel granted more years to live than what could have been. It was not enough. There had to be more crucial changes my diet had to change. I had to admit to my innermost being that I was addicted to food as much as I was an alcoholic and addict.

I started over on my step work I started getting more honest.
I had to get past being a victim of circumstances and I am working hard on that today.

In the not-too-distant past, I had to admit I was addicted to more. I had to start changing what I was feeding myself through screens. It was taking me down and giving me a paralyzing fear.

I listened to a message yesterday at Browers Wesleyan Church. I listened with more intent on receiving a message just as much, maybe, even more, than when I decided I was defeated by my other addictions. You don’t have to agree with me or what was spoken.

Now I have already been making changes before this message was ever spoken. The real question for me yesterday was, will I keep doing what I am doing or go back to old ways.

I want my whole life above board. If I feel the need to hide anything then I am not walking the life of integrity. The thing is I am not hiding anything anymore. I will not go backward on this.

It is the secrets that will kill you.

Colossians 4:6 (ESV) 6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Everything I say is about my journey, my walk; if it helps you then great.

I know this was still a basic overview and hope to dive deeper in the next blog post entry.

I am not done with this subject by a long shot!

Like I have said before, I was told I could have a better life. I want that better life. I am doing what I have to for me to get it.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Integrity Not Only In Words But Action

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I am very excited to finally be writing tonight. I have had many technical interruptions that held me off from writing today.

There has been a series of events that happened because of my willingness to change and trust different processes along the way.

In my previous posts, you will have read about my hospitalizations and time in a rehab center following many falls from bed. Plus, there were a host of many things brought on by my health difficulties, of gaining weight, diabetes, wound ulcers swelling, and unwillingness to be hospitalized until a time it was close to the last call.

So, the very first thing I want to share is my right leg and foot are wound-free. Every wound is closed and healed on that leg and foot!

To me, that is a huge miracle! I am so thankful to God for this very thing. I am thankful to drivers’ nurses, doctors, friends, family, and support in all different ways. It took everything and everyone. I do have to keep compression wraps on that leg. But is so amazing.

The left leg and foot where the wounds are, very close to closing. They have a little way to go yet. However, it is so much better.

I left the rehab right before July 4th, 2021; It was then, I made a promise to myself and others, that nothing was going to be the same ever again.

Used by permission of meltblogs from Facebook.com

This right here is what I am replacing my negative self-talk with. Read the words in that meme picture.

I began making changes in my diet asking for help more. At the time I needed more help.

My own photo of What I prepared homemade.

There has been a mountain of changes. Exercising and working with physical therapy, walking more and more so recently. Doing my best to make life less complicated, more organized, and simpler.

I have had to clear my mind of the junk I have held onto for years. I have had to stop excuses for my behavior. It has truly become a program of action. It comes in forgiving others and learning to let myself off the hook for things that were not my fault.

In The last few weeks even, most recently, this week I have drawn some lines in the sand for myself. I have had to get real with God and my faith. I have had to admit some wrongs. I continuously take inventory of myself and even a few lingering details of my past.

I have had to return to a relationship with God built on total honesty and his mercy and grace through all my trials.

I went home and moved to a street-level apartment. I was home for two months or so. Then it was to only be back in the hospital for like a week and diagnosed with osteomyelitis.

I was doing everything I could to get off the PICC line. I was scared I would be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. I have been off antibiotics for about a few weeks now think.

The night I got home from the hospital I talked to God and said I was not ready yet.

I found out I have a whole lot of life left in me. I am making the changes, I am sharing who I am today, what I have done, and this broken mess of a life, I have been leading.

Walking With my walker “Cadillac Jack”
Photos of my walk

I am stopping the negative self-talk, the complaining about not enough. The secret thoughts, I am bringing them to light; I want to show them for what they are and to put them down.

I do want to figure out something as I heal more and more to generate an income and be able to get off government aid and disability. I want to own my own home.

The time is getting real folks! Inflation is going to eat us up.  I won’t sit by and just be quiet anymore. I am also ready to say let’s fire every single one in office as “We the People.” Because almost every single last one in the office is not for the people of this country. We are going to have to pull together no matter which side you are on and be self-sustaining people! Buy Local! I am hearing it from farmers and truckers alike. We must figure out how to replenish what we take from our communities. If we do not, we all go under.

I am getting off track but on track too!

Integrity is taking on the responsibility of my whole self and being true, through and through.

I want to live comfortably in my skin and call a spade a spade. No more hiding. No More on the fence!

I hope you enjoy the many pictures I am sharing as well.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Working On Updating Two New Pages To Boxcar Mike

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Photo by: Michael D Radin

Hi Everyone!

I am currently in the middle of drafting two new pages to be added to Boxcar Mike.

One of the pages will feature recovery link resources.

The second page will have the cooking shows I watch and follow on Facebook and Youtube social media.

In my most recent post, I mention how important it is for me to have a routine and schedule. I hope to share more content such as pictures and more specifically, sharing how I live out my daily life.

I have a list of things to do today. These things include laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cooking, taking out the trash, and walking.

There is always plenty of action to be taken. This is where my phrases of doing the next right thing and first things first, come in as help to remind me to breathe in and out. The next right thing is to take the action.

Lists are helpful for me, but it means taking action again. Lists are not helpful if you don’t take the action. I sometimes have made lists and have not even taken the first step. It all just becomes words on paper never getting anything done.

There are many times when I must keep moving items to be done to the next day’s list. That is until I bite the bullet and complete, said items.

It is the simplest things that can determine how my day goes with my reaction to taking charge of them. The important thing is for me to keep moving forward with exercise health, faith, prayer, and meditation.

Sometimes I must stop in the middle of something go back to the last next right thing. For instance, I had to stop writing for a minute and go grab my phone and put it on the charger, so it is fully charged for my walk.

When walking any distance alone I must have my phone with me for any emergency and my safety. But anyone who knows me, knows I hate being attached to a phone. I think I was born a rule breaker. The phone has that rule of reminding of a routine.

I have rebelled against a routine because I just wanted freedom. I am finding out today that having a routine does give me freedom. It is just about breaking habits now. I mean the habits that get in the way of me following a routine.

I hate discussions on habits, but I know I will be asked about it. It is the habit of laziness and wanting to pull the covers over your head and scream at people to get out!

I am constantly questioning my motives in doing everything because, in the past, all my motives did not always have the best intentions. Here is the best thing about questioning myself today; I have better choices to make.

I do not always choose the better choices. But again, there rings that freedom in making choices. I can always improve.

I went back to writing on my routine again.

The original intent of this entry was to update you on what I plan to add to this blog. Well, originally, I was going to try to feature this stuff on Facebook and have people come over there and interact with me there.

However, Facebook just didn’t have the appeal to me as the platform to share the same pages.

So here we are. I hope to get more updating done today but it will come after my list of stuff to get done.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Yall Everybody!

Routine, Recovery, Gratitude, Spirituality, Integrity, and Normality

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Photo by Streetwindy on Pexels.com

Good Morning Everyone!

I am enjoying my coffee and feeling encouraged by the forecast calling for 68°.

One of my most difficult tasks is staying on track with a routine. I do have the routine of going to the doctor’s office and the visiting nurses coming in to help me take care of myself. I am very grateful for this.

Until the past few years, I never understood why a routine was so important. The thing is I crave a routine now. I am just starting at it again with waking up, making my lists, calling someone every weekday morning at 7:00 am, and drinking my coffee.

I believe it is important for me to have a few friends where we discuss recovery, spirituality, gratitude, and integrity. It gives me a normality zone to work with. But even more important, is for me to me have that same relationship with God.

One buddy gave me a detailed rundown of his routine schedule. It all begins with thinking ahead of even how to be prepared. Many people were taught this growing up. However, for some of us, it is an art that we lost along the way.

The thing I want is a life of quality and improving that quality of life. It has been proven to be the only way to do that is through having a routine.

One of the ideas that come to mind, is if insanity is defined as doing the same things over expecting different results, then sanity is doing the same things over and expecting the same results.

The catch is we have to be careful about those expectations. For me, expectations in other areas of my life can often lead to trouble. I believe I am safe, though when it comes to building and keeping a healthy routine.

I have forgotten at times how important it is to have 3-5 meals per day and that they are balanced meals. It is also important to do any exercise I possibly can do and for the most part, it is doing the cleaning and walking as much as possible.

The other thing I am going to throw into the mix is my spirituality. It is vitally important to have that intact. My spirituality has suffered much, and yet it is so necessary.

My spirituality comes in the form of my gratitude and always find at least one thing to be grateful for each day. Along with that gratitude is being truthful and hopefully having integrity. Integrity is a noble thing considered by some men.

For me, integrity is part of living life and being truthful in what I worship. It is when you have peace and have nothing to hide from anyone. I have failed utterly in many ways with integrity.

But having a routine and following healthy examples, as well as giving it all to God and asking Him for help. I believe this is the answer. It is my only hope for peace in God.

Milk may do the body well, but I need the meat and vegetables too.

At some point, the acting has to stop and action must be taken. This is necessary for a routine of healthy living to take effect. I want to always be who I say I am; otherwise, they are just words I am spouting off with no action behind them.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

Gratitude In Changes And Taking Care Of Myself

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Good morning!

Happy Tuesday morning.

I am looking forward to the day opening with almost having a heatwave of 58° here in Southeast Missouri. I am starting my day with gratitude for that alone. It is a wonderful day to open the apartment and let fresh air in.

It is also a wonderful day to get my walking in. I want more exercise than these four walls. I hope to get a few pictures hung. I want to enjoy myself just being at home with no nurse visits or helpers today.

I have a new caregiver coming on Wednesday. I want time to myself today.

  • I am grateful for a beautiful day.
  • I am grateful enjoying my coffee undisturbed and in relative silence.
  • I am grateful to share my experiences with others.
  • I am grateful for my genuine smile on the inside as well today.
  • I am grateful for regaining physical strength.
  • I am grateful I am not in the dumps today.
  • I am grateful for help and those who look out for me.
  • I am grateful for the choice to do better.
  • I am grateful there is the chance to live happy and purposeful.
  • I am grateful for family and friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put in a list.

I get the choice to take care of myself in effective ways today. For me, it must start with gratitude. Just being grateful to wake up today. To see the beauty in life. In another time and place that was a dream. Today it is my reality.

In doing everyday things to make my meals today. There were times I was unable to make myself a meal. Today I can.

I am also thinking about my one word for the year, which is the word, seek. I had a small thought of what that might mean for me this year. The truth being, some of the things I have shared in my recent posts, I had no idea I would share. The thing for me to recognize is I am not the same person today.

I have and will talk to God about those matters.

I am not willing to live a life based on anger and needless worry. I am not willing to stay in depression and pull the covers over my head every day.

I have issues to deal with. I will not let those issues overtake me today. As I am unable to live anyone else’s life nor can anyone live my life.

It has taken me years to stop taking your temperature to see if I am okay. Guess what? I am doing great! There are still areas of my life that need work and thank goodness for grace. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings today.

I got my own backyard and sidewalk to clean. I cannot be meddling in yours.
I am going to keep seeking a happy, joyous, and free life.

I also want to say I am grateful for all the teachers in my life. I have been told by others and believe them; I can have a good life. I am going for it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Humility Gives A New Outlook And Strength

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Victor Freitas on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

It is great to be behind the keyboard once more. My hope is that at least one person feels helped by my sharing whenever that time may come, even if it is not today.

If I use humility as the tool to look at myself square in the eye and just admit them. Humility as a tool means I finally stop trying to explain my wrongs away. Once, I have listed my shortcomings and acknowledge them, as well as give all of myself to my Creator.

Reprinted.76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. (“The Seventh Step Prayer”) Amen

With What I have shared in the past two posts, this is only a beginning for me in trying to repair the wreckage I have caused, in the lives of others and my own.

I often drag my feet in doing the next right thing. It is because I hate having to face the fact of one more wrong. However, if I am to ever be free from the bondage of self it is necessary to do so.

In my wrongs, it is not the fact I was drunk or high. It is the fact of having an alcoholic mind and living with untreated alcoholism. On the other hand, every time I drank or got high there was usually an embarrassing scene.

In my fifty years plus of living nothing has been more apparent, than the embarrassment of my behavior because things were not going my way. The aftermath has been horrible; at times I want to give myself that as an excuse to not look at my behavior. I cannot change behaviors I am unwilling to look at.

The difference is today that I do want to do the next right thing. I do want to make things right and not just bury myself in a hole and be isolated because someone might call me out on something. Hiding is a cowardly way out.

The whole time I ran from my problems and pain and that is I learned to survive. It is not an excuse; there comes a point to look at everything, admit, make right what I can, and give the rest to God.

Step Seven in my journey is just the beginning of looking at everything that has been at the root of the harm to other people, places, and things. I believe that humility must come before going into Step Eight.

It reminds me that I do not have to go into self-pity and just give a brush off once more. Humility gives the foundation and strength to admit to the harms I have caused, so that I might be genuine making my list and forthright in step nine to make the amends.

It is a lifelong process that makes it possible to live in my own skin and not have regrets. I have always yelled at others to look at the truth.
It is not about them anymore. It never was.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody !

Remembering I am A Spiritual Being Inside Flesh

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Hi Everybody,

Here I am in the first eight days of this new year. This time I may be going a little deep and getting to the root in my spirit, first purposed by God creating me. This is based on my beliefs.

This is all part of my journey because I believe coming into this world with harsh realities and not always having the support and care needed, we become conditioned, destroy our spiritual side.

Now that cannot be my excuse for who I am today. I have learned to take responsibility for my own behaviors that become my self-defeat.

There came a point where I knew life had to be better but somehow could not grasp on to the positive and loving reinforcements of love, care, and nurturing.

I have run so far from me in the things I previously sought out to escape the pain, hurt, and terror.

I bought the bitterness, rage, hate, and destruction because as I believed, it was the only way to defeat the evil that came upon me. I did not always consciously understand that I was being just as damaging to other people, places, and things that came upon me.

I became the tornado in other people’s lives continuing in the vicious cycle of self-affliction, blind and oblivious to the harm and injury I caused. I even called it love, much of the time in believing it was and trying to get others to believe it.

That is not to say it was all blind, in fact, I even had a list of people in my head That deserved the judgment, sentencing, and execution of my wrath upon them. Vengeance was paramount as far as I was concerned.

I kept on drinking the poison hoping the evil people would die.

What I was not comprehending is that all my efforts were killing me. Those other people were going on free as I stayed trapped inside myself and at times taking other hostages with me. The hostages were often innocent bystanders and unintended targets of my wrath.

Oh, the remorse I felt when confronted by my behaviors but often in a state of denial, and outright lying. In most cases, I was only remorseful because it was a negative thing. I had no understanding of the impact of my acting out upon others.

The changes started happening when I realized I could follow directions if it meant saving my own life.

I was in a relationship to have because I did not want to be alone. That relationship was 8-10 years of me waking up every day full of hate and wanting to die. I was incapable of being honest with anyone but mostly lying to myself.

In that relationship it was saying I hate you; I love You; I hate you please do not leave me!

It was a circumstance of convenience, self-preservation, using, abusing, self-indulgent, moments of trying to make a show of love as it became, an act. Mostly it was not comprehending the negative impact I caused upon us both.

It has been years of living amends facing the fact I was a sick alcoholic, and addict desperately searching for love in various kinds of ways. However, I was incapable of loving myself.

Today we are friends, and we get to at least share celebrations and grieve over friends and others who passed away. Life has gone on for both of us. But absolutely cheer each other on.

After bouts of drinking, smoking marijuana, pill-popping, and withdrawal somehow, I am staying clean and sober a little over 17 years. It has been at a slow pace but trudging through with changes. The changes are both great and small. But life-changing.


Each day I decide to either keep or rid myself of behaviors that no longer serve me. Make no mistake, it is a choice even living passively making no choice. That is still a choice that has been hard to comprehend.

Challenges gave come and gone. There are challenges that are still present but becoming smaller.

There are tools to help me today and friends that do encourage and support the positive changes in me. The prayer attributed as The St Francois prayer seems to be the way I wish to live out.

The only thing left now is to make direct amends and continue my living amends.

I want to repair the damage I have done and keep sweeping my side of the street. I want to recognize and acknowledge each day. Your side of the street is none of my business.

I am seeking out that spiritual side that heals the human part of me. This makes it possible to repair part of the damage I have caused. There is damage that is irreversible.

There is still a better life waiting.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Sowing And Reaping Our Harvest With Thanksgiving

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Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

I am here because I started out the past few times wanting to go into the thanksgiving or gratitude season. It seems always there was another topic trumping that in the spirit of my writing. Here we are finally.

I have thought so much about this over the past couple of months. I need to concentrate on the positive and always find gratitude during all circumstances. That is not always easy. I fail much of the time. But that is when I pray and talk to others to get myself rightly adjusted again.

I know that each year I am harvesting whatever I have sown in my life I reap the good and the bad both. While it is apparent, I am a slow learner as I think in everything there is a lesson to learn and take away.

I have learned in the past year about what it means to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned that I must ask for the right kind of help. I am learning more about being initiative-taking in caring for myself.

I have grieved over a bunch of bad choices. I had to reap what I sowed. It has not always been great or always finding myself on a spiritual mountain top. In fact, I thought it was the beginning of losing my faith and hope. I found out this was the result of losing my faith and hope.

I am blessed in the face of it all. In my journey, God always seems to supply faith and hope. It has been through other people that are placed in my life.

One of the important things I have learned is in communicating with others to be more informative and a little more specific. Today I am honored to be trusted with others’ words. Together we find a solution or work towards finding one.

Today I have people who help me in the right ways and not just what I may want.

I am grateful for both the tears and the laughter. I am grateful for the lessons and that I still have a long way to go. It means I have a lot of living left to do. It means I get to help others even just listening. I get to identify with others and relate to them.

I am grateful I get to recover from my soul sickness. It is like a roller coaster. When I am unable to tell myself to stop there is God and others to help me. It truly is a journey sometimes is wild.

It is my connection with God and others that make this journey rewarding and special. I want a grateful heart, always looking for the good in everyone and everything. This is when you know the joy of life.

I am grateful for the harvest of this year despite the loss and scares. God is here.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

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Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Life Turned Upside Down Sideways Inside Out

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all 

Here I am finally writing now a week or two home from the hospital.

I am sure people are wondering what is going and specifically I will not say yet. The PICC Line is in once again fighting an infection, a serious one at that. Fear has been a part of this deal because it is that scary and hard to come to within ways that could be life-changing. For days, my lie by omission was easier than facing the truth.

Facing the truth meant I had to speak the truth. It meant speaking it to those who have been in a spot to help me manage me.

Fear gripped me to the point of not being able to sleep and still I regress back to that since even believing God has this. I fall apart and ask for help from God and others. I needed to remember what the truth is and even stuff just lost in the mix of events.

No, I am not dying any faster than anyone else who woke up today. I am hoping that these dang antibiotics and lifestyle changes such as diet will help even more in reversing the order of things.

Yup, I cry at the drop of a hat even more so these days. I am dealing with anger and self-pity at times. No one likes to admit to these things. I take more medication now than when I was self-diagnosed and self-medicated.

Coming home has been an adjustment that has not been easy for me, caregivers, and even just friends. They take my blood at least once a week.

Friday, I met with my primary FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner), and he is happy with the fact I am trying to stay on top of appointments and medications. To be clear I have not been one for hospitals and doctors. All though I have had to for disability and other problems.

What is the real story? What is my part in it? How do I help myself? How do I help those trying to help me?

Well, I got to take a break and do my antibiotics and rest while waiting for the nurse to call. I hope to finish this blog entry, edit it, and publish it today.

I still struggle with getting a routine down because everything seems to change daily.

One thing I do have to share is that Friday when the nurse checked the PICC-Line, there was no blood return. Today, she drew blood for labs from the PICC-Line and both concluded it was God.

Every PICC-Line I have had we have never been able to continue getting blood, it was amazing when it worked today. I was also happy as she did not have to stick me. She was prepared just in case she had to a butterfly.

I am ready to be in a season of thankfulness, peacefulness, and full of hope. I am looking forward to sharing changes for the positive and changes bringing on healing in body mind and spirit.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!