Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

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Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Remembering I am A Spiritual Being Inside Flesh

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Hi Everybody,

Here I am in the first eight days of this new year. This time I may be going a little deep and getting to the root in my spirit, first purposed by God creating me. This is based on my beliefs.

This is all part of my journey because I believe coming into this world with harsh realities and not always having the support and care needed, we become conditioned, destroy our spiritual side.

Now that cannot be my excuse for who I am today. I have learned to take responsibility for my own behaviors that become my self-defeat.

There came a point where I knew life had to be better but somehow could not grasp on to the positive and loving reinforcements of love, care, and nurturing.

I have run so far from me in the things I previously sought out to escape the pain, hurt, and terror.

I bought the bitterness, rage, hate, and destruction because as I believed, it was the only way to defeat the evil that came upon me. I did not always consciously understand that I was being just as damaging to other people, places, and things that came upon me.

I became the tornado in other people’s lives continuing in the vicious cycle of self-affliction, blind and oblivious to the harm and injury I caused. I even called it love, much of the time in believing it was and trying to get others to believe it.

That is not to say it was all blind, in fact, I even had a list of people in my head That deserved the judgment, sentencing, and execution of my wrath upon them. Vengeance was paramount as far as I was concerned.

I kept on drinking the poison hoping the evil people would die.

What I was not comprehending is that all my efforts were killing me. Those other people were going on free as I stayed trapped inside myself and at times taking other hostages with me. The hostages were often innocent bystanders and unintended targets of my wrath.

Oh, the remorse I felt when confronted by my behaviors but often in a state of denial, and outright lying. In most cases, I was only remorseful because it was a negative thing. I had no understanding of the impact of my acting out upon others.

The changes started happening when I realized I could follow directions if it meant saving my own life.

I was in a relationship to have because I did not want to be alone. That relationship was 8-10 years of me waking up every day full of hate and wanting to die. I was incapable of being honest with anyone but mostly lying to myself.

In that relationship it was saying I hate you; I love You; I hate you please do not leave me!

It was a circumstance of convenience, self-preservation, using, abusing, self-indulgent, moments of trying to make a show of love as it became, an act. Mostly it was not comprehending the negative impact I caused upon us both.

It has been years of living amends facing the fact I was a sick alcoholic, and addict desperately searching for love in various kinds of ways. However, I was incapable of loving myself.

Today we are friends, and we get to at least share celebrations and grieve over friends and others who passed away. Life has gone on for both of us. But absolutely cheer each other on.

After bouts of drinking, smoking marijuana, pill-popping, and withdrawal somehow, I am staying clean and sober a little over 17 years. It has been at a slow pace but trudging through with changes. The changes are both great and small. But life-changing.


Each day I decide to either keep or rid myself of behaviors that no longer serve me. Make no mistake, it is a choice even living passively making no choice. That is still a choice that has been hard to comprehend.

Challenges gave come and gone. There are challenges that are still present but becoming smaller.

There are tools to help me today and friends that do encourage and support the positive changes in me. The prayer attributed as The St Francois prayer seems to be the way I wish to live out.

The only thing left now is to make direct amends and continue my living amends.

I want to repair the damage I have done and keep sweeping my side of the street. I want to recognize and acknowledge each day. Your side of the street is none of my business.

I am seeking out that spiritual side that heals the human part of me. This makes it possible to repair part of the damage I have caused. There is damage that is irreversible.

There is still a better life waiting.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

My One Word For The Year 2022

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Free picture (New Year’s Shiny happy new year 2022 background) from https://torange.biz/fx/2022-background-year-new-happy-shiny-212262

Happy New Year!

I am happy to be writing to you after a long silence.

For the past few years instead of doing resolutions I have been picking one word for the year. It has usually been a group of us updating and checking in with each other.

Busy lives and the changes with Covid, I have personally used it as an excuse to not check-in. But now I really want and need those check-ins.

2021, had fallen and rose just as my chest rises and falls. Believe me, I really want to forge ahead but not forgetting my lessons I have learned as well.

I will not keep making promises and breaking them as has been my record in writing and other things. There are circumstances that are beyond my control at present that may limit me from being able to get my entries into my blog.

My solution so far, is that I would be able to do a bunch and upload them at least bi-weekly.

Now that I have detoured from the subject at hand, let me get back to the subject of one word.

Words are powerful and can be life-changing. Words are used to tear down or build up. They can add to beautiful things or take away the beauty. Lives are built on words. In fact, I choose to believe this entire world was created with words. Yet lives have also been destroyed words.

We all get to choose our words and how they might be used. My Mama has said to me, that I may wish to think hard and choose my words wisely. I also get that same advice from others and I have passed it along, myself.

The word I have chosen is “seek”. I hope to really find the truth in what all I do seek.

There are things, I have not had to seek to find the truth. Rather, it was accepted and facing the truth even when painful and other things are just by sheer joy and beauty.

Sometimes the days seem so long, harsh, and seeking out the truth and holding on is all we have.

The advice for all time is we may not like everything we find in hearing or seeing for ourselves. But that is when we find gratitude in just having the experience. Having the experience is life.

I want the good stuff. The good stuff is in the truth I seek. That does not mean there are not ugly truths as well. We can only change what is ugly inside of us and we all have some ugly in us.

We would not be human, otherwise.

Everything is a day at a time. Sometimes it is a heart neat at a time. We breathe in and we breathe out. Sometimes I forget to breathe and then other times I just do it without thinking.

There is so much to try to put in me that I want. There are negative and ugly parts to rid me of, to let more in. I hope to pour more out of me along this journey.

Peace out to all!

Thanks for reading!


This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Journey Of Gratitude Through Many Changes

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Hello Everybody:

It is good to be back at the keyboard in this season of Thanksgiving and to be able to share my gratitude with you.

Though we just celebrated the holiday of Thanksgiving, for me it is an all-year season of giving thanks. Some days seem easier in finding things to give thanks for or finding gratitude. However, every day there is always something to find gratitude for and to give thanks.

While this past year has been a roller coaster filled with dark moments, I did find other things to be grateful for and give thanks in just making it through each day. I will not say every second, I always gave thanks; however, I found through tears and laughter there was life beyond the moment.

The above I wrote several weeks ago. Today I want to add to that as I study through a program of twelve steps and a book written on the experiences of over the first one hundred people and how they found a way out of a hopeless state of mind.

I will tell you I have floundered my way through many years and even this past year through obstacles. I have an illness that was ready to take my very life from me if I let it.

I will start by saying I am grateful for the fact I am alive. There is a solution, there is hope, there’s grace, mercy, and work to do.

I am grateful for a program of action. I am grateful for the closed-mouth friends I have and the journey that has become so spiritual. It has caused me to pause for reflection and to look at the mental and spiritual struggle.

I am grateful for the truth that I can stop multiple behaviors that are not good for my soul if I choose to. I do not have to continue the same patterns over and over, yes at the same time, I have gone right back to them at times.

I am grateful for the awareness today, while I do not always choose the healthy choice. I have chosen better choices at times and other times not so great.

The awareness being that food has always been a drug of choice just as much my alcoholism was a drug of choice. Anything to not feel the way I felt or feel at times. I finally got the freedom to say I ate my feelings and emotions.

I must admit I did not know food would lead me down the same path as my alcoholism had. I am making changes and striving to stick with them.

The most perplexing part of this deal is you cannot just abstain from all food like you can alcohol or other substances.

In my own journey, I have found even other things I want more of because it is a soul sickness.

The healing is an inside job that will hopefully make outside changes as I get better. Some changes have shown outwardly. The realization is always coming to the point of I cannot do this alone.

It is only scratching the surface. It is heading in the right direction if I make the choice each day to do so. I can achieve living my best life. It will take more work, but I am grateful I do not have to die today. I want more of life and to help spread life to others.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Sowing And Reaping Our Harvest With Thanksgiving

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Hi Everybody!

I am here because I started out the past few times wanting to go into the thanksgiving or gratitude season. It seems always there was another topic trumping that in the spirit of my writing. Here we are finally.

I have thought so much about this over the past couple of months. I need to concentrate on the positive and always find gratitude during all circumstances. That is not always easy. I fail much of the time. But that is when I pray and talk to others to get myself rightly adjusted again.

I know that each year I am harvesting whatever I have sown in my life I reap the good and the bad both. While it is apparent, I am a slow learner as I think in everything there is a lesson to learn and take away.

I have learned in the past year about what it means to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have learned that I must ask for the right kind of help. I am learning more about being initiative-taking in caring for myself.

I have grieved over a bunch of bad choices. I had to reap what I sowed. It has not always been great or always finding myself on a spiritual mountain top. In fact, I thought it was the beginning of losing my faith and hope. I found out this was the result of losing my faith and hope.

I am blessed in the face of it all. In my journey, God always seems to supply faith and hope. It has been through other people that are placed in my life.

One of the important things I have learned is in communicating with others to be more informative and a little more specific. Today I am honored to be trusted with others’ words. Together we find a solution or work towards finding one.

Today I have people who help me in the right ways and not just what I may want.

I am grateful for both the tears and the laughter. I am grateful for the lessons and that I still have a long way to go. It means I have a lot of living left to do. It means I get to help others even just listening. I get to identify with others and relate to them.

I am grateful I get to recover from my soul sickness. It is like a roller coaster. When I am unable to tell myself to stop there is God and others to help me. It truly is a journey sometimes is wild.

It is my connection with God and others that make this journey rewarding and special. I want a grateful heart, always looking for the good in everyone and everything. This is when you know the joy of life.

I am grateful for the harvest of this year despite the loss and scares. God is here.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Having Clarity And Living Life On Purpose

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Hi Everybody,

Every day is the opportunity for gratitude and giving thanks for thanks for our very lives.

I am not perfect, I screw up. The difference is I get to go back and make things right to the best of my ability. I get that opportunity with every breath of life in me.

The hope is that I will take more pauses, before doing something I must correct. My hope is that I will use love and tolerance as a way of life. I do want a brand new me inside out. Often, this does seem impossible.

I want to see, feel, and experience the beauty in life again. I get the opportunity to pack in the stream of life today whatever contribution I can do and not just be a taker.

Sometimes to really live it you must keep taking those pauses, question yourself longer, make mistakes, or even totally do it wrong. That is until you admit it does not feel good to keep doing wrong.

My way does not work. My way keeps me isolated from those I love and inside my own head alone. The suggestions of another way of what one hundred people took long ago frees me if I choose to take those same suggestions. They are a choice to make each day.

I was told early on the suggestions boil down to is trust God. clean house and help others. Ask God for help each morning and thanking God each night.

I will say to truly live it does not mean just mouthing words or becoming a parrot. I personally tried every wrong way there is to do. I have been told if I ask God to help me direct my thinking, I might have a chance at not being sucked into the bitter morass of self-pity.

It takes work and consistency. I must be honest; work and consistency are not my strong suits. I get better the more I practice it in living this life.

The work and consistency come from having a routine and taking suggestions offered. My way does not work. It never worked. My way has just been a coping mechanism.

I have wanted to reap the benefits of feeling safe and secure without doing the work. I am an impatient person. When someone says it takes more than two weeks, it can cut deep, because then I know that someone has my number.

It sucks to get called out on the very things I do. It will go a lot easier if I cop to it right from jump. Doing the work for me means being vulnerable. Left to my own devices I will destroy myself. That is why I need the tools and to do the work.

Every time I refuse the routine, I am refusing the work and it is just now clicking.

This has been a piece I have been working on for a week thinking it would only take an hour to finish edit and post.

I have been living out this blog post entry by both doing some work and refusing to do the work. It does not stop there. I have stuffed emotions and cried bitter tears. It is seeing how far sickness dwells in myself.

Not every bit of work we do makes us feel better. We must swallow the bitter pill and then become free; of the harm we do after we have taken the solution which are the steps in trusting the process.

Every step is a choice we make. We are either stepping into freedom or away from freedom.

In every situation there is my reasoning and motivation to judge. It is suggested, I have another help study those two things with me to keep me honest. This is how I get to live in my own skin today.

Once I am honest, I can take it to God and be free of the wrong motives and be helpful to another human being. Finally packing back into the stream of life.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

A Self Check With God-Consciousness Contact

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Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

Hello Everybody,

I have been discussing with some in my circle about the need for me to change. I am not the best at taking direction. I hate phones in general especially with our modern technology that brings on dropped calls.

Let us move on past the phones. Once, I am in my groove people are okay but the hard shell of me does dislike people in general. I want to do things on my own. However, there is this connection to God I have and to survive in this world it takes each other.

By nature, God-given we are social creatures and have a need for human contact. This is where life does get messy.

What I realize is today is that I cannot do this life alone. No one is an island unto himself. As the cliché goes.

I need My God and the people around me. I need the Holy Spirit to move on my behalf as God sees fit. I need the program of action and not just a program of great ideas and thinking. That just gets me into a bunch of lists and no results.

It was only a few-short weeks ago I was asking God to grant me more time to straighten out and make some changes. I am still doing what I can to make changes. I told God I was not ready to go yet and carrying on like it was my last day.

Thank goodness for Gods Mercy and Grace that is all that I am here by. Because left to my own devices and left alone, the diagnosis would be my sentence to death. Other people have stepped in, and some by my asking, some because they were already in place and have stuck by my me and the journey I am on.

I have been spending a great deal of time both on my recovery and dealing with struggles and some of the junk I have done has no place in my life. But here it is, I am dealing with it. Sometimes playing with it like, fire.

My day must start with asking God for help otherwise, I am a complete mess and failure is a certainty. I must check in with people and be accountable. I must share my experience to gain strength so that I have hope for tomorrow and give that to someone else along the way.

My day must end with questions of my actions for the day and thanking God at night for another day. I admit I fail miserably sometimes. This is how the insanity comes in.

I never knew how close to eating and my drinking history were to each other regarding my recovery. There are even a few more elements included, but more will be revealed as I gain strength in those areas.

Some things are simply better said in private with those I am accountable to.

If this is the first time reading to get more background you must go back and read about my hospitalizations and the diagnosis of osteomyelitis found in the past two or three blog post entries.

My mama, my brother, high school friends, closed mouth friends, my tribe, and more including you readers are my biggest support.

I do practice the twelve-step way of recovery in my life, and as a spiritual basis based on my belief system.

I am changing the way I am eating. Sometimes what I am finding is that it is so close to my drinking history, that I have woke up from drunk dreams to think I have really gone out and drank.

I want to close with this part, saying my family I completely let go off the hook, for the problems that have been in my life. I ended up in their lives already defective, by the insanity I was born into.

No one warned them, they had no clue as to what they were in for, or how to be prepared. I affected each member of my family in a way usually lying, stealing, not being nice, angry would be key here.

I am 55 years old just realizing more so of my insanity in the early years. My family is my bonus family. I love them with all my heart, and I cannot change what I have done. I can only move forward and do my best to make amends and hope for the best.

I am doing my best to be the change today. The H.O.W. (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness).  I am not giving up.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Doing The Medicine Deal To Get Better

/ boxcarmike / Leave a comment
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Hey Y’all,

I am here up late behind the keyboard ready to share more along my journey.

I am up late because I had to get in medicine. As I have shared before I have a PICC-Line in my arm, and it carries the antibiotics through my veins in the blood supply to fight the infection. I also take an oral antibiotic to assist in this process.

What I have not shared is, while I was in the hospital, I have the diagnosis through an x-ray showing of Osteomyelitis. This was the scariest news because it means an infection in the bone. I did not deal with this news very well I just wanted to come home and hide. It took me a while to share this with family even and not even all family but those that deal with me, anyway.

One of the options my Nurse Practitioner was looking at was oxygen therapy in a chamber or tube, for 3 hours a day 5 days a week for 30 weeks. I was very fearful even considering this option and in a weeks’ time skin has begun to grow around the bone isolating it enough to fight the infection. Thankfully, we do not have to consider the oxygen chamber as an option now.

So, we are back to Home Nurse Visits and weekly appointments at the wound clinic to check in for progress while I have my dressings changed there. The other wounds are healing incredibly!

I also must be careful because the bone is brittle, and I could easily break my foot carelessly.

I do believe God is at the center of all of it. It has been the prayers and help of friends and family. Even medicines and food to aid in this healing process. I have so much love and gratitude. God has this regardless of how I may have responded.

In this next twenty-four hours I really want to face me and God together. When I first heard the diagnosis Osteomyelitis, I could not say it because I did not want to face the truth. It was a just easier to say a serious infection.

In my journey of recovery, I have found it difficult to keep talking, to keep sharing, to keep on taking an inventory of my behavior, and to keep from omitting the truth which is just another way of lying. I am doing my best to change, and I do fall short.

I have made a resolve to enjoy my apartment once again. I want to see about hanging pictures even, finally just to show decoration and hope to have embarked upon that this week.

I do have my home health helper back to help with cleaning, cooking, laundry shopping and retrieving my medicine. I am so grateful for this help, and I want to continue my tradition of remembering gratitude or giving thanks for so much in this season of Fall.

I should have updated a couple of people before I even post this. Your love and support mean so much!

As a side note, I am becoming willing to change my eating habits and try Keto. I am doing what I can to learn about it. One of my friends is teaching me there are foods out there called Keto friendly, and it is not true.

I am thankful for all of you. I invite you to stay tuned as I hope to update this blog more. With that I will now close.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Life Turned Upside Down Sideways Inside Out

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hey Y’all 

Here I am finally writing now a week or two home from the hospital.

I am sure people are wondering what is going and specifically I will not say yet. The PICC Line is in once again fighting an infection, a serious one at that. Fear has been a part of this deal because it is that scary and hard to come to within ways that could be life-changing. For days, my lie by omission was easier than facing the truth.

Facing the truth meant I had to speak the truth. It meant speaking it to those who have been in a spot to help me manage me.

Fear gripped me to the point of not being able to sleep and still I regress back to that since even believing God has this. I fall apart and ask for help from God and others. I needed to remember what the truth is and even stuff just lost in the mix of events.

No, I am not dying any faster than anyone else who woke up today. I am hoping that these dang antibiotics and lifestyle changes such as diet will help even more in reversing the order of things.

Yup, I cry at the drop of a hat even more so these days. I am dealing with anger and self-pity at times. No one likes to admit to these things. I take more medication now than when I was self-diagnosed and self-medicated.

Coming home has been an adjustment that has not been easy for me, caregivers, and even just friends. They take my blood at least once a week.

Friday, I met with my primary FNP (Family Nurse Practitioner), and he is happy with the fact I am trying to stay on top of appointments and medications. To be clear I have not been one for hospitals and doctors. All though I have had to for disability and other problems.

What is the real story? What is my part in it? How do I help myself? How do I help those trying to help me?

Well, I got to take a break and do my antibiotics and rest while waiting for the nurse to call. I hope to finish this blog entry, edit it, and publish it today.

I still struggle with getting a routine down because everything seems to change daily.

One thing I do have to share is that Friday when the nurse checked the PICC-Line, there was no blood return. Today, she drew blood for labs from the PICC-Line and both concluded it was God.

Every PICC-Line I have had we have never been able to continue getting blood, it was amazing when it worked today. I was also happy as she did not have to stick me. She was prepared just in case she had to a butterfly.

I am ready to be in a season of thankfulness, peacefulness, and full of hope. I am looking forward to sharing changes for the positive and changes bringing on healing in body mind and spirit.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Here We Go Again Another Round At The ER

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He Y’all I am up late tonight behind the keyboard once more.

My heart is heavy and have some concerns as I must get up in the morning and head to the emergency room at the hospital. Today I got a call late from the wound clinic that the Nurse Practitioner wants me to go to the emergency room to have my feet checked out. They are not evidently and or going in the right direction of healing.

I have several good things on my side though. I have a praying Mama and Grandma. I also have several friends praying and most people I miss terribly. But I have never felt so cared for by so many people. I have a good friend willing to take me to the hospital.

I promised my Mama I could go back to sleep, and I am exhausted even though I did sleep all evening. I had my friendly helper fry up some hamburger and all I had to do was put it together with cheese, chips, sour cream, and guacamole for some simple nachos.

However, I had to stop and ask her to finish it because I got weak all the sudden. I should have sat down to do it in hindsight. I got about a 1/4 of it down and I am taking bites of some more of it as I write this entry. But once I ate, I knew I had to lay down and I am blaming most of it on not sleeping well the night before.

I had overslept and the nurse said she had come by to change my dressings. I never heard or call or knock on the door /ring the bell. Thankfully I woke up before a great panic set in to call my friend who has a key to my apartment and the whole thing start with calling my mom. I called the nurse, and she came back by 1:30pm.

When she started unwrapping my legs and feet, I had pain. There is a calloused part starting to look like it could open into a wound. This is not a good thing as I just got off the IV antibiotics through the PICC Line I had in my arm through my rehab and all.

Also, the night before I started throwing up. I had chalked it up to some food not agreeing with me. However, I also know this could have been a sign and I just thought of it now. So, one more thing I must tell the doctors in the morning.

The blood tests they did which is routine was some highs and some lows and I never can figure it all out, but I was doing better when I was on my protein shakes for sure.

I am trying to get all of this out of my head so I can stop worrying.

When I finally did call my Mama, I admitted I was afraid about even going to the hospital and did not want to go, but we both know I must. She prayed for the fear to go, and I prayed for her to have supernatural rest and that her husband be healed of his ailments and that God will heal my Mama in ways that He knows she needs to be healed.

My living room/office is clean and mostly decluttered. I will not get to enjoy it so much tomorrow. It makes me sad we got it clean for me just to leave for the hospital. At least it will be clean when I come home.

I am leaving between 9:30 and 10:00 am to head to the hospital. Now to make a list for in the morning of things I want to take including a list of my medications and all.

I am going to try to take a short walk. I want to enjoy the midnight air. So maybe just on this short sidewalk in front of my apartment. I will have my phone with me.

I will get back to sleep and wake in the morning. Oh, also I need to call my therapist so he knows everything going on and maybe I will talk to him just shortly before this whole ball starts rolling tomorrow.

I have some tears and it is okay as I do have a lot to cry over and a lot to be grateful for both. I guess my prayer is that Jesus takes the wheel and bring me back whole somehow. This is a hard walk. I wish I could hug everyone. I am sure you think I am just being dramatic, but it is scary, and I love every one of you. God Bless you and keep you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blogpost entry b Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!