It Becomes A Holy Moment In Recovery

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Hey, Y’all!

I am back and looking forward to sharing more in this entry.

I have shared some about my recovery and my journey since being clean and sober. I can tell you now that in my experience finding recovery in your inner being and seeing it work is holy. You find it in others and it is just as holy seeing it work in their lives also.

When changes happen by forgiving and allowing your will to change.

You see in my world, there is law and order mandated by God. Yet God in His divine ways, which are higher than my ways, made a way for grace and mercy. Because of grace and mercy, a way gets made out of no way.

I found forgiveness is for me when it comes to me forgiving others. What forgiveness does for me is much more than I ever knew. Forgiveness means I am letting go. Forgiveness means I am withdrawing myself from that story. If I have been offended it means something touched me deeply that was awakened in me.

Forgiveness gives me the freedom to finally deal with myself and God.

I thought being forgiven had taught me something. However, when I learned about being the forgiver, I was in for a true awakening. I am still not finished learning about forgiving and being forgiven.

To reiterate why forgiveness is holy is that it means I want peace more than my right to stay offended. It frees me and the other person both. I do not have to stay enslaved to the pain and hurt. It is one less thing to carry in my excess baggage.

There is yet another part of forgiveness and that is forgiving ourselves. It is another way of saying that excess baggage because when I arrived in the rooms of recovery I had a long list of both hurts I had caused and a mountain full of hurts in my mind of what was done to me. Also, not all of the hurts were just in my mind. On both counts, I wore that shame. My heart was hard and I was scared of facing a day without a drink and having to face the real stuff. I let them lead me to doctors for pills.

Okay, let’s do pills. What could they hurt? A lot especially, when you go back out and add alcohol. Smoking a joint was trickery for me Id get high and then am paranoid as heck.

But I digress, shame was at the root of everything. Wrongs were done both drunk and stone-cold sober. My heart got very hard back then.

Recovery has changed me. I have to face myself and everything I am still in the process of letting go. In my journey recently my heart was hardening some. I was staying angry and holding on to some things.

I was starting to doubt my recovery and it welled up in me in a moment and shocked me as I saw it work in a particular moment with another person. I had my mind made up Sunday Night that I was gonna blast someone with words Monday Morning.

It changed at a moment’s notice when communicating with someone else we ended up helping each other. It softened my heart. It changed the course of my actions.  Today has been a day of more softening of my heart and more rest for the body and soul.

I will say I cannot afford to keep going in circles. By not forgiving I am allowing my shame to deepen, therefore, making it even harder to forgive.

I am the one who makes me crazy when I refuse to forgive. I want recovery more than ever. This is not philosophical, this is real.

As I close, I am leaving you with these three verses from The Holy Scriptures.

  • For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 (ESV)
  • 15. but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16. since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”  1Peter 1:15-16 (ESV)
  • 8. He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Saying Goodbye To A Friend Friday Night

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Hey, Y’all!

I have not been able to finish any writing lately. I have started a few blog post entries, but finishing the pieces was impossible. I am happy to find my way in another route. The timing had to be right. Some stories are not mine to tell and some have to wait for time to pass. 

I can see more clearly now. Sometimes, it is just about waiting and having rest.

My friend and neighbor died on the morning of the last day of March. She did all she could and finally, it was time for her to pass from this earth. A week later we (her friends and loved ones all gathered together), all saying the final goodbye to her.

I will say in her death, there were many lessons for all of us to learn from. I found many lessons for myself.

One of the lessons I learned was everyone lives and dies in the way of their choice. Everyone has their own beliefs. Each person in effect will live and die accordingly.

Another lesson I learned, there is not always the time when you say, “I will be right back.”

Still, yet, the other lesson I learned is, you cannot make everyone happy no matter how you live and die.

Dying is hard for everyone. There is a responsibility and need for dignity in both living and dying.

Harsh words and unsettled affairs can never be taken back or settled once death has taken place. Make the most of your time now. Leave this earth with no regrets.

Be ready and prepare as much as possible right now. Having medical directives for a living will and the last testament prepared, leaves less room for misinterpretation. You have a better chance of your last wishes being kept and respected. Not doing anything to prepare leaves open everything to misinterpretation and little choices that represent your true wishes.

Funeral homes are in business to make money. Our choices in how our remains are cared for are up to us. Having as much spelled out and paid for in advance saves the added stress later on, for loved ones suffering from shock and grief.

These are the lessons I have learned so far in this journey. Yes, death is a part of all of our journeys.

Things I will miss with my friend Shirley, are late-night country music barbecues. Looking at the stars and watching the neighbors and goings on in the neighborhood.Watching tv shows together and having snacks and sweet tea while often on the phone or sitting in her living room.

Thanksgiving and Christmas times The many hot afternoons with ice pops and treats. Sharing meals for no particular reason.

Shirley had her niece make Mexican food for me with freshly baked brownies. This was shortly after I got out of a temporary stay at a rehab skilled nursing facility.

Our first time together was on the Fourth of July barbecue, which Jean our mutual friend/neighbor and her husband hosted, as I was being moved into my new apartment. We each baked cookies, cakes, pies, and cobblers.

Shirley was feisty, sarcastic, and funny. When Shirley was serious she did not mince words. She was my friend and a generous person who was light-hearted. The pain was too great and after many miraculous comebacks, time was no more here on earth, for her.

I will forever miss Shirley. Good Night Sweet Lady and Friend!

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life’s Experiences Have Given Me Many Blessings

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Hey, Y’all!

It is great to be behind the keyboard again. I apologize for ghosting my blog for the past couple of months.

When I am not writing, I get scatterbrained because I lose my center. I want to change by getting plugged back into writing. I am looking forward to wound healing and healthy tissue progressing. Things are looking great with my wounds.

There have been many obstacles that got in the way of my healing. However, my body seems to be overcoming the obstacles. The weight loss progress is a different story. I am looking at what to do differently and taking in new information and calling upon what worked before.  

I will take the good parts of any day over the negative results.

I am not that person who wants to show grotesque pictures to the whole world or even to my loved ones. At one time I did some things like that but I just want to take the healing and not have to look at how bad things are I suppose.

The other side of the coin is, multiple times a week for years I have seen pictures of my wounds. I did show others once in many years what seemed to be an endless nightmare. I am not healed yet, but I feel healing is manifesting for sure.

Right now I am dependent upon taking my blood sugar and the pills to control it. However, I still take care in choosing what I eat most of the time. My blood sugar is excellent being controlled at 5.2. I am very happy with this result.

In other news, I have rearranged my house (my apartment). I am staying busy going through the drawers and getting rid of papers and things to make life more manageable. It is so much easier when less is more.

This evening after a long day of doing wound care and a doctor’s appointment, I took a nap. I was tired and needed the rest.

I have a lot of work ahead of me.  I have many goals to meet in all of the different areas of my life. Sometimes I get sidetracked and focus on stuff that has no real meaning or place in my life. This is why my writing is important, if even insignificant to others. It helps keep me grounded.

I am so grateful for my friends and for learning that they are not to be taken for granted. I also get to see where I am a friend to them and I also have learned I am not to be taken for granted either. I get to be a friend to me today and I am learning to treat myself better.

Life is one big recovery field I get to glean from and learn how to change and grow. This takes losing to gain so much more. It means less of me and mine to get to us. Together we can do this. Alone, I cannot accomplish as much.

Gratitude goes a long way in my recovery from a seemingly hopeless state of body, mind, and spirit. I must count my blessings.

Numbers 6:24-26 (ESV)

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Willing To Do Be BetterThan Yesterday

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Hey, Y’all!

We want things to change and be better. We want everything and everyone around us to be of a higher standard and to meet our needs accordingly. The sky is the limit! We are reaching for those stars. If we pay attention and look closely, maybe everything is better than we could ever hope for.

Here begs the question. Are we willing to do better and be better than yesterday? Are we willing to come up to a higher standard? I am just remembering after reading so many times, “we cannot transmit something we have not got.” If we do not have something we cannot give it.

I know from my experience, one day I can turn around and see the change in others. However, I may still be holding on to judgments, pettiness, and anger. Meanwhile, everything and everyone else around me has changed and come up to a higher standard. Suddenly, it is a whole new ball game. The team is ready for us. Are we ready for the team?

We suddenly realize it is not about who is better.  Are we willing to be better than yesterday? Even if we have something, we can lose it or give it up. In most cases, we give it up in trading what we might have for something newer, shinier, and bigger.

If we are not careful death becomes us.

In the beginning, the thing we most wanted was to free ourselves and all of those around us. Our vision becomes clouded by the things we refuse to let go of. What we know suddenly becomes everything we have believed from assumptions and decisions we made long ago. We decided and so it was until we decided to change. That is if we make that decision.

Pain has been my biggest motivator in making changes. It has taken both physical and emotional pain. Sometimes, even just seeing the pain caused in others by my decisions and actions. I admit, mostly it is my personal feeling of pain.

If we just take the opportunity to be open to hearing others out. I said the words not too long ago; that most people just need us to listen so they can unlock themselves. I remember once a friend of mine suggested that I have tunnel vision.

I was so wrapped up in myself that I had not even noticed the sarcasm in his voice. I asked him if it was fatal and if it was permanent. His answer was plain, it could be fatal, and it could be permanent if I was not willing to change some things.

It would be many years before changing my ways. I am still changing and have gone back and forth.

Some days are simply better than others. On the whole, everything is better, and I am better than I once was.

Yesterday I heard the word, humility. Humility is in the way of not waiting or wanting applause for choosing to do the next right thing by others.

It comes down to putting off our selfishness and letting go of my old ideas. It is seeing the good in everything and everyone.

It boils down to finding gratitude in the hardest of things we often go through.

We soon learn to be grateful for all the doors that close and the doors that open to us.

Psalm 119:105 (ESV)

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

I hope to continue writing and sharing my journey more consistently.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Come With Me On My Journey By Accident

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Hey, Y’all!

It has been too long again, y’all! It has been over a month since I have written. I woke up after an hour and a half nap and knew it was time to write. Let us just walk together, as I tell you things that have happened along my journey. I woke up laughing.

In my sleep waking up I was listening to Jase Robertson share something along the lines of God is not going to stop everything in creation to say; Hey hold up everyone, Jase made a mistake! We need to wait. (Note: Jase, if you read this I may have taken your words out of context). People tell me I hear wrong a lot of the time.

Once I said the words, God is ready for me to write out loud to myself, this light that has been burned out for a week, suddenly flickered on! Is this by accident? I think not. I even told my mama today; I have not written in like a month.

It seems I could not go on without another infection happening, this new year. The ailments that go along with the infection of being tired all the time and dragging. Some more effects in which I will belabor the point.

However, there is a difference this time in treating the infection. Thankfully, the days of needing the PICC Line are gone. The labs in the pharmacy take an antibiotic and some pumps of this gel mix it up and put it directly on the wound.

However, knowing the cause of the infection type and what bacteria is growing from a culture is necessary to know in this treatment.

I caution everyone to seek a professional. DO NOT ATTEMPT ON YOUR OWN!

Suffice it to say in my experience this is working! Hallelujah! What a miracle. Thank you, God!

My wonderful care worker (L) has gone on to another client so that he/she could get better hours, meaning a full-time check. Before L left, I asked L if I could pray for L. This is out of my comfort zone, yet it happened!

God told me to pray for L. I asked for forgiveness in that prayer if anything I said or did cause harm or was a stumbling block for healing and forgiveness and that L would be blessed as L went forward. At the end of that prayer, we both just said Wow!

I talk to God, I tell Him how badly I mess up at things.

I just could not get over what I thought I heard Jase say. It is like am I that self-absorbed to think all of creation must stop because I am struggling with all kinds of mistakes? How selfish! If it is what Jase said or not, those are the words I was to hear. I can laugh at the incredulous of my thoughts.

Micah 6:8 (ESV)

He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Holding Up The Whole Wide World, Really!

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Hey, Y’all!

Ain’t it heavy?

Man! I am telling you, it is heavy if you are thinking and trying to hold up the whole world by yourself! You are not alone.

We all fall into this thinking trap, thinking we are alone and trying to do it all ourselves. We do not even know half of it if we had to do it all by ourselves. I had one of those times by the end of the day, yesterday.

I am here to tell you I know some days it feels like we are in this world all alone. I am also here to tell you in those times we need people to tell us we are believing a big, fat lie! When my security is threatened by a letter that gets sent out by a computer glitch error, I went into a meltdown mode.

Thank goodness from a friend for giving me some direction. Even though there were directions in the letter I did not know how to do it at that moment. I had to hear directions verbally. I was able to get a live person by the second time I called the number. It was only after hearing and following directions, that I could admit I overreacted.

I was not alone. I had people who could help me help myself. In this world today sometimes, it feels like there is a rain cloud directly over your house. Your roof has all kinds of holes and all you have is one little pail, running from leak to leak trying to catch all the rain, hoping you can save your home from flooding.

It is useless and wasted energy to keep running and screaming. It accomplishes nothing. We will always find trouble at every turn. None of us can keep it all together. We can learn to remain calm and not fear the worst. People and technology make mistakes all the time.

However, it is important to remember while we remain calm, that we have responsibilities. We may have to wait and see how some things turn out but we keep moving on in the meantime. I am still learning and making progress, even making mistakes along the way.

The world is not as heavy when I let go. I am not alone in this life. This is another lie I believed until I was shown the truth. We have to weed out all the lies we believe so that we can live. We do not have to be miserable.

I strive for happiness today. This means changing my mindset and stopping the lies I have believed. If I believe that I am always right, there is no room for change and I will remain miserable and lose out on a lot in this life. I want more for myself and others.

I am not alone. I cannot hold up this world. I will never be perfect, but I can do better than I do. I am not always right. I must keep changing to learn to enjoy life.

There is a plan and I know a man who can. It gets better than this, I promise.

John 16:33 ESV

33 I have said these things to you, that n me you may have peace In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!  

Freedom Begins When We Stop Comparing Ourselves

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Hey, Y’all!

I am up late writing because I am experiencing some physical pain. I cannot control the pain. I hope and pray by following the suggestions of my doctors and nurses, I can help alleviate the pain. It helps stop the pain when I use the lymphedema pumps on my legs and feet. Praying helps but actions do back up the prayer.

Following directions is imperative for my healing. This is something I have had to learn in the past decade or more.

I must admit that following directions is not something I have done well. I have improved over the years. I hope to achieve a better understanding of how to keep improving, on listening and doing what is suggested in all of the areas of my life.

We can ask for help, but if we are not listening and following directions, we will not know how to change or improve our state of being.

I have heard that changing takes patience, practice, and time. Time takes time. If all we have are words, we cannot change without actions that match up to the words. I am impatient with myself and others when it comes to change.

I have parroted phrases thinking it was enough to make a change in myself. Why? I was comparing myself to others and others said it was the right way. I tried mimicking others, but I did not have the directions for making the changes.

Anyone who has ever worked an equation with algebra knows you can have all the right letters, numbers, and powers to the numbers, but if you do not have the directions for solving the equation, you cannot show the work for the answer.

I am above no one. I did not know how to make the necessary changes in my thoughts. I compared myself to others and had lofty thoughts of who I thought I wanted to be. That has always been the case in my life. It still gets me in trouble, to this day.

I need reminders so that I do not get myself isolated or bogged down in my thoughts because I am comparing myself to others. It is that which I compare myself to that keeps me bound. When I compare myself to something unrealistic, I am enslaved, trying to be that which I am not.

Today I have some directions and suggestions from others and it is helping me change. Some days are better than others.

When I compare myself to others or try to be someone I am not I cut myself off from God and others.

I heard it said years ago if you hang around a barbershop long enough you will get a haircut. Being the people watcher I am, I started watching the different haircuts and would pick one out thinking it would change me. I was not the cool person I saw. I was still me; I was doing the same things I had always done.

It is the thoughts of ourselves we must change. We are not all that and a bag of chips. We are neither lowly nor miserable pieces of garbage. We can live a life that is true to what we are supposed to be. But it is doing necessary action daily.

We start finding gratitude and seeing the beauty in life. We learn what having respect for ourselves and others means. We not only start speaking differently but we take the actions necessary to grow in deeper love for life. We find that we are not only hearing mere words but directions that we comprehend.

We lose our chains and become free.

Proverbs 4:26 ESV

Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life Changing Heard Forgiveness Is For The Forgiver

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Hey, Y’all!

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I heard this in a message two weeks ago. Though this is not new to me, it is a fact. I believe it is our thoughts that make forgiveness difficult. Thoughts become feelings if we do not stop the thoughts.

For instance, in writing this blog post entry I have had many thoughts as someone was in the room to interrupt me. I became angry and annoyed by anything they did. I do not always get the choice to write while being alone in the room.

What does this mean? I have a resentment and lack of trust for them. It is a basic trust issue. I am unsure why or what it is other than behaviors I do not care for. Yet, these behaviors are some of the same ones I have exhibited before as well.

Because we have grown in an area others may not have, we place ourselves above them. It still comes down to protecting ourselves from things we learned that are hurtful. We do not wish to feel that hurt or necessarily cause that same hurt. Do we not still want others that cause us to hurt to pay handsomely? After all, we had to pay, so they should pay!

I know as I rewrite this blog post, many conversations are taking place in my head. My thoughts are having court take place and I become the judge. Many times, it comes down to dismissing the cases. How do we let the cases go? It is difficult as the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts are more annoying than the acts we see. We must free ourselves before we can free anyone else.

Every act of forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves, allowing our negative thoughts, hurts, and behaviors of others to take root in us.

I attest to the fact when the actions of others take root in me unless  I stop the thoughts, I begin rationalizing my revenge.

If I can stop the thoughts and step back, I  have a chance to redirect my focus. It may mean distancing myself long enough to work through the feelings I have allowed. I must look within myself and take stock of my actions. If I just ignore the situation, an innocent bystander may get the brunt of my wrath.

I have been embarrassed by my behavior. Was being embarrassed enough to change my behavior? Not most of the time. Why? Because I believed I could hide my behaviors and embarrassment. I kept the vicious cycle going. It kept me locked within myself. I could not be free. This is still true unless I forgive myself.

If I am not careful when I step back I isolate myself with my thoughts instead of working through them. This is damaging to my soul. I must take control of my thoughts, so my thoughts do not take control of me.

Recently,  I binge-watched a show I love and have seen every episode before. It shows a woman wrestling with her belief in God. I will not tell you the name of the show, because I am not sure it is healthy to watch. To get to my point every time I am wrestling with myself, I find I am wrestling with God and my beliefs.

There’s also a song some of us, once sang for communion, and in that song was a line, “if I don’t back down I hope you win.” This is where I am every time I want to be centered and let go.

We can wear unforgiveness like a rock around our necks or we can let go of that rock, to save ourselves.

Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? ” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Forgiveness comes down to loving my neighbor as myself. Man, I hope I hear that!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Waking Up In The Wee Morning Hours

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Hey, Y’all!

Good morning! I woke up at 2:21 a.m. I was in bed by 9:35 p.m. I believe I was subconsciously bothered by the fact; I left the kitchen a mess. I was in automatic mode when I woke up and went to work cleaning up my mess.

Oh yes, coffee time is here, regardless. My coffee tastes great, first thing in the morning. I look forward to it helping me be in a calm state.

Here it is two hours later, having taken so much time to be comfortable. I had to set up my pumps, settle in with my coffee, and get the music turned on. I want my things and my comfort.

Can you believe we started the second week of the new year, yesterday?

The new work week for me starts today. I have a home health nurse coming this morning to do my dressing changes. I also have my home health aid worker coming today. Being up early does make writing easier. I am not sure; I want to be up at 2:30 am every day.

I do want a regular schedule. It is all about routine. Having a routine is what has helped my mama, grandma, and other successful people live longer than I have. I want to be successful and meet my goals. It is all part of the healing process, and healing takes hard work.

We can ask for all the prayers and say all the prayers possible, but there is work for me to do. Faith takes work. Many people call faith a spiritual muscle. Sometimes it is making those physical muscles work as well.

I just got this image of God saying, “I am not asking you to run a 50-yard dash; all I am asking you to do, is walk!”

For those of you who may not know I have had a diagnosis of venous insufficiency. I have had wounds and a few months ago I had an infection that turned into Osteomyelitis. I have had chronic wounds since the late 1990s. Thankfully, the Osteomyelitis was able to be removed by cutting out two small bones through an incise on the side below my great toe of the left foot. This prevented the spread of the horrible infection to the main bone that is connected to the left leg. To this date, I have been infection free. Perhaps this is the longest time yet, I have not had an infection or have had to take antibiotics.

My goals surround being fully healed. A good part of this means, getting weight off and increasing my mobility. Sometimes we get healed instantly, sometimes not at all, and other times healing comes as an education. Some of us are slow learners. I am learning now, though!

I will get consistent. I will practice consistency today by exercising, walking, and being ready for each appointment.

Most days I do accomplish a lot of tasks. I do require help some days. I do need to learn to ask for the right kind of help and in the right way. However, I find doing as much as I physically can handle keeps me more independent.

This is a part of my journey. Thankfully, this is me on the other side of having an infection.

 Proverbs 17:22 ESV

 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I will be joyful as I go for a walk right now! I went for a twenty-minute walk.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!