Confrontation

I Have Fought My Unbelief To Believe Him

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July 1st, 2023 Elephant Rocks State Park Belleview Missouri

Hey Y’all!

It has been a while since I have been active in blogging. I have been fighting infections with the help of doctors, nurse practitioner, and nurses. My driver has also been instrumental in helping me as well. My mama, grandma, and lots of people have been praying as well. I have learned a lot about myself and my faith in these recent events.

Following directions, having faith, and doing the best I can to be compliant is important during these times especially when seeking healing. I think of the following scripture: Mark 9;24 ESV 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” I have found it important for me to listen to faith-filled podcasts with scriptures speaking about faith and healing. During my first full night of praying and listening I felt a physical change happen as I asked for healing. I was in fear of facing amputation and it did so happen that amputation thus far has been avoided.

It has been challenging to check my attitude at the door. It is important even more so to forgive others and let go of resentments. It can be a battle of my will against faith and belief in healing. Anger can turn toxic and cause me harm. It works against healing. It is a scientific fact that anger and resentment are poison to us. I find myself talking to myself saying let it go. It feels like I am saying let it go constantly and I am resentful for the fact that I am the one having to let it go all the time.

However, I am also the one asking for forgiveness all the time as well. Change is constant for me to grow. Here is the other part. There is a scripture that states the following: James 4:1-3 ESV.

4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions[a] are at war within you?[b] 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Some translations just say you have not because ask not, however, I love this translation because it gets to the root of mankind holding on always wanting more.

When I do my self-inventory, it does come down to at least thinking someone else has a bigger portion or a better portion. The reality is we do not know what someone else has had to walk through or go through to get their portion, who knows maybe that is their final portion upon this earth.

I still have a lot of steps to go through in this healing. Sometimes the healing is already there, and it is about making the most of what we have and letting go of the toxicity.  This reveals the gift we already have. I want healing and a clean slate. I do not wish to hang on to anger and forgiveness.

The walk to healing means work but the healing itself is a gift.

This brings me to the point of gratitude.

I am convinced that being grateful is just as important as breathing. Without gratitude, we cease to exist. We have no faith without gratitude. We also have no faith without gratitude. Finding one thing to be grateful for grows our faith which is important in healing.

Perhaps at the end of the day, it comes down to letting go in general to finding we have had more all along.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Letting Go Of What Weighs You Down

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My Plants June 2023

Hey, Y’all!

Today I want to share about how we can create the life we want to live. If we want something, we must work for it. We must let go of negative thoughts that weigh us down so that we can build meaningful lives. We build a bedrock for us to live life on purpose.

We begin by choosing what we want, instead of drifting along hoping something good falls in our laps.

I am taking stock of my own life as I write this blog post entry.

Stopping the behaviors that no longer serve us frees us that much more. Letting go of resentments and bitterness. Yes, even jealousy and envy of others who have made their lives doing exactly what they want. Instead of being jealous, we can see them shining a light on our pathway instead.

We can make our dreams a reality if we do the work needed.

We take the necessary actions regardless of how we feel. Our feelings and moods cannot make our dreams come true. Being honest with ourselves about our feelings, moods, and resentments is the practice of self-awareness.

If we write it all out and make a conscious choice, to let go and forgive what has been done to us. Admit what we have done to others and ask for forgiveness. None of us are innocent by word, thought, and deed.

We get out of all the negative and start working on the positive such as having something we can be grateful for.

Exercise is also important no matter how much we get our body moving and stop being a lump in our bed.

No matter where we are presently, we can say to ourselves, “Things will not always be this way.” I can tell you my life has gotten different since learning to say this and learning to take direction from others.

The next thing I am presently learning along with placing boundaries for self-preservation is, “Happy people do things that make them happy.”

I want to be happy and dream big without letting life just slide past me.

Doing the smallest thing to make ourselves feel better. Making our lives simpler is also key. Getting rid of the clutter in our minds and home helps us be able to build brick by brick.

Sister Theresa first said, “Do it anyway.”

A lot of us have had lives built on fear, at least previously. Broken, messy, stuck, and alone.

It is by acting on changing our lives just even by changing our thoughts to positive thoughts and to be encouraging to others and ourselves. I desire to live a real and happy life.

In the picture above are my two plants, the one on the left is a Mammoth Jalapeno Pepper Plant, and the one on the right is a Beef Steak Tomato Plant. A friend started these for me. It is now my job to enjoy these plants and help them grow by nurturing them and watering them.

They are thriving. And so it is with my own life, my job to grow and nurture the good life within me so I can thrive.

I can be the future me by doing simple things.

10 Reasons why I want this for me:

  1. I want to be happy.
  2. I desire a change for more positivity.
  3. I love me.
  4. I want to light the path for others as we walk each other home.
  5. I want a legacy.
  6. It is worth it. Because I am worth it.
  7. Proof that change is possible.
  8. I want to grow and thrive by the choices I make.
  9. I do not want to be stuck.
  10. I believe God will help me do better.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (ESV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Relaxing After An Insane Spring Cleaning Purge

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Photo by Skyler Ewing on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is great to be writing to you all again. What I write is mostly about myself. I invite you along for the ride in hopes my experience may be of help in either doing or refraining from doing. I do not have a degree in any subject. All I have is my experience, strength, and hope.

I have stayed so busy purging and spring cleaning and doing what I could to pass an inspection of my place. I was living in fear of failing because of my standards and projecting them onto the task at hand. I passed the inspection with flying colors.

At the end of the day, I just crawled up in a ball on my bed and cried. I was busy living in fear over everything my health, my sanctuary, the rules where I live, and much more. I learned a lot about myself, and I am still learning more. There is so much more to me than my shell, thoughts, and feelings.

My spirit inside is trying to emerge while I take on battles. A lot of the battles I am fighting are of my own making. It is important to take responsibility for myself today. It is a never-ending battle when you believe and refuse to lay the battle down. It is because of allowing dark thoughts to come in and not taking those thoughts down instead.

You can fool yourself into thinking you are doing the work to care for yourself while you are just going through the motions. There is a tug-of-war that goes on when you are determined to get real. Every spear of darkness comes at you when you are ready for a breakthrough. It becomes a battlefield of the mind. I was foolish to let the thoughts come at me.

I realized the two strongest points for darkness to come at me are before I sleep and when I am still waking up for the day. As I cried the night after winning the passing inspection, I went to sleep off and on as I listened to a new podcast. I got good rest, but I needed more rest and still need more rest.

I am just now writing once more, as I struggle to finish this with the midnight oil on Friday at 11:30 pm.

The two points where I feel bombarded in my thoughts are when I am preparing for sleep and waking up for the day. I will tell you the reason I cried because it was a hard fight to finish the project cleaning and being ready for the inspection. I was fighting myself more than anyone because of the thoughts and wanting it to be perfect.

Now how is it to be ready for the arrows of darkness that come into my thoughts? It is the constant self-inventory making sure my side of the street is clean. Prayer and meditation. It is trying to stay in a place of gratitude and say the prayer of God help me! When negative emotions come in this prayer works when I mean it!

I am ready to move past my craziness of wanting perfection and relax some more.

I feel as though more breakthroughs are brewing. This is not just a one-time lesson or the only lesson. There is more coming soon.

Matthew 11:28-30 ESV

28 pCome to qme, all who labor and are rheavy laden, and I will give  you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and slearn from me, for I am       tgentle and lowly in heart, and uyou will find rest for your souls. 30      For vmy yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Doing All I Can To Keep Busy

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Photo by Josh Sorenson on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I hope this finds you well. I am staying busy with doctors’ appointments as usual and spring cleaning. Yes, it is that time of year! I can see the light ahead. I will accomplish more purging and cleaning. Keeping busy helps my mind not wander too far out.

In my last blog post entry, I mentioned having health concerns and I am being able to have those treated at home and in the wound clinic. I am grateful that this is how we are proceeding thus far.

I do believe sometimes; a little scare can keep me motivated and steady the course. I do want to live my best life and be the best version of myself I can be.

I am finding I cannot do everything overnight and changes are being made a little at a time. I take my inventory constantly. You know sometimes I will say, “Eyes on your paper.” I often say this to myself especially when I am disregarding my backyard.

I am trying to live out my word consistency. As much as I want consistency in my life, it is far from being consistent. I am slowly realizing how important it is to at least make a few things consistent. I know that by finding gratitude for a few things; being consistent in a few things I can grow more consistent.

It is imperative to take care of my health. This includes getting the sleep I need and taking my medicine at the same time as directed daily. It also means eating balanced meals at the same time. I also need my sleep to be at the same time. I have the medicine down it is the rest of the things as well as keeping physically active. Simple walking and exercising.

I am being more religious with my lymphedema pumps. especially during this spring cleaning. I care more about myself today than I ever have in my life.

I do want that feeling of being in love with life. I am willing to keep working at doing what is needed to achieve just that.

Today as I write, I am listening to all the songs from my younger years, and it feels nostalgic. I am refusing to allow myself to get all down in the mulligrubs. If I let my mind go too far it can go, there. This is where I can take all my thoughts captive.

There is a lot I do miss from my younger years. I wish could go back to that man and tell him some truths as well as a few funny stories. The biggest thing is, I would make sure he knew he was worth loving and that things would not always be this way.

It has been two weeks since the previous paragraph was written. I waited for labs and tests and fears of being hospitalized again as I am fighting another infection. I have had to deal with the normal schedule and fit in time for extras, which has taken me away from writing.

Fortunately, normal wound care and oral medication are working. I believe prayer and faith have been of utmost importance for healing and protection. Despite my many faults, God hears my prayers and is moved with forgiveness for me. I am hearing a lot about Psalm 91.

I hope to write more about Psalm 91 soon. It has been a part of my journey in the past. However, it was conveniently put on the back burner until this week. More to come soon!

Psalm 91:14-16 ESV

14“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
    I will protect him, because he knows my name.
15 When he calls to me, I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Repeating Some Of The Same Things Over Again

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Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

It is good to be writing once more.

I have been awake since 3:03 a.m. I fell asleep praying to God. It did take a while to fall asleep, but I felt defeated.

I am having my coffee and trying to write something of a positive nature in the negative I feel inside myself. It is like that moment when you go to pay for something, and your checking account reads insufficient funds. I did not know I would be in the negative when I woke up yesterday.

A string of the same emotions as before in my life when everything looked negative. This is when I needed my people the most. However, in this round of events I am trying to show I do have more strength and courage than before. One friend told me he thought I could handle it.

I do believe I can handle it. My friend is such an important part of helping me recognize the tools I have to cope with life’s struggles. I think we sometimes repeat things because we are being tested on things we forgot or hid from ourselves conveniently. Sometimes the same arrow is thrown in our direction because it is time to battle.

As I write this, I am battling negative thoughts and fears. I am also recognizing the things I have been learning are leading up to this moment in time. The way I am taking control is not falling apart due to fear. Is it not interesting I have been on this course of taking control? Maybe I need to hear someone’s woes besides my own.

I am still kind of in limbo about everything and waiting to hear what is going to exactly happen. I am preparing myself for events to come. Even though some news has been disclosed; I am not ready to disclose it to the whole world. I also want quiet the fears by not allowing them power over me.

The mind runs rampant while facts are yet to be fully seen. Self-examination is a must when preparing for battle. I must be prepared for the fact that things may not be comfortable and some decisions are mine to make while others are not mine to make. I am getting ready to do the best I can ever do in facing myself and other things. Those things are hopefully something that will not break me. As they say, more will be revealed.

I do want to live my best life ever. Some days are hard and I say to myself, “I did not know it was going to be this hard to live with some of the choices I made today and even previously.” All of our choices previous and present have led us to this moment in time. Whatever that looks like.

The two most important things I am still learning:

  • You are always one decision from a different life.
  • We are all walking each other home.

Life is still the sum of our choices however I do believe God can change things. I think sometimes we are forced into a waiting period so we can be humble and realize that we are just a small part of this world. This is true even when it seems big things are happening to us.

Better days are coming. More news to follow soon.

1 Corinthians 13:13 (ESV)

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

I am A Perfectionist While Exhausted And Overwhelmed

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Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I want to share something with you all, that maybe you can identify with.

I am a perfectionist in at least planning. The execution of a task can be somewhat of a letdown in the end especially if I am exhausted. I then end up redoing the task and reordering the steps in how it is completed until it is perfect in my eyes.

I get distressed and procrastinate until I am groggy and just avoid a project altogether. This is often true even in my writing and blog post entries. I then busy myself and allow myself on autopilot while allowing depression to run rampant. It becomes a new vicious cycle.

I then worry because I have avoided and procrastinated by trying to plan the perfect execution. I become overwhelmed and sad. When I am finally fed up and decide to just do the action needed, I find the original task has now snowballed and becomes an impossible elephant to remove from the room.

The next thing I know, nothing ever gets done!

Have you ever been here? Can you relate to this? Do you have unrealistic expectations? What about when others come into help, do you have unrealistic expectations of them?

I know I do. I can see it more clearly now.

I believe that this has been pointed out to me my whole life!

However, you never hear until you hear. This kind of thing came up in the training program that I am currently finishing up. One more thing I have procrastinated on. However, it was not clearly defined for me to see crystal clear until my men’s group message for this week.

If you read the previous blog post entry I shared the phrase about being only one decision away from a different life. Make no mistake, it is still a process. I say this as I am presently writing in the wee hours of the morning once more.

I must take responsibility for my decisions. What does this mean?

It means later today if I feel crabby, I must realize I am tired because I chose to be up in the wee hours. I chose to be up earlier on Tuesday when I became too tired and was filled with worry and anxiety. A byproduct of my overthinking.

Choices become one bad choice after another, thinking I will catch up. It is a vicious cycle at work within me. It now sends my head spinning and doing the same thing over expecting different results. Insanity is what it is.

What must I do?

Stop!

Stop the insanity! This is where my men’s group came to the rescue in the message given.

Philippians 4:6 (ESV) 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

  1. Stop Worrying!
  2. Pray and ask for help (guidance, peace, direction, and clarity).
  3.  We take action by prioritizing the first 3 things and doing them. It does not take overthinking. Overthinking only leads to destruction and straying stuck.
  4. Repeat the previous steps
  5. You can only do what you can in a day.
  6. Thank God for what you have completed and do these steps the following day with gratitude, prayer, and exercise. You will find (as I am told) a successful day.

I do not know about you. I am tired of finding myself stuck and spinning in my day.

I hope this encourages and gives you as much hope as I feel at this moment.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

.

One Decision Away From A Different Life

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Photo by emre keshavarz on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all

It has been a little bit again since I last posted anything.

We are now on May 1st, 2023. This means we have completed one quarter of the year 2023. The last four months are gone. We cannot get months, nor any day of those months back!

All we can do is start from where we are right here, and now.

I realized over the weekend I needed to restart once more. Here I am doing what I can to reframe how I hope to take more serious my writing, emotional, and physical well-being.

What if I told you each of us is just one decision away from a different life?

Thank goodness we have today to turn things around. It can only be today. The reason is, all we have is this twenty-four-hour period or what is left of it anyway. I have decided, I must follow through with consistency.

I must reframe how this is to be done by acting on my decision.

I have bombed out at being consistent since the beginning. I must accept the fact I have done the best I could in this last quarter. Today is the day to decide and do better.

I did not even realize until this moment that I cannot succeed at something unless I practice the art of mindful self-compassion.

One of the ways I do that is by giving myself the loving talk and positive reinforcement by saying to myself, “I love you and I am proud of you for showing up today.” I need to say this is my second time saying it to myself and meaning it.

The old me would say something along the lines of it being a bunch of horse hockey and that it will never work. Do not knock it until you try it.

Oh, how I would cringe before to have to say that to myself! You would have thought I was cussing myself out. I want this change badly and it is not for the faint-hearted.

It did take me practice. Today it took deciding that I want a different life. This is only the beginning of a different life. Reframing the way, I look at things. Starting honestly right from zero in most aspects. That is not to say there have not been two decades or more of years of therapy.

I want to have the capacity to give more to myself and others.

Making the changes will naturally add to my gratitude which in turn gives me a boost in my day.

I was asked if I wanted to make changes and learn mindful self-compassion just this last weekend. I eventually said that I would like to try to learn how.

This syncs with other training I am in the middle of doing. Life is precious and so is time. All we have is today folks!

I have a good friend and others too. They tell me and I used to need to hear it a lot, “Things will not always be this way.”  They were right!

As friends, we always remind each other of the truths we find along the journey.

I said another thing over the weekend. I said, “I want the religious spiritual part I used to feel back.” I felt it as I was writing this entry. Writing can be spiritual for me. In writing is healing. Healing brings restoration.

The song going through my head as I wrote this was an old hymn “I Have Decided.” Only the version mostly how Amy Grant sang it because it is true for me.

“I have decided being good is just a fable. I just can’t cuz I am not able…/”

On my own I cannot be good I need God’s help.

We are one decision away from a different life!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Taking Control Starts With The First Step

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Front of my Workbook.2023 With Mel Robbins

Hey, Y’all!

Taking control begins with the first step!

I woke up early this morning. I was excited because I woke up early on a Saturday.

I changed the choice of my morning coffee I was given some Duncan Donuts Iced Coffee bottles. So I had one of those with two doughnuts.

I thought about accomplishments for this week and things I was supposed to do but missed out on as well.

One thing, in particular, was missing out on a meeting I was supposed to call into but slept through because I was too tired because of wasted energy on being angry. I was too concentrated on just appeasing another person meanwhile anger festering inside.

I will tell you I did confront that situation the next day and I did so in the right way. It brought positive results. I was able to navigate and come to an agreement with the person.

The mind gets weary with wasted energy and shortens our life much more so. I am not willing to waste my energy on things that make me angry. Sometimes we must take a break and do some baking.

I was able to have my apartment to myself long enough to boil some chicken and shred it off the bone. I wanted to try making this Chicken Casserole recipe. I was very pleased with how it turned out.

I did take three different recipes and came up with my own. I also used the casserole to use in my confronting conversation. Sometimes conversations go better with comfort food.

Boxcar Mike’s Chicken Casserole:

Preheat oven to 350 °

I boiled 4 Frozen Chicken Quarters until done.

Shredded the Chicken after letting it rest for 15 minutes.

Spray a 9×13 glass pan with nonstick spray.

I Opened 2 cans of Cream of Chicken and spread them evenly in the pan.

I mixed the chicken with 1 can of cream of mushroom soup.

I opened 1 large can of my mixed veggies which included lima beans, potatoes, carrots, a few green beans, corn, celery, and lots of pearl onions.

I opened a regular 15 oz can of cut green beans and added 3 dips of the chicken broth I made from boiling the chicken probably adding up to 1 1/2 cups of broth.

I also put in 3 huge globs of sour cream I am going to guess 2 ¼ cups.

I topped it with some turkey stuffing (I crushed stuffing with a meat tenderizer) and let it bake for 45 min covered with aluminum foil. After 45 min top again with stuffing and put it back in for 15 minutes more.

Add spices as you wish.

Below is a picture of how mine turned out.

I have leftovers and I am missing my neighbor and friend Shirley. This is something I would have shared with her. I am going to eat some after I finish this entry.

My point in this whole post is we do the things that help us help ourselves. We do not have to take control with an iron fist. It is taking steps to change the things we can. It is also accepting those things over which we have no control.

I made up my mind to walk today even while it was sprinkling telling myself I will not melt.

It is empowering to be awake today and take the steps I can.

I want to be better for myself without everything being a struggle. It is possible.

Today, may we travel lightly.

22 Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Mindset Changes For Living A Fuller Life

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Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am enjoying my coffee in the wee hours. I want to catch up on everything that seemed impossible to get done yesterday.

I started this entry off by saying a prayer.

I forgot how important saying a prayer is before I do anything, so I may have the right attitude. I want changes and to have changed means changing how I operate so I have more than words. Anyone can say the right words but change only happens by action.

Prayer is key in changing me so that I may have the right motives and attitude. If I begin with prayer, I am opening communication with God. In effect, prayer enables God’s hands in being able to help me. In other words, it is not just my will at work.

Prayer involves the conscious contact with God I have always desired.

I know I have shared this before but as a little boy I went to the bluffs for serious talks with God. I knew I needed His help. No one else could or would. I often seem to forget that as an adult, now over forty years later I need to go to Him first and foremost.

Prayer for direction, safety, help, peace, and love will get me much further in accomplishing the things I am supposed to do.

The next thing is finding gratitude so that I am grateful no matter how situations and circumstances may be. This helps me build consistency.

Consistency is a challenge for me. It is my word for the year instead of a resolution. I want to be consistent in doing the next right thing. I cannot say I am doing well with that, but I am aware, and I am doing better in some areas. More work is needed in other areas of my life.

It does help me if I start with prayer and gratitude.

The next thing I must watch out for is the thoughts that pop in. Not only thoughts but lies I tell myself in my thought life. I also get thoughts that are nothing but lies. I need to catch those early and call them out as the lies they are and speak the truth.

Stopping the lies and negative thoughts is imperative to my change and growth.

I am finding I need to remind myself of this daily. As I remind myself of the untruths, I need to seek God for truth and call out those truths and realign my thoughts accordingly.

Some of it is simple stuff.

I can eat a balanced diet that is right for me.

I do not have to think badly of that person.

I do not have to talk ugly to those people.

They did not do it intentionally to ruin my day.

I am not always a failure.

I can walk. I can climb in and out of the truck without difficulty.

I am not a bad seed.

Not everything I touch turns to crud.

They do not think badly of me.

I can tell the truth.

My life does matter.

I do have a purpose.

  1. I am thankful for my nurses and doctors.
  2. I am thankful for joy today.
  3. I am thankful for friendships.
  4. I am thankful for forgiveness.
  5. I am thankful for the mindset changes.
  6. I am thankful for being able to read and write.
  7. I am thankful for the ability to make my own decisions.
  8. I am thankful for healing.
  9. I am thankful for a Loving God
  10. I am thankful for my life.

As I close, I leave you with this Holy Scripture:

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

It Becomes A Holy Moment In Recovery

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Photo by Ashlee Marie on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am back and looking forward to sharing more in this entry.

I have shared some about my recovery and my journey since being clean and sober. I can tell you now that in my experience finding recovery in your inner being and seeing it work is holy. You find it in others and it is just as holy seeing it work in their lives also.

When changes happen by forgiving and allowing your will to change.

You see in my world, there is law and order mandated by God. Yet God in His divine ways, which are higher than my ways, made a way for grace and mercy. Because of grace and mercy, a way gets made out of no way.

I found forgiveness is for me when it comes to me forgiving others. What forgiveness does for me is much more than I ever knew. Forgiveness means I am letting go. Forgiveness means I am withdrawing myself from that story. If I have been offended it means something touched me deeply that was awakened in me.

Forgiveness gives me the freedom to finally deal with myself and God.

I thought being forgiven had taught me something. However, when I learned about being the forgiver, I was in for a true awakening. I am still not finished learning about forgiving and being forgiven.

To reiterate why forgiveness is holy is that it means I want peace more than my right to stay offended. It frees me and the other person both. I do not have to stay enslaved to the pain and hurt. It is one less thing to carry in my excess baggage.

There is yet another part of forgiveness and that is forgiving ourselves. It is another way of saying that excess baggage because when I arrived in the rooms of recovery I had a long list of both hurts I had caused and a mountain full of hurts in my mind of what was done to me. Also, not all of the hurts were just in my mind. On both counts, I wore that shame. My heart was hard and I was scared of facing a day without a drink and having to face the real stuff. I let them lead me to doctors for pills.

Okay, let’s do pills. What could they hurt? A lot especially, when you go back out and add alcohol. Smoking a joint was trickery for me Id get high and then am paranoid as heck.

But I digress, shame was at the root of everything. Wrongs were done both drunk and stone-cold sober. My heart got very hard back then.

Recovery has changed me. I have to face myself and everything I am still in the process of letting go. In my journey recently my heart was hardening some. I was staying angry and holding on to some things.

I was starting to doubt my recovery and it welled up in me in a moment and shocked me as I saw it work in a particular moment with another person. I had my mind made up Sunday Night that I was gonna blast someone with words Monday Morning.

It changed at a moment’s notice when communicating with someone else we ended up helping each other. It softened my heart. It changed the course of my actions.  Today has been a day of more softening of my heart and more rest for the body and soul.

I will say I cannot afford to keep going in circles. By not forgiving I am allowing my shame to deepen, therefore, making it even harder to forgive.

I am the one who makes me crazy when I refuse to forgive. I want recovery more than ever. This is not philosophical, this is real.

As I close, I am leaving you with these three verses from The Holy Scriptures.

  • For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 (ESV)
  • 15. but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16. since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”  1Peter 1:15-16 (ESV)
  • 8. He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8 (ESV)

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!