changes

Working On Updating Two New Pages To Boxcar Mike

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Photo by: Michael D Radin

Hi Everyone!

I am currently in the middle of drafting two new pages to be added to Boxcar Mike.

One of the pages will feature recovery link resources.

The second page will have the cooking shows I watch and follow on Facebook and Youtube social media.

In my most recent post, I mention how important it is for me to have a routine and schedule. I hope to share more content such as pictures and more specifically, sharing how I live out my daily life.

I have a list of things to do today. These things include laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cooking, taking out the trash, and walking.

There is always plenty of action to be taken. This is where my phrases of doing the next right thing and first things first, come in as help to remind me to breathe in and out. The next right thing is to take the action.

Lists are helpful for me, but it means taking action again. Lists are not helpful if you don’t take the action. I sometimes have made lists and have not even taken the first step. It all just becomes words on paper never getting anything done.

There are many times when I must keep moving items to be done to the next day’s list. That is until I bite the bullet and complete, said items.

It is the simplest things that can determine how my day goes with my reaction to taking charge of them. The important thing is for me to keep moving forward with exercise health, faith, prayer, and meditation.

Sometimes I must stop in the middle of something go back to the last next right thing. For instance, I had to stop writing for a minute and go grab my phone and put it on the charger, so it is fully charged for my walk.

When walking any distance alone I must have my phone with me for any emergency and my safety. But anyone who knows me, knows I hate being attached to a phone. I think I was born a rule breaker. The phone has that rule of reminding of a routine.

I have rebelled against a routine because I just wanted freedom. I am finding out today that having a routine does give me freedom. It is just about breaking habits now. I mean the habits that get in the way of me following a routine.

I hate discussions on habits, but I know I will be asked about it. It is the habit of laziness and wanting to pull the covers over your head and scream at people to get out!

I am constantly questioning my motives in doing everything because, in the past, all my motives did not always have the best intentions. Here is the best thing about questioning myself today; I have better choices to make.

I do not always choose the better choices. But again, there rings that freedom in making choices. I can always improve.

I went back to writing on my routine again.

The original intent of this entry was to update you on what I plan to add to this blog. Well, originally, I was going to try to feature this stuff on Facebook and have people come over there and interact with me there.

However, Facebook just didn’t have the appeal to me as the platform to share the same pages.

So here we are. I hope to get more updating done today but it will come after my list of stuff to get done.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Yall Everybody!

Making Choices I Can Live With Without Regrets

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Hi Everyone!
I am having my coffee and cigarette at 3:00 am this morning with a climate temperature of 46°. I am listening to my pandora app reminding me of yesteryear in country music.

Remembering Barbara Mandrell and Pam Tillis. You cannot remember Pam Tillis w/out remembering her father Mel Tillis, who sang “CocaCola Cowboy” Johnny Paycheck “Take This Job and Shove It.” Those artists take me back to a simpler time. But I am not here to talk about country artists. They are favorites I am listening to while waking up with my mug of hot coffee and cigarette.

I love the fact I slept 3 hours wake up to my super clean apartment.

Now, most of the cleaning I have done to keep myself. I am living in the habit of cleaning, which has been fully ingrained in me. If it took 55 years, so be it. I love the apartment that I do call my house.
Yesterday I interview and hired with the agency a caregiver. She had me at the fact of moving things out from the edges of my kitchen to sweep and mop. She even makes her cleaning solutions at home. It is something she does for herself with her own home.

I think she is an old soul who cleans like a lot of our grandmas have and tried to pass down to us.
I am looking forward to becoming fully organized in my supplies, cleaning filing, and dresser drawers. The closets will not be hard to organize, because there is not much room in them, to begin with.
I have been staying busy doing a lot of cleaning and less eating. I ate poorly the last week and a half by overindulging in all kinds of foods to not feel.

I have been dealing with the fact of me trying to avoid the grief I have associated with a couple of deaths. The fact is I have to deal with death without using food. I also do not want to use lack of sleep to become constantly sleeping to avoid things. This has been my pattern in the recent past. I am making decisions to making choices to deal healthily with myself.

I am doing my best to break out of isolation and call people. If I have not called or visited some of you in a long time; I am working on it. It is not because I do not care. Today it is all about trying to keep a balance and get back into trying to get there with you. That is the people I have regularly been in contact with in the past.

I do want to live my best life possible in every way I can do so.
This kind of reminds me how when young wanting my own real family and getting them. The next thing I was doing everything I could to get away from them. Now being an adult and recovering from life itself; I am trying every which way I know how to get back with them again.

We all have and make our choices. Sometimes there are more chances and sometimes you run out of chances. Today I want to make choices that I can live with, without regrets.
Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!
God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Edit: For facts of Johnny Paycheck And Mel Tillis and their perspective songs.

Gratitude In Changes And Taking Care Of Myself

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Good morning!

Happy Tuesday morning.

I am looking forward to the day opening with almost having a heatwave of 58° here in Southeast Missouri. I am starting my day with gratitude for that alone. It is a wonderful day to open the apartment and let fresh air in.

It is also a wonderful day to get my walking in. I want more exercise than these four walls. I hope to get a few pictures hung. I want to enjoy myself just being at home with no nurse visits or helpers today.

I have a new caregiver coming on Wednesday. I want time to myself today.

  • I am grateful for a beautiful day.
  • I am grateful enjoying my coffee undisturbed and in relative silence.
  • I am grateful to share my experiences with others.
  • I am grateful for my genuine smile on the inside as well today.
  • I am grateful for regaining physical strength.
  • I am grateful I am not in the dumps today.
  • I am grateful for help and those who look out for me.
  • I am grateful for the choice to do better.
  • I am grateful there is the chance to live happy and purposeful.
  • I am grateful for family and friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put in a list.

I get the choice to take care of myself in effective ways today. For me, it must start with gratitude. Just being grateful to wake up today. To see the beauty in life. In another time and place that was a dream. Today it is my reality.

In doing everyday things to make my meals today. There were times I was unable to make myself a meal. Today I can.

I am also thinking about my one word for the year, which is the word, seek. I had a small thought of what that might mean for me this year. The truth being, some of the things I have shared in my recent posts, I had no idea I would share. The thing for me to recognize is I am not the same person today.

I have and will talk to God about those matters.

I am not willing to live a life based on anger and needless worry. I am not willing to stay in depression and pull the covers over my head every day.

I have issues to deal with. I will not let those issues overtake me today. As I am unable to live anyone else’s life nor can anyone live my life.

It has taken me years to stop taking your temperature to see if I am okay. Guess what? I am doing great! There are still areas of my life that need work and thank goodness for grace. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings today.

I got my own backyard and sidewalk to clean. I cannot be meddling in yours.
I am going to keep seeking a happy, joyous, and free life.

I also want to say I am grateful for all the teachers in my life. I have been told by others and believe them; I can have a good life. I am going for it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Seeing And FeelingThe Benefits Of Changes

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Good morning to Everyone!

Seeing and feeling the benefits of changes can help stay the course of action. My physical appearance seems to change for the better when I take the necessary actions. My emotional balance is even keel.

When I step on the scales of a morning it gives me feedback on how well I treated my body. This is dependent on the loss or gain of my weight. The healing comes in making such changes to my diet according to my choices.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I did not know I could make choices. Everything just happened to me was my mindset. I was a victim of my own circumstances.

I stayed a victim because I never picked up the tools of choices and change.

Every thought I allow matters. People could not understand me because I was different, you see. They did not know my life or how hard it was and what a victim I had been. Oh, poor me! All these things happened to me. What could happen if I had a choice?

My usual reply to that was I did not have a choice. But my ears perked up when I heard, meeting makers make it! Making it to a meeting to make it through life. Those meetings did not pay my bills or put food on the table. They only kept me as warm or cold for as long as they lasted.

The meetings did not guarantee me a job if I was not looking for a job.

Then came a point where I did get jobs. I could put food on the table. I could pay bills. I did not have any peace. I was still an angry, obese, alcoholic, and addict. I still did not make the changes necessary. I had the lingo down though.

Would having the lingo down and repeating what I hear be enough?

I stayed sick and got sicker as the disease was running my life because I allowed it to. There it was, I had made a choice! I made a choice to do nothing and expect everything on a silver platter. Oh, and people better straighten up and act right, according to my will and thoughts.

Who knew I was still playing God?

It is not like I just woke up one day and snapped out of it. Repeatedly for years went the line of: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, Page 58~” But my internal voice always said, but I am different!

I would make a few good changes and go back to my way of thinking. I would get grateful for a while, then get angry and stay that way.

Sooner later people would find out the doctors would find out there is something wrong with me. They did find something was wrong with me. I was not following any of their orders. I lacked self-discipline.

I was not ready to take certain steps. I did not and have not ever taken directions well. Many of us, became only willing as the dying can be in such times.

A year ago, I was on my way to getting out of this life on earth. Thirteen ambulance calls with an oxygen level of 82-89. I was hospitalized and then put in a rehabilitation center for close to a month.

I have received some benefits of healing. I am taking the necessary steps and making the changes the best I can in this twenty-four-hour period.

I am less angry and doing my best to hand that over to God each time it crops up. I am working through the steps of a program of recovery. More is being revealed.

The thoughts I allow today make changes. Those changes are both good and bad depending on the time and day. Every change begins with a thought.

What will I allow in my thoughts today? I have that choice today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Remembering I am A Spiritual Being Inside Flesh

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Hi Everybody,

Here I am in the first eight days of this new year. This time I may be going a little deep and getting to the root in my spirit, first purposed by God creating me. This is based on my beliefs.

This is all part of my journey because I believe coming into this world with harsh realities and not always having the support and care needed, we become conditioned, destroy our spiritual side.

Now that cannot be my excuse for who I am today. I have learned to take responsibility for my own behaviors that become my self-defeat.

There came a point where I knew life had to be better but somehow could not grasp on to the positive and loving reinforcements of love, care, and nurturing.

I have run so far from me in the things I previously sought out to escape the pain, hurt, and terror.

I bought the bitterness, rage, hate, and destruction because as I believed, it was the only way to defeat the evil that came upon me. I did not always consciously understand that I was being just as damaging to other people, places, and things that came upon me.

I became the tornado in other people’s lives continuing in the vicious cycle of self-affliction, blind and oblivious to the harm and injury I caused. I even called it love, much of the time in believing it was and trying to get others to believe it.

That is not to say it was all blind, in fact, I even had a list of people in my head That deserved the judgment, sentencing, and execution of my wrath upon them. Vengeance was paramount as far as I was concerned.

I kept on drinking the poison hoping the evil people would die.

What I was not comprehending is that all my efforts were killing me. Those other people were going on free as I stayed trapped inside myself and at times taking other hostages with me. The hostages were often innocent bystanders and unintended targets of my wrath.

Oh, the remorse I felt when confronted by my behaviors but often in a state of denial, and outright lying. In most cases, I was only remorseful because it was a negative thing. I had no understanding of the impact of my acting out upon others.

The changes started happening when I realized I could follow directions if it meant saving my own life.

I was in a relationship to have because I did not want to be alone. That relationship was 8-10 years of me waking up every day full of hate and wanting to die. I was incapable of being honest with anyone but mostly lying to myself.

In that relationship it was saying I hate you; I love You; I hate you please do not leave me!

It was a circumstance of convenience, self-preservation, using, abusing, self-indulgent, moments of trying to make a show of love as it became, an act. Mostly it was not comprehending the negative impact I caused upon us both.

It has been years of living amends facing the fact I was a sick alcoholic, and addict desperately searching for love in various kinds of ways. However, I was incapable of loving myself.

Today we are friends, and we get to at least share celebrations and grieve over friends and others who passed away. Life has gone on for both of us. But absolutely cheer each other on.

After bouts of drinking, smoking marijuana, pill-popping, and withdrawal somehow, I am staying clean and sober a little over 17 years. It has been at a slow pace but trudging through with changes. The changes are both great and small. But life-changing.


Each day I decide to either keep or rid myself of behaviors that no longer serve me. Make no mistake, it is a choice even living passively making no choice. That is still a choice that has been hard to comprehend.

Challenges gave come and gone. There are challenges that are still present but becoming smaller.

There are tools to help me today and friends that do encourage and support the positive changes in me. The prayer attributed as The St Francois prayer seems to be the way I wish to live out.

The only thing left now is to make direct amends and continue my living amends.

I want to repair the damage I have done and keep sweeping my side of the street. I want to recognize and acknowledge each day. Your side of the street is none of my business.

I am seeking out that spiritual side that heals the human part of me. This makes it possible to repair part of the damage I have caused. There is damage that is irreversible.

There is still a better life waiting.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

My Journey Of Gratitude Through Many Changes

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Hello Everybody:

It is good to be back at the keyboard in this season of Thanksgiving and to be able to share my gratitude with you.

Though we just celebrated the holiday of Thanksgiving, for me it is an all-year season of giving thanks. Some days seem easier in finding things to give thanks for or finding gratitude. However, every day there is always something to find gratitude for and to give thanks.

While this past year has been a roller coaster filled with dark moments, I did find other things to be grateful for and give thanks in just making it through each day. I will not say every second, I always gave thanks; however, I found through tears and laughter there was life beyond the moment.

The above I wrote several weeks ago. Today I want to add to that as I study through a program of twelve steps and a book written on the experiences of over the first one hundred people and how they found a way out of a hopeless state of mind.

I will tell you I have floundered my way through many years and even this past year through obstacles. I have an illness that was ready to take my very life from me if I let it.

I will start by saying I am grateful for the fact I am alive. There is a solution, there is hope, there’s grace, mercy, and work to do.

I am grateful for a program of action. I am grateful for the closed-mouth friends I have and the journey that has become so spiritual. It has caused me to pause for reflection and to look at the mental and spiritual struggle.

I am grateful for the truth that I can stop multiple behaviors that are not good for my soul if I choose to. I do not have to continue the same patterns over and over, yes at the same time, I have gone right back to them at times.

I am grateful for the awareness today, while I do not always choose the healthy choice. I have chosen better choices at times and other times not so great.

The awareness being that food has always been a drug of choice just as much my alcoholism was a drug of choice. Anything to not feel the way I felt or feel at times. I finally got the freedom to say I ate my feelings and emotions.

I must admit I did not know food would lead me down the same path as my alcoholism had. I am making changes and striving to stick with them.

The most perplexing part of this deal is you cannot just abstain from all food like you can alcohol or other substances.

In my own journey, I have found even other things I want more of because it is a soul sickness.

The healing is an inside job that will hopefully make outside changes as I get better. Some changes have shown outwardly. The realization is always coming to the point of I cannot do this alone.

It is only scratching the surface. It is heading in the right direction if I make the choice each day to do so. I can achieve living my best life. It will take more work, but I am grateful I do not have to die today. I want more of life and to help spread life to others.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Out With it All Hospital Rehab and Moved

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Howdy Everyone!

It has been a wild summer to say the least. It is one I would love a different do-over for.

It was early June in the wee hours of the morning I went to the hospital by ambulance. It was over 13 times of the ambulance being called to help me off the floor. I did not keep count. I finally relented and asked to be taken to the hospital.

The next day would be surgery on my wounds in the lower extremities of my limbs.

It is many medicines and a PICC Line of antibiotic and oral antibiotics. I did about 3 weeks of rehab in a nursing home, again nothing I want to relive.

I must keep getting stronger I do feel tired and weak, but I am determined! I will not be kept down. I am losing some weight finally. Cigarettes are the same as alcohol for me these days and right now I cannot seem to just say no.

After 3 weeks of rehab, I came home for a day or so and moved on Independence Day July 4th, 2021. Thanks first off to God a good friend who loves Yahweh and his friend. They are both totally sold out to Him.

There have been many helpers and people on the phone and internet to interact with and have encouraged me and I am grateful for that.

I am kicking Physical Therapy’s butt even if it feels like mine is being kicked instead. I have not had any falls since being home or falling out of bed.

In my first week of rehab, I felt it necessary to prove I could walk out to the patio and show off I did. I feel flat on my face and needed help getting up nothing damaged. Whew!

There have been traumatizing things along the way in my journey but being grateful for coming through is awesome!

My friend Jean and other neighbors are great. We share a small community group like and take care of each other. Jean has loaned me Cadillac which I renamed Jack the Cadillac, a rollator walker I use to do a lot of different things.

When I get tired I can sit on Jack or just out visiting on my own patio. I also want to mention a great blessing to get to know Bobby in the nursing home.

Because of him my friends Mike and Connie were there and found me there. They and along with others helped keep my sanity when cigarettes just could not do it all.

One of the best things happened during the biggest process of my move was Wren Jean’s husband Barbecued for us all on the 4th of July.  What a blessing!

I have my best buddy for years who never missed a move in my 18-20 years of knowing him who checks on me a lot and tells me the truth even when I may not care to hear it.

My recovery is rocking even when I am fatigued and feeling negative. God is with me each step of the way. I just have to keep on keeping on.

Kassi, I do not know what I would do without you, your clan, and the girls who have all checked on me like Joyce, Marie, Suzy, and others.

Well, I have to get ready another day of kicking Physical Therapy’s butt!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry for Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Sometime Alleluia, Sometimes Praise The Lord, Sometimes …

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Hi Everyone,

The title of this blog entry will be understood before the end.

I have done much grieving in the past year over friends and family dying. Covid has not taken them all two had cancer, one had heart complications, another is getting ready to leave this world with a clot in her lung.

I have done some grieving in the past two months over my own inabilities. A loss of freedom in ways I have had to think about how to get up and sit down especially when no one is around. How to make my way to the bathroom and kitchen is a big deal.

I deal with a lot of death dreams and they frighten me. Death makes me surrender to the fact I am mortal, and death will happen one day.

However, I can attest to finally having one death dream where I visited with my dad. He and I were picking and joking with one another. My Uncle was there, and he asked me about what he needed to do to take care of his legs as he sat on a couch. My dad and I on a staircase still joking around.

Oh, how I hugged my dad and did not want to let go. It has been almost16 years since he passed away. I miss him every day. But I had a peace after this dream that made me smile and I was happy for the good time in my dream with my dad.

I also realized my uncles’ question was for me; what was I going to do to care for my legs?

It is time to heal. I am a broken mess inside with more grief to spare.

What was I going to do? This means that it is not my time to go anytime soon. I needed to prepare for living.

Sunday morning, I was filled with physical pain and grief. Less than 24 hours ago I had learned great friend I once had, passed away. My heart hurt for him and many of us who loved him. Without my friend I would not have met so many friends along the way. I would never have jumped on an airplane. You do not get to just pull over to the side of the road in an airplane!

I attempted to make a good breakfast in pain and grief, and it did not pan out well literally! I ate it anyway and went back to bed.

I started worrying about if transportation was going to send me a car or van for my eye doctors appointment coming up this week. I eventually drifted off to sleep.

The Beginning of The Story!

I awoke at 5:30 pm completely famished. I heated up some more of the failed breakfast and realized I did not think about it. I just walked to the kitchen leaving my cane in the bedroom.

I am still in some pain and do not know if this will continue with me being able to walk from room to room with out having to plan my every move.

As I headed back to my bedroom with my portion of breakfast from this morning, I sat down on the bed and said, thank you God.

I had burst into tears while trying to take that first bite and admitted to God I was a mess. I thanked him over and over. Chuck Girard was singing on Alexa and something about no longer a sinner but one who when falls runs to God.

I need to back up here because oh in the wee hours I was watching The Resurrection of Gavin Stone on Netflix, it is a pg. movie. I was boohooing at the turn around in this actor playing an actor whose life was totally turned around.

Now back to Chuck Girard of course I finally see a text from my momma asking how I was. I decided to call her in the last 10 min window of time she might be able to answer. Instead, I am needing to leave a voicemail with my halfway crying and how good God was I had got up walked without thinking about it. I am doing good some pain but nothing like past several weeks or two months.

Oh, how I love my mama so much. I guess I told her I had her permission to write a part of her own story in mine, rather than asking for permission. Old habits die hard.

She said it will be interesting to read y’all. As Alexa played on the song came from my youth, my mama would sing lots of times. My mama would try to deal with strife among eight children by singing at times! She was not going to hear complaining or pay attention to “why do I have to wash the dishes this time, I did it last time.”

So, she would often be heard singing: “Sometimes Alleluia, Sometimes Praise the Lord, sometimes gently singing our hearts in one accord.” You did not want to force my Mama out of her singing otherwise she would start singing I am not listening, and that was the final warning.

Oh, and she and my dad would play Chuck Girard tapes in our van. However, tick my dad off and you might hear him yelling for a bit but here is how that played out a great deal of the time.

Again, my mama would start singing when you could hear a pin drop in that van. Often it led to my dad joining in with her and before you knew it the whole van was singing or humming.

It was the hard times in that van God used to touch one or all of us no matter what we were going through. I spent many silent tears in the back of that van praying neither of my parents would yell out a question to me.

I never wanted them to worry about me falling apart or having to explain what was really going on inside my head. It was only recently I heard my mama admit to me she worries. I am so blind.

She probably worried every time I went out the door, I just thought she never noticed. That is also my reasoning in trying to get away with a lot of things.

I loved coming home from school on the days she sang and baked. The candle would be lit in the entryway Everything was mopped and she had cookies or bread in the oven. There was peace in our house in the midst, as she had struggled some days to get three little ones down for a nap.

You see its in this time I can see how my relationship to God is as with my family and parents. I cry happy tears over this fact that they gave grace a lot. There are more happy times to remember.

I know my mama, friends, my tribe, and they are all really family, do not know what to do with me a lot of the time.

I am finally ready to take the new change in my journey. By the way as far as me walking better I do not know if it will last or if its going to keep getting better.

I am so loved, and I love you all so much. Today I want to hang on to the good stuff. I miss my friends and family that have passed away. I miss the good times. I miss those I have not been able to see or talk to in a while.

As of this moment my new word for the year is “Grace.” I am going to learn it, accept it, and give it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

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Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train personnel standing beside train

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Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!