God

It Is Okay To Not Be Okay

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Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all,

I came back to writing finally.

I am dealing with a lot of physical, emotional, and spiritual subjects as usual for all of us. We all have a lot to deal with daily. I want to say, I am willing to face it all. It is just a day at a time. Right?

Sunday, I felt touched by a short video I watched. I am botching it by summarizing what it said. Yesterday needed you today, we need you, and tomorrow we will need you, please do not quit. Do not give up. So many people care about you and love you. You are loved and needed.

Just because we do not talk deeply with everyone, does not mean we are not a hope for someone else. It also does not mean the same people who are not deep with us, are not giving us hope. Sometimes things suck.

The only way to get through the hard things in life is to face them We walk through those things, feel the feelings, and work through them. Taking the necessary steps is hard. No one said it would be easy or painless.

I have been dealing with chronic physical issues. I am also facing the fact that I need to deal with grief and loss. I am dealing with emotional and spiritual issues too. All of it has emotional and spiritual aspects. It all comes down to fear and anger. Anger because I am not in charge or better yet, in control.

Face everything and recover. We should look at it this way instead.

Face

Everything

And

Recover

Do you see, facing everything and recovering reveals fear? I have learned this in the past, but I need reminders. There is also a fact of me maybe facing things before, but finding even old things come back up because of not being perfect, I only dealt with them as far as I could understand it at the time.

Just because you work on things once or a thousand times, does not mean there is not more work to do.

I recently told someone that as much as I am sarcastic with I am also sarcastic with God and they told me they argued with God! This is someone whom I consider of a handful of people, I see, as the most devout  Christian I know.

At that moment, I admitted to myself that it was freeing because I had been mad at God for not granting me my wishes. Sarcasm is a form of anger. I am not okay because: I want to say I am doing great. I have no resentments; I am at peace with everything.

I am not okay because I am angry with God that He has allowed the death of precious loved ones, and that negative things keep happening.

In the meantime, I am dealing with these issues with a professional. I am also using the twelve-step program. It will work because God is not going anywhere. I have work to do and much to prepare for.

The biggest help is that 99% of my fears will not even happen.

I have a great support system. I must use my words instead of keeping everything bottled up.

God can manage all my emotions. He is not going to fall apart because I am mad at Him. It is going to be okay.

The most important thing I can do for myself is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Freezing and fleeing keep the problems hanging over my head. It becomes heavy baggage that stops me from receiving anything good because; everything is a complaint and nothing is good enough.

That said, I need to find those things for which I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful for the support when I need it.
  2. I am thankful for the words to write.
  3. I am thankful for an unexpected visit.
  4. I am thankful for reminders and knowing how to take care of myself; even, in this time of waiting and seeing.
  5. I am thankful for Communion, forgiveness, and the ability to forgive.
  6. I am thankful for provisions.
  7. I am thankful for lymphedema pumps.
  8. I am thankful I can walk.
  9. I am thankful for my nurse’s supplies
  10. I am thankful I can pay my bills.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Focusing On The Fuel Tank For Each Area Of My Life II

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Hey, Y’all!

I apologize for the fact of failing to write about the different areas of my life. The fuel gauge that I am using as suggested by Mel Robbins, gives me a picture of where I am in each area of my life. I must know where I am before I know which way to go next.

  I- Health and Wellness

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Evening Routine
  3. Physical Health
  4. Mental Health

 II- Career, Money, School

  1. Career
  2. Money
  3. School
  4. Work/Life Balance

III- Relationships, Love, Friendships

  1. Friendships
  2. Family Relationships
  3. Love
  4. Making New Connections

IV- Happiness

  1. Happiness
  2. Hobbies
  3. Fun
  4. State Of Your Home

V- Purpose, Spirituality, and Meaning

  1. Purpose
  2. Spirituality
  3. Meaning
  4. Fulfillment

In each area of each section is a fuel gauge in which you find your location.

Empty- Depleted

1/4 – Meh

1/2 – Fine

3/4 – Good

Full- Energized

The next action is answering: Why do you feel this way? (Feelings)

Are there any behaviors or attitudes that contribute to why you feel this way? (Truth Finding-Facts) Only you know the truth.

It is important to be honest with ourselves. It is also important not to beat yourself up because that does not accomplish anything.

We cannot change what could be wrong if we do not know what it is and where we are.

As far as my journey is concerned in most areas, I do feel I am at ¼ of a tank on the fuel gauge. In some of the areas, I found myself feeling completely depleted or empty.

If I plan on reaching any goals, this fact-finding truth is valuable to me to make changes and reenergize myself.

Can this be any more related to recovery, as far as the HOW?

Honesty

Open-Minded

Willing

I have told friends I want to make more time and do better at being a friend. To live up to that, I know I am going to need better time-management skills.

I want to change and do better in all the areas of my life, there again Rome was not built in a day. I also cannot use that as an excuse to hardly do anything to change either. There is always room for improvement.

It is exciting to learn new things! The difference becomes when we use the newfound knowledge to crush the paralyzing fear we often face when questioning ourselves. I want things different from what they have been.

I know I can make things happen. It will take putting in the time and work while being honest. Working through the difficult stuff honestly, is what is going to make me free. I do not have to think of the hard work as hopeless. The more I work through, the more hopeful I will become for making 2024 my best year.

Things I like:

  1. Getting through the tough work.
  2. Breakfast for supper.
  3. Stand-up Comedians.
  4. Saying what I mean, meaning what I say, not saying it mean.
  5. Check Marking the Checklist.

Proverbs 9:10 (ESV)

10. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,

    and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Planning The Rest Of 2024 To Make It Happen

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Make it Happen Workbook 2024 By Mel Robbins

Hey, Y’all!

I have completed the first workbook by Mel Robbins, “Make 2024 Your Best Year.”

In finishing the first workbook I have a l clearer picture of what I want to do, in planning the rest of 2024. I do feel more confident in moving forward with plans. I made a goal to start making things happen. This is barely scratching the surface.

I woke up this morning feeling unmotivated. However, as always in my phone call with a friend, we always claim for it to be a good day.

I wanted to start digging into the second workbook by Mel Robbins, “Make It Happen.” I did start digging and by the time I turned the page, I found I was in for a surprise! I found I wanted more goals.

I just want to say I am tired as I am writing this. Despite being tired I am determined to get through this day.

This part I just learned in the last few minutes. While determined I am also having a late lunch writing this entry, and felt compelled to pray, as I heard this song, so I texted a prayer over someone and I got a brand new spark of energy!

This is spiritual learning along the way.

Sometimes, you must ignore how you feel and do what you know. There is strength in praying, I believe that.

I know that a long time ago I was taught, that if you allow enough goodness to come into your life, the bad cannot stay. The bad would be allowing tiredness to win. I fought it and I will continue to fight it.

To get back to the workbook subject: I believe that by working towards enough good goals and doing them, I will change.

You can make goals all day long, you can feel something all day long, and think about it all day long! Until you take action, nothing changes! This is different I am usually unwilling to fight the tiredness. But, something changed in me, and something changed when I took action.

This lesson I received in writing thus far, is all about the workbook.

I have said this is my journey, and you who are reading this are on it with me right now. There seems to be a load of education in this journey. It brings a smile to my face.

I have watched only half of the first two parts of the training videos with this workbook. This is huge for me because, with only a couple of pages in the workbook, it is bringing me more hope for everything I am about to learn, and put it into action.

Even though I say, I want more goals I may learn that some goals may be grouped to make one goal. We shall see, what we see, and do what we can. I am not giving up.

Philippians 4:9 (ESV)

9. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

At 58 I Wonder What I Will Be When I Grow Up

/ boxcarmike / 3 Comments

September 2023 Elephant Rock

Hey, Y’all!

I went to bed at eight-thirty last night, I intended to get somewhere between six and eight hours of sleep. I woke up three hours later and here I am now after midnight. I will smile through this.

I am fifty-eight and I am wondering what I will be when I grow up. This is because there are things left for me to do. I have happiness left to live out and things I am learning.

I am not just learning to love me I do love me. I do not mean this in a conceited way. For years, I hated who I saw in the mirror and inside my head. I was self-destructive and I stayed stuck inside the self-made prison. I wanted to love, but I did not know how to love. Everyone deserved love. I hurt on the inside, and I only knew how to hurt others.

I am thankful this has changed, and I am rebuilding my life piece by piece. It is a step-by-step process and has been a long journey.

Love is being willing to change. Love is letting go. Love is freeing yourself from bondage. Love holds no hostages. Love heals. Love always wins.

Two people I knew, died on the third day of this month 2024. I was afraid I was going to die just a couple of weeks before 2024 began. I even said to myself, I played too much! Of course, I deserved to die. I was afraid to die. I was not ready to die.

I have been on a healing journey for a while. I am still healing, and I am still learning. Love is winning.

Here is what I have learned: No matter what illness is; it is far deeper than illness. The roots are fear, anger, and hatred. It has a victim mentality. It plays the blame game, and nothing is ever my fault! “They did it to me. If it were not that thing in the way I would have gotten the job!”

“Look, Man! If you lived my life you would drink, smoke, and take pills too!”  If it, you, or they just would not have made me mad I would not have made the hole in the wall! It is your fault! No, they had it coming; they needed to hear the truth from me!”

“You do not know pain until you have known my pain. So just shut the heck up! Yes, these have been the examples of things I have said except, usually with expletives.

People have stood by me, and I am not just changing, I have changed, and my life has changed. I continue to learn more because there is always more action needed.

Forgiveness frees me. Forgiveness allows me to heal inside out. Dropping the rock keeps me from drowning! Working with others, sharing with others, and listening to others sharing with others is so valuable in healing because the message gets shared.

My faith has grown. God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, and doing my part is healing me and it is working. Why stop doing what is working?

Now, I have shared all this to say, I am still doing the work in the workbook. I worked more on it yesterday. I will work on it again today, and I am finally ready to start planning. Once the plan is in place, then I will begin a second workbook by Mel Robbins “Make It Happen.”

These workbooks have asked me to ask others how I have changed. I have learned though if you are paying attention to those you surround yourself with and are doing the work, you do not have to ask them. They are already telling you how you are changing and have changed.

If you do the work, you cannot help but change!

Doing the work does not make you perfect. I make mistakes every day. I still oversleep. Thank goodness a friend kept calling me yesterday morning.

I say and do things I should not say and do. However, it is way less than I used to. I tell on-myself to those who have my best interest in mind. We work out a way for me to make things as right as possible and I move on.

Proverbs 16:3 (ESV)

3 Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established.

I am ready to start living this 58th year.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Working My Workbook Prayerful Meditation Happy Easter

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St Joe Park St Francois County March 2024 By Boxcar Mike

Hey Y’all!

Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates Easter!

March has gone by too soon for me.

I have worked on my workbook slowly. I look at what I want differently after seeing areas of my life and deciding how to do them with different results.

I find opening myself up to others and trying to learn new things along the way gives me new challenges and opportunities to gain experience. I get to put into practice the changes I want.

I have reflected on my life. There is much more I want. It takes doing the footwork to make the changes happen. I have not had the willingness as I do now to do the work required for changes. I wanted to take the work like a buffet taking what I want only; it does not work that way.

There is work required I may not want to do. It is in doing that work I do not want to do that the change will happen.

When I hit the bottom with my drinking, I said I wanted to be sober. While it has been a few twenty-four hours since my last drink and drug, that does not mean the insanity automatically stopped. I agree with the phrase for the stupid stuff we do, “When you do stupid stuff, you win stupid prizes.” Just because you decide to change your ways does not mean you escape the consequences of previous stupid stuff you have done.

Changing includes stopping the insanity I create. I can only choose to stop my insanity. I have no control over people, places, and things. This is why I choose to do things that force me to look at my life. I want to make the necessary changes to stop the insanity in my life. I also want to make sure that I am living in truth.

I do have a connection with God as I understand Him. A friend asked me to speak next weekend as I said yes, I could feel God say; “Do not lie to my children!” This includes me. I cannot change by lying to myself. This does not mean dumping my stuff, it means being honest. But I cannot be honest without an honest look at myself.

This means doing continuous work required for change. When you grow others can see it even when you cannot. It is all within the journey.

I have taken two weeks to write this blog post entry. Changes have happened. I ended up being ill this past weekend. So, I missed my opportunity to speak. It made me sad in ways but again, it was out of my control.

I have a lot of work ahead of me and I feel so far behind because I am at a slower pace. I am praying I am done with being sick. I am hoping to reclaim more time for my workbook and writing. I need to take inventory of my time and go back to trying the timeline method for my day to help me meet my deadlines and meet goals more efficiently.

I want to share seven things I like.

  1. Being able to write freely.
  2. Phone calls to and from friends and family to support each other.
  3. Being able to see God’s creation at work with a Solar Eclipse.
  4. Clean and clear counter space.
  5. The weekly and monthly appointments with my therapist.
  6. The memories that I can recall correctly.
  7.  Sweet and funny cards.

Five Things I will do to make changes:

  1. Commit a specific time for each task.
  2. Allow myself the freedom to be happy.
  3. Go through shelves and closets to purge the stuff I will never use and throw out or give away.
  4. Allow my helper to start cleaning my carpet today.
  5. Make more time for people I love and miss but not forget the others I still love and do get time to be with. Remembering nothing and no one will be perfect here on this earth, including me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Making 2024 My Best Year My One-Word

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Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all!

I am about three months behind on planning for my best year. I am doing something I have done before and that is taking advantage of a Mel Robbins print-out workbook challenge. “Making 2024 Your Best Year”

My original thought was if I could just prevent myself from needing hospitalization or surgeries. Along with this, I want myself to be healthier and prevent infections. But I do want more. I want a real life.

One of the things to first acknowledge is to know where I am, so I can know where I want to go.

I have unplugged and now it is time to restart. One of my experiences this past week was using Google to get to a friend’s workplace. Google does not always get you to your destination! It would be best if you had specific directions. This means asking for directions instead of assuming you can find your destination.

Other people’s experiences and knowledge can go a long way if we just listen.

My objective this year is to make things better. In the past, I have rehashed scenarios, made unrealistic goals, and promised to do better than I was capable. I made myself crazy. I have wasted money, and energy, and allowed the stress to take a toll on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

While I may be behind timewise, I can only start from where I am.

I usually pick a word for the year. That said, I have picked start as my word for the year.

I need to start from where I am. I will start making my routine. I will start doing as I say I am going to do. I will start making things better. I will start being responsible just for myself. I will start blogging regularly. I will start decluttering my mind. I will start showing up for myself.

7 Things That Make Me Happy:

  1. Having A Clean Home
  2. Gray Days
  3. Good Food
  4. Good Friends
  5. Good Family
  6. Praying and Meditating
  7. Writing

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am Healing.
  2. I Can Walk.
  3. I am Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings and Responses.
  4. God Has Brought Me Through So Much.
  5. My Family.
  6. I am Changing and I Have Made Changes.
  7. I Have the Ability to Do the Next Right Thing.
  8. I am Gaining Physical Strength.
  9. God’s Blessings and God’s Forgiveness.
  10. People Want Me Included for Me.

There is always something for each one of us to be grateful for even in tough times. I put thought into each one of the things I am grateful for and each one of the things that make me happy. The things listed are not just a grocery list.

My limitations are more than I would prefer. Such as when my body needs rest, or I cannot do a hill with just my cane. When projects in my home require waiting until someone can help otherwise I risk falling.

I have a long way to go in terms of being able to be healed and independent but, I am farther along than in the past few years.

Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Thank You for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

May 2016

Hey Y’all!

I am back!

Right before Christmas, I was in ICU for a day and I was moved to a regular room for another several days. I remained ill for some time and the rest has been trying to get back to life.

I am very blessed to have people praying, calling, and answering when I call as well. I also received a few cards for which I am grateful and over three months late in thanking people for them.

I struggle with trying to find a normal routine.

Tonight, something happened to help me find my happy place in writing again. A teenage Boy Scout interviewed me! His dad, who is a friend of mine, was present. But it was in his dad’s prompting and his asking me questions that I realized I want to organize my thoughts better and be more dedicated to the things I love which also enrich my spirituality.

The funny part in all of this is they were coming after a scout meeting to give jump the battery of a car I am driving at present. But they more than helped me. I hope that I was of help to them also.

I had every intention of going to bed early, but I became excited enough to write.

Everything that I love points back to God. It is because of God that I am reminded of everything I love that feeds the soul and connection between others, me, and God. I am here because of God and others are around because of God and connecting with my soul seeing me when I do not.

Sometimes chance meetings or interviews are just divine appointments reminding us that we are genuine and that we have a message to share. The most important message sometimes that we have to share comes from deep within our souls that we also need to hear.

What I heard from my friend sharing with his son about my story in that little bit of time reminds me more, we are walking each other home. It feeds my soul. We feed each other.

The boy inside of me needs to hear the message inside of me in my soul. If you catch me most days, I deny how I love people; but I am wrong. I love people! I want to know, share, and exchange with others our stories.

I say I hate people in a way to deflect because of the hurt I have caused and the hurt I felt. I say it sometimes to think that I am being funny. What I truly hate is the fact that each of us can hurt each other. It is painful and cuts us deeply with just a careless word.

Now there is another point here, and that is knowing when you must stand up for yourself and not allow yourself to be steam-rolled. Sometimes that includes a real fight and war. It means defending yourself and what is yours.

Is that not always the question, where is the balance? We find balance in the true message. Let’s keep seeking, walking, helping, loving, hoping, and praying.

It is good to be back, I love y’all!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

My Journey For The Past Three Months

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My Patio

Hey Y’all, 

Today is my first attempt at writing about my journey currently and what has happened in the almost three months break which I never intended.  

I have experienced some short-lived joy and some sadness, but mostly doing what I need for my health. There have been at least two surgeries and two inpatient hospitalizations. It started as soon as I returned from visiting my mama and attending my grandma’s funeral. 

I also lost my tomatoes and jalapeno peppers which were making me happy to have living things growing. Also, my patio has been replaced with new dirt and rock. I do feel getting the dirt replaced was a blessing considering the state did that to get rid of the lead in our ground. 

I am healing from having the head of one of my bones taken from my foot. I hope to finally get the stitches taken out this week coming up. I am supposed to see a vascular surgeon next week. Some of this I feel is routine when it is not supposed to be. 

There have been lots of prayers on my behalf that make me feel grateful. Did I mention life stops for no one? Well, let me be one to tell you it does not stop, at least not until you draw that last breath. But then it is only the one that draws that last breath that it ends for on this side of everlasting life. 

My mama and friends keep me going. Without my mama I am convinced I would be a ridiculous fool and I guess I do behave as such sometimes. 

I am also currently going through things such as trying to keep life as simple as possible, but it feels rough much of the time. People talking behind your back does add stress. I can say people are ignorant because they are ignorant of the facts of what is needed to live my life. 

I am challenging myself to post pictures of my apartment and to prove as a single person you can keep a house clean daily and that you do not live in filth. Even through the holidays. Not that I have always been perfect but to prove I am not an unclean person. These are the types of things people make assumptions about, especially if you are a smoker. 

I will put in extra work because I want to do the extra work for myself and do what makes me happy. So, it is a win/win. Shut people’s mouths and be satisfied. 

I am not decorating this year because there is no need to. I do keep cards and do try to send them, but it is not as important to me as living happily and having peace. 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. Besides, are not the true decorations in the heart and living a life of thankfulness? Holidays are not a time for competition, to keep up with others or to try to outdo someone. 

You give of yourself and the true gifts that you were born with as we try to do each day. 

No one’s journey is easy. So, should our aim not be for love, peace, and happiness? This is where we connect and find joy. 

  • I am thankful for life.  
  • I am thankful for the lessons I have learned. 
  • I am thankful I have gratitude during storms.  
  • I am thankful to share what I have with others. 
  • I am thankful for the connection. 
  • I am thankful for those who remind me: “Praise The Lord Mike!” 
  • I am thankful for the gift of writing and connecting with God. 
  • I am thankful man is not the true judge. 
  • I am thankful that joy comes in the morning. 
  • I am thankful for a clean safe home

I may fall and fall hard but I am getting up! 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV) 
In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all, Everybody! 

If Forgiveness Was Easy Would It Be Forgiving?

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Remembering my plants 2023

Hey, Y’All,

It has been a while since my last blog post entry. It seems I say that starting every entry.

Going through my journey has taught me a lot of life lessons. Some of those lessons I keep repeating. Some lessons I cannot seem to grasp. It is very similar to banging my head against the wall.

Before I share my experience lesson with forgiveness, I want to share I did celebrate 19 years of sobriety and clean time. You see this time is not possible without the work put into it. It is done because people have helped place tools before me and their help in guiding me.

Forgiveness comes down to letting go of my thoughts and realigning them with harmony in this life. It takes prayer and asking forgiveness for myself. Even in what I imagine as harm to myself I can cause harm to others. In most cases, I have done just that.

I must realize once more that I am powerless over people, places, and things. My dependence upon God in this lesson is vital yet, I feel far away. I am asking for his help and again letting go of the rock that will for sure drown me.

Forgiveness is akin to going through grief to process everything.

This weekend may not be the healthiest I have been coping with the sadness by eating comfort foods and being thankful for the same plants that were destroyed through what I perceived as harmful to me.

Someone else gave them to give me happiness and hope. I went through anger and perhaps some anger is still left. I am mostly sad and feel bad that I allowed it to make me angry. Then I cried and felt bad that perhaps I even appeared ungrateful for the original gift. I am grateful I was given the chance to grow something living.

My tomatoes were just beginning to grow, and the peppers were just multiplying. To have it all stopped by things beyond my control was heartbreaking!

All of life and living things and beings are a gift. How blessed we are to experience life in different ways.

Just like anything else you work for and work through, forgiveness means freedom.

Forgiveness has become another lesson in freedom and once more doing the next right thing. It is important to be the best version of me I can be.

The best version of me means being good to others and myself. It means taking care of myself and doing what is necessary to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Forgiveness means I am not blocking any healing.

Change is uncomfortable but necessary. I must do whatever is necessary to make it through this situation at hand. Including finding a healthy closure so it can be put to rest. It will take physical work to make the symbolic pieces laid to rest. I want peace more than being right. I must remind myself of how often I have been forgiven.

This has been one of the hardest lessons to walk through.

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

Live Usefully and Walk Humbly Under The Grace Of God

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Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It has taken me a few days to get back behind the keyboard since a recent hospital stay. While I was in the hospital, I was hoping to get well and that I be more alive and do more once I healed. I still want to do more to show I am alive.

While I scream inside for my independence, I am realizing the need for help from others. It is very humbling to ask for additional help. However, this is the road toward more independence for now. It will not always be this way. This is how I will recover and be better.

At one point I was fearful I was on my way out of this world. Thankfully, it was a low-sodium level without major repercussions.

I believe I am grieving over the death of my grandma. I think I am angry because I had to do whatever the medical staff said just days after returning from her funeral. So, I did not get the chance to process the whole thing slowly and fully.

There were moments of healing that took place during the time I stayed with my mama for the funeral and at the funeral itself.

My friends Sandra and Doug just getting their hugs helped so much and the time to talk with Sandra and my family members as well. I do regret not talking to all the family because I am very self-conscious in ways, especially if it is like not knowing them.

I am grateful for making sure there was peace made with those I could and for recognizing my changes and theirs. I want to keep changing and do even better.

I decided with everything that has taken place, to make sure people know I love them and hope only the best for them.

One key message at the start of my journey was I have no control over people, places, and things. I can only control my decisions and actions. I still have a hard time accepting that at times to the point I attempt to still try to control people, places, and things.

However, I still find the answer of not mine to control. All these things change when I surrender and realize acceptance is the only answer. Sometimes I feel I am blind feeling my way around these same things. Thank goodness, for The Grace of God!

Surrender to win what a paradox!

Early on in my journey, I read a definition of true ambition. While I did not know how to get there, I knew it was something I wanted. I am not saying I have it all now, but I am on the road to learning it.

Here is the definition I read: “True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.” (Taken from the book The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions by Alcoholics Anonymous Pages 124-125).

In the end, we are forced into change by the things around us or we can choose the changes now by simply making decisions and acting on them. Make no mistake, by not deciding and not acting on it, you are still making a choice and then you are forced only into what comes.

I have decided to live in peace with myself and not be forced.

John 21:18 (ESV)

Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!