Change

Storms Never Last Picking Up The Wreckage

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Hi Everyone!

I really appreciate everyone who reads my blog and I do not say it enough, so thank you.

One of my favorite songs is “Storms Never Last” by Jessi Colter

The first line of that song is “Storms never last, do they baby”

I imagine saying this to my younger self a lot as I am often at war with in myself.

How many of us will recognize that the war is not with anyone else; the war is with ourselves?

With others I must recognize, I did not create it, I did not cause it, and I sure cannot cure it.

However, when it comes to myself, I can usually see where I did create it, I did cause it and most of the problem goes away if I stop doing the things that landed me in such insanity. The other part comes in the form of making amends and swing who I have harmed along the way.

In the past I have just been a tornado in people’s lives. Its so good to have a tribe with me today. Even if we are not talking just sharing bits and pieces of ourselves on social media. I feel warmth of others today and need to reciprocate that back.

When I got to recovery, they told me pain was inevitable, but suffering was optional. I do not have to suffer today. I do not have to keep hurting myself either. That is insanity to keeping hurting yourself in recovery. I think it is clicking some.

My prayers are for God to heal me. But sometimes I think God gives us the tools to heal ourselves. I think my mind has always slammed shut against an idea like that.

Today I am getting the fact that younger me does not get to run the show if I want recovery. Younger me is full of anger and rage still. My job is My job is to love me and do the necessary things to stay in recovery as challenging as it may be. I am horrible at checking in but doing the best I can to improve on that and it is still a little wobbly.

I want to live better and stay the course. To falter is to die and lose everything all over again. I need to keep my recovery and build on it. I deserve to try and win if I stay the course. I do not care about the toys. I want the prize and the prize is life.

This is probably where one would say we cannot wallow in the wreckage we identify who was hurt, who we owe amends to, become willing to make amends and identify the amends owed to each person.

We cannot move freely and be okay if we are still picking up pieces of our wreckage. This is where hopefully; I will take responsibility for my actions.

Everything has its time and place. With the right direction and actions healing can come through.

Thankfully storms never last.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Realizing I Cannot Do It By Myself

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I seem to fall asleep as soon as I say I am going to try to stay awake until it is a decent bedtime, and invariably it becomes a late night. So here I am writing mainly out of gratitude that I am not in the hospital or hurt myself by some part of me that felt the need to control things.

As we get older, we want more freedom and simultaneously we have more limitations, which we try to ignore.  I have always accused others of being controlling. Ironically, I am the controlling one. This became news to me. It is not recent news trust me on that.

I always want things a certain way. I do not want to have to express that I want things a certain way, or even ask for help in getting things the way I want them. Perhaps I do want people to read my mind and then resent them because they cannot do so.

It was twenty-four hours ago I was trying to help myself get up off the floor because I had knelt and realized I could not get up off the floor. My knees were locked underneath me. I had no strength whatsoever.

Between 2:00 am and 2:30 am my neighbor heard me crying and screaming for help after the 2 hours or so of me praying and asking God for help. It was a total of about 31/2 to 4 hours. I never felt so scared or helpless in my whole life.

I was so grateful for the paramedics and my neighbor. I have vowed to leave things alone that I cannot control. It has been a wake-up call to my situation that I cannot do it all by myself and that I do require help.

There also seems to be another lesson make sure before you take to social media your loved ones are aware and are reassured, you are okay. I still have a few I am way behind on.

I must do some research and figure out away to get me better. I never want to feel that helpless again. However, in the meantime it is about recognizing I have true limits. Respecting my limits is a must.

I find myself happy to be able to be sitting up texting and even writing blog entry. If you had told me even 3 years ago a day was coming, I would not be able to pull myself up off the floor, I would have called you a liar. Yet here I am. My absolutes are, always having my phone and cane on me. I hate having phone on me all the time.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I want to see phones die a horrible death under a tractor trailer. It is not just my phone that annoys me, it is your phone too! The necessary evils they are just makes me want to say bad words.

This comes from a 30 something (Who counts their age after 39 anyway?) who used to be a teen who spent hours and hours on the phone.

I am so grateful for the love support and encouragement from friends and family. I love ya all.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Looking Ahead in February For Self-Care

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While I am doing the best, I can at not isolating, sometimes you do have to shut the door to the outside world and shut off the phone. It is a balancing act.

Today while at the wound center It got very cold outside and all I could think about was coming home and ripping into the crockpot of homemade chili. I made myself wait almost an hour and a half though even after I got home.

I did shut the door and I only turned down the volume on my phone as opposed to shutting it off. I savored every bite of my bowl of chili.

I feel warm, safe, and nourished now.

I wanted to take time to write today as we begin the second month of 2021.

I have been out in left field feeling sorry for myself and grieving. It is all a mixed bag. I think I am back on track now, telling myself to get it together. One day it will be too late to get it together; so, I hope I get it together sooner.

I am trying to corner off my safe space. I must figure out what works for me. I am hanging on to the hope I have now, and hopefully it grow within me.

I suppose writing is one of my ways of reaching out and even passing on what I have.

When I talk about creating that safe space it includes nurturing myself, making better choices realizing I have to self-parent, telling myself no to some things and saying yes to new ideas. Doing what I need to care for myself.

I guess I have done well at limiting my sodium as my blood tests came up that I was a little low on sodium. The suggestion came along to drink some Gatorade and I should be fine. Even the tiniest suggestion can make a way for change.

I am not usually one to jump up and down asking for suggestions unless it is in a smart-alecky way. However, maybe it is time I take a serious look at that and just do what has already been suggested.

I probably spend more time going back the way I came just to ask; are you sure this is the way to the yellow brick road? I could have been at the yellow brick road and planted trees by now if it were not for all the back tracking.

I am looking forward to the month ahead that I can gain some solid footing. This month will hopefully be me putting everything into action I know to do to take care of myself.

Challenges do come along. That does not mean I have to let those challenges sweep me way from doing what I know in my heart to be right in taking care of myself.

I am ready to learn to love myself the right way and make better choices.

May we all do the next right thing.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

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Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

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Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

A New Season It’s Time For Change

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Hi Everyone,

I cannot believe September is here. For me, it is a sign that the new season is upon us. I am ready to change some things around. I just told a friend in a message that I needed to remember I was alive.

September is when I start my season of gratitude as well. I start on it now in hopes of being able to continue in gratitude the whole year through.

September is the month to begin searching out chili recipes for sure. I also love the smell of spices and making a sweet aroma of spices in all my cooking and baking, I hope to be doing in this new season.

I love the smells of yesteryear also. I am forever trying to make chocolate chip cookies the exact way my mom does.

It is everything about those smells that reminds me of home, safety and feeling loved and a connection like I talked about in my last post. Having those memories of sight, touch, smell, and taste. That is what helps me connect inside to the real me and to pour out love in my heart to others.

It usually comes back a hundred times or more. Sometimes it is as simple as chicken noodle soup.

My nurse and friend Sarah came by today and she mentioned when we talk, she stays there for like a week. We connect so much it sends us into a time warp and finally remembering and rehashing without the woundedness.

My season is changing some as I heal physically. I believe healing is as much physical and spiritual. The emotional roller coaster never helps. But when you find some peace, it comes together I believe.

So, my way of entering this season is I signed up for a 2-month workshop on creative writing, in hopes to improve my writing skills and keep me accountable.

I mean as writers; we hold on to our first drafts like they are our babies.  We are afraid to prune and cut back. I want to always be improving and getting better at crafting my work.

The flip side of the coin is if we put out sucky pieces we are still writing. However, I want to do better than that. Its scary and humbling to admit I need to improve. This is my chance to change.

Change is the pathway to better things and reaching more people. My writing is healing for me. I told a friend even if I suck at the workshop at least I know I will have improved.

I do not believe change is possible without the spiritual part. Maybe that is why I believe it is all spiritual.

When I first took a leap of faith I thought, “Oh, I have arrived!” No, no I did not arrive. I arrived at writing maybe some paragraphs where the reader could follow.

I wanted everything handed to me because I had a message. But I did not have a voice, or a niche, or anything. I am still defining that here, years later.

Change is coming and it is time to stop living in doom and gloom, filled with apathy. I need to remind myself I am alive! Let us not forget who we are.

Thanks for reading!

This has been anther blogpost entry by Boxcar mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

How Do I Release Love And Let It Flow

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Hi Everyone,

Today I am posting in how I release love and let it flow through my passions.

The only way to release love is to have love. I believe you only possess love by experiencing love, in a way that has reached you to the core of your soul. I think its spiritual and in a way that is beyond mumbling the many eloquent words of a prayer or just seeing the sun rise and sunset.

Do not get me wrong. I believe prayer and meditation are important but again they come by experiencing true love.

The true love comes when you are touched to your core to finally reach outside of yourself and make it known you are searching and looking for ways to touch those that have that have touched you to your soul.

Maybe it is someone in your tribe. Maybe it is a stranger’s story.

Let me explain; I do believe in the divine. I believe in divine appointments. These appoint were spoken before the formation of this world its nothing can conjure up or make happen without the spiritual world working in it all.

In these appointments, two or more are touched and love takes effect.  It is in love we are found to our core and more layers of stuff comes from us and even healings of many types can or may happen.

We become more of our true selves and in that sense, we give love to our passions which in turn touch others to their core.

We are only vessel being used and yet heal also if we are willing to be that vessel.

The spiritual journey is not a head trip it happens when we take the action needed. We get a chance to change the negative cycles at work in us.

I have two passions and they include writing and baking. I have been asking myself what they have to with each other. The simple answer is love.

Inside each of us I believe is the desire to create but it only works when we trust The One Creator of us all.

One cliché line is that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. In this instance when the pupil is ready, he or she is ready to stop fighting everything, everyone, and even their self.

I am by no means there all the way. But I am dropping each rock of hardness along the way.

Maybe for the first time I can finally concede to the fact that peace of mind is not just a Mary Poppins fairy tale. It is attainable if we work towards and have an open mind and heart.

Love does win.

Yesterday, I celebrated 16 years of continuous sobriety and clean time.

There is no formula; it is just one day at a time. I want to live a real life today. I am finally reaching that goal as I put one foot in front of the other. This is as spiritual as I get.

I hope to meet many more I trudge this road! Let us not give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Making Life Simpler While Taking Action In Self-Care

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Hi Everyone!

I have been busy with many appointments and my day seems to end with me falling asleep in my recliner.

I am so grateful for the recliner my friend gave me. I love my rocker too, but the recliner is my salvation.

Today after some meandering through life and reading and researching ways to keep up with my passions in this journey, I wish to post on making life simpler while participating in self-care.

My self-care is not any cookie cutter version and will not even be like anyone else’s version, except to learn to go by a schedule and attempting more practice in decluttering.

It might be after 3 am in the morning but to be fair I piled myself into the recliner a bit before 4pm and woke up after 11pm. My emotions have been staying erratic and kept me high strung lately.

I find myself even projecting my expectations on others with out realizing it until way after the fact. I want and need to improve on not continuing to do that.

I really do love people deeply and see life as sacred. I want to see everyone healed but I want to heal me, so I can share of how I healed.

This life is so messy and broken. I want to hold myself up and show the world I am all better. I know the partial secret is gratitude. Part of my healing comes as I let the words flow out of me into this writing.

As with any healing though there is always more action to be done. Compliance has been almost like a dirty word in the past, but I am seeing it more of a bridge or pathway to healing now.

I think also it means stop debating things that really have no relevance or do not affect me. If someone wants to say the sun is purple so be it, smile and tell them to have a great day. Let us keep moving on.

Even if things do affect me, I must consider how much time I am willing to give to a conversation, so that it does not zap all my energy and time.

I often whisper to myself to let things go. The reason being to let things in and fester will only have negative results like a rise in my blood pressure. No argument is worth that today.

The other good thing to put into practice for myself is to have a starting time and an ending time on projects. Times can be adjusted but at least for me it is important to have guideline where I can implement one.

I am hoping all of this will help me, so not everything feels so overwhelming.

I also want to eventually start waiting until at least 6 am to get up, instead of so early in the morning as I have done for some time now.

The other result to hopefully happen is to start scheduling exercise instead of, just fitting it in my day.

I want quality time in everything I do today. I also know it will not happen overnight. However, just being willing to make some changes cannot hurt.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Checking Off Our Needs List And Reality

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

train on railways during nighttime

Photo by Achilles Kastanas on Pexels.com

Hi Family and Friends,

Today’s writing and points to ponder would be based on several questions I keep asking myself about other people. Without further explanations I will start listing the questions.

  1. Do I believe the best about a person?
  2. Do I believe the worst about a person?
  3. Is it easier to believe the or the worst about someone?
  4. What is my track record for believing about a person?
  5. Why is it easier one way or the other and how does it apply here?
  6. How much history do I have with the person in question?
  7. If I have a negative fact with this person can I forgive it and move on with this person?
  8. Can we both still have our needs met in the arrangement we have with one another?
  9. Will I be hurting this person by asking for my needs to be met?
  10. Will I be hurting myself by not getting my needs met?

This is like a mini inventory of questions; I need to ask myself when I start feeling guilty. Not everything is my fault when something negative happens.

As someone in recovery I can be honest and tell you both in recovery and out of recovery I have made bad choices. The difference is I try to fix them today if they are truly mine to fix.

It means taking responsibility for my side of the street. Because I have been in the wrong so many times, I am willing to believe the worst about others. I also take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility.

Sometimes it is hard for me to separate the friendship part of a work type relationship and let them know my needs. I have also been guilty of asking too much of just true friends.

Somewhere in the middle is a balance and learning to work it out peacefully in this messy world.

It is never okay to let oneself off the hook for wrongs done. We still have the responsibility for clearing away the wreckage. We also must realize what is not our responsibility and not let it hook us like a fish.

That can be manipulation. That is why questions are always needed to check our motives.

Once we know better, we can do better. I am a believer in that choice.

10 Things I am Thankful For:

  1. I am thankful I do not want to intentionally hurt others today.
  2. I am thankful for choices today.
  3. I am thankful I want clear motives today.
  4. I am thankful I feel a relationship with God being restored.
  5. I am thankful I can be honest today.
  6. I am thankful for friends and professionals helping me.
  7. I am thankful I can help others.
  8. I am thankful I see the difference between needs and wants.
  9. I am thankful I can share part of me today and be real.
  10. I am thankful for me not giving up today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!