I Have Been Running Trying To Free Myself

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Good Morning Everyone!

I find I take a lot for granted until time and resources are lost. I want to make the most out of every opportunity going forward.

My days have been filled with empty promises. I do not want to live that way any longer. I deserve better from myself. Those around me deserve better as well. My promises from now on need to be no promises. I just need to do the best I can for each twenty-four hours and accept it as such.

The other day I took a new picture of myself. For the first time in a long time I saw the gleam back in my eyes. The hazel colored eyes that are mine. The softness of my skin. The less weary rough and rugged face.

The hair that lays so nicely atop my head, along with a genuine smile.

I am not so sure I am writing this all so correct. But I see in me the writer that is passionate about who he is, what he has seen, where he has been, and all he hopes to be. I saw all that wrapped in love and grace.

I do not deserve grace that is for sure as none of us really do. It is unmerited favor. It is one of the greatest gifts freely offered.

My feet are rough and sore. They have holes in the skin.

My legs are weak and hurt so bad some days.

I was trying to run on these limbs not even realizing it.

I see hope in me again.

I want to paint a picture now of the days and nights, before finding me.

You see I had lost hope or thought I had.

The nights were filled with horrible images and a darkness shadowed. My nights were not so sweet. I was crying and afraid. I screamed!

I am not sure I even knew how to pray anymore. I honestly thought as many a time before, this was the end of my life. I cried out for my mom. I always cry out for her when I feel I am in trouble. She could not save me.

I felt as though my heart and gut were being ripped from me. I froze.

There was nothing I could do but see a door shutting down on me. I was being force and locked into the ground and I could not make a sound.

This was true fear as it gripped my life. I must get up and walk for this is not a game. This is for keeps. I will not play this round again.

The days are plagued with images from the night and it is all about this rock.

This lady, this man, another man, another lady, my mom, this group of people, are all shouting at me to drop this rock! Unbury yourself! You are not dead! Come out among the living and be free!

Oh, this rock, has been the problem the whole time! The rock holds the garage door I tried to hold up for my family. It holds the tears and fears. The trauma of my childhood[MR1] . and all the things I have done in word thought, and deed.

I am tired of tripping over this rock and letting it bury me. I picked it up to run with it so I do not trip over it.

Oh Mama! it hurts so bad! Please make it stop!

My friend Kay (not her real name) says: “Honey she did not create it, she did not cause it, and your mama cannot cure it. Drop the rock!”

I am trying! I want to be free! Kay says again, “Drop the rock! No one can do it for you. Only you, can drop it.”

I am ready with sobbing that floods all around me. Still, it is not enough until I drop the rock.

Thanks for reading!

Authors Note: The conversation with Kay only happened in my head. But she has said so many words similar. Let us make it clear I love my Mama and I love Kay my dearest friend forever. Both are incredibly special people.

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Finding The Writer and Blogger While Giving Thanks

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

I am here writing finally. I am sorry it has taken so long and there is no guarantee it will post, as my internet is very spotty at best.

I miss the writer, the blogger, and the positivity you brought or at least you opened to. I miss me so much and I am trying to get me back again because life is waiting on me.

My world has gotten small in these four walls. I am doing all I can to prevent the spiraling down to just have to climb up again. For once I will say no to the spiraling down. It serves no purpose anymore.

There is so much to be grateful for. My favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. There is no price tag attached to this holiday only gratitude, creativity, and sharing with others if you can.

The beauty of giving thanks with others is sharing yourself. It is not even limited to the holiday. We get to keep giving thanks and in doing so, we turn ourselves around. Giving thanks can be contagious. I find strength in giving thanks to walk through this life.

Unconditional love is both given and reciprocated as we draw others like minded around us. They also draw us to them. What can be more beautiful than that ripple created?

We find peace, hope, and love. In these we walk in the faith that helps us to work through all the difficulties and hard ships. Life is not a fairy tale there will always be both good and bad. They both serve for us to have such knowledge.

The writer, the blogger, and creator of words, I ask that he seek the words to use, even in a simple prayer of thanks and asking for the strength to get myself up, once more.

Each day is the choice to rise above all circumstances and let go of the negativity. No, I now know I need help and I cannot do this alone. Though willingness is the key and just a start. It finally can happen in asking others.

I can keep it going by stretching my hand out to the next one asking for help and showing them, it is safe to step out in faith.

Everyday it is impressed upon me how important it is we each do our part. It is the soul searching and letting go of the things that keep us bound. Healing the worry and grief in and on our hearts. It is in doing the foot work of pounding the pavement, so we may continue.

Dear God,

Help me stay the course. Help me do the next right thing. You have made me strong in remembering our many in number. You have given me the chance to keep going today. I want to keep changing for the better.

Man can not do this alone even many in number we need our spiritual food as much as regular food both nourish us. One for our bodies and the other for our soul.

Help me to do what is asked of me, that you would have me do each day.

May I remember to treat each one I meet the love and grace that I have been shown.

Amen.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all  Everybody!

You Must Follow Through No Checking Out

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Hi Everyone

I am back here attempting to write after failing to do any workshop or classes. Physically I could not do it. I spiraled down into deep depression my usual go-to.

However, I am climbing out again. The physical has been real.

I have checked out emotionally and have had several talks with myself about the need to do better and do different. The follow through is always needed.

I just talked with someone as they see me doing better, I said I must have a follow through. Without the follow through its just empty words and continuing to check out.

I do not want to be that person. The graveyards are full of people who had no follow through. They just checked out emotionally letting depression and circumstances drive them into the ground.

The doctors say, I will most likely be on antibiotics the rest of my life. I do not want to accept that. I am not willing to accept death either. At least not right now.

Today is one of my best days. I got enough sleep. I feel alert and know what is going on around me instead of feeling dazed and depressed.

You see you get to appoint of thinking you are accepting everything when you are checking out instead and continue your journey. It is a hard way to live that way You get blind-sighted by everything.

Your family and friends wonder where you are, where you have gone to now. Some even say they have worried and prayed so much hoping you were not just alone, laying in your apartment dead. It is not fair to them.

You still talk to your therapist, thank God! He asks how he can help. You explode with some expletives while saying, if you knew that you would not be there. That is not true.

You are there because you realize your hope candle is about to burn out. You are there because to the rest of the world you have checked out. You are there because you do not want to die. You are there because you finally admit you want to be held and told it is all going to be okay.

Maybe not everything will be okay, but you will get through it if only you follow through.

Writing this is part of my follow-through. I owe so many apologies and one to myself after everyone else. Because part of my apology is doing the follow through.

Even doing the follow-through and living life to the fullest does not prevent death at some point. But no one is dying here in this place today.

This time of year, I am ready to be thankful and have written thankfulness in many ways, in the past. But today, I am grateful most of all for friends and family who have not checked out on me.

Let me preface what I am about to say I am not usually political. What I have to say is partially political but most to do with the heart and spiritual.

I am scared for this world. I fear losing all freedom. It has so much to do with checking out and becoming door mats. I am not asking anyone to agree with me or speak against anyone.

I am telling you what I fear most. Make no mistake it is a reality!

I am grateful for today, being able to write, and just be real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering We Are Enough To Be Loved

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Photo by Jan Kroon on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,

Many days it is so easy to undo the positive by forgetting who we are.

We are enough. We have a God who loves us and blesses us each day with life. Each breath we take is a gift. All of it is holy. I did not always believe so and some days I still struggle with believing.

In some situations, I will be shaking my head yes outwardly when someone is trying to affirm me in that I am enough to be loved and running far away on the inside.

But I am growing each day and think I will get to more solid ground with it as I press forward. I always believe if you are going to put something out here, then you must also be willing to be honest where you are with it any given day.

Do not get me wrong I do believe about the touching of souls and core of ourselves being spiritual. What is challenging is believing it when the tests come up.

Some days you do feel like you are whistling in the dark. This does not take away my experiences and it does not mean I lied about true connections. After all, it is just a feeling and we go through many feelings.

Feelings lie sometimes. We must accept this basic truth or else we will be filled doom and gloom most of our lives. I do not want to live my life in doom and gloom. Much of my life was already there before my parents and true family.

The after was living my life in addiction and self-hate. Each day is a battle for love to win. Some days are also easier than others.

What I have established so far is that I need God. The God who created me from dust and breathed life into me. That leads to me needing the breath of life.

There are real forces ready to snuff that breath of life out of me if I allow it. My addiction and drinking proved that. I also need truth with out truth I cannot acknowledge what is real.

Without reality I cannot love or be loved. Otherwise it is all empty words and no connection. Ah, but we have already established there is a connection and it is real. We do not get to cop out, as we often will try if we are running the show.

Today I want to establish my grounding believing all that is true. It can be summed up into this one nugget I was given this morning.  In Him we live and move and have our being. This is part of Acts 17 which is in a context, where Paul is advising how to seek after God.

That word stands on its own. We het to live and move and have our being. If we can remind each other of who we are love wins again.

It is in this thought of mind to foster hope in each other and to have grounded connections that the truth sets us free.

Change is coming and it is real.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike   over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

What Does Being in Love With Life Look Like ?

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Hi Everyone,

For me being in love with life is a lot like life is finally hugging you back. It is after all the vain attempts to describe not giving up and having hope. The vain attempts forced me to see my tank was empty.

It is a lot like a baptism. Where you were asleep and then you wake up to believe in happiness and hope. Suddenly the fears are washed away, and you see things a bit clearer.

Today I am going to attempt to write about what being in love with life looks like.

If I were casting a movie, perhaps it would be something like the role of George Bailey from “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Isn’t life wonderful?

I am ready to press through and run this race. No more sitting on the sideline waiting for whatever is going to happen. Every thought is about doing better. Every song is emotional and motivating towards a positive stride.

Writing is my life in the sense its how I communicate with the world. I finally realize it is not the approval I need. All though, it is instant gratification when that happens and does feed my ego. But I want more. I want the connection.

It is more than just a feeling. It is when souls connect because of a power source that has made it electrifying even. Hearing every song and each one speaks in a different way.

When a member of your audience says how a piece of your work speaks to their soul. That is true nourishment and you know somehow you have stumbled on to the right track and someone hears you.

Everything you have fed is feeding you right back. I believe that’s how life works. It sure is how I feel recovery works. It is all ever healing.  The words go down and it speaks life and you receive back just knowing you may have nourished another.

Everything you do is done with excitement. In your head every 1970’s song is playing as you complete one task after another.

When your words echo back in love it is like revisiting the creek of your childhood and where your friend Sarah was baptized. It is love and the language of the heart.

You hear yourself saying its not so bad and you are going to make it through. Everything is so surreal. You smile because amid the painful anguish happening it all happened. Life happened! Souls touched.

You become a live ball of energy that is more than just words. You are taking the world on and seeing you have a hand of cards to play. Play them all. Take the chances. We cannot give up. Life is at stake. Our own lives.

I am not done breathing, smelling, tasting, seeing, or hearing. Everything is fresh and brand new. I do not have to scream today. I must write.

I can smell my mom’s fresh loaf of homemade bread coming from the oven oh so hot and tasty.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

A New Season It’s Time For Change

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Hi Everyone,

I cannot believe September is here. For me, it is a sign that the new season is upon us. I am ready to change some things around. I just told a friend in a message that I needed to remember I was alive.

September is when I start my season of gratitude as well. I start on it now in hopes of being able to continue in gratitude the whole year through.

September is the month to begin searching out chili recipes for sure. I also love the smell of spices and making a sweet aroma of spices in all my cooking and baking, I hope to be doing in this new season.

I love the smells of yesteryear also. I am forever trying to make chocolate chip cookies the exact way my mom does.

It is everything about those smells that reminds me of home, safety and feeling loved and a connection like I talked about in my last post. Having those memories of sight, touch, smell, and taste. That is what helps me connect inside to the real me and to pour out love in my heart to others.

It usually comes back a hundred times or more. Sometimes it is as simple as chicken noodle soup.

My nurse and friend Sarah came by today and she mentioned when we talk, she stays there for like a week. We connect so much it sends us into a time warp and finally remembering and rehashing without the woundedness.

My season is changing some as I heal physically. I believe healing is as much physical and spiritual. The emotional roller coaster never helps. But when you find some peace, it comes together I believe.

So, my way of entering this season is I signed up for a 2-month workshop on creative writing, in hopes to improve my writing skills and keep me accountable.

I mean as writers; we hold on to our first drafts like they are our babies.  We are afraid to prune and cut back. I want to always be improving and getting better at crafting my work.

The flip side of the coin is if we put out sucky pieces we are still writing. However, I want to do better than that. Its scary and humbling to admit I need to improve. This is my chance to change.

Change is the pathway to better things and reaching more people. My writing is healing for me. I told a friend even if I suck at the workshop at least I know I will have improved.

I do not believe change is possible without the spiritual part. Maybe that is why I believe it is all spiritual.

When I first took a leap of faith I thought, “Oh, I have arrived!” No, no I did not arrive. I arrived at writing maybe some paragraphs where the reader could follow.

I wanted everything handed to me because I had a message. But I did not have a voice, or a niche, or anything. I am still defining that here, years later.

Change is coming and it is time to stop living in doom and gloom, filled with apathy. I need to remind myself I am alive! Let us not forget who we are.

Thanks for reading!

This has been anther blogpost entry by Boxcar mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

How Do I Release Love And Let It Flow

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hi Everyone,

Today I am posting in how I release love and let it flow through my passions.

The only way to release love is to have love. I believe you only possess love by experiencing love, in a way that has reached you to the core of your soul. I think its spiritual and in a way that is beyond mumbling the many eloquent words of a prayer or just seeing the sun rise and sunset.

Do not get me wrong. I believe prayer and meditation are important but again they come by experiencing true love.

The true love comes when you are touched to your core to finally reach outside of yourself and make it known you are searching and looking for ways to touch those that have that have touched you to your soul.

Maybe it is someone in your tribe. Maybe it is a stranger’s story.

Let me explain; I do believe in the divine. I believe in divine appointments. These appoint were spoken before the formation of this world its nothing can conjure up or make happen without the spiritual world working in it all.

In these appointments, two or more are touched and love takes effect.  It is in love we are found to our core and more layers of stuff comes from us and even healings of many types can or may happen.

We become more of our true selves and in that sense, we give love to our passions which in turn touch others to their core.

We are only vessel being used and yet heal also if we are willing to be that vessel.

The spiritual journey is not a head trip it happens when we take the action needed. We get a chance to change the negative cycles at work in us.

I have two passions and they include writing and baking. I have been asking myself what they have to with each other. The simple answer is love.

Inside each of us I believe is the desire to create but it only works when we trust The One Creator of us all.

One cliché line is that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. In this instance when the pupil is ready, he or she is ready to stop fighting everything, everyone, and even their self.

I am by no means there all the way. But I am dropping each rock of hardness along the way.

Maybe for the first time I can finally concede to the fact that peace of mind is not just a Mary Poppins fairy tale. It is attainable if we work towards and have an open mind and heart.

Love does win.

Yesterday, I celebrated 16 years of continuous sobriety and clean time.

There is no formula; it is just one day at a time. I want to live a real life today. I am finally reaching that goal as I put one foot in front of the other. This is as spiritual as I get.

I hope to meet many more I trudge this road! Let us not give up before the miracle happens.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Making Life Simpler While Taking Action In Self-Care

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Hi Everyone!

I have been busy with many appointments and my day seems to end with me falling asleep in my recliner.

I am so grateful for the recliner my friend gave me. I love my rocker too, but the recliner is my salvation.

Today after some meandering through life and reading and researching ways to keep up with my passions in this journey, I wish to post on making life simpler while participating in self-care.

My self-care is not any cookie cutter version and will not even be like anyone else’s version, except to learn to go by a schedule and attempting more practice in decluttering.

It might be after 3 am in the morning but to be fair I piled myself into the recliner a bit before 4pm and woke up after 11pm. My emotions have been staying erratic and kept me high strung lately.

I find myself even projecting my expectations on others with out realizing it until way after the fact. I want and need to improve on not continuing to do that.

I really do love people deeply and see life as sacred. I want to see everyone healed but I want to heal me, so I can share of how I healed.

This life is so messy and broken. I want to hold myself up and show the world I am all better. I know the partial secret is gratitude. Part of my healing comes as I let the words flow out of me into this writing.

As with any healing though there is always more action to be done. Compliance has been almost like a dirty word in the past, but I am seeing it more of a bridge or pathway to healing now.

I think also it means stop debating things that really have no relevance or do not affect me. If someone wants to say the sun is purple so be it, smile and tell them to have a great day. Let us keep moving on.

Even if things do affect me, I must consider how much time I am willing to give to a conversation, so that it does not zap all my energy and time.

I often whisper to myself to let things go. The reason being to let things in and fester will only have negative results like a rise in my blood pressure. No argument is worth that today.

The other good thing to put into practice for myself is to have a starting time and an ending time on projects. Times can be adjusted but at least for me it is important to have guideline where I can implement one.

I am hoping all of this will help me, so not everything feels so overwhelming.

I also want to eventually start waiting until at least 6 am to get up, instead of so early in the morning as I have done for some time now.

The other result to hopefully happen is to start scheduling exercise instead of, just fitting it in my day.

I want quality time in everything I do today. I also know it will not happen overnight. However, just being willing to make some changes cannot hurt.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

I Am Dramatic, Wheres The Fainting Couch?

/ boxcarmike

dramatic tattooed male sitting at piano

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone!

I have been reading other people’s writings and announcements. I am becoming freer, while tethered to a PICC line.

The mind is powerful, and life is overwhelming these days. My keyword today would be trauma.

I have been sharing with anyone who will listen that 2020 has surely brought trauma to everyone’s household. The fact of so many different things taking place, restrictions, divorces, illness, deaths, medical procedures, loss of income, loss of jobs, and homes.

In the past twenty-four hours, I have been enlightened to the fact yes, I am dramatic. I love and hate that about myself. It is a real tug of war for me.

When I tell my story, it is of both wounds and victory in some cases. I admit a lot is from a place of wounds and trying to be okay. It is how I process and maybe I always have processed that way.

The biggest freedom in all of it is the realization that I have been trying to apologize for being dramatic when maybe it is the most normal thing for me to do.

I was reminded this is the stuff I drank over before. Let me just say this, a handle of southern comfort or rum and cokes, could not even touch what 2020 has brought with it. (There has been good too).

I have more than one nurse now affirm that my body is reacting as it is in trauma. I believe I have been in denial over that fact. I am finally free of feeling the need to apologize.

I do have reason to be dramatic. I just need to find a healthy way to funnel the dramatic feelings. I also need to trust those in my tribe to tell me if they see me slipping.

Being the dramatic person, I am, a few weeks ago while going through fear one of the hardest things to admit, was that I needed help.

I never knew how hard it was to admit I needed help with a simple task of washing my hair. Getting my back rubbed with cream was another thing I had to ask for help with.

Being that vulnerable is not my thing. I think I was 15 years old when my mom came in and rubbed me down with apple cider vinegar for sunburn.

Life is messy. I was never one to color inside the lines either. I usually did not see the lines.

I am reminded that courage is to walk through the mess, even afraid.

I have no idea how it all will unfold. I do not know how all the pieces will connect. What I do know is I am putting one foot in front of the other until I cannot. I am asking God for help.

I must tell myself it is going to be okay and sometimes I ask others to just please tell me that. But there is one person, she always tells me you are going to get through this. (there may be more than one person who does tell me that).

We all will get through this stuff.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts and Living Sober In The New Normal

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train personnel standing beside train

Photo by Mateusz Turbiu0144ski on Pexels.com

Hi Everybody!

Its good to be back to write again. I do not know if I can keep up writing consistently, but I will keep trying.

I am just going to share how I feel and the progress so far medically. I am not sure how much progress, but I will share all I can.

I guess really this new normal is still hard to adjust to. I think all of us are going through emotions from the fall out of it all.

I did spend some time in the parking lot tonight of our complex because I needed out of my four walls. I talked to God during that time and told Him how I feel and I how I knew I needed to do better, while also asking Him to let me stay longer I wasn’t done experiencing life on this earth.

No, I am not dying anymore than most people are dying. I know that I have an irrational fear of dying so I call myself on it as much as I can.

One of the things I asked God to help me with was exactly watching what I say more. Because I do throw out that I am done with this life a lot, when things are not going my way.

Its one of the ways I have coped to make everything so dramatic and it causes me a lot more harm. It no longer serves me it just keeps everything in a fear base.

I also realize today a lot of this spells out self-pity. I want to be done with self -pity and treat those in my life better. They have been my help and guide me to comfort.

I want to be the encourager God created me to be.

I mentioned in my last post about having a tribe. I do have a huge tribe. Yet only a few know me. Everyone has given me so much and a big part of that is they gave themselves to me and I need to do the same in reciprocation

The other side of that coin is we all hide from each other during our challenges. We want to appear to have it all together.

The bottom line is I want to better honor my family and friends.

Its still about keeping my side of the street clean. My side is junky right now. But again, my life is turned upside down with this PICC Line in my arm.

I will say I have learned to rearrange furniture with one arm. Okay I cheated a couple times too and so far, lucky I have not damaged PICC Line.

My apartment is finally really becoming a home. I am so happy about my recliner because its like my own spot I can claim better for meditation and some writing. Its also my Tv chair. I can go to it to escape from my office.

I cannot wait to do some therapy baking and have my home in order to take pics and show off my small piece of heaven here on earth.

I am so thankful for what I have today, and I must let that be the forefront.

Medically, the wounds I have are looking better the skin color is better. I am sleeping a lot because of the medication and the infection both. I have been going through irrational fears as a result of this line in my arm.

I do love all my nurse’s past, present, and one who became my friend. I need to catch up to her. I think they have all become my friend in one sense or another.

Tomorrow I will see the podiatrist a doctor and wound clinic.

Today I will get blood drawn.

Thank you, God, that I do not control the universe! I am too tired.

God Please help us all at whatever level we may be. Thank You God for getting us this far.

This is living clean and sober for me folks!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!