changes

I am Answering My Own Questions

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
man in brown shirt standing on train rail near coconut palms

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Hi Everyone,  

My days and nights are still mixed up, but I finally slept enough to feel better and some tension is relieved.  

It was very hard week for me physically. However, now with the much-needed sleep and rest I think I can heal more. 

I challenged us all to answer questions and I did. I have not discussed them with friends yet. I did discuss them with my therapist who is like a friend in my mind, anyway. 

Here are my answers: 

1.What are you doing to take care of yourself?  

I am sleeping when I can. I am eating at least two meals a day maybe three on good days. I am keeping up with doctors and medications. I am meditating and praying for others. 

  1. How are you sleeping? 

I am sleeping erratically but getting it in. 

  1. How are you eating? 

A lot of the time I am earing too much but at least getting in two meals a day. 

  1. What exercises are helping you? 

Walking is helping a lot.  

  1. Are you really taking quiet time or are you justday dreamingand whistling in the dark?   

I am really taking quiet time and doing my best to shut out the negative voices. I am doing my best at arranging my home to be a sanctuary of calmness. (Decluttering is key). The other part is I think some of us, just can’t always meditate. We are always on overload much of the time, so some days it’s hard not to be just whistling in the dark. 

  

  1. What are you doing to help someone else? 

I blessed someone else with something they needed that I could get for them.  

  1. Are you taking precautions for covid-19?

I am not taking too many trips out; I am staying in for the most part and staying clean. 

  1. What areas have you improved on in your life? 

I am a work in progress. I am working on facing me more when I am alone. I am learning to compromise more. 

  1. What areas in your life need work? 

All of the areas of my life need work with a regular schedule. 

  1. Will you hold on for one more day? 

Yes, I will take each day at a time. 

  1. How much hope do you have? 

I have more hope today than a week ago. 

  1. What’s one positive thing you love about yourself?

That I can be under a lot of stress and finally get sick enough of it to get up anyway and at least set a plan in motion to change things. I am edging other’s opinions about me out because they are none of my business. 

The advice I am giving myself is to go over these questions every two or three days, in hopes of just being accountable to myself. 

I am also still encouraging myself to discuss these questions with one or two friends. 

We often say, if we knew better, we would do better. I want to do better and not according to anyone else’s standards. Every day is a work in progress.  

 10 Things I am Thankful For: 

  1.  Sleep 
  1. The ability to know myself and listen to what my body is telling me what I need 
  1. That I don’t want to stay stagnant and whiny about others or feel the need to criticize others always. 
  1. Healing  
  1. Smiles and joy 
  1. I have been able to provide a roof over my head continuously for over 3 years going on 4 years. 
  1. That I can take criticism when it is shared in a nice way 
  1. My bills are paid  
  1. That I am doing better at admitting wrongs more promptly 
  1. I am not going hungry

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

 

 

 

Covid-19 What Is Normal?

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
photo is one I had

Hi Everyone,  

It’s been quite a while since I have written anything. I have gone through a gamut of emotions and thoughts. I have had a lot of different experiences.  

I have needed a long break and physically writing is very hard on my hands and fingers. 

When we entered the year 2020, we all knew it would be a different year. None of us including officials could be prepared for COVID-19. Oh, did you think I wouldn’t bring it up? It’s been all of our experience hoping for it to pass.  

It’s been the marking of an end of eras for many people and saying goodbye to many people who have made our world go around. Some have lost loved ones. Who, where, what, do we blame? 

Talks of a new normal, is now normal. What does that look like? How do we reconcile our faith and hope? Do our dreams count anymore? 

I realize this post may be all over the map and hard to follow. So is life these days. 

I basically took a week off of Facebook except I did check in once or twice, once was just get a picture saved in my albums. I wish I could say it was enough for me to have felt grounded. On the other hand, I know it was good for me.  

I want to start limiting my time more on Facebook on a regular basis and go back to remembering why it was so great to reconnect. I want to grow as a person who is more than just a human being and is spiritual.   

I am not there by a long shot. I know myself to be too selfish.  I am one who bought toilet paper to last 2-3 months at a time when I could. I started running out around stay at home orders. This has been difficult knowing I can no longer do this. 

I am trying as of today, to catch up to people. Just in short bits is all I can really handle, and that is on me. I am the one with the problem. 

My wonderful therapist has been asking about the writer. He is wonderful, really. I don’t always take direction, but I should. I need to press through the difficulty and remain grateful. I am finding that hard to do. 

It is hard to keep writing because I do want a positive spin on everything but that’s not how it is in living it out. I am trying to get there in my own way and definitely on my own terms! 

Trigger warning for cuss phrases: I say WTF out loud and to myself probably 20 times in one day, maybe more. 

Life is a lot like that poppet game; where you pound the ground hogs with a hammer game at fairs and what not. You pop one problem and they keep coming in. You get to accept a new normal for the day and here’s a dozen more all at once. I mean WTF?  

Okay I am done with cussing for the moment. But here’s the thing, it doesn’t serve me well. My blood pressure rises and I am to a point of screaming. I can’t even blame that on my growing up or parents. I think I may have come out of the womb that way. 

Some questions now might be as a follow up: 

1.What are you doing to take care of yourself? 

2. How are you sleeping? 

3. How are you eating? 

4. What exercises are helping you? 

5. Are you really taking quiet time or are you just day dreaming and whistling in the dark? 

6. What are you doing to help someone else? 

7. Are you taking precautions for covid-19? 

8. What areas have you improved on in your life? 

9. What areas in your life need work? 

10. Will you hold on for one more day? 

11. How much hope do you have? 

12. What’s one positive thing you love about yourself? 

These 12 questions are important for you to answer to yourself and maybe discuss with someone else. All kidding and jokes aside. They also could point to you needing someone to talk to professionally. 

I personally will be pondering these questions for the next few days and see how honest I can answer these questions. I plan to discuss them even in my circle of friends and therapist.  

Here’s your challenge to getting to be the best version of you possible, just for today. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

November Is National Gratitude Month

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everybody, 

November is National Gratitude Month. For a handful of years, I have always tried to keep November as full of gratitude and some of those years were very difficult, but it has worked. 

November does seem the test of my gratitude. Remembering what I have and the people surrounding me. 

I love November for more than the holiday of Thanksgiving, it is remembering to give thanks through all kinds of different times. It is usually a time I remember for the sacredness of each evening and especially the weekends. 

I am hoping I do better at contacting my mom this month. She has been a great support all of my life. Even when she may not have been so happy with my choices, she answered the phone and had an I love you. 

My true friends are the same way. Some of them I am gathering with tomorrow evening for a bonfire. I was telling one it’s going to be like home coming. I am grateful for times like these and get all excited like a kid at Christmas or some other fun fest. 

Yesterday I was grateful for a ride out to the deep country with my friend. Though I was asleep most of the way there, it was just a chance to hang out. 

Tonight, my sacred time is in writing this blog entry. I am grateful for it. It makes me grateful too because in the middle of it I had four different conversations going about the bonfire, and finding I had friends helping from every angle, for a ride for me to get there. 

We thought we had it worked out but plans changed slightly for a few of us and needed to reassess the situation. It’s all working out. I am grateful for that and grateful someone could answer yes. 

Today was visiting a friend in the hospital and I am grateful she is being released tomorrow. It’s not just about celebrating and being grateful for things in my life; also, it is celebrating and being grateful for things in others’ lives. 

Gratitude changes us and gets us out of our own head. 

I am no saint. I still get moody, roll my eyes, and say things maybe not so nice. However, when I practice gratitude it all gets better. I get better. We don’t have to stay dark and gloomy. Just for today. 

  • I am grateful for my mom. 
  • I am grateful for friends. 
  • I am grateful for gratitude. 
  • I am grateful I can change. 
  • I am grateful for the wonderful things happening in others’ lives. 
  • I am grateful for bonfires. 
  • I am grateful for others that they pitch in and help. 
  • I am grateful for the grey skies and sunny skies both. 
  • I am grateful for rides to the country to fall asleep in the car. 
  • I am grateful for smiles and caring. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Night Time Prayer and Changes and Pauses

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

We continually take our inventory and try to step back immediately when something is amiss.   

I am still working on my fourth step and dragging my feet a bit. 

However tonight at a meeting we went over making sure our ground is safe and how to ask for help.  

I just also admit that at times when things are going rough, I still do want a drink. But I think it through today, just like I have the past 15 years. Nothing is worth my sobriety today. 

Tonight, we studied on the way we ask for help. The prayer above shows how we might end our day but we begin each day with asking God to direct our thinking. 

There’s no need to keep on adding to the wreckage along our journey. We have clear it each time we cause it. We get better as we do it. 

One clear idea is that we grow and change or we die. I want to be better each day and some days I do accomplish that. Some days are where Iam busy making amends along the way. No one is perfect and we want progress for sure. 

Our secrets only kill us. It’s to our benefit to be open with another human being. We can also get help in discovering our motives and hopefully rid ourselves of contempt and hate for others. 

We learn to look at our foes as sick people and ask God how we may be of help to them with right motives. 

We make apologies and admit where we are wrong. Sorry is not an apology!  

It’s about learning to be sober and living quality lives. We clean our side of the street as we go and make use of what we learn along the way.  

When we stop growing and refuse to change, we begin to become ill and we are headed for death. For us to drink, is to die. 

The Prayer above is just one more way to be God-Conscious and to concede we are not alone, ever.  

We get the chance to live, learn, listen, and share. Our prayers do not go unheard.  

Change is not always easy. We may not always be willing. But we do concede when we are faced with calamity, that change must take place.  

Today I don’t want to stay stuck. I have a choice to get up and make changes or I die. It really is that simple for the alcoholic. 

I choose life. 

  • I am grateful for the gatherings. 
  • I am grateful we each get to share. 
  • I am grateful for the chance to be around others who want to grow and thrive even when we are tired. 
  • I am grateful to be God-Conscious today.  
  • I am grateful not every day is chaotic as it once was. 
  • I am grateful I get to give of myself today. 
  • I am grateful God hears my prayers. 
  • I am grateful to be losing interest in selfish things. 
  • I am grateful for therapy even when it too maybe too hard at times and I resist it. 
  • I am grateful for the honest feedback from others today. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

Drunk Dreams, Nightmares, and Feelings, You’re Okay

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everyone,  

While I made some grammar errors yesterday, I am just glad to have made an entry.  

In recovery at times when feelings come up you have to recognize them as just that, feelings. They are real and there is a valid reason for them but they don’t have to dictate your recovery or life. 

I got shook to my core again yesterday when I learned someone dear to me had to pick up a drink again. I realized I was no different given any other day. 

Without help and hope, I too could pick up again with no check in place. Consequently, when I deal with the real the feelings come up. The inventory I have been taking is bringing up past memories again and I was hoping I was over it. 

It is less fearful for me in this process than in the past. But drink dreams and nightmares are happening and it’s okay. It’s such a relief to wake up and know it’s not real.  

But here again I have to go back and realize I have not had regular spiritual maintenance in some time. Sure, maybe I have said some prayers, do therapy, and attended some meetings. However, it’s not enough without taking action in my life and truly facing the truth. 

I am so grateful I get told I will get through this. This is dealing with the feelings and learning to put them in check. This is dealing with the untreated alcoholism somewhere in my path. 

I can do this and I am okay. That’s the best part I have a chance to stay in recovery. We say, if we knew better, we’d do better. Well here’s my chance to prove it in my life. I can do better today. 

If I am willing to take direction then I have a chance be sober today and not have to throw up every single feeling in a meeting. I did enough throw up for a life time, when I was a wet drunk. 

Today one day at a time in recovery I can pack something of substance in the stream of life if I am honest open minded and willing. 

Feelings are just feelings; they are not necessarily real or fictional. Drunk dreams are not real. Nightmares are not real. Isn’t it just a relief to know we are better than what we have dreamed or felt? 

I’s all a process. 

  • I am grateful for life today and want the best I can have. 
  • I am grateful many have recovered and made it through this process. 
  • I am grateful I am willing to recover today and not just sit on the side lines staying sick and getting sicker. 
  • I am grateful others share their stories with me and Iam not so different. 
  • I am grateful I can share my story today too and I am getting stronger with each step.   
  • I am grateful for friends I get to have in my life today.  
  • I am grateful nightmares and drunk dreams are not real. 
  • Iam grateful I don’t have to be a nightmare in someone else’s life today. 
  • I am grateful there’s power in numbers today. 
  • I am grateful when I feel weak, I have someone strong encouraging me to pick myself up. I can do it and together we can. 

Thank you for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody!