friends

It Is A War But It Is Not My Fight

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Rosie The Raccoon Photo by Michael Radin and Tonya Day December2024.

Hey, Y’all!

I am grateful I can write. I have cried over changes and my emotions flooding my face in the past two weeks. To recap I contracted an infection that has gone through my entire central nervous system. It affected me to the point of strep throat and osteomyelitis. I also lost control of bodily functions in the short term until I became hospitalized.

I am going through challenging adjustments.

Before I get too far, I am thankful for my wound clinic team and driver, my home health nurses, my family, and my friends. I need you forever and I want to be there for you.

I feel prayers and love.

I cried in large part because I was not prepared for how hard it is to take care of myself as well as the pain. I am giving a special shout-out to my friends who got me comfort food and beverages. My friend who picked up my apartment did laundry made my bed and waited for me to get in my bed and get my medications.

I am a grown man with the little boy inside me afraid but going through the dark to come out the other side.

I love me enough to heal. I am thankful I can show up for myself today.

I have to take a break and think about sleep- 2:09 am

I am behind the keyboard and monitor to write Wednesday, November 11th, 2024. at 10:03 pm.

Today was a long day, but it was good, even if it was painful. I didn’t think before getting into the hospital van that I couldn’t just pick up my foot, as always, it’s painful to heal.

Unfortunately, a narcotic is necessary. I am being careful checking in and letting people know what I am doing so I do not go backward; besides there are only so many I am allowed and then no more so making them stretch as long as I can. I am doing what is necessary to heal.

Today I went to the wound clinic to get my wraps changed on my feet and legs. I went to my primary doctor after the wound clinic, and then I came home and had physical therapy this afternoon. I took myself off all of my diabetes medicine and controlled my blood sugars through diet alone, which is impressive!

I am grateful for everyone’s good wishes, thoughts, and prayers.

I titled this entry “It Is A War, But It Is Not My Fight” That is because God used everyone and has pulled me through one more time. He is even using a doctor I originally had years ago in St Louis, and here we are in small-town Missouri.

A special blessing is one of my nurses who has been a nurse for a few of my hospital stays or Tech  (I am not sure of the correct title), Tonya. She means the world to me regardless of the outcome I am not looking to gain anything but unconditional love and friendship. I could be related to her husband I am still having to verify exactly how, but like a 5th or 6th cousin.

There is always more to share but I am tired again I had to take a few hours’ nap and now I need more sleep.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

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May 2016

Hey Y’all!

I am back!

Right before Christmas, I was in ICU for a day and I was moved to a regular room for another several days. I remained ill for some time and the rest has been trying to get back to life.

I am very blessed to have people praying, calling, and answering when I call as well. I also received a few cards for which I am grateful and over three months late in thanking people for them.

I struggle with trying to find a normal routine.

Tonight, something happened to help me find my happy place in writing again. A teenage Boy Scout interviewed me! His dad, who is a friend of mine, was present. But it was in his dad’s prompting and his asking me questions that I realized I want to organize my thoughts better and be more dedicated to the things I love which also enrich my spirituality.

The funny part in all of this is they were coming after a scout meeting to give jump the battery of a car I am driving at present. But they more than helped me. I hope that I was of help to them also.

I had every intention of going to bed early, but I became excited enough to write.

Everything that I love points back to God. It is because of God that I am reminded of everything I love that feeds the soul and connection between others, me, and God. I am here because of God and others are around because of God and connecting with my soul seeing me when I do not.

Sometimes chance meetings or interviews are just divine appointments reminding us that we are genuine and that we have a message to share. The most important message sometimes that we have to share comes from deep within our souls that we also need to hear.

What I heard from my friend sharing with his son about my story in that little bit of time reminds me more, we are walking each other home. It feeds my soul. We feed each other.

The boy inside of me needs to hear the message inside of me in my soul. If you catch me most days, I deny how I love people; but I am wrong. I love people! I want to know, share, and exchange with others our stories.

I say I hate people in a way to deflect because of the hurt I have caused and the hurt I felt. I say it sometimes to think that I am being funny. What I truly hate is the fact that each of us can hurt each other. It is painful and cuts us deeply with just a careless word.

Now there is another point here, and that is knowing when you must stand up for yourself and not allow yourself to be steam-rolled. Sometimes that includes a real fight and war. It means defending yourself and what is yours.

Is that not always the question, where is the balance? We find balance in the true message. Let’s keep seeking, walking, helping, loving, hoping, and praying.

It is good to be back, I love y’all!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

If Forgiveness Was Easy Would It Be Forgiving?

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Remembering my plants 2023

Hey, Y’All,

It has been a while since my last blog post entry. It seems I say that starting every entry.

Going through my journey has taught me a lot of life lessons. Some of those lessons I keep repeating. Some lessons I cannot seem to grasp. It is very similar to banging my head against the wall.

Before I share my experience lesson with forgiveness, I want to share I did celebrate 19 years of sobriety and clean time. You see this time is not possible without the work put into it. It is done because people have helped place tools before me and their help in guiding me.

Forgiveness comes down to letting go of my thoughts and realigning them with harmony in this life. It takes prayer and asking forgiveness for myself. Even in what I imagine as harm to myself I can cause harm to others. In most cases, I have done just that.

I must realize once more that I am powerless over people, places, and things. My dependence upon God in this lesson is vital yet, I feel far away. I am asking for his help and again letting go of the rock that will for sure drown me.

Forgiveness is akin to going through grief to process everything.

This weekend may not be the healthiest I have been coping with the sadness by eating comfort foods and being thankful for the same plants that were destroyed through what I perceived as harmful to me.

Someone else gave them to give me happiness and hope. I went through anger and perhaps some anger is still left. I am mostly sad and feel bad that I allowed it to make me angry. Then I cried and felt bad that perhaps I even appeared ungrateful for the original gift. I am grateful I was given the chance to grow something living.

My tomatoes were just beginning to grow, and the peppers were just multiplying. To have it all stopped by things beyond my control was heartbreaking!

All of life and living things and beings are a gift. How blessed we are to experience life in different ways.

Just like anything else you work for and work through, forgiveness means freedom.

Forgiveness has become another lesson in freedom and once more doing the next right thing. It is important to be the best version of me I can be.

The best version of me means being good to others and myself. It means taking care of myself and doing what is necessary to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Forgiveness means I am not blocking any healing.

Change is uncomfortable but necessary. I must do whatever is necessary to make it through this situation at hand. Including finding a healthy closure so it can be put to rest. It will take physical work to make the symbolic pieces laid to rest. I want peace more than being right. I must remind myself of how often I have been forgiven.

This has been one of the hardest lessons to walk through.

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

I Am Loved By God Family Friends and Me

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Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

There are friends, family, and people I don’t even know in some ways: I wish to thank them for their heartfelt condolences, prayers, and thoughts. You know who you are on Facebook and other places, offline people too, I felt so much encouragement. It was a blessing reconnecting and healing as well.

I am trying to take things I have learned in processing things and put them to use in my life now that I am home.

Life is truly short. This is not new; it is just more real to me now than ever. Time stops for no one as they but there are moments it feels like a lifetime of missed opportunities. I hope I am living every day to the fullest from here on out.

Families and all relationships are messy. I told one of my brothers I do messy all by myself. I love my family and miss them all.

Not everything has to be catastrophic today. Life is a process of many events and love makes the difference. We love the best we know how, and when we learn better, we do better. We have a lifetime of adventures to still live out.

I am reminded of the fact that there is a time for everything under Heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (ESV)

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Hindsight is 20/20, especially in love and war. With messy lives, it often feels like love and war. We will fight to keep our family and to keep love alive. It is hard and painful at the most inopportune moments, but if it were easy, we would just keep taking it for granted. Do you not agree?

There is always something to be grateful for no matter what. If I can just remember this in all things.

One of my new lessons is when things are aggravating and stressful is to say. “Praise The Lord!” I can see a situation for what it is and believe me I need more improvement, but it makes me less anxious than the alternatives.

Life is what you make it, right? I will do the best I can just for today!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Preparing The Year’s End

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Thanksgiving 2021

Hey, Y’all!

Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

While there are so many things going on in the world, there is much to be grateful for.

I have been off my game this year by being more vocal and about an attitude of gratitude. I do want to walk with thanksgiving in my heart and to live it daily. There have been a lot of changes and many goals with grand intentions, but not been reached.

Some of those goals have been due to regression of healthy living and some because my health took a bad turn.

I am praying everything is more caught up with wound care as this week I will be getting some grafts put in wounds to promote healthy skin tissue as a jumpstart in the wound beds for healing.

This year was quite different for my Thanksgiving. I was not concentrating so much on the meal. I was grateful for a day of rest. It is still a bittersweet time as one of my dearest friends passed away just days before Thanksgiving.

My friend always persevered through and let nothing stop her. I know in my heart she fought her fight until there was nothing left to fight. That is how she lived and will always be remembered as such.

She never let anyone go hungry. There was always a way to make a meal out of nothing much. She was there to listen and share. She saved any judgment for all the facts. The truth will always shine.

I am grateful that Millie was my friend we shared many laughs and tears. We sometimes laughed through tears. I love you, my friend.

I know I touched on this in another pot. Whether it was one before this or in a draft for one coming up, I am not sure. Millie was a great friend.

Life happens in the middle of my writing and often a break is needed.

I am back here writing. There is so much that has happened this year and even in the past three months. It has been a roller coaster ride.

Sometimes to stop the roller coaster you must get yourself in that quiet moment to yourself. In that quiet moment is where prayer and meditation happen. If you listen peacefully inside, you can hear that still small voice inside.

At that moment you can have your confession and praise for the things that have helped you along the way. It is also a time when you are confronted with your wrongs and how to make them right.

This is where I ask for direction to move forward. I need my thought life redirected many times throughout the day.

Thanksgiving is exactly the time for our thoughts to be redirected to that for which we are thankful. It is a time when we can reflect on that which truly matters and let of that keeping us oppressed.

We do not have to stay depressed or let our thoughts overtake us if we just allow that which is true to light.

  • I am thankful for devoted friends.
  • I am thankful I can change my thought life
  • I am thankful for the light that shows the lies I have been willing to believe.
  • I am thankful for the time to confess my wrongs and right them.
  • I am thankful for the ability to change my behaviors.
  • I am thankful for the tools I have been given to cope with this journey.
  • I am thankful for joy.
  • I am thankful for being able to take back that which I have let go of or otherwise stolen from me.
  • I am thankful for the chance to celebrate others’ lives.
  • I am thankful for the opportunity to heal.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

The Adult Has To Play Well With Others

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My Peace Lily Hoping To Get Another

Hey, Y’all!

Sometimes I know exactly what I am going to say in my post before I get it out. I just never know the ending or what it will look like at the end. I am just as surprised as you most of the time. It is like, who knew?

Did any of you all your mama say, “I am surprised at you?”

Mine did, I would respond with, I know me too! Not a good thing to say back. I am just saying.

In the last few posts, they have all been random. This one is no different.

Playing well with others was never a true statement for me. I loved to do my own thing. I still do in fact.

I find out doing my own thing after Friday nights and well even though the week, once I turn my phone off for the night, I have a lot more peace.

I did not even think this weekend through it just happened naturally. I took an extra day of rest. I felt guilty for a second. I then realized I must extend my hours for the next few months because I have a nurse, Nurse B. (Her name starts with B for real), and she is not a morning person.

You roll with punches, I guess. I will be done with my day at 6:30 pm. Fridays I will be finished with the day by 4:00 pm. Of course, that does not apply to my friends. If we have made plans, all the better.

I needed the extra rest today. I am supposed to be at an event online at this very moment and have my phone open. My plans changed. These things happen.

I know that the event is downloadable and will get to it at my earliest convenience. There was also a second event I had to say no to at the same time. I am hoping it will be downloadable or at least a stream online as well later. If not, oh well.

My neighbor friends have been missing me and at some point, I do need to be available for them as well. I do love them and care about them.

It is not just for the nurse I had to extend my hours it is also because I have had to schedule transportation for an eye doctor’s appointment next week. They could call anytime this week to confirm the appointment and confirm the time they are picking me up for the appointment.

I promised one neighbor a cake and I will make that tonight and have that ready for her in the morning.

I have yet to make supper, but I did get extra rest. It is just going to be a light supper, I think.

Here is a clue for someone out there asking, who is going to help me?

No one is coming. I have made a promise to love, care, protect, feed, and do what I must to keep myself at peace and in harmony with my surroundings. No one will do that for me.

The only thing coming is the wolves. I must keep them away from my door at all costs.

As a friend says, stay busy. Never forget where you came from.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

We Just Finished A Quarter Of The Year!

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Farmington Missouri 2021

Hey, Y’all!

Welcome to May 2022!

I am in the middle of doing a hard reset of my life. While it is Mel Robbins with the idea of doing a reset and training videos. I am grateful for her sharing the training videos. I have received a more in-depth look at everything.

I have more tools and systems to add to my toolbox. But I must say, even the Bible says there is nothing new under the sun. I have been in therapy for over twenty years and my therapist is the best in my book. He has asked many of the questions and wanted the same work done in this reset that is required.

So I am excited because it gave me a new way to look at those questions and figure out what I want and do not want in my life. What will my life look like if I have all the things I want my life to look like. It is just as important that I get to share this with my friends, family, and people who follow my journey.  

I had the opportunity to fill up my fun tank. I did a brunch with a friend. I got to implement my cooking in action by making a coffee cake and hash brown casserole. I am still learning to ask for help. Most of the time, I admit it comes down to me conceding to the fact I need help.

Sometimes I am surprised when it turns out to be a successful day. It is about connecting with another human being and living life on a spiritual plane. Sharing and loving each other. Taking action. Love and respect in action.

I have been missing the tools that have been right in front of me the whole time. The missing link had been learning how to take action. There is a way designed for tools to work, but the difference is the know-how.

The way to conquer the goals and larger achievements is by doing the small things. Doing the small steps to take a bigger stride.

I am a visual learner with hands-on. This means yes I want control. I have to see it in black and white at least, if not even color-coded, highlighted with exclamation points, and underlined. The bottom line is to just do the action!

When I get to check off what I have completed I feel accomplished. Seeing is believing! I am laughing as I write this part because it is hilarious that this is exactly how I act in real life when given a set of instructions. It is also usually followed up by, are you sure this is right?

Often I think up every reason why not to follow the directions or divert from the original plan. However, I  have to go back and read the original directions and just do what is directed.

I am resetting folks! Do you need a reset? I will be sharing more along this journey.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Spring Reset With Mel Robbins And Catching Up Currently

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“You can’t control how you feel. But you can always choose how you act.” — Mel Robbins

Hey, Y’all!

I am at the last minute getting information out about a very important opportunity that could change your life.

The other evening I was going through my Facebook feed when I came across Mel Robbins offering a free Spring Reset 3- Part training. Mel Robbins is a motivational speaker. I jumped on the chance for this opportunity and hope that many others take this FREE Opportunity as well. Please Click The Link  https://courses.melrobbins.com/reset you will not be disappointed.

I have followed the instructions thus far and already have the training 1 video waiting for me to watch and work through in my email.

I have shared before and continue to share that a year ago when I was in the hospital and rehabilitation Nursing Home, I would not remain the same when I returned home.

I was released the Weekend of July 4th, 2021. My Independence Day personally, was July 4th, 2021. When friends did what they could but especially one friend who asked someone to help me move to a street-level apartment.

My life has not been the same since coming home that day. I have not, nor has anyone else found it necessary to call an ambulance for myself since the Spring of 2021. I want to continue my journey of change.

I am down to two wounds on my left extremity on either side of my ankle. A year and a half ago we were looking at 11-15 wounds total and maybe even more than that. I have lost a total of 75 pounds in the last year and I am hoping to press on beyond that.

I have made my apartment home and refer to it as my house. I feel like I am a sponge taking in everything I can learn, hoping to implement more changes in my life. I have plenty of room for improvement and want more than anything to keep growing and changing.

Emotionally and spiritually there has been an improvement in not having to take other people’s temperatures to see if I am okay.

I am closer to God than I have been in almost the whole seven years I have moved to South East Missouri. Again I have much room for improvement. I am finding I am for once, reasonably happy and content in my surroundings.

I am finding joy in my life. I have accused others of stealing my joy and maybe one or two monsters that were once in my life did steal my joy. But I realize today, I mostly traded my joy for fear, anger, resentment, hatred, self-loathing, and self-pity, Do you get it? I became my monster.

I am working to rid myself of all the monsters today.

I am learning to surrender, pray, and meditate. I have hope and a future.

I get the choice to listen to others and realize they help me more as I listen.

I do not have to defend myself today in stories others may hear about me or see. I have both been a good friend and a jerk. Both are true.

My life is not even close to what it once was and I am pushing forward.

Let’s Do this Spring Reset With Mel Robbins

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Here We Go Again Another Round At The ER

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

He Y’all I am up late tonight behind the keyboard once more.

My heart is heavy and have some concerns as I must get up in the morning and head to the emergency room at the hospital. Today I got a call late from the wound clinic that the Nurse Practitioner wants me to go to the emergency room to have my feet checked out. They are not evidently and or going in the right direction of healing.

I have several good things on my side though. I have a praying Mama and Grandma. I also have several friends praying and most people I miss terribly. But I have never felt so cared for by so many people. I have a good friend willing to take me to the hospital.

I promised my Mama I could go back to sleep, and I am exhausted even though I did sleep all evening. I had my friendly helper fry up some hamburger and all I had to do was put it together with cheese, chips, sour cream, and guacamole for some simple nachos.

However, I had to stop and ask her to finish it because I got weak all the sudden. I should have sat down to do it in hindsight. I got about a 1/4 of it down and I am taking bites of some more of it as I write this entry. But once I ate, I knew I had to lay down and I am blaming most of it on not sleeping well the night before.

I had overslept and the nurse said she had come by to change my dressings. I never heard or call or knock on the door /ring the bell. Thankfully I woke up before a great panic set in to call my friend who has a key to my apartment and the whole thing start with calling my mom. I called the nurse, and she came back by 1:30pm.

When she started unwrapping my legs and feet, I had pain. There is a calloused part starting to look like it could open into a wound. This is not a good thing as I just got off the IV antibiotics through the PICC Line I had in my arm through my rehab and all.

Also, the night before I started throwing up. I had chalked it up to some food not agreeing with me. However, I also know this could have been a sign and I just thought of it now. So, one more thing I must tell the doctors in the morning.

The blood tests they did which is routine was some highs and some lows and I never can figure it all out, but I was doing better when I was on my protein shakes for sure.

I am trying to get all of this out of my head so I can stop worrying.

When I finally did call my Mama, I admitted I was afraid about even going to the hospital and did not want to go, but we both know I must. She prayed for the fear to go, and I prayed for her to have supernatural rest and that her husband be healed of his ailments and that God will heal my Mama in ways that He knows she needs to be healed.

My living room/office is clean and mostly decluttered. I will not get to enjoy it so much tomorrow. It makes me sad we got it clean for me just to leave for the hospital. At least it will be clean when I come home.

I am leaving between 9:30 and 10:00 am to head to the hospital. Now to make a list for in the morning of things I want to take including a list of my medications and all.

I am going to try to take a short walk. I want to enjoy the midnight air. So maybe just on this short sidewalk in front of my apartment. I will have my phone with me.

I will get back to sleep and wake in the morning. Oh, also I need to call my therapist so he knows everything going on and maybe I will talk to him just shortly before this whole ball starts rolling tomorrow.

I have some tears and it is okay as I do have a lot to cry over and a lot to be grateful for both. I guess my prayer is that Jesus takes the wheel and bring me back whole somehow. This is a hard walk. I wish I could hug everyone. I am sure you think I am just being dramatic, but it is scary, and I love every one of you. God Bless you and keep you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Time Is Up! What Have I Done

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Photo by SenuScape on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all!

It is good to be back behind the keyboard again. I am sorry it has been so long. My life has stayed turned upside down and I am still searching for answers and resolves in turning things around. I have no real answers right now, just a hope that I can keep on keeping on!

On August 28, 2021, I celebrated my 17th year of being clean and sober. But there is more that does still have to change. I feel so broken in ways to the point of just being in pieces waiting for God to show me how I go back together.

I have wanted to reinvent myself in so many ways. With some I feel they are telling me time is up! Do it or do not do it. With others they are just patiently waiting with God waiting for me to step forward to take the action needed to help myself.

I have had to isolate a lot for health reasons and a lot of bitter tears asking how, when, and why?

I cannot seem to shake loose everything that has happened since coming home from the rehab and moving. The moving happened within 48 hours of coming home from the rehab. I feel like I turned a corner and jumped on runaway train. All the while screaming I want things back and I want to let loose of all that is not good for me.

Some of my most cherished friends I miss most of all, even the ones that are walking with me. Have I lost them? That is what is screaming inside my head so loudly, yet in the silence. I cannot seem to find my way back to who I am.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!
Hymn Lyrics

The God of all in my understanding and as I may not understand Him is where I find refuge right now.

I still have good dreams on how to live my life out loud. even though the nightmares still come. I walk a little way and I fall. But I refuse to stay down maybe that’s why I can still see His mercy and grace upon my life.

I really do want change in my life.

Maybe now is the time to go back to the basics of reading and hearing the true words I need. The words that remind me of who I am.

There are some people ready to help if I will just ask. How do I let go of my will?

I cry out when I am alone for fear certain people are gone. But there they are just waiting.

I have a story to tell its just waiting for me to form the words. My words are like paint, and they will paint a picture when they are true. I am not sure which way to turn but I must take a step for anything just something to change.

I hope when it is all ready, I will be standing up right and my hand stretched to yours as we give and take and come away from each other changed from where we once were.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!