Realizing I Cannot Do It By Myself

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I seem to fall asleep as soon as I say I am going to try to stay awake until it is a decent bedtime, and invariably it becomes a late night. So here I am writing mainly out of gratitude that I am not in the hospital or hurt myself by some part of me that felt the need to control things.

As we get older, we want more freedom and simultaneously we have more limitations, which we try to ignore.  I have always accused others of being controlling. Ironically, I am the controlling one. This became news to me. It is not recent news trust me on that.

I always want things a certain way. I do not want to have to express that I want things a certain way, or even ask for help in getting things the way I want them. Perhaps I do want people to read my mind and then resent them because they cannot do so.

It was twenty-four hours ago I was trying to help myself get up off the floor because I had knelt and realized I could not get up off the floor. My knees were locked underneath me. I had no strength whatsoever.

Between 2:00 am and 2:30 am my neighbor heard me crying and screaming for help after the 2 hours or so of me praying and asking God for help. It was a total of about 31/2 to 4 hours. I never felt so scared or helpless in my whole life.

I was so grateful for the paramedics and my neighbor. I have vowed to leave things alone that I cannot control. It has been a wake-up call to my situation that I cannot do it all by myself and that I do require help.

There also seems to be another lesson make sure before you take to social media your loved ones are aware and are reassured, you are okay. I still have a few I am way behind on.

I must do some research and figure out away to get me better. I never want to feel that helpless again. However, in the meantime it is about recognizing I have true limits. Respecting my limits is a must.

I find myself happy to be able to be sitting up texting and even writing blog entry. If you had told me even 3 years ago a day was coming, I would not be able to pull myself up off the floor, I would have called you a liar. Yet here I am. My absolutes are, always having my phone and cane on me. I hate having phone on me all the time.

Anyone who knows me at all knows I want to see phones die a horrible death under a tractor trailer. It is not just my phone that annoys me, it is your phone too! The necessary evils they are just makes me want to say bad words.

This comes from a 30 something (Who counts their age after 39 anyway?) who used to be a teen who spent hours and hours on the phone.

I am so grateful for the love support and encouragement from friends and family. I love ya all.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Looking Ahead in February For Self-Care

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While I am doing the best, I can at not isolating, sometimes you do have to shut the door to the outside world and shut off the phone. It is a balancing act.

Today while at the wound center It got very cold outside and all I could think about was coming home and ripping into the crockpot of homemade chili. I made myself wait almost an hour and a half though even after I got home.

I did shut the door and I only turned down the volume on my phone as opposed to shutting it off. I savored every bite of my bowl of chili.

I feel warm, safe, and nourished now.

I wanted to take time to write today as we begin the second month of 2021.

I have been out in left field feeling sorry for myself and grieving. It is all a mixed bag. I think I am back on track now, telling myself to get it together. One day it will be too late to get it together; so, I hope I get it together sooner.

I am trying to corner off my safe space. I must figure out what works for me. I am hanging on to the hope I have now, and hopefully it grow within me.

I suppose writing is one of my ways of reaching out and even passing on what I have.

When I talk about creating that safe space it includes nurturing myself, making better choices realizing I have to self-parent, telling myself no to some things and saying yes to new ideas. Doing what I need to care for myself.

I guess I have done well at limiting my sodium as my blood tests came up that I was a little low on sodium. The suggestion came along to drink some Gatorade and I should be fine. Even the tiniest suggestion can make a way for change.

I am not usually one to jump up and down asking for suggestions unless it is in a smart-alecky way. However, maybe it is time I take a serious look at that and just do what has already been suggested.

I probably spend more time going back the way I came just to ask; are you sure this is the way to the yellow brick road? I could have been at the yellow brick road and planted trees by now if it were not for all the back tracking.

I am looking forward to the month ahead that I can gain some solid footing. This month will hopefully be me putting everything into action I know to do to take care of myself.

Challenges do come along. That does not mean I have to let those challenges sweep me way from doing what I know in my heart to be right in taking care of myself.

I am ready to learn to love myself the right way and make better choices.

May we all do the next right thing.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Closing Out January 2021 Climbing Out!

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Climbing out, I have gone through emotional and physical pain.

Today is January 31st, 2021 and it is the final day for this January.

The physical pain overtook me this week and made me feel so weak.

I am determined to overcome the emotional parts and in turn hopefully the physical pain will subside.

Climbing out for me means having to let go of anger once more, it’s a step-by-step process.

I have let sadness come in and live and let go of not taking responsibility for myself. I am ready to do better, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and keep going. I will have to look inside in order to heal, but not alone. I am not safe doing that alone I need help to do that.

The important people in my life say don’t isolate and reach out. Check on other people get out of your own head and listen to others. All of us are going through something.

I do want to find the part of me who prays for others needs rather than my own. I need to pray for others much more than I have been doing.

I will tell you many times Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday always. I want to live in giving thanks for all I have. The reason being at the end of the day, I am not alone. God still carries me through even when my behavior is not okay.

God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving of all. Because of God’s grace there’s no way to earn His love. I want to do better.

In the end of all this I have voiced in my writing, is my climbing out this time, means its time for me to step up and take responsibility for my well-being.

Its not about living up to any one person’s standards. It’s a spiritual journey where I do the best I can for twenty-four hours. I often forget that it is only for twenty-four hours.

I am here in my virtual boxcar arranging my pillows to finally relax with a cup of coffee. I acknowledge my right to live and thrive. It is my responsibility to reach my hand out to others who cry for help. That’s to anyone, anywhere.

I am limited in many ways however I can walk this walk, because talk is cheap. I am willing to move forward so I don’t die within myself.

I have taken my rest this weekend. It has been good.

  1. I am thankful for rest.
  2. I am thankful for the foresight to see anger and depression no longer serves me.
  3. I am thankful for God and that He has not dropped me.
  4. I am thankful for family and friends.
  5. I am thankful for my needs being met.
  6. I am thankful for a new day.
  7. I am thankful I get to be present for myself and others.
  8. I am thankful for the check-ins I will do in this very, twenty-four hours.
  9. I am grateful for my health.
  10. I am grateful to not oversee this world or other people.

So many times, I want to push my will ahead of everything. My prayer is simply if I won’t back down, I hope He wins!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Welcome To 2021

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Welcome to 2021 This year really sucks in a lot of ways starting out.

My heart was broken on January 1st, 2021.  As a result, I have mostly been unable to tell anyone how I really feel. I lost a lot of hope that day.

COVID-19 did damage to someone in our extended family he was tie in so many facets of my own life. On January 1st COVID-19 took my uncles life. The last of my Grandma’s sons.

One of my friends died as well.

I am not sure of the causes I just know that she had been sick and at least she could go on her own terms.

I realize there’s the circle of life and much more. It just sucks to lose people here on earth.

I have not found it necessary to drink or drug over any of this and if ever I wanted to use it as an excuse to do so, it would only be another poor choice to make. I am thankful I didn’t.

My heart cries out broken and in pain reliving other deaths along the way.

I have been using isolation for a while now and it doesn’t work very well because I realized its like I died to other people. That’s not very fair to them when I love them so much.

Death brings to me so much pain and my brokenness inside me open for others to see. I fall apart easily. I can’t fix me, and I can’t fix others. Death is so frustrating for us left behind. I have joked with those I am forced to have to deal with because of my own health issues.

I broke down one day and said no more doctors no more try this or that stop the meds, and everyone get the hell out if my house. I said that to one of my helpers one day and when I bent over to pick something up; I realized I needed anyone who could be there because they had to be.

I have so much fear of what will come next. Avoidance isn’t working though.

Praying and wishing and hoping is not enough. I have prayed for everyone and still do. It’s not about me. It’s about love.

Each year I have prayed maybe a selfish prayer for not to take anyone else this year because I just want more time and more healing.

I am very sad, and I can’t just get over it.  I can’t imagine what others feel I can’t write their story. I can only tell you mine.

My story started as male unnamed Day. Later I was to meet the lunch lady who became my wonderful mother and her husband my dad. Because they wanted me, I finally had a family. Because they loved me.

My heart broke when my dad passed away and still is broken. I am thankful I still have who all is left and I need them. I don’t how to be there for them, but I want to be.

I am sorry for leaving you out for a while I can’t make it up, I’ll never be good enough.

My most unusual post. Prayers for all.

Thanks for reading and I hope to be back soon! Peace and Love.

This is Boxcar Mike

I Have Been Running Trying To Free Myself

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Good Morning Everyone!

I find I take a lot for granted until time and resources are lost. I want to make the most out of every opportunity going forward.

My days have been filled with empty promises. I do not want to live that way any longer. I deserve better from myself. Those around me deserve better as well. My promises from now on need to be no promises. I just need to do the best I can for each twenty-four hours and accept it as such.

The other day I took a new picture of myself. For the first time in a long time I saw the gleam back in my eyes. The hazel colored eyes that are mine. The softness of my skin. The less weary rough and rugged face.

The hair that lays so nicely atop my head, along with a genuine smile.

I am not so sure I am writing this all so correct. But I see in me the writer that is passionate about who he is, what he has seen, where he has been, and all he hopes to be. I saw all that wrapped in love and grace.

I do not deserve grace that is for sure as none of us really do. It is unmerited favor. It is one of the greatest gifts freely offered.

My feet are rough and sore. They have holes in the skin.

My legs are weak and hurt so bad some days.

I was trying to run on these limbs not even realizing it.

I see hope in me again.

I want to paint a picture now of the days and nights, before finding me.

You see I had lost hope or thought I had.

The nights were filled with horrible images and a darkness shadowed. My nights were not so sweet. I was crying and afraid. I screamed!

I am not sure I even knew how to pray anymore. I honestly thought as many a time before, this was the end of my life. I cried out for my mom. I always cry out for her when I feel I am in trouble. She could not save me.

I felt as though my heart and gut were being ripped from me. I froze.

There was nothing I could do but see a door shutting down on me. I was being force and locked into the ground and I could not make a sound.

This was true fear as it gripped my life. I must get up and walk for this is not a game. This is for keeps. I will not play this round again.

The days are plagued with images from the night and it is all about this rock.

This lady, this man, another man, another lady, my mom, this group of people, are all shouting at me to drop this rock! Unbury yourself! You are not dead! Come out among the living and be free!

Oh, this rock, has been the problem the whole time! The rock holds the garage door I tried to hold up for my family. It holds the tears and fears. The trauma of my childhood[MR1] . and all the things I have done in word thought, and deed.

I am tired of tripping over this rock and letting it bury me. I picked it up to run with it so I do not trip over it.

Oh Mama! it hurts so bad! Please make it stop!

My friend Kay (not her real name) says: “Honey she did not create it, she did not cause it, and your mama cannot cure it. Drop the rock!”

I am trying! I want to be free! Kay says again, “Drop the rock! No one can do it for you. Only you, can drop it.”

I am ready with sobbing that floods all around me. Still, it is not enough until I drop the rock.

Thanks for reading!

Authors Note: The conversation with Kay only happened in my head. But she has said so many words similar. Let us make it clear I love my Mama and I love Kay my dearest friend forever. Both are incredibly special people.

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

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I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

You Must Follow Through No Checking Out

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Hi Everyone

I am back here attempting to write after failing to do any workshop or classes. Physically I could not do it. I spiraled down into deep depression my usual go-to.

However, I am climbing out again. The physical has been real.

I have checked out emotionally and have had several talks with myself about the need to do better and do different. The follow through is always needed.

I just talked with someone as they see me doing better, I said I must have a follow through. Without the follow through its just empty words and continuing to check out.

I do not want to be that person. The graveyards are full of people who had no follow through. They just checked out emotionally letting depression and circumstances drive them into the ground.

The doctors say, I will most likely be on antibiotics the rest of my life. I do not want to accept that. I am not willing to accept death either. At least not right now.

Today is one of my best days. I got enough sleep. I feel alert and know what is going on around me instead of feeling dazed and depressed.

You see you get to appoint of thinking you are accepting everything when you are checking out instead and continue your journey. It is a hard way to live that way You get blind-sighted by everything.

Your family and friends wonder where you are, where you have gone to now. Some even say they have worried and prayed so much hoping you were not just alone, laying in your apartment dead. It is not fair to them.

You still talk to your therapist, thank God! He asks how he can help. You explode with some expletives while saying, if you knew that you would not be there. That is not true.

You are there because you realize your hope candle is about to burn out. You are there because to the rest of the world you have checked out. You are there because you do not want to die. You are there because you finally admit you want to be held and told it is all going to be okay.

Maybe not everything will be okay, but you will get through it if only you follow through.

Writing this is part of my follow-through. I owe so many apologies and one to myself after everyone else. Because part of my apology is doing the follow through.

Even doing the follow-through and living life to the fullest does not prevent death at some point. But no one is dying here in this place today.

This time of year, I am ready to be thankful and have written thankfulness in many ways, in the past. But today, I am grateful most of all for friends and family who have not checked out on me.

Let me preface what I am about to say I am not usually political. What I have to say is partially political but most to do with the heart and spiritual.

I am scared for this world. I fear losing all freedom. It has so much to do with checking out and becoming door mats. I am not asking anyone to agree with me or speak against anyone.

I am telling you what I fear most. Make no mistake it is a reality!

I am grateful for today, being able to write, and just be real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

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Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

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Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

A New Season It’s Time For Change

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Hi Everyone,

I cannot believe September is here. For me, it is a sign that the new season is upon us. I am ready to change some things around. I just told a friend in a message that I needed to remember I was alive.

September is when I start my season of gratitude as well. I start on it now in hopes of being able to continue in gratitude the whole year through.

September is the month to begin searching out chili recipes for sure. I also love the smell of spices and making a sweet aroma of spices in all my cooking and baking, I hope to be doing in this new season.

I love the smells of yesteryear also. I am forever trying to make chocolate chip cookies the exact way my mom does.

It is everything about those smells that reminds me of home, safety and feeling loved and a connection like I talked about in my last post. Having those memories of sight, touch, smell, and taste. That is what helps me connect inside to the real me and to pour out love in my heart to others.

It usually comes back a hundred times or more. Sometimes it is as simple as chicken noodle soup.

My nurse and friend Sarah came by today and she mentioned when we talk, she stays there for like a week. We connect so much it sends us into a time warp and finally remembering and rehashing without the woundedness.

My season is changing some as I heal physically. I believe healing is as much physical and spiritual. The emotional roller coaster never helps. But when you find some peace, it comes together I believe.

So, my way of entering this season is I signed up for a 2-month workshop on creative writing, in hopes to improve my writing skills and keep me accountable.

I mean as writers; we hold on to our first drafts like they are our babies.  We are afraid to prune and cut back. I want to always be improving and getting better at crafting my work.

The flip side of the coin is if we put out sucky pieces we are still writing. However, I want to do better than that. Its scary and humbling to admit I need to improve. This is my chance to change.

Change is the pathway to better things and reaching more people. My writing is healing for me. I told a friend even if I suck at the workshop at least I know I will have improved.

I do not believe change is possible without the spiritual part. Maybe that is why I believe it is all spiritual.

When I first took a leap of faith I thought, “Oh, I have arrived!” No, no I did not arrive. I arrived at writing maybe some paragraphs where the reader could follow.

I wanted everything handed to me because I had a message. But I did not have a voice, or a niche, or anything. I am still defining that here, years later.

Change is coming and it is time to stop living in doom and gloom, filled with apathy. I need to remind myself I am alive! Let us not forget who we are.

Thanks for reading!

This has been anther blogpost entry by Boxcar mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!