Change

Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

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Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My One Word For The Year 2022

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Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Happy New Year!

I am happy to be writing to you after a long silence.

For the past few years instead of doing resolutions I have been picking one word for the year. It has usually been a group of us updating and checking in with each other.

Busy lives and the changes with Covid, I have personally used it as an excuse to not check-in. But now I really want and need those check-ins.

2021, had fallen and rose just as my chest rises and falls. Believe me, I really want to forge ahead but not forgetting my lessons I have learned as well.

I will not keep making promises and breaking them as has been my record in writing and other things. There are circumstances that are beyond my control at present that may limit me from being able to get my entries into my blog.

My solution so far, is that I would be able to do a bunch and upload them at least bi-weekly.

Now that I have detoured from the subject at hand, let me get back to the subject of one word.

Words are powerful and can be life-changing. Words are used to tear down or build up. They can add to beautiful things or take away the beauty. Lives are built on words. In fact, I choose to believe this entire world was created with words. Yet lives have also been destroyed words.

We all get to choose our words and how they might be used. My Mama has said to me, that I may wish to think hard and choose my words wisely. I also get that same advice from others and I have passed it along, myself.

The word I have chosen is “seek”. I hope to really find the truth in what all I do seek.

There are things, I have not had to seek to find the truth. Rather, it was accepted and facing the truth even when painful and other things are just by sheer joy and beauty.

Sometimes the days seem so long, harsh, and seeking out the truth and holding on is all we have.

The advice for all time is we may not like everything we find in hearing or seeing for ourselves. But that is when we find gratitude in just having the experience. Having the experience is life.

I want the good stuff. The good stuff is in the truth I seek. That does not mean there are not ugly truths as well. We can only change what is ugly inside of us and we all have some ugly in us.

We would not be human, otherwise.

Everything is a day at a time. Sometimes it is a heart neat at a time. We breathe in and we breathe out. Sometimes I forget to breathe and then other times I just do it without thinking.

There is so much to try to put in me that I want. There are negative and ugly parts to rid me of, to let more in. I hope to pour more out of me along this journey.

Peace out to all!

Thanks for reading!


This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Having Clarity And Living Life On Purpose

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Hi Everybody,

Every day is the opportunity for gratitude and giving thanks for thanks for our very lives.

I am not perfect, I screw up. The difference is I get to go back and make things right to the best of my ability. I get that opportunity with every breath of life in me.

The hope is that I will take more pauses, before doing something I must correct. My hope is that I will use love and tolerance as a way of life. I do want a brand new me inside out. Often, this does seem impossible.

I want to see, feel, and experience the beauty in life again. I get the opportunity to pack in the stream of life today whatever contribution I can do and not just be a taker.

Sometimes to really live it you must keep taking those pauses, question yourself longer, make mistakes, or even totally do it wrong. That is until you admit it does not feel good to keep doing wrong.

My way does not work. My way keeps me isolated from those I love and inside my own head alone. The suggestions of another way of what one hundred people took long ago frees me if I choose to take those same suggestions. They are a choice to make each day.

I was told early on the suggestions boil down to is trust God. clean house and help others. Ask God for help each morning and thanking God each night.

I will say to truly live it does not mean just mouthing words or becoming a parrot. I personally tried every wrong way there is to do. I have been told if I ask God to help me direct my thinking, I might have a chance at not being sucked into the bitter morass of self-pity.

It takes work and consistency. I must be honest; work and consistency are not my strong suits. I get better the more I practice it in living this life.

The work and consistency come from having a routine and taking suggestions offered. My way does not work. It never worked. My way has just been a coping mechanism.

I have wanted to reap the benefits of feeling safe and secure without doing the work. I am an impatient person. When someone says it takes more than two weeks, it can cut deep, because then I know that someone has my number.

It sucks to get called out on the very things I do. It will go a lot easier if I cop to it right from jump. Doing the work for me means being vulnerable. Left to my own devices I will destroy myself. That is why I need the tools and to do the work.

Every time I refuse the routine, I am refusing the work and it is just now clicking.

This has been a piece I have been working on for a week thinking it would only take an hour to finish edit and post.

I have been living out this blog post entry by both doing some work and refusing to do the work. It does not stop there. I have stuffed emotions and cried bitter tears. It is seeing how far sickness dwells in myself.

Not every bit of work we do makes us feel better. We must swallow the bitter pill and then become free; of the harm we do after we have taken the solution which are the steps in trusting the process.

Every step is a choice we make. We are either stepping into freedom or away from freedom.

In every situation there is my reasoning and motivation to judge. It is suggested, I have another help study those two things with me to keep me honest. This is how I get to live in my own skin today.

Once I am honest, I can take it to God and be free of the wrong motives and be helpful to another human being. Finally packing back into the stream of life.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Doing The Medicine Deal To Get Better

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Hey Y’all,

I am here up late behind the keyboard ready to share more along my journey.

I am up late because I had to get in medicine. As I have shared before I have a PICC-Line in my arm, and it carries the antibiotics through my veins in the blood supply to fight the infection. I also take an oral antibiotic to assist in this process.

What I have not shared is, while I was in the hospital, I have the diagnosis through an x-ray showing of Osteomyelitis. This was the scariest news because it means an infection in the bone. I did not deal with this news very well I just wanted to come home and hide. It took me a while to share this with family even and not even all family but those that deal with me, anyway.

One of the options my Nurse Practitioner was looking at was oxygen therapy in a chamber or tube, for 3 hours a day 5 days a week for 30 weeks. I was very fearful even considering this option and in a weeks’ time skin has begun to grow around the bone isolating it enough to fight the infection. Thankfully, we do not have to consider the oxygen chamber as an option now.

So, we are back to Home Nurse Visits and weekly appointments at the wound clinic to check in for progress while I have my dressings changed there. The other wounds are healing incredibly!

I also must be careful because the bone is brittle, and I could easily break my foot carelessly.

I do believe God is at the center of all of it. It has been the prayers and help of friends and family. Even medicines and food to aid in this healing process. I have so much love and gratitude. God has this regardless of how I may have responded.

In this next twenty-four hours I really want to face me and God together. When I first heard the diagnosis Osteomyelitis, I could not say it because I did not want to face the truth. It was a just easier to say a serious infection.

In my journey of recovery, I have found it difficult to keep talking, to keep sharing, to keep on taking an inventory of my behavior, and to keep from omitting the truth which is just another way of lying. I am doing my best to change, and I do fall short.

I have made a resolve to enjoy my apartment once again. I want to see about hanging pictures even, finally just to show decoration and hope to have embarked upon that this week.

I do have my home health helper back to help with cleaning, cooking, laundry shopping and retrieving my medicine. I am so grateful for this help, and I want to continue my tradition of remembering gratitude or giving thanks for so much in this season of Fall.

I should have updated a couple of people before I even post this. Your love and support mean so much!

As a side note, I am becoming willing to change my eating habits and try Keto. I am doing what I can to learn about it. One of my friends is teaching me there are foods out there called Keto friendly, and it is not true.

I am thankful for all of you. I invite you to stay tuned as I hope to update this blog more. With that I will now close.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Life Turned Upside Down Sideways Inside Out

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all 

Here I am finally writing now a week or two home from the hospital.

I am sure people are wondering what is going and specifically I will not say yet. The PICC Line is in once again fighting an infection, a serious one at that. Fear has been a part of this deal because it is that scary and hard to come to within ways that could be life-changing. For days, my lie by omission was easier than facing the truth.

Facing the truth meant I had to speak the truth. It meant speaking it to those who have been in a spot to help me manage me.

Fear gripped me to the point of not being able to sleep and still I regress back to that since even believing God has this. I fall apart and ask for help from God and others. I needed to remember what the truth is and even stuff just lost in the mix of events.

No, I am not dying any faster than anyone else who woke up today. I am hoping that these dang antibiotics and lifestyle changes such as diet will help even more in reversing the order of things.

Yup, I cry at the drop of a hat even more so these days. I am dealing with anger and self-pity at times. No one likes to admit to these things. I take more medication now than when I was self-diagnosed and self-medicated.

Coming home has been an adjustment that has not been easy for me, caregivers, and even just friends. They take my blood at least once a week.

Friday, I met with my primary FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner), and he is happy with the fact I am trying to stay on top of appointments and medications. To be clear I have not been one for hospitals and doctors. All though I have had to for disability and other problems.

What is the real story? What is my part in it? How do I help myself? How do I help those trying to help me?

Well, I got to take a break and do my antibiotics and rest while waiting for the nurse to call. I hope to finish this blog entry, edit it, and publish it today.

I still struggle with getting a routine down because everything seems to change daily.

One thing I do have to share is that Friday when the nurse checked the PICC-Line, there was no blood return. Today, she drew blood for labs from the PICC-Line and both concluded it was God.

Every PICC-Line I have had we have never been able to continue getting blood, it was amazing when it worked today. I was also happy as she did not have to stick me. She was prepared just in case she had to a butterfly.

I am ready to be in a season of thankfulness, peacefulness, and full of hope. I am looking forward to sharing changes for the positive and changes bringing on healing in body mind and spirit.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Time Is Up! What Have I Done

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hey Y’all!

It is good to be back behind the keyboard again. I am sorry it has been so long. My life has stayed turned upside down and I am still searching for answers and resolves in turning things around. I have no real answers right now, just a hope that I can keep on keeping on!

On August 28, 2021, I celebrated my 17th year of being clean and sober. But there is more that does still have to change. I feel so broken in ways to the point of just being in pieces waiting for God to show me how I go back together.

I have wanted to reinvent myself in so many ways. With some I feel they are telling me time is up! Do it or do not do it. With others they are just patiently waiting with God waiting for me to step forward to take the action needed to help myself.

I have had to isolate a lot for health reasons and a lot of bitter tears asking how, when, and why?

I cannot seem to shake loose everything that has happened since coming home from the rehab and moving. The moving happened within 48 hours of coming home from the rehab. I feel like I turned a corner and jumped on runaway train. All the while screaming I want things back and I want to let loose of all that is not good for me.

Some of my most cherished friends I miss most of all, even the ones that are walking with me. Have I lost them? That is what is screaming inside my head so loudly, yet in the silence. I cannot seem to find my way back to who I am.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!
Hymn Lyrics

The God of all in my understanding and as I may not understand Him is where I find refuge right now.

I still have good dreams on how to live my life out loud. even though the nightmares still come. I walk a little way and I fall. But I refuse to stay down maybe that’s why I can still see His mercy and grace upon my life.

I really do want change in my life.

Maybe now is the time to go back to the basics of reading and hearing the true words I need. The words that remind me of who I am.

There are some people ready to help if I will just ask. How do I let go of my will?

I cry out when I am alone for fear certain people are gone. But there they are just waiting.

I have a story to tell its just waiting for me to form the words. My words are like paint, and they will paint a picture when they are true. I am not sure which way to turn but I must take a step for anything just something to change.

I hope when it is all ready, I will be standing up right and my hand stretched to yours as we give and take and come away from each other changed from where we once were.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Taking Responsibility For My Time And Happiness

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

Time is so expensive. We all say there’s not enough time in the day to complete everything. My World is so turned upside down I cannot make sense of much.

I stay irritable and discontented. I do not like feeling this way. I need to find gratitude again and make the best of all situations. I am having to remember my problems are not other people’s problems. Therefore, remembering how I speak to others and remembering to be respectful in my speech is most important.

I know I have a few friends sore that I have not made time for them, and I need to regardless, if other friends are feeling left out in the cold right now. The problem is now is both sets of friends are sore and feeling abandoned. For that matter I am sure my mama even feels abandoned, but I will take time this evening for her and 2 friends at least.

If you are feeling sore, just know I am not happy with me either. I am doing the best I can in this moment. These twenty-four hours are all I have, to try and do right by. I am sure I am not doing right. Except for my Mama, that is never wrong, and she will always come before anyone almost.

A lot of this I spoke out loud to my visiting nurse Katie, while she was here addressing my wounds and rewrapping my feet and legs. She reminds me a lot of my mama always trying to arrange appointments and take of the kids while doing other responsibilities as well. All though my mama didn’t work outside the home as we grew up, she still had other responsibilities and needed time away. Time away never happened for her though, well not usually.

I do not want my time stolen from me either. There always time thieves lurking about or the things you casually forgot as you were making a time schedule and to-do lists.

Take my word, forgetting things can be very expensive and blow up in your face as well.

I am trying to figure out my time, what will work, and be convenient. Time is never convenient. You just make it work somehow, I guess.

I need to get busy and make a list of what needs done. I still have stuff to unpack and today is so backwards, I have yet to make my bed. I always say I am coming in to unpack and put away more boxes or totes, but I feel so defeated not knowing where stuff is nor how to make it work in the space provided, without spending more money or asking for something.

I guess I will just make my mind up to not go outside until it is done. I am really taking risks the longer I leave stuff to be done. They are unnecessary and only set me up to stay irritable and discontent.

I am going to take responsibility for me and my happiness, starting now!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Changes Coming A Whole Brand New Ballgame

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hello Everybody!

I am here with more reasons and mostly the same reasons why I seem to be missing in action a lot. My health has been on a decline as well as my emotional well-being and nervous system.

I really thought I could move ahead with out as many changes. That was my first mistake.

I have had a couple of falls and being stuck off the bed and on halfway kind of pinned and on box springs. I could not get me up. I was trapped by own weight, dead weight.

The muscle behind my knee has quit working right. It is the muscle that allows us to bend our knees and legs to get up almost without thinking about it when we are healthy.

I hate admitting this because there is nothing else, nor anyone else to put the blame on. I have allowed my unhealthy ways to trap me in.

I must dig out the tools and figure out how I can live peaceably but healthier in my eating and exercise. It includes getting enough water, rest, and actual sleep as well.

Even starting on a small scale of change is better than not trying at all.

I have my reasons for not wanting weight loss surgery. So, I have 6 months to convince the medical team I can make a goal and keep moving forward.

EMS has been here a total of two times; I do not want there to be a third time.

I still must decide what goals are attainable and reasonable for me, for this next month. I must write them down and track the steps to accomplish them.

I really was not prepared in thinking how messed up my body is even though people could yell it at me. Even though caring all I heard was the yelling or their passion.

I refuse to be defeated and it all hurts physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Whatever I decide I am going to have to stick with it because change is hard and its going to take repetition of new things to make this change.

The hardest is feeling the shame inside feeling crippled by it just as much as the dis-eases that come with unhealthy living.

You think that by doing a few healthy things it can get better. I can tell you; it is not enough to do just a few things.

I want to change and do better. It will take lots of hard work on my part.

There are other changes that will have to take place too though I am not ready to confront those just yet.

The way I do figure it is if these changes can happen then its way better than the humiliation and self-degradation, I have been through by not being able to help myself.

I never felt so small than when I was communicating to my mom that I was scared and that I had to get my oxygen level up and be able to do the exercises.

But I felt great after prayer with her I was able to do both get my oxygen level up and get some exercises in.

I have a chance to change; I am going to take it with Gods help.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y‘all Everybody!

Taking Action to Make Changes Happen

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hi Everyone,

I really cannot say I have accomplished a lot in the way of moving forward to look for a new place to live. I also have done horrible staying in touch with people. But again, I will not give up. I can do better and vow to do so.

I did make a list with due dates for each task and a place to mark in my progress, until I have completed the list. I made such a list years ago to motivate myself to complete such tasks.

It already has motivated me to get rid of the piles of papers on my desk and put them in folders. One thing that was important for me was to get all my bills down to a zero balance. This has relieved a lot of stress and undue pressure on myself.

This last week I had a face-to-face therapy session. One of the great things about this session was to find and feel that spiritual connection again. It has stayed on my mind since last Friday.

It has been a long time to find the spiritual part under all the human brokenness in me. Its just junk that I have been carrying around. I do not always know how to let go or deal with it rationally.

It was as if God Himself, pushed all the junk aside and asked if I would meet him in the middle so I can be free. This getting ready to move is like the physical act of cleaning the junk out and taking responsibility for myself. I do want to be willing to let go of the crud and stop being afraid of everything.

When I feel halfway decent, it is like all the things are being put in place for me to keep busy and not be distracted. As I write this, I see how I finished one task completely. I have 11 more tasks on my list to complete by the end of the week.

The other thing I need to address is that I need to put in the work of showing care for all those in my tribe and doing my best to reply to people more promptly. This is especially true with those of you in my own tribe. I do value each and everyone of you who read what I have to say.

I guess all in all when we say we are ready to make a change we must take physical action. If we do not act, it makes it hard to show the seriousness in making the changes needed.

I guess as I reflect over my life right now, I see this as a moment I am choosing to want to make a change. In this moment I get to take the steps necessary to make this change.

Acting, gives me freedom to choose and not be forced into moving where I do not want to move. Real self-care begins when you take the forcefulness out of your life by doing the next right thing.

I am now really excited for this journey to continue.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out.

God Bless Y’all Everybody!