Come With Me On My Journey By Accident

March 21, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

It has been too long again, y’all! It has been over a month since I have written. I woke up after an hour and a half nap and knew it was time to write. Let us just walk together, as I tell you things that have happened along my journey. I woke up laughing.

In my sleep waking up I was listening to Jase Robertson share something along the lines of God is not going to stop everything in creation to say; Hey hold up everyone, Jase made a mistake! We need to wait. (Note: Jase, if you read this I may have taken your words out of context). People tell me I hear wrong a lot of the time.

Once I said the words, God is ready for me to write out loud to myself, this light that has been burned out for a week, suddenly flickered on! Is this by accident? I think not. I even told my mama today; I have not written in like a month.

It seems I could not go on without another infection happening, this new year. The ailments that go along with the infection of being tired all the time and dragging. Some more effects in which I will belabor the point.

However, there is a difference this time in treating the infection. Thankfully, the days of needing the PICC Line are gone. The labs in the pharmacy take an antibiotic and some pumps of this gel mix it up and put it directly on the wound.

However, knowing the cause of the infection type and what bacteria is growing from a culture is necessary to know in this treatment.

I caution everyone to seek a professional. DO NOT ATTEMPT ON YOUR OWN!

Suffice it to say in my experience this is working! Hallelujah! What a miracle. Thank you, God!

My wonderful care worker (L) has gone on to another client so that he/she could get better hours, meaning a full-time check. Before L left, I asked L if I could pray for L. This is out of my comfort zone, yet it happened!

God told me to pray for L. I asked for forgiveness in that prayer if anything I said or did cause harm or was a stumbling block for healing and forgiveness and that L would be blessed as L went forward. At the end of that prayer, we both just said Wow!

I talk to God, I tell Him how badly I mess up at things.

I just could not get over what I thought I heard Jase say. It is like am I that self-absorbed to think all of creation must stop because I am struggling with all kinds of mistakes? How selfish! If it is what Jase said or not, those are the words I was to hear. I can laugh at the incredulous of my thoughts.

Micah 6:8 (ESV)

He has told you, O man, what is good;

and what does the Lord require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness,

and to walk humbly with your God?

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Holding Up The Whole Wide World, Really!

February 2, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

Ain’t it heavy?

Man! I am telling you, it is heavy if you are thinking and trying to hold up the whole world by yourself! You are not alone.

We all fall into this thinking trap, thinking we are alone and trying to do it all ourselves. We do not even know half of it if we had to do it all by ourselves. I had one of those times by the end of the day, yesterday.

I am here to tell you I know some days it feels like we are in this world all alone. I am also here to tell you in those times we need people to tell us we are believing a big, fat lie! When my security is threatened by a letter that gets sent out by a computer glitch error, I went into a meltdown mode.

Thank goodness from a friend for giving me some direction. Even though there were directions in the letter I did not know how to do it at that moment. I had to hear directions verbally. I was able to get a live person by the second time I called the number. It was only after hearing and following directions, that I could admit I overreacted.

I was not alone. I had people who could help me help myself. In this world today sometimes, it feels like there is a rain cloud directly over your house. Your roof has all kinds of holes and all you have is one little pail, running from leak to leak trying to catch all the rain, hoping you can save your home from flooding.

It is useless and wasted energy to keep running and screaming. It accomplishes nothing. We will always find trouble at every turn. None of us can keep it all together. We can learn to remain calm and not fear the worst. People and technology make mistakes all the time.

However, it is important to remember while we remain calm, that we have responsibilities. We may have to wait and see how some things turn out but we keep moving on in the meantime. I am still learning and making progress, even making mistakes along the way.

The world is not as heavy when I let go. I am not alone in this life. This is another lie I believed until I was shown the truth. We have to weed out all the lies we believe so that we can live. We do not have to be miserable.

I strive for happiness today. This means changing my mindset and stopping the lies I have believed. If I believe that I am always right, there is no room for change and I will remain miserable and lose out on a lot in this life. I want more for myself and others.

I am not alone. I cannot hold up this world. I will never be perfect, but I can do better than I do. I am not always right. I must keep changing to learn to enjoy life.

There is a plan and I know a man who can. It gets better than this, I promise.

John 16:33 ESV

33 I have said these things to you, that n me you may have peace In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Freedom Begins When We Stop Comparing Ourselves

February 1, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

I am up late writing because I am experiencing some physical pain. I cannot control the pain. I hope and pray by following the suggestions of my doctors and nurses, I can help alleviate the pain. It helps stop the pain when I use the lymphedema pumps on my legs and feet. Praying helps but actions do back up the prayer.

Following directions is imperative for my healing. This is something I have had to learn in the past decade or more.

I must admit that following directions is not something I have done well. I have improved over the years. I hope to achieve a better understanding of how to keep improving, on listening and doing what is suggested in all of the areas of my life.

We can ask for help, but if we are not listening and following directions, we will not know how to change or improve our state of being.

I have heard that changing takes patience, practice, and time. Time takes time. If all we have are words, we cannot change without actions that match up to the words. I am impatient with myself and others when it comes to change.

I have parroted phrases thinking it was enough to make a change in myself. Why? I was comparing myself to others and others said it was the right way. I tried mimicking others, but I did not have the directions for making the changes.

Anyone who has ever worked an equation with algebra knows you can have all the right letters, numbers, and powers to the numbers, but if you do not have the directions for solving the equation, you cannot show the work for the answer.

I am above no one. I did not know how to make the necessary changes in my thoughts. I compared myself to others and had lofty thoughts of who I thought I wanted to be. That has always been the case in my life. It still gets me in trouble, to this day.

I need reminders so that I do not get myself isolated or bogged down in my thoughts because I am comparing myself to others. It is that which I compare myself to that keeps me bound. When I compare myself to something unrealistic, I am enslaved, trying to be that which I am not.

Today I have some directions and suggestions from others and it is helping me change. Some days are better than others.

When I compare myself to others or try to be someone I am not I cut myself off from God and others.

I heard it said years ago if you hang around a barbershop long enough you will get a haircut. Being the people watcher I am, I started watching the different haircuts and would pick one out thinking it would change me. I was not the cool person I saw. I was still me; I was doing the same things I had always done.

It is the thoughts of ourselves we must change. We are not all that and a bag of chips. We are neither lowly nor miserable pieces of garbage. We can live a life that is true to what we are supposed to be. But it is doing necessary action daily.

We start finding gratitude and seeing the beauty in life. We learn what having respect for ourselves and others means. We not only start speaking differently but we take the actions necessary to grow in deeper love for life. We find that we are not only hearing mere words but directions that we comprehend.

We lose our chains and become free.

Proverbs 4:26 ESV

Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Life Changing Heard Forgiveness Is For The Forgiver

January 30, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I heard this in a message two weeks ago. Though this is not new to me, it is a fact. I believe it is our thoughts that make forgiveness difficult. Thoughts become feelings if we do not stop the thoughts.

For instance, in writing this blog post entry I have had many thoughts as someone was in the room to interrupt me. I became angry and annoyed by anything they did. I do not always get the choice to write while being alone in the room.

What does this mean? I have a resentment and lack of trust for them. It is a basic trust issue. I am unsure why or what it is other than behaviors I do not care for. Yet, these behaviors are some of the same ones I have exhibited before as well.

Because we have grown in an area others may not have, we place ourselves above them. It still comes down to protecting ourselves from things we learned that are hurtful. We do not wish to feel that hurt or necessarily cause that same hurt. Do we not still want others that cause us to hurt to pay handsomely? After all, we had to pay, so they should pay!

I know as I rewrite this blog post, many conversations are taking place in my head. My thoughts are having court take place and I become the judge. Many times, it comes down to dismissing the cases. How do we let the cases go? It is difficult as the thoughts keep coming. The thoughts are more annoying than the acts we see. We must free ourselves before we can free anyone else.

Every act of forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves, allowing our negative thoughts, hurts, and behaviors of others to take root in us.

I attest to the fact when the actions of others take root in me unless I stop the thoughts, I begin rationalizing my revenge.

If I can stop the thoughts and step back, I have a chance to redirect my focus. It may mean distancing myself long enough to work through the feelings I have allowed. I must look within myself and take stock of my actions. If I just ignore the situation, an innocent bystander may get the brunt of my wrath.

I have been embarrassed by my behavior. Was being embarrassed enough to change my behavior? Not most of the time. Why? Because I believed I could hide my behaviors and embarrassment. I kept the vicious cycle going. It kept me locked within myself. I could not be free. This is still true unless I forgive myself.

If I am not careful when I step back I isolate myself with my thoughts instead of working through them. This is damaging to my soul. I must take control of my thoughts, so my thoughts do not take control of me.

Recently, I binge-watched a show I love and have seen every episode before. It shows a woman wrestling with her belief in God. I will not tell you the name of the show, because I am not sure it is healthy to watch. To get to my point every time I am wrestling with myself, I find I am wrestling with God and my beliefs.

There’s also a song some of us, once sang for communion, and in that song was a line, “if I don’t back down I hope you win.” This is where I am every time I want to be centered and let go.

We can wear unforgiveness like a rock around our necks or we can let go of that rock, to save ourselves.

Matthew 22: 36-40 ESV

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? ” 37 And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the great and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 40 On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Forgiveness comes down to loving my neighbor as myself. Man, I hope I hear that!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by BoxcarMike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all everybody!

Waking Up In The Wee Morning Hours

January 9, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

Good morning! I woke up at 2:21 a.m. I was in bed by 9:35 p.m. I believe I was subconsciously bothered by the fact; I left the kitchen a mess. I was in automatic mode when I woke up and went to work cleaning up my mess.

Oh yes, coffee time is here, regardless. My coffee tastes great, first thing in the morning. I look forward to it helping me be in a calm state.

Here it is two hours later, having taken so much time to be comfortable. I had to set up my pumps, settle in with my coffee, and get the music turned on. I want my things and my comfort.

Can you believe we started the second week of the new year, yesterday?

The new work week for me starts today. I have a home health nurse coming this morning to do my dressing changes. I also have my home health aid worker coming today. Being up early does make writing easier. I am not sure; I want to be up at 2:30 am every day.

I do want a regular schedule. It is all about routine. Having a routine is what has helped my mama, grandma, and other successful people live longer than I have. I want to be successful and meet my goals. It is all part of the healing process, and healing takes hard work.

We can ask for all the prayers and say all the prayers possible, but there is work for me to do. Faith takes work. Many people call faith a spiritual muscle. Sometimes it is making those physical muscles work as well.

I just got this image of God saying, “I am not asking you to run a 50-yard dash; all I am asking you to do, is walk!”

For those of you who may not know I have had a diagnosis of venous insufficiency. I have had wounds and a few months ago I had an infection that turned into Osteomyelitis. I have had chronic wounds since the late 1990s. Thankfully, the Osteomyelitis was able to be removed by cutting out two small bones through an incise on the side below my great toe of the left foot. This prevented the spread of the horrible infection to the main bone that is connected to the left leg. To this date, I have been infection free. Perhaps this is the longest time yet, I have not had an infection or have had to take antibiotics.

My goals surround being fully healed. A good part of this means, getting weight off and increasing my mobility. Sometimes we get healed instantly, sometimes not at all, and other times healing comes as an education. Some of us are slow learners. I am learning now, though!

I will get consistent. I will practice consistency today by exercising, walking, and being ready for each appointment.

Most days I do accomplish a lot of tasks. I do require help some days. I do need to learn to ask for the right kind of help and in the right way. However, I find doing as much as I physically can handle keeps me more independent.

This is a part of my journey. Thankfully, this is me on the other side of having an infection.

Proverbs 17:22 ESV

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I will be joyful as I go for a walk right now! I went for a twenty-minute walk.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Comfort Songs Cooking Helping Others Here There Everywhere

January 8, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

My Bluffs!

Hey, Y’all!

Today is more comfort time. Getting out walking is making the goal. I am hoping my help is good to others, wherever I can.

I am listening to artists from childhood which brings me comfort. BJ Thomas mainly (do not laugh, there was part of that time we had limited radio stations and only certain vinyl records were allowed). I see memories in my mind from some of that music which just reminds me of those times talking to God on the bluffs.

Going and sitting on bluffs was my freedom! God kept that spot safe for me. I believe that with all my heart still today. I could not make it to the bluffs when staying in town with the pastor and his wife. So I settled for the church parking lot, and often I got in the vans to start them up and listen to the radio for hours. I do admit I raced those engines pretending to be a race car driver.

It was a different time and all was so wrong with my world. I believed in God with all my heart.

The way it is now I have had a harder time as life went on. Today I am doing everything I know to get back to the belief I had then. It is just that I am still messed up in ways, some days more so than others. I just know there is so much grace and love.

Do you know? It is when I am writing I feel my whole heart in prayer. It is like open heart surgery but with prayer. That does not mean I do not still see the rage and some of the scenes in my life. I sometimes feel the rage even more, but that is when it takes me writing and praying even more.

The stuff I stumble over today is still huge in ways. I do get heartsick opening my phone and seeing all the plans ahead. I get heartsick seeing the headlines. I cannot fathom what we and other places call justice.

So, you see sometimes it just is taking care of myself in other ways. You cannot unsee some stuff and some stuff you must look at as a warning. It is coming but few believe it so. We can push ourselves away and hide but it is there just the same.

I am not here to tell anyone what to do; I am just making observations like anyone else and taking mental notes. This is also as much as I make the same mistakes often, I take stock of my life so much. I am so wrong in many ways. There comes a point when change must be done more concretely than ever before!

I am no better than anyone. I am just making my way. I am certainly not a threat to you. I hope to be friends. The same as if were in a car, just talking as we travel. Maybe sitting around a campfire sharing deep and not-so-deep thoughts.

Philippians 2:3 ESV

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Comfortable Saturday For Rest And Refocusing Today

January 7, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Photo by Fabio Partenheimer on Pexels.com

Hey, Y’all!

I am here today thanking You, God!

I purposely slept in until 10:30 a.m. and I did enjoy it. I am still enjoying my coffee from a small brunch I made myself. My candles are lit, and the music is turned on to keep me calm and quiet in my heart. I just need to enjoy the day and still accomplish a few things as I rest.

I most enjoy not having anyone here today because I just need time where no one is invading my space. Though, I know people are here to help me. Sometimes, though, it feels like I am paying rent to just have people here to interrupt my day. Perhaps, that is their purpose after all.

If left to myself on a given day, I might lose my sense of purpose. I know in some way; I might be helping them as well.

Today is comfortable, and it is not like I am giving up all my responsibilities.

I am refocusing today on how this next week might go, and what will better help me accomplish more.

Someone asked that I add them to my calendar next week. I said that I must call them next week as I see how it plays out. I have more people to add to my calendar as well.

The people I want to add to my calendar, have not been able to talk about realistic dates and times possible. The main cause we have the thing in common is just seeing how we are going to do with our new goals and regular work weeks.

I am listening to this song called “Fear Is a Liar’ Fear, he is a liar. He will steal your rest and happiness. This is true. When I allow fear to come into my head, my rest and happiness get stolen. I do not wish to live my life in fear.

I must find faith and act on it. This takes reordering my thought process. I must think good things. If I concentrate on negative things it takes me back to fear. I have allowed much over my lifetime to be taken or, how about this, I gave away.

I gave away too much. In return, I was called dirty and trash. I was called worthless and a bad seed.

I did not get clean and sober to live in a way, that brings those negative things upon me. No one should ever say those things to another human being. Ever! It is not about showing you my scars; it is to make a point about living a real life.

I have a purpose in this life otherwise, I would not be here. If we did not have a purpose none of us would be here. Our mission is to find that purpose and live it. I do not want to fade away. Living a life of faith is hard at times.

I do see failures this past week. I also see, I still got up each day. That in itself is a success for me.

You see, today is a comfortable day for me. I am running to God today, hoping to change my thoughts and renew my mind. I want to think about good things. I am refocusing so that my efforts for the upcoming week shall be more successful.

Here is a short story, and then I will be close closing. This story takes in a small town in Missouri next to some railroad tracks.

I was 19 or 20 years old. I am driving this big and heavy car. In fact, for my car people out there, it is a 1970-something, Mercury, Montego. It had been raining. Sure enough, a train is coming that will take some time to pass. The liquor store is only minutes from closing. This shows my priorities.

We must get to that liquor store before it closes. Mind you, there is a full carload of people. In my intelligence, I decide to make a U-turn on this narrow road with mud on both sides of the road.

Well, I fishtail and slide off into what is a ditch of solid mud! I am determined to get back on the road. The tires are spinning. It becomes apparent, we are going to need to push this car. Well, I go to get out of the car. Holy Cow! The car door will not open. That is right, I spun the wheels so much that I buried the frame of the car.

The next day, a farmer towed the car out with a tractor. Thankfully, the girls had walked to the liquor store.

What is my point in telling you this story? The point is you need some traction so you are not just spinning your wheels. If you have no traction all of your efforts are futile. The more you spin, the deeper you are burying yourself.

I do not want my efforts done in vain. I am going to get some traction, by thinking positive thoughts with renewed energy.

Philippians 4:8-9 ESV

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Wrenches Thrown In Plans By Sleep Issues

January 6, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

I had supper at 9:30 p.m. tonight. When eating this late, I would have had peanut butter and jam or just peanut butter, and called it a night. However, I wanted to make my blog post entry yet, tonight. I decided to have a cheeseburger with pickles and glad I did. I could feel an immediate change in my body.

The day started badly it kept going not so well after oversleeping. Then technology threatened an appointment I had today. Wrenches get thrown into plans with oversleeping. I made it through a good part of the day until early afternoon when a four-and-a-half-hour nap caused other plans down the drain as well.

At any rate, I have muddled through this day. I did not find it necessary to go berserk aside, from the technical issues which I hope, have been resolved. No phones or laptops were thrown. I consider this even successful. I want to do better, and I will get there.

If I have ever been fighting default mode, this has been the week for it. I believe tomorrow will be better. I did get some things accomplished today and had some really good talks to alleviate some past and present anxiety in relationships with people. I admit there must be more action, than talk going forward.

Talking, planning, writing, and good intentions are not getting the actions done.

However, if nothing else this whole process is making me write more consistently. It is also allowing me to find out what needs to be readjusted to succeed. I hope to write more consistently at a regular time if possible.

I admit, I get anxious and worry over the smallest things. I will need to find what will help me to end this madness.

I hated missing two different encounters this evening. I will let it go and strive for better.

For the past two blog post entries, I have meant to share more about what was shared in my men’s meeting. It is along the lines of planning goals and taking more control over our thoughts. I need to take all my thoughts captive daily and redirect my thinking.

Anyone who has at least taken a college course or quite possibly, by today’s educational system made it into their senior year, of high school has heard of using S.M.A.R.T Goals. They are made by specific terms., attainable, realistic, and time-based.

I found this important several years ago and helpful. It still takes action versus thinking on our part. Deciding goals is not doing the action. However, it does give us a starting place.

The other thing I am hoping for, in making my goals is setting my intentions. What is my motivation for change? Why would I make this change and what is it going to do to help serve me?

The next step is to visualize my goals and what that change will look like and what it will mean. Then we decide, commit, and keep the goals posted where they are visible and handy, so we can take action.

Before any of this can be done it means getting ourselves unstuck from our thoughts, anxiety, stress, and being overwhelmed.

As important as it is, that we get the physical clutter around us eliminated, it is just as important that we unclutter our minds, and refocus.

As renew our minds and think n that which is good we can finally come to a place of reevaluating our hearts. We start doing what is important, not forgetting to have an attitude of gratitude.

We must allow room for readjustments. We must give ourselves grace so that we remember, to give others grace too.

Psalm 127:2 ESV

It is in vain that you rise up early

and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Upon Waking Taking Every Opportunity To Succeed

January 4, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

Today, my schedule includes a wound care appointment. I will have grafts applied to my wounds. I am hoping all the grafts take. To see the healing progress of the wounds is good. I do have more optimism as I see the progress with each dressing change.

I woke up at 3:50 a.m. before the alarm sounded. I decided to get up anyway to take advantage of the extra time. I am anxious this morning as I write. I am anxious because it is clear, no matter how much time I have, there is always more to do. Managing the time and tasks is still challenging.

I had started this entry early this morning and time caught up to me once more. I have done some walking and I took a nap once I got home from my appointment.

I am grateful today at my appointment my fears were put to rest by the Nurse Practitioner and my Nurse. There was some thick calloused skin to be removed. It was causing me pain. All the wounds look good, and I am approved to keep going with the skin grafts.

I am pressing through once more writing while my chore worker is here. I am having my worship music going to try and keep me focused on just my writing. This can be challenging. I prefer to not have to communicate during this time.

My silence communicates loudly. We only have an hour to go as it helped to do an hour of overtime yesterday. I can do this more nicely!

You see I have learned any kind of anger can make my writing time unenjoyable. My whole point in writing is to get a message out and enjoy it at the same time. It does not serve me well to be angry or resent the situation.

I am taking every opportunity to find ways to manage my time. The nap did help me physically. However, it did cost me more time than I intended. My lesson today is about learning to be okay with readjusting accordingly.

Inside I am screaming mad, and my mind feels so cluttered with all the information I have soaked up in changing my approach to what it means for me to be consistent. I am also trying to accomplish too many tasks at once. I will take a breath, now.

I was reminded this morning that I am doing great. I do need to remember this is the first week of making changes. I do have too high of expectations of myself, in that I want it as though I have been living in a new way, all my life.

Cutting out the clutter in my mind is a process. It is going to take time.

I am not forgetting to be thankful in this process of change.

I am thankful I want to be intentional.
I am thankful for reminders to breathe.
I am thankful I am responsible for my progress.
I am thankful I am not doing this alone and I have wonderful supportive friends. But especially one friend and my Mama.
I am thankful for a new way to communicate with my brother and his family.
I am thankful I took a moment to breathe and just connect with my chore worker for a few minutes today.
I am thankful this process is taking place and I will not be defeated in following it through.
I am thankful I can encourage others.
I am thankful I can fight the disease with the tools I have been able to acquire.
I am grateful that being thankful with all my heart can change the balance of all things.

In the end, today has been a success through my gratitude.

Philippians 4:7 ESV And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

Progress Not Perfection According To My Schedule

January 3, 2023 / boxcarmike / Leave a comment

Hey, Y’all!

Here we are on a Tuesday Afternoon. I made good use of the morning. However, my morning did not exactly go to schedule, but I did get in my walking. The schedule is hard to get implemented perfectly, but I am happy with my accomplishment of walking. It is the progress that matters.

I was also able to do my laundry and attend the men’s group I attend every Tuesday.

I have shared about my recovery before, using the HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I was called about whether my insurance would cover even an office visit tomorrow. I could feel myself getting a bit hungry.

I realized I needed to calm down and the fact it was going to be another forty-five minutes before I could get to the food. I was angry, because of just of the chance my insurance trying to charge me a large sum deductible. I did calm down and admit the person on the other end of the phone did help talk me down.

I am now using my pumps again hoping to use them for about three hours total this afternoon. And use them again tonight. I am eating cheese now for a snack. I was happy to get my coffee in this morning. That is always vital for me to deal with life.

This week is the reality of climbing on my journey. I am determined to get better. Amazingly, I am making calls consistently in the morning time. I am having to make time while people are present in my apartment, and I dislike how that is having to work. It feels cramped to write during this time. It is how it will get done today.

Today it is beyond my control, and this is where acceptance must play a part in my day. I imagine this is where my day looks a lot like having a job. The only difference is it is my job, to help others, help me.

This question surfaces a lot during office visits. “How can I help you today?” If I was a professional, I might know. Is my usual reply; and that is stating nicely I suppose. I want to do better and have a better answer. I am not always willing to see what it is they can help me with.

I can do better if I want to. Is that what we say about others? “They could help if they wanted to.” I can help me today by chilling out. In the same way, it will help others who help me. My brother’s words one time as he watched me be this frantic ball of anxiety-ridden human come to mind often. It is in a good way. I use the question he formed as a self-check.

“Is this the way you are all the time?” I was ashamed then, and embarrassed. Since then, I have made better progress. I still have a long way to go.

Today, after getting off the phone, I found myself frantic about doing the laundry. I feared not being able to be done enough, to attend my men’s group. I called myself names, going on about how poor I had done with going along with the plan. In the end, I made it to the men’s group, and I did finish my laundry.

Today was an accomplishment, and dare I say tomorrow will even be better and hopefully not find the need to use name-calling, anyone.

I am looking forward to relaxing this evening. It is all about self-care and doing better.

Philippians 4:13 ESV I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all, Everybody!

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