Change

My Journey For The Past Three Months

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

My Patio

Hey Y’all, 

Today is my first attempt at writing about my journey currently and what has happened in the almost three months break which I never intended.  

I have experienced some short-lived joy and some sadness, but mostly doing what I need for my health. There have been at least two surgeries and two inpatient hospitalizations. It started as soon as I returned from visiting my mama and attending my grandma’s funeral. 

I also lost my tomatoes and jalapeno peppers which were making me happy to have living things growing. Also, my patio has been replaced with new dirt and rock. I do feel getting the dirt replaced was a blessing considering the state did that to get rid of the lead in our ground. 

I am healing from having the head of one of my bones taken from my foot. I hope to finally get the stitches taken out this week coming up. I am supposed to see a vascular surgeon next week. Some of this I feel is routine when it is not supposed to be. 

There have been lots of prayers on my behalf that make me feel grateful. Did I mention life stops for no one? Well, let me be one to tell you it does not stop, at least not until you draw that last breath. But then it is only the one that draws that last breath that it ends for on this side of everlasting life. 

My mama and friends keep me going. Without my mama I am convinced I would be a ridiculous fool and I guess I do behave as such sometimes. 

I am also currently going through things such as trying to keep life as simple as possible, but it feels rough much of the time. People talking behind your back does add stress. I can say people are ignorant because they are ignorant of the facts of what is needed to live my life. 

I am challenging myself to post pictures of my apartment and to prove as a single person you can keep a house clean daily and that you do not live in filth. Even through the holidays. Not that I have always been perfect but to prove I am not an unclean person. These are the types of things people make assumptions about, especially if you are a smoker. 

I will put in extra work because I want to do the extra work for myself and do what makes me happy. So, it is a win/win. Shut people’s mouths and be satisfied. 

I am not decorating this year because there is no need to. I do keep cards and do try to send them, but it is not as important to me as living happily and having peace. 

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. Besides, are not the true decorations in the heart and living a life of thankfulness? Holidays are not a time for competition, to keep up with others or to try to outdo someone. 

You give of yourself and the true gifts that you were born with as we try to do each day. 

No one’s journey is easy. So, should our aim not be for love, peace, and happiness? This is where we connect and find joy. 

  • I am thankful for life.  
  • I am thankful for the lessons I have learned. 
  • I am thankful I have gratitude during storms.  
  • I am thankful to share what I have with others. 
  • I am thankful for the connection. 
  • I am thankful for those who remind me: “Praise The Lord Mike!” 
  • I am thankful for the gift of writing and connecting with God. 
  • I am thankful man is not the true judge. 
  • I am thankful that joy comes in the morning. 
  • I am thankful for a clean safe home

I may fall and fall hard but I am getting up! 

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV) 
In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all, Everybody! 

If Forgiveness Was Easy Would It Be Forgiving?

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Remembering my plants 2023

Hey, Y’All,

It has been a while since my last blog post entry. It seems I say that starting every entry.

Going through my journey has taught me a lot of life lessons. Some of those lessons I keep repeating. Some lessons I cannot seem to grasp. It is very similar to banging my head against the wall.

Before I share my experience lesson with forgiveness, I want to share I did celebrate 19 years of sobriety and clean time. You see this time is not possible without the work put into it. It is done because people have helped place tools before me and their help in guiding me.

Forgiveness comes down to letting go of my thoughts and realigning them with harmony in this life. It takes prayer and asking forgiveness for myself. Even in what I imagine as harm to myself I can cause harm to others. In most cases, I have done just that.

I must realize once more that I am powerless over people, places, and things. My dependence upon God in this lesson is vital yet, I feel far away. I am asking for his help and again letting go of the rock that will for sure drown me.

Forgiveness is akin to going through grief to process everything.

This weekend may not be the healthiest I have been coping with the sadness by eating comfort foods and being thankful for the same plants that were destroyed through what I perceived as harmful to me.

Someone else gave them to give me happiness and hope. I went through anger and perhaps some anger is still left. I am mostly sad and feel bad that I allowed it to make me angry. Then I cried and felt bad that perhaps I even appeared ungrateful for the original gift. I am grateful I was given the chance to grow something living.

My tomatoes were just beginning to grow, and the peppers were just multiplying. To have it all stopped by things beyond my control was heartbreaking!

All of life and living things and beings are a gift. How blessed we are to experience life in different ways.

Just like anything else you work for and work through, forgiveness means freedom.

Forgiveness has become another lesson in freedom and once more doing the next right thing. It is important to be the best version of me I can be.

The best version of me means being good to others and myself. It means taking care of myself and doing what is necessary to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Forgiveness means I am not blocking any healing.

Change is uncomfortable but necessary. I must do whatever is necessary to make it through this situation at hand. Including finding a healthy closure so it can be put to rest. It will take physical work to make the symbolic pieces laid to rest. I want peace more than being right. I must remind myself of how often I have been forgiven.

This has been one of the hardest lessons to walk through.

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All, Everybody!

I Am Loved By God Family Friends and Me

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

There are friends, family, and people I don’t even know in some ways: I wish to thank them for their heartfelt condolences, prayers, and thoughts. You know who you are on Facebook and other places, offline people too, I felt so much encouragement. It was a blessing reconnecting and healing as well.

I am trying to take things I have learned in processing things and put them to use in my life now that I am home.

Life is truly short. This is not new; it is just more real to me now than ever. Time stops for no one as they but there are moments it feels like a lifetime of missed opportunities. I hope I am living every day to the fullest from here on out.

Families and all relationships are messy. I told one of my brothers I do messy all by myself. I love my family and miss them all.

Not everything has to be catastrophic today. Life is a process of many events and love makes the difference. We love the best we know how, and when we learn better, we do better. We have a lifetime of adventures to still live out.

I am reminded of the fact that there is a time for everything under Heaven.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (ESV)

3 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Hindsight is 20/20, especially in love and war. With messy lives, it often feels like love and war. We will fight to keep our family and to keep love alive. It is hard and painful at the most inopportune moments, but if it were easy, we would just keep taking it for granted. Do you not agree?

There is always something to be grateful for no matter what. If I can just remember this in all things.

One of my new lessons is when things are aggravating and stressful is to say. “Praise The Lord!” I can see a situation for what it is and believe me I need more improvement, but it makes me less anxious than the alternatives.

Life is what you make it, right? I will do the best I can just for today!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I’ll Fly Away Left Me Bawling When Least Expected

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Rahul Pandit on Pexels.com

I had to edit enough to get it all on the page…

Hey, Y’all!

My Grandma met Jesus face-to-face at 4:15 p.m. Saturday. I thought I was done crying earlier in the week. I guess I am not!

I was not there physically with her but as my mama relayed what had all happened, I was there in spirit. You see I imagined my Grampa, dad, and two uncles in a boat. As I saw it, they were fishing and probably a friendly debate.

I figured they were going to meet her, and I was sure they were dilly-dallying. But as information came across to me, she was the one keeping them waiting. Then I remembered the many times leaving after service waving at Grandpa as he sat in the car waiting for Grandma.

It all finally makes sense. I am not here to tell you information second-hand. It is just not my story to tell.

I loved my grandma a lot. I wish I had shown her more love, as I wish I had shown a lot of my family more love when I had that chance.

I think I cry more because I truly connect with my spirit in this weak body. Compared to my spirit my body is weak. I am not 98 but I am not 29 anymore as my grandma used to say after whatever birthday it was.

My grandma did whatever it took to love. She prayed with anyone for anyone, she cleaned, she taught, she sang, she cooked, she babysat, she set rules, and she had fun. She helped in whatever way she could. She never left my grandpa to go without doing these things. She lived!

I thought I was done crying. I prepared to go to bed and got in bed listening to a pastor on a podcast. I then listened to some hymns to lull me to sleep. Then it happened! I’ll fly away played and I was imagining Grandma set free over and over.

The next thing I knew I was bawling. She was a true gift to me.

You bet I have never valued the people I love enough in their lifetime or mine.

Several are gone now! I am doing what I can to keep changing that. I can be sad and realize I am just going to cry when I need to cry. The world is not going to fall apart because I cry.

However, I have the hope of seeing her on the other side and many other loved ones and the stories we will share. It is because of Christ in me The Hope of Glory.

I will never be rested enough on this earth.  I only hope to have a pinky tip full of hope faith and love that woman showed to everyone. Grace and mercy.Again, I am reminded of,

1 Thessalonians 4:9-12(ESV)

9 Now concerning vbrotherly love wyou have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been xtaught by God yto love one another, 

10 for that indeed is what zyou are doing to all the brothers throughout Macedonia. But we urge you,

 brothers, to ado this more and more, 

11 and to aspire bto live quietly, and cto mind your own affairs, and dto work with your hands, as we 

instructed you, 

12 so that you may ewalk properly before foutsiders and be dependent on no one.

This is how my grandma lived. This is how my grandma and grandpa lived together. My grandpa himself did not have a lot to say. When he had something to say, he said it.

I hope to continually stay busy and mind my own business.

I will always love my grandma!

I’ll Fly Away

“I’ll Fly Away”, is a hymn written in 1929 by Albert E. Brumley

1. 
Some glad morning when this life is o’er, 
I’ll fly away; 
To a home on God’s celestial shore, 
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away). 

Chorus 
I’ll fly away, Oh Glory 
I’ll fly away; (in the morning) 
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by, 
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away). 

2. 
When the shadows of this life have gone, 
I’ll fly away; 
Like a bird from prison bars has flown, 
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away) 

Chorus 

3. 
Just a few more weary days and then, 
I’ll fly away; 
To a land where joy shall never end, 
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away)

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I Have Fought My Unbelief To Believe Him

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

July 1st, 2023 Elephant Rocks State Park Belleview Missouri

Hey Y’all!

It has been a while since I have been active in blogging. I have been fighting infections with the help of doctors, nurse practitioner, and nurses. My driver has also been instrumental in helping me as well. My mama, grandma, and lots of people have been praying as well. I have learned a lot about myself and my faith in these recent events.

Following directions, having faith, and doing the best I can to be compliant is important during these times especially when seeking healing. I think of the following scripture: Mark 9;24 ESV 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” I have found it important for me to listen to faith-filled podcasts with scriptures speaking about faith and healing. During my first full night of praying and listening I felt a physical change happen as I asked for healing. I was in fear of facing amputation and it did so happen that amputation thus far has been avoided.

It has been challenging to check my attitude at the door. It is important even more so to forgive others and let go of resentments. It can be a battle of my will against faith and belief in healing. Anger can turn toxic and cause me harm. It works against healing. It is a scientific fact that anger and resentment are poison to us. I find myself talking to myself saying let it go. It feels like I am saying let it go constantly and I am resentful for the fact that I am the one having to let it go all the time.

However, I am also the one asking for forgiveness all the time as well. Change is constant for me to grow. Here is the other part. There is a scripture that states the following: James 4:1-3 ESV.

4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions[a] are at war within you?[b] 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Some translations just say you have not because ask not, however, I love this translation because it gets to the root of mankind holding on always wanting more.

When I do my self-inventory, it does come down to at least thinking someone else has a bigger portion or a better portion. The reality is we do not know what someone else has had to walk through or go through to get their portion, who knows maybe that is their final portion upon this earth.

I still have a lot of steps to go through in this healing. Sometimes the healing is already there, and it is about making the most of what we have and letting go of the toxicity.  This reveals the gift we already have. I want healing and a clean slate. I do not wish to hang on to anger and forgiveness.

The walk to healing means work but the healing itself is a gift.

This brings me to the point of gratitude.

I am convinced that being grateful is just as important as breathing. Without gratitude, we cease to exist. We have no faith without gratitude. We also have no faith without gratitude. Finding one thing to be grateful for grows our faith which is important in healing.

Perhaps at the end of the day, it comes down to letting go in general to finding we have had more all along.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Relaxing After An Insane Spring Cleaning Purge

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is great to be writing to you all again. What I write is mostly about myself. I invite you along for the ride in hopes my experience may be of help in either doing or refraining from doing. I do not have a degree in any subject. All I have is my experience, strength, and hope.

I have stayed so busy purging and spring cleaning and doing what I could to pass an inspection of my place. I was living in fear of failing because of my standards and projecting them onto the task at hand. I passed the inspection with flying colors.

At the end of the day, I just crawled up in a ball on my bed and cried. I was busy living in fear over everything my health, my sanctuary, the rules where I live, and much more. I learned a lot about myself, and I am still learning more. There is so much more to me than my shell, thoughts, and feelings.

My spirit inside is trying to emerge while I take on battles. A lot of the battles I am fighting are of my own making. It is important to take responsibility for myself today. It is a never-ending battle when you believe and refuse to lay the battle down. It is because of allowing dark thoughts to come in and not taking those thoughts down instead.

You can fool yourself into thinking you are doing the work to care for yourself while you are just going through the motions. There is a tug-of-war that goes on when you are determined to get real. Every spear of darkness comes at you when you are ready for a breakthrough. It becomes a battlefield of the mind. I was foolish to let the thoughts come at me.

I realized the two strongest points for darkness to come at me are before I sleep and when I am still waking up for the day. As I cried the night after winning the passing inspection, I went to sleep off and on as I listened to a new podcast. I got good rest, but I needed more rest and still need more rest.

I am just now writing once more, as I struggle to finish this with the midnight oil on Friday at 11:30 pm.

The two points where I feel bombarded in my thoughts are when I am preparing for sleep and waking up for the day. I will tell you the reason I cried because it was a hard fight to finish the project cleaning and being ready for the inspection. I was fighting myself more than anyone because of the thoughts and wanting it to be perfect.

Now how is it to be ready for the arrows of darkness that come into my thoughts? It is the constant self-inventory making sure my side of the street is clean. Prayer and meditation. It is trying to stay in a place of gratitude and say the prayer of God help me! When negative emotions come in this prayer works when I mean it!

I am ready to move past my craziness of wanting perfection and relax some more.

I feel as though more breakthroughs are brewing. This is not just a one-time lesson or the only lesson. There is more coming soon.

Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

28 pCome to qme, all who labor and are rheavy laden, and I will give  you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and slearn from me, for I am       tgentle and lowly in heart, and uyou will find rest for your souls. 30      For vmy yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Repeating Some Of The Same Things Over Again

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is good to be writing once more.

I have been awake since 3:03 a.m. I fell asleep praying to God. It did take a while to fall asleep, but I felt defeated.

I am having my coffee and trying to write something of a positive nature in the negative I feel inside myself. It is like that moment when you go to pay for something, and your checking account reads insufficient funds. I did not know I would be in the negative when I woke up yesterday.

A string of the same emotions as before in my life when everything looked negative. This is when I needed my people the most. However, in this round of events I am trying to show I do have more strength and courage than before. One friend told me he thought I could handle it.

I do believe I can handle it. My friend is such an important part of helping me recognize the tools I have to cope with life’s struggles. I think we sometimes repeat things because we are being tested on things we forgot or hid from ourselves conveniently. Sometimes the same arrow is thrown in our direction because it is time to battle.

As I write this, I am battling negative thoughts and fears. I am also recognizing the things I have been learning are leading up to this moment in time. The way I am taking control is not falling apart due to fear. Is it not interesting I have been on this course of taking control? Maybe I need to hear someone’s woes besides my own.

I am still kind of in limbo about everything and waiting to hear what is going to exactly happen. I am preparing myself for events to come. Even though some news has been disclosed; I am not ready to disclose it to the whole world. I also want quiet the fears by not allowing them power over me.

The mind runs rampant while facts are yet to be fully seen. Self-examination is a must when preparing for battle. I must be prepared for the fact that things may not be comfortable and some decisions are mine to make while others are not mine to make. I am getting ready to do the best I can ever do in facing myself and other things. Those things are hopefully something that will not break me. As they say, more will be revealed.

I do want to live my best life ever. Some days are hard and I say to myself, “I did not know it was going to be this hard to live with some of the choices I made today and even previously.” All of our choices previous and present have led us to this moment in time. Whatever that looks like.

The two most important things I am still learning:

  • You are always one decision from a different life.
  • We are all walking each other home.

Life is still the sum of our choices however I do believe God can change things. I think sometimes we are forced into a waiting period so we can be humble and realize that we are just a small part of this world. This is true even when it seems big things are happening to us.

Better days are coming. More news to follow soon.

1 Corinthians 13:13 (ESV)

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

One Decision Away From A Different Life

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by emre keshavarz on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all

It has been a little bit again since I last posted anything.

We are now on May 1st, 2023. This means we have completed one quarter of the year 2023. The last four months are gone. We cannot get months, nor any day of those months back!

All we can do is start from where we are right here, and now.

I realized over the weekend I needed to restart once more. Here I am doing what I can to reframe how I hope to take more serious my writing, emotional, and physical well-being.

What if I told you each of us is just one decision away from a different life?

Thank goodness we have today to turn things around. It can only be today. The reason is, all we have is this twenty-four-hour period or what is left of it anyway. I have decided, I must follow through with consistency.

I must reframe how this is to be done by acting on my decision.

I have bombed out at being consistent since the beginning. I must accept the fact I have done the best I could in this last quarter. Today is the day to decide and do better.

I did not even realize until this moment that I cannot succeed at something unless I practice the art of mindful self-compassion.

One of the ways I do that is by giving myself the loving talk and positive reinforcement by saying to myself, “I love you and I am proud of you for showing up today.” I need to say this is my second time saying it to myself and meaning it.

The old me would say something along the lines of it being a bunch of horse hockey and that it will never work. Do not knock it until you try it.

Oh, how I would cringe before to have to say that to myself! You would have thought I was cussing myself out. I want this change badly and it is not for the faint-hearted.

It did take me practice. Today it took deciding that I want a different life. This is only the beginning of a different life. Reframing the way, I look at things. Starting honestly right from zero in most aspects. That is not to say there have not been two decades or more of years of therapy.

I want to have the capacity to give more to myself and others.

Making the changes will naturally add to my gratitude which in turn gives me a boost in my day.

I was asked if I wanted to make changes and learn mindful self-compassion just this last weekend. I eventually said that I would like to try to learn how.

This syncs with other training I am in the middle of doing. Life is precious and so is time. All we have is today folks!

I have a good friend and others too. They tell me and I used to need to hear it a lot, “Things will not always be this way.”  They were right!

As friends, we always remind each other of the truths we find along the journey.

I said another thing over the weekend. I said, “I want the religious spiritual part I used to feel back.” I felt it as I was writing this entry. Writing can be spiritual for me. In writing is healing. Healing brings restoration.

The song going through my head as I wrote this was an old hymn “I Have Decided.” Only the version mostly how Amy Grant sang it because it is true for me.

“I have decided being good is just a fable. I just can’t cuz I am not able…/”

On my own I cannot be good I need God’s help.

We are one decision away from a different life!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Mindset Changes For Living A Fuller Life

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am enjoying my coffee in the wee hours. I want to catch up on everything that seemed impossible to get done yesterday.

I started this entry off by saying a prayer.

I forgot how important saying a prayer is before I do anything, so I may have the right attitude. I want changes and to have changed means changing how I operate so I have more than words. Anyone can say the right words but change only happens by action.

Prayer is key in changing me so that I may have the right motives and attitude. If I begin with prayer, I am opening communication with God. In effect, prayer enables God’s hands in being able to help me. In other words, it is not just my will at work.

Prayer involves the conscious contact with God I have always desired.

I know I have shared this before but as a little boy I went to the bluffs for serious talks with God. I knew I needed His help. No one else could or would. I often seem to forget that as an adult, now over forty years later I need to go to Him first and foremost.

Prayer for direction, safety, help, peace, and love will get me much further in accomplishing the things I am supposed to do.

The next thing is finding gratitude so that I am grateful no matter how situations and circumstances may be. This helps me build consistency.

Consistency is a challenge for me. It is my word for the year instead of a resolution. I want to be consistent in doing the next right thing. I cannot say I am doing well with that, but I am aware, and I am doing better in some areas. More work is needed in other areas of my life.

It does help me if I start with prayer and gratitude.

The next thing I must watch out for is the thoughts that pop in. Not only thoughts but lies I tell myself in my thought life. I also get thoughts that are nothing but lies. I need to catch those early and call them out as the lies they are and speak the truth.

Stopping the lies and negative thoughts is imperative to my change and growth.

I am finding I need to remind myself of this daily. As I remind myself of the untruths, I need to seek God for truth and call out those truths and realign my thoughts accordingly.

Some of it is simple stuff.

I can eat a balanced diet that is right for me.

I do not have to think badly of that person.

I do not have to talk ugly to those people.

They did not do it intentionally to ruin my day.

I am not always a failure.

I can walk. I can climb in and out of the truck without difficulty.

I am not a bad seed.

Not everything I touch turns to crud.

They do not think badly of me.

I can tell the truth.

My life does matter.

I do have a purpose.

  1. I am thankful for my nurses and doctors.
  2. I am thankful for joy today.
  3. I am thankful for friendships.
  4. I am thankful for forgiveness.
  5. I am thankful for the mindset changes.
  6. I am thankful for being able to read and write.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to make my own decisions.
  8. I am thankful for healing.
  9. I am thankful for a Loving God
  10. I am thankful for my life.

As I close, I leave you with this Holy Scripture:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

It Becomes A Holy Moment In Recovery

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Ashlee Marie on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am back and looking forward to sharing more in this entry.

I have shared some about my recovery and my journey since being clean and sober. I can tell you now that in my experience finding recovery in your inner being and seeing it work is holy. You find it in others and it is just as holy seeing it work in their lives also.

When changes happen by forgiving and allowing your will to change.

You see in my world, there is law and order mandated by God. Yet God in His divine ways, which are higher than my ways, made a way for grace and mercy. Because of grace and mercy, a way gets made out of no way.

I found forgiveness is for me when it comes to me forgiving others. What forgiveness does for me is much more than I ever knew. Forgiveness means I am letting go. Forgiveness means I am withdrawing myself from that story. If I have been offended it means something touched me deeply that was awakened in me.

Forgiveness gives me the freedom to finally deal with myself and God.

I thought being forgiven had taught me something. However, when I learned about being the forgiver, I was in for a true awakening. I am still not finished learning about forgiving and being forgiven.

To reiterate why forgiveness is holy is that it means I want peace more than my right to stay offended. It frees me and the other person both. I do not have to stay enslaved to the pain and hurt. It is one less thing to carry in my excess baggage.

There is yet another part of forgiveness and that is forgiving ourselves. It is another way of saying that excess baggage because when I arrived in the rooms of recovery I had a long list of both hurts I had caused and a mountain full of hurts in my mind of what was done to me. Also, not all of the hurts were just in my mind. On both counts, I wore that shame. My heart was hard and I was scared of facing a day without a drink and having to face the real stuff. I let them lead me to doctors for pills.

Okay, let’s do pills. What could they hurt? A lot especially, when you go back out and add alcohol. Smoking a joint was trickery for me Id get high and then am paranoid as heck.

But I digress, shame was at the root of everything. Wrongs were done both drunk and stone-cold sober. My heart got very hard back then.

Recovery has changed me. I have to face myself and everything I am still in the process of letting go. In my journey recently my heart was hardening some. I was staying angry and holding on to some things.

I was starting to doubt my recovery and it welled up in me in a moment and shocked me as I saw it work in a particular moment with another person. I had my mind made up Sunday Night that I was gonna blast someone with words Monday Morning.

It changed at a moment’s notice when communicating with someone else we ended up helping each other. It softened my heart. It changed the course of my actions.  Today has been a day of more softening of my heart and more rest for the body and soul.

I will say I cannot afford to keep going in circles. By not forgiving I am allowing my shame to deepen, therefore, making it even harder to forgive.

I am the one who makes me crazy when I refuse to forgive. I want recovery more than ever. This is not philosophical, this is real.

As I close, I am leaving you with these three verses from The Holy Scriptures.

  • For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 (ESV)
  • 15. but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16. since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”  1Peter 1:15-16 (ESV)
  • 8. He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!